Category Archives: Christian Topics and Prayers

All things Christian. Prayer requests are welcome.

When Tough Times Happen

Sometimes life is so hard.  It seems like things go wrong constantly & you are stressed, hurt or frustrated.  In those times, God seems far away.  Not only because of the problems you’re going through but also because it can be so easy to get caught up in them & forget to keep God first.  It is in those times that we need to stop behaving like the person Jesus described in Matthew 13:22 in the parable of the seeds sown in various types of soil.  That person is the one who is distracted from his relationship with God by the things of the world like personal problems.  Unfortunately no one is immune to behaving this way sometimes.

When you’re distracted by problems, it is vital to turn back to God as soon as you recognize what you are doing.  He deserves first place in your life after all!  Doing so also will help strengthen you & help you to figure out ways to handle your situation.  It may teach you some other things as well. God truly wants the best for His children, so He often uses circumstances to protect, teach & guide us.  Following are some examples of when He does these things.

Anything that isn’t Biblical, God will close the door to.  If you have to lie to get a new job for example, God will close that door so you don’t get the job or allow you to get it but you will be miserable with it.  It can be difficult & even painful in the moment, but truly it’s for the best!  You have learned not to behave that way, & He has something much better planned for you.  Seriously consider your situation.  If there is anything about it that goes contrary to God’s word, chances are it’s going wrong because God is trying to close that door to keep you away from that bad thing.

Sometimes God closes the door on relationships too.  Some people may look good on the surface, they may even be very good people, but they aren’t good for you.  God knows better than you what is in their hearts, so trust Him to lead you to people that are good for you.  It never hurts to ask God to give you good, healthy & Bible believing friends in your life.  If you’re looking for a romantic partner, this is an especially good prayer to pray.  Being a believer married to an unbeliever is not a good place to be!

Sometimes God uses difficult circumstances to teach us things.  We learn forgiveness when we are wronged by other people.  When we go through hard times, we learn mercy for others who go through similar hard times.  When someone tells us what we did hurt them, we learn humility.  None of these situations are fun at the time, but they do help us to learn some pretty valuable things.

There are also times God uses difficult circumstances to punish us.  Hebrews 12:6-7 in the Amplified Bible says, “For the Lord disciplines and corrects those whom He loves, And He punishes every son whom He receives and welcomes [to His heart].”  7You must submit to [correction for the purpose of] discipline; God is dealing with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline?”  Obviously those times aren’t exactly pleasant, but they can be beneficial.  For example, your spouse tells you that they are upset about how disrespectfully your family treats them, but in spite of seeing evidence your spouse is correct, you ignore your family’s behavior or worse yet, make excuses for it.  Then you get a new coworker.  This person is very disrespectful to you.  They push you aside so they can deal with customers instead, or talk badly about you to other coworkers maybe even your boss.  You go to your boss with your concerns.  The boss tells you he doesn’t see this behavior as a problem or you have to let this go because this person has some sort of personal problems.  The way you feel in that situation mirrors much how your spouse feels.  God still loves you, but He is punishing you for treating your spouse badly.  Also, He uses this as a good learning experience.  Now that you know how your spouse feels, you are going to be more sensitive the next time they come to you with a complaint about your family’s disrespectful behavior.

The next time you are in a situation that is challenging or painful, I want to encourage you to try your best not to be so distracted by it that you ignore God.  Instead, turn to Him.  Ask what is going on, what is He trying to tell you & to help you get through it.  He absolutely will do answer your prayers!

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Why Narcissists Feel They Must Know All About Their Victims After The Relationship Is Over

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Sincere vs Insincere Apologies

Many people who apologize are truly sincere.  They realize whatever they did was bad, & they want to make it up to those they have hurt.  These people aren’t always the same ones who say the words, “I’m sorry” though.  Sometimes people who apologize are insincere or have motives that are less than genuine.  I plan to explain how to spot the differences in this discussion.

Someone who is genuinely sorry for their actions addresses the person they hurt humbly, asking for forgiveness.  Even if they don’t say the words, “please forgive me”, their meek & remorseful behavior says it.  Someone who isn’t truly sorry won’t ask for forgiveness & will be irritated when expected to show some sort of remorse for their actions.

Genuine apologies don’t come with words like, “but” or, “if.”  Those words are followed by excuses & denial.  Those are called non-apologies.  Some examples are, “I’m sorry if you think I did something that hurt you.”  “I’m sorry I did that, but I wouldn’t have done it if you wouldn’t have done what you did first.”  Non-apologies are said usually to pacify the person offended while the offender takes no responsibility for their behavior, & are nothing like a sincere apology.

A person who is genuinely interested in apologizing also admits their behavior & that it was wrong.  They don’t gloss over it with phrases like, “I messed up,” or, “we both know what I did.  I shouldn’t have to say it again.”  Admitting bad behavior is embarrassing, possibly even humiliating, but it shows the willingness to do whatever it takes to make it up to the person who was wronged.  Someone who isn’t truly sorry for what they did won’t do whatever it takes to make it up to the victim, & that includes humbling themselves in this way.

Acknowledging the hurt caused is another hallmark of a genuine apology.  A sincere person will recognize the pain & suffering their behavior has caused another person.  The person who has done wrong won’t try to minimize or invalidate the pain.  They will say, “I know I hurt you when I did what I did, & I am so sorry for that.”  A person who offers a non-apology downplays their behavior & the effect it has on the person they have wronged.

Wronging someone has consequences, & someone who is genuinely remorseful for their behavior is willing to accept them as a natural course of events no matter how uncomfortable it is for them.  They understand that Galatians 6:7 is true, & people reap what they sow, good or bad.  Those who are insincere to avoid them.  They may demand their spouse trust them again immediately after they were caught being unfaithful, for example.

A person offering a sincere apology will be willing to do whatever it takes to make things right with the person they have hurt.  If that means apologizing every day for the rest of their life, they will do it.  The insincere have no interest in this.  They may try briefly & half heartedly to make things right, but it doesn’t last long. 

And lastly, the sincere person knows that some things take time.  They don’t try to force the person they wronged to forgive them quickly.  They give the person the time & space they need to work through things, while staying close enough that they are able to do whatever is required of them at a moment’s notice.  An insincere person is nothing like this.  They want the person they wronged to forgive & forget quickly, & if that person doesn’t, they can be downright shaming.  They often accuse the wronged person of being unforgiving, heartless, petty, overreacting, over sensitive, & even ungodly.

I hope this insight helps you to identify easily when someone is being sincere or insincere in their apology to you. 

