Why Narcissists Keep Victims Focused On Fixing Relationships

Narcissists simply must be in control of their victims at all times.  That power gives them a tremendous amount of narcissistic supply, basically a “high” to them.  That “high” is so addictive, they will do anything to attain it.  One of the ways they accomplish this is by making their victims focus on fixing the relationship.

A very effective way to do this is to blame their victims for everything that is wrong in the relationship to keep their victims focused on trying to fix the problems in this relationship.  In typical narcissist style, they are allowed to do anything they want, say anything they want, spend all the money in the relationship including money they didn’t earn, ruin outside relationships to the point of isolating victims & anything else they can possible conceive.  Yet they say victims are completely unreasonable if such things bother them.  They often deny doing anything wrong, but on the off chance they do, they quickly will spin the situation around to where the victim appears to be the problem.  If only the victim hadn’t said or done that thing, then the narcissist wouldn’t have needed to do what they did.  It’s all the victim’s fault for making the narcissist so upset that they acted that way. 

I remember my mother saying what she did to me in my teen years was for my own good.  It wasn’t abuse, she was “trying to save me from myself by using tough love.”   Sometimes she would give me the silent treatment.  I’d beg her to tell me what’s wrong & she either wouldn’t answer or say, “If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you.”  My first marriage was much the same way.  If only I would’ve agreed to the long laundry list of unreasonable things my ex husband wanted from me, our marriage would’ve been just fine, according to him.  I’ve had so called “friends” who were the same way.  If I didn’t do what they wanted, when they wanted it & how they wanted it done, I was to blame for their anger.  Like typical narcissists, their bad behavior was all my fault according to them.  I was the one to blame for problems in these relationships & I needed to fix the relationships.  They didn’t see the need to make any changes whatsoever.  As a result of them saying such things, I honestly believed that I was the problem in these relationships for a long time. 

I hope none of you reading this are in this relationship right now.  If you are, my heart truly goes out to you.  It’s such a dreadful place to be!  You can survive it though & without doing whatever unreasonable things the narcissist wants from you. 

Prayer is always the best place to start in any situation, but I think in particular when it comes to dealing with narcissists.  Ask God to give you wisdom, discernment, creative ways to deal with them, courage, strength & anything else you can think of.

When they tell you what’s is “wrong” with you, don’t blindly take that as truth.  Stop for a moment & consider what they say.  Ask yourself, does it make sense?  Is this truly something wrong with me or is it something the narcissist wants from me & is trying to manipulate me into doing?  It can be a challenge at first to lose that knee jerk reaction to accept anything they have to say without question, but the more you do it, the easier it gets.  Keep doing this & don’t beat yourself up when you slip up sometimes. 

Get to know yourself.  This is a great thing to do for so many reasons.  One being the more you know yourself, the easier it’ll be to identify truth from the narcissist’s accusations & manipulations.  Pay attention to what you really believe & how you really feel about everything.  It’ll help you get to know the real you, not who the narcissist says you are.

Learn about boundaries.  Figure out what you are willing & not willing to tolerate.  Then start small when you set them.  That will build your confidence to set bigger & bigger boundaries.

Never ever forget – it takes TWO people to make a relationship work, not ONE.  No matter how wonderful you may be, you alone are incapable of fixing any relationship.  Two people must work together to fix it, or it’ll never be fixed.


Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Narcissism

7 responses to “Why Narcissists Keep Victims Focused On Fixing Relationships

  1. ibikenyc

    Amen, sister! 😀

    Liked by 2 people

  2. William Mathieu

    Spot on Cynthia. Well articulated. Many of us, that has been tormented by the demon ” narcissist ” since a child, went through life not knowing what boundaries are. We never were taught about them. So now, later in life I’ve come to understand the need for them. Though it’s a challenge for a seasoned man to being. But you are right,” know oneself first, and start small ????.

    Now I need your help with something irrelevant to this post. You encouraged me to blog with the others that follow you, and made a link for me. I’ve tried several times, to no prevail. I don’t even see the comments from your followers. I would enjoy being a part of them Cynthia. I’m sure it means much to you, to see us socializing together in the blog also. That’s what a good teacher does.????

    Get Outlook for Androidhttps://aka.ms/AAb9ysg ________________________________


    • Thank you!

      Learning boundaries as an adult is a challenge! Not an impossible one though, so I have no doubt you can do it! Starting small is the key, I think. (Well, after prayer of course) Once you realize you can set those small ones, you gain confidence to set larger & larger ones.

      I am so very sorry.. I don’t remember that but please don’t take it personally- my brain injury really damaged my short term memory. Did I invite you to my Facebook group?? Was that the link you’re referring to? Guessing so since many followers joined it. If that’s the case, you can search for “Fans Of Cynthia Bailey-Rug” on Facebook. If not, then please give me more details & be patient with my forgetful self!


      • William Mathieu

        ??. I’ll bet I got you beat on the forgetful self. Nothing was mentioned about the face book crowd Cynthia. I’m going through WordPress. Which seems weird sometimes, concerning our back and forth. Any how, you felt I would enjoy the comments of others as much as they had been enjoying mine. Yet I can’t seem to see any comments from others bogging in word press??. Don’t know if I’m doing something wrong Cynthia.

        Get Outlook for Androidhttps://aka.ms/AAb9ysg ________________________________


        • Well, I’m glad I didn’t forget mentioning my group at least..lol

          Regarding wordpress, that I’m not sure about. You might want to check with their support team. I’ve noticed odd things happen sometimes but I have no clue how to fix them.


  3. I like what you said here Cynthia, especially this paragraph:
    Get to know yourself. This is a great thing to do for so many reasons. One being the more you know yourself, the easier it’ll be to identify truth from the narcissist’s accusations & manipulations. Pay attention to what you really believe & how you really feel about everything. It’ll help you get to know the real you, not who the narcissist says you are. —- Great advice!


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