Easy Ways To Be A Better Listener

Have you ever been in a situation where you were pouring your heart out to someone, only for them to turn the conversation around to themselves?  Maybe you were talking about a difficult time in your life, & the other person kept interrupting with stories of their own struggles.  It can be frustrating & hurtful, especially if you’re already vulnerable.  This is why it’s important to remember that when someone is talking about something you can relate to, you should listen & support them, rather than making it all about you.

When someone is sharing a personal experience, it’s important to remember that they are trusting us with their vulnerability.  By turning the conversation around to ourselves, we are essentially shutting them down & telling them that our experiences are more important than theirs.  This can be incredibly damaging to our relationships, particularly with those who have experienced verbal & emotional abuse.

People who have been through abuse may struggle to open up to others, especially if they have been gaslighted, or made to feel like their experiences are not valid.  When we turn the conversation around to ourselves, we are reinforcing this idea that their experiences are not important.  It can make it even harder for them to trust others & feel like they can share their feelings.

Additionally, when we repeatedly turn the conversation around to ourselves, we are sending a message that we are not interested in what the other person has to say.  Even if we don’t feel that way, our behavior shows otherwise.  This can lead to the other person feeling invalidated & unheard, & they may start to avoid opening up to us altogether.

So, how can we respond in a way that shows we care & are invested in what the other person is saying?  Here are a few tips:

Listen actively: When someone is sharing with us, we should give them our full attention.  This means actively listening to what they are saying, without interrupting or trying to relate it back to ourselves.

Show empathy: Let the other person know that you hear them & understand how they are feeling.  This can be as simple as saying, “That sounds really tough.  I’m sorry you’re going through that.”  You also can say you went through something similar, but unless they specifically ask for all the details, don’t elaborate much so as to avoid turning the conversation’s focus to you,

Ask questions: If you’re not sure what to say, ask the other person questions about their experience.  This shows that you’re interested in what they have to say & can help them feel heard.

Avoid offering unsolicited advice: Unless the other person specifically asks for advice, it’s best to avoid giving it.  Instead, focus on validating their feelings & providing support.

Be mindful of your own behavior.  Take the time to reflect on how you respond when others open up to you & make a conscious effort to be more present & supportive.  This is particularly important for those who have not experienced verbal or emotional abuse, as you may not fully understand how your behavior can impact others.

Being a good listener is not always easy, but it’s essential for building strong, healthy relationships.  By being mindful of how we respond when others open up to us, we can create a safe & supportive space for them to share their experiences.  This, in turn, can help strengthen our connections & foster greater empathy & understanding.

When Family Objects To God’s Calling On Your Life

Family is supposed to be a safe haven, a place where although mistakes are made, everyone loves & supports each other.  They encourage each other to learn & to grow.  Sadly, this isn’t how families always work.  Sometimes, families are abusive & cruel, destroying each other physically, emotionally, spiritually & financially.  Some families are more interested in keeping up the appearance of being a loving family than actually working on being one.  Sometimes, families also put their wants above the will of God for each other’s lives, & people in this position are the ones I want to address today.

God created families to love, teach, support & nurture each other.  Sometimes though even families that do this don’t understand when one relative has a calling on their life that is out of the ordinary.  Their intentions may be good, but they still try to discourage that relative from doing what they know God wants them to do.  Then there are other families like mine.  Their intentions were anything but good when they tried to shame me for writing about the topics I do.  God showed me they did this to keep me from discussing topics that reminded them of their own pain or guilt for not helping me when I was being abused.

Being in such a position where people try so hard to discourage you from doing God’s will for your life can be so hard!  It makes you doubt, wondering if you really did hear God correctly.  It makes you feel embarrassed because people clearly think something is very wrong with you to be doing what you’re doing.  You also can’t help but feel like a fool.  But you know something?  If you keep doing what you know to do, you won’t regret it, & I’ll prove it.

Jesus Himself left His earthly family to pursue His heavenly Father’s will. He said in Luke 2:49, “And He answered, “Why did you have to look for Me? Did you not know that I had to be in My Father’s house?”  By stepping outside of his family’s expectations, Jesus was able to fulfill His divine purpose on earth.

God called Abraham to leave his family, his country, & his people to follow Him to a land that He would show him.  By leaving the familiar land of his family & stepping out in faith, Abraham was able to establish a covenant with God & become the father of many nations.

Ruth, a Moabite woman, chose to leave her family & homeland to follow her mother-in-law Naomi to Israel.  When she did this, she found favor with Boaz, a Godly man she later married.  Ultimately, Ruth became the great-grandmother of King David & part of the lineage of Jesus Christ.

I also can tell you from personal experience that although writing the topics I write about can be extremely difficult & painful when it forces me to remember my own experiences, it has been an incredible blessing too.  I have met some really wonderful people because of my work, several of which I’m happy to call friends.  I have received many messages from people saying how helpful something I wrote has been for them.  I also have the knowledge that I’m doing God’s will for my life, & that alone is incredibly rewarding,

If you want to do God’s will for your life & your family doesn’t approve, I encourage you to do it anyway!  Prioritize your relationship with God above everything else.  By spending time in prayer, Scripture reading, & worship, we can develop a deeper understanding of God’s will for our lives.  As we grow closer to God, He will guide us in how to navigate our relationships & responsibilities to our families. 

If He requires you to leave your family to do His will, you’re not alone!  You will survive it.  Even though it will hurt, the blessings well outweigh that hurt.  He certainly has done this for many people in the Bible & even with me.  He can do it for you too!

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Mother’s Day, 2023

I thought I should share a post for Mother’s Day since it can be such a horrid day for children of narcissistic parents.

Those who are of the “But that’s your MOTHER!!!” mentality, please leave quietly now.  This post is for those who are suffering through this day due to having a narcissistic mother. 

Now that that’s out of the way….

For those of you with narcissistic mothers, I know this is probably the worst day of the year for you. The message of loving mothers is everywhere.  “Your mother would do anything for you.”  “She loves you more than life itself!”  “Don’t forget to worship your mother today!”  When your narcissistic mother has tried to kill you, either physically or mentally, there are zero warm feelings associated with Mother’s Day.

Some people are sympathetic to our situation, even if they can’t understand it.  God bless these people!  Then there are those who say shaming things like, “But that’s your MOTHER!”  Often these people are narcissists themselves, flying monkeys who help narcissists abuse their victims.  Others are people who have suffered abuse & refuse to acknowledge their pain.  Their goal is to shut down anyone who faces their pain.  Witnessing someone face their pain also reminds them of their own & makes them feel cowardly for not facing theirs.  Rather than make healthy choices, they opt to shut down healthy people instead.

Understanding things like this can help to take some of the pain out of heartless comments, because it proves that the comments aren’t personal. They’re about the dysfunction of the person saying these things.  However, it’s still going to sting a bit, even knowing that.

Being raised by a narcissistic mother is painful.  There are ways to cope, however.

I firmly believe it’s necessary to grieve.  Grieve for the fact you didn’t have a good childhood.  Grieve because your mother never has been or will be a loving mom.  Grieve what you missed out on by your mother not being a loving mom.  Grieving such things helps you to accept your situation & heal.

On Mother’s Day, if you have children, spend time with them when possible.  Enjoy your family & celebrate this gift God has given you.

Don’t forget to acknowledge those wonderful women who were like mothers to you.  I had a friend who was like an adopted mom.  She was about 20 years older than me, & a wonderful lady.  Kris was nurturing, kind, loving, a natural mom & a devoted Christian.  Unfortunately it wasn’t until after she died that I realized I should have celebrated her on Mother’s Day.  Don’t make the same mistake I did!  If you have a wonderful mom figure in your life, wish her a happy Mother’s Day.  Give her flowers or a card.  Take her to lunch.  Do something together to show her how much you appreciate her.

If you absolutely must deal with your narcissistic mother on Mother’s Day, before you see her, pray.  Ask God to show you what you should do.  He will help you to know the best ways to cope!

Don’t forget, you also have the right to set limits on your time spent with your mother.  Don’t spend the entire day with her if you don’t want to.  Set aside an hour or two for her & no more.  If you know you’ll have trouble leaving when you want to, arrange something to do so you have to leave her at a certain time.

