Validation For The Strong People

Usually when I create blog posts or podcasts, I try to offer information & solutions.  Today’s is a little different.  Instead, I want to offer encouragement & validation.

Many strong people who have survived some awful things experience similar treatment from the people in their lives.  Other people seem to think these people never need help either in the form of physical help (such as doing a physically challenging task) or emotional help (such as needing someone to listen after a stressful day).  Also, they seem to think that the strong person is always up to being there for other people in any capacity at any time.

I think this happens because people think if you can survive serious traumas relatively well, then you can handle anything.  They don’t take into consideration that although you survived traumas, they took a toll on you in the form of mental health problems, possibly even C-PTSD.  You may not act out during flashbacks, you may get quiet like I do, so people don’t notice them, but they still happen.  You may not tell people about your all too frequent nightmares, anxiety, depression or even suicidal thoughts, but it doesn’t mean those things aren’t still a constant presence in your life.  Minimizing or trying to hide your memory problems & hyper-vigilance doesn’t make these issues any less serious, but it does make people think they aren’t a big deal to you.  If something doesn’t appear to be a big deal to you then other people will assume that something isn’t a big deal.  In fact, once people have established in their minds that your C-PTSD isn’t a big deal, you can forget getting understanding or sympathy for it.  I have lost track of how many times people have invalidated, minimized, told me I think too negatively or even judged me for having C-PTSD because they didn’t get it from their abusive childhood.  I am hardly a unique case.  This happens all the time to many, many people.

Since many people are very visual, relying only on what is obvious & right in front of them when forming opinions, they will see you functioning well rather than seeing what is behind the scenes of a person with C-PTSD who just happens to be high functioning.  They see you holding down a job, maintaining healthy relationships, & appearing mostly happy & assume this means all is well with you.

These often are the same people who think since you are clearly doing so well, then you should be there for everyone else.  You should be the one to listen when someone needs to talk.  You should be the one who checks in on others during their difficult times, or do what it takes to keep relationships afloat.  They don’t realize that it is extremely tiring being everyone’s therapist & being responsible for maintaining the relationships in your life.  One sided relationships are always exhausting, but are even more exhausting when you’re suffering too.  Some people don’t see this though, & instead label you as selfish, thoughtless, inconsiderate & more for any lapse in your therapist & relationship maintenance duties. 

Today, I have no advice on how best to deal with this situation.  I wish I did, but this is one of those things I’ve never been able to find a good solution to.  Instead, I want to offer validation & understanding to those of you reading this.  I understand how frustrated & tired you are!  I understand how alone you feel!  It isn’t right that so much has been put on your shoulders while other people are excused from the same responsibilities!  You have every right to be hurt or angry about this.  This isn’t fair to you at all!  My heart goes out to you & you are in my prayers!  xoxo

26 Comments

Filed under Narcissism

26 responses to “Validation For The Strong People

  1. Wow! This was so perfect for me today. I’ve blocked most of my ‘family’. If they saw the abuse – but then just sat back and gossiped – then they were complicit. I see why they did – they thought I had it altogether. Still not excusable though.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Glad the timing is good for you!

      Same here- I speak to two cousins & the one’s 2 kids on my father’s side & one cousin on my mother’s. The rest of my so called family? Blocked & they will stay that way.

      Definitely they were complicit. Neutrality & ignoring abuse helps no one but the abuser.

      No, absolutely not excusable. No one has it all together. Everyone needs help sometimes, especially when being abused!

      Liked by 3 people

  2. kavyag

    Such a cruel thinking people have! I block them too because unless we are facing something very serious like Cancer I don’t think they will see us as human beings with trauma. What’s ironic is people who have gone through narcissistic abuse do this too I have no words for such people.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Even if we did go through something serious like that, it still probably wouldn’t be enough for some people. When I went through the carbon monoxide poisoning, there were surprisingly few people who sincerely cared that I almost died. It was disturbing!

      That is true. You’d think the ones who went through narcissistic abuse would have the sense to know better!

      Liked by 1 person

      • kavyag

        It makes sense as to why they don’t care, they simply lack conscience. It truly is disturbing how people are so cruel!

        Liked by 1 person

        • Well, that’s true.. I just don’t understand people who can experience horrible things & come out so cold!

          Liked by 2 people

          • kavyag

            They justify their coldness by saying that they were abused and they don’t want to show any empathy as they weren’t shown any empathy too.

            Liked by 1 person

            • Mind blowing really.

