The entire psychology around scapegoats fascinates me. Having been one myself, I found it so hard to understand at first why it seems so many people have thought it perfectly acceptable to treat me badly, in particular those I’m related to. Over the years, God has shown me quite a bit about that.
Scapegoats are often easy going & gentle people. It takes a lot to get the average scapegoat to fight back against being abused. That is partly why many scapegoats are targeted- they will tolerate more than the average person. Narcissists love how much they are willing to tolerate. It provides them a great deal of narcissistic supply, being able to abuse someone for long periods of time.
When scapegoats do fight back, they are often beyond furious. Narcissists love this too. They use their victims’ righteous anger to prove just how crazy & unreasonable they are. Bonus for narcissists – they get the joy of calling the scapegoat mentally unstable for reacting to the abuse.
Narcissists also love making their flying monkeys abuse the scapegoat. Not only does this mean that their scapegoat is being abused, but it also means that they have enough power over their flying monkeys to make them do their bidding. That’s a pretty big power trip!
When my father was dying & our family attacking me for not breaking no contact to say good bye to him, God showed me some of their motivations. I think they fit with those who abuse scapegoats in many situations, not only when a narcissistic parent is dying.
When scapegoats get healthy & are loyal to their new boundaries & beliefs, it upsets the dysfunctional people by proving that there is a problem with the family system. Many dysfunctional people are too cowardly to face truth, & prefer to utilize denial. The scapegoat’s actions showing there is a problem threatens that denial. People in denial can’t tolerate that, so rather than deal with the threats, they do their best to shut down the person who faces the truth.
Many flying monkeys are also narcissists, so they enjoy abusing just for the sake of abusing.
Many of those narcissistic flying monkeys are covert narcissists, so in addition to abusing an innocent person, they also enjoy the whole image of looking like they’re just trying to help when they try to convince the scapegoat to tolerate further abuse by the original narcissist.
By abusing the scapegoat, they somehow prove to themselves that it’s ok to abuse that person. If they can just get that scapegoat to accept the abuse without complaint, all will be right in their world. The reason being, if abusing this person is normalized, then there is no need to be upset that they did nothing to stop the narcissist from abusing the scapegoat. It proves to them that this person deserves whatever they have coming to them. There would be no need to try to stop the abuse if the person deserves it.
If you are a scapegoat & either have been or are currently in such situations, please know that whatever the narcissist & their flying monkeys do or say to you is not about you. You are not whatever they say you are! You are simply on the receiving end of their dysfunction. They are treating you badly because of their own issues, not because of anything you have done or anything you are. I know that can be hard to remember sometimes, but please try to do so! It truly can help you when these awful people attack!
2 responses to “When Scapegoats Are Abused”
Its so deeply painful being a scapegoat seeing how it operates is saddening and maddening.
It sure is!