Take care of yourself on Mother’s Day & every day, Dear Reader.  You deserve to be loved & cared for, especially by yourself.  xoxo

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Being Too Close To Your Family Is Unhealthy

Genesis 2:23-24 in the Amplified Bible says, “Then Adam said, ‘This is now bone of my bones, & flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.’ ²⁴ For this reason, a man shall leave his father & his mother, & shall be joined to his wife; & they shall become one flesh.” These verses show how important it is to grow past the close ties with our family of origin in order to grow up.  Leaving the family’s nest is a vital step in becoming the person God has called us to be.  Today, we will discuss why staying too involved with family can be unhealthy & how to find freedom in God’s will.

It is perfectly normal to love & care for our families.  However, when we are too involved or dependent on them, especially as adults, it can hinder personal & spiritual growth.  Staying too involved with family can lead to unhealthy emotional attachments, unhealthy & unrealistic expectations, stress & strain on all of our relationships.

Additionally, staying too involved with family can prevent us from living our own lives & fulfilling our God-given purpose.  When we prioritize our family’s desires & opinions over what God is calling us to do, we may end up living an unfulfilling life that is not in alignment with our calling.

Finally, being overly involved with our family also hiders our ability to form deep & lasting relationships with other people.  When we are overly focused on our family’s needs, we don’t give ourselves the time or space to develop meaningful relationships systems outside of our family.

When we become more independent from our family, we are able to cultivate a deeper relationship with God, letting Him guide our steps & mold us into the person He created us to be.  We also are able to grow & develop as individuals.  We can explore new interests, engage in personal hobbies, & pursue our passions without feeling tied down by familial expectations.  And, when we establish healthy boundaries with our family, our relationships can improve as family members aren’t so deeply involved in our lives.

We must communicate & enforce our boundaries with family members.  This isn’t always easy, especially if the family members are narcissists, but it’s necessary.  Establishing healthy boundaries is vital.  If your family members are narcissistic, don’t show them any emotion because if you do, they will use that to manipulate you.  Remain calm & firm.  Remind yourself that you have every right to healthy boundaries, & they aren’t harming your relatives, no matter what they might say.  Healthy boundaries are always a very good thing!

Seek support & encouragement from others outside of our family unit.  Connecting with like-minded people can help provide affirmation, guidance, & encouragement to continue pursuing God’s will.  They also can pray for & with you, & they will help to keep you grounded.  All of which will help you to avoid falling back into old, dysfunctional habits. 

Remember, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be an independent adult.  It doesn’t mean you want nothing to do with your family or even hate them.  It simply means you’re a normal person with a normal desire that every single person has. 

Being A Good Witness Of Your Faith Is Not Always What You Think it Is

Acts 4:31 in the Amplified translation of the Bible says, “And when they had prayed, the place where they were meeting together was shaken [a sign of God’s presence]; and they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak the word of God with boldness and courage.” 

As born again believers, we need to be open our faith & not be ashamed of it.  That being said though, some of us aren’t always comfortable with talking about it.  I am one of those people.  Although my faith is strong, verbalizing it isn’t my strength by any stretch of the imagination.  Writing is easier but even so, if someone has some questions or tries to contradict what I say, chances are good my brain won’t cooperate with me.  I won’t be able to have an intelligent argument for why I believe what I believe because I am so uncomfortable with confrontations, which is what that feels like even when it is unintentional. I also am not good at remembering what Scripture I found where in the Bible.  That has nothing to do with my faith.  That is all on me.  It’s a big shortcoming on my part. 

Because of said shortcoming, I felt like a failure as a Christian for a long time.  Clearly, that’s not a nice way to feel.  However, as a victim of narcissistic abuse for so long, it’s also understandable.  Being abused by narcissists makes people feel like failures no matter what they do, because they can’t meet the unrealistic expectations of narcissists.  Over time, being accused of being a failure makes a person think they are a failure if they make any mistakes whatsoever.  That feeling is completely wrong, even about your faith, & I’ll tell you why.

Everyone has different gifts.  Ephesians 4:11 in the Living Bible says, “Some of us have been given special ability as apostles; to others he has given the gift of being able to preach well; some have special ability in winning people to Christ, helping them to trust him as their Savior; still others have a gift for caring for God’s people as a shepherd does his sheep, leading and teaching them in the ways of God.”  Clearly this says that we simply aren’t giving the same gifts.  If sharing the message of the Gospel isn’t your gift, that doesn’t mean something is wrong with you!  It also doesn’t mean that you can’t be a good witness of your faith.

When people learn that you are a Christian, they watch your behavior to be sure it lines up with what you say.  People naturally are drawn to people who are real.  Even those who claim to be atheists are drawn to Christians who try to live their faith as much as they can.  2 Corinthians 3:2-3 in the Living Bible says, “The only letter I need is you yourselves! By looking at the good change in your hearts, everyone can see that we have done a good work among you. ³They can see that you are a letter from Christ, written by us. It is not a letter written with pen and ink, but by the Spirit of the living God; not one carved on stone, but in human hearts.”

If you are like me & not overly comfortable being a witness in the way that so many churches say you should be, by talking often & openly about your faith, I want you to know today that there is nothing wrong with you by not doing it!  As long as you are living your faith to the best of your ability, God still is very pleased with you!  Just keep doing what you do, & you will be surprised at the people who are moved by your example. 

I have people who follow my work that don’t share my faith.  In fact, some have been abused by so called “religious” people who contort God’s word to make it sound like He is all for being abusive.  Logically, it seems like they would recognize my faith & run in the other direction, yet they don’t.  That isn’t because I have any special skills for winning people to Jesus.  It’s because I try to be real.  I am open about my faith & struggles, say “I don’t know” sometimes & help them recognize that their abusers misused God’s word.  Simple, yes, but also it helps those without faith to see that not all Christians are cruel & neither is God.

If you feel badly for not being a so called “good witness”, I hope today you realize that you don’t have to be able to preach like Billy Graham to help spread the message of the Gospel.  Just be true to yourself & living your faith to the best of your ability.  That is all you have to do to please God & to help people recognize the beautiful message of the Gospel of Jesus.

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Depression In Teenagers

The teen years aren’t easy for most people.  So much is changing physically & emotionally that it can be difficult to process, especially for teens since their brains aren’t fully developed yet.  The part of the brain that is responsible for rational thought, the frontal cortex, won’t be mature for a few more years.  They also lack emotional regulation skills.  Considering such things, it’s no wonder some teens can face depression.  Today I want to make you aware of some signs of depression in teenagers.

Crying is probably the first sign of depression that comes to mind in many people.  It isn’t always the case though.  Crying can be a very helpful way to release pent up emotions.  It also can be a sign of anger & frustration.  Frequent crying may be a cry for help, but not always with feelings of being depressed.  Talking about their feelings can be very helpful.  If they prefer not to, journaling can be just as helpful.  Encourage the teen in your life to write about their feelings & look over past entries often.  Doing so can give them insight into what is happening.

Crying also can be a good thing in that it can give a person insight into why they are crying.  If the teen you love is crying, gently encourage him or her to talk about it.  It could be a temporary thing such as their crush not returning their feelings, failing a test, losing a game or even just everyday stress that he or she hasn’t learned to cope with yet.  Once you learn the cause of the tears, then gently dig a bit deeper.  Did their crush not returning their feelings make them feel unlovable?  Did failing the test or losing the game make them feel like a failure?  Is stress overwhelming them?  Getting to the root cause can help them learn to cope with such feelings & gain a healthy perspective on the situation.    

Sudden outbursts of anger also can be a sign of depression.  Depression isn’t always about feeling sad.  Sometimes it is about repressed anger that was never given a healthy outlet.  This means that some depressed people may have angry outbursts.

Anxiety can manifest as tears, which means it can look like depression.  Anxiety is so stressful & exhausting, that it can be overwhelming sometimes.  Tears can be one way to cope with such feelings, especially if a person is unaware of what is happening or how to cope.

Grief also naturally can trigger depressive episodes in anyone, but can be particularly difficult for teenagers since they lack the knowledge & experience to cope with such challenging emotions.  Grief can be triggered by many things, too, not only losing a loved one.  It can be caused by a breakup with either a romantic partner or a close friendship, parents divorce, an older sibling moving out & countless other types of loss.  While grief lessens over time, there are times when it never entirely goes away. 