              For some reason this reminded me of one of my aunts. She had cancer I think 4 times before it went to her brain & she died. Before that final episode, she clearly thought that there was no other problem in the world but cancer. It was bizarre. Heart problems? No big deal because it’s not cancer. Husband left you with no job & 5 small kids to raise? Not a problem. It’s not cancer! It was shocking how cold she became! The strange part is a close friend of mine had almost identical experiences with cancer & no matter what happened with her, she always cared about other people.

              Hubby said it was probably the cancer manifesting in my aunt’s brain that made her so mean but this was well before that started. I guess it was just how each person responded their life experiences. Aunt was a pretty spoiled child, friend had a very rough life from birth to death. Friend was the least entitled person ever, aunt was very entitled.

              Liked by 2 people

  3. kavyag

    So basically this whole world revolved around her Cancer and nothing else. It makes sense why she became this way as she was a spoiled child she developed entitlement since childhood only that she is above everyone and everything. I read that spoiling a child can make that child into a narcissistic adult.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yep! My grandparents were truly loving people but they spoiled their children. Not sure about one but the others turned out to be narcissists. 😦

      Liked by 1 person

      • kavyag

        Their love did more harm than good 🙁 such love is very dangerous I would prefer hate which makes me humble than love which makes me arrogant. Sometimes I wonder whether codependents are awakened covert narcissists because if I did not go through narcissistic abuse I would also invalidate and gaslight victims cruelly and smear campaign about them by saying that they are ungrateful children who are badmouthing their parents and finding faults in them and what not. My Dad showered love on me when I was a child I was his golden child while I was a scapegoat to my mom I acted like a narcissistic only when I was a Daddy’s girl I had so much ego and entitlement but as I grew older I am no more his pampered child our relationship became distant and I became more of a codependent than a narcissist I became humble. My family made me a scapegoat and today here I am a please pleaser with loose boundaries. A person’s true potential will be brought into light when they are in the spotlight. Maybe if I become a movie star or a public figure with massive fame I may again start acting like a narcissist. But another thing is I was a wise child too with sympathy and severe anger issues. It’s like I have two personalities in me one is grandiose and another is unworthiness. I would love to research how a person’s status and situations make one act narcissistic/codependent.

        Liked by 1 person

        • It did. They meant only the best for their children but it backfired terribly. 😦 They also lost a daughter when she was only 1 year old, which was utterly devastating to them. It’s understandable how they were with their children, but it wasn’t a good thing.

          That is often how the relationship between a narcissistic father & his daughter goes. Once she starts to gain some independence & grow up, she is no longer his precious little angel. I went through it too. At least the good that comes of it is the entitlement & narc behavior seems to automatically stop. It’s shocking to go from someone who could do no wrong to someone who can do no right. It’s a big blow to the ego!

          I doubt that.. you know too much about narcissism to behave that way if you were suddenly famous, I think. You know the pain it causes & how ugly it is, so why would you behave that way.

          Liked by 1 person

  4. kavyag

    That is very sad and unfortunate to lose a child I understand their extra love towards their other children but as you said it isn’t a good thing. Over love and over pampering robs a child’s developmental growth their rational mind doesn’t develop and hence they can’t see things from another person’s perspective. So basically such people are only dangerous to the society due to their inability to think objectively as you know.

    You hit the nail on the head! Our independence is a threat to them. As you know their love towards us is their own extension of their personality traits upon us rather than independent love so it is psychological projection. I am glad I am not object of my Dad’s Extensional Love anymore.
    Their discarding phase surely is a big blow to our ego that we are no longer their favourite girls but we are saved from becoming like our Dads 😀

    Thank You for your validation 😊 I sometimes wonder whether I am an INFJ narcissist with high IQ as narcissists are there in psychology field too. Due to this only I am conscious of my behaviour and analyze myself to see whether I am acting normally or in a narcissistic way.

    Like

    • It’s very sad indeed. Very understandable what happened but I so wish they wouldn’t have done this to their children.

      Oh yes! Totally worth the blow to the ego not to be “daddy’s girl” anymore when we’re saved from that!!

      There are too many narcissists in the psychology field! 😦

      I don’t see that in you, but I get you wondering about it. Pretty sure all of us with NPD parents who are aware of NPD have wondered such things!

      Liked by 1 person

      • kavyag

        It is very bad that there are many narcissists in psychology field as it can discourage victims from taking therapy. I read stories in daughters of narcissistic mothers group where the therapist sides with their NM and not only that these therapists even talk to these NM’s behind the daughters back 😟☹️😦

        It’s the part of gaslighting to wonder whether we are the narcissists. No one deserves to doubt themselves 😖

        Liked by 1 person

        • So true! They truly can make things much worse for victims.

