Category Archives: Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

How Narcissists Make You Feel Dysfunctional

Narcissists seem to have a “gift” for making their victims feel that they are the problem in the relationship, that they are the ones who are dysfunctional, not the narcissist.  Often, they are so talented at doing this, a victim is completely baffled as to how it happened.  This post will explain some ways narcissists accomplish this.

Narcissists love gaslighting.  Gaslighting is the systematic tearing down of a person’s sanity.  Narcissists will deny having done something, deny the incident happened as it did, find a way to blame the victim for the problem & more.  Constant gaslighting tears down a person’s ability to trust their own memories, feelings, perceptions & yes, even sanity.

Narcissists either imply or say outright that their victims are crazy.  My mother used to tell me often, “You need help.”  It was accompanied by a pitying expression.  She was implying I was in dire need of psychological help, yet, never got it for me.  Why?  Because she knew I was sane.  I, however, had doubts for most of my life about my sanity.  After all, no one would say such a thing to their own child if it wasn’t true, I thought.

Narcissists project their faults onto their victims.  Narcissists view others through a very distorted lens.  Titus 1:15 says, “To the pure, all things are pure; but to the corrupt and unbelieving, nothing is pure; both their mind and their conscience are corrupted.”  (AMP)  One aspect of this is accusing their victims of the very things that they themselves do, even when there is no evidence of the victim doing anything of the sort.  They often accuse their victims with such certainty, the victim may believe the accusations are true.  There is one good thing about projection.  It can be useful in learning what the narcissist is really up to.  The narcissistic husband who claims his wife is unfaithful is most likely having an affair.  The narcissistic mother who accuses her child of lying is a lair.  Listening to what the narcissist accuses you of can give you a great deal of insight into what they are truly like.

Narcissists love the silent treatment as a weapon.  In my late teens, my mother & I argued constantly.  One of her favorite ways to hurt me was to give me the silent treatment.  I would beg her to tell me what was wrong, & she either refused to answer or would say, “If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you!”  At the time, either scenario was devastating.  Saying nothing showed me I wasn’t worth her time or energy to speak to.  Saying she wouldn’t tell me if I didn’t know what was wrong made me feel crazy, stupid & ashamed for not knowing what egregious sin I had committed.

Narcissists lack self awareness.  Rather than question that maybe, just maybe, they might be the problem in their relationships, they blame all relationship woes on other people.  If you aren’t aware of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, it can be quite easy to believe that the narcissist is right, & you are at fault for their problems or the problems in your relationship.

Narcissists are provokers.  In other words, narcissists will do whatever it takes to push their victims to the point of rage so they can use that rage to prove to the victim that the victim is crazy, abusive, irrational or anything else.  Since the narcissist stays calm while the victim is clearly upset, it’s easy for the victim to believe what the narcissist says at this point.

Narcissists will say that they forgive you, even when you have done nothing wrong.  By saying this, they are implying that you are the problem in this situation, & they are very good & kind people to forgive you for the awful things you have done.

Learning about these tactics can help you to protect your mental health, & not fall for the narcissist’s lies that you & you alone are the dysfunctional one in the relationship.

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Just So Everyone Knows..

I’ve decided to take a hiatus from writing books for a while.  Dealing with my mother’s estate is a lot of work, & with my mental & physical limitations, also excessively stressful.  Writing is a lot of work, so I don’t feel I can write & deal with that at the same time.  Or, if I could, I doubt I’d do either all that well.  So, writing books is going on the back burner for a bit.

I’m still going to keep up with this blog & my YouTube channel though.

Since I have some really wonderful readers, I know you’ll understand & I thank you so much for that understanding.  xoxo

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Setting Simple Boundaries With Narcissistic Parents

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Why People Choose To Believe Narcissists Over Their Victims

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About Understanding Narcissists

I recently read a comment on a post on Facebook where someone mentioned how some people “waste their time” trying to understand why a narcissist behaves as they do.  I’ve seen comments similar to this often, although said in different ways.  “Who cares why they do what they do?  They only cause pain & suffering!”  “They’re evil, that’s all you need to know about narcissists.”

I have a different perspective on this topic as I’ve mentioned before & felt that maybe it was time to mention it again.

When you understand the motivations of the narcissistic person & what is behind them, it can help you to remember you aren’t the problem, you aren’t overreacting or crazy & the narcissist is the problem in the relationship.  While that sounds like common sense, as most victims know, in the midst of narcissistic abuse, reminders like that are invaluable.  Narcissists do their best to convince victims they are the problem, & sadly, are often successful in their efforts.

Another plus about understanding narcissists is when you do, you clearly can see that you have done nothing to deserve what this person has done to you.  You understand that this person has been manipulating & abusing you, & that you were doing only normal things to do under such abnormal circumstances.  You did what anyone would do if treated as you were treated.

You also may begin to feel some pity for the narcissist because you understand just how badly damaged this person is.  This too can be a good thing, because it will make you want to pray for them.  I must warn you though, it can be easy to get out of balance in this area.  I did this with my late mother in-law.  I noticed once that after my father in-law had snapped at her, she was especially mean with me during the rest of my husband’s & my visit.  I thought maybe this was simply how she coped since she had no healthy coping skills.  As a result, I let her mistreat me for a while without complaint or setting any boundaries.  It didn’t take me too long to realize that this wasn’t helping her.  She was still miserable, & she still was hurting me.  Nothing good came of this.  I allowed myself to feel too much pity for her, & as a result, she treated me even worse than usual.  Learn from my mistake!  Keep your emotions in balance.  Feel pity for this person & let it motivate you to pray for this person.    At the same time though, remember to keep your boundaries in place.  Just because someone has been through some serious problems, that doesn’t mean they have the right to be abusive.  There is no excuse to abuse!

I realize what I’ve said in this post doesn’t work for everyone.  Some folks will read this & immediately know it won’t help them at all.   I don’t want you to think there’s something wrong with you if you feel that way.  I am one who has been helped a great deal by understanding the narcissists in my life, & I wanted to help others think about this as a possible useful tool for them.

If you do feel that understanding the narcissist in your life can help you, I have some tips.

Learn what you can about this person’s childhood.  Childhood forms who we become as adults.  Chances are, you’ll find some hints as to why this person is as they are today.

Learn everything you can about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  I don’t believe there is one non-narcissist that can completely understand narcissists, but even so, learning what you can about it will be extremely helpful.

When you decide to learn about the person & the disorder, don’t get out of balance.  This mission doesn’t need to become an obsession, since that would be very unhealthy for you.  Take frequent breaks where you think of anything but the person or narcissism.

Most of all, pray.  Ask God to help you learn, not to obsess & to teach you creative & effective ways to cope with this person.  Ask Him to help you to pray for them, too.  After all, you may be the only person willing to pray for them.

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When Saying No Makes You Feel Guilty

Saying no without guilt is a huge problem for many adult children of narcissistic parents.  After all, we were raised to think of others & ignore our own needs, feelings, wants, etc.  That made us believe we must blindly do for others & completely ignore ourselves.  When you say no & have that belief, saying no makes you feel incredibly guilty.  In fact, you usually just don’t say no so you can avoid the awful guilt.

