When you’re healing from abuse, many people act like you should get to the point that nothing about what your abuser did bothers you in the slightest. They say that’s a sign of healing. I say that is completely wrong.
To start with, how can any human being not be bothered in the slighted by any life altering event, whether the event is good or bad? Anything that drastically affects a person is going to affect them forever to some degree. In my experience I have found the best I can hope for regarding such life altering & traumatic things is to get to the point where remembering them feels much like remembering a bad dream. It feels somewhat upsetting but not devastating. One example is this: Some of you who have read my work for a while may remember when I nearly died from carbon monoxide poisoning in 2015. That was a terrifying event that has left me with life altering physical & mental struggles. Yet, it also brought me some really good changes in my personality as a result of the brain damage & even drew me closer to God. As grateful as I am for those positive changes, that doesn’t negate the fact that thinking about how close to death I came that day still shakes me up to some degree even all these years later. I believe most people are similar to me in this feeling like they’re remembering a bad dream is as good as it gets for healing from the most extreme traumas & situations.
To be totally unaffected by abuse also makes abuse not so bad. It minimizes it & even normalizes it. After all, when someone does something normal, you don’t think twice about it or feel any sort of emotions connected to that normal thing. Do you feel any emotion when your friend says they bought a loaf of bread while at the grocery store? No, because that is normal. If a person feels that way same way about abuse, then abuse becomes just as acceptable as buying a loaf of bread.
There should always be anger about abuse! It’s called righteous indignation & is mentioned in the Bible.
Righteous indignation means to be angry about injustice, malice & even abuse. It is anger felt about something that offends your morals. Consider the story of Jesus overturning the tables of the moneychangers in the temple in Matthew 21:12-13. He was angry that the temple was no longer a house of prayer but a den of robbers thanks to the behavior of these people. That anger was hardly sinful! It was correct! It motivated Jesus to get their attention & make changes. And, he did so without hurting anyone!
When feeling angry, consider your anger. Most likely, you aren’t only angry at your abuser for hurting you, but at the wrongness & unfairness of the abuse. There is nothing wrong with that anger at all! You can use that anger to motivate you to make positive changes in your life, such as end the relationship with the abuser. You can use it to raise awareness of what you have endured. This righteous indignation is a very good thing provided you use it constructively rather than destructively.
If you have been in this situation & feel badly for still feeling some degree of anger about the abuse you have endured, please consider what I have said. It is good to release the anger at the perpetrator as you are able to do so. Carrying around anger & unforgiveness is unhealthy in the long term. However, maintaining that righteous indignation about the painful & abusive acts committed on you is perfectly normal & yes, even Godly. Don’t let other people convince you otherwise!