          I believe that! One counselor I saw said she wanted to meet my mother. Sounded reasonable, so it happened. My next visit, she told me she couldn’t see me anymore because I was “such a terrible daughter”. She did see my mother for several years though. Eventually she was disbarred… for failure to report child abuse. Not exactly a surprise!

          It certainly could be. I wonder if it could also be we’re so afraid of being like them that we wonder if we’re narcissists. Most of us who grew up with narcissistic parents have shown some narcissistic traits periodically just because that’s what kids do- mimic their parents. Seeing that behavior in ourselves after learning about NPD easily could trigger thoughts of “maybe I’m a narcissist too!”

          Liked by 2 people

          • So true Cynthia on the thinking we are NPD! I often check the DSM-5 9 traits just to make sure I am not!

            Liked by 2 people

            • I believe that! I’ve spoken to so many children of narcissists who do the same thing. Before I learned about NPD, I got to the point of checking myself to be sure I wasn’t acting like my mother. Ex hub called me out once on something I said that sounded like her. Much as I hate to admit it, he was right. That started me checking myself

              Liked by 1 person

  5. kavyag

    Oh my god! I am so sorry to hear that therapist cruelly invalidated you and badmouthed you! I wonder how such people are even given license to practice. Therapists should be tested before they are allowed to practice I am glad she was disbarred I wonder how many victims she damaged with her shallow mentality. She herself must be a child abuser.

    You are so right that we pick our parents narc traits I read about narc fleas. Whenever I see myself invalidating others I apologize instead of giving excuses I think that I shouldn’t act like my narcissistic parents. I am happy that we are far from narcissists. They make me sick.

    Like

    • Thank you. I can’t tell you how glad I was she was disbarred!! Figured if she did that stuff to me, no telling how many others she treated that way.

      YES! Narcissistic fleas! I forgot that term but it really is a good one. Very descriptive & accurate.

      GOOD! That just goes to show you aren’t a narcissist! 🙂

      They are sickening indeed.

      Liked by 1 person

      • kavyag

        Your Welcome 😊
        That therapist herself have unhealed childhood trauma, she wasn’t raised with boundaries in her childhood so when you are standing up for your mom’s abusive behaviour she finds it intimidating. It triggered her own inability to stand up for herself towards her parents or caregivers. I don’t see any reason why would a healthy person with a healthy upbringing would project their issues onto you by saying that you are a terrible daughter when it was your mom who was a terrible mother. Only a person with trapped emotions side with an abuser. They subconsciously think “I can’t abuse anyone and show my anger so at least let me enable those who abuse others and feel better about myself and that way I don’t get bad name too as I did not overtly abuse anyone”.

        I have seen people getting extremely triggered when I stand up for myself regarding my narc parents. They have this demonic rage towards me as if I committed a grave sin and these are the people who can’t stand up for themselves and can’t call out on their abusive parents behaviours. It is so strange so how people have hive mind. It’s like narcs have a guidebook to abuse us and enablers have another guidebook to abuse us. If narcs are rapists then enablers are like those who support the rapists.

        Like

        • That wouldn’t surprise me at all. That is what happened with many in my family. They couldn’t handle me facing my demons so they tried to shut me up. Seems like a disturbingly common behavior.

          I’m so sorry that’s happened to you! I believe it though! Aside from their own baggage, many people want to believe that all parents love their children & would never hurt them.

          Liked by 1 person

  6. kavyag

    It makes sense why they couldn’t handle you facing your demons as they themselves did not face their demons. I stay away from such people now.

    Yes it is true that they believe all children love their parents and whatever they are doing is for their children own good only. When they are confronted they say that everyone have their own beliefs. How can someone have such a delusional belief?

    Like

    • It really does. Sad, but it does.

      Same here.. people like that are at best very dysfunctional, at worst, highly toxic. Best to avoid them! Dysfunctional is tolerable if someone is working on not being that way but people like this don’t want to do that.

      People want to be happy, even if that means being in denial. So what if their beliefs hurt someone, as long as they don’t have to face something that makes them feel bad? Terrible way to think but so many think that way I believe.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. kavyag

    So true! People are very self serving if love serves them they show love towards others if hate serves them they show hatred towards others. They will only try to change if they get big blow in their life that too if they are non narcs only as you know.

    Some people who are in denial lack conscience. If beliefs are more important for them than a person’s life then they are downright evil.

    Like

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