Unfortunately, this is basically only putting a bandage on the problem, it isn’t fixing it.

To avoid that “I can’t say no” guilt, you have to get to the root of the problem.  That means getting rid of the faulty believe that you’re not allowed to say no, or if you do, that makes you wrong, bad, selfish, or whatever other awful things your narcissistic parent said you were.

To do this, as usual, I recommend praying.  Ask God to show you where the problem first started with you.  Pay attention to what He shows you.  It probably will be a memory coming back of something you didn’t pay much attention to at the time.  Think about it.  Tell God how that made you feel & ask Him if that’s the truth- are you selfish, bad, stupid or whatever you felt you were in that memory.  He’ll tell you the real truth & chances are, it’s absolutely nothing like what you felt.  (To learn more about this, see Craig Hill’s book “The Ancient Paths.”  That’s where I first learned about this technique.)

You also need to pay attention to your thoughts.  If the opportunity comes up for you to say no & you feel guilty, ask yourself why?  Do you have a very valid reason for that guilt?  (probably you won’t!)  Remind yourself it’s simply old programming done to you by your narcissistic parent- it’s not true, & it’s wrong.  Remind yourself of what God told you when you prayed about that guilt.

You also need to improve your self-esteem.  As  you heal from narcissistic abuse, your self-esteem naturally improves.  Even so, maybe you need a little extra work in that specific area to help you alleviate that false guilt.  If you feel that’s the case, ask God to show you what to do & enable you to do it.  Study what the Bible has to say about you.  I have a list of positive affirmations from the Bible on my website if you’d like to check them out.  (That’s available at http://www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com)  Also, pay attention to what people say to you.  People don’t complement other people for no reason!  If someone pays you a complement, that person means what they say.  Enjoy it.

Remember, Dear Reader- you have the right to say no without feeling guilty.  There is nothing wrong with saying no sometimes!

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How Childhood Trauma Affects Adults

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Differences Between The Silent Treatment & No Contact

Many people don’t seem to realize that the silent treatment & no contact are very different things.  As a result, many people shame victims who implement no contact.  They call victims immature, spoiled, unreasonable & more, saying victims are pouting or trying to punish their abuser when the truth is, abusers are the ones who are being immature, unreasonable & trying to punish their victims by using the silent treatment.

No contact isn’t done to punish or hurt anyone.  It is done because a victim has tried & tried to make the relationship better yet nothing has improved.  It’s a desperate, last ditch effort to protect a person’s mental & physical health by escaping an abusive person.  Any person can take only so much before it affects their health.

No contact is also permanent.  There is no going back for the victim who has settled on no contact as their best option.  That is partly why so much serious consideration goes into it.  Contrary to what many folks believe (primarily abusers & their flying monkeys), almost every single person who has implemented no contact in their life did so only after months or even years of a lot of thought & prayer.  It’s not a spur of the moment decision done in the heat of anger.

This also means that victims don’t want their abusers trying to contact them in any way.  They don’t want calls, texts, emails, etc. in some pathetic attempt to lure or scare the victim into returning to the relationship.  Many abusers seem to think their victims want this type of harassment & it will win their victims back, but nothing could be further from the truth.  When a person goes no contact, it’s because they want NO CONTACT, period.  It isn’t some attempt to get the abuser’s attention.  Abusers often think this is the case, because that is what they want to accomplish by not speaking to someone.

The silent treatment is done on the spur of the moment.  Abusers are spontaneous people, & not in a good way.  Anything a victim says or does can make an abuser decide in an instant to use the silent treatment.  Or, a victim doesn’t have to say or do anything.  Abusers don’t exactly have the most integrity in the world.  If they want silent treatment drama, they certainly aren’t above creating it by inventing some imaginary slight from their victim.

The silent treatment is done to manipulate & control.  The goal is to make the victim feel so insecure & badly that he or she comes crawling to the abuser, apologizing profusely & being willing to do anything to make it up to the abuser.  The abuser rarely tells the victim what awful sin he or she committed, but instead makes the victim guess.  This makes the victim easier to control & more willing to try harder.  I remember my mother using the line, “If you don’t know what you did, I’m not going to tell you.”  Not exactly a healthy or useful way to cope with conflict.

The silent treatment is also done to punish victims.  When you aren’t aware of what the silent treatment is all about, it can be devastating!  I remember my mother giving me the silent treatment countless times my entire life.  It was a horrible feeling when my own mother wouldn’t speak to me or even tell me why.  In fact, my mother once stopped speaking to me for 18 months several years ago.  Why she did that, she never would say.

The silent treatment is also temporary.  It ends when an abuser gets their way or becomes bored with it.  A victim knows when it’s over too, because the abuser contacts them acting like nothing happened that was out of the ordinary.

There is one last big difference between the silent treatment & no contact.  Victims grow accustomed to the silent treatment.  After enduring it so many times, it stops upsetting them.  Abusers are always shocked by no contact, no matter how horribly they treated their victims.  And ironically, the ones who seem the most shocked by no contact are the ones who repeatedly used the silent treatment.

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My New Project

I recently had an idea.  I am going to create a series of small books that focus on only one facet of narcissism & narcissistic abuse at a time.  Each book will be maybe 1/4 the size of my regular book & naturally much cheaper.  I think this is a unique way to get information out there & hopefully it will help raise awareness too.

I’ll be releasing a few in the near future,  I’m thinking maybe 3 or so, & I’ll post about it when that happens.  I don’t want to release a series that contains only one book, yanno?

When the books are available, they will be available on my website at:

www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com

And also at my ebook publisher’s website at:

https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/CynthiaBaileyRug

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What To Watch Out For With People Who Write About Narcissistic Abuse

 

 

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Should I Go No Contact?

Ending a relationship with anyone is a huge decision, in particular when it comes to family members.  If you read anything about people who are victims of narcissistic abuse, they’re frequently told, “Just go no contact.”

No contact is a very viable option for victims, & usually the best one.  However, it also isn’t an easy solution.  I have yet to talk to one person who has implemented no contact that came to that decision easily.  It often came after months or even years of wondering if there was any other solution & much trying to turn a toxic relationship into a healthy one.

The purpose of this post today is to help you to gain some clarity on whether or not no contact is your best option.

To start with, I always recommend prayer.  Ask God to show you the truth about your relationship, what you should do, how to handle the situation & to give you strength, courage & wisdom to do what is best.

Then, consider your relationship.  There is a difference between someone who is abusive & someone with whom you just don’t get along.  Personality clashes can be very challenging & frustrating, but they also don’t leave a person feeling badly about themselves or even doubting their own sanity.  How does this relationship make you feel?

Are you the only one in the relationship who is trying to make it healthy?  If not, that’s great!  If so, that is a sign this person is toxic.

