If you have been interested in getting the print version of any of my books, now is a good time! My publisher is offering 15% off when using code SPRING15 at checkout until May 7, 2021.
My print books can be found at the link below…
If you have been interested in getting the print version of any of my books, now is a good time! My publisher is offering 15% off when using code SPRING15 at checkout until May 7, 2021.
My print books can be found at the link below…
Several years ago, I posted something on my personal Facebook page that turned into a disaster.
The date was May 31, which is the day that my Granddad passed away in 2003. Each year in May, I get depressed because it’s been so difficult losing such a wonderful man. Some years I discuss it, some I don’t. One year, I mentioned it on Facebook & shared a few pictures of him. This simple act caused one of my relatives to be very angry with me. She left a nasty comment on my post for sharing this because she felt I was disrespecting my grandmother by not mentioning her, & only mentioning Granddad.
Think about this for a moment. It was the anniversary of my granddad’s passing. Doesn’t logic dictate that he was the center of my focus on that particular post rather than my grandmother? I adore her, but May 31 was more about Granddad in my mind & that seemed only logical under the circumstances to me. Besides, I mentioned her on her birthday, the date of her passing & my grandparents’ anniversary, so it’s not like she was ignored!
As if this relative’s reaction to my post wasn’t inane enough, it got worse.
The following May 31, I said nothing since I didn’t want to be attacked again. I didn’t think much about this until another one of my relatives (who happens to be a very malicious covert narcissist) mentioned it being the anniversary of my Granddad’s passing. This relative even shared the exact same pictures I had!! She also said similar things in her post as I had in mine the prior year! Her wording was almost word for word the same as mine. And yes, I compared our posts because I was reasonably sure she had copied mine! It was very shocking to me how she so obviously copied me, but what was even more shocking is the relative who the year prior chewed me out for being so “disrespectful” praised this person for doing the exact same thing as I had! She told this person how incredibly kind & thoughtful it was of her to remember Granddad & how much she loved her.
Frankly, the whole scene made me nauseous.
This type of scenario is very common in narcissistic families. The one who is honest about narcissistic abuse is shunned in so many ways by their own family for not conforming, for not being like the rest of the family & for being open about the family’s secrets. However, the narcissists in the family are treated so much differently! They are showered with love, support & encouragement.
If this is happening in your family, you aren’t imagining it. You aren’t over reacting. You aren’t being over sensitive for being angry about the insanity & unfairness of it. You are a person with a normal reaction to this dysfunctional situation. Unfortunately, for dysfunctional families with a narcissist (or more), their behavior is also pretty normal. Many people don’t have the courage to face the fact that someone in their family is an abusive monster or stand up for what is right. Instead, they side with the abuser. Standing up for what is right means actively doing things, like offering support to the victim & calling an abuser out on their actions. It is easier for cowardly people to side with the abuser. Besides, chances are good they will gain something from their allegiance to the narcissist. It could be favor with the narcissist or gifts or anything really.
All of this means that there is nothing wrong with you! It also is nothing personal, even though it feels that way. The problem lies with not only the abusive narcissist, but his or her flying monkeys as well. You are fine, they are not! Please try to remember that, & keep on telling your story!
The Bible has many wonderful verses about forgiveness. They are scattered throughout both the Old & New Testaments
There is a slight problem with these verses though. It isn’t even the verses, but how verses are quoted by some people. I’ll give you an example from my own life. Years ago, my father was in the hospital briefly. I did most of the communicating with the medical staff. Some of the care he received was terrible & I was angry about it. I was also frustrated because as his daughter, there wasn’t much I could do on his behalf. That was my mother’s job & she didn’t seem to want to do anything. One of my father’s sisters called me one day after an especially frustrating time at the hospital. Upon realizing I was angry, she scolded me for being angry. Said I need to let this go & forgive the people who caused my anger & do it NOW. While I did that eventually, that was the lowest priority in my life at that time. My anger helped motivate me to push the staff to treat him better & to push my mother to do what she needed to do as well. It was also reasonable to be angry in that situation, contrary to what my aunt seemed to think. Scolding me for responding appropriately didn’t help & in fact, made the situation worse in a way because then I was also angry with her.
This sort of scenario happens often with people who have been abused when they tell Christians about it. I heard early in my Christian walk that I needed to focus on forgiving my parents & ex husband. In fact, one woman told me, “I don’t know what your problem is. God says forgive so I just do it.” Talk about shame inducing!
It also doesn’t help that many people think to forgive someone always means you “forgive & forget.” That is often the worst thing a person can do!
Forgiveness Scriptures are a wonderful thing, but unfortunately many people misunderstand & misapply them.
For one thing, to forgive someone doesn’t necessarily mean “forgive & forget”. It can, of course, but for small things only. Your best friend forgets your birthday should be one of those, especially if that person has a lot going on in their life & this is the first time it’s happened. Applied to those of us who have been abused however? Forgiving & forgetting is a terrible mistake! Doing so only sets yourself up for further abuse. It also doesn’t give the other person consequences for their actions, so they continue with their bad behavior not only with you but with others as well. This is obviously NOT a good thing!
Forgiveness also doesn’t necessarily equal reconciliation. It can, but it doesn’t have to mean that. Regarding the narcissists in my life, I thought of forgiving them more like forgiving a debt. When someone forgives a debt, that means they no longer expect the borrower to repay them what they owe. In abusive relationships, the abuser does owe the victim at the very least an apology. When you release the abuser from owing you that apology & whatever else they owe you, you have forgiven them. You may still feel some anger towards them, but that doesn’t mean you haven’t forgiven them. It means you released them from owing you anything for the suffering they caused. In time, the anger will lessen, but it may not go away entirely. I don’t think that’s a bad thing, because abuse should be something that stirs up anger in everyone!
Also, to truly forgive someone, you have to feel & process your emotions first. Forgiveness can’t truly happen until you do that, I believe. That process can take a long time sometimes, especially when a person has been abused.
Dear Reader, don’t let anyone shame you for not forgiving your abuser quickly enough. I firmly believe that as long as you want to do that & are working on it, God isn’t angry with you. He understands that you simply aren’t able to do it right this moment. He will help you get there too. All you need to do is ask for that help!
When a person faces serious health problems, they change & not only physically. Their personalities change, too. That is normal. Sometimes the personality changes can be very bad.