Experiencing trauma also can be at the root of depression.  A teen who has been abused, seen someone they love hurt or abused, been the victim of bullying, been in a car accident or a plethora of other traumatic things may be understandably depressed.

Physical problems can cause depression, because of living with pain or being embarrassed for being different.   Mental disorders can cause depression as well & many manifest in a person’s teen years.  Bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, attention deficit disorders & more all are known to begin in a person’s adolescence.  

It is important to learn what you can about what is on a teen’s mind when they are struggling with depression.  The more you learn, the more you can help them. Pray, asking God to show you how you can help & to give you the right things to say.  Always be gentle & non judgmental.  Make sure he or she knows you are safe to talk to about anything, & only want to help.  If you too have struggled with depression, be open about it.  However, avoid saying things like, “I know just how you feel.  I felt that way when something happened in my life” when they are trying to tell you something. Instead, just listen to what they have to say & answer their questions.

Depression in teens is a common problem.  Teens need all the love, support & understanding they can get at this time, as well as teaching on ways to cope.  You never know- offering such things may prevent the teen you know from thinking suicide is their only way out of the dark pit of depression.

What Biblical Submission In Marriage Really Is

Ephesians 5:22-24 instructs wives to submit to their husbands.  Frequently these verses are taken out of context, & even worse, used to manipulate women into tolerating abuse from their husband.  This is not the intended message of the Scriptures!

Ephesians 5:22 in the Amplified Bible states, “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as [a service] to the Lord”.  The original Greek word used for “subject” is “hupotasso”, which means to willingly place oneself under another’s authority.  This is not forced submission, but a voluntary act of respect & love.

Verse 23 goes on to say, “For the husband is head of the wife, as Christ is head of the church, Himself being the Savior of the body”   “Head” refers to a position of responsibility & leadership, not dominance or superiority.  Just as Christ is the head of the church & serves it, the husband is called to be the head of the household & serve it.  This means that he is to love, protect, guide, & care for the needs of his wife & family

Verse 24 then goes on to say, “But as the church to Christ, so also wives should be subject to their husbands in everything [respecting both their position as protector & their responsibility to God as head of the house]”   This comparison is significant because it emphasizes the importance of submission in Christian faith.  Just as the church submits to God out of love & reverence, wives are called to submit to their husbands out of love & respect.   However, this submission is not blind or unconditional.  Just as the church has the right to question God, wives have the right to question & challenge their husbands’ decisions if they believe they are unjust or harmful.

Many who stress the importance of wives being submissive stop at this point, but the Bible doesn’t.  Verse 25 addresses husbands.  It says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church & gave Himself up for her,”  This means husbands should prioritize their wives’ needs & well-being.  This love is not based or control, but on service & humility.

Verses 26-27 go on to say, “so that He might sanctify the church, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word [of God], ²⁷ so that [in turn] He might present the church to Himself in glorious splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy [set apart for God] and blameless.”  This shows His love is not just a feeling, but a transformative force that changes & purifies.  In the same way, husbands’ love for their wives should be transformative & purifying, helping them to grow & flourish.

Ephesians 5:30 then draws another parallel between the husband-wife relationship & the relationship between Christ & the church.  It says, “because we are members (parts) of His body.”  This emphasizes the intimate & inseparable nature of the relationship between Christ & the church.  In the same way, the husband & wife are called to be intimately connected & inseparable, as one flesh.

Interestingly, Ephesians 5:21 is also frequently neglected when people discuss the submission of wives.  It states, “being subject to one another out of reverence for Christ.”  This statement reminds us that submission is not a one-sided obligation but a mutual relationship where both parties serve each other & God.  Husbands are called to submit to their wives by loving them sacrificially, & wives are called to their husbands by respecting & supporting them. 

Lastly, Ephesians 5:11 reminds us that we shouldn’t have any part in evil deeds.  No wife should submit to an ungodly or abusive husband.

By exploring Scripture, we can see that submission is not a one-sided obligation but a mutual relationship where both parties serve each other & God.  Submission does not mean blind obedience or tolerating ungodly behavior.  Our ultimate obligation is to God, & we are called to seek Him first.

Supporting Someone Who Has Lost An Abusive Parent

Losing a parent is a truly unique & painful experience, in particular when that parent is abusive.  My husband & I lost all four of our parents in a short time – one parent a year from 2016 to 2019.  It was a very painful & confusing time for us both. 

I realized at that time, people have no real idea on how to help those whose abusive parent has died.  Thank God, I have some wonderful people who are very close to me that did know, but they were in the minority.  It seemed to me that the majority of people assumed because I was no contact at the time my parents passed away, that their deaths didn’t affect me in the slightest.  They couldn’t have been more wrong!  And sadly, I didn’t know what I needed at the time, let alone how to express those needs.  Today I want to express some common needs so that anyone who reads this can share this with their loved ones to get the help they need.  Clearly grief doesn’t have a “one size fits all” solution, but I am sharing some basic needs that I believe should be able to help most people.

To support someone who has lost an abusive parent, let that person know you are in this for the long haul.  Grief is a very messy journey full of ups & downs, lots of tears, anger & even joy.  To someone who hasn’t seen their loved one experience such emotions, it can be pretty intimidating, but if you can get past that & let your loved one know you are going to be there for them no matter what, that person is going to treasure you.

Don’t judge.  When my father died, I barely shed a tear.  When my mother died almost exactly 18 months later, I was utterly devastated.  There was also a painful feeling of relief that the abuse was finally over when they died.  When each of my parents died, I did NOT need judgment about my feelings.  I needed love, support & comforting words letting me know that my feelings were valid, even though they were vastly different with each parent.  Thank God, I have all of that in my wonderful best friend.  Everyone needs someone like this to help them survive losing their abusive parent.

Don’t try to rush grief.  Grief is unpredictable & has no time table.  Rather than trying to rush someone through their grief, encourage them to take their time & mourn however they need to.  Ecclesiastes 3:4 says there is a time to mourn, & this is so true.  While sometimes a distraction from their loss might be helpful, crying & getting their feelings out is even more helpful.

If you don’t know what to say, admit it.  Sometimes in these situations, the most helpful thing a person can hear is “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here to help if I can.”  Honesty like that goes a very long way.  And, it is so much better than saying something that while well meaning, comes across hurtful.

Check in often.  Some people tend to withdraw when going through trials.  I’m one of those people.  But, that doesn’t mean people like me don’t want to know other people care!  A quick text to say, “How are you today?” or “Thinking of you” can mean the world to someone who is grieving.  Extroverted people need these check ins so they know others care for them, too, & it may open the door for them to talk things over with you, which could help them tremendously.

Encourage them to do whatever they like that helps to process their loss.  Sometimes this may be getting angry about the terrible things their parent did to them.  Other times it may be as lovely as planting a garden in their parent’s honor.  Let your loved one do what they want to without fear of you judging or criticizing them.

Let them know it’s ok to talk negatively about their abusive parent even though he or she has died.  There is some unwritten rule out there that people aren’t supposed to speak badly of the dead.  As if dying negates all bad things they’ve done & rockets them into sainthood.  For children of abusive parents, this can be painful because they know their parent was no saint.  They have the emotional & sometimes physical scars to prove it.  If your loved one says something derogatory about their parent, let them know it’s ok to say these things.  The truth doesn’t change just because someone has died.  And, also let them know it’s perfectly OK to discuss whatever good things they want to about their abusive parents, too.  Chances are there was something good about them, & it’s good to discuss those along with the bad things.

Offer to pray for & with your loved one.  Sometimes the most comforting thing a person can do in your most painful times is pray for you.  Ask God to carrying your loved one & strengthen them during this extremely painful time along with anything else you can think of this person needs.

Treating someone in these ways definitely can help them get through the intensely painful process of losing an abusive parent while strengthening your relationship at the same time.

Being Strong

Being strong has some very dysfunctional connotations that are often admired.  Showing no emotion, not defending yourself to someone abusive & moving on quickly after losing a loved ones are some good examples I can think of that many people think are being strong but are actually very dysfunctional.  Today I thought I’d share things that are real signs of strength & are very healthy as well.