Does the other person make excuses or blame you for their bad behavior?  Do you come away from a confrontation feeling as if you’re the problem every single time?  That is a huge red flag!  Healthy people accept responsibility for what they do wrong.  They also apologize, try to fix things when possible & change their behavior.

How does the other person react to you setting reasonable boundaries?  Healthy people are fine with boundaries.  Unhealthy people, not so much.  They get angry, pout, behave in passive/aggressive ways, ignore & mock boundaries.

Probably by now, you have more clarity on whether or not you should end the relationship.  If you think you do need to end it, there are other things you should consider too, especially if this person is a family member.

Possibly the most important thing to consider is this.  If you go no contact, will you be able to stay no contact, no matter what?  Going no contact then later resuming a relationship with an abuser never ends well for the victim.  Reason being is abusers see this as a victim having weak boundaries that mean nothing.  They can be trampled over with no real consequences for the abuser.  This means an abuser will behave worse than ever when they understand this.

For your own peace of mind, I also believe it’s important to know you tried your best in the relationship.  No, one person can’t fix any relationship on their own.  However, having peace of mind knowing you did your best is very beneficial.  So many abusers do anything they can to make a victim think they didn’t do enough before severing ties or if they just would have done that one thing, the relationship wouldn’t have failed.  When you truly know you did your best, those sorts of tactics don’t work.

Going no contact also means losing friends & family who side with the abuser.  You need to be aware that will happen, even with those who you never expected to abandon you.

Lastly, what do you feel in your heart is the right move for you to make?  Instincts are a wonderful thing & I believe God’s still small voice speaking to us.  Trust what you feel in your heart, & you’ll know if no contact is the right decision for you.

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The Truth About Being The Bigger Person

Have you ever been discussing the abuse from the narcissist in your life with someone who has told you that you need to be the bigger person & let this go?  I have.  Lots of times.  So have many other victims of all kinds of abuse.

Recently, this came to mind for some reason.  I thought about it & realized that this never felt right to me.  It seemed somehow patronizing, invalidating, manipulative & shaming but I was unsure why I felt that way.  After thinking about it, I think I figured the reasons.

If a victim is told they need to be the bigger person, it’s shaming.  It basically says, “Something is wrong with you for being upset about this! Get over it already!”  Shaming can be utterly devastating to victims of narcissistic abuse.  Nothing can shut down a victim faster than shame, in my opinion.  Saying, “You need to be the bigger person!” is an easy way for someone to stop a victim from discussing their abusive situation & pain.

Some people who have survived abusive relationships absolutely refuse to face their pain.  They ignore it, or even pretend the abuse didn’t happen or that it wasn’t really abusive.  When someone discusses their abusive history, these people are determined to shut them down immediately, because they don’t want any reminders of their own pain.  They may not be acting out of malice as some people do.  They simply don’t have the strength or courage to face their pain.  Telling a victim to be the bigger person is an effective way for them to shut the victim down without sounding harsh.

If the person who says this is also a narcissist, that puts an interesting spin on the situation.  That person probably sees no problem with the abuse, since they act in a similar way.  When the victim points out it’s wrong, that could be offending this narcissist’s sensibilities.  He or she wants to shut down the victim so he or she can go on acting terribly without any remorse.  Not to mention, it’s not about the narcissist, so the narcissist couldn’t care less.  Narcissists also lack empathy, so the narcissist doesn’t want to be bothered with what he or she sees as your petty problems. Or maybe the person could be a flying monkey of the original narcissist, & simply trying to shut the victim down & force the victim to continue to tolerate the awful & abusive behavior from their narcissist.

“You need to be the bigger person!” also shows that the person saying it thinks that the victim has the ability to be mature.  They aren’t saying it to the abuser, after all.  That can be flattering, & as victims, most of us aren’t used to someone believing anything good about us.  It can be a good way for someone to shut down a victim while assuring the victim won’t get angry with the person saying this stupid phrase since it can sound flattering.

I truly believe that someone saying, “You need to be the bigger person!” basically boils down to a way that people try to silence victims by using shaming while simultaneously making victims feel they should not be angry at the person who is attempting to shut them down with this phrase.  And in many cases, the person saying it also is trying to convince the victim to tolerate the abuse.  It’s a lot packed into one phrase, isn’t it?

If someone says this to you, please take it as a red flag!  This person isn’t safe for you to open up to about the abuse that you’ve endured!  Of course you should talk about it not only to help yourself heal but also to help raise awareness of the horrors of narcissistic abuse.  However, not everyone is safe to talk with about your experiences.  Use wisdom in choosing who to open up to.  Anyone who tells you to be the bigger person is NOT someone you need to open up to!

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Seeing Through The Lens Of Victim-hood

When a person has been abused, they tend to see the world differently than other folks.  People like this aren’t as trusting as the average person, & with good reason.  They have survived some pretty terrible stuff!  This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, considering how many untrustworthy people there are in the world.  However, it can become a bad thing.  A good friend of mine once called it “seeing things through the lens of victim-hood.”  I thought the term made perfect sense.

When a person sees others as out to hurt them with little or no evidence to prove this is happening, it’s a bad thing.

Or when a person reads so much into every small comment or action that they see others as out to get them, this is a bad thing.

Unfortunately, it can be very easy to turn out this way after surviving abuse. It can be especially easy to see problems online over face to face contact.  Once you’ve been badly hurt, you obviously want to avoid it again.  It’s very easy to become hyper-vigilant, seeing abusive behavior everywhere.  A person looks at you a bit odd or cracks a joke that isn’t like your sense of humor & suddenly you think they’re out to hurt you when nothing could be further from the truth.  This is no way to live!

Rather than succumb to this miserable lifestyle, change yourself!  It is possible!  I was this way & managed to change.  If I can do it, so can you.

As always, I recommend prayer as the place to start.  God can & will help you to make whatever changes you need.  He also will show you what you need to do.  Why not let Him?

Also slow down when a situation happens.  Respond, don’t react.  Responding isn’t instantaneous.  It requires time to consider the situation.  Reacting is instantaneous & done in the heat of emotions.  Reacting often happens when seeing situations through the lens of victim-hood.  Give yourself time to consider the situation before you respond.

Don’t automatically assume that your knee-jerk reaction is correct.  Consider it.  Question it.  Slow your thoughts down for some time & ask yourself why you think the way you’re thinking.  Is there evidence to back up what you believe is happening?  What is that evidence?  Are there red flags that show you this person isn’t safe, such as a lack of empathy for example?  Write it down if it helps.  Writing can help you to see things clearly, often more clearly than speaking or thinking about things.

Think too about the person in question.  If this is someone you know well, you will know what this person is & is not capable of.  You know if this person is safe or not.  Ask yourself, is it likely this person is out to hurt me or not?