A dear friend of mine lost her husband some time ago after caring for him for several years. Not long before he died, she told me some very disturbing things about his behavior. This once good, kind, loving man was suddenly exhibiting many narcissistic traits. In particular, he didn’t want his wife to be with other people, including their children. It was bizarre since narcissism doesn’t suddenly show up, like when you catch a cold. The more we talked about things, the more I thought of something…
After I survived Carbon Monoxide Poisoning, the hospital gave me no information & even said my elevated carbon monoxide levels “weren’t so bad.” They also said I had no brain injury in spite of showing many signs of a concussion from hitting my head when I passed out. The hospital said I could return to work two days later, but by that time, I still felt just as miserable as I did when I left the hospital. I was lost, so I started researching my condition. I also joined a traumatic brain injury group on Facebook. I noticed immediately most people in the group showed a LOT of narcissistic tendencies & were very insecure. I left the group quickly, but I realized something. I was starting to behave much as they were! I wanted my husband to be with me non stop & was very annoyed he wasn’t. I knew he had demanding, elderly parents with health problems, plus a full time job which all left him exhausted much of the time, but even so, I was annoyed he didn’t spend more time with me. Realizing how selfish I was behaving was a real wakeup call!
I told my friend about my experiences plus what I witnessed in that group & in time, we realized what happened with her husband was much like what happened to me.
The reason I’m sharing this is so many people are affected by serious health concerns either in themselves or in those they love. Whether you are the person with the condition or someone you love is, it’s vital to understand that serious health problems can change someone’s personality drastically. The condition doesn’t even need to be something that affects one’s brain directly like Alzheimer’s, stroke or traumatic brain injury for this to happen.
When you become seriously sick or injured, you become scared. Even if you’re getting the best of care & have a great prognosis, health problems are terrifying.
Add in that you can’t do things you once took for granted & are forced to rely on other people for help. That too can make you feel afraid, especially for the person who has always been self reliant, & is a serious blow to the self esteem.
Having to rely on other people also can make you feel like a burden, which unsurprisingly is terrible for one’s self esteem.
Feeling like a burden can make you feel that you need to put your best face forward & not show others just how miserable you feel or how much you’re struggling. There is a very difficult balance in this situation. If you act as if your symptoms aren’t as bad as they are, or not happening at all, people often think you’re faking the health crisis. But, if you are honest about it, people often think you’re exaggerating your symptoms, feeling sorry for yourself or looking for attention.
Feeling insecure & afraid naturally change a person. Many people get angry. Many others talk about their illness non stop in an effort to educate people, which often alienates them because people get tired of hearing about this topic. Most people though seem to become insecure, some even to the point of displaying narcissistic tendencies.
If you are the person who is ill & behaving this way, please work on healing! You are only hurting yourself & those around you! I know it’s hard but you can change! Watch your behavior, & change it accordingly. Apologize when you mistreat someone or have unfair expectations on them. Stop expecting people to meet your needs & focus on God to do that.
If you are the person in a relationship with someone who is behaving this way, remember, you can’t change their behavior. They have to change themselves. But, you aren’t helpless. You need to have good boundaries in place & enforce them. Talk to this person & explains that their behavior hurts you. Non-narcissistic people will respond to that! I know it seems hard to believe if you’ve dealt with a narcissist, but it’s true. Remind yourself that their behavior isn’t personal. It’s their illness making them act this way rather than something you are doing wrong.
Whichever position you are in, remember to stay close to God. Nurture that relationship. That is what will help you more than anything else!
My publisher is having another sale on all of my print books. Use code SELL15 at checkout & get 15% off until April 23 , 2021
Books are available at the link below:
The definition of emotional intelligence is the ability to be aware of, express, & control one’s emotions. It also includes the ability to handle relationships with empathy & fairness. People with a high degree of emotional intelligence are often kind, fair, understanding & tolerant of the mistakes of others while not tolerant of abuse.
Narcissists hate emotionally intelligent people. There are various reasons they can feel this way. Possibly because narcissists are very emotionally unintelligent, & therefore can’t understand the emotionally intelligent they hate them. Narcissists understanding the emotionally intelligent would be like the average person trying to understand how geniuses like Einstein thought. It would be impossible… although the average person at least wouldn’t hate him for his intelligence.
Another & even more likely scenario is because emotionally intelligent people aren’t easily fooled or manipulated. Narcissists want to fool & manipulate their victims so they can get whatever they like from them. Emotionally intelligent people have good boundaries & they understand people. This makes it nearly impossible to fool & manipulate them. It may happen briefly, but it won’t happen long. This makes them terrible victims of narcissistic abuse.
For the emotionally intelligent person in this situation, the narcissist & their flying monkeys will be incredibly shaming. They come up with all kinds of ridiculous things to say to the victim in order to shame them into compliance. In Christian circles, often the Bible is twisted around for the purpose of shaming the victim: “If you remember, the Bible says to honor your parents!” “Wives should submit to their husbands!” “Love covers a multitude of sins!” When Scripture isn’t used, the ridiculousness doesn’t get any better. People try to shame the victim by saying equally stupid comments such as, “You need to forgive & forget!” “That’s in the past…” “That’s just how he is.” “You need to understand her better.” “But he was abused by his parents!!”
Comments like these can create a great deal of conflict & confusion in someone victimized by a narcissist. A person who is emotionally intelligent however, isn’t conflicted & confused. They recognize the bad behavior for what it is, & have no problem calling out the people who say these things. It can hurt though & can be rather hard not to take the shaming personally sometimes.
If this happens to you, a very helpful thing you can do is remember what type of person is saying these things. You aren’t dealing with another emotionally intelligent person. They don’t say such stupid, heartless comments. Then ask God to tell you the truth & ask if they were right in what they said.
It also helps to look objectively at your situation & ask yourself does what this person said to you make any sense? If you can’t seem to look at the situation objectively, I know a trick to help. Pretend a friend has come to you & told you of this same situation happening to them. Doing this can help you feel disconnected enough to look more objectively at your situation. Please remember, Dear Reader, to be proud of being the emotionally intelligent person you are. Narcissists & their flying monkeys only criticize it because it means you see through their abuse. Don’t accept their shame! The shame belongs to them & you have no reason to carry it!
