Being Judgmental

Some years ago, I used to sell bath & beauty products I made from all natural ingredients.  I got an email one day about my products.  I was surprised that this wasn’t the usual email asking if I could make some specialty product or make a unique scent for some perfume that the buyer wanted.  Instead, the person emailing asked if I practiced witchcraft.  Apparently because I used natural products & openly discussed my preference for herbal remedies over man made, this person assumed I was a practicing witch, not a Christian.

Several years after that, I had met someone online.  We shared a love of crocheting, so we discussed it often.  One day, she shocked me by saying, “I know why you don’t have kids.  It’s because of your mother!  You shouldn’t let her make you feel that way!”  Since we never discussed children in depth other than I had none & she had a son, her saying this was astonishing.  She also didn’t know me well enough to make such a judgment, but she then scolded me for feeling the way she assumed I felt.

Not long ago, someone my husband & I have known for years thanked my husband for doing something for her, then told him to thank me for “letting” him help her out.

I’m sharing these strange little stories because I wanted to show just how utterly foolish judgmental people can be.  People other than witches like natural things.  Consider how many people of all religious backgrounds like a cup of chamomile tea to help them sleep.  The second person assuming my mother is why I don’t have children isn’t any better.  My mother had nothing to do with my feelings.  And as far as me “letting” my husband do things for someone else, that is simply laughable.  Having been subjected to controlling people in my life & being very aware of how awful it is, why would I do that to anyone, let alone someone I love?  Yet, in spite of the ridiculousness of these assumptions, these & equally stupid ones happen to people every day, all the time. 

While it can be easy to judge someone, that doesn’t make it right.  The Bible tells us not to judge each other.  We are only supposed to judge in a discerning way.  John 7:24 in the Amplified Bible says “Do not judge by appearance [superficially and arrogantly], but judge fairly and righteously.”  In other words, appearance isn’t everything!  Judge by the things a person does.  Their actions dictate their heart, & the heart is so much more important than appearance!  Some of the kindest people you can meet are covered in tattoos & piercings while some of the cruelest people you can meet wear modest clothing, volunteer or attend church every Sunday. 

You may think that you aren’t a judgmental person, & I hope you aren’t.  But please look honestly at yourself.  If you see a homeless man, do you deliberately avoid giving him money because you assume he will use it for drugs or alcohol?  He may use money for drugs or alcohol, that is true, but he may use it to feed his dog or get a pair of shoes since his are worn through.  He may be struggling with mental illness or lost his job then his home.  Such things don’t make him a bad person.  They make him a person with a problem.  You may be his answer to prayer, but you won’t be if you judge him by his appearance.  Whatever his story may be, if you don’t try to offer him at least a little help, that says more about the condition of your heart than it does about him. 

I just wanted to encourage you today to take a look at your behavior, & if you recognize you can be unfairly judgmental sometimes, then please change that about yourself.  Not only is being judgmental ungodly behavior, but it also steals your peace.  There is no point in weighing yourself down with opinions of people & things that aren’t even any of your business in the first place.  Focus on what you need to, & don’t worry about the things that aren’t your concern.

22 Comments

Filed under Christian Topics and Prayers, Enjoying Life, Mental Health

22 responses to “Being Judgmental

  1. Cynthia, interesting. When I saw your first anecdote, I almost choked on my coffee. We should never cede our power away about when to take offense, but especially when someone makes such an inane remark. I shared this recently, that a crossword puzzle had a line of wisdom that is apt here. The clue was “When you argue with a fool, you have “BlanK” The answer is “two.”

    We cannot stop people from being judgmental, we can only govern our reaction. Sometimes, the best reaction is no response at all or a small conversation closing remark before you walk away or change the subject.

    Keith

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    • LOL Didn’t mean to make you almost choke on your coffee!

      That answer is so true. There is no point in arguing with a fool. Their minds are made up & nothing you say can change that.

      Absolutely. There’s just no point in reacting to judgmental people. Their assumptions can be rather entertaining, too. Might as well laugh about them.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. kavyag

    I am so sorry you were judged this way, as a person with trauma I can imagine how triggering it must have been for you!

