Thoughts On Confronting Narcissists

When a narcissist has abused you, it is only natural to want to confront this person.  You probably want to tell them what they did was wrong & why it is wrong.  Or maybe you want to tell them that they are a narcissist & show proof of it.  Any normal person would want to do these things, but unfortunately, doing so is a very bad idea.

When confronted, narcissists don’t have “light bulb” moments where they suddenly realize what they have done was wrong, where they realize just how badly they hurt their victim & are upset by it & apologize.  Normal, functional people behave that way & narcissists are far from normal or functional.  They respond in some of the most toxic ways imaginable.

Upon confronting a narcissist, they may deny your accusations completely, or say that you are making up things. 

If you have proof of their awful behavior & denial isn’t an option, chances are very good the narcissist will find a way to blame someone else for their actions, most likely you.  Narcissists love to say, “If you wouldn’t have done that, I wouldn’t have had to do what I did.”

Many times, narcissists also dismiss confrontations.  They do this by claiming that you are too sensitive, overreacting, crazy or other disparaging or even cruel things. 

If the narcissist knows you are discussing their behavior with other people, they will create a smear campaign against you as a way to discredit anything you say about them.  If the narcissist can convince other people that you are the problem in the relationship, no one will believe anything you have to say, in particular about the relationship.

Narcissists universally do their best to convince everyone, including their victims, that the problem isn’t that they are abusive, but instead is the reactions to their abuse. 

This is why confronting narcissists is rarely a good idea.  The best case scenario in confronting a narcissist is that nothing will change, that they won’t acknowledge any wrong doing on their part.  The worst case scenario is that you will end up hurting even more because of their denial, blaming, dismissive-ness or even their smear campaign.

If you are considering confronting the narcissist in your life, please consider these things.  Can you handle such things happening?  Would dealing with them be worth it to get things off your chest to the narcissist?

If you decide that it will be worth it because it will help you somehow, then a confrontation may be a good option for you.  Please keep some things in mind if you choose to do this…

Keep your expectations low, or rather non existent.  Expect nothing good to come from the narcissist.  He or she won’t be happy about your confrontation & most likely will try to hurt you for this somehow. 

Chances are excellent that the narcissist will recruit their flying monkeys to go after you as a way to punish you.  Flying monkeys can be surprisingly hurtful.  If you expect their attacks though, they can hurt much less.  Just remember, true flying monkeys aren’t genuinely fooled by the narcissist & think they are helping.  They are just as cruel & malicious as the original narcissist, if not more so.  Someone who is genuinely fooled will be willing to hear your side of things & not try to force you to do anything like resume a toxic relationship.

Keep in mind the smear campaign is very likely.  If it happens, chances are good you will lose some people you didn’t expect to lose because they will believe the lies.  As painful as that is, let it happen.  Those who truly love you won’t believe lies or help to spread them.  Also remember that defending yourself against it only backfires.  Instead, say nothing.  Live your life as if the smear campaign isn’t happening.  Let your good character shine & prove how wrong the narcissist is.

I wish you the best in your situation, & pray God gives you wisdom!


Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

6 responses to “Thoughts On Confronting Narcissists

  1. Cynthia, if you need not deal with them that much, the best strategy is to vote with your feet and ignore them. They crave an audience. If you cannot fully ignore them, limit time – always have a preset meeting or something to do, so you can exit. The other way is to treat them as a third party, trying to stay at arms-length. The colleague I had who was a narcissist I just marketed to as a third party. I was civil and agreed and flattered him on occasion, but I stopped going to lunch with him and reduced a lot of exposure to him. Keith

    Liked by 2 people

  2. One of my husband’s granddaughters is being put through hell right now by her narcissistic father — he’s my stepdaughter’s ex-husband — and by the man’s narcissistic girlfriend. They are being unbelievably vicious toward my husband’s granddaughter. I care very much about the granddaughter, and her three young children, and I want to tell those two narcissists exactly what I think of them. But I know that would just make everything worse, like you said here. The best thing we can do is be a support for the granddaughter and her little children, and let them know that they are beautiful, they are infinitely precious, they are loved, and they didn’t deserve any of the insanity that’s been unleashed in their lives by these narcissists!

    My husband’s granddaughter is on her way back to New Mexico with her children right now, after fleeing Washington state to get away from her dad and his girlfriend. They should be arriving at my precious stepdaughter’s house soon, where they will be loved and protected. I am looking forward to seeing them. OH how I want to tell those narcissists off, for hurting her and her children! But I know it would only give them more fuel for their insane fire.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That sounds horrible!!! For them to go through & you & hubby to witness. I’m so sorry! It sounds like you are doing the best you can in these circumstances though. Thank God they are able to come somewhere safe & away from the narcissists! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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