Some People Who Want To Help Others May Appear Kind But Their Motives Are Purely Selfish

It’s not uncommon for people to want to help others, whether it’s lending a hand or a shoulder to cry on.  Unfortunately, some individuals take on this role for purely selfish reasons, & covert narcissists are people who do exactly that.  

Covert narcissists often behave in this way.  They act like they are doing something to help other people, but in reality, they are only doing what they are doing as a way to benefit themselves.  They often easily manipulate or control their victims by appearing meek & helpful when the truth is that they are anything but.  Today, we will discuss this particular behavior of the covert narcissist & how to recognize them.

Covert narcissists often try to help people for all the wrong reasons.  They want to make themselves look good or feel better about themselves by helping others.  It’s important to recognize the subtle signs of covert narcissists so you can protect yourself from their toxic behavior.

Some of the most common signs of a covert narcissist include but are not limited to always talking about themselves in a humble way, a complete lack of genuine empathy, being very self centered, expecting others to be grateful for their help even when it isn’t truly helpful or needed, subtly manipulating conversations such as frequently interrupting, & always trying to be the hero.  

I’ve been around quite a few covert narcissists in my life.  My ex husband & my late mother in-law were covert narcissists, as was my father.  One thing they all had in common was saying that they wanted to help me, but their motives were anything less than unselfish.  They wanted to be the hero in an attempt to make me dependent on them.  My father in particular always wanted to be the one to fix things for me, & he clearly didn’t care if I could solve the problem or not.

It was difficult to recognize this behavior at the time, but looking back, I can see how manipulative this behavior was.  My father & ex often tried to control the situation & make me reliant on them.  Their actions were clearly selfish, & they didn’t care about helping me, but only about how it would make them look or feel about themselves.

It’s important to recognize these signs of a covert narcissist & protect yourself from their manipulation.  If you suspect that someone is a covert narcissist, be wary of their intentions when they try to help you, & don’t let them control the situation by “rescuing” you.  If you recognize that they constantly are trying to help you when it is unnecessary & unasked for, thank them for their effort, remind them that you can handle the situation, & don’t allow them to participate in solving your problem.  Any small access they have to your situation, they will use to their advantage, & they will use it to hurt or control you.  They probably will be offended that you don’t want their help, but it is better than allowing such toxic people into your personal life where they can hurt & control you.

Covert narcissists are cruel, heartless people who try to appear as good, caring people by helping others.  They will manipulate or control their victims at any opportunity, & don’t truly care about helping them.  It’s important to recognize the signs of covert narcissists & protect yourself from their toxic behavior.  It’s also important to recognize that not everyone who helps others is a covert narcissist, & to be open to genuine acts of kindness.

If you’re a victim of narcissistic abuse, remember that you are not alone.  Reach out to supportive people in your life, such as family or friends.  I also have a group on Facebook full of supportive, kind, caring people who have experienced all matters of narcissistic abuse.  It’s a safe place to communicate with others who have experienced similar situations to yours.  Feel free to connect with it if you like!


Filed under Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health, Narcissism

4 responses to “Some People Who Want To Help Others May Appear Kind But Their Motives Are Purely Selfish

  1. I only became aware of the reality of covert narcissism over the past year. I remember thinking I didn’t even know which type was worst, overt or covert. I can now see I had a tendency to fall for covert narcs and their subtle ways of displaying themselves as good and noble… These days I look for people who can see both sides of themselves, good and bad. It’s more realistic – and also healthier… Thank you for sharing this!


  2. William Mathieu

    Hello Cynthia. Once again, you articulated the covert spot on. With my ex-covert ( gosh, there’s no better word that describes them ) the help offered always had strings attached. Yet, when asked for her help, as in the question (would you consider investing in your husband? ). I would always get the FU look and then the cold back as she walked away. With in a week I would get punished for asking such a question. In her mind, there was no way her husband was going to rise to success, though my innovations would have benefit her also. I went home one day with great joy on my ?? about a raise I received. When I told her, she frowned, and said ( your making more money than me now ??? ). By the end of week, she came home and delivered to me with a condescending smirk, ( I just got a raise ). This behavior concerned me, and when I called her out on it, her reply was ( you would have to pick up on that !!! ). 1 week later I was punished again. Here’s a kicker on that one though. 1 week after her raise, I received another ????, making more money than her again. I never asked for them. This was totally God blessing me. Between me confronting her and the additional raise I got, well the rest is toxic covert revenge. Something I see now, but then, it screwed with my head, put a cancer in my soul, destabilized my emotions, and confused my feelings. Thank you Cynthia for the diligence you put into helping others heal from the demonic narcissist character. Many blessings to you and all those who may read this. Salvation is in Yeshua, love, joy, peace, and healing is in Him also. Your brother in Yeshua, William.

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  3. Not one thing about your story surprises me! They excel at giving with strings attached & being so smug while somehow making people feel like they aren’t as good as they are. Amazing isn’t it?? Thank God for opening your eyes to what you were dealing with & getting you away from that!!

    Thank you so very much!!


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