Help When You Can’t Avoid Dealing With A Narcissist

Most of us who were raised by narcissistic parents go on to have other relationships with narcissists.  We become their friends or worse yet, we marry them.  Thankfully, we also learn about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, see exactly how lethal & dangerous these people are & we move away from them onto healthier relationships.  It would be wonderful if that was where the experience with narcissists ends, but that isn’t the case.  While we can avoid future close relationships with them, we still can’t avoid narcissists entirely.  They are everywhere, unfortunately!  Because of this, we must learn how to deal with these people in a healthy way.

Most everyone has heard of the Gray Rock method of relating to narcissists.  Basically, you become incredibly dull to them.  You show them no emotions no matter what they do to upset you.  You don’t give in to their attempts to manipulate & control you.  You provide them no praise or criticism.  You also provide them with no personal information so they have no information to use to hurt you or tell other people.  This is absolutely the most successful way I know of to deal with narcissists.  One thing has been left out of the description of this tactic though. 

Never, ever tell a narcissist about how anyone has hurt you in the past.  Never!!

The reason being, if a narcissist knows someone has hurt you, they will on some level take this as a competition.  They will try to hurt you even more than that person has. 

What is the point of this, you may wonder?  It’s because narcissists are incredibly competitive creatures.  If someone has hurt you badly, that person has made a very big impact on your life.  The narcissist wants to make a big impact on your life, too.  Bigger than that other person, in fact, & if it takes hurting or even destroying you to make that happen, well, them’s the breaks! 

After my divorce yet long before I knew anything about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I began to realize something.  My ex husband treated me a lot like my mother did.  He wasn’t as obvious about it, but he still treated me much like her.  Both wanted to control my every move.  Both wanted my blind obedience.  Both wanted me to have no likes or dislikes that differed from theirs.  It was pretty disturbing to say the least! 

At that time, I chalked it up to I was gravitating to what was familiar by being with my ex & I married him because I fell for his manipulation.  Now though, I wonder if they were in some sort of deranged abuse competition.  My mother & ex both accused the other one of controlling me.  In all fairness, both were right about the other.  So both knew the other was making my life miserable.  That may have inspired them to try to out do each other.  My ex won because I moved out of my parents’ home as soon as I could & later married him.  But eventually, my mother won because I divorced him.

Can you relate to this story?  Have you experienced something similar?  If not, can you imagine narcissists you know or have known doing this sort of thing?  I am guessing you can imagine it if you haven’t experienced it already.

Please just remember- when you meet a narcissist that you can’t avoid, don’t tell them about any trauma in your past!  Keep that information to yourself.  It will be be in your best interest!

4 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

4 responses to “Help When You Can’t Avoid Dealing With A Narcissist

  1. “…if a narcissist knows someone has hurt you, they will on some level take this as a competition. They will try to hurt you even more than that person has.” — I have never heard of this aspect of narcissism. But it makes sense. And it could explain why my relationships kept getting worse, until I finally learned about narcissistic personality disorder and got away from those people!

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