If you want advice, don’t talk to someone else about the situation in a way that will get them assuming the worst about this person.  If they believe you, they will only feed your fear.  They’ll automatically respond to your fear with fear, especially if this is someone you’re close to.  If you want to talk about your situation with someone safe, that’s totally fine.  An objective opinion can be a truly great thing!  Just make sure you say things in such a way that the person who you’re speaking with can form their own opinion.  Say things like, “I think this person is looking to hurt me in some way.. what do you think?”  then state the facts without emotion.  Let this person form their own opinion if you want their best advice.

Just remember, Dear Reader, not everyone is abusive.  Not everyone wants to cause you pain & suffering.  Pray & seriously consider the situation so you can respond to it appropriately, rather than reacting because you’re seeing it through the lens of victim-hood.

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Accepting Your Parent Is A Covert Narcissist

I remember when I first realized that my mother was a narcissist.  Although it was painful, I was glad finally to understand why she treated me as she did.  The raging, the silent treatments, the manipulation & control.. suddenly it all made sense.  She blamed me for all of it, but the truth was it wasn’t me.  It was her!

It was another few years before I realized my father was a narcissist as well.  It took me so long because he was a covert narcissist.

My mother being an overt narcissist made it obvious something wasn’t right.  Normal mothers didn’t keep their daughters from getting to know their extended family.  They also didn’t scream at their teenage daughters daily, often multiple times in a day.  They didn’t accuse their daughters of completely uncharacteristic behaviors, such as having sex with their entire high school football team, especially when there was no evidence to support this wild claim.

My father was nothing like this at all.  For most of my life, I was convinced he was my one nice, normal parent.  I was wrong.

While my father didn’t scream at me or accuse me of outrageous behaviors, he abused me nonetheless.  He didn’t protect me from my mother.  In fact, when I told him of some of her abusive behaviors, he would tell me how hard this was on him, & how there was nothing he could do to protect me.  In spite of my pain, I often ended up comforting him after my mother abused me.

Compared to my mother’s constant criticisms & rages, I didn’t think this was a problem.  He told me he loved me, unlike my mother who stopped saying it when I was in my teens.  My father also complemented me, & bragged about me to other people.  My mother didn’t do either.

As an adult, married with my own home, I finally noticed some subtle changes in my father’s behavior.  He became critical.  Nothing obvious like my mother at first, but still critical.  He became more critical over the years.  He also became more controlling in subtle ways.  If I didn’t answer his call immediately, the next time we spoke, he would tell me how he thought I must be mad at him since I didn’t answer the phone.  If I said I wasn’t home at the time, he didn’t believe me.  Or, he would call folks we both knew, asking them to contact me & have me call him immediately because he was worried about me.

Eventually, I realized my father was a covert narcissist, & that fact truly hurt.

My situation is quite similar to that of many adult children of narcissistic parents.  Accepting the overtly narcissistic parent is abusive is difficult, but it can be done.  Accepting their covertly narcissistic parent is abusive is a much more difficult task, & can be impossible for some people.

The nature of a covert narcissist’s abuse is what makes the abuse so hard to comprehend.  There is no obvious abuse.  They don’t hit or scream.  Their abuse is so much more subtle.  They use guilt, disapproval, silence & portraying themselves as innocent, naive, in need of saving or protection.  They also can turn a situation around to where they look like the innocent victim instead of the abuser, rather than the other way around as it should be.

This creates a cognitive dissonance in victims.  In other words, the victim often may see the truth, but doesn’t want to accept it because it’s so painful.

There is also the fact that it’s hurtful enough to accept that one parent didn’t love you.  Accepting both parents didn’t is even more so.  Even when you understand it’s because they’re narcissists, knowing both of your parents didn’t love you can make you feel unlovable.

If this describes your situation, I’m so sorry, Dear Reader.  You are in an extremely painful situation.  Pray, journal, talk to safe people… do whatever you have to do to help you face this ugly truth & to heal.  It will help you in the long run to face this awful situation.  You can do this!

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Don’t Let Anyone Silence You!

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Personality Traits That Narcissists Don’t Like

I recently read an amazing article entitled “11 Signs Your Personality Is So Intense That It’s Intimidating To Others“.  Later on, I thought about the article & realized that many other victims of narcissistic abuse share many if not all of these qualities.  It’s no wonder narcissists have issues with us!  It’s also proof that we are some pretty amazing people, in my opinion!

#1 in the article is “you’re honest to a fault.”  And what a fault honesty is to narcissists!  They want victims to be willing to lie to & for them, to pretend they’re perfect & to protect their reputation.

#2, “You’re a problem solver, not one to wallow.”  This is another big no no to narcissists, because that means a person like this won’t tolerate abuse indefinitely.

#3, “You aren’t afraid of intimacy.”  Many people when they hear the word intimacy think sex, but actually it can be much more beyond sex.  Two people who are open with each other, & love, trust & respect each other can have a very intimate relationship with or without sex.  If this is something you want, chances are excellent you’ll see behind the narcissist’s mask before he or she is ready for that to happen, which means you won’t be a good victim.

#4, “You’re intense in all that you do.”  Intense people don’t settle for things that aren’t intense.  They want passion & deep relationships.  They don’t want superficial anything, which is yet one more problem for narcissists.  They do want superficial relationships.  Deeper would mean they might actually have to do some self reflection, which is one of their biggest fears.  Even narcissists don’t want to see what’s truly behind their masks.

#5, “You ask a lot of questions.”  Narcissists demand blind trust from their victims.  That doesn’t come from someone who asks lots of questions.  They will trust, but they want to know beyond a doubt they can trust before doing so.

#6, “You refuse to waste your time waiting around for others.”  Narcissists MUST be in control of victims, & that even includes when they spend time with people.  My mother is perpetually late, unless it’s with someone she wants to impress.  Being late is her way of forcing someone to wait on her, so basically she’s in control of that person even if only for a short time.

#7, “You’re like a human lie detector.”  Definitely a very, very big turn off for any narcissist.  They want to be able to lie to their victims & get away with it indefinitely.  Someone who won’t put up with lying is going to call them out on their actions, & we all know narcissists don’t tolerate that well.

#8, “You’re incredibly open minded.”  Another problem as far as narcissists are concerned.  If you’re open minded, you might *gasp* think for yourself at some point.  No victim of any narcissist is allowed to do that!  It’s an unpardonable sin to them.  Narcissists want their victims to think however the narcissist wants them to think, period.  Independent thought may lead to victims realizing that this abuse they’re enduring is wrong, & figure out a way to escape it.

#9, “You always have a clear picture of what you want.”  Another problem according to narcissists.  If you know what you want, you also have a good sense of boundaries & you know what you aren’t willing to tolerate.  This means you may be too tough to manipulate & control for a narcissist.

#10, “You’re a creature of habit.”  Another no no for narcissists.  Victims need to be pliable so their narcissist can control them.  If you have & like your routine, you won’t be open to a lot of change, which is a sign you’re not pliable.  This simply will not work for a narcissist!

#11, “You have no interest in shallow relationships.”  Narcissists love shallow relationships because they aren’t demanding & don’t require much of them.  People who like deeper relationships come across as highly demanding & unreasonable to narcissists.  How dare you expect the narcissist to care about your feelings, thoughts, family, job, etc?  That means the spotlight would be off the narcissist, & we know that narcissists can’t handle that.