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Biggest Sale EVER On My Print Books! 30% Off!

My publisher is offering 30% off all of my print books until Tuesday November 29, 2022. Simply use code JOYFUL30 at checkout.

My books can be found at this link:

https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

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A Way Dysfunctional Families Try To Keep Everyone Close

Most everyone has had a few moments of feeling paranoid, feeling like other people are out to get them.  Sadly, there are those who feel this way due to mental illness.  Schizophrenia is known to make people feel this way, for example.  Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can do it as well.  Some folks, however, behave in this manner while having no mental illness. 

Consider cases of couples with a child who are getting divorced.  One parent tells the child the other parent is terrible, doesn’t love them & other awful things.  This parent is vilifying the other to turn the child against him or her, which also naturally draws the child closer to the accusatory parent.  This also sets the child up to have what is known as persecutory delusions.

Another common scenario where persecutory delusions happen involves narcissistic families.  They often want their children to stay close to them forever.  One of the ways they try to accomplish this is by using persecutory delusions.  They tell each other that other people are bad, don’t really care about them, no one loves you like family & other untrue things.  This doesn’t stop in adulthood.  When children of narcissistic families marry, often their parents & siblings have no problem showing their disapproval of their new in-law.  They not only treat this person terribly, they let their feelings be known to their adult child.  These narcissists either insinuate or say clearly that this person isn’t good enough to be in their family.  They find ways to convince the adult child of their feelings, even to the point of blatantly lying about the spouse.  Their lies are often completely outrageous.  As one example from my life, one of my sisters in-law once told my husband I “stole” him & keep him from their family.  Nothing could have been further from the truth, yet she was very convicted when she told him this.  Clearly she was trying to convince my husband that her lies were the truth in an attempt to cause us problems or even get us to split up. 

When one person in a marriage has been subjected to this treatment by their family members that facilitates persecutory delusions, it can be incredibly difficult for both parties in the marriage.  One doesn’t want to believe that their family would lie to them, & may believe their family rather than face the fact they are lying.  The one being lied about is going to be hurt not only by the in-laws, but by their spouse who believes the lies.  Couples in this situation can end up divorced because of such toxic behavior.

If you are in this situation, there is hope!  The best thing I know to do is ask God to reveal the truth.  Whether you are the relative being abused or the spouse, the truth is vital to your situation.

If you are the one in this situation, question everything.  Don’t blindly believe what your family tells you.  Just because they are your family doesn’t mean they know everything or have your best interests at heart.  Often family can be the cruelest to their own.  When they say things to you that make you feel others are out to get you somehow, look for the truth & keep an open mind.  Ask yourself what evidence is there that what this person says is happening?  Look for information that either supports or disproves what they say.  If it helps, write things down.  Make two columns, one for things that prove what they say is accurate & the other for things that prove what they say is inaccurate.  Talk to someone you know who is safe, logical & can be objective.  Sometimes an objective third party can give a new perspective on your situation.  

If you are the spouse, then the best piece of advice I can offer is to love your spouse & live in such a way that they can’t help but know that what their narcissistic family says about you makes absolutely no sense.  This will make them question things their family members say, or ideally not believe them at all.  If they somehow don’t question things, ask your spouse to give examples of when you behaved as the narcissists say you did.  When they can’t come up with anything, that will plant doubt in their mind about the validity of their family’s comments.  Also when discussing this topic, remain as calm as possible.  If you show your anger, your spouse naturally will feel they must defend their family.

You can handle this situation, & you will come out of it stronger & wiser.

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“Christian” Narcissists

Over the last few years, I have heard the term “Christian narcissists” used repeatedly.  It is used to describe people who are either active in their church or professing to be Christians, yet they also exhibit narcissistic behavior.  Most commonly, these people are covert narcissists who revel in appearing martyr like in their life, giving to & doing for those who are “beneath” them somehow.  They even can be leaders in their church who are perceived as good people, yet are subtly controlling church members & possibly even abusing their own families.

The problem is there is no such thing as a Christian narcissist.  There are narcissists who pretend to be good & even Godly people, but they truly aren’t Christians.  Labeling these people as such turns people away from Christianity.

These narcissists may be a bit hard to spot at first.  They are busy doing for others, even sometimes at their own expense.  They may donate large sums of money or spend great amounts of time volunteering.  People speak highly of them for all that they do for others.  Yet, if you look just below the surface, you can see hints that show these people aren’t the saints they portray themselves to be.

First & foremost, true Christians openly trust in Jesus as the Messiah, their personal Savior, & their behavior reflects that.  “Christian narcissists” may claim to trust Him, but their behavior says otherwise.  They don’t readily admit that they have a need for a Savior.  They don’t talk much God & his goodness.  They turn the topic back to themselves.  They don’t have any interest in doing God’s will for their lives.

“Christian narcissists” see themselves as more special to God than other people.  They don’t credit answers to their prayers to God’s love or kindness, but instead imply or even say outright it’s because He loves them more than other people.  They make it sound like the only reason God answers their prayers & loves them is because they are such wonderful, special people. The Bible says that God doesn’t show favoritism in Romans 2:11, so clearly they’re wrong about that.

Another sign of a “Christian narcissist” is that this person doesn’t brag about God, only themselves.  If you listen to these people long enough, you will see that their so called humility is peppered with bragging.  They subtly mention how they have been such a blessing to someone else by taking them food or giving money during their times of need.  They even may brag about the accomplishments of someone else in a way that makes them appear to deserve credit.  But, they definitely don’t say things like, “You won’t believe what God has done for me!”  “I am so grateful that God did this thing for me!”  “I couldn’t have done that thing without God helping me or showing me what to do!”  The Bible says that we are to brag not of our wisdom or other things, but only about God. Jeremiah 9:23-24 in the New International Bible says, “This is what the Lord says:  “Let not the wise boast of their wisdom or the strong boast of their strength or the rich boast of their riches, 24 but let the one who boasts boast about this:  that they have the understanding to know me, that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight,” declares the Lord.””

If you speak to someone who claims to be a Christian yet demonstrates narcissistic behaviors like this, it’s certain you are dealing with a narcissist, not a Christian. 

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Playing The Victim

Many narcissists are known for playing the victim, in particular covert narcissists.  They seem to think that everyone else has caused their problems but themselves.  Their own actions are always excused away or even denied.  They also claim there is nothing they can do about these problems. 

As a person with a kind heart, it can be easy to get drawn into this victim act & feel sorry for this person.  The problem is that is easy for these people to manipulate the kind hearted in these situations.