This post is for those of you who have made the bold, painful step of going no contact with your narcissistic parents.
All of us who have gone no contact with our narcissistic parents know that in such situations, the relationship had become utterly intolerable & that pushed us to the desperation of no contact. The constant control, vindictive criticisms & abuse became too much from the overtly narcissistic parent. The constant shaming, manipulation, childish behavior & abuses so subtle most people didn’t see them from the covertly narcissistic parent also were too much. Who can live with this indefinitely?! No one with any normal human emotions could!
Upon ending the relationship, the shock of the flying monkeys & their despicable abuse was next. The constant comments of, “But that’s your mother or father!” “You only get one set of parents!” “They’re getting up in years. How do you think you’ll feel when they die?” & other venom comes from their mouths. When guilt & shame don’t work, they attack your character. They call you ungrateful, spoiled, a brat, evil & more. If you’re a Christian, your faith will be attacked, too. As they like to claim, by severing ties with your abusive parents, you obviously have no idea what it means to honor your parents. You must be a hypocrite!
Trauma doesn’t end with no contact. Thanks to flying monkeys, it often continues for quite some time until they find a new target.
The time immediately after no contact is a very difficult time. The guilt, the doubts & the abuse from flying monkeys are all incredibly hard to deal with! Also many times, C-PTSD goes into overdrive after no contact. No longer needing to function in survival mode seems to make the brain think that since you’re safe now, it’s time to deal with all those old issues you put on the back burner for so long. All of these things can make you wonder if you did the right thing by going no contact. Sometimes it seems easier to remain in the relationship just to keep the peace, but it truly isn’t easier.
Once you are no contact, you’re finally free. Free from the barrage of abuse from your narcissistic parent. Free from your parent trying to make you into whatever they want you to be. Free to do what you want without your parent trying to tell you how wrong you are & shaming you for your so called bad decisions. Free to be the wonderful person God made you to be. You’re finally free!!
From day one, narcissistic parents try to make their children into whatever sick fantasy they have. They don’t care one iota about the child’s talents, interests or anything like that. They are narcissists, after all, so all that matters to them is what they want. Growing up like this, finally experiencing freedom can be scary. The assaults of the flying monkeys & often the harassment from the narcissistic parents can add to the fear. You know something though? Going through the fear is totally worth it. On the other side of that fear are peace, joy & bravery like you have never known!
And, you don’t have to walk through that fear alone. God will be right by your side! Remember, Psalm 23 says that He walks with us through the valley of the shadow of death. I have experienced that first hand, & I can tell you that as painful as those times were, especially after going no contact with my parents, it was all worth it. I ended up closer to God than ever, & He enabled me to do the unimaginable. He will do the same for you if you allow Him to. Dear Reader, as hard as no contact with narcissistic parents can be, don’t give up. Don’t go back. Don’t listen to the absurd ramblings of those who don’t know your situation like you do. Lean on God. Let Him support & guide you through this process. xoxo
2 Timothy 1:7 in the Amplified Bible says, “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity or cowardice or fear, but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of sound judgment and personal discipline [abilities that result in a calm, well-balanced mind and self-control].” It can be so hard to remember that God has given us a healthy mind sometimes! Having lived with many symptoms of C-PTSD for as far back as I can remember then almost all since 2012, there have been more times than not that I have doubted that very Scripture. Clearly I’m not proud of that but it’s true. Waking up during panic & anxiety attacks, the way sometimes anxiety runs roughshod over logic & the crippling agoraphobia I lived with for well over 20 years can make that happen.
If you can relate, then you too may be controlled by a spirit of fear as I have been. There are ways you can identify if this is indeed the problem or not.
Do you have the urge to hide from everyone, even God? Fear can become a self made prison, creating the urge to avoid everyone. Most introverts are fine with plenty of alone time but even so, fear can make even the most die hard introvert spend too much time away from other people & become lonely. It also can make even the most devoted Christian pray less & less.
Is your faith becoming weak? If so, you may be living with a spirit of fear. Fear can create a hindrance for believing in what God has to say. It can make you think irrational thoughts such as all of those promises in the Bible aren’t for you, that God meant them for other people. It can make you doubt the call on your life to the point of not following through with it. It also can make you forget what you know the Bible says or what God has spoken to you.
Fear can consume your thoughts. When fear takes over, all you can think about is the issue that makes you afraid. You neglect relationships, doing a good job at work, caring for children & pets & more.
Fear can skew your judgment. Because fear is so tormenting & miserable, you can become desperate for a way out. This means you may listen to people you normally wouldn’t listen to for advice. You may consider or actually do things you know you shouldn’t do.
If you can relate to these, then you may be operating under the control of a spirit of fear. Don’t lose hope though! You don’t have to live this way any longer!
To start, refocus on God. Read your Bible more often. Subscribe to a daily devotional or Bible in a year email. Listen to Christian music that makes you feel close to God & do it often. Ask Him for help whenever you feel fear. And when you don’t, thank Him & ask Him to help you to live with this type of peace more often.
Consider your situation logically. Ask yourself why this situation makes you so afraid. Is there a valid reason to feel fear? Can harm come to you or someone else? Doing this can help you refocus & accept that there is no real reason to be scared.
Force yourself out of your comfort zone sometimes. It really will help you to have more self confidence which will in turn reduce the amount of fear you feel. When my mother died & I learned I was her personal representative, I didn’t think I could do it. I had no choice though. I legally couldn’t pawn the duties off on anyone else. I literally had to force myself to do things that were miles out of my comfort zone. I did them though. I tried to reward myself almost every time I did something, too. It didn’t have to be anything big. I like driving while listening to good music so I would take a long route home & just enjoy the music. Sometimes I picked up dinner rather than cook. Pushing myself out of my comfort zone helped me to gain more & more confidence, & the rewards helped to cement good feelings in my mind. Try to do the same! Start small & do bigger, scarier things as you feel able, & don’t forget to reward yourself after for a job well done!
In time, you can stop living with that spirit of fear & start living with the sound mind that God has given you!
Those of you close to me know that my husband & I have bought his late parents’ home from his two sisters. Our situation has been challenging & rather different though in many ways from a typical home purchase. For one thing, I haven’t spoken to them since 2002, & haven’t broken that even during this process.