    People are foolish they lack boundaries and are entitled to say anything. They are kids in adult bodies who lack immaturity. I have seen myself being judgemental I absolutely want to change it about myself, even if I want to judge others I judge in my mind and not say it out to them as it is wrong and cruel. I wish to develop more empathy and compassion towards people as no one deserves to be viciously judged.

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    • Thank you! The judgments weren’t too terrible, just mostly insulting. The one about me “letting” my husband do something is the only one that really hurt. It reminded me of my sister in-law screaming at my husband about how controlling of him I am, & that is NOT something I care to think about.

      Agreed.. people have become very entitled about saying what they like with no fear of consequences. I believe social media has made that acceptable.

      Good for you! Developing more empathy is always a good thing! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • kavyag

        That lady thinks that you are very bossy towards your husband? 🙄

        I wonder why woman like your sister in law even get married. I am sure she is the one who is very controlling with her husband and projecting it onto you. A woman who tries to control her brother will obviously control her husband.

        In the name of “Freedom of Speech” People speak all rubbish whichever comes into their mind.

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        • Apparently she does. Maybe she thinks because he does stuff for her that it’s my idea since not all men think of that sort of thing? It’s all I can figure. She fails to realize my husband likes doing for other people & is thoughtful. I have nothing to do with that.

          Obviously I can’t speak for all women but regarding my sister in-law, my theory is she got married to escape her home life. She stayed with him not out of love but because that’s just expected or maybe because she was afraid she’d never find someone else.

          Oh yes. She does control her husband.

          That is the truth. It seems freedom of speech to many people equals freedom to say anything to anyone, no matter how rude or hurtful you are it.

          Liked by 1 person

          • kavyag

            So she basically thinks that men are not thoughtful and a woman is definitely behind him if he is helping other woman out 🤣

            It seems that her home life wasn’t good that is why she married to escape it. I am sure she loves controlling – from what I heard from you about her she has to have her way in everything. I have seen controlling woman marrying codependent men and making their life a living hell. These woman just can’t stay alone without poking their nails into others lives. They could not control their own childhood hence they replay their childhood wounds into their adulthood where they have to get their way even through cruel means.

            I totally agree. Freedom of Speech is basically harrasing others. No wonder many legal cases are happening regarding what is said on social media. In my state people even kill each other just due to a minor argument on social media and if people check what that argument is about it is basically nonsensical and trivial. I find it extremely insane 🤕

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            • I think she does. Her husband is a good guy but not a particularly good husband. Not abusive at all, just thoughtless & very rough around the edges.

              Yeppers! Both hubby’s sisters lived at home then married pretty young, like 18 or 19. His late brother moved hours away as soon as he could. Home life was less than idea, to put it nicely. Covert narcissistic mother & overt narcissistic father.

              She definitely wants her way with everything, but knowing her I’m sure she’d say that’s not true & she doesn’t get it anyway, poor innocent her, blah blah..

              What you describe happens all the time! It’s sad & horrible!

              Wow… killing each other over social media comments?! That is outrageous!! People are becoming more selfish & foolish by the day.

              You reminded me.. I read something a while back about Facebook. Someone discussing the evils of it. I was on board with some of it but then the author threw up a big red flag. He said something about needing to get his opinion out there. Made me wonder what made him think his opinion so utterly important?! Sounds like a very narcissistic thing to say to me. I never read anything else by this person so I don’t want to say this person is definitely a narcissist, but that comment sure made me wonder.

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  3. kavyag

    Due to her husband only she thinks men are not considerate.

    Covert narcissistic mother and overt narcissistic father speaks volumes about their childhood. It is a nightmare it is very unfortunate to have such parents.

    Poor me mentality she have. She feels that she is the ultimate victim. I have seen such people going nowhere in life no wonder she still feels the need to control Eric’s life. I wish Eric can put her in her place.

    There are particular areas in my state who kill others just because they did not greet them they felt insulted and could not take it so they had to kill them – imagine if we introverts go there what will our state be. And there are others who kill people because they did not serve them good food when invited to home. Such insanity is happening! Irony is these people can be loving towards their family – golden child and scapegoats are not necessarily there in their families. People are definitely becoming more selfish and foolish day by day. Rational thinking is lacking in a big way and it is dangerous to live in a society where rational thinking is not there. I feel that even toxic people are narcissists the degrees can be 20% 30% but still they are narcissists it’s just that their narcissism is not to extreme degree.

