Narcissists Shame Victims For Having Emotions

When in a relationship with a narcissist, one thing becomes obvious very early on.  There is no room for any emotions in a relationship with a narcissist, unless those emotions either belong to or somehow benefit the narcissist.

Basically this boils down to the narcissist is allowed to have any emotions they want, including rage, & the only emotions victims are allowed to have are ones that provide narcissistic supply. 

Emotions that provide the most narcissistic supply are love, lust or admiration for the narcissist, & anger, sadness or hurt because of them.  Another way emotions can provide narcissistic supply is when a narcissist is controlling the emotions of another person.  If narcissists can make their victim fall in love with them, feel sad or angry, this is a huge power trip for them.  Simply put, any emotions that are directly related to the narcissist, whether the emotions are positive or negative, provide narcissistic supply.

If a victim feels anything that isn’t one of those emotions that provides narcissistic supply, or worse yet, takes the focus off the narcissist somehow, that victim can count on being mocked, invalidated, raged at, or ignored.  After all, according to narcissists, they are the only important ones in any relationship.  Only their feelings matter.  No one else’s feelings matter at all, no matter what, unless those feelings can provide supply.  The person feeling those inconvenient emotions must be shut down so they stop bothering the narcissist with their “petty” feelings. 

Over time, someone who is on the receiving end of this horrible & abusive behavior without knowing this narcissist is being abusive learns to distance themselves from their emotions.  They often scold or even shame themselves for having such feelings before stuffing them way down inside.  They also become numb to their emotions, & lose the ability to connect with them or even simply recognize what they are feeling.

If this has happened to you, know you’re not alone!  It happens all the time to victims of narcissistic abuse.  You can heal & regain a healthy emotional life!

Prayer is incredibly helpful in this area, as it is in all areas, so I find it is wise that no matter what you do, pray for God to give you help, wisdom, guidance, understanding & strength.

You’ll need to pay close attention to how you feel.  Even if you feel nothing, ask yourself is that true or is there something else under the surface?  It’s going to be hard at first, but in time, identifying your emotions will get easier.  Just keep hanging in there.

Writing things down may help too.  Sometimes writing has this ability to bring clarity in situations that don’t have any.  Seeing things in writing makes things more real somehow.

Very importantly, be patient with yourself.  It will take you time to get to a healthy place with your emotions.  In the meantime, you may find yourself feeling very moody or getting overly emotional about situations sometimes.  It happens & isn’t anything to worry about.  In time, your emotions will balance out again.  It’s kind of like a pendulum.  At first, your emotions go wildly from one direction to another, but in time, they settle down somewhere in the middle.


Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

14 responses to “Narcissists Shame Victims For Having Emotions

  1. Good post and advice.


  2. Pingback: Narcissists Shame Victims For Having Emotions — Cynthia Bailey-Rug – Emerging From The Dark Night

  3. This is so helpful it reminds me of how John Bradshaw writes emotions tend to become bound in shame, then we cannot have the emotion like sadness or anger without feeling defective and shame based.. I experience this with anger.. We were not allowed to protest as young ones and that is so toxic for us in later life. This is such a helpful post and so clear.. Thanks so much for writing it.


  4. Thank you for stating the issue in your title! This is precisely what Narcissists have done to me! *I* cannot have emotions, only *THEY* can! Soooo fair! 😐


  5. Also: Narcs shame their victims for EVERYthing. Being alive and responding to circumstances, really. They desire a person who is completely a YES man/woman…why be in a relationship, then?


    • That is the truth!! Breathing? Yep, you should be ashamed of yourself for that!

      Some months ago, I saw this article about a man who spent thousands of dollars on a robot “wife”. He can program her any way he wants, & turn her off if he doesn’t want her around, that sort of thing. I thought that would be the perfect solution for narcissists! But, then again.. probably that still wouldn’t be good enough!

      Liked by 1 person

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