If you share any of the qualities on this list, then enjoy them knowing that they make you unattractive to narcissists, so enjoy these qualities & wear them proudly!

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Anger In Survivors Of Childhood Narcissistic Abuse

Many survivors of childhood narcissistic abuse grow up showing virtually no anger.  Even when they have valid reasons for being angry, they don’t show anger, in particular anger at their abusers.

 

Rather than get in touch with their anger, they often stuff it deep down inside & make excuses for their abusers.  “If only I hadn’t done…”  “It’s not his fault, he had a bad childhood.”  “She was right, & I’m oversensitive.  I always have been.”

 

Sometimes, abused children grow up depressed.  They aren’t necessarily depressed though.  They may be incredibly angry about the traumas they endured.  Repressed anger can manifest as depression.

 

Anger really is a scary thing when you’ve never been allowed to express it, & even more when you were shamed for feeling anger by your parent.  The only anger that was allowed in the home where I grew up was my mother’s.  If I showed even a bit of frustration let alone anger, she shamed me for having “that Bailey temper.”  It took me until well into my 30’s before I could express any anger at all, & into my 40’s before I got comfortable with it.

 

 

Anger really isn’t a bad thing at all, Dear Reader.  I know so many people say it is, Christians in particular, but it truly isn’t.  Anger is simply an emotion & emotions are from God.  Would He give a bad gift?!  Matthew 7:11 “If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” (NIV)

 

What is bad about anger is when you do bad things with it.  You shouldn’t let your anger motivate you to get revenge, for example.  Romans 12:19 “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.”  (NIV)

 

What is good about anger is it can let you know when you’re being mistreated.  If someone treats you well, you won’t feel anger, but let that person steal from you for example, & you WILL feel anger!

 

Anger also can motivate you to make positive changes.  No one ever started a diet who was happy with the state of their body.  They started it because they were fed up with not wearing a smaller size, getting winded walking up the steps or because they were having health problems.

 

So how can you learn to feel & express your anger in a healthy way?

 

You need to accept that you have the right to be angry sometimes.  Every single living being has the right to feel anger about some things, & that includes you.  Hiding it as a child was no doubt a very useful survival skill, but you’re not that child anymore.  You are an adult who has every right to feel it & express it in healthy ways. Remind yourself of that & do so often.

 

 

 

You also need to gain a good understanding of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  It helps in so many ways, but one way that helps you is because you understand projection.  A narcissist who shames you for being angry or having a bad temper is simply projecting their bad temper or anger issues onto you.  Their cruel comments are absolutely no reflection on you.

 

You need to recognize that you have the right to be angry at your abuser(s).  During the abuse, you obviously couldn’t show your anger.  Now that the abuse is done, get angry!  Let out all that old anger you stuffed inside you for so long!  It’s hurting you physically & emotionally to hold it in so let it out.  It’s long overdue!  It’ll help to free you of shame, guilt & feeling worthless to do so.

 

**I’m not saying that by getting angry at your abusive parents you need to confront them.  That is entirely your decision.  All I am saying is you need to feel & express that anger.**

 

Everyone has ways to deal with anger that work for them, & you need to do the same.  You can journal, get a punching bag, punch pillows, yell when home alone… there are all kinds of different ways you can cope.

 

 

Don’t think that if you decide to forgive your abusive parents, the anger will vanish.  I made that mistake early in my healing, & thought there was something really wrong with me for still feeling angry with my parents after deciding to forgive them.  I didn’t realize that deciding to forgive them wouldn’t make all the anger I felt magically disappear.  I believe forgiving & getting rid of anger are two separate things.  At least they have been for me.  I make the decision to forgive those who have done me wrong immediately, but even so, it takes time to work through & release the anger.

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Emotional Incest, Covert Incest, Parentification, Parentalization

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Miserable People Are Often The Most Abusive

Have you ever noticed how miserable narcissists are?  It seems like the higher on the spectrum a narcissist is, the more miserable that person is.

 

I think this is because narcissists do not have the skills or wisdom to know what to do to improve their situations.  In typical narcissist fashion, rather than try, they opt to make others just as miserable as they are or gain attention for their misery.

 

If you think about the narcissist in your life, how many times were you in a good mood, then that person did or said something that sent your mood rocketing downhill?  I bet that has happened a lot.  It has with me.  Narcissists cannot stand seeing other people happy, especially if they are unhappy.  If they can make you unhappy it makes them feel good, because they have power over you.  If they can control your emotions & have a strong effect on you, they think they must be powerful.  There is also the simple fact that they enjoy causing pain.  Making you unhappy is a win/win for the narcissist.

 

Narcissists enjoy misery so much, they even will cause their own misery.  I bet there are many, many narcissists unhappy in their marriage partly due to their own making.  Many times, my parents came to me complaining about the other & how miserable they were together.  Yet, when I saw simple changes they could have made to improve their situation, they refused to do those things.  They would say that was a bad idea, make excuses why it wouldn’t work or say things like, “I do too much already!  I’m not doing that for him/her too!  He/she is the one who needs to change!”

 

My late ex mother in-law used to tell me about her own mother, “She’s not happy until she’s miserable!”  That seems to be the same case for narcissists.  If they’re miserable, they can garnish sympathy, concern & attention.  If they appear to be a victim, then they also can gain pity.  And, if they can make you as miserable as they are, that’s an added bonus.  All of these things provide them with narcissistic supply.

 

When the narcissist in your life tries to ruin your good mood or trivialize your good news, just remember these things.  They are simply looking for narcissistic supply.  Do your best not to let them have it by remembering what they are up to.  That can help you keep your joy.  If they are miserable, that is their problem, not yours.

 

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My Ebooks Are On Sale

From March 3-9, 2019, my publisher is having a sale!  All of my ebooks will be 25% off.

Come check it out at: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/CynthiaBaileyRug

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About Dreams

I am a firm believer in understanding dreams.  They can teach us things about ourselves.  They can show us areas in which we need more healing.  They can help us to process things that are incredibly difficult to process.  They also can bring us comfort when we need it most.

Tomorrow, it will be 4 years since I survived Carbon Monoxide Poisoning.  It was the most traumatic episode of my life, which considering my life, is really saying something.  As a result of that plus the brain damage, I no longer have control over intrusive thoughts, so each year as February 27 approaches, I think a LOT about the day I nearly died.  It has improved some, thank God, because the first year anniversary was the most difficult.

For weeks, I couldn’t stop thinking about what happened, & how close I came to death.  I was shaken up badly & nothing seemed to comfort me.. until a dream I had on the night of February 26th, 2016.  In it, I was at a local library where I worked as a teen.  They were closing, so I walked out the door & lo & behold, there was my granddad!  I asked what he was doing here.  He smiled & said, “I came to show you my new car.”  His new car was a pretty burgundy Jeep Rubicon.  I said it was nice & he told me to get in, because we were going for a ride.  We went four wheeling!  We rode over boulders & into deep valleys.  It was so much fun!  When I later woke from the dream, my mood was drastically improved.

