Comparing Your Struggles To Someone Else’s Is NOT Good!

6 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

6 responses to “Comparing Your Struggles To Someone Else’s Is NOT Good!

  1. This is great, Cynthia. I’m trying to ‘like’ this, but the like tab isn’t registering my clicks. I’m having that problem all over WordPress, and several other bloggers have told me they are having the same issues.

    What you said about how senseless it is to compare our traumas to others, is spot on. I have heard it said that if are terribly sick or injured, and we are taken to a hospital emergency room for help, how ridiculous would it be if we are expected to compare how bad our illness or injury is, compared to the person in the cubicle next to ours. Of course, emergency room personnel have to do triage, to determine which patient gets care first. But no one in their right mind would say “Why are you even here, you merely crushed your leg in the car accident. The guy in the bed across the hall has a crushed skull, and the person in the bed next to yours has had a massive heart attack. You can live without a leg, but not without a working brain or a heart!”

    As I write my memoir, I am able to put things that happened in my life in a whole new perspective. It has become very clear to me that some of the ‘lesser’ things I have gone through, hurt me much worse than the more severe things. For example, my father tried to sexually abuse me (I was able to fight him off), and my mother tried to gas us all to death. Both of those situations are considered really big, really bad abuses. But — the things that have hurt me the most, by far, are the ‘little’ abuses: being lied about, being scapegoated, being made to feel like I never was good enough to please my parents, no matter how hard I tried. In my experience, nothing hurts worse than hating myself. Being treated like I wasn’t good enough to ‘earn love’, being made to feel unwanted, like a mistake that should never have been born — those emotional abuses destroyed my self-esteem and messed up my life, far worse than the really ‘big’ abuses.

    By the way, I bookmarked this video when you first posted it, intending to watch it when I had the time, and then I forgot about it. I’m glad I finally saw my bookmark, this video is truly very good. ❤❤❤

    Like

    • Aww, thank you!

      So weird! I hope they get the glitches figured out soon!

      That is so true about ERs/triage! Patients get priority for the moment, but that doesn’t mean their injuries/issues are comparable to others’!

      I get that totally.. those “little” things were “only” emotional abuse. Your father’s sexual abuse & your mother attempting to kill you were much more obviously abusive, so deemed bigger issues. Emotional abuse doesn’t leave the obvious signs (like physical scars) & people don’t believe someone has gone through emotional abuse like they do more physical types of abuse. It seems like those of us with narcissistic parents buy into that & assume that the emotional abuse is “little” compared to the bigger things.

      If this helps… I spoke with someone a while back who also had narcissistic parents. The abuse was much more obvious than mine- the parents were physically abusive. This person doesn’t have PTSD or C-PTSD, & seemed to look down on me for having C-PTSD. For some time I thought something was very wrong with me. I must be so weak to have this disorder. It finally hit me.. this person’s parents were obviously abusive. There was no denying it. They hit, they starved, they neglected basic needs. My parents weren’t like that. They were big into gaslighting & shaming. Both of our upbringings were terrible, but mine was much harder to identify & left no physical scars. My parents provided for my needs & had plenty of moments of being kind. When someone is obviously abusive on a constant basis, it’s easier to accept that they are the problem. When someone interjects periods of kindness, it becomes confusing. Maybe they didn’t mean to do the things that hurt me. Maybe they just weren’t aware that would hurt me. That sort of thing. I think that makes abuse harder to accept. As a result, we can develop C-PTSD or even minimize the abusive episodes.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Oh, that makes sense, Cynthia, about the greater pain that comes when the abuse is not obvious to outsiders!! My father was the church pastor. A highly respected pillar of the community. Nobody would have guessed what he was doing in the privacy of our home.

        And — nobody but ME knew that my mother tried to gas us all to death. And I only knew, because she confessed it to me. I was the oldest, I was her helper, her mini me, and she actually expected me to agree with her that she had the right to take the 5 of us kids out of the world, since she had brought us into the world, AND she told me she would be doing us a big favor, because life is so hard, and dying in our sleep in our beds in the middle of the night from gas fumes is ‘the best way to go.’ When I did NOT agree with all those things, suddenly, at age 12, my mother made me her #1 scapegoat. But NO ONE else knew about these things, but me!

        You are right, the loneliness of being the only one to know about the abuse — it is pure horror. I am so sorry you went through that!

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        • I’m not surprised. Your father was a pastor so obviously he was a wonderful guy, right? UGH!

          Unreal… no wonder things were so hard for you! Who would believe (other than those of us with narcissistic parents) that a mother would think that way about gassing her innocent children?! It’s incredibly hard to believe! It alsos ounds so immature, so it could be feasible that a child made this up.

          Thank you! I am so sorry you went through this too!! ((((hugs))))

          Liked by 1 person

          • About the immature/childish nature of what my mother did and said — she had a severe head injury as a little girl of about seven. She fell on her head on cement at school. Her only sibling, my aunt who died this year, told me that it seemed to her like my mother never grew up. I suspect the head injury had a lot to do with it. I have read that a severe injury to the brain’s prefrontal cortex can cause a person to lose their ability to feel empathy, love, and guilt when they do wrong. Without those three things, empathy, love, and guilt, apparently anything goes.

            My hope is that in heaven, my mother will finally be the person she was meant to be.

            Liked by 1 person

            • I firmly believe that. My father also had a TBI & it affected the prefrontal cortex. His happened at age 15 & he always acted like a teenager. 😦

              I firmly believe if your mother makes it to Heaven, that she will be the person she was meant to be. I think God finishes what He started in us here, once we get there. ❤

              Liked by 1 person

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