Being vulnerable enough to show & honor your emotions is truly strong.  It is incredibly hard to show vulnerabilities in a world where people can be so judgmental, critical, minimizing & invalidating.  Displaying & also honoring your emotions without apology in spite of the judgment & potential cruelty of other people takes a great deal of strength.

Refusing to tolerate things & people that cause you pain & suffering is another sign of real strength.  Doing so can cause you to lose people in your life that you thought loved & supported you, so doing it in spite of knowing that it may mean people you love will abandon you takes a lot of strength.  I’m specifically thinking of those of us who have ended relationships with our abusive parents with this one.  No matter how they may treat you, many people put all parents on a pedestal, thinking they are all wonderful & loving.  These people clearly think that means you never abandon them because they are your wonderful parents, so if you do, they will have plenty of cruel things to say to you.  Doing what you need to in order to protect yourself takes a lot of strength.

Standing up for what is right takes a great deal of strength.  Doing this means you most likely will face a lot of opposition & judgment.  Doing what is right in the face of that isn’t easy or for the faint of heart, in particular when it is something that can attract a lot of attention. 

Refusing to compromise your morals also takes a lot of strength, especially when doing so could benefit you somehow.  Society as a whole seems to think having good morals are outdated & foolish.  People should just do whatever they want without thoughts to consequences.  Not living that way takes dedication & strength.

Going against what is considered normal takes a lot of strength.  People rarely admire people that are considered abnormal in any way.  Those with a strong faith in God are mocked for being so religious.  People with children claim childless people are selfish.  People who work in the arts are told they don’t have a real job by those who work traditional 9-5 type jobs.  The list goes on & on.  Going against the norm sets you up for lots of criticism from people who lack the courage & strength to do it themselves, so it takes a lot of strength to do what works for you when it goes against the norm.

Facing the ugly truth rather than living in denial by believing comfortable lies also is a sign of great strength.  Honestly, truth isn’t always easy.  Sometimes it seems like it would be so much easier just to deny & ignore painful truth.  Taking the right path by facing truth instead of ignoring it takes a lot of strength & courage.

Being real & genuine instead of fake takes a lot of strength. Sometimes it feels like it would be easier to pretend to be whatever other people want you to be since you wouldn’t face the judgment & criticism of other people. But that is no way to live. The world is full of fake & desperately needs some authenticity. Authentic people are what makes the world a better place, not the fake ones. It takes strength to be real in a fake world.

Asking for help absolutely takes a lot of strength.  It is a very humbling experience to ask someone for help of any type, whether it is a physical need, financial or even emotional.  Asking for help knowing you may be rejected takes strength.

If you think about your life & you have done these things, then you are strong!  Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.  Be proud of yourself for your strength!

Some Signs Of A Person With Evil Intentions

Everyone is a sinner according to Romans 3:23.  In the Amplified Translation it says, “For all have sinned & continually fall short of the glory of God.” This being said though, not everyone has evil intentions.  The Bible speaks of those who find joy in doing evil & delight in the perversity of evil in Proverbs 2:14.  It is important to be aware of the signs of someone with evil intentions in order to protect yourself from potential harm.

If you know even a small amount about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, chances are you will recognize some common narcissistic behaviors in this list.

Also, this list is far from all inclusive.  It only includes a few of the most common signs.

One of the most common signs of someone with evil intentions is their false flattery.  They may say kind words & promise you good things, but don’t be fooled.  Jeremiah 12:6 warns, “For even your [tribal] brothers & the household of your father, Even they have dealt treacherously (unfaithfully) with you; Indeed they are [like a pack of hounds] howling after you. Do not believe them, although they may say kind words & promise you good things.”

A person with evil intentions will use their false flattery to manipulate & control you to further their own selfish motives.  They may make you feel special & unique, but don’t be fooled.  It is only to benefit their selfish ambitions rather than be good to you.  Romans 2:8 says, “But for those who are selfishly ambitious & self-seeking & disobedient to the truth but responsive to wickedness, [there will be] wrath & indignation.”  Always be wary of people who are always flattering you & never call you out when you do or say something wrong.

Another sign of someone with evil intentions is their need to manipulate & control people.  They may try to dictate what you do & how you do it, or constantly try to change your opinions & beliefs.  They may also try to control your emotions, making you feel guilty or ashamed for expressing how you truly feel.  They may even try to isolate you from your family & friends, so they can have complete control over you.

Another common sign of someone with evil intentions is their lack of empathy.  They may not be able to understand or relate to how you feel, or may even seem to take pleasure in your suffering.  Anyone who can see you clearly very upset over something they have done, yet show no reaction or desire to change is toxic.  People like this also may be unwilling to admit their wrongdoings, or even may try to blame you for their mistakes.

A person with evil intentions may also be very quick to anger, even over small things, & can resort to verbal or physical abuse when they don’t get their way.  They may also try to manipulate you into doing something that you don’t want to do, or may even threaten you if you don’t do what they say.

No one is perfect, & we all make mistakes.  That is a given.  However, it is important to be aware of the signs of someone with evil intentions in order to protect yourself from potential harm.  False flattery, extreme selfishness, manipulation & control, lack of empathy & exceptionally quick to anger are all common signs of someone with evil intentions, so be sure to stay aware of the behavior of the people around you.  If you ever feel like something isn’t right, don’t be afraid to speak up & seek help.

Remember, it is never too late to make a change.  God is always with you, even in the darkest of times.  With Him, nothing is impossible!

Feeling Little Or No Sympathy For Someone Who Has Abused You Or Someone You Love Is Normal

It’s normal for people to feel empathy towards someone who is suffering.  However, when someone who has hurt or abused you or someone you love, it’s just as normal to feel little or no sympathy towards them.  It can be very challenging to navigate these feelings, but it’s essential to understand that it’s a natural response.  Today, we will discuss this topic & provide tips for how to cope.

Feeling little or no sympathy towards someone who has hurt or abused you or someone you love is a natural defense mechanism that helps protect you from further emotional harm.  When you experience abuse, your brain recognizes the perpetrator as a threat, & it triggers the natural response to protect yourself.  This response can cause you to distance yourself from the abuser physically &/or emotionally, & feel little or no empathy towards them when they are struggling or suffering.

Coping with the emotions of feeling little or no sympathy towards someone who has hurt or abused you can be challenging.  It feels so foreign for the average person, because people naturally have some degree of empathy for their fellow human beings.  It’s so important & helpful to acknowledge your feelings or lack thereof & not judge yourself for having them.  Instead, remind yourself that you are ok!  Yes, your response is abnormal in most situations, but in your abnormal circumstances, it is very normal.

As a Christian, praying for your abuser can be a powerful tool for healing, but it must be approached in a healthy way.  Praying for the abuser also does not condone their behavior or mean that you have to have the goal of reconciling with them.  Instead, it helps you to release any anger or bitterness you may be holding towards them while obeying God’s command to pray for our enemies.  It’s hard to do this sometimes, I know, but it does get easier the more often you do it.  God knows this & understands.  I learned in these situations that I might as well be totally honest about it.  I have prayed for people & told God, “I don’t want to do this.  I don’t care right now about what happens to them.  But, I know You want me to pray for them, so I’m doing it.”  I figured that God knew what I was feeling, so why not just be honest about it?  Pretending I didn’t feel that way wouldn’t fool Him.  And you know what?  Not once did He judge or even criticize me.  He appreciates the effort we make to please Him, & I think even more when we do things that are very hard for us.  Also, after praying this way a few times, it got easier & my prayers finally became more sincere. 

There also have been times I simply couldn’t pray for these people, no matter how much I wanted to.  I learned in those times to ask those close to me to pray for them & for me to be able to pray for them.  In time, I was able to pray for them as well.

When someone is suffering, even when you feel nothing for them at first, sometimes it can be tempting to try to reconcile the relationship.  It’s so to remember that narcissists don’t change just because they’re suffering.  They may behave better temporarily, even after the suffering is over, but that change is almost never permanent.  Exercise wisdom & ask God for wisdom & discernment in your situation.  Only reconcile the relationship if you know beyond any shadow of a doubt that it is God’s will.  Never feel badly about distancing yourself from your abuser & protecting yourself from further harm, no matter what is happening with your abuser.

