Those abused by narcissists, in particular raised by narcissistic parents, tend to be people pleasers to an extreme. Under the abusive influence, you learn that you are to have no needs & never to burden anyone with your so called “trivial” wants, needs & feelings. You also learn that love is conditional & if you want love, you must do everything right. It’s the perfect recipe for becoming a people pleaser.
Finally comes a time when you realize you are exhausted & depressed. This people pleasing thing is extremely hard work & incredibly unrewarding. Instead of people loving you & appreciating all that you do for them, they expect more & more from you. They also expect you to do for them no matter what is happening with you. You could be sad or busy or sick, & they still expect you to do whatever pleases them with no regard to you. The unfairness of it all makes you mad.
You also realize that no matter how hard you try, pleasing people is impossible to do all of the time. Being a mere human being, you will fail sometimes. You will miss the mark. Those who expect you to please them have little patience for your failures, & can be very cruel. This adds to your anger & depression.
You also realize you can’t spend all of your life trying to make other people comfortable & happy. It’s not your job! Besides, many of the people you worry about making comfortable & happy don’t care about making you comfortable in return, so the relationship is very one-sided. This unfair burden is maddening.
You also reach a time of being fed up with other people’s expectations. You will become very angry that people expect so much of you while giving you little or even nothing in return. You finally realize that it’s detrimental to your mental & emotional health to make pleasing others a priority while ignoring yourself.
One day you are going to be furious that you lost your identity while trying to please other people. You will realize that you have no idea who the real you is & that too will make you angry. That realization is scary & painful. It leaves you feeling completely lost.
You also will become fed up with constantly having to defend yourself. When you can’t do something that is expected of you by the ungrateful, using types, they get angry & say & do the cruelest things as a way of punishing you for not doing what they think you’re supposed to do. That gets old!
The life of a people pleaser is not an easy one. It also isn’t the one that God wants anyone to live! The purpose of this post today is to help inspire you to break free of that extremely dysfunctional role!
Stop worrying about pleasing everyone! It’s impossible anyway. Instead, worry about pleasing God, yourself, & those safe & wonderful people closest to you!
Learn who you are, & embrace that person. Psalm 139:14 says that you are fearfully & wonderfully made. In other words, God doesn’t make trash. He made you into the special, wonderful person that you are.
You deserve the same happiness you’re trying to give other people. Don’t be afraid to help yourself to some happiness for a change!
7 responses to “For The People Pleasers”
Cynthia, well said. Pleasing a narcissist is at best a short term result. The best line about the famous narcissist who is no longer president was uttered by an attorney who worked for him and was written in 2016 before the election. Thomas Welch said “If you are on Donald Trump’s good side, don’t get used to it, as you will not be there for long.” At some point, the pleaser will not jump high enough or genuflect low enough and will be on the outs. So quoting Ricky Nelson in “Garden Party,” – “You can’t please everyone, so you have to please yourself.” Keith
It really is. It’s a band aid at best.
I don’t mean to sound rude here but would you please do me a small favor & not mention politics on my blog? Reasons being is the potential for such heated debates & conflict the topic often creates & like a president or not, I believe the office deserves respect even if the person in said office isn’t someone you like. Thank you!
That is so true. I always liked that line in the song. It’s true.
Cynthia, thanks for your comment. I will respect your wishes. Please know I do respect the office. Keith
I do appreciate your understanding! Not everyone is so respectful, unfortunately!
Good. I wish more folks did respect the office! I can’t fathom what a difficult job that is!
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And we if don’t meet their demands they make us feel like we are a bad person ☹️
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