Some About Last Straw Moments With Narcissists

One thing most people who haven’t experienced abuse at the hands of a narcissist fail to grasp is last straw moments.  In fact, they can be odd enough that even those of us who have experienced narcissistic relationships don’t always understand them.

Last straw moments are those things that a narcissist does that seals their fate with their victim.  The things may not be the worst thing they ever have done.  In fact, they may not be all that bad, especially in comparison to other things the narcissist has done.  They simply are something that makes a victim say “enough is enough!”

With my ex husband, it happened on our fourth wedding anniversary.  I’d told him I wanted a divorce probably a month prior.  He said I owed it to him to give him one last chance.  Being naive, I agreed to it.  Aside from moving out of his parents’ home, nothing changed.  On our anniversary, we watched television.  He suddenly said, “So you still want that divorce?”

With my mother, it happened when we had a huge argument in 2016 about me not telling my parents that my husband’s mother died.  They knew I didn’t speak to her or her two daughters.  I also was more concerned about my husband than my parents, especially since they spoke with my in-laws maybe four times in the 22 years we had been together at that time.  I naively thought they wouldn’t care about her passing other than concern for my husband.  I felt betrayed that my mother cared more about potentially upsetting my in-laws by not being there than me feeling her attendance would’ve shown she cared more for them than me.  When I told her how I felt, she acted like I was the one in the wrong, & was angry with me.  I couldn’t deal with her again.

Several months later, I went no contact with my father.  One day, my husband & I were having our back door replaced when suddenly my father showed up.  My husband told my father to leave, & after some harsh words, he did.  Twice the following week, he sent the police to do a wellness check, claiming my husband abused me & kept me from him.  My father sinking so low made me realize I’d never break no contact with him.

In all three scenarios, nothing they did was especially bad compared to their other actions.  Yet somehow, it also woke me up to how badly I needed to get away from such toxicity.

Chances are excellent that you will experience something similar in your relationship with the narcissist in your life.  When this happens, please learn from my experiences.

Don’t beat yourself up.  So what this wasn’t the worst thing they have done?  They have done plenty.  It’s normal that anything, even something sort of small, can push you over the edge, because your patience are worn out.

Don’t think you’re petty because what they did wasn’t as bad as other things.  Like I just said, it’s normal that anything, even something sort of small, can be too much after someone continually does terrible things to you.

Don’t compare your situation to anyone else’s.  Everyone is unique.  Just because your last straw moment was different than someone else’s doesn’t mean something is wrong with you.

Remember that you are unique as is the narcissist in your life.  There are no one size fits all solutions.  You need to handle the situation from here the best you can.  If others think you’re wrong, so be it.  If no one you know has handled a similar situation as you feel you need to, that isn’t important.  Do what you know in your heart is right in your situation, & don’t let anyone else change your mind.

12 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

12 responses to “Some About Last Straw Moments With Narcissists

  1. ibikenyc

    I sure do hear this!

    I don’t need any more “help” deciding to go No Contact, but lately it’s seemed that it’s way more the “small” things than the big ones that challenge my Gray Rock-ing abilities.

    I’m sure there’s some neurological / psychological explanation for that!

    Now that I’m thinking about it, I feel that it’s kinda like living right next to the airport: After a while, you don’t even hear the planes coming and going, but you still notice that dripping faucet or squeaking hinge.

    So, yet another (SIGH) Rage Fest / Tantrum is essentially “just” background noise, but being Told About vacuuming / strong smells / laughing too loud(!) goes through me like the knife it’s meant to be.

    (We Shall Overcome!)

    Liked by 2 people

    • This kinda reminds me of studying for an exam in a subject I wasn’t particularly good at in school. Math was NOT my strong subject. When it came time for finals, I’d study my butt off on the hard stuff that I’d struggled with. On the day of the test, sometimes I’d find that I could do that hard stuff easier than the daily stuff. I worked so hard to deal with the more challenging thing & the easier stuff had been ignored, so the easier stuff suddenly became more of a challenge. Pretty sure dealing with narcissists can be the same way.

      Liked by 2 people

      • ibikenyc

        Oh, do I empathize with you about Math!

        Great analogy.

        Like

        • Not surprised you empathize about math. Pretty sure that is one of the worst subjects for INFJs as a general rule.

          Thankie!

          Liked by 1 person

          • ibikenyc

            Love “Thankie!” 🙂

            Gee. Hadn’t thought of it as tied to INFJ-ness. Maybe now I’ll internalize it as a point of pride!

            As an aside, I was always okay with plain old Arithmetic and actually enjoyed Geometry. Algebra, however. . .

            Like

            • LOL Well “thankie” for saying that!

              It seems to be an INFJ thing for sure. We usually do better in languages, arts, history & naturally psychology.

              My father actually loved trig & calculus. Obviously he was NOT an INFJ.. lol I never got that, but am glad he did since he was a master machinist.

              Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve been trying to remember if I ever had a small, last straw moment with a narcissist. I don’t remember that but I do remember years ago flying off the handle at someone for saying something that I took as being hurtful to me, but in hindsight I realized that she probably wasn’t trying to be rude or hurtful at all — I was the one in the wrong, I was being overly sensitive and I took what she said wrong. The reason I was so sensitive was because I was married to a narcissist and being treated like crap at home, on an almost daily basis. So at home I walked on eggshells, trying to please my then husband, or trying to at least not upset him. But, when I went to get my kids at school, my daughter’s teacher said something that I took all wrong, and I was angry and I said something hateful back. I could then see by her face that she was shocked and hurt.

    That happened more than thirty years ago and I still feel bad for acting like that. Later I told her I was sorry, that I hadn’t had much sleep, which was true. But I still felt rotten for having taken offense when no offense was intended.

    I think that when you live with an abusive narcissist, it can mess you up to the point where you’re like somebody that has been in a terrible accident and every place on your body is cut or bruised. Then, just the slightest touch and you want to SCREAM!!! Once you reach that point, it doesn’t take much of a straw to push you over the edge.

    I thank God for the healing I have had, since I left my last narcissistic relationship almost twenty years ago.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Just FYI.. your comment was in spam again. 😦

      Oh geez.. that had to be so embarrassing even knowing why you did that! I’m so sorry that happened!

      I actually did the same sort of thing when I was in forth grade. I loved to draw back then, in particular horses. I’d traced a pic of a particularly cute pony from a book. It was sitting on my desk one day. This boy in my class picked it up & laughed at it, then told me how badly drawn it was. I snapped! I grabbed it from him, got in his face & screamed, “I TRACED IT!!! SHUT UP!!” (Putting this in perspective, as a kid I was extremely shy, quiet & never spoke up to anyone no matter what, let alone screamed in the face of someone I barely knew.) I was mortified & scared by my own behavior. Something about his snide comment just lit a fire in me that day. I think because it felt like even doing what I had to to get the exactly perfect result wasn’t good enough, which is how I felt at home.

      He never spoke to me again even though we shared several classes until we graduated high school, by the way.

      Your analogy is perfect. I think you hit that nail squarely on the head!!

      Liked by 2 people

      • Thank you for rescuing me from spam again. I thought Askimet fixed that.

        I can totally understand why you snapped and yelled at that boy when he was being so hateful. Although you were mortified by your out of character behavior, considering what you were living with at home, it makes perfect sense.

        It’s probably a good thing that he never spoke to you again. And, thanks to you yelling at him, he probably didn’t dare say such cruel things to other people after that. Think of all the hurt feelings that may not have happened, thanks to you! ❤

        Liked by 2 people

        • Apparently not. 😦

          It does make perfect sense in the grand scheme of things. Your behavior does too. Doesn’t make it less embarrassing but it does make sense!

          I never thought of it that way. Thank you for the fresh perspective ❤

          Liked by 1 person

      • ibikenyc

        I agree with everything Linda Lee said in reply to this! 🙂 ❤

        Like

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