They haven’t been good to my husband during this process, & it’s made me so angry, I realized I went from feeling nothing for them to hating them
As a Christian, this isn’t somewhere I wanted to be but I wasn’t sure how not to feel that way. I asked God to help me not hate them a couple of times, but mostly just tried not to think about it. Anything that is ignored doesn’t just disappear, so I have no idea why I thought that was smart.
While I was ignoring this hate in my heart, I had a dream one night. In it, the only part I could remember was seeing a large flock of white doves. I looked up the symbolism. One possible meaning of doves in a dream is that you need to release any hatred you feel. So much for ignoring it!
I got serious about asking God to help me get rid of this hate. Matthew 5:44 came to mind. In the Amplified translation, it says, “But I say to you, love [that is, unselfishly seek the best or higher good for] your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,” This really isn’t my favorite Scripture, to be honest. It might be my least favorite in fact. Even so, that doesn’t mean it can be ignored. I started praying for them. Not just as my in-laws or my husband’s sisters. By name. I forced myself to think of each one of them specifically as I prayed for them. Somehow it felt like the right thing to do & I am so glad I did it!
The first two or three times I did this, it was hard. I wasn’t sincere. I was only praying for them because I knew that is what God wanted me to do. Then little by little, the hatred started to disappear. It didn’t just vanish all at once. It took lots of praying for them, & with each prayer, a bit of hate would disappear.
Once I’d decided to pray for them, I noticed that often, I’d think of them out of the blue, & get really angry. Rather than sit with that anger, I’d pray for them. Even if it was just a simple prayer, asking God to turn their hearts to Him or to bless them, I’d still pray it. And you know something? The more I did that, the less the anger reared its ugly head.
I don’t want you to misunderstand me. I’m not saying that all is forgiven & forgotten, we’re going to be best friends now. I am still angry about the terrible behavior they have exhibited towards my husband. That is reasonable, I believe, because we should always be angry about someone we love being mistreated, but especially when the abusive person shows no signs of remorse. I also will continue not to have a relationship with them for the rest of our lives.
Praying for them took me to a much more reasonable & even Godly place. God doesn’t want His children hating others, but He does want us hating what is evil, according to Romans 12:9. Abusing someone without remorse or changing behavior is evil, so there is nothing wrong with hating such things. There is also nothing bad with having healthy boundaries in place. Examples of setting healthy boundaries are sprinkled all throughout the Bible.
If you have gotten to a place that I was where you hate someone, then please consider praying for that person as I did. It really is worth the effort. It truly helps! It’ll help the person you’re praying for & it’ll help you by allowing you to release that hatred in your heart.
This time, my publisher is offering 15% off all print books. Simply use code READER15 at checkout until March 26, 2021 to take advantage of the sale. Visit the link below to see my books…
In families with narcissistic parents, the person who marries into this family is in for quite the adventure. I learned this from my own experience, but apparently a lot of stories are very similar to mine. Parents decide immediately whether or not they like the person their son brings home. That decision is often based on simply ridiculous, trivial things such as what kind of work does she do or where she grew up. It can be even more ridiculous such as something about her appearance being a problem. If she is too pretty, if she is over or under weight or maybe she is tall when their family is short. It also could be simply a matter of differences in personality. Rather than be polite for the sake of their son, they hate this new woman in his life. They also demand she respect them while not returning respect to her. And, their definition of respect is that she be seen & not heard, only doing what benefits the family. Her needs & wants mean nothing to this family.
In these situations, the family functions as one unit in an “it’s us against her!” manner. As I have said before, they remind me of the Borg from “Star Trek: The Next Generation”. They all function as one, focused only on what the Collective dictates. In this case, the Collective is usually a narcissistic mother pulling everyone’s strings to make them act according to her whim. One whim the “Collective” usually has is to tell the son & have others in the family tell him as well what a terrible person this new woman is. She isn’t good enough, she stole him from their family, she keeps him from them & similar lies are the most common, but some also will say more drastic things she is unfaithful, steals, uses drugs & more.
It never seems to cross their collective mind that this man could get fed up & walk away. And really, why would it? No doubt he has tolerated all manners of maltreatment & even abuse at the hands of his family. They place demands on him like giving them money or otherwise bailing them out of their problems with no thought to how this could affect him, & he does as he is told. Why wouldn’t he? This is what he has done his entire life. Often siblings in these situations call this one mean spirited nicknames his entire life, even as an adult, as an attempt to let him know that he is still a child in their eyes.
Families like this are entitled beyond belief. They honestly think they are entitled to treat this poor man any way they like. By default, they believe they are also entitled to treat his significant other just as badly. They have groomed this man to take any abuse they dish out without complaint, & expect the same behavior from his wife. If she complains, all hell can break loose.
At this point, families like this don’t consider anything that led up to the complaints. They only see the problem at hand, which is someone is setting boundaries on their abuse. The horrors!!
Sadly, the son in this situation doesn’t often realize how disrespectful & insulting his family is to him.
His family has no respect or love for him if they won’t at least try to be civil to the woman he loves. If they did, they would manage basic civility, unless of course that woman was abusive to him.
Clearly his family also thinks he’s stupid. After all, they expect him not to think for himself, but instead to blindly listen to them regarding his life. As if he doesn’t know what is best for him or isn’t smart enough to choose a good woman to marry! How insulting is that?!
It’s a truly sad situation! If you are in this situation, my heart goes out to you! I pray you & your spouse can work together to set healthy boundaries with this Borg-like family. Being clearly a team is the best thing you can do as a couple in this situation.
It seems that many people have some very black & white opinions when it comes to those of us raised by abusive parents. No doubt you have experienced some of that thinking first hand. Hasn’t at least one person told you that parents always love their children, you’re not honoring your parent by setting boundaries, your parent didn’t abuse you because they never hit you or other similar comments?
There is another example of black & white thinking & it comes with going no contact with your abusive parent. Many people assume that eliminating your parent from your life means you hate that parent. Not long after my mother died, I ran into an acquaintance. He said, “I’d say I’m sorry to hear about your mom, but I know you’re glad she’s gone.” I thought later that no doubt many people think exactly the same thing.
What people who think this don’t realize is the children of abusive parents don’t always hate their parents. Some do, yes, but not all. In fact, I would guess that most love their parents. It’s their behavior they hate.
