At the time I’m writing this, it is October 27, 2021. Four years ago at this time, my father’s funeral was taking place. I remember the day well & following is why. I believe what I learned that day can help those of you who follow my work, so I’d like to share my story with you.
Years before my father died, he gave me a Bible I’d given him as a gift years before. He said he wanted me to be sure it was in the casket with him when he died. For a long time, it sat on a shelf in a closet, sadly waiting for that day. Shortly after he died in October, 2017, I remembered that Bible. Although we were no contact at the time of his death, I knew I had to honor my word & be sure that Bible was in his casket. Before the funeral, my husband & I went to the funeral home & spoke to a very lovely lady who told me she’d be sure it was in the casket where no one could see it, then prayed over my husband & I. Something else very interesting happened at that time though.
Prior to giving the Bible to the funeral home, I thought I should check inside it. My father kept things everywhere, so maybe he had things stored in the Bible. Turned out he did. I found receipts, greeting cards & notes in there. Upon removing these items, I realized the notes spoke about the abuse my mother forced upon me in my childhood. I put everything aside because I knew I wasn’t able to handle whatever was said in those notes. I tried not to think of them because I was so upset about not only his passing but my abusive & horrible family’s behavior at that time & knew I couldn’t handle the content of those notes just yet.
The day of my father’s funeral, I decided to read those notes & was stunned with what I learned. I knew my father didn’t know all of the abuse from my mother, but the notes showed me he knew far more than I realized. I became angry, because he knew quite a bit, but did nothing to help me.
A bit later that same day, I was doing some housework. I told my Amazon Echo Dot to play music by Wham! I thought fun 80’s music could be a distraction from the sadness of the day & anger. Interestingly though, rather than playing what I asked her to, she said, “Here’s music by Waylon Jennings…” & immediately played “Only Daddy That’ll Walk The Line.” I was shocked because she never misunderstood me. I love Waylon Jennings’ music, as did my father, so I figured let it go. Oddly I didn’t know that song. I thought I’d heard all of his music, & learned I was wrong. I stopped what I was doing to listen to it & was stunned with what happened.
If you don’t know, “Only Daddy That’ll Walk The Line” is about a man married to an awful wife, yet he stays with her in spite of being fed up. As I listened to the song, I knew in my heart that song was basically God saying, “This is how your father felt.” Not making excuses for his behavior or saying anything like “forgive & forget because..” or, “You can’t be mad, because….” This was simply an explanation as to why my father failed to protect me from my mother. While that made me angry at my father for failing to realize he could’ve protected me, it also gave me some peace. For so long I wondered why my father let my mother treat me so badly. I finally had an answer.
For those of you who have also been abused by a narcissist, if you have the opportunity to learn why a narcissist abused you, or why your other parent failed to protect you better from your narcissistic parent, I would encourage you to learn all you can. Learning the reason for the abuse or the failure to protect you obviously doesn’t make everything ok. It probably is going to make you angry. But, it also may help you to realize that the abuse truly had nothing to do with you. Yes, you were the victim of some very unfair & horrible treatment, but that doesn’t mean that you deserved it! It means that your abuser was pretty messed up to think it’s ok to treat you that way. It also means anyone who thinks that treatment of you is ok or failed to help or protect you is just as messed up as the narcissist. This knowledge is priceless! It’s also so freeing! The truth really does set you free! It may not miraculously deliver you from all damage done, but it sure will help you if you’re struggling with thoughts like what you did to deserve the abuse or make the narcissist treat you so badly. No one who has been abused should have to deal with such thoughts.
5 responses to “Valuable Knowledge For Victims Of Narcissistic Abuse”
Cynthia, thanks for sharing this with others. They will benefit from your horrid experience as a victim. I am sorry you had to go through that. Keith
Thank you. I sure hope they do. It may sound silly to some but I truly believe the more you learn about abusers, the less likely you are to blame yourself. After being told it’s all your fault, it’s easy to believe it really is. Anything that helps that not to happen is a VERY good thing!
Thank you again, Keith. I’m sorry I went through it too. I’m at least glad to have some answers though, even if the answers weren’t particularly good.
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Well said on the benefit of knowing more about abusers.
Thank you. I’ve seen so many people say it’s not important to understand the abusers because they’re simply evil. That never sat right with me. Once I started thinking about it, I realized for me, it helps to understand them because if helps me accept the fact it wasn’t my fault.
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