Following are some ways to identify someone who is playing the victim to help you avoid that situation.

People who play the victim obviously feel sorry for themselves.  They think the world is so cruel & unfair to them, & they’re helpless to do anything about it.

These people also have no desire to put any work into improving their situation.  They prefer staying in the bad situation than changing it or even allowing anyone to help change it. 

They also accept zero responsibility for their behavior.  Whatever is wrong is always someone else’s fault, according to them.  They did nothing wrong.  If they ran someone over with their car, they would blame the person they hit for being in that parking lot at that particular time of day rather than admit that they didn’t look before backing out of their spot.

People playing the victim are incredibly manipulative.  Once they know they have someone’s pity they feel free to get anything they want from that person.  They will gain their sympathy & support.  They will get money from them.  Most of all, they get attention & these people do thrive on that attention.

Parents who play the victim are especially manipulative with their children.  There are so many situations where an overt & a covert narcissist marry, & the covert ends up looking like the innocent victim who needs his or her children’s protection against the overtly narcissistic parent.  This was my situation.  My father claimed there was nothing he could do to protect me from my mother’s abuse, & it was so hard for him when she abused me.  I often comforted him after one of her abusive episodes rather than him comforting me.

People like this are also emotional vampires, as the saying goes.  They cling to other people & expect them to listen to their woes at any time, for as long as they want to talk, no matter what is going on in their lives.  If the listener is unavailable, that person will do their level best to make the listener feel guilty for failing to be there when they were needed the most.

Another quality of those who play the victim is how offended they are with any differences.  If their chosen listener disagrees with them or continues suggesting they make changes, they will become very angry with the listener or even cut that person out of their life.

Most people who have experienced serious problems learn to appreciate the good things in life as a result.  Even small things such as a pretty flower can brighten their day.  Not so with those playing the victim.  They are intensely negative & unappreciative.  Nothing pleases these people.

When you come across someone like this in your life, & you definitely will, the smartest thing you can do is to set boundaries.  Limit your exposure to this person & avoid them if at all possible.  If avoiding them isn’t possible, keep conversations with them short & superficial.  Talk about the weather & other light topics that aren’t about them & how they have been wronged.

If you’re like many children of narcissistic parents who feel obligated to care for others to the point it’s unhealthy, these people can be hard for you to spot at first.  As God to give you discernment & remember the signs of their toxic behavior.

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How To Respond To Criticism About Being Estranged From Abusive Parents

Estrangement from abusive parents when initiated by the adult child comes with a great deal of torment.  Many people have no problems adding shame to that adult child’s torment whether or not they know the adult child, the parent or anything about the situation.  They share a lot of really ludicrous comments very freely.  My goal today is to offer some responses adult children in these situations may use when exposed to these popular & heartless comments.

“You just need to get over the past & move on.”  It is perfectly reasonable to point out to the person who says that that you don’t just get over trauma & abuse.  You can do all of the right things to help yourself but chances of complete recovery from an abusive & traumatic childhood are virtually non existent in this lifetime. If you have PTSD or C-PTSD, your chances are even slimmer because the trauma physically broke your brain.  Trauma in your past won’t let you go.

“You only get one mother or father!”  Yep.  That’s how that works.  Everyone gets one mother & one father.  So what is the point?  They only got one of you, so why not tell this person to remind your parents of that & tell them to treat you like a human being?

“Nobody’s perfect.”  That is true.  But, there is a huge difference between mistakes made & being deliberately hurtful to your own child.  Knowing your own parent did things to traumatize & hurt you on purpose is devastating, especially when that parent refuses to change their behavior even knowing how much pain they cause.  Why tolerate being treated badly by anyone, let alone someone who thoroughly enjoys inflicting pain?

“He or she had a bad childhood.  He or she doesn’t know how to be a good parent.”  Someone who was abused as a child may not know exactly what a good parent should do, but they absolutely know what not to do.  When they do things that were done to them knowing exactly how it makes a child feel, that is proof they aren’t simply damaged.  They are cruel & wicked.  How does it make sense to tolerate that treatment?

“You need to figure out how to make this relationship work!”  No.  Just no.  When most adult children are at the point of severing ties with their parents, they have tried for a long time to make the relationship work.  Eventually they realized nothing they did could fix it, because to fix a damaged relationship, both parties must work together.  When only one person tries, the relationship is doomed.  Either the one trying will stop trying & tolerate any abuse from the other person, or that one will end the relationship.

“What if your parent died tomorrow?  You’d regret this!”  Possibly the ultimate in guilt trip, shaming & disapproval comments said by a person pretending to care & be helpful.  It isn’t helpful or caring, & is a cruel thing to say.  Anyone who thinks someone who has severed ties with their parents hasn’t realized this is a possibility is an idiot.  Also, children die before their parents sometimes.  Why isn’t it ok to remind abusive parents of this & tell them they should treat their children better?

“You’re not honoring your parents!”  One of my least favorite comments because it twists Scripture around into something completely ungodly!  To honor someone means to pay them respect due to their position & to want what is best for them.  There is nothing good or holy about tolerating abuse & allowing someone to continue to engage in sinful behavior.  Where is any honor in that?

I hope I have helped you to have some comments at the ready when people say these awful things to you.  I wish you the best when these situations arise!

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Biblical Meekness  Not Necessarily What You Think

Most people are well aware of Matthew 5:5 where Jesus states that the meek are blessed because they will inherit the earth. How many people know what it means to be truly meek though?

Most people hear the word meek & think of someone who is timid, mousy & always extremely submissive. This is actually a more accurate definition of the word “weak” than “meek.” As the saying goes, “don’t mistake my meekness for weakness.”

The original meaning for the word meek in Greek was a description of war horses, believe it or not. War horses were supposed to be extremely powerful yet also very willing to submit to those in authority over them. This is power that is kept in check.

In people, true meekness manifests in a person well aware of the power that they have as children of God, but they choose to submit to Him, doing His will for their life. 1 Corinthians 10:23 in the Amplified translation sums up the way this person thinks quite well: “All things are lawful [that is, morally legitimate, permissible], but not all things are beneficial or advantageous. All things are lawful, but not all things are constructive [to character] and edifying [to spiritual life].” The truly meek are also far from cowardly, trusting in God completely even when in their darkest hours.

Jesus was a perfect example of living with meekness while He was on the earth. He obviously possessed great power as evidenced by so many miracles He performed, yet in spite of His position & power, He never used it improperly. He lived His life submitted to God, willing to do anything He was asked to do, even to the point of death on the cross. And, when He knew the cross was going to happen soon, in spite of His fear & desire not to do it, He trusted God either to prevent it from happening or enabling Him to face it.