    That person is definitely a narcissist. If his opinion is important over anything else then he is having a God Complex he thinks that his opinion is a Gospel.

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    • That’s my guess too

      It really is a nightmare & I feel badly for my husband & his siblings, growing up with that. Thank God at least his father changed his ways his last few years. He’s the only reason other than God that I believe it’s possible for that to happen with narcissists. Highly unlikely, but possible at least.

      Yep, it’s all about poor her. Just like her mother. Ugh… I can’t take it.

      That is horrible for sure! I see it happening here too. I watch a lot of true crime shows on tv, & so many stories are of someone feeling disrespected so they killed the disrespectful person. So much of what the Bible predicted is coming to pass. I really think that 2 Timothy 3:2-5 doesn’t use the term NPD, but it certainly describes it well & you see it everywhere these days. Some may be lower on the spectrum, but they’re still there, on the spectrum.

      Truly not right thinking that way at all.. disturbing someone can find their opinions so valuable.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. kavyag

    Eric’s Dad is a malignant narcissist? When he changed his ways did he apologize for his behaviour?

    Yes it’s so true many are on the spectrum it’s like the software programme and most of the society have the programming in them. Only those with rational thinking don’t have this narcissism software in them. Even I am on the spectrum to some extent. Have you read signs of high emotional intelligence? They are totally opposite of narcissism.

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    • I wouldn’t call him malignant. But, he was on the spectrum. He was very wounded himself & out of that wounding, became abusive in his younger days. Several years before he died, he turned to Jesus & became a different person. By the time he died, he was much kinder.

      I think probably by the strictest definition of the disorder, some would argue that everyone is on the spectrum to some degree, but that isn’t entirely fair. Healthy people can be considered selfish by taking care of themselves, & that is hardly narcissistic!

      I have & you are so right about that. Narcissists have very low EQs. Emotional intelligence & signs of NPD seem to be about exact opposites

      Liked by 1 person

  5. kavyag

    As he is not malignant it makes sense that he became a better person it can happen with some people. I am glad that he turned to Jesus and became a different person.

    I agree that Healthy people aren’t on this spectrum given how empathic and compassionate they are. I would say that taking care of ourselves and not expecting others to do that job for ourselves is itself not selfish. Narcissists see codependents as their surrogate parents and expect to do everything for them which is extremely selfish.

    Yes they have very low EQ’s. I live in a third world country I have never come across someone with EQ and I don’t think I will ever come across as my culture supports codependency. I am sure there are many people with EQ in foreign countries.

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  6. kavyag

    These narc mothers deserve a special place in hell they are the family breakers I can’t wait for mine to die. I wonder how Eric’s and his Dad relationship would have been if his mom died much earlier. I had good relationship with my psychopathic sister in my childhood, God knows what my mom lied to her that my sister grew hatred towards me to the extent of killing me. All these mom’s do is spill venom about us.

    Even my Dad is sensitive and perceptive he feels sympathy for fictional characters he have this sadistic empathy he enjoys my suffering. Cold hearted people are better as they will be cold towards our emotional states and hence they are not bothered to inflict pain on us so they are less dangerous compared to HSP narcissists.

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    • They are horrid aren’t they? Makes you wonder what they say in situations like yours to turn siblings against each other & the other parent against the children.

      So very true. Indifference is bad but better than actively enjoying watching someone suffer

      Liked by 1 person

  7. kavyag

    They are disgusting to the core. After my sister tried to kill me and after I came back from the police station my mom told my dad that why my sister should bother about me? Bitch you itself pit her against me and now you itself are saying that why should she bother about me? It’s nothing but gaslighting they believe that nothing is their fault. I wonder whether we trauma survivors even get justice 😕 we suffer for years and years and top to it we get blamed 😡

    Exactly. Indifference is better than torturing others mentally. I would rather stay with a cold person than an emotional person who projects his emotional wounds onto me.

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