Category Archives: Christian Topics and Prayers

All things Christian. Prayer requests are welcome.

Being Judged For Not Having Children

I admit it.. I have another big pet peeve: people who label those of us without children as selfish.  After seeing a post on Facebook a little while ago that labeled someone else without children as selfish, I thought I would write a blog post about it.

 

Many people quickly judge people without children.  I’ve been called selfish, immature, told “the reason you don’t want kids is because of your mother” & also told I’d regret not having children one day.  None of that is even close to the truth, as is so often the case with those without children.

 

Some things to consider before judging are…

 

  • Maybe a person doesn’t have children because either she or her mate are infertile.  Infertility is an extremely painful thing for couples to experience.  It’s especially cruel to judge & criticize these people for not having children!  You’re plunging a knife into their hearts when you do that!
  • Some people don’t have children because they grew up in a dysfunctional environment & realize they don’t know how to be good parents.  If you grew up in an abusive or at least dysfunctional home, it’s hard to know how to be a good parent!  How is it selfish for someone who doesn’t know what it takes to be a good parent not to have children?
  • Some people always have felt more comfortable in the company of adults.  That is also me.  I preferred the company of adults, even as a child.  There are  a surprising number of people like me.
  • Not everyone can relate to children.  Some people who may not have spent a lot of time around children when they were growing up or were the youngest in their families may not be able to relate well to children due to not a great deal of experience around them.
  • Not wanting children doesn’t mean a person hates them.  A common belief for those of us without children is that we hate kids.  Sadly, some folks do feel that way.  That isn’t always the case though.  Personally, I don’t hate kids.  I just can’t understand them well.  Big difference between that & hating kids.
  • And, people who don’t want kids aren’t selfish!  We have given this serious consideration before coming to the decision not to have kids.  Another common misconception of childless folks is we’re just selfish jerks.  Nope.  We have given the topic of children a LOT of thought!  I even tried talking myself into wanting kids several times in my life, but it never felt right even as I said I wanted kids or dated men who wanted them.

 

If you speak with someone who doesn’t have children, please consider the things I’ve said & don’t judge or criticize them.  Everyone has different callings on their life.  Not every person feels called to be a parent.

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What It Really Means To Do Something For Someone’s Own Good

Romans 15:2  “Each of us should please our neighbors for their good, to build them up.”  (NIV)

One of the most common yet stupid things said to Christians in the situation of having a narcissistic parent is how you’re not a good Christian let alone son or daughter if you don’t do everything your parents want, right down to tolerating their abusing you.

Truly, some people have no concept of what it truly means to honor your parent.  They also must have missed Romans 15:2.  Take a moment to read that Scripture again…

“Each of us should please our neighbors for their good, to build them up.”

See that?  “..for their good…”  That doesn’t mean to do blindly for someone, it means to do things that benefit them.  Doing whatever your narcissistic parent wants doesn’t necessarily mean doing what is best for them.  Narcissists care more about what feels good at the moment than what is genuinely good for them.

So what is “for their good”?

  • Taking your elderly narcissistic parent to the doctor when sick.
  • Helping your parent by cutting their grass when their lawn mower is broken or washing their clothes when their washer is broken.
  • Buying them something you think your parent would like just to be a blessing.
  • Setting & enforcing boundaries.
  • Saying no.
  • Going no contact.

 

The last three items were pretty hard to consider good, weren’t they?  They really are good though, & I’ll tell you why.

 

All three of those behaviors are about boundaries, & boundaries are a VERY good thing.  Boundaries show others how you wish to be treated & gives people the option to treat you accordingly or not without forcing them to do something they don’t want to do.  Boundaries encourage good behavior while helping you not to be responsible for someone else’s behavior, feelings, etc.  In short, boundaries are a very loving behavior.  Granted, narcissist don’t see them that way, but it’s still true. (If you’re interested, I have a free “Boundaries” book study course & article about boundaries on my website.)

 

Saying no is also a good boundary behavior because nobody needs to go through life without being told no at some point.  Getting one’s way creates spoiled, entitled people with no regard for others (sound familiar??).  Narcissists don’t like to be told no, & will do whatever they can to avoid it, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t hear no.  The more they hear it, the less they will demand of you.  This works well for you & at the same time, teaches the narcissist that you won’t tolerate being pushed around.  A very good thing for the narcissist to learn.

 

No contact also can be for someone’s good sometimes.  No contact should be the final step after trying to work out the relationship, & often, sadly, it’s very necessary with narcissists.  It can be good for narcissists though, because it shows them they simply can’t go around abusing people & expecting them to tolerate it indefinitely.  Also, you never know- maybe with you not in that person’s life, God will be able to reach her & help her to see the error of her ways.  Sometimes it takes having people out of a person’s life for them to turn to God.  (Granted, that is extremely rare, but with God, all things are possible.)   No contact also removes the opportunity for that person to sin by removing you to abuse from her life.  These things are all for the narcissist’s own good.

 

Doing something for someone’s own good never means giving someone whatever they want or tolerating abuse.  These never benefit anyone!  If someone suggests otherwise, they clearly have no idea what it means to love someone God’s way.

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Praying For Others Can Be A Blessing

Some time ago, I wrote about the miraculous events that surrounded my father’s death last October.  (If you missed that post, I’d really like to urge you to read it now.  It’s quite a story!)

 

Recently I’ve been thinking about those events a lot.  One aspect of it in particular that is on my mind is how God told my friend to tell me never stop praying for my mother.

Looking at the situation now, her salvation seems utterly impossible.  She’s a narcissist.  We all know how they are- they know best about everything.  This makes them very closed off to listening to anyone tell them about salvation through Jesus, & my mother is no exception.  In fact, my mother has told me she has a “direct line” to God & “when she prays, God listens!”

*sigh*

 

This can be very discouraging.  On a positive note though, I also know what happened with my father which eliminates my discouragement.  While I know God is the One who did all the work to save my father, I prayed & asked many other people to pray for him as well.  Not trying to take any credit from God of course, but I do know that my prayers & those of others made a big difference for my father.  James 5:16 says, “Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.”  (KJV, emphasis added)  

As my prayers & those of my friends made a big difference with my father, so can yours with the narcissist in your life.

I know, praying for someone who has hurt you is a very, very hard thing to do.  Like it or not though, as Christians, we are commanded to do so….

 

Matthew 5:43-48  “Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.  44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; 45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.  46 For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?  47 And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?  48 Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.”  (KJV)

 

I would guess these verses aren’t anyone’s favorites… lol  They certainly weren’t mine for a long time.  Then a few years ago, I felt that God wanted me to start to pray for some people who have been abusive to me.  Much as I didn’t want to, I did it anyway, even when I didn’t mean it because I was still angry with them.  As time passed though, it got easier.  Then I felt He wanted me to pray for more people who had abused me, then more.  At the current time, I am praying daily for a lot of people who have treated me terribly every single morning.   And you know something?  It’s not hard to do anymore.  In fact, I have an alarm set on my cell phone to ring each morning to remind me to pray, but even with my terrible short term memory, I usually remember to pray long before the alarm goes off.  Often even before I get out of bed in the morning.

Praying for these people is something I look forward to now.  Since I began to do so, I have felt closer to God than ever.  Even if I am angry at them at the time I pray for whatever reason, I know God appreciates the fact I’m trying to do as He wants in spite of how I feel.

It also has helped to release the anger I felt towards these people.  I can’t explain how it works, but somehow it does work!  Of course, if something new happens, I may get angry- that’s just normal- but at least I’m not walking around full of unforgiveness & bitterness anymore.  (For the record, this also doesn’t mean some people will be allowed back in my life- forgiveness does NOT equal reconciliation.  It means I released the anger I felt at them, period.  Trusting them again would be foolish unless their actions changed dramatically.)

I’ve also realized that maybe no one else prays for them.  Have you ever considered that about the narcissist in your life?  I thought about this after my ex husband’s mother passed away in 2010.  She was a devoted Christian, but I am unsure if any other of his relatives are.  Since he said he didn’t believe in God, it’s safe to assume he didn’t seek out Christian friends.  There is an excellent chance he has no one praying for him aside from me!  That to me is heartbreaking!  And, if it could happen with him, it could happen with others as well.  So many narcissists claim to be atheists & have no patience for Christians so they don’t exactly surround themselves with them.  You may be the only person who prays for that narcissist in your life!  I tell you this not to make you feel obligated or guilty somehow- it’s just a simple fact & it may be possible in your situation.

 

I know it’s hard to pray for someone who has hurt you so deeply as only a narcissist can, but please, Dear Reader, try it.  Hopefully you’ll see the results of your prayers in that person’s life.  If you don’t, however, you can rest easy knowing you did the right thing, you can enjoy the new closeness to God & feel better with less anger inside of you!

 

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Rape In Marriage

**Obviously this post is about a sensitive topic.  If you have been sexually assaulted, this may be triggering for you.**

A topic rarely discussed yet is a huge problem is marital rape.  It’s certainly an ugly topic, & it definitely makes people uncomfortable.  Many people don’t even believe it’s a real thing, because they wrongly think if you’re married, your spouse can’t rape you.  Unfortunately marital rape also is a common phenomenon, especially among those married to narcissists.

Narcissists are the ultimate in selfishness, as anyone with any experience with one knows.  They expect everything to be their way, including sex.  Some narcissists use physical threats & violence to take what they want, others use guilt or shaming.

When a narcissistic spouse uses guilt or shaming to fulfill his sexual desires, this often goes unrecognized as abusive by the victim.  The problem is, it’s still as abusive as if he’d held a gun to your head.  It doesn’t matter if he’s your husband- no one should force you to have sex through either physical force or by using mind games!

The legal definition of rape means forced sexual contact against someone’s will.  It doesn’t say it only happens between strangers or only when a lethal weapon is used.  Rape can happen between married people, & does every day.  Rape often happens because the weapon of choice was a husband telling his wife, “If you loved me you would do this for me” even knowing it will cause her physical &/or emotional pain, yet not caring about that.  I have been in that position as well as having certain activities forced on me & both are incredibly difficult to cope with.

Some folks may even quote the Bible regarding this topic, but often it is taken completely out of context.  The first part of 1 Corinthians 7:4 says, ” The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband…”  (NIV)  The verse actually doesn’t end there, however.  And, the first 7 verses of this chapter in the Amplified translation clearly explain the point the apostle Paul was making: Now as to the matters of which you wrote: It is good (beneficial, advantageous) for a man not to touch a woman [outside marriage]. But because of [the temptation to participate in] sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. The husband must fulfill his [marital] duty to his wife [with good will and kindness], and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have [exclusive] authority over her own body, but the husband shares with her; and likewise the husband does not have [exclusive] authority over his body, but the wife shares with him. Do not deprive each other [of marital rights], except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, so that you may devote yourselves [unhindered] to prayer, but come together again so that Satan will not tempt you [to sin] because of your lack of self-control. But I am saying this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all the people were as I am; but each person has his own gift from God, one of this kind and one of that.” (AMP)  Obviously, rape is NOT God’s will.  These verses prove sex is God’s will to be a part in a loving marriage.

Sex isn’t supposed to hurt either physically or emotionally.  It isn’t supposed to be one sided or forced or something that forces someone to compromise one’s values.  It’s supposed to be two people who love each other giving & receiving pleasure & joy.  If only one person is enjoying it while the other person is miserable, that is wrong & abusive!

If you’re married to a narcissist, & this is happening to you, I’m sorry.  Rape is a horrible, horrible thing.  When done to you by someone who is supposed to love, cherish & protect you, it may be even worse than when done by a stranger because now you also have to deal with the feelings of betrayal.

If at all possible, please, PLEASE get away from your abusive spouse!  (If you’ve read my writing for any length of time, you know I don’t like to tell people “just go no contact” since I believe it’s an individual’s choice.  So, if I’m recommending getting away from a narcissist, it’s because I firmly believe it’s the wisest thing to do for your own safety!)  Look into marital rape laws in your area & press charges.

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Why Adult Children Of Narcissists End Up In Abusive Relationships

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Why Adult Children Of Narcissists End Up In Abusive Relationships

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“Just Let It Go!”

People say, “Just let it go!” all the time to those who have been through bad experiences or abuse, but what do they really mean?  I think many people who say that don’t say it to try to help you.  Instead, I think they really mean, “Stop talking about it.  It makes me uncomfortable!”

 

Unfortunately, this statement can make a person feel ashamed of themselves for being unable to “just let it go.”  They feel like something is wrong with them, or maybe they’re a bad Christian when the truth is, they’re simply human.

 

The fact is, most people just can’t “let go” of pain.  It’s not that we want to hold onto it at all- we have no choice in the matter.  It’s kind of like a splinter.  You can’t wish it away or let it go- you actually need to deal with it to get rid of it.

 

If you really want to let something go, once & for all, it takes work.  You need to feel the anger, feel the hurt & get it out of you.  It can be intimidating at first, especially if you weren’t allowed to show your emotions as a child, but it does get easier in time.

 

When it happens with me, I make time to write in my journal.  Writing is often easier than saying things out loud for me, so although often prayer is my first place to start, journaling is in this particular situation.  I let it all out- name calling, bad language & all.  Sometimes I’ll write as though I’m speaking to the person, sometimes I just vent about them & what they did.  I just follow whatever feels right, & let it all out.  I pray after, & ask God to help me.  For many things, this helps to purge me of the anger & hurt completely.  For other things, I have to repeat it a few times.  I’ve learned not to judge it- abuse does bad things, & everyone heals differently.

 

Maybe what I do will help you as well.  It’s worth a try anyway, right?  If you’re sure it won’t, then do whatever does work for you.  Or, ask God to show you what you need to do.  Healing is a very individual thing, & there’s nothing wrong with you if something other than what I do helps.

 

Remember, Dear Reader, if you can’t “just let it go”, there’s nothing wrong with you.  It’s OK!  It’s perfectly normal to have to feel things to heal.

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Responding vs Reacting To Narcissistic Behavior

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Having Balance With Helping Others

The Bible talks a great deal about how we are to deal with other people.  One of those things it discusses is how we are to help each other when struggling.

 

Galatians 6 says these two things….

 

  • Galatians 6:2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. (NIV)
  • Galatians 6:5  for each one should carry their own load.  (NIV)

 

At first glance, these Scriptures only a couple of verses apart may seem contradictory, but they really aren’t.  Verse 2 says we should carry each other’s “burdens” while verse 5 says each person should carry their own “load.”  Although the difference is slight between those words, it’s also significant.

 

According to merriam-webster.com, one meaning of burden is “something oppressive or worrisome.”  And, also according to merriam-webster.com, load means “a considerable amount.”  I take this to mean that in the context of these Scriptures, a burden is something excessively difficult or challenging to deal with while a load is a more typical struggle.  Trying to survive the pain of losing someone you love versus cleaning your house, as examples.

 

When you’re raised to only focus on the needs of your parents, you tend to grow up thinking it’s your job to take care of people while ignoring your own needs.  It’s terribly unhealthy!  These  Scriptures provide an excellent perspective on helping people.

 

When someone asks for your help, if they are suffering with a burden, then by all means, please help them if you feel God wants you to & you are able to do so.  However, if someone frequently wants your help for small things that they are well able to do themselves, then it’s not good to help them.  You are enabling them to be irresponsible by taking care of things they should take care of & to take advantage of you.  Let people carry their own “load”!  It truly is a more loving thing to do than to enable irresponsible behavior because it encourages them to do what is right- not using you or other people.

 

Many people won’t be pleased if you tell them you are unable or unwilling to help them, but that is not your problem.  I know, you will feel guilty at first, but please remember that in spite of what your narcissistic parent(s) taught you, your job is NOT to be responsible for everyone but yourself.  It’s unhealthy (mentally & physically) & out of balance to ignore yourself & your needs for others constantly!

 

Please remember, Dear Reader- you aren’t responsible for taking care of other people.  You are responsible for helping when you can when it is necessary only.  You have the right to say “no”.  God did not put you here to be used, but instead to be a blessing to others.

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Talking About Narcissism

“If I were to remain silent, I’d be guilty of complicity.”
― Albert Einstein

 

Silence is a narcissistic abuser’s best friend.  Silence not only allows abusers to continue to abuse, it basically encourages them to abuse.  When abusers don’t have consequences or anyone saying, “What you’re doing is wrong”, what motivation could they possibly have for changing their behavior?

 

By silence, I am not only referring to the silence of the victim, but others as well.   If the child of one of your relatives is being abused, but no one speaks up, the abuse will most certainly continue.  If no one gets involved, why should the abuser stop abusing?  The abuser is getting what he or she wants, which is all that matters to that person.  There is no motivation to stop abusing.

 

Some people may find this speaking out to be immature, holding a grudge or even “un-Christian”  behavior, but it really isn’t.  Ephesians 5:11 says,   “Take no part in the worthless pleasures of evil and darkness, but instead, rebuke and expose them.”  (TLB)  

 

Narcissism must be rebuked & exposed!  Allowing narcissists to continue to abuse their victims without consequences does no one any good whatsoever!  Abusers continue to hurt people & victims continue to suffer so long as no one speaks out.

 

As victims, we must speak out about our experiences.  Other victims need to know that they aren’t alone, they aren’t crazy or to blame for the abuse as their abusers have told them they are & that there is life after narcissistic abuse.  They also need to know ways to cope with a narcissist if they are unable or unwilling to be no contact & no one but another victim can share successful ways to do that.

 

If you aren’t a victim, however, but you know someone who is, you’re not off the hook!  If you know someone who is being abused, support & help that person however you can.  Listen, offer advice if that person asks for it, pray for & with that person & even learn about NPD.

 

And, everyone must understand what narcissistic abuse & NPD really are.  The meaning of the word “narcissism” has been so tainted.  Many people think being narcissistic is the same thing as being selfish when in fact, it is so very much more than simple selfishness.  The true meaning of narcissism is so diluted & that needs to change!  Raising awareness by talking about narcissistic abuse & NPD openly will help to make that change.

 

So remember, Dear Reader- speak out about narcissistic abuse!  Help to raise awareness!  Help victims!

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Knowing God Gives You Confidence

Hosea 2:20  “I will even betroth thee unto me in faithfulness: and thou shalt know the Lord.”  (KJV)

 

Growing up with narcissistic parents takes a toll on your self-esteem.  Often, it completely obliterates it.  This causes so much needless suffering!  Aside from feeling miserable, it makes you make mistakes, by giving you the belief that you can’t do anything right.  This in turn solidifies that belief that you can’t do anything right, & makes you feel even worse.  It’s an ugly, vicious cycle.

 

One way to help yourself to regain the self esteem that was stolen from you is to talk to God.

 

As a child of God, there is PLENTY in the Bible that states what God thinks of you.  And, Dear Reader, He thinks a great deal of wonderful things about you!  He loves you so much, & wants you to know that.  One way He shows it is by talking about you in the Bible.  I created a list of these Scriptures & added them to my website.  Feel free to check it out at this link:  http://cynthiabaileyrug.com/Positive-Affirmations.php

 

Also, ask God what He thinks of you, & to help you to be more aware of His love.  You will be surprised!  You may notice more people saying & doing nice things for you.  Blessings may come your way that you weren’t expecting.  Maybe both!  In any case, you will be blessed.

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Understanding Your Abuser vs Justifying Their Abuse

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How Families Protect Their Narcissist

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Getting To Know Yourself After Narcissistic Abuse

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Holiday Thoughts

For many people, the holiday season is a glorious time of year.  The time to enjoy friends, family & celebrations.  For others like me who have survived demanding, controlling, entitled or even narcissistic parents &/or in-laws however, the mere thought of the holidays brings about a feeling of dread.

 

My first & current mothers in-law both always demanded my husband’s & my presence every Thanksgiving & Christmas, no matter what.  Divorcing my ex & cutting my current in-laws out of my life in 2002 naturally ended their demands for me at least but the damage was done.  The enjoyment I once felt for the holidays was gone.  Years of spending holidays with people who obviously hated me or alone while my husband spent the day with his family destroyed all pleasure I’d once had in holidays.

 

I know that my story isn’t all that unusual.  So many others have been through very similar situations that I thought sharing some thoughts I’ve had on this topic might help you, Dear Reader.

 

When you develop this holiday bitterness, people aren’t always understanding.  Most people seem to want everyone to look forward to holidays with enthusiasm & joy, & if you don’t, they can be shaming.  Many others I know & I have been scolded for not trying to enjoy holidays, told they need to just focus on the joy of the day, everyone loves holidays, etc etc.  What these people fail to realize is this holiday bitterness didn’t happen over night.  We have tried to enjoy the holidays repeatedly, but demanding people ruined it by commanding us to do what they want us to do & treating us badly when we didn’t do it (well, often worse than usual since bad treatment is the norm with narcissists).  It came about when in-laws demand we ignore our own family in favor of them, & treated us badly & acted like something is wrong with us for not wanting to spend a holiday with them.  They also shame us for wanting to spend a holiday with our immediate family- our spouse & kids- rather than with them.  These people think shaming us & ordering us around is OK.  Really, how does that make any sense?

 

I’m not saying holiday bitterness is a good thing.  Frankly, it stinks!  I miss looking forward to the holidays & hate how I dread what was once a time of year I looked forward to.  What I am saying though is that there is no shame if you feel differently about holidays than the average person does.

 

Sometimes, too many bad seeds have been sown to overcome.  Something unpleasant is the only possible harvest when that happens.  Of course it’s a good idea to try to counteract the bad feelings, but if nothing works, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you or that you’re a bad person.  If you can’t conquer holiday bitterness, it just means that some really bad things have been done that caused you to feel this way.

 

Dear Reader, I’m sorry you feel this nasty holiday bitterness.  I hope you can conquer it by starting your own traditions, avoiding negative people around the holidays, suggesting holiday gatherings with extended family on a different day near the actual holiday while you spend the holiday with your immediate family, etc.  If you can’t however, then at the very least, please don’t beat yourself up over it.  It’s simply a normal reaction to abnormal circumstances, & it happens more often than you might think.

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Do You Appreciate & Respect Nature?

I have friends who follow the Pagan religion.  Naturally, they follow Pagan pages on Facebook.  Often they share things that inspire them or that they like.  It’s not often “join our religion, it’s awesome!!” type posts.  In fact, that is rare.  99% of the time what they share are stunning nature themed pictures.  A white owl, baby foxes playing, a pretty path in the woods, a wildflower meadow, a starry night… beautiful scenes.

 

It just crossed my mind that the Christian pages I follow don’t share such images.  They share lovely & inspiring things, of course, but I haven’t seen anything like what the Pagan pages share- simple beauty in nature.

 

I understand that Paganism has entirely different fundamental beliefs than Christianity.  That’s why I’m Christian & not Pagan- Christian beliefs make sense to me, Pagan ones don’t.  That being said though, there is one thing that I think Christians need to learn from Pagans.  They appreciate & respect nature.  They enjoy its beauty & what it has to offer.  They understand that herbs & plants have healing properties & use them.  (True, they can be used for spells & such, too, but simply to enjoy the healing benefits, there isn’t any magic involved.)

 

Why don’t more Christians do that same thing?  I mean, we obviously believe God created everything- why don’t more Christians take the time to appreciate what God has created?   Why aren’t more Christians concerned with animal abuse?  And, why do so many object to herbal remedies when they are often much safer & more effective than pharmaceuticals?

 

It’s sad to me how few Christians think that way.  I actually unfollowed one Christian page on Facebook some time ago because so many said terrible things about animals- how stupid they are, we don’t need them, “the only way I like animals is barbecued” & other awful things.  And, those who professed to love animals were mocked & shamed.

 

Personally I don’t see anything at all wrong with appreciating & respecting nature.  I love staring at the sky on a clear, starry night.  A full moon is also one of my favorite sights, as is the colors of changing leaves in the fall.  I also love the sounds of a thunder storm or quiet beauty of a blizzard.   Obviously, I love animals- I brag about mine plenty!  lol  I also use valerian root capsules & lemon balm for anxiety & St. John’s Wort capsules for depression rather than prescription medications, & have mentioned that in several of my books.

 

Doing such things hasn’t compromised my faith in God one bit.  In fact, it makes me feel closer to God when I stare in awe at the moon & stars. Taking in the beauty of nature helps keep me grounded, calms my anxiety & makes me very grateful for the wonders around me.  Being close to my furkids makes me grateful that He has seen fit to bless me with these adorable critters.  They bring me an incredible amount of joy.  I’m also grateful for the natural remedies to help my mental health, especially knowing I don’t run the risk of awful side effects so many prescription anti-anxiety & anti-depression meds have.

 

Dear Reader, I hope if you haven’t considered these things before, you will now.  God made the Earth & everything in it (Psalm 24:1).  What could possibly be wrong with using & appreciating the beautiful, useful things He has made, even thanking Him for them?

 

 

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Let Jesus Help You Heal

John 8:12  “Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.”  (KJV)

 

We all know that light conquers darkness.  If you were in a pitch dark room & lit a match, that tiny match would dispel a surprising amount of darkness.

 

Jesus referred to Himself in the above Scripture as the light of the world for a reason.  Light also gives life- look at plants, as an example.  Without light, they won’t survive.  Like light, Jesus gives life- eternal life.  If you follow Him, He will make clear what path to take in your life.  He also can show you things you might not have noticed before.  (If it wasn’t for Him, I don’t know if I’d know anything about narcissism.)

 

In your journey of healing from narcissistic abuse, have you asked the Lord to help you?  He truly wants to!  And, although even He can’t make it easy, He can help to make it less painful & difficult.  I can tell you from my own experience, I wouldn’t be where I am now without His help.  He’s shown me what I needed to do & how to do things.  He’s answered my questions, let me rant when I was angry or hurting & comforted me when no one else could.

 

If you haven’t asked Jesus for help in your healing journey, maybe now is the time for you to do that.  He wants to help, so let Him!  Ask Him to show you what you need to do & how you need to do it.  Ask Him for comfort, wisdom, strength, courage & anything else you need.  He will be more than glad to help, so why not let Him?

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Parents Who Demand Their Adult Children Spend Holidays With Them

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Signs Of Toxic People

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Some Recent Miracles That I Believe Will Encourage You

I’ll warn you up front- this post may sound rather strange to you & will be long.  That being said, I want to share my story to encourage & help people understand just how much God truly loves His children!

As I mentioned previously, my father died on Monday, October 23.  That day was strange as were the following days.

Early that Monday afternoon, a neighbor of ours came by to visit as he frequently does.  He could tell I’d been crying & asked what was going on.  I told him that my father was being taken off life support that day, & I was sick of people attacking me for not being there.  He gave me some good advice that I want to share with you in case you’re going through a similar situation.  (Pardon the bad language in advance- this is just how he talks.  He’s not one to sugarcoat things, obviously, but he has a good heart.) He said, “”Girl, you gotta protect your heart. Don’t let that s**t get inside you. Crazy a*s people need to mind their own f*****g business.  They don’t know s**t about your situation.  You do what you need to & f**k them!”  My neighbor was absolutely right.  In these situations, people do need to mind their own business (not that they usually do unfortunately)!  You also have to protect your heart & not let their hatefulness get inside you.

A little later that same afternoon, before I knew my father was gone, a good friend of mine got a word from God.  He told her that He left my father on life support for so long to try to get him saved.  My father talked to God about many things but mostly why I wouldn’t see him.  He even argued with God & even said he was a good father.  God showed him otherwise.  My father also didn’t want to die with unfinished business- he wanted to see me, & God told him that wasn’t going to happen.  He showed him Heaven & Hell & told him to choose.  He eventually repented & chose Heaven.  About one hour later, my father was dead, passing quietly once life support was removed.

While my friend got this word, I was outside with my husband & our neighbor.  I saw a monarch butterfly & it felt odd.  Usually butterflies are something my grandfather & I shared, but this didn’t feel that way somehow.  I’d also had an odd sensing off & on of my father fighting with God, as I had for the previous few days.  I came inside my house a bit later,  & saw my friend’s message.  She said yes, my father was indeed fighting in the spiritual realm for quite some time.  God told her to tell me my father will see me again one day & he’s very sorry.  Also it’s because of all the prayers he finally got saved, & I am to continue praying for my mother.  (Never give up praying for someone, Dear Reader!!  God truly hears those prayers!!)

Later on Monday, I took a shower.  When I was about to get into the tub, I suddenly remembered something important.  I’d asked God to give me a sign if my father was with Him after he died.  That was the monarch butterfly!  And, God spoke to me saying that me not having any contact with my father for his final few months served an important purpose- not only to protect myself, but also to force my father to reach out to God.

I messaged my friend with this new information once I got out  of the shower.  She agreed that I have my sign, the monarch, that my father is with God, & also to never give up praying for my mother.  God also told her those who judged & harassed me had better stop He’ll intervene.  Thankfully she also prayed a hedge of protection around me.

My friend also said she asked God,  “Why do they wait until the last minute!?”  The Lord told her, “Because they allowed the devil to take them captive to do his will,”  (2 Timothy 2:25-26  “in humility correcting those who are in opposition, if God perhaps will grant them repentance, so that they may know the truth, 26) and that they may come to their senses and escape the snare of the devil, having been taken captive by him to do his will.” (NKJV) )

And, she saw this verse come up on biblegateway.com (great site, by the way!!)  “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ”. Galatians 6:2 (NKJV)  This is what she did for me- bore my burden on a day I needed help bearing it.

These Scriptures also came to her attention:

Matthew 19:23-30 “With God All Things Are Possible 23) Then Jesus said to His disciples, “Assuredly, I say to you that it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. 24) And again I say to you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” 25) When His disciples heard it, they were greatly astonished, saying, “Who then can be saved?” 26) But Jesus looked at them and said to them, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” 27) Then Peter answered and said to Him, “See, we have left all and followed You. Therefore what shall we have?” 28) So Jesus said to them, “Assuredly I say to you, that in the regeneration, when the Son of Man sits on the throne of His glory, you who have followed Me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. 29) And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife[a] or children or lands, for My name’s sake, shall receive a hundredfold, and inherit eternal life. 30) But many who are first will be last, and the last first.” (NKJV)

My friend also said God did indeed say everything I thought He’d said.  My father didn’t want to die, especially without seeing me.  He thought he was dying too soon & didn’t realize his eternity was depending on his choice at that time.  Thankfully, he did realize the truth though!

She also researched the symbolism of monarch butterflies. Monarchs are royalty – that is why God sent me the monarch butterfly as my sign, to say that my father is now a member of God’s royal family!

Tuesday, the following day, my husband took off work.  We went out & when we were coming out of one building, I saw another monarch butterfly!  What makes that especially interesting is that earlier in the morning, thinking about everything, I asked God if it was real & if so, give me a sign.  Honestly, it was hard to believe & quite overwhelming.  So God sent me another monarch!  Then at a traffic light, I saw a little yellow butterfly & heard my Granddad’s  voice say “Good job, Kid!” I immediately knew what he meant- good job keeping up the prayers in spite of everything.

Wednesday, after quite a bit of prayer, I wanted to visit the cemetery where my father was to be buried.  I had my father’s Bible for many years, because he’d asked me to put it in the casket with him when he died.  I opened the Bible & found many cards, paperwork, etc.  I cleaned out the things that didn’t look sentimental & found a sheet of notes my father wrote documenting some of the abusive things my mother had done to me.  Then, my husband & I went to the cemetery.  The cemetery staff kindly directed me to the proper funeral home that would take care of that, & a very lovely lady helped me make this possible. She even stated that it would be placed in the coffin where it couldn’t be seen, & no one would know it was there.  And, she gave me some memory cards.  My mother was due to visit the cemetery that day but God spared me from running into her!

Then on Friday, the day my father was buried, I looked out the kitchen window & saw yet another monarch on the marigolds in my back yard.  I grabbed the camera & couldn’t see him when I got back to the window.  I saw some movement in the flowers so I went outside with the camera.  Finally as I got close, the butterfly flew out of the middle of the flowers directly towards me, then off over the house.

An interesting fact- monarch butterflies aren’t overly common in my area, let alone in October.  They migrate south towards Florida from September-November, but here, usually by October, I don’t see any.

Anyway, when I came back into my house after seeing that monarch, I asked my Amazon Echo Dot to play music by Wham!  I thought some fun ’80’s music might be good for me.  Instead, it played Waylon Jennings’ song, “Only Daddy That’ll Walk The Line.”  I don’t know this song, which is truly strange since my father loves Waylon Jennings & I thought I’d heard every one of his songs.  This song is about a guy with a vicious, hateful wife & he stays with her in spite of it all.  I remembered my father saying once my mother told him if he left her, he’d never see me again.  I knew God & my father wanted me to know that he felt trapped & unable to protect me from my mother.

Later that afternoon I decided to get out the papers I’d found in my father’s Bible.  I only found one page of notes my father kept about conversations with my mother, even though it looks like there were others (there was a part of a sentence at the top of the page).  Reading them hurt a lot, but I think I see more about why my father didn’t protect me or even really himself from my mother.  In fact, as I was writing this post & considering those notes, God spoke to my heart & said, “Your father didn’t have your inner strength.”

All of these bizarre occurrences have been extremely helpful.  It’s such a relief knowing my father is in Heaven.  I really didn’t think he’d make it.  It also showed me how kind & merciful God is.  I’d been praying for my father for quite some time.  For his salvation, I also asked God to take him before the Alzheimer’s got too bad, not to let him suffer when his time did come yet not to take him before getting saved.  Those prayers were all answered.  Every single one of them!!  God even gave me signs that they were answered- my intuition, the monarch butterflies & mostly the word from God to my friend.  And, although it was very hard for me to stay away from my father when he was dying, I know it was for an important purpose!  I’m sure many people won’t believe that since they thought I should obey them & go to him no matter what.  I know the truth though, & that is God wanted me to stay away as a way to reach my father!  God is truly amazing!

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An Update & Valuable Lessons

Remember my recent post about my father?  Last Monday, October 23, my father passed away.

 

I didn’t visit him once in the hospital.  As I’ve said before, no contact means no contact, no matter what.  It’s been very hard though.  I wished I could’ve said goodbye, but I knew not doing so was my only option.  Every time I doubted & asked God if I should go, not only would He tell me no, signs came out of everywhere telling me not to go.  It was pretty incredible!  He told me mentally & physically, I couldn’t take it.  The stress as well as the vicious people involved would be too much for my mental & physical health.  Even so, staying away was still hard.  Apparently it bothered others as well judging by the many hateful messages I’ve gotten from people who don’t even know me.  Little did I know that more was happening, & staying away truly was the right thing to do in many ways, not just for myself.

 

I’ll discuss it in more detail in the next post, but I received a word of knowledge that my father was born again at the very end of his life.  Me staying away was a part of why that happened, because it meant my father finally cried out to God.

 

The reason I’m telling you this, Dear Reader, is not only to give you an update, but also to let you know that God is truly good & faithful.  If you know in your heart He wants you to do or not to do something, listen to it!  Even if you don’t understand why, know He has a very good reason.  Don’t cave into pressure from anyone!  They don’t know your situation because they haven’t lived it- why would their input have any value?  They also aren’t you, so even if they know your situation, they would handle it differently because you two are different people.  They don’t know your heart & mind well enough to know what is best for you.  God, however, does.  Listen to & trust Him & only Him!  He is well worth listening to & trusting!

 

Also, never give up praying for someone.  You may not see them give their life to Jesus, but that doesn’t mean they didn’t do it.  It happened with my father one hour before he died, while comatose.  If that was possible, isn’t anything possible?  After all, Matthew 19:26 says, “But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.” (KJV)

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Why You Should Stay No Contact With A Narcissist No Matter What

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About Judgement

If you notice, many Christians are terrified of being called judgmental.  They often quote Luke 6:37 which says, “Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven:” (KJV)

 

While the Scripture & others like it are certainly good, there are other places in the Bible that mention we should judge.  Did you realize that?

 

  • Leviticus 19:15 “Ye shall do no unrighteousness in judgment: thou shalt not respect the person of the poor, nor honor the person of the mighty: but in righteousness shalt thou judge thy neighbour.”
  • John 7:24  “Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment.” 
  • Acts 4:19 “But Peter and John answered and said unto them, Whether it be right in the sight of God to hearken unto you more than unto God, judge ye.”
  • 1 Corinthians 2:15 “But he that is spiritual judgeth all things, yet he himself is judged of no man.”

 

This is no conflict in God’s word.  In studying what it means to judge & praying about it, I think I figured this topic out.

 

Being judgmental is looking down on someone.  As an example, being an author, books have always been an important part of my life.  If I looked down on those who don’t like to read or thought I was smarter than them, that is being judgmental.  Thinking less of a person who is covered in tattoos or has a lot of piercings than of someone who dresses conservatively is also judgmental, as is thinking someone with an expensive new car is better than someone driving a 27 year old compact car.

 

Then there is the activity of judging.  Judging is more like discerning.  Before trying something new, when you decide whether or not that activity is good for you, that is judging.  It’s also judging which car to or house to buy.  Deciding which job offer is going to be the best one for you to take is judging.  Some people also have a natural inclination towards judging in their personality.  I am one of them.  I judge about every situation automatically.  Even if a friend wants my advice about a problem.  I tell her what options I think she has, which I think is the best one for her situation & why I think it is her best option.

 

There is nothing wrong with judging.  In fact, it is necessary to make good decisions.  Being judgmental though?  It’s not good at all.  It not only hurts people but it goes against God’s will for His children.

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One Person Cannot Fix A Relationship

Many of us raised by narcissistic parents have similar experiences.  One experience so many of us share is being told we need to fix things.  We need to find out what works & repair the damaged relationship with our narcissistic parent.

Maybe because so many people have such a warped view of the parent/child relationship they think the children should be the ones to fix it when there is a problem.  Or, maybe it’s simply because people realize that we are the reasonable, sane ones & the narcissist isn’t, they think we should fix it.  Either way, the expectation is absolutely absurd.

The simple fact is that one person can’t fix a relationship.  It takes two people to make a relationship work, not one, especially when one person in the relationship is a narcissist.

Narcissists are unlike normal people in many ways.  One of which is they do not have the capacity to care what others think or feel.  All they want is what matters, period.  Healthy relationships require both people to actively work on it & consider what the other person’s needs are.  That will NOT happen in a relationship with a narcissist no matter how much you might want it to.

The only way to have any success in a relationship with a narcissist is to completely forget yourself & focus on them completely.  Ignore any wants, needs, thoughts or feelings you have & keep the narcissist as your top priority 100% of the time.  Even this success will be fleeting, however, because narcissists constantly change the rules.  What makes them happy today may not make them happy next week, then three weeks later, that thing makes them happy again.  I have tried this personally in my younger & more dysfunctional days, & can tell you that every word I write is true.  No matter how much you give or how you change to please the narcissist, it won’t work.  Nothing is ever good enough.  It is absolutely impossible to please a narcissist.

So, Dear Reader, the next time someone tells you that you need to fix the relationship with your narcissistic parent, please remember what I have said.  Chalk their foolish words up to a lack of wisdom.  They clearly have no idea what they are saying, & how impossible the task is.  Or, if they are a flying monkey for the narcissist, & they do know how she is, they are abusers themselves.  Abuse isn’t always about actively abusing someone- it can be more passive, such as encouraging a person to stay in an abusive relationship.

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Dysfunctional Ways Narcissists Cope- Reinventing The Past

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When A Narcissistic Parent Is Dying

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When A Narcissistic Parent Is Dying

At of the time I’m writing this, my father is in the ICU on life support, dying from leukemia.  As a result, now I am having to put into practice the things I’ve written about before.

 

When I went no contact with my father earlier this year (prior to his diagnosis), I knew this scenario was very likely to happen.  My father has had a myriad of health problems for years, & is, well, no spring chicken anymore.  So, I prepared- I prayed & thought a lot about what would I do if this happened?  Should I resume the relationship with my parents at the end of their lives, even knowing they won’t improve their behavior or will get worse?  Could my physical & mental health tolerate that?  Should I stay away no matter what?  If I did stay away, could I handle the guilt?  How would I handle the pressure from outsiders telling me to go when I knew I couldn’t do it?

 

Aside from the pain of losing my father, I’ve had many people come out of the woodwork to tell me to go to the hospital to see him.  I should “put my feelings aside so he can die in peace,”  “I only have one set of parents” & more.  One even anonymously emailed me (as if I wouldn’t know who it was?!) information about NPD that she copied from the Mayo Clinic’s site, insinuating that I’m a narcissist for not going.

 

This is the kind of stuff that happens when a narcissistic parent is dying, & you, Dear Reader, need to be prepared for it since it can happen to you as well.

 

To start with, pray.  Ask God to show you what you should do if & when your narcissistic parent becomes terminally ill, & ignore advice from everyone when the time comes.  God knows best what you should do- no human being knows what He knows.  Let Him guide you.  Also ask Him to give you whatever it is you will need when that time comes- wisdom, courage, strength, etc.  You’ll especially need those things if you opt to see your parent or become involved in a caregiver role.

 

Stay close to God.  Talk with Him often.  Let Him strengthen & comfort you, because you’re going to need those things more than you ever have in your life.

 

Ignore the pressure from everyone.  You do what you believe God wants you to do & ignore everyone else.  They haven’t been in your situation, so they don’t understand it.  That doesn’t prevent them from judging it, however.  Ignore them.  You have to answer to God, not people, so obey Him.  You’ll never please people anyway.  Even if you became your parent’s full time caregiver, people would still criticize you, especially the ones who aren’t involved with helping.  (Interesting how that seems to  work- the ones who do nothing usually are the fastest to judge & criticize those who do it all.)

 

Don’t hesitate to block people’s phone numbers, emails or social media.  Yes, it just sucks.  It hurts cutting your own family or friends out of your life, but, you have to protect yourself.  Blocking them will hurt less than allowing them to fill your phone or inbox with hurtful, manipulative, guilt/shame laden messages.  Also, be aware that they may find other ways to access you that you hadn’t thought of.  One of my cousins that I’d blocked used her dead mother’s Facebook to contact me.  That was a shocking moment, seeing a message from my aunt who’s been dead since 2014!  I’ve learned there is no way to protect myself completely- I have to continue blocking various avenues as people try to contact me.  You will find the same thing is true for you.

 

Cling onto what you know is right, no matter what.  I know, it is awful when your parent is dying & you know beyond a shadow of a doubt you can’t say goodbye.  It’s painful for you & makes you feel like a terrible person.  You aren’t though!  Galatians 6:7 says, “Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.”  (KJV)  In cases like mine, this is exactly what is happening.  They are reaping the awful harvest that they have sown after abusing me for my entire life.  God has been reminding me of this Scripture repeatedly lately.

 

Don’t let people tell you how to feel.  Even well meaning people may do this with comments like, “You shouldn’t be mad at the flying monkeys for coming after you right now- you have more important things to worry about.”  You feel what you feel, acknowledge those feelings, & deal with them however you feel is appropriate.

 

Have realistic expectations.  If you do decide to say goodbye to your dying narcissistic parent, don’t expect a happy ending.  I haven’t once heard of any narcissist having an epiphany & apologizing for their behavior, even on their death bed.  In fact, quite the opposite.  I’ve heard stories of how cruel they can be to their children until their dying breath.  If you are willing to see your parent so that parent can die in peace, or because it will help you somehow to say goodbye, then do it while leaning on God to help you stay strong even when the abuse continues.  And, if at all possible, go when no one else is there.  Avoid the ones who harassed & shamed you.

 

Think about the funeral.  Do you plan to go?  If so, it can get ugly.  Even funerals aren’t off limits to some flying monkeys.  Can you handle any confrontations with grace & dignity?  Can you handle being shunned?  It may be just too much, in the light of losing your parent.  Visiting the cemetery after everyone has gone home may be a much better option for you.

 

Lastly, don’t expect anything normal about grieving your parent’s death.  The death of a narcissist adds a lot of complexity to the already difficult grief process.  Not only are you losing a parent, you’re losing the last shred of hope that things might be better one day.  You’re losing the chance of ever having closure.  You’ll grieve that your relationship was so toxic.  You also are going to feel relief because the abuse is finished, & guilt because you feel relieved.  You can’t fully prepare for all the things you’re going to feel, & it’s going to hit you hard.  Try not to judge how you feel.  Just accept that you feel as you do, & you’re OK.  Speak only with supportive & understanding friends or relatives only about your feelings.  Others will judge you harshly & not understand.  Journal about your feelings.  Read others’ stories about how they got through it.  Don’t rush the grief- take whatever time you need to get through it all.  Most of all, talk to God.  Lots!  He is there for you & wants to help.  Let Him!

 

Also, you may need to grieve other things such as the loss of friends or family you thought would be supportive of you & turned out not to be.  I learned last year that sometimes it’s possible for people to steal your grief.  What I mean is when you should be grieving the loss of your parent, you’ll also have to deal with other things, such as people attacking you for not “doing the right thing” by your narcissistic parent.  You may find it helpful to mentally put them in a box for a while as you grieve your parent, then deal with them later.  I wrote about this topic in more detail in this post: Stealing Your Grief  There’s also a follow up at this link: Update On “Stealing Grief” Post

You’ll get through this painful time, Dear Reader.  It won’t be easy, but it is possible.  xoxo

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