At the same time, Jesus was no pushover. Matthew 21:12 tells the story of Jesus driving out the moneychangers from the temple, & the Amplified translation says He drove them out “with force.” He also had no problems calling out people on their bad behavior, even the highly esteemed scribes & Pharisees. He called them hypocrites many times, & even called them “white washed tombs full of dead men’s bones” because although they appeared Godly, their hearts were full of things that went against God.

Christians are supposed to imitate Jesus in their behavior, & that includes being meek. If you aren’t sure exactly what this means to you, I would like to offer you some food for thought today.

Being meek means standing up for what is right in the right way. This doesn’t have to mean a big production. It means living a life of integrity, doing is right & what needs to be done. It also simply can mean saying, “This is wrong.” That sort of statement said to someone suffering at the hands of another can be life changing.

Being meek means being gentle in interacting with other people. It means you don’t have to be heard while quieting others, & allowing others to speak to you without fear of your judgment or criticism.

Being meek means accepting your limitations. That doesn’t mean you don’t try to improve yourself, of course. It means that you know you can’t do everything, & that is OK.

Being meek means realizing you don’t know everything, & admitting that rather than pretending to know everything. People respect those who are genuine. Even if they may be frustrated you don’t have the answer they’re looking for, they will respect you more for admitting than they would if you pretended to know.

Meekness is a truly undervalued attribute. Why not be someone who helps bring this admirable quality into the lives of those you love, & be a good example of meekness?

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Dysfunctional Families And The Holidays

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Big Sale On My Print Books! 20% Off!

My publisher is offering a sale- 20% off all of my print books! Simply use code SNEAKPEEK20 at checkout. This code is valid until November 4, 2022.

My print books can be found at the following link:

https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

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When Your Family Refuses To See You As Anything But A Dysfunctional Child

When you grew up in a dysfunctional family, one of the most frustrating parts of it is that your family never sees you as a mature, independent adult.  If you have done your best to escape the dysfunction & live in a healthier way &/or have decided to live your life for Jesus, this is especially common & frustrating.  The dysfunctional family never will see you as a healthy, God fearing adult.  Instead they only see you as the dysfunctional child you once were.

This is so incredibly frustrating!  Even when you know that they’re content remaining in their dysfunction, it seems like they could at least acknowledge that you have changed.  Even if they disagree with your changes, that doesn’t seem like to much to ask, yet sadly it really is for the most dysfunctional of people. 

People who are content living their dysfunctional lives hate those who are a threat to it in any way.  Anyone who doesn’t condone or enable the dysfunction obviously is a problem.  Anyone who is a part of this toxic family & doesn’t condone or enable the dysfunction is especially problematic for such people.

A member of such a family who dares to live their life in such a way as to be different from the family or the family’s expectations for them is absolutely a problem for these people.  That behavior is seen as being rebellious or even betraying the family.  It’s as if they think, how dare someone be so arrogant & think that they’re so much better than the family as to live life on their own terms rather than fit onto the mold the family has made for them!

Even Jesus faced this problem.  His own family didn’t take Him or His work seriously.  Imagine that.  The family of Jesus didn’t take Him seriously!  Isn’t that amazing?!  In Matthew 13:57-58 in the Amplified Bible, Jesus says, “And they took offense at Him [refusing to believe in Him]. But Jesus said to them, “A prophet is not without honor except in his hometown and in his own household.” 58And He did not do many miracles there [in Nazareth] because of their unbelief.”

If you’re from a dysfunctional family & they treat you as they always have in spite of you growing up, getting healthier & even turning to God, then you are truly not alone!  Even Jesus experienced this.

I know it hurts when your own family treats you so poorly.  It can seem like the best choice would be to return to your old, dysfunctional ways so they stop mistreating you, but I promise you, that isn’t best!  I have been in this position since my family never saw me as anyone but the dysfunctional, blindly obedient & foolish child I once was.  Returning to those behaviors may have made them tolerate me, but I would have been miserable!  What is best is to keep walking the path that you know God has for you.

It also helps to remember that when people treat you in such a manner, it isn’t personal.  It literally has nothing to do with you, even though it certainly feels personal.  It has everything to do with the person behaving this way, their toxicity & their desire to avoid becoming healthier at all costs.  They are so truly toxic that they have zero problem with hurting another person if that will protect their dysfunctional ways & help them to avoid facing what made them this way.  That is pretty terrible!  There is no shame in being dysfunctional of course, so long as you are willing to work on it & improve yourself!  Being determined to live that way forever, no matter how much pain it causes other people, however, is absolutely toxic.

If at all possible, your best bet it to avoid such people.  If that isn’t possible, then do your best to minimize contact with them, stay true to yourself & your beliefs, & never forget to ask God to help you find creative & effective ways of dealing with such people.

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I’d Love Your Thoughts On A New Idea I Have

I’ve been toying with the idea of creating some digital ebook type courses, maybe printables. Nothing overly expensive of course. I always try to minimize costs of everything I write & these would be no exception to that. (Kinda weird to do, by the way.. I want costs to be cheap but not so cheap people see them & think “This can’t be any good.. it’s too cheap!” lol)

I need your thoughts on this idea.

First of all, is this something you would be interested in? I know written type courses aren’t as popular as audio or video, so I wonder if this would be appealing.

Second, if you like the idea, got any ideas on topic matter? I have a few but still would love to hear your thoughts to see if I’m on the right page (so to speak) with my readers.

If you’d like to answer my questions, feel free to comment or email me at CynthiaBaileyRug@aol.com

Thank you for your help, everyone!! I love & appreciate you! 😘❤️

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Highly Functional Versus Highly Dysfunctional

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You Are Not Responsible For How People Feel About You

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You Are Not Responsible For How People Feel About You

As the adult child of a narcissist, I can’t count how many times I have felt overly responsible for other people in so many ways.  One of those ways was how people feel about me.

If I met someone who didn’t like me, I felt it was my responsibility to change so they could like me.  If someone felt envious of something about me, I had to downplay that thing they viewed that way.  If they felt I was a snob, I had to prove to them that isn’t the case, & I am just quiet.  If they thought something was wrong with me because I love my cats & old cars, that too had to be trivialized around them to make them feel better about me.  And honestly, it got old.

As I healed more & learned more about people, not only narcissists, I realized something.  How someone feels about me isn’t my responsibility.