You will be wise to focus on your own healing & well-being & not let your or your loved one’s abuser’s struggles or suffering distract you from such things.  Remember that it’s normal to feel little or no sympathy towards someone who has hurt or abused you or someone you love, & there is nothing wrong with distancing yourself from them.  Feeling little or no sympathy for such a person is a normal response to an abnormal situation.  It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you or that you’re a bad person.  You are simply a normal human being.

Strange Guilt

In talking recently with a friend, we discussed my relationship with my parents.  To give a very abridged recap to those who don’t know this, I was no contact with my parents when they died.  In May, 2016, we had a huge argument which initiated no contact.  My father died in October, 2017 & at that point, I hadn’t spoken to him in about six months.  My family harassed & bullied me constantly trying to get me to say good bye to him.  I prayed a lot, & knew would have been a bad idea, so I stayed away.  I didn’t even attend his funeral.

When my mother died in April, 2019 & I hadn’t spoken to her in almost exactly three years.  Many times after my father died, I thought about reaching out to her.  Again, I knew it would have been a bad idea.  The police notified me of her death, & when I went to her home that night, I learned how bad things were for her.  The house was filthy because my mother was physically unable to clean it properly.  There was very little food in the kitchen & a good part of what was there had gone bad. 

The one plus that came out of these scenarios was I learned that prior to my parents’ deaths, they turned to God.  Part of what made them do this was me not being a part of their lives.  Learning this has been very bizarre & left me with what my friend referred to as strange guilt.  I feel guilty for not being there for them, I wish I could have helped them out as their health deteriorated.  At the same time however, I am beyond relieved that they turned to God!  Talk about conflicting feelings!  Guilt & relief all coexist on the topic of my parents.

In the years that I’ve been writing about narcissistic abuse, I have heard plenty of scenarios from other victims of narcissistic abuse who struggle with similar stories of “strange guilt.”

Going no contact is probably the most common cause of strange guilt, especially if the narcissist in question gets terribly sick or even dies after no contact.  It is only human to feel badly for your last conversation being negative in these situations.  I understand, believe me!  But even so, I want you to know that if you severed ties with a narcissist & something bad happened to them after that, it is NOT your fault!

When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, no matter who that narcissist is, it causes tremendous damage to your mental health.  They have no desire to improve their behavior so they stop hurting you.  Usually this means no contact is your only option if you want to protect your mental health.  There is nothing wrong or bad about that!  It’s your last resort, & very rarely done without a lot of thought & even soul searching before reaching that decision.

Whatever happens after going no contact is not your fault.  Narcissists love to make their victims feel responsible for anything bad that happens to them, but that doesn’t mean that is the truth.  They are responsible for their lives, not you.  Besides, the Bible says in Galatians 6:8 that a person reaps what they sow.  In other words, bad behavior reaps bad consequences & good behavior reaps good consequences.  That is how the world works, & not one person can change that.

There is also the chance that you eliminating the narcissist from your life has led or will lead to something good.  Look at the situation with my parents.  I never had a clue that no contact would be what turned them to God, but He knew that would happen, & that is why He kept me from breaking no contact even though it was very hard for me.  Something similar could happen with your situation as well, you just never know. 

Valuing Yourself In Relationships

Relationships of all types, romantic, friendships & familial, are an essential part of life, & it’s crucial to nurture them with love, respect, & understanding.  However, sometimes, we tend to compromise our self-worth in relationships, which can lead to mistreatment & abuse.  Today, I hope to shed some light on the importance of valuing yourself in relationships.

Many people believe that valuing oneself in a relationship is selfish or narcissistic.  However, it’s essential to understand that it’s not about putting oneself above others; it’s about recognizing one’s worth & treating oneself with love & respect.  When you value yourself, you can set healthy boundaries that communicate your needs & expectations, which creates a balanced, healthy relationship.

One of the most significant benefits of valuing yourself in relationships is recognizing your worth.  When you value yourself, you understand that you deserve to be treated with love, respect, & care.  This awareness makes it easier for you to identify when your partner is mistreating or disrespecting you.  Many people find themselves in abusive relationships because they don’t recognize their worth.  They tolerate abuse because they think that it’s what they deserve. However, when you value yourself, you understand that you deserve better & won’t tolerate such mistreatment.

A crucial aspect of valuing yourself in relationships is the ability to communicate your needs.  When you value yourself, you understand your needs & expectations from your partner. This awareness makes it easier for you to communicate your needs respectfully.  When you value yourself, you understand that your needs are essential, you have the right to communicate them & you can communicate them respectfully without feeling guilty or ashamed.

Valuing yourself in relationships also means setting healthy boundaries.  Boundaries are essential in relationships because they help define the limits of what is acceptable & what is not.  They also help create a respectful & loving relationship.  When you value yourself, you understand your limits & what you will & won’t tolerate from your partner.  You can set boundaries without feeling guilty or ashamed.

Valuing yourself in relationships also helps you avoid abusive, manipulative, or unhealthy relationships.  When you value yourself, you understand that you deserve a healthy & loving relationship.  You won’t tolerate any unhealthy behavior from your partner, & you will walk away from toxic relationships.

Valuing yourself in relationships also can help you build self-confidence.  When you value yourself, you understand your worth, & you treat yourself with love & respect.  Self-confidence is essential in creating a happy & healthy life.  It can help you achieve your goals & dreams & can help you build healthy relationships.  

Valuing yourself in relationships can also help you avoid expecting your partner to make you happy.  That expectation creates an unhealthy & unbalanced relationship.  When you value yourself, you understand that you don’t need a partner to feel happy & fulfilled.

Valuing yourself in relationships is essential in creating happy & healthy relationships.  It doesn’t mean that you’re selfish or narcissistic; it means that you understand your worth & treat yourself with love & respect.  So, take some time to reflect on your self-worth & how you can value yourself in your relationships.  Remember that you deserve to be treated with love, respect, & care, & don’t settle for anything less.

The Importance Of Valuing Your Spouse

Recently, I came across a video that spoke about how some men are afraid of their wives learning to value themselves & leaving them.  To prevent this from happening, they tear these women down by criticizing them so they will think that they can’t do any better & stay with them.  I believe this is a common behavior & that men haven’t cornered the market on it – women do this too.  Today, we will talk about how to avoid such behaviors & how to value your spouse.

Tearing someone down is never a solution to any problem.  Criticizing your spouse only hurts their self-esteem & damages your relationship.  The root of such behavior is often insecurity.  When you are insecure, you tend to feel threatened by your spouse’s success or growth, which can lead to controlling, manipulative, & abusive behavior.  Therefore, it is essential to recognize the signs of such behavior & acknowledge that your spouse’s success or growth does not diminish your worth or value in any way.  Instead, it is an opportunity to support & encourage them to become the best version of themselves.

The first step towards having a healthy, happy relationship is to take a step back & reflect on your behavior.  Ask yourself why you feel the need to tear your spouse down.  Once you identify the root cause, it’s time to work on yourself.

Prayer is powerful.  God will help you overcome the problem.  He will provide you with the strength & wisdom to recognize your weaknesses & improve them.  He also will help you communicate with your spouse in a healthy & respectful manner & build a healthier relationship.

Reflecting on your behavior also can help you identify areas where you need to improve.  It can help you become more aware of your actions & how they affect your spouse, which can help you become more empathetic & compassionate towards your spouse’s feelings & needs.

If you find yourself being judgmental or critical of your spouse out of fear of losing them, try wooing them instead.  Wooing your spouse means making them feel cherished, loved, & desired.  It also means prioritizing them over anyone else in your life.  You can do this by expressing your love & appreciation for them, listening to them, supporting their goals & dreams, & being there for them when they need you.  You can also surprise them with small gestures of kindness, like preparing their favorite meal or buying them a thoughtful gift to show them that you are thinking about them.  These things help build trust, intimacy, & a stronger emotional connection, while making your spouse feel valued & appreciated.

Accept your spouse.  In other words, don’t try to change them or mold them into the person you want them to be.  Instead, embrace their uniqueness & support them in their growth & development.  Acceptance helps build trust, respect, & a stronger emotional connection.  

Offer grace to your spouse.  Offering grace means being patient, kind, & understanding towards your spouse.  It means recognizing that they are human & that they need your support & encouragement to become the best version of themselves.

Valuing your spouse is essential for building a healthy, respectful, & fulfilling partnership.  