(As a side note, I don’t believe the dead technically visit us in our dreams.  I do, however, believe they still care about their loved ones they left behind, & sometimes ask God to tell us something which could mean they show up in our dreams.  Or maybe my dream was God knowing I needed something to comfort me, so he gave me a dream of my favorite person.  I’m not sure which it was, but in any case, it was great!)

I have had so many other interesting dreams that have proven to be very helpful.  For example, for years I had a similar dream about having to repeat high school, & relying on my mother to take me to school,  but she got me there late or would yell at me about how she was doing me a big favor (just like how things were when I actually was in high school).  The more I began to heal from her abuse though, the less frequent the dreams became.  They also started to change, such as I realized I had my own car & didn’t need to rely on her or I remembered I’ve been through high school & had no need to repeat it.  Eventually after going no contact with her, the dreams stopped.  Those dreams helped me to gauge my healing.

The reason I’m telling you about these dreams is to show you the value that can be had in dreams.  I know a lot of people think they have no purpose, but they really do!  Acts 2:17 says, “‘And it shall be in the last days,’ says God, ‘That I will pour out My Spirit upon all mankind; And your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, And your young men shall see [divinely prompted] visions, And your old men shall dream [divinely prompted] dreams;” (AMP)  I believe this is happening now.  Everyone needs to pay attention to their dreams!

The brain constantly processes information, good, bad or indifferent.  It continues to do so even when we sleep, which can be what our dreams are.  As I mentioned, they have helped me to gauge my healing, which was incredibly helpful.  There are other times when I don’t remember many of my dreams, & I firmly believe that is the brain processing things that simply aren’t important enough to remember.

When I don’t know what a dream meant, I pray, asking God to show me what that meant.  I also check out a good dream dictionary site I like, www.dreammoods.com.  I look up everything I can think of in the dream, such as objects, people, colors, emotions.  I write things down & then look at the information I gathered as a whole.  Usually then, I understand what the dream was about.  I believe God gives me that clarity when I need it.  If I don’t understand it, I figure it is simply my brain processing things & I don’t need to know what it’s about.

Dear Reader, I want to encourage you to start paying attention to your dreams.  They really can offer you insight, understanding & even comfort.

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You Are Much Stronger Than You Realize

Have you ever stopped & thought about how strong you are?

Being raised by at least one narcissistic parent, you are naturally all too aware of your faults (real ones & the imaginary ones your parent put on you).  Even if you haven’t had contact with that parent & have healed, chances are you’re still very aware of every flaw you have, yet very unaware of the good things about you.  One of those good things that all victims share is great strength.

Think about it.  Narcissistic abuse is the psychological equivalent of walking through a minefield.  You don’t know where to turn that is safe.  Sometimes you’re going to step on a land mine (incite narcissistic rage by some imaginary slight) & it’s going to devastate you.  Narcissistic rage is as unavoidable when dealing with a narcissistic personality as stepping on a land mine in a minefield.

Yet, in spite of all of the abuse & the gaslighting, you survived.  Wounded, like a person who has escaped a minefield, but still, you survived.  That is pretty darned impressive!  And, you ended the cycle!!  YAY YOU!!  You aren’t a narcissist!  So many children with narcissistic parents turn into narcissists, but you didn’t!  That is awesome!!

Here you are, being good to other people, loving your kids (furry or human), & living life on your own terms.  You aren’t living to please your narcissistic parent, which shows you have great courage.  It takes a lot of courage to break away from that, since they make their children’s lives so miserable when they are disappointed.  Sure, you still have some issues from childhood, who doesn’t?  Maybe you even have PTSD or C-PTSD.  But, you didn’t commit suicide like many have.  You’re still here & doing pretty well for yourself.  And, you’ve done it all on your own.

You, Dear Reader, are incredibly strong.  You should be very proud of yourself!

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How To Prevent A Narcissist From Wanting To Resume The Relationship With You

Severing ties with a narcissist is never easy.  Not only due to the simple fact that ending any relationship is hard, but also because of the fact they don’t exactly handle this well.  While no one likes to have someone end a relationship with them, it can become devastating to a narcissist.  They will do about anything to get their victim to return to the relationship, often only so they can later discard their victim on their terms.  This article will help you to avoid behaviors that can encourage a narcissist to want you back.

Naturally, do your best to avoid any interaction whatsoever with the narcissist after no contact.  Narcissists don’t think like normal people, obviously, so they are prone to taking any interaction after no contact as a sign the relationship has been resumed.  Take away their hope in that area if at all possible.

Sometimes even when doing your best to avoid a narcissist, they find ways to interject themselves into your life.  One way they do this is by stalking & harassing their victims.  They inundate victims with constant phone calls, text messages, social media messages & even postal mail.  Or, they may show up places they know you frequent such as your favorite coffee shop.  This can be incredibly unnerving.  I’ve been on the receiving end of such behavior from two narcissists in my life, & I found it terrifying.  I also learned that narcissists often know stalking & harassment laws well, so they stay just barely legal.  This means getting a restraining order is very difficult, if not impossible.  The most effective ways I know how to handle such behavior are never to respond to anything they send you & to block the narcissist at every pass.  Granted, he or she probably will find ways around your blocks, such as creating new email addresses or social media accounts, but block them too.  Keep blocking.  If they have flying monkeys who tell you to talk to them, block them too.  Do NOT engage either the narcissist or the flying monkey at all.  Ever!

If you can’t avoid the narcissist completely, always remember the Gray Rock method.  In other words, provide zero narcissistic supply.  You know this person well, so naturally you know what makes him or her happy.  Deprive this person of it.  Provide no praise, no complements, no offers to do things for him or her.  Also share absolutely no personal information about yourself.  If she asks what you’re doing later, say you have plans & leave it at that.  How is your job going?  “Fine.”  One or two word answers are the best.

Show no emotions to this person.  You aren’t happy, sad, angry… anything.  You are completely neutral in his or her presence.  Emotions feed narcissists.  If you’re happy, they can destroy it so you’re as miserable as they are.  If they make you sad or angry, they feel powerful, so they’ll do that thing again to get their “high”.  Deprive them of that feeding.

Show no remorse for anything you have done, including no contact.  If you show you feel any sadness, guilt, or regrets, the narcissist will pounce on you like a hungry lion.

Do not give in to anything the narcissist tries to make you do.  I don’t care if it’s something silly like passing them the salt shaker over lunch, don’t do it if it can be avoided.  If not, do it perfunctorily.

By doing these things, you are essentially making yourself very unattractive to the narcissist in your life.  They want people who will prop up their egos, blindly obey them & make them the center of their world.  People who refuse to do such things are of no use to a narcissist, so a narcissist will leave them alone.

