Something I have come to learn about people is many times, when you end a relationship with someone, other people assume it’s because you hate that person. I was reminded of this not long ago when someone made a comment on one of my old YouTube videos. The video was made when I first learned my father was dying, & I mentioned how I wasn’t going to see him at the hospital. The commenter said that I shouldn’t hate him, I should forgive him. This frustrated me because I have heard similar comments before so many times, mostly from my intensely dysfunctional family. In talking with people who read my work, I’ve learned this happens all the time.
Anyone who jumps to the conclusion that those of us who have ended relationships do so out of hatred & unforgiveness needs to know some things.
There are people who end relationships out of hatred & unforgiveness of course, but the vast majority of people have other valid reasons for ending relationships, even with their own family members.
People change, & sometimes those changes mean people grow apart. It’s natural. Not every single relationship was meant to be a lifelong commitment.
Sometimes people think someone is a certain way when the relationship begins, but as time passes, they realize that person is not like they thought. Most people are on their best behavior at the beginning of any relationship, & as time passes, they stop trying so hard. That can mean there are some ways people are incompatible that weren’t evident at the beginning, or it can mean that someone is dysfunctional or even abusive. There is nothing wrong with ending such relationships.
While family should be a lifelong relationship, it isn’t always possible. Sometimes family members seem to be good people until something happens that changes them. Maybe the patriarch or matriarch of the family dies, & suddenly people change. That happened in my family. Once my grandparents died, people changed a great deal, & not necessarily for the better. The patriarch & matriarch of a family often can keep the bad behavior to a minimum. Once they pass away, the bad behavior is no longer restrained, & people feel free to behave however they like, including very badly. When the bad behavior is toxic or even abusive, there is absolutely nothing wrong with ending those relationships.
People who are so quick to judge & criticize others who end relationships should consider such things before passing judgment. There are other things they also should consider.
People who have been abused almost never exaggerate their experience. If anything, they leave out plenty of details & even minimize it. If someone claims another person abused them, chances are excellent it was much worse than what they said.
Abusers are excellent actors who portray themselves as good people to anyone who is not their victim. Just because someone is nice to you doesn’t mean they are incapable of being abusive.
Along those same lines, just because someone is active in their church, volunteers, is a teacher, doctor or in another helping type profession doesn’t mean they can’t be abusive. Abusers can be found in all walks of life. They exist in all religions, races, genders & careers.
Enduring toxic & abusive relationships doesn’t make you a good, Godly person. It isn’t the “good Christian” thing to do. There are plenty of Scriptures throughout the Bible where people are told to have nothing more to do with other people. In Genesis 12:1, God told Abraham to leave his family. 2 Timothy 3:1-5 talks about people God wants His children to have nothing to do with. Titus 3:10 warns to have nothing to do with divisive people. Ephesians 5:6-7 says we are to have nothing to do with those who are deceptive. Clearly this is a topic on which God has plenty to say, & people would be wise to take that seriously rather than judge those who end certain relationships.
Cynthia Bailey-Rug, Christian Author 
Cynthia, good post. How many books and screenplays have been written about people who are in love, but cannot live together anymore as the bad outweighs the good or it is just too painful? Well done. Keith
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Thank you!
That is the truth. The song “Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough” came to mind just now, in fact. It’s true.. sometimes love really just ain’t enough.
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Such apropos song lyrics.
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Truly. I looked up the lyrics since I forgot some… Check out the chorus by the ***
I don’t want to lose you
But I don’t want to use you
Just to have somebody by my side.
I don’t want to hate you,
I don’t want to take you
But I don’t want to be the one to cry.
And that don’t really matter to anyone anymore.
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door.
****But there’s a danger in loving somebody too much,
And it’s sad when you know it’s your heart you can’t trust.
There’s a reason why people don’t stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just ain’t enough.
Now, I could never change you
I don’t want to blame you.
Baby, you don’t have to take the fall.
Yes, I may have hurt you,
But I did not desert you.
Maybe I just want to have it all.
It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something’s gonna change.
But there’s a danger in loving somebody too much,
And it’s sad when you know it’s your heart you can’t trust.
There’s a reason why people don’t stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just ain’t enough.
And there’s no way home
When it’s late at night and you’re all alone.
Are there things that you wanted to say?
And do you feel me beside you in your bed,
There beside you, where I used to lay?
And there’s a danger in loving somebody too much,
And it’s sad when you know it’s your heart they can’t trust
There’s a reason why people don’t stay who they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just ain’t enough.
Baby, sometimes, love
Love just ain’t enough.
No, no, no, baby, oh
Oh, no
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Thanks for sharing the whole song. I kept thinking of “The way we were.” They just could not make it work in spite of the intense love.
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Yes! Same sentiment. Sad but it does happen that way sometimes.
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“People who have been abused almost never exaggerate their experience. If anything, they leave out plenty of details & even minimize it. If someone claims another person abused them, chances are excellent it was much worse than what they said.”
This is so true! As I’m writing my memoir, I am amazed at how much abuse I have survived in my life. Most of the time, I did not tell anyone about the abuse, because it was too painful to talk about. It is also painful to write about, which is why it’s taking me so long to finish my memoir. I write something in my memoir every single day, but I often have to stop after just a few sentences.
Here’s an example of what I mean. One day, when I was writing about my first marriage, I wrote the following:
“Hey, look what I got,” Brad said as he walked through the door. I gasped when I saw what he had in his hands. It was a long barreled rifle.
That was all I was able to write on this particular day, just three sentences, a total of 30 words. I picked up where I left off the next day, and wrote quite a bit more. But it is slow going, even on the good days. Years ago, when I was married to that man — whose name isn’t really ‘Brad’, by the way — I did not tell anyone what was going on. He kept me too isolated and besides, I figured that nobody would believe me.
“Abusers are excellent actors who portray themselves as good people to anyone who is not their victim. Just because someone is nice to you doesn’t mean they are incapable of being abusive.”
Oh, yes. ‘Brad’ was the life of the party, with dozens of friends, while I was a shy wallflower-type in those days.
“Along those same lines, just because someone is active in their church, volunteers, is a teacher, doctor or in another helping type profession doesn’t mean they can’t be abusive. Abusers can be found in all walks of life. They exist in all religions, races, genders & careers.”
Again, Cynthia, you nailed it. My abusive mother is very active in her church, sings in the choir, and spouts Bible verses all the time. However, I have never seen any indication of a genuine heart change in her.
With the Lord’s help, I have forgiven my abusers, and I pray for their genuine salvation. But I refuse to maintain a relationship of any kind with an abuser. I spent too many years in that purgatory already!
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Your experience writing your memoir sounds like mine. It is extremely difficult to do! Remembering the terrible things & seeing them in writing is excruciating. it also is a wake up call to just how bad things really were. But you know what? When you are done, you are going to be amazed at how freeing it is! Having the strength do go through all of that is empowering. It will be one of the hardest things you ever do (if not the hardest) but also the most rewarding. Keep plugging away at it! Even if you only write 3 sentences in a day sometimes, keep going. Those 3 sentences will add up in time & when it’s done, you’ll be amazed you could do it.
Yep! Narcissists count on their victims not telling anyone & feeling as you did. I also felt it was my fault, so how could I complain too much if I made it happen, if that makes sense.
They also are so good at coming across like the good & sane ones aren’t they? Brad sounds like a great case for that.
I think abusers like your mother love churches for being abusive. They play on the idea of forgiveness no matter what, while convincing people that is all there is to it. No repentance or boundaries are necessary. Just forgive & forget forever or else you’re not a “good Christian.”
You’ve done what I have regarding forgiving but not allowing them in your life. It’s the best thing to do! What is good or holy about allowing people to treat you like dirt?! NOTHING!!
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