Don’t Let Anyone Shame You For Expressing Your Feelings

Does someone you know make you feel ashamed for expressing how you feel?  Have people told you that you are trying to start trouble, being “too much” or “over the top”, oversensitive or overreacting?  This is a form of gaslighting that is designed to make you feel wrong for complaining about the abuse.  The truth is, you have the right to express your feelings, & no one should make you feel ashamed for doing so.

Narcissists often use shame to control their victims.  One way they do this is by making their victims feel wrong for complaining about the abuse.  They do this to make sure that their victims don’t speak up again.  This type of behavior is a way for narcissists to control their victims, & ensure they can continue to do as they please without any repercussions.

It is important to note that narcissists are not the only ones who use this tactic.  People who are dysfunctional & don’t want to change also use it as a way to remain in their dysfunction.  If they can make someone feel wrong & ashamed for expressing their feelings, chances are that person won’t speak up again if the dysfunctional person repeats that behavior or does something else hurtful.  This means that the dysfunctional person won’t have to face their own bad behavior or make any changes.

No matter who treats you this way & their reasoning behind it, remember that you have the right to express your feelings.  Your feelings are valid, & no one should make you feel ashamed for expressing them, especially if someone has treated you badly.  

The best way to protect yourself when faced with this sort of toxic behavior in your average dysfunctional person is to stand your ground, & not let them make you feel ashamed of your feelings.  Speak up & refuse to be silenced.  Your feelings are valid, & you should never let anyone make you feel wrong for expressing them.

When faced with a narcissist, speaking up & talking things out reasonably almost never works.  In those cases, you need to exercise wisdom & lean on God to show you how you can best handle the situation.  Be forewarned, sometimes He may guide you into doing something difficult that you would rather not do.  Sometimes, the best thing you can do is to stay quiet & remind yourself what the narcissist is doing to you so you don’t believe their lies.  Other times, He may guide you to let it all out.  Since narcissists often use emotional outbursts against their victims, that is rarely wise, but I have experienced some times when God has told me that the other person needed to see me behave that way because of something they have done.  If God truly guides you to do that, you can trust it is for very valid reasons, even if you don’t know just what they are.

It is never okay for someone to make you feel wrong for expressing your feelings. You have the right to speak up & express how you feel.  If someone is trying to shame you, it is likely because they don’t want to face their own behavior or they want to abuse you.  Remember that you are not alone, & there is support available if you need it.  You have people who love you & will support you.  There are plenty of online forums out there available, too.  My Facebook group is a safe place for people from all walks of life to find comfort & support.  Feel fee to check it out.

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Some Common Signs Of Disrespect In Families

Most people have had to deal with disrespect in our families at some point.  Whether it’s gossiping & sharing private information, a fear of saying no, belittling & criticizing, blaming others for our problems, ridiculing someone for making a mistake, taking advantage of others, clique-like behavior where some are excluded, or giving the silent treatment, disrespect in families obviously can take many forms. It’s not only emotionally damaging to the victims of this abuse, but it can also have long-term effects that may not be immediately apparent.

Today, we’ll explore the various types of disrespect in families & how to handle them.

Note that these behaviors can be signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but even people without the disorder can behave in these ways sometimes.  If you’re unsure if your relatives are narcissists, how you deal with their disrespect will show you.  Narcissists get angry or act like a victim when confronted on their bad behavior.  Healthy people offer genuine apologies & change their behavior.

One of the most common forms of disrespect in families is when one member is too afraid to say no to the requests of another.  This fear of saying no can be rooted in fear of punishment or fear of being rejected, but it can also be a sign of a lack of respect for the person’s autonomy.

Making unreasonable demands is another hallmark of disrespect in families.  When people like this are told no, they become angry, accusatory or use guilt in an attempt to manipulate the other person into doing their will.  The demanding person clearly shows they don’t respect their family member’s time or their other relationships when they behave in this way.

Disrespectful relatives also will take advantage of each other at any opportunity. Not only with unreasonable demands, but with anything. Worse yet is when many do this, they act like they are being good to their relative.

Another common form of disrespect in families is belittling & criticizing.  This can be anything from making snide comments about someone’s appearance or abilities to outright insults.  This type of behavior is often rooted in a lack of self-esteem, but it can also be a sign of a lack of respect for the other person or even narcissism.

Blaming others for their problems is yet another common form of disrespect in families.  This can be anything from blaming someone for not doing something right to blaming them for something they had no control over.  This type of behavior is often rooted in a lack of accountability & is an obvious sign of a lack of respect for the other person.

Ridiculing someone for making a mistake is another form of disrespect in families. This type of behavior is often rooted in a desire to be seen as superior or to put someone else down in order to make one’s self feel better.  It’s a sign of a lack of respect for the other person & can be damaging to their self-esteem.

If you are the victim of disrespect in your family, it is important to know that there are steps that you can take to address the situation. Here are some tips for dealing with disrespect in families:

• Pray.  Ask God to give you insight into your situation, wisdom on ways to cope & strength & courage to do whatever you need to do.
• Take Care Of Yourself: Before confronting the situation, take care of yourself by finding healthy ways to cope with the situation.  This may include talking to a trusted friend or counselor, practicing self-care activities, or engaging in activities that nurture your mental & physical health.
• Set Boundaries: It is important to set boundaries & make clear what kind of behavior is & is not acceptable.  Communicate these boundaries to those involved & make sure that they are respected.  If they aren’t respected, be prepared to give consequences, such as creating some distance between you & the other person.
• Focus On Solutions: Work together as a family to come up with strategies for addressing the situation & for improving communication & relationships within the family.  If your relative in question is a narcissist, clearly this won’t work since they don’t want solutions.  In that case, focus on finding ways to protect yourself from this toxic individual.

Dealing with disrespect in families can be a difficult & traumatic experience, but it can be done.  You can handle this situation!

The Unfortunate Reality Of Trying To Please Narcissistic Parents

Children of narcissistic parents often struggle to please their parents & make them think they are good, & not the terrible person their parents say they are.  Sadly, no one ever can be good enough for their narcissistic parents.  Eventually, they realize this, & a desperate attempt to gain the approval of their parents can manifest in self-sabotaging behaviors.

One way they try to obtain their parents’ approval is by trying activities they are not qualified for, such as taking on high-level jobs or starting businesses they don’t have the skills to manage.  This can lead to failure, which they may use as evidence to prove their parents’ belief that they are inadequate.

In an effort to gain their parents’ approval, children of narcissistic parents may marry people they are not compatible with, but their parents like.  They may think that by marrying someone their parents like, they will be able to gain their parent’s approval, even if the relationship is not a healthy one.  They prioritize their parents’ approval over their own happiness.

Another way they attempt to gain their parents’ approval is when children of narcissistic parents get into a lot of debt & then rely on their parents to help them pay it off.  This can be a way for them to prove their parents right by showing that they are unable to manage their finances & need their parents’ help.

In order to stop this destructive cycle, it’s vitally important to recognize that you deserve better than this.  You are a child of God!  Galatians 3:26 in the Amplified Bible says, “For you [who are born-again have been reborn from above—spiritually transformed, renewed, sanctified and] are all children of God [set apart for His purpose with full rights & privileges] through faith in Christ Jesus.”  God is the only parent whose approval you should seek!  Seek Him & nurture that relationship.  He will give you that love & approval you want & more.

It’s also very important to focus on building self-esteem.  Study what the Bible says about you.  God has very definite & wonderful opinions of His children, & learning those things will help build your self-esteem.

It also will help you to learn how to have realistic expectations of not only yourself but your parents as well.  If you view yourself & them realistically, you won’t be disappointed when you make mistakes or hurt when they’re so critical because you know that is just what they do.

And, while the Bible says we are to honor our parents, that doesn’t mean we are to allow them to determine how we feel about ourselves.  Your self worth doesn’t need to depend on how they see you.  It needs to come from learning what God says about you & from within.  Honoring them also doesn’t mean that you have to tolerate anything they say or do to you, no matter how cruel.  You can have healthy boundaries & honor your parents, although I’m sure narcissistic parents will disagree with that statement.  I wrote a small book on the topic called “How To Honor Abusive Parents”, & it’s available on my website at www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com or at this link.

Learn to release the hope of ever gaining your narcissistic parents’ approval.  Also get to know God as your Father, learn to love & accept yourself & have realistic expectations of your parents.  You will be much happier for it!

Betrayal Is More Than Infidelity

Betrayal is an extremely painful & confusing experience.  The worst part is that it doesn’t come from strangers or acquaintances.  It comes from those closest to you.

Betrayal takes many forms.  Betrayal can mean being unfaithful to your partner or course, but it also can mean lying, hiding information that you need to know, prioritizing someone else over you when it should be the other way around or using or taking advantage of you.  It even can mean defending someone who has wronged you instead of supporting you.  Betrayal is incredibly painful,& no matter what form it takes, it can leave you feeling hurt & confused. That being said, you can heal from the pain of betrayal.

The most important step in healing from betrayal is to seek help from God.  When it comes to betrayal, it can be easy to feel like no one can understand what you are going through.  It is important to remember that God knows & understands every emotion that you are feeling.  He will not judge you for feeling hurt & betrayed, & He will be there to listen & provide comfort when you need it.  You can talk to God about your feelings, & He will provide you with the strength to cope with the betrayal.

It can also help to read God’s Word to receive comfort & guidance. His Word is full of stories of people who have gone through betrayal & have been able to find strength & solace in God. Reading these stories can help you to feel less alone & to understand that God is with you on this journey.

God is the ultimate healer & comforter, & He will be glad to help you to find the strength & courage to heal & to move forward.  Pray & ask God to help you to forgive, to heal, & to find the peace & strength you need to move on when necessary.

When you’ve been betrayed, it’s important to take the time to recognize & process your emotions.  It can be tempting to ignore your feelings or try to rush through them, but that is counter-productive.  Instead, allow yourself to really sit with your emotions, whatever they may be.  Don’t judge or criticize how you feel.  Just accept how you’re feeling & give yourself whatever time you need to fully process your emotions.  If you need to, write about your feelings in a journal, or talk to a trusted friend.

When it comes to processing your emotions, it also can be helpful to remember that it’s ok to be angry.  Anger is a valid emotion & it’s ok to express it in a healthy way.  It’s also ok to cry.  Crying can help to release some of the built-up emotion & tension, & is incredibly healing.

Another important step in healing from betrayal is to re-evaluate the relationship with the person who has betrayed you.  If someone has betrayed you, & then repeated that behavior even after knowing that it has hurt you or betrayed you in a different way, then it’s time to re-evaluate that relationship.  This can be hard, especially if it’s a close family member or friend, but it’s important to remember that your own wellbeing should always come first.  Always remember – someone who knowingly hurts you, especially repeatedly, doesn’t deserve your love & loyalty.

No matter what form betrayal has taken, it can be incredibly painful & confusing. But, with God’s help & by taking the time to recognize & process your emotions, you can heal & move forward.

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Some People Who Want To Help Others May Appear Kind But Their Motives Are Purely Selfish

It’s not uncommon for people to want to help others, whether it’s lending a hand or a shoulder to cry on.  Unfortunately, some individuals take on this role for purely selfish reasons, & covert narcissists are people who do exactly that.  

Covert narcissists often behave in this way.  They act like they are doing something to help other people, but in reality, they are only doing what they are doing as a way to benefit themselves.  They often easily manipulate or control their victims by appearing meek & helpful when the truth is that they are anything but.  Today, we will discuss this particular behavior of the covert narcissist & how to recognize them.

Covert narcissists often try to help people for all the wrong reasons.  They want to make themselves look good or feel better about themselves by helping others.  It’s important to recognize the subtle signs of covert narcissists so you can protect yourself from their toxic behavior.

Some of the most common signs of a covert narcissist include but are not limited to always talking about themselves in a humble way, a complete lack of genuine empathy, being very self centered, expecting others to be grateful for their help even when it isn’t truly helpful or needed, subtly manipulating conversations such as frequently interrupting, & always trying to be the hero.  

I’ve been around quite a few covert narcissists in my life.  My ex husband & my late mother in-law were covert narcissists, as was my father.  One thing they all had in common was saying that they wanted to help me, but their motives were anything less than unselfish.  They wanted to be the hero in an attempt to make me dependent on them.  My father in particular always wanted to be the one to fix things for me, & he clearly didn’t care if I could solve the problem or not.

It was difficult to recognize this behavior at the time, but looking back, I can see how manipulative this behavior was.  My father & ex often tried to control the situation & make me reliant on them.  Their actions were clearly selfish, & they didn’t care about helping me, but only about how it would make them look or feel about themselves.

It’s important to recognize these signs of a covert narcissist & protect yourself from their manipulation.  If you suspect that someone is a covert narcissist, be wary of their intentions when they try to help you, & don’t let them control the situation by “rescuing” you.  If you recognize that they constantly are trying to help you when it is unnecessary & unasked for, thank them for their effort, remind them that you can handle the situation, & don’t allow them to participate in solving your problem.  Any small access they have to your situation, they will use to their advantage, & they will use it to hurt or control you.  They probably will be offended that you don’t want their help, but it is better than allowing such toxic people into your personal life where they can hurt & control you.

Covert narcissists are cruel, heartless people who try to appear as good, caring people by helping others.  They will manipulate or control their victims at any opportunity, & don’t truly care about helping them.  It’s important to recognize the signs of covert narcissists & protect yourself from their toxic behavior.  It’s also important to recognize that not everyone who helps others is a covert narcissist, & to be open to genuine acts of kindness.

If you’re a victim of narcissistic abuse, remember that you are not alone.  Reach out to supportive people in your life, such as family or friends.  I also have a group on Facebook full of supportive, kind, caring people who have experienced all matters of narcissistic abuse.  It’s a safe place to communicate with others who have experienced similar situations to yours.  Feel free to connect with it if you like!

How To Identify Fake Apologies And Genuine Apologies

Have you ever been on the receiving end of an apology that felt insincere & fell flat?  It might have been someone repeating the words “I’m sorry,” but with an entirely different intention.  Fake apologies are unfortunately all too common, especially with narcissists & they can leave the recipient feeling more hurt & confused than before. It’s important to be able to recognize the difference between genuine & fake apologies in order to protect yourself from this manipulative behavior.

A genuine apology is one that conveys a sense of remorse, understanding, & an intention to make things better in the future.  It is a sincere attempt to make amends for the hurt that has been caused.  The words may be something like, “I’m sorry for what I said & I know it was wrong.  I’ll try to do better in the future.”  The person apologizing is clearly taking responsibility for their actions, & is expressing a willingness to change their behavior.

A fake apology, on the other hand, is one that is not genuine.  It is an attempt to make the other person feel better without the person apologizing actually taking responsibility for the hurt that they caused.  Fake apologies often include excuses or phrases such as, “if I hurt you” or “If I said or did something that hurt you,” instead of, “I hurt you” or “I know what I said or did hurt you.”  They may also include phrases such as “I’m sorry you feel that way” instead of “I’m sorry I said that.”  Fake apologies are simply an attempt to avoid taking responsibility or making changes in their behavior.  They can leave the victim feeling even more hurt by the apology than by the behavior the person did in the first place that warranted the apology.

People who give fake apologies are often trying to manipulate the situation in order to get what they want or to avoid any consequences for their actions.  Fake apologies are a way for people to re-wind the situation & shift the focus away from their own behavior.

Fake apologies can also be a way for people to alleviate their own guilt.  By giving a fake apology, they can appear to be taking responsibility for their actions without actually having to do anything to make things better or change their behavior.  It can be a way to appease their conscience without actually having to do any work.

There are some signs to be aware of regarding fake apologies.  Fake apologies don’t include a genuine expression of remorse.  The person apologizing doesn’t appear to feel any guilt or shame.  Also, as mentioned earlier, they often include phrases such as, “I’m sorry if I hurt you” or “I’m sorry you feel that way” rather than, “I’m sorry I hurt you.”  They may also include excuses or attempts to shift the blame onto the person who expects the apology as a way to deflect the conversation off the original topic.

Fake apologies also don’t show a genuine desire to do better in the future.  The person’s behavior doesn’t change.  They may do the same thing again even after their so called apology.  Or, if the behavior is mentioned again, they say things like, “I said I was sorry!  What else do you want?”, “I won’t keep apologizing for this!” or, “I can’t help it!  This is just how I am!”

It can be difficult at first to tell the difference between genuine & fake apologies, but it’s important to be able to recognize the signs so that you can protect yourself from manipulation.  Pay attention to the person’s words & behavior after the apology to determine whether or not it’s genuine. 

A Message For The Ladies

In the time that Jesus lived on the Earth, women were not exactly respected.  They weren’t allowed to participate in the activities of holy days, to talk to men outside of their home, to learn many basic things such as to read or even receive an inheritance.  Although things aren’t perfect today, women have it much better than they did in Jesus’ time.  In that era, women were supposed to be seen & not heard.

Thankfully, Jesus began to change this!  I find it so strange how many people think Christianity is oppressive to women, because the Bible is full of stories of how Jesus loved & taught everyone, not only men.  Women were among His closest companions.  Luke 8 tells of some of them.  Luke 8:2 mentions Mary Magdalene.  Jesus cast seven demons out of her & she devotedly followed him after that.  She was in fact at his trial & crucifixion.  Luke 8:3 mentions Joanna & Susanna along with many others whose names weren’t mentioned specifically.

There was also the prostitute who washed Jesus’ feet with her tears during a dinner at the house of a Pharisee.  Her story is told in Luke 7:36-50.

Another Mary is mentioned too.  She was the mother of one of the disciples of Jesus, James. 

John 4:7-30 tells the story of Jesus talking to a very sinful Samaritan woman.  At the time, most people wouldn’t have spoken with her, but Jesus did & talked to her with kindness, respect & love. 

We also can’t forget the woman caught in the act of adultery.  Her story is told in John 8.  The scribes & Pharisees demanded she be punished to the fullest extent of the law, yet interestingly, not one of them mentioned punishing the man she was with.  He reminded them that they weren’t perfect either.  Then He forgave her sin & told her not to sin again.  He showed her great mercy when many others would have stoned her to death.

Of course, we can’t forget Mary, the mother of Jesus!  She was with Him every possible moment of His time here on Earth.

Jesus loved these women dearly, & always treated them with love & respect.  He acknowledged their sins, but didn’t treat them as if that was what defined them.  He never talked down to them or treated them as society did, as if they were inferior.  He talked to them about anything & everything that interested them or that they needed to hear.  He praised their good deeds, such as the poor widow who gave a tiny amount in an offering because she gave all that she had.  

One of the best parts of how Jesus was with women is that He transformed their lives.  Rather than remaining seen & not heard, they ended up living lives of influence.  They made changes in the world around them.  That would have been impossible without Jesus!

Ladies, I want to encourage you today to be confident in yourself.  You are loved so much more than you know by God!  He supports you & wants only the best for you.  If you aren’t sure what His purpose for you is, start asking Him to show you.  Pay attention to the yearnings in your heart.  Start trying some things.  You’ll find out pretty quickly what you can & can’t do, what you love to do & what you don’t.  It may take a little time, but don’t be discouraged.  God has created you with a purpose & with the ability to fulfill that purpose!

Making A Difference With Your Faith In God

In a world that is filled with so much hurt & pain, it is easy to get lost & feel like our faith doesn’t matter.  We can get bogged down by the heaviness of the world & feel like our small act of faith can’t make a difference.  The truth is that faith absolutely makes a difference!

The reality is that God is the only thing that can turn the world upside down. But, when we have faith in God, we are able to see the world through His eyes & make a difference in the world with the gifts & talents that He has given us.  That’s why it’s important not to give up, & to keep your faith strong.

Faith is having complete trust & confidence in God.  It believes in the unseen.  It is the complete surrender of our doubt & fear to God.  It is trusting that God will never leave us or forsake us, no matter what we may be going through.  Faith is trusting in God, knowing that He will work out the details of our lives & is always in control.  It is also the courage to take action despite uncertainty. It is having trust that God’s plan is greater than our own.  It means that He will be our strength when we are weak.  

Faith can give us strength, courage & hope in the midst of difficult & uncertain times. It can help to bring about peace, joy & transformation in every aspect of our lives.

It takes faith to look at the world & see it differently than others.  Faith wants to make a difference, believes that we can & trusts that God will give us the strength & ability to do so.  With faith, we can believe that the world can be different & that we have the power to make a change.

Faith can lead us to action & open us up to new possibilities.  Faith can move mountains, change the course of history & bring about a wave of transformation in the world.  It is a force that cannot be stopped & will always prevail in the end.  Faith is a powerful tool that can be used for good & when we have faith in the unseen, amazing & wonderful things can happen.

Faith has the power to bring about real & lasting change in the world.  When we have faith & believe that better things are possible, God empowers us to take action & create a more loving & just world.  

Faith can lead us to open our hearts & minds to connecting with those around us in deeper ways, & even those we have never met.  It can encourage us to reach out to the vulnerable & marginalized. Faith can heal broken hearts & bring joy & peace to the world. 

It takes faith to see the world differently, to believe that better things are possible, & to take action when we don’t know the result.  Faith can give us the strength to keep going even when the odds seem insurmountable. It can empower us to make a difference in the world by our actions & to see the beauty in life.

Having faith can be hard & can often put us out of our comfort zone, but it is absolutely worth it!  Faith can give us courage & strength to make a difference, to look at the world with eyes filled with hope & love, & to help create a better, more just world.  During the hard times remember that all it takes is a tiny amount of faith to make a difference, so if all you have at the moment is a tiny amount, that is enough!  Matthew 17:20 says, “He answered, “Because of your little faith [your lack of trust and confidence in the power of God]; for I assure you and most solemnly say to you, if you have [living] faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and [if it is God’s will] it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you.”

Forgiveness Doesn’t Mean You’re OK With Resuming A Toxic Relationship

Back in 2016, I had a very interesting dream not long after my husband’s mother died. In it, she & I were together, & she tearfully apologized for how badly she had treated me. In the dream, I reacted much as I would if this happened in real life. I said thank you, I appreciate that, but please leave me alone. At that point, she left me alone & I woke up.

Many people would think this is proof I haven’t forgiven her for the abuse & the many problems she caused in my marriage. After all, there wasn’t any sort of affection coming from me. I didn’t hug her & say all is fine now. I was cold & wanted her to leave me alone, just like how I would have behaved if this had happened in my life instead of only in a dream. The truth is that forgiveness isn’t always about forgiving & forgetting, which is what God showed me in this dream. He showed me that forgiving someone doesn’t necessarily mean you are OK with resuming a relationship with that person.

Forgiveness has many facets. You can forgive that person who hurt you accidentally somehow because you know they honestly had no ill intentions towards you. They were truly ignorant of the problems their actions would cause. You also can forgive someone when their actions, although well intentioned, caused you problems that no one could foresee. You also can forgive someone their debt that they can’t repay you. In these instances, if the offending people are apologetic & change their behavior, the relationship can continue as normal. I firmly believe that most people think all forgiveness should be this way, but that is highly unrealistic. Sometimes, in spite of forgiving someone, you need to make changes in the relationship or even end it.

Let’s say a person owed you money then you forgave their debt continually kept trying to borrow more money from you. It would be foolish of you to lend them money & forgive their debt repeatedly, wouldn’t it? The same goes for someone who hurt you, then repeated that behavior even knowing how much it hurt you. It would be foolish to continue to allow this person to hurt you over & over again. You may continue the relationship with people like this, but your boundaries should be much stricter than they had been. Or, you may opt to end the relationship. Either way, your behavior would be reasonable under the circumstances. Also, either way, your behavior isn’t proof that you harbor unforgiveness.

When someone has hurt, used or abused you repeatedly, it is possible to forgive them while not being ready to continue the relationship as it was. Or, if you ended the relationship, it’s possible to forgive them while not being willing to resume a relationship.

I believe that forgiving someone means that you harbor no ill will towards them. You don’t wish the worst on them. You also release them from any expectations of trying to make it up to you for what they have done. If they do, great! If not, that is fine too, but it does mean you need to adjust your behavior in ways that protect you from their bad behavior.

If you have changed or ended a relationship with someone who repeatedly hurts you, please don’t let anyone tell you that you haven’t forgiven them or you should “forgive & forget.” Never forget, there is nothing bad in or wrong with setting boundaries or ending toxic relationships.