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What To Expect From Yourself After Going No Contact

Going no contact with a narcissist is an incredibly challenging thing to go through.  As if the agonizing over whether or not to do it wasn’t enough, there is also the likelihood of the narcissist refusing to accept your boundary, & making your life miserable.

Once the narcissist has gotten bored with trying to lure a victim back into the relationship, the victim is left to move on with their life.  Although in a way that life is so much simpler without the constant influx of narcissistic abuse, that doesn’t mean all the victim’s problems are over.

After severing ties with my parents,  I had more nightmares & flashbacks than usual for quite some time.  I believe this is because when there is a narcissist in your life, that person basically takes up all the room in the relationship.  You’re so focused on keeping them happy & avoiding their abuse that you have little time to think of anything else.  When the narcissist is out of your life, your brain finally has time to think of other things.  Since it constantly processes everything in life, it naturally wants to make sense of what happened with the narcissist.  It tries to make sense out of the nonsensical.  When it happened to me, I realized this was going to happen, like it or not, so I tried to make it work in my favor.  I coped with whatever came up as it came up.  It ended up being a time of quite a bit of healing for me.

After experiencing stalking & harassment, even after it stops, you still may experience a feeling like, “What’s next?”  When your day is filled with constant messages that you don’t want, it can really shake you up!  Plus, with many narcissists, they stop but start up again, which puts a person in a state of being on high alert.  Even if the narcissist hasn’t contacted you in months, that doesn’t mean he or she won’t start up again.  How can you relax knowing that is possible?  The best you can do is block all access the narcissist has to you, & save all evidence in case you need it to pursue legal charges against him or her.

Even if the narcissist in your life hasn’t stalked or harassed you, he or she may still send you Christmas or birthday cards as a way of attempting to keep their foot in the door with you.  These little reminders can be surprisingly upsetting to a victim.  They can make you start to wonder if you made the right decision by going no contact, make you feel guilty for not spending this holiday with the narcissist & bring up a plethora of conflicting, confusing feelings.  Unfortunately this is very normal.  When it happens, I urge you not to make any rash decisions.  Just because the narcissist sent it to you & expects you to read it doesn’t mean you have to read it.  Put it aside & pray.  If you then believe in your heart you need to read it, & have no doubts, then read it.  Otherwise, it is most likely best not to read it.  You can throw it out, return it to the sender or even save it if you feel you want to read it in the future.  Also, just because it is a special day, doesn’t mean the narcissist has changed.  The narcissist is simply using an opportunity to attempt to hoover you back into the relationship.

Even if the narcissist doesn’t try to contact you, doubts after no contact are very normal.  Ending a relationship is always hard.  Never forget what made you decide to go no contact.  Writing it out can help tremendously.

Remember, if you are considering going no contact with a narcissist or have recently done so, don’t expect no contact to mean your problems are over.  Yes, many of them will be, but there are some new ones that will come up.  You can get through them!  A bad day without a narcissist in your life is still better than any day with a narcissist in your life!

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What To Expect From A Narcissist After Going No Contact

Narcissists are an incredibly difficult bunch.  Usually, the best way to deal with them is not to deal with them.  You see it everywhere, “Go no contact.”  Sadly, that often is the only solution victims face if they want to protect themselves from the vile narcissistic abuse.  However, severing ties with a narcissist is often very complex, & the problems don’t end just because you told this person you want him or her out of your life.

Narcissists don’t exactly handle rejection well, in any form.  Many narcissists will lash out in all kinds of ways when their victim ends their relationship.

The smear campaign may be the most common tactic narcissists use after someone as ended a relationship with them.  They tell everyone what a terrible person the victim is, how unreasonable, crazy & yes, even abusive the victim is.  Overt narcissists most likely will use those words, but covert narcissists are much more discreet.  Rather than say something obviously bad, they disguise their insult under a veil of concern.  This way, they not only get to insult the other person, but people think they are kind for caring about someone who obviously was so mean to them.  For example, they won’t say, “She’s crazy.”  Instead, they may say something like, “Poor Sue.. I worry about her mental health.  Things were getting really bad before she left me, & when she left, she didn’t even tell me what the problem was.”

Narcissists also may try to lure their victim back into the relationship.  They try to accomplish this in various ways.  One way is what is known as love bombing.  The narcissist will inundate the victim with gifts, promises of change, sweet words pledging their undying love & more.  This can be very difficult for a victim to resist, because the narcissist appears to have changed back into the good person the victim thought he or she once was.  It’s very important to remember that this is most likely nothing but a ploy!  Narcissists rarely see the error of their ways & improve their behavior.  If this is happening to you & you’re wondering if the narcissist has changed, seriously examine their behavior.  The narcissist should admit their behavior was wrong & accept responsibility for what they have done.  They shouldn’t make excuses or blame you or anyone for what they did to you.  They should be willing to do whatever it takes to gain your trust back, & be willing to wait as long as it takes to do that.

Another common ploy of narcissists is to stalk &/or harass a victim.  If they can’t lure a victim back with sweet words & fake promises, narcissists aren’t above trying to wear down or scare a victim into coming back to them.  They will overwhelm a victim with calls, texts, cards, letters, & social media messages.  They may show up at places they know their victim frequents such as a favorite coffee shop or at work.  The volume of their contact can be absolutely overwhelming & even terrifying.  It’s no wonder many victims return to a narcissist at this point.  Unfortunately, that is the biggest mistake a person can make, however!  If this happens in your situation, ignore all contact.  Block the narcissist’s phone number, email & social media accounts.  When he or she creates a new one to contact you, block that one too.  Keep blocking!

Lastly, another common ploy narcissists implement after a victim has gone no contact with them is their beloved flying monkeys.  They send their wicked minions to talk to you on their behalf, to “talk sense” into you about how you should return to the narcissist.  After all, she misses you so much, or he doesn’t mean those things he says- it’s just how he is.  The best way to handle this situation is to refuse to discuss the narcissist in any capacity with this person.  Flying monkeys are only loyal to their narcissist, not you.  They don’t care how miserable the narcissist makes you, so this means they aren’t worth listening to.

Whatever the narcissist is doing to you after you implement no contact, I truly wish you the best.  You can handle this situation.  God will get you through it!

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Thinking Of Writing A Book?

Since I recently wrote a post for those who are considering writing a blog, I though it’d be a good idea to write another post focused on those who are considering writing a book since I hear from quite a few people who have thought of doing just that.

Quite a few people who have experienced narcissistic abuse want to tell their stories to the world.  They are tired of the secrecy, of hiding things that they never should have had to hide.  They also want the world to know about narcissistic abuse so other people don’t suffer like they have.  I understand how that feels, but still, writing a book isn’t for everyone.

You need to be absolutely positive you can handle your story being able to be read by anyone in the world.  This includes your narcissistic parents & their flying monkeys.  Is this something you think you can handle?  If they find out what you wrote, it could be a very ugly situation, so you need to be emotionally & mentally prepared to handle this possible scenario.  I always prayed my parents & their flying monkeys wouldn’t find out what I wrote about, & thank God, they didn’t until after no contact.