These folks also fail to realize that because we don’t hate our abusive parents, we end up with a lot of confusing & mixed feelings about our parents. Those feelings are seldom validated, even by some who have survived similar situations to ours. Some I’ve spoken with actually got angry at me for not hating my parents like they did. Some also said I needed to accept that they’re just evil & forget about them. People can be very cruel sometimes!
For those who are in the position of having gone no contact with their abusive parent(s), I just want you to know that whatever you feel, your feelings are valid!
If you hate your parent(s), that is valid. It’s understandable to feel that way after someone inflicts horrific abuse on you!
If you love your parent(s), that too is valid. We all only get two parents & that gives them a very unique position in our lives. It’s understandable to love them even if they have hurt you terribly.
If deciding to go no contact was an easy decision for you, that is valid as well. You knew what you needed to do & followed through with it. That is great you were able to do that!
If deciding to go no contact was a tough decision for you, that is valid too. It’s a big decision, & not always an easy one to make. Some people naturally struggle with that decision more than others.
I also want you to know that protecting yourself is ok! It’s a good thing to do, even if you are forced to protect yourself from your parents. Not all parents are capable of loving their children or being good parents. It isn’t your job or duty to tolerate their abuse just because they’re your parents.
Protecting yourself from them also doesn’t make you a bad person, heartless, spoiled or a fake Christian. It doesn’t mean you’re dishonoring your abusive parents, either. It means you are putting your mental & emotional health above your parents’ sick need to abuse you, & there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Having chosen no contact with my parents, my heart truly goes out to others in that situation, because I remember the struggles, the guilt, the doubt, the intense anxiety & the useless & even cruel input of others at that time. Many people have been in this situation other than you & I. You’re not alone! If you need support, there are plenty of online options. There are counselors & pastors that can help as well. Mostly, there is a loving God who wants to help you. Let Him. You won’t be sorry!
This time, my publisher is offering 10% off all print books until March 19, 2021 when you use code SELL10 at checkout.
Check out my print books at the link below…
If you prefer ebooks, those are also availble at the link below…
Narcissists expect everyone to be just like them. Not only do they expect other people to lie, manipulate & project, but they expect other people to share their likes, dislikes, beliefs & more. When others aren’t exactly like them, narcissists shun & try to change those people.
My late mother in-law & two sisters in-law have been great examples of this in my life. My personality is naturally quite different than theirs. We never shared likes, dislikes, beliefs or really anything in common.
The three of them hated how different I was, & tried to make me like things they did. Usually by insulting things I care about, like my mother in-law insulting me for “liking to be all dirty” by helping my husband repair our car. There was also manipulation though. In passing, some time before Christmas one year, I’d mentioned to my mother in-law how I dislike cooking. Apparently she told her daughters, because that Christmas, all three of them gave me cooking paraphernalia. Cookbooks, utensils, food, seasonings & more. I refer to that Christmas as the Christmas of cooking.
They all are much more extroverted than me, too. Naturally I’m pretty quiet but compared to any extrovert, I seem excessively quiet. One sister in-law told my husband that I was a snob, thought I’m so much better than them & treated them all as, “Poor white trash”.
My own family is no better. My parents insulted my writing even before I started writing about narcissism. My mother called it a “waste of time”. My father asked me one day in a skeptical tone, “Does anyone even buy those books you write?” Others have insulted me for writing about the topics I do, in particular my faith. Obviously I’m not a good Christian in their opinion, because of what I write about.
There is nothing abnormal about this at all for narcissists. This is how they all seem to think. If you don’t fit inside their box, that means you’re bad, wrong, stupid & even crazy.
If you have witnessed this sort of behavior, it’s not your imagination. Really, this is how they & their flying monkeys act! You’re not overreacting! Maybe you were on the direct receiving end of the hatefulness. Maybe you have seen it happen to others, for example in an online forum. If you were a witness to this behavior & defended the person that was targeted, chances are you quickly were targeted. Anyone who disagrees with a narcissist is targeted. Their egos can’t handle that someone might think they are wrong about something, so rather than reflect & consider their own perspective, they prefer to attack an innocent person.
If this is your situation please know there is nothing wrong with you. Your flaws are only in the mind of the narcissist. Everyone is different, & that is ok! There is nothing wrong with you for having different likes & perspectives from a narcissist. There is nothing wrong with you for defending someone you think it was unfair of them to attack or at least judge & criticize. In fact, I think defending that person makes you a good person because it shows you won’t be one of those people who does nothing in the face of injustice. That is a rare & wonderful quality!
Just remember, when this happens to you that this isn’t proof that something is deeply wrong with you. It proves that something is deeply wrong with the one behaving in this manner. Healthy, functional people accept that not everyone is the same & even appreciate the differences in others. Only completely dysfunctional, closed minded & foolish people want everyone to be just like them.
My publisher is offering a sale on all of my print books. Use code ORDER15 at checkout.
My books can be found at the link below:
My publish is having their “Read An Ebook Week” sale from March 7 until March 13. This means that all of my ebooks will be 25% off!
Ebooks are the most affordable way to buy my books. Why not take advantage of the extra 25% off?
Come check them out!
Narcissists have an incredibly skewed view of loyalty.
Narcissists demand blind loyalty from people in their lives, no matter what. The average person has the sense to realize that if they do certain things, people in their lives won’t approve, & if they do really bad things, they will lose those people. While this seems like common sense, it’s not to narcissists. Those in their lives are supposed to be blindly loyal to them no matter what they do. No matter how badly they abuse & cause pain & suffering, their victims are supposed to remain by their side. They could set an orphanage on fire on Christmas Eve while kicking puppies & they would expect people in their lives to support this decision whole heartedly. Failure to support the decision is proof of disloyalty to the narcissist.
Narcissists demand people forgive & forget any egregious behavior on their part, no matter how horrific. A part of the blind loyalty narcissists demand from their victims is for them to forgive & forget, so the narcissist can continue abusing them without consequences. Any confrontation from the victim seems to be taken as a betrayal by the narcissist. They act like the victim has no right to complain about their behavior. Narcissists also expect others the victim may tell about the abuse also to forgive & forget, to make excuses for the abuse, to deny it ever happened or to blame the victim for making the narcissist behave in such a manner. Doing those things proves loyalty to the narcissist.
Narcissists seem to take their children growing up as a form of betrayal, as if the child has done this terrible thing on purpose just to hurt them. Children grow up. Everyone knows this. Except narcissists. To them, growing up proves their children are nothing but disloyal, disobedient & out to hurt their narcissistic parent.
All narcissists expect blind obedience, & lack of blind obedience is taken as a betrayal & sign of being disloyal. Overt & covert narcissists demand obedience in different ways, but make no mistake about it – they do demand it. Overts will use threats or raging while coverts use guilt, shaming & act disappointed in those who disobey them. Either way, whatever a narcissist wants someone to do for them, it’s expected to be done post haste, & not doing so is proof of disloyalty. Even if whatever the action is goes against someone’s morals or causes physical pain or financial loss, if the action isn’t done, the narcissist will see this person as disloyal.
Narcissists are of the mindset, “If you’re not for me, you’re against me.” Narcissists take a difference of opinion as a personal attack & proof of your disloyalty. They can’t seem to grasp that people don’t all think like them & it’s ok. Thinking differently than them is wrong in their mind & proof a person isn’t to be trusted.
Clearly the view of loyalty narcissists have proves their thinking is very messed up to put it nicely. Like their views on other topics like respect, their views on loyalty are incredibly dysfunctional & wrong.
Actually, the way narcissists view loyalty also explains a lot about the people narcissists are close to. They share these very skewed views of loyalty. They also have absolutely no integrity to be so incredibly loyal to someone like a narcissist even when they know the person is harming other people. Any person with a conscience couldn’t be so loyal to a person with such terrible character deficits.
If the narcissist in your life says you’re disloyal, then take it as a complement! It shows you’re not thinking the same warped way they are!
My publish is having their “Read An Ebook Week” sale from March 7 until March 13. This means that all of my ebooks will be 25% off! Come check them out!
Those of us who have suffered through narcissistic abuse know trauma, depression, misery & even what it feels like to consider suicide. We have gone through such horrific events that it can feel nearly impossible to find any good in life. Yet we are still blessed! Not because of the abuse, of course, but in spite of it.
Victims of narcissistic abuse always feel weak in the midst of their suffering because they are powerless, but truly, they are strong. It takes an incredible amount of strength to escape the abuse against all efforts of the narcissist to keep you in the relationship. It also takes a great deal of strength to escape with no self esteem, & when you believe you aren’t able to survive without the narcissist in your life. Having such strength, especially in spite of the narcissist’s efforts to destroy it, is a huge blessing!
Victims of narcissistic abuse are also incredibly brave. Narcissists aren’t always physically abusive. They don’t have to be. They can terrify victims with a simple look that can make a victim fear or their life. Going against someone that appears to be incredibly powerful & capable of causing you great pain & suffering is extremely brave! Being so brave is another huge blessing.
Victims of narcissistic abuse are very appreciative. After surviving horrific abuse, victims have a different mentality than the average person. Victims know how bad things can be & how cruel people can be. They have learned to greatly value all of the good things in life. Living life with an appreciative spirit is a wonderful thing that can bring a great deal of joy, & is another blessing.
Victims of narcissistic abuse are loyal. When someone who claimed to love you abuses you to the point of destroying your personhood, it’s hard to trust other people. Once a victim trusts someone & that someone is good to them, however, they are incredibly loyal. Good people are exceptionally precious to those who have suffered narcissistic abuse. Victims will adore & protect these people fiercely, which is why they often make wonderful friends & romantic partners. Friend & romantic partners appreciate such loyalty, so again, this is another blessing.
Victims of narcissistic abuse who turn to God have an extremely close relationship with Him. Of all of the things I have mentioned so far, this is the most wonderful one, in my opinion. I saved the best for last. In typical narcissist fashion, narcissists do their best to convince their victims to believe as they believe. The narcissistic atheist expects their victim to share their beliefs. There are also narcissists who know enough about the Bible to be able to twist Scripture around to the point of justifying their abuse. Such behaviors often convolute a victim’s view of God. For someone to survive this yet come away with faith on any level is impressive, but many have an extremely intimate relationship with God. He blesses these people greatly, too. Isaiah 9: 2-3 says, “The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned. 3 You have enlarged the nation and increased their joy; they rejoice before you as people rejoice at the harvest, as warriors rejoice when dividing the plunder.” (NIV) I can’t help but think God has a special place in His heart for those who have been abused, which is why He blesses victims in this way.
By sharing these thoughts, I’m not saying that any victim of abuse should be grateful for their traumatic experiences. I am saying though that it’s good to look at these blessings in your life & be so grateful for them. Be grateful that in spite of the narcissist’s best efforts, he or she couldn’t take these gifts from you. And, be proud of yourself for surviving all that you have! That, as you well know, is no easy feat!
It’s a simple fact of life that some family members abuse other family members. Every single person I have spoken with who reads my work has been abused by at least one relative. I have been too. And one thing the majority of us have in common is that we have severed ties with these monsters to protect ourselves.
So many people have experienced the same thing I have, people coming out of the woodwork to tell us we have done something terrible by severing ties. They seem to think since you’re related, that relationship is somehow sacred, & there is never any reason to end it. Many people even bring God into their warped views, saying you have to “forgive & forget” or “honor your parent” by tolerating whatever they do to you.
I want you to know today that is completely wrong!
Titus 3:10 says, “As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him,” (ESV) And, 2 Timothy 3:1-5 says,“3 But understand this, that in the last days dangerous times [of great stress and trouble] will come [difficult days that will be hard to bear]. 2 For people will be lovers of self [narcissistic, self-focused], lovers of money [impelled by greed], boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy and profane, 3 [and they will be] unloving [devoid of natural human affection, calloused and inhumane], irreconcilable, malicious gossips, devoid of self-control [intemperate, immoral], brutal, haters of good, 4 traitors, reckless, conceited, lovers of [sensual] pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 holding to a form of [outward] godliness (religion), although they have denied its power [for their conduct nullifies their claim of faith]. Avoid such people and keep far away from them.” (AMP) (Emphasis added)
Did you notice something in there about how this applies to anyone but family? Me neither. Probably because it’s not there!
So many of you reading this post today have ended relationships with your abusive family members, & are struggling with guilt & doubt. I totally understand. I’ve been in this same position. After I stopped speaking to my parents, I had a LOT of both guilt & doubt. Shortly after, I learned my father had leukemia, which added even more guilt & doubt. I also had relatives constantly telling me how awful I was & doing their best to shame & even bully me into resuming the relationship with my parents. The only reason I survived all of that with my sanity in tact is God.
When times got tough & people were being so cruel to me about being no contact, I depended on God to help me get through. Help me He did too! God would remind me that I did what was right, at the time it was right, & I did nothing wrong. They didn’t see that because of their own issues, not because I had done something bad. He even stopped me from making things worse by enabling me not to respond to their vicious attacks. He kept reminding me that if I responded, things would get worse, so ignore them. Save their emails, messages, etc. in case I need them one day, but don’t read them or respond to them.
Everything God did for me during the flying monkey attacks was exactly what I needed in my situation. He will do the same for you!
If you have come to the point of having no contact with some of your family, please rest assured God understands! Contrary to what some people think, He is ok with you removing toxic, abusive people from your life, even if they are family. When you’re struggling with your decision, talk to Him & ask His help. He won’t let you down! Let Him help! He can get you through anything, even this!
I noticed some interesting things when reading Matthew 5:38-39 in the Amplified translation of the Bible recently. The verses say, “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth [punishment that fits the offense].’ 39 But I say to you, do not resist an evil person [who insults you or violates your rights]; but whoever slaps you on the right cheek, turn the other toward him also [simply ignore insignificant insults or trivial losses and do not bother to retaliate—maintain your dignity, your self-respect, your poise].” The first interesting part was the definition of evil person. It says someone “who insults you or violates your rights.” That sounds like a narcissist to me. After all, they live to be insulting & violate the rights of others. It’s what they do & do so well.
I also like the next part of that verse that describes what turning the other cheek really means. That was the second interesting thing I noticed. That part of verse 39 says, “Simply ignore insignificant insults or trivial losses, & do not bother to retaliate – maintain your dignity, your self-respect, your poise.” That perfectly describes the Gray Rock Method! It provides no narcissistic supply while you maintain your composure. Narcissists can’t stand that! They absolutely hate it, but there is nothing they can do about it without looking foolish. This means they will leave you alone.
Like I’ve said many times in my work, it’s impossible to avoid narcissists. They’re everywhere. Even when we remove them from our lives, chances are excellent that others will pop up. Hopefully only in passing, like maybe a cashier or repairman. But, sometimes they pop up in other, closer relationships no matter how hard we try to avoid them. A close friend starts dating a narcissist, or that new coworker is a narcissist. In such situations, there is no escape. The best that you can do is find ways to deal with that person. The healthier you get, the more narcissists hate you, which may make the situation even more challenging for a while. They see you as a threat because you can see what’s behind their masks & you don’t fall for their manipulation. At some point though they will get bored with you & avoid you as much as possible.
In those situations, the best thing you can do is remember what the Bible says. People who insult you & ignore your rights are evil in God’s eyes. That is very clear in the verses from Matthew! That means you need to protect youself from these people.
Also, don’t forget the rest of the verse gives excellent advice in dealing with such people. Ignore them. Act like you didn’t even notice their cruel words or actions. Don’t allow them to manipulate you or give them any praise. Become boring to them, in other words. This deprives people like this of narcissistic supply. The more you deprive a narcissist of supply, the less that narcissist will want to do with you. You are a waste of their time at this point. They prefer to focus on people that will provide them with that narcissistic supply they crave so desperately. Be as boring as possible to the narcissists in your life. Doing so will keep you safe from their abuse.
Many people have very definite opinions on no contact but especially when it comes to parents. There are so many who claim no contact is the only option & there is no excuse not to sever ties with toxic parents. There are probably just as many who claim it’s not God’s will, no contact is dishonorable & there is absolutely no excuse to sever ties with your parents no matter what they have done to you.
If you are in the position of wondering if no contact is your best solution, no doubt you have read information on both sides of this argument. It can be truly overwhelming & confusing!
My purpose in this post is to help you decide whether or not no contact is necessary in your particular situation. Following are some questions you need to consider. When you answer them, the more honestly you answer, the more clarity you should have about whether or not you need to go no contact with your parent.
Is your parent willing to discuss your relationship? Narcissistic parents have no desire to discuss the relationship or work towards solutions. They don’t want to hear their victim’s complaints, & can shut down as soon as the conversation turns to their behavior. Functional people are open to discussion & are willing to listen, not only talk.
Does your parent deny any responsibility for problems in the relationship? Functional people admit when they are wrong. They apologize & try to make appropriate changes. Dysfunctional people, narcissists in particular, refuse to admit they have made mistakes. Instead, they refuse to admit any wrong doing, shift all blame to the victim or make lame excuses for their behavior.
When discussing the relationship, does your parent turn the situation around to where you are the abuser, them the victim? Covert narcissists in particular love to do this. No matter how valid your complaint about their behavior, they can spin the situation around to make you look abusive, while simultaneously making them look like the innocent victim of your abusive ways. Functional people do nothing like this.
Is your parent completely inflexible? For any relationship to work, both parties have to be rather flexible. One person can’t do all of the compromising & expect the relationship to be a healthy one. Yet, narcissists aren’t concerned with what is healthy. They’re only concerned with what they want, & what they want is a one sided relationship where their victim caters to their every whim. Functional people are willing to bend & compromise if it means the relationship will be better.
Is your parent very entitled? Functional parents accept that their children are grown with their own life, family & responsibilities. They don’t expect to be their adult child’s top priority. Entitled parents are much different. They think their adult children need to have them as top priority even over their spouse &/or children & are impossible. No matter how much their adult child does for them, it never will be enough nor will it please this parent. Even if their adult child does so much for them that their spouse divorces them, it still won’t be enough. It may please the parent, however, to have that spouse out of the picture so the adult child can focus on them even more.
Have you tried your best to fix this relationship yet it either didn’t change or got worse? One person can’t fix a relationship, but by altering their behavior, some change should come naturally to the relationship. If the relationship stayed the same or got worse, that is not a good sign. Narcissists don’t like their victims to change unless that change means the victim is more subservient. If your parent is like the dysfunctional ones I discussed, chances are excellent that no contact is your best solution. I don’t like to say anyone definitely should go no contact, because each person & each situation is unique. However, the dysfunctional behaviors I’ve discussed are big signs that there is no working things out with anyone who behaves that way. From here, I highly recommend lots of prayer & consideration of your unique situation. And, if you realize no contact is necessary for you, then you can have peace of mind knowing you did all you could & gave it a lot of serious consideration before implementing no contact.
Some time back, I decided to change my online diary to another website. Unfortunately I can’t export the old one & import it to the new. I have to copy & paste old entries manually. I considered starting from scratch but quickly abandoned the idea. It’s helpful to be able to read over old entries.
One thing I realized in reading those old entries was how helpful anger has been to me. Many of you may remember in 2016, I had a big argument with my parents that led to no contact. It was a very hard time for me, & I was full of a great deal of anger.
I don’t like feeling anger. In fact, I really hate it. When someone wrongs me, no matter how badly, I do my best to release that anger as quickly as possible. Yet after the argument with my parents, not only could I not release it, it got worse for a while. At the time it felt horrible & I was miserable. I couldn’t understand why I felt the way I did. Looking back though, I realize how valuable that anger was.
The anger I felt then helped me to stay no contact with my parents. I felt incredibly guilty for going no contact because they were in failing health. That anger helped me to maintain my distance. And, I later learned that maintaining no contact was what God wanted from me at the time. In fact, it led to my father’s Salvation at the very end of his life. (That incredible story is on my website at http://www.CynthiaBaileyRug if you’d like to read it.)
That anger also helped me to maintain boundaries when people insisted I should speak to my parents. We all know that flying monkeys think they know best what victims should do to please their narcissist. This behavior really goes over the top when a victim boots a narcissist out of their life. I experienced this in 2016 & 2017. The anger I felt at my parents helped me to keep a good perspective on the relationship I’d had with my parents, & not to cave when people tried to force me to resume it.
The anger I felt also helped me to think logically. That was very helpful, too! If I started to think the flying monkeys might be right, almost immediately I would ask myself what would it benefit anyone for me to return to the abusive relationship? What makes people think they have the right to suggest that to me? Logical thoughts like that are fantastic for giving a healthy perspective.
I know in Christian circles, talk like this is often very frowned upon. So many quote Colossians 3:13 that says we should be quick to forgive or they say anger is a sin. While I agree that forgiveness is a good thing, people shouldn’t be labeled sinful for feeling anger! Anger isn’t a sin. It’s simply an emotion. What a person does with anger can be sinful, but isn’t that true with pretty much anything? Owning a knife isn’t a sin either, but if that knife is used to kill someone, that becomes a tool to sin.
Rather than looking at anger as some black & white issue, I think it’s good to look at it more objectively. Consider the reason you’re angry & pray about it. Maybe you can learn something from the anger or the situation. Maybe it will help motivate you to change. Few things are as good a motivator as anger, after all.
While I’m not saying act carelessly out of anger, let it help you. Don’t let it be a waste. Let your anger teach or help you in whatever way it can. It can be uncomfortable to experience but it also can be a very good teacher & helper.
Many people talk about forgiveness as if it means you resume a relationship as if nothing happened. You also no longer feel any anger or hurt. It’s as if a magic wand has wiped away all evidence that the painful event happened! And, if this isn’t the case in your situation, clearly something is very wrong with you.
Unfortunately nothing could be further from the truth! Believing these lies has done a lot of emotional damage to victims of narcissistic abuse. I want to share the truth about forgiveness in this post.
Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily equal reconciliation. Some relationships have run their course & need to end for various reasons. One example is when one person in the relationship is abusive & shows no interest in changing their ways. Staying in a relationship with someone who abuses you simply makes no sense! Even if the abuser is a spouse or family member, it’s best to leave the abuser behind.
Forgiveness also doesn’t mean that a relationship needs to continue exactly as it was. When someone does something very bad to someone else, that bad behavior needs to stop. Continuing the abusive behavior over & over is terrible for the victim & also the abuser. The abuser learns that their behavior is perfectly acceptable. Clearly this is NOT good for either party!
Forgiving someone is much like forgiving a debt. If you lend someone money & they can’t pay you back, you can “forgive” their debt. In other words, you don’t expect them to repay you & you don’t mention that they owe you. That debt is a done deal. When someone wrongs you, you can do something similar by not expecting them to try to make it up to you for what they have done. Doing this really lifts a great deal of weight & stress from you!
Forgiveness also doesn’t necessarily mean that you never feel anger or hurt about the incident again. If you forgive someone as I mentioned in the previous paragraph, that does open the door to your anger & hurt diminishing or even disappearing in time. Some abusive actions are so egregious though, that there may always be a degree of hurt or anger attached to the memory. That doesn’t mean that you haven’t forgiven the person who hurt you. It means that the action was really terrible. Remember me sharing the story of when my mother threw me into a wall when I was 19? I honestly have forgiven her for that. Remembering the incident, however, still makes me cringe. Sometimes it even makes my back hurt in the location she injured it. That doesn’t mean I haven’t forgiven her, am holding onto bitterness or am not a good Christian. It means that was a really bad action!
When it comes to the business of forgiving, I do my best immediately to decided to forgive. Most likely there is nothing the person can do anyway to completely make it up to me for what they have done, so I mentally release them from that “debt” of sorts.
I also have found praying to be VERY helpful. I ask God to help me forgive naturally, but also tell Him how I feel. I say it was wrong of them to do or say whatever they did. I cry or rant to get my feelings out & that helps so much. He is never surprised or offended either. He lets me say whatever I need to.
Journaling is also helpful. I’ve learned that writing things down helps bring clarity to situations that speaking about them doesn’t. There is something so helpful about seeing things in writing!
If you don’t journal, you still can get the benefits of writing. Write letters you never send to the person who has hurt or abused you. Let it all out in them, too. Once you’re done, you can save the letter somewhere well hidden or you can dispose of it. I used to burn mine. It was like the anger & hurt went up in flames with the paper. Strange, I know, but still very helpful.
You don’t have to live up to the impossibly high standards some folks have of forgiveness. It’s unrealistic & unhealthy! Remember these truths about forgiveness.. I believe they will help you!