Narcissists Obsess Over Victims

One way narcissists lure victims into a relationship is by paying way too much attention to their victims.

Narcissistic friends & romantic partners alike commonly smother their new found interest (aka victim) with positive attention.  They cling very quickly to someone they just met.  They claim the new interest is their soul mate or they felt some sort of special connection the moment they met.  They shower this person with praise & often gifts as well.  They want to spend every possible moment together.

I have experienced this with friends as well as my ex husband.  I’ve met several people online who within a day or two of meeting me decided we needed to talk constantly.  Probably the first one was the worst.  I didn’t know about narcissism at the time & was flattered she thought so highly of me.  We used to speak on the phone often as well as via email.  When I didn’t respond to her call or email, she would get mad.  She’d claim she was just kidding when she said things like how dare I not call her back sooner than I did or “joke” about me being so busy when she clearly thought I never had anything to do.

I was young & naive, living with narcissistic parents when I met my ex husband.  He constantly told me how pretty, smart, etc. I was, how he waited all his life for someone like me & expected me to spend all of my free time with him.

Anyone can be extremely flattered when someone treats them this way, but the average functional person realizes quickly this behavior isn’t normal.  Those of us who grew up with narcissistic parents however are different.

Growing up with narcissistic parents means you have no concept of healthy boundaries.  Even if this person’s attention is overwhelming, you don’t feel you have the right to refuse it.  After all, the person is saying & doing what seems like the right things.  How can you refuse that?!

Also children of narcissistic parents are neglected.  Having someone pay positive attention feels good, & it’s about impossible to resist.

And, narcissistic parents don’t praise their children.  These children grow up starving for praise.  When someone comes along, showering them with praise, they can’t resist it.

If you grew up with narcissistic parents, you need to be aware of people like this who obsess over you.  They’re predators looking for a victim.

Sometimes people meet & they just “click” immediately.  My husband & I were that way.  The same with my best friend & I.  There was no obsessing though.  We talked often & were free with complements, but no one was offended if the other didn’t answer their phone call or call back immediately.  There was no talk of “soulmates” or anything similar in the very beginning or pressure to spend every waking moment together.

I’ve learned that children of narcissists need to be aware of people like this much more than the average person because of the natural weaknesses that come from being raised by narcissists.  I strongly recommend asking God for discernment with people to help you to figure out who is safe & who is not.

Listen to your gut feelings, too.  If something doesn’t feel right about someone, that feeling is there for a reason.

Pay attention to people’s actions, not only their words.  A person can say anything they want, whether it’s true or not.  A person’s actions tell you what is truly in their heart.

If you have doubts, talk to a safe, wise friend about your thoughts.  Sometimes an outsider can be very helpful in providing an objective opinion.

Remember, not everyone who pays attention to you truly cares about you.  They can be looking for your weaknesses & fears to exploit them & manipulate you.


Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

7 responses to “Narcissists Obsess Over Victims

  1. Wow, I think this is one of your best writings about narcissistic behavior. Yes, I have experienced this non-stop love bombing in the beginning of a friendship or dating relationship with a narcissist. Having been starved all my life for love and positive attention, I was the perfect prey. But beginning with the first time that I wasn’t instantly available, or when I didn’t want to go along with one of the narcissist’s ideas, Look Out!

    It would be nice to somehow teach kids about narcissists while they are in school, so they can be aware of that kind of behavior. I don’t know of any practical way of doing that though, especially in the case where the teacher may be a narcissist! Looking back, I definitely had at least one narcissistic school teacher when I was a kid. But it sure would have been a lot less confusing, when I was old enough to go out on dates, if I had known to be on the lookout for the oh-so-charming narcissist!

    Liked by 2 people

    • ibikenyc

      I had a MONSTER of a third-grade teacher. Due to series of odd circumstances beyond anyone’s control, I — and the rest of my third-grade class — ended up with her AGAIN for most of the sixth grade.

      She was terrifying. Fifty-plus years later, I am still feeling the effects of her sadistic behaviour.

      For one example, she so viciously — publicly — shamed any kid needing to use the bathroom between lunch and three o’clock that I later found out that many of my classmates would regularly go home with wet pants.

      I have seriously thought of starting a FB page called “Victims of Evil McWitch, Public School ###.”


    • Thank you so much Linda!

      They do seek out the love starved don’t they? And yep, it gets ugly that first time you don’t answer the call. Went through that with an old friend. Literally the first time I didn’t answer her call one evening, all hell broke loose the next day.

      It would be great wouldn’t it? Kids need to know this stuff to save them so much trouble later in life!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. ibikenyc

    And you’ve done it again, Ms. Bailey-Rug!
    I have recently become aware that I need to be vigilant with myself to make sure I don’t fall prey to this from anyone. I’ve added it to the mix of Stuff I Need To Work On as a part of healing.

    Liked by 1 person

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