People are often quick to judge others they have just met.  I do it myself.  Upon first meeting someone new, I pick up on someone’s energy & the subtle cues they display quickly & that determines if I am willing to speak to them more or not.  Unfortunately mistakes can be made with snap judgments.  As I mentioned earlier, people have thought I’m a snob because I’m quiet.  My one sister in-law told my husband this many years ago, & she was far from the first one to make such a foolish assumption about me.  And interestingly, she also wasn’t the only one who behaved in the manner in which she accused me of behaving. 

When people make judgments about other people, often they can do as my sister in-law did, & project their flaws onto another person.  Narcissists haven’t cornered the market on projection, although they definitely do it more often than the general public.  The average person will do it too sometimes, & their projection makes them feel negatively about the victim of their projection.

Insecurity is also a reason people may feel negatively towards a person.  Their insecurity makes them feel threatened or badly about themselves.  If you are someone in a minimum wage job who dropped out of high school, for example, imagine how you would feel around a biochemist.  Clearly they make a lot more money than you & have a much more advanced education.  You easily could feel inferior.  Most people would be uncomfortable in this situation but wouldn’t act out on their feelings.  Some insecure people however, wouldn’t hesitate to let the biochemist know they dislike him or her, are unimpressed with their intelligence, etc.

Along the lines of insecurity is envy.  Envy can make a person feel badly about themselves, & wish to make the person who made them envious feel just as badly.  Women in particular are known for doing this.  Some women see another woman that they believe is much prettier than them, & they will talk negatively about her behind her back.  Their envy makes them behave badly.

No matter what someone’s reasoning for their negative perceptions of you, their perceptions are just that – theirs!  They chose to see you a certain way & not learn the truth.  A person who is unwilling to learn the truth about another clearly has issues, & those issues have nothing to do with you.  So the next time you find out someone thinks badly about you, just remember that you are NOT responsible for how other people feel about you.

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15% Off My Print Books Until October 7, 2022

My publisher is having yet another sale! 15% off all print books when you use code PUMPKIN15 at checkout.

My print books can be found at the following link:

https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

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Doing Another New Thing

Recently as I’ve mentioned before, I’ve decided to get into doing podcasts. I just decided to add them to Instagram. They are the same as my podcasts on YouTube- a picture of my logo with a podcast audio attached, just on a different platform. Lots of people like Instagram, so I figured it’s a good outlet for them.

Not sure what else, if anything I’ll do with Instagram. I may add the memes about NPD I’ve made & any future ones I make. I don’t know just yet. God will show me what to do though, of that I have no doubt.

If you’re on Instagram, & want to check them out, then follow the link below. I only have uploaded 1 so far, but hubby is on vacation so I simply haven’t had the time yet to do more. I will after he goes back to work.

https://www.instagram.com/cynthia_bailey_rug/

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People Who Believe Their Opinions Are The Only Right Ones

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Red Flag: When Someone Says Your Opinions Are Wrong

When you first learn about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, it can seem like you see narcissists everywhere.  I think it’s easy to become hyper alert to any signs of narcissism after suffering so many traumas at the hands of a narcissist. 

While narcissism is quite prevalent in society, not everyone you suspect is a narcissist is really a narcissist.  Thank God for that, am I right?!

There is one red flag though that people need to be aware of.  It can be a sign of narcissism, but isn’t always.  Even so, it’s a sign of a tendency to be controlling.

Whenever you say something about an opinion & the other person disagrees, that is a red flag.  While everyone disagrees sometimes even in close relationships, that shouldn’t be the norm, especially telling you that your opinion is wrong.

An example is someone telling their friend, “I really love that new movie!  It’s the best movie I’ve seen in a long time!”  The other person has seen the movie as well, & responds with, “No, that movie is lame.  That other new movie is way better.”

See what happened?  The second person told the first person their opinion is wrong.  Opinions aren’t right or wrong, they just are.  Telling the first person their opinion is wrong can be a way to appear superior, as if they know better.  It also can be a control tactic by shaming a person into changing their opinion to the other person’s.  Either way, this seems to be a habit with some people, & it’s a habit that can make a person unsafe even if they aren’t a narcissist.

This habit also is often done to people that are viewed as “less than” they are.  Poorer, not as intelligent, not as active in a church, not as successful in their career are some examples of a person who may be viewed by others as “less than.”

The same people who behave this way often get along much better with someone they think is “better than” them, such as someone who is wealthier, smarter, more successful, etc.

While this behavior certainly isn’t the worst form of abuse a person can inflict on another, it still should be considered a red flag.  It’s a form of gaslighting. 

My ex husband behaved this way with me even early in our relationship.  It bothered me but at that time, I was young, in my late teens, & didn’t know anything about red flags back then.  I just remember feeling shame & like he was so much smarter than I, so I should learn from him.  Over time the behavior became much worse.  It got to the point I felt as if I was incredibly stupid, & he was incredibly smart.  I listened less & less to my own feelings & perceptions.  On the rare occasion I spoke up, he made me feel even worse about myself.  

Does this behavior sound familiar to you?  If so, you’re not alone!

First off, never forget to pray!  Ask God to help you to know the truth, ask Him if the other person is right or wrong & why & anything else you can think of.

Also never forget this type of behavior is abnormal.  Someone who behaves like this clearly has issues.  This may be a sign that you need to reconsider being a part of a relationship with someone who behaves this way.

When you have doubts about what they, it say shows you know the real truth, so remember what you know.  Don’t let the other person convince you of anything else.

If you struggle with what they say, document everything.  Writing things down brings a lot of clarity.  It can help you to stay focused on the truth & show you just how bad this person’s behavior really is, which can help you to decide whether or not to continue the relationship.

I wish you the best in your situation!

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What Makes A Good Person Truly Good

So many people think that being a good person means that someone is very caring, willing to do anything for anyone, sacrifice anything & everything of themselves to others which includes those who treat them badly, & someone who never says or thinks anything negatively of other people.

The truth is that this isn’t the definition of a good person.  This is the definition of a doormat.  A person like this is going to be used & abused.  Naturally this will make many people who try to be good people think being a good person is a waste of time & sets them up for being mistreated.  They naturally prefer not to be so called “good people” over being treated so badly, & who can blame them?

Let’s consider what it’s like to be a good person rather than a doormat that people claim is a good person.

A good person is realistic.  If someone mistreats people, is arrogant, entitled or deliberately hurts other people, a good person recognizes these things & treats that person accordingly, even if that means eliminating that person from their life.

A good person also has standards.  They don’t tolerate just anything.  They give their best to others in every area of their lives, & they expect others to do the same thing.

A good person has boundaries.  They will respect your space, wants & needs, & act accordingly. They also expect you to return the favor to them.  If you cross certain boundaries with them, they won’t hesitate to call you out on it in a respectful way.  They also will care for you & watch out for you but they also have no problem saying no when they believe it is best to do so.

A good person shows respect to everyone, but also expects others to respect them in return.  This isn’t because they demand people respect them, but because they are aware that they are worthy of respect.

A good person is patient.  This doesn’t mean that they are weak nor are they willing to tolerate others using them.

A good person is very compassionate, but is not naive.  They will be very kind & gentle with a person, but if they realize that person is trying to use or abuse them, they won’t tolerate it.

A good person always will encourage you & build you up.  That doesn’t mean that they will tolerate you trying to tear them down as a way to build yourself up, however.

A good person will tell a person what they need to hear, even when it’s not necessarily what they want to hear because showing others God’s love is more important to them than building up their ego.

In short, being a good person isn’t what many people assume it is.  A good person can be truly good without being willing to tolerate nonsense or abuse.

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How You Can Help Victims Of Abuse

During the 1970’s, a young woman from Texas moved to Pennsylvania to attend college.  While living there, she fell in love.  The man was several years older than her & did not share her & her family’s conservative beliefs.  He convinced her to move in with him, much to the dismay of her family who disapproved of living together before marriage.  Eventually, the boyfriend killed her, stuffed her body in a steamer trunk & put her in a closet in their apartment!  Since the family lived so far from this young woman, they had no idea what happened to her.  The boyfriend was no help obviously, saying she left him, he didn’t know anything.  Eventually, the truth of his deeds was discovered.  

Aside from the obvious horror of this story, something struck me especially interesting.  The victim’s sister said that they had no idea until after her death that the boyfriend abused the victim.  She never told her family anything about his abusive ways, & living so far apart, they never saw her covered in bruises & injured.  The sister said if someone had just said something, this young woman might still be alive.

That is such a valid point!  Speaking up can make all the difference in the world!  Having survived an abusive upbringing & an abusive first marriage, I can tell you, when someone said, “How that person treats you is wrong”, it helped me tremendously.  Finally, I saw that I didn’t deserve what was being done to me.

I’m not saying every single person has to write about abuse like me or even try to change the laws.  I am saying though that if there are signs someone you know is being abused, speak up!  Physical injuries are obvious signs of course, but there are other signs.  If you’ve been a victim of narcissistic abuse, you know those signs all too well.  Low or non-existent self esteem, constantly doubting one’s self, afraid to do anything the narcissist may disapprove of, doing nothing without the approval of the narcissist, depression, anxiety, being hyper-vigilant are some examples. If you see these signs in someone you know, talk to them when you can get them alone.  Ask if how their parent or partner treats them, if they are abusive.  Many victims will say no, yet be unable to explain why they act like they are being abused or excuse their abuser’s behavior.  They may say he is tired from working long hours, or she has been stressed lately so she’s been drinking a lot which explains her behavior, or some other lame excuse.  Many even blame themselves for making the abuser treat them so badly.  It’s so important to let a victim know that there is no excuse to abuse, & the abuser is in the wrong.  Tell them that they don’t deserve to be treated this way, too.  If you’ve been in a similar situation, tell your story.  Sometimes seeing things from a slightly different perspective can be very enlightening.

Whether the victim is trapped in an abusive marriage or the abuser is a parent, offer to help them escape.  Offer to let them stay with you anytime they need to get away.  If the victim is a child, check into what it takes to become an emancipated minor in your area & help them if they want to do that.  Offer to hide money & belongings for the victim until they are able to leave permanently.  Most importantly, pray for the victim.  Leaving an abusive relationship is so hard!  That person is going to need all of the prayers, support, love & help they can get!

If you see someone in need, maybe God put that person in your path so you can be the one to help them.  I know many people don’t want to get involved in these situations but if you don’t, it could cost someone their life, like the young lady I mentioned earlier in this post.

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Thoughts On Confronting Narcissists

When a narcissist has abused you, it is only natural to want to confront this person.  You probably want to tell them what they did was wrong & why it is wrong.  Or maybe you want to tell them that they are a narcissist & show proof of it.  Any normal person would want to do these things, but unfortunately, doing so is a very bad idea.

When confronted, narcissists don’t have “light bulb” moments where they suddenly realize what they have done was wrong, where they realize just how badly they hurt their victim & are upset by it & apologize.  Normal, functional people behave that way & narcissists are far from normal or functional.  They respond in some of the most toxic ways imaginable.

Upon confronting a narcissist, they may deny your accusations completely, or say that you are making up things. 

If you have proof of their awful behavior & denial isn’t an option, chances are very good the narcissist will find a way to blame someone else for their actions, most likely you.  Narcissists love to say, “If you wouldn’t have done that, I wouldn’t have had to do what I did.”

Many times, narcissists also dismiss confrontations.  They do this by claiming that you are too sensitive, overreacting, crazy or other disparaging or even cruel things. 

If the narcissist knows you are discussing their behavior with other people, they will create a smear campaign against you as a way to discredit anything you say about them.  If the narcissist can convince other people that you are the problem in the relationship, no one will believe anything you have to say, in particular about the relationship.

Narcissists universally do their best to convince everyone, including their victims, that the problem isn’t that they are abusive, but instead is the reactions to their abuse. 

This is why confronting narcissists is rarely a good idea.  The best case scenario in confronting a narcissist is that nothing will change, that they won’t acknowledge any wrong doing on their part.  The worst case scenario is that you will end up hurting even more because of their denial, blaming, dismissive-ness or even their smear campaign.

If you are considering confronting the narcissist in your life, please consider these things.  Can you handle such things happening?  Would dealing with them be worth it to get things off your chest to the narcissist?

If you decide that it will be worth it because it will help you somehow, then a confrontation may be a good option for you.  Please keep some things in mind if you choose to do this…

Keep your expectations low, or rather non existent.  Expect nothing good to come from the narcissist.  He or she won’t be happy about your confrontation & most likely will try to hurt you for this somehow. 

Chances are excellent that the narcissist will recruit their flying monkeys to go after you as a way to punish you.  Flying monkeys can be surprisingly hurtful.  If you expect their attacks though, they can hurt much less.  Just remember, true flying monkeys aren’t genuinely fooled by the narcissist & think they are helping.  They are just as cruel & malicious as the original narcissist, if not more so.  Someone who is genuinely fooled will be willing to hear your side of things & not try to force you to do anything like resume a toxic relationship.

Keep in mind the smear campaign is very likely.  If it happens, chances are good you will lose some people you didn’t expect to lose because they will believe the lies.  As painful as that is, let it happen.  Those who truly love you won’t believe lies or help to spread them.  Also remember that defending yourself against it only backfires.  Instead, say nothing.  Live your life as if the smear campaign isn’t happening.  Let your good character shine & prove how wrong the narcissist is.

I wish you the best in your situation, & pray God gives you wisdom!

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Recognizing & Dealing With Covert Narcissists

Covert narcissists are as the name implies.  Covert.  In other words, these people can abuse others in such a stealthy, sneaky way that the abuse can go unnoticed.  Innocent probably best describes the impression they give.  The victim of a covert narcissist often feels badly after dealing with them, but doesn’t even know why.  They think the covert narcissist is innocent, because whatever they do, they appear innocent.  If the covert narcissist is confronted, they claim they didn’t realize what they said or did would hurt anyone.  They also cry victim & make people feel sorry for them.  Their behavior makes them appear naïve & always innocent.  Yet the truth is, they are cruel & incredibly toxic.

Consider the first narcissist, Satan.  When in the garden of Eden with Adam & Eve as described in Genesis 3, the way he approached Eve reeks of covert narcissism.  Rather than scream & rage, he simply asked questions that sound innocent, but created doubt in Eve’s mind.  He also sounded as though he wanted what was best for her.  Genesis 3:1-5 in the Amplified Bible says, “Now the serpent was more crafty (subtle, skilled in deceit) than any living creature of the field which the Lord God had made. And the serpent (Satan) said to the woman, “Can it really be that God has said, ‘You shall not eat from any tree of the garden’?” 2 And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees of the garden, 3 except the fruit from the tree which is in the middle of the garden. God said, ‘You shall not eat from it nor touch it, otherwise you will die.’” 4 But the serpent said to the woman, “You certainly will not die! 5 For God knows that on the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened [that is, you will have greater awareness], and you will be like God, knowing [the difference between] good and evil.””

This is how covert narcissists work.  On the surface, they sound like they may be naïve, but they’re good people with good intentions.  They may have started their lives that way, but they no longer are.  They learned somewhere along the way that this type of behavior got them what they wanted, so they have continued using them, even employing new, similar behaviors. 

It is possible to protect yourself from covert narcissists.  First you must acknowledge that their behavior is evil.  Since their behavior is similar to the serpent’s behavior in the Garden of Eden, that alone should be a sign to you that it’s evil. 

You also keep your distance from them.  The Bible says in Proverbs 22:3 & 27:12 that a prudent (in other words, wise or shrewd) person recognizes evil & hides from it while the naïve continue in that way & are punished for it.  There isn’t a lot of repetition in the Bible, so when something is repeated, to me that says it is worth paying extra attention to.   

It is also vital to pray.  Ask God for discernment so you recognize these people quickly, to show you the truth about their behavior, ways to deal with it when it is impossible to avoid & to ruin their efforts to hurt & abuse you.  His guidance & assistance is invaluable & you absolutely use it!

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How To Stop Being A People Pleaser

While most people have a desire to please other people naturally, no one is born a dysfunctional people pleaser.  Crossing into being dysfunctional means that pleasing other people reins supreme in your life, even above pleasing yourself & taking care of yourself.  It results in toxic relationships with abusive people who take advantage of you.  It also can cause many problems in your own life.  Your finances, mental & physical health can be severely damaged or destroyed by being a people pleaser.  Clearly, the life of a people pleaser isn’t a good life in any way!  Breaking free from people pleasing ways isn’t easy but it is possible, & that is what I hope you will learn from this post today.

To start with healing from any dysfunctional behavior, I firmly believe it’s best to heal the dysfunctional thoughts & beliefs that started you on this road.  Doing so will change your behavior naturally as you heal.

Learning how to be a people pleaser often starts early with children whose parents were narcissistic.  These parents don’t have normal expectations for their children, such as wanting them to learn, grow & one day become independent adults.  Instead, they teach their children some very dysfunctional & toxic things, & those children need to unlearn these things.

One thing they teach their children is that their love is conditional.  They are only worthy of love if they please their narcissistic parent in some way.  This belief ends up transferring to other people as well, & these children try hard to earn the love of people in their lives by doing anything they want them to do.  Children who grew up with parents like this need to learn that no matter what they do or don’t do, they deserve to be loved.  And, anyone who insists they do things to earn their love truly doesn’t love them.  Someone who genuinely loves won’t demand anyone earn their love

Another toxic lesson people pleasers learned early is that they only deserve attention when they are accomplishing something that pleases their narcissistic parent.  If these children aren’t doing something that pleases their narcissistic parent at all times, they believe they are unworthy of attention.  The truth however is that is completely wrong!  No one should feel they have to fade into the background just because at a certain moment they aren’t doing something.  Your actions & behaviors alone don’t make you worthy of attention from anyone.

Narcissistic parents teach their children that they are only worthy of praise & kind words when doing as they are told to do.  The more a child ignores their own wants, needs & feelings & focuses on doing whatever their parent wants, the greater chance they will be shown some kindness.  Since that kindness is so rare, children in this situation focus more on their parents & less on themselves.  This is so unhealthy!  Everyone needs to have balance between doing for themselves & other people.  Contrary to what these children learn, it is NOT selfish or wrong to take care of themselves & do things they want to do sometimes.

These sick, twisted beliefs need to be rejected & healthier ones need to take their place.  When you’re in a position of people pleasing, ask yourself why you feel you need to do what you feel you need to.  Is it because you genuinely want to do this for someone or do you feel obligated to?  Are you trying to earn favor with this person?  Answer yourself honestly!  If you are unsure, then pray.  Ask God to show you what your true motives are & to help you get healthier.  He will be glad to if you just ask.

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Boundaries Are Good For Everyone!

Dysfunctional people, especially narcissists, often believe that giving someone everything they want & doing anything they want is what it means to love & honor someone. They even claim it’s not Godly to say no.

This couldn’t be more wrong though!

Romans 15:2 in the Amplified Bible says, “Let each one of us [make it a practice to] please his neighbor for his good, to build him up spiritually..”

Did you notice what that verse says?  It says we should please our neighbor “for his good.”  That alone proves that not everything that can be done for someone is for their own good.  But, even if you don’t believe the Scripture, simply observing those who have gotten their way about nearly everything shows you that isn’t good.  People who are very accustomed to getting their own way are very arrogant & entitled.  They can be extremely demanding of others & have virtually no respect for the time & needs of others.  Worst of all, they also can be narcissists.  It’s very good for people not to get their own way all of the time. 

It’s also good for people not to do for others all of the time, because those who are catered to will come to expect that.  They can become very entitled & demanding rather than appreciating all someone does for them or returning the favor.

For victims of narcissistic abuse, saying no creates a great deal of shame.  Narcissists train their victims to do whatever they want with no regard to the victim’s own needs, wants or feelings. They also make sure their victims know how selfish & terrible they are if they consider their needs, wants or feelings rather than only the narcissist’s.  After being berated for being so terrible enough times, any normal person in this situation learns to avoid having any boundaries, & simply do whatever the narcissist wants in order to avoid trouble.  It seems to be the easier alternative to being shamed for having boundaries.  

After years or even a lifetime of being forced to go along with whatever the narcissist wants, setting boundaries seems almost impossible, & I don’t mean only with the narcissist.  It can seem impossible to have boundaries with anyone.  It can be done though!

As always, I recommend starting with prayer.  Ask God to help you learn how to set & enforce healthy boundaries.  Ask Him for strength & wisdom & anything else you need in this area.

Start small.  Don’t be available every single time someone wants to speak to you.  Let the phone ring sometimes.  Don’t answer that email or text immediately.  If you must get together with someone, suggest a different time or even day than they want.  These tiny steps can help you to gain confidence & set bigger boundaries. 

Remind yourself often that it isn’t your job to please other people.  It is your job to please other people according to what is good for them, according to Romans 15:2.  Sometimes what is good for someone is doing things for them & being a blessing, but other times what is good for someone is saying no or forcing them to handle something without your assistance.

Don’t let other people make you feel as if you’re a terrible person for having boundaries & telling them “no” sometimes!  That is certainly NOT the case!

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My New Shop On Facebook Is Open!

I have just created a shop on Facebook! Most of my books are currently available for purchase in there, & soon all will be. I opened it to make a central location where all of my books can be purchased, & is easy to find. Each link on the books takes you to a universal link, showing you all places where it is available for purchase.

My shop is connected to my business page, The Butterfly Project, which is why my name doesn’t appear on the shop, just FYI.

I hope you like the shop! Come check it out at the link below:

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I Need A Favor From You..

Although I try never to ask for favors, this time I have a serious request for help from any of you who are willing & able to help out.

The link below is to a gofundme page for a very good cause. The beautiful little girl in question needs to be brought back home to safety. She currently is with her father’s family full time, & they are abusive. Her mom needs legal help to get her back home & away from these abusers. Unfortunately, legal help is NOT cheap. That is why the gofundme page.

There is a court date coming up in mid September, so if there is any way you can donate, even a small donation, it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much in advance for your generosity!!!

For more details, read the link below. Thank you again for your help!

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Save 10% On All My Print Books Until Sept. 2, 2022!

My publisher is having another sale. 10% off all print books until September 2, 2022 when you use code INNOVATION10 at checkout.

My print books can be found at this link:

https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

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Highly Functional Versus Highly Dysfunctional

Many people have heard the term “highly functional.”  Highly functional can happen in all kinds of ways.  Someone with high functioning anxiety or depression battles their disorder, yet is also able to hold down a job & have relationships.  Someone who is high functioning with a physical condition similarly performs at a higher level than others with the exact same condition.

Interestingly, recently when I was praying, God taught me the term “highly dysfunctional.”  I assumed this would mean someone who is very dysfunctional, but it isn’t exactly what He meant.  Highly dysfunctional means someone who is intensely dysfunctional, continues to avoid facing their own issues, hurts others & himself or herself because of it, yet lives a rather normal life.

An example of a highly dysfunctional person can be that coworker who everyone likes because she is always willing to go over & above, take on extra shifts, & cover for coworkers who need last minute time off while rarely taking time off for herself.  Another example can be the guy whose family treats him poorly, yet he defends them fanatically to his wife when she objects to their treatment of him. 

People like this aren’t the type to cause other people pain deliberately, yet they hurt themselves & other people all the time.  That coworker I used as an example can spend so much time focusing on her job that she has no time or energy left for herself or those who love her.  She ends up resentful & exhausted, possibly also with physical & mental health problems because she hasn’t achieved balance between work & her personal life.  The other example?  That man causes his wife tremendous pain because although it isn’t intentional, his behavior continually proves to her that his family is much more important to him than their marriage. 

Highly dysfunctional people usually have no idea that what they are doing is such a problem until they are faced with undeniable proof of the problem, such as her health problems or his divorce.  And sadly, by then, the damage is often irreparable. 

They also usually don’t understand why anyone complains about their behavior since usually, it doesn’t look bad.  Consider my examples again.  The woman in the example could be seen has having a good work ethic & the man could be seen as a loving son to his aging parents.  The highly dysfunctional don’t recognize that the truth is that the woman was raised to be a doormat by her abusive parents, or that the man in the example is a grown man who is still trying to gain the approval of his narcissistic parents that have made him believe he is only worthy of their love when he does what they want him to do.

If you are a highly dysfunctional person, there is truly hope for you!  You are going to have to face the truth about your life & what has made you dysfunctional.  I know this is hard, but it really is possible!  I believe a close relationship with God to be vital in all areas, but in particular with emotional healing.  Ask Him to help you to be strong & courageous enough to face whatever you must, to show you what areas you need healing & how to work on that healing.  Also look to Him for validation, not other people, & ask Him to help you to learn to validate yourself.  Doing these things will help you to become so much healthier & happier!

People in relationships with highly dysfunctional people also need to take care of themselves, especially if the highly dysfunctional person doesn’t recognize their dysfunction.  Highly dysfunctional people may not do it intentionally, but they still gaslight their loved ones by normalizing their behavior & criticizing healthy behavior.  You need to have a firm grip on what you know is healthy, right & true so as not to fall for their gaslighting.  They are very convicted in what they think, & it can be hard not to believe what they say, especially if that person is someone close to you like a spouse.  

It’s also important to remind yourself often that it is their right to function out of their dysfunction.  You can’t force them to get healthier.  That being said, you don’t have to validate it or tolerate what hurts you.  Have healthy boundaries & cling to the truth.  Give this person consequences rather than excuse their dysfunctional behavior.  Excuses won’t help anyone.  Consequences encourage change without being controlling.  And never forget to pray about how best to handle your situation & ask God for any help you need.  He will be glad to help you.

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism