About Emotional Intelligence Shaming

The definition of emotional intelligence is the ability to be aware of, express, & control one’s emotions.  It also includes the ability to handle relationships with empathy & fairness.  People with a high degree of emotional intelligence are often kind, fair, understanding & tolerant of the mistakes of others while not tolerant of abuse.

Narcissists hate emotionally intelligent people.  There are many various reasons they can feel this way.  Possibly the main reason is because narcissists are very emotionally unintelligent, & therefore can’t understand the emotionally intelligent so they hate them. Narcissists understanding the emotionally intelligent would be like the average person trying to understand how geniuses like Einstein thought.  It would be impossible… although the average person at least wouldn’t hate him for his intelligence.

Another & even more likely scenario is because emotionally intelligent people aren’t easily fooled or manipulated.  Narcissists want to fool & manipulate their victims so they can get whatever they like from them.  Emotionally intelligent people have good boundaries & they understand people.  This makes it nearly impossible to fool & manipulate them.  It may happen briefly, but it won’t happen long.  This makes them very unnerving for narcissists.

For the emotionally intelligent person in this situation, the narcissist & their flying monkeys will be incredibly shaming.  They come up with all kinds of ridiculous things to say to the victim in order to shame them into compliance.  In Christian circles, often the Bible is twisted around for the purpose of shaming the victim: “If you remember, the Bible says to honor your parents!”, “Wives should submit to their husbands!” & “Love covers a multitude of sins!” are some examples of Scriptures being used to shame victims into tolerating abuse.  When Scripture isn’t used, the ridiculousness doesn’t get any better.  People try to shame the victim by saying equally stupid comments such as, “You need to forgive & forget!” “That’s in the past…”,“That’s just how she is.”, “You need to understand her better.” & “But he was abused by his parents!!”

Comments like these can create a great deal of conflict & confusion in someone victimized by a narcissist.  A person who is emotionally intelligent however, isn’t conflicted & confused.  They recognize the bad behavior for what it is, & have no problem calling out the people who say these things.  

If this happens to you, a very helpful thing you can do is remember what type of person is saying these things.  You aren’t dealing with another emotionally intelligent person.  They don’t say such stupid, heartless comments.  You also can ask God to tell you the truth about this situation, & ask if they were right in what they said.

It also helps to look objectively at your situation & ask yourself does what this person said to you make any sense?  If you can’t seem to look at the situation objectively, I know a trick that can help.  Pretend a friend has told you of this same situation happening to them.  Doing this can help you feel disconnected enough to look more objectively at your situation.  

Please remember to be proud of being the emotionally intelligent person you are.  Narcissists & their flying monkeys only criticize it because it means you see through their abuse.  Don’t accept their shame! The shame belongs to them & you have no reason to carry it!


Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health, Narcissism

7 responses to “About Emotional Intelligence Shaming

  1. Cynthia, well done. I would add narcissist hate “intelligent people” as well. I have seen many a elected official with an ego to match wilt when asked questions they cannot answer. Keith

    Liked by 1 person

    • They really do. I can’t help but think that’s why my ex husband was so adamant about making me feel stupid. He realized I was smarter than him so he had to squelch that. Bonus was doing so made him feel better about himself.

      True about elected officials. Narcissists in general do that. Or, they talk in circles so as to confuse the person asking them the questions they can’t answer which gets them off that topic (if the narcissist can do that, anyway).

      Liked by 1 person

      • Cynthia, so true. Your ex used the narcissist playbook of being smug to overwhelm others in the conversation. I detest smugness as it is an obvious ploy to avoid argument. As for politicians, Rule 101 is if you don’t like the question, answer one not asked. One of my favorite politician examples is former Senator John Kyl answering a question when he was caught in a lie by a reporter. He said “Your problem is you mistook what I said as the truth.” In essence, he said it is your fault I am lying. Now that is smug. Keith

        Liked by 1 person

        • Quite. He was very good at that too. It wasn’t until long after our divorce I realized I was quite a bit smarter than him.

          I’m with you.. smugness sickens me.

          That makes sense.. what a good way to deflect off the topic at hand, & narcissists do love deflection!

          Wow.. that DEFINITELY is smug. I can’t stand when people refuse to admit their wrongdoing, but even worse when they blame others like that senator.

          Liked by 2 people

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