Like with writing a blog, you also need to be aware of the slander & libel laws in your state.  The last thing you need is a legal battle with a narcissist.  Do your best to protect your abuser’s identity.  Use fake names.  Or, use a pen name for yourself that is nothing like your real name so no one knows it’s you.

There is a lot involved with writing a book.  Not only is it a lot of work to write, there are a lot of details involved.  How good are you with handling details?  How are your writing skills?  If they could use some work, a writing class may help you.  Read work by authors whose style of writing you like.  It may help you find your writing voice.

There are different ways to publish books, too.  Many authors like using a traditional publisher.  The author writes a book, & hands over the manuscript to the publisher.  From there, the publisher edits it, designs the cover & takes care of marketing.  The author is under a contract (terms vary from author to author) & usually has an agent to help negotiate the contract terms.

There are also print on demand publishers, sometimes also called self publishers or vanity publishers.  There are no contracts or agents involved. In addition to writing the book, the author also edits it, designs the cover & takes care of marketing.  Or, the author can pay someone to edit, design the cover & market it.

Which route you opt to take depends on your goals & personality, I think.  I use print on demand, because I have physical & mental limitations.  Not only do I not do well under pressure, but thanks to brain damage, there are days that I can’t write at all.  I need to be able to write on my own schedule, not on someone else’s.  I also edit my books which means some editor isn’t going to change my book around.  Some editors make such drastic changes, a book is barely recognizable to its author.  That would bother me to no end!  I had to learn to format my books to look good in various print formats, which took some trial & error.   As far as the covers, I have a ridiculously talented cousin who designs some of my covers.  Marketing is my weakness, but even so, I take care of it the best I can.

What I do may not work for you at all, & that’s fine.  You need to do whatever works for you!

There are also ebooks.  I create them along with print because so many people like reading on their kindle or nook.  I really recommend doing the same.  Ebooks are a great way to get your work out there.

You also need to figure out what is best- to create your writing as a business or not.  Look into it to decide if you wish to incorporate or not.  I haven’t, & one plus is it keeps my income taxes are very simple.

Whatever you opt to do, I wish you success in your endeavors!  Writing a book isn’t easy, but especially when the topic is such a difficult & painful one.  You’re brave for doing it & should be proud of yourself for taking this step!  xoxo

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

Thinking Of Starting A Blog?

Many people I talk to mention that they want to start a blog about their experiences & what they have learned about narcissism.  Today, I thought I’d write a post for those of you in that position.

Before you get started, you need to think long & hard about this.  Writing a blog isn’t hard, but there are things that need to be considered.

As always, I really recommend prayer as the place to start.  Ask God to show you if you should or shouldn’t do this.  If you believe He wants you to, ask Him guide you on this, to help you to write about whatever He wants you to write about, to reach those He wants you to reach, he courage to do this & anything else you can think of.

Where do things stand with your narcissistic parents?  How would you deal with it if they found out about your blog?  That could be a very ugly situation since narcissists want their abuse to stay hidden.  Are you prepared for whatever might happen if they found out what you write about?

Do you feel strong enough to send your words out into the world?  Although writing a blog is pretty much like writing in your private diary, unlike your diary, anyone can read it.  Some people may think you’re making things up & invalidate you because of that.  There are also “grammar nazis” out there who nitpick posts over silly little things like saying “it’s” over “its”.  They can be really irritating since they miss the point of the post just to correct a simple typo.  While this isn’t necessarily a big deal, early on in healing, it can really hurt simply because you’re pretty emotionally raw & sensitive.

How often do you think you’ll be able to write posts?  I have settled on every other day.  It’s often enough to keep my writing in people’s minds, yet not overloading them (or pressuring me!) with my work.  Other bloggers write daily posts, yet others write only a couple of times a month.  You need to decide on what kind of schedule will work for you.

Have you looked into slander & libel laws in your state?  They vary from state to state, so you need to be aware of them in your particular state.  They are why when I write, I never mention names & only use general terms.  I will mention my parents or my ex husband, not my parents’ or ex’s names or where they live.  Giving the people you’re writing about anonymity is a good move, because it shows you aren’t trying to ruin anyone’s reputation.  You also can use fake names or change the relationship.

What about a pen name?  Is that something you feel strongly about?  Then use it!  Get creative though.  If your name is Mary Smith, don’t use Mary Smythe as a pen name.  Use something very different from your real name to protect your identity.  Don’t use a family name either since again, it wouldn’t protect your identity well.  If you don’t use a pen name, be prepared.  Your narcissistic parents & their flying monkeys most likely will read your work at some point.  If they’re anything like mine, they’re too nosy not to read it, then try to hurt you with what they read.

Now that you’ve decided you definitely want to write this blog, you need to look into various blogging websites & decided which one to go with.  Compare features & see what sounds good to you.

Obviously, I like WordPress.  It has a lot of really cool features.  I love that I can schedule posts, I don’t have to write & publish posts immediately.  In fact, I have almost 6 months of posts scheduled so that way anytime I need a break, I can take it without worrying about my blog falling behind.  WordPress also has a sharing feature that I adore.  You can connect your social media accounts to your WordPress account, & every time a blog posts publishes, it automatically puts a link on your Facebook, Twitter, Linkedin, etc. pages.

Lastly, you may have a fear like I did when I first started blogging of running out of things to write about.  I can assure you, so long as there are narcissists, you’ll have plenty of material to write about!  lol

I wish you the absolute best on your new endeavor!  xoxo

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Miscellaneous, Narcissism

When No Contact Isn’t An Option

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

Why Do Narcissistic Parents Side With Their Child’s Abuser?

My mother hated my ex husband from the moment she first saw him.  She barely tolerated him after we got married… until he hit me.  At that time, my mother saw me injured a couple of days after, with my ex’s hand prints still bruised on my wrists.  She told my father she couldn’t imagine what I’d done to him to make him hurt me.  Months later, I learned my parents saw my ex around town & were friendly with him.  Around 18 years later, my mother called one day & said my father told her my ex hit me.  She asked if this was true.  I said yes.  She told me how if she would’ve known, she would’ve contacted a lawyer & pursued it.  I also realized during this conversation that seeing me battered meant nothing to my mother, & she forgot it happened.

Sadly, my story is not unique.  Narcissistic parents often side with their child’s abuser.  The facts don’t matter.  According to narcissistic parents, the abuser is right & their child is wrong.  This behavior can be one of the most painful & baffling of the many abusive behaviors of a narcissist.

I have some clues as to why narcissistic parents behave in this manner.

When someone upstages a narcissist in any way, it’s bad in the narcissist’s eyes.  People pity another person covered in bruises or wearing a cast, which means there is less attention for the narcissist.  To a narcissist, this means that person should be punished, & what better way to punish someone than to side with the person who hurt them?

If their child doesn’t have physical evidence of abuse, their parent doesn’t believe them.  Narcissists lie & assume everyone else does.  It’s projection.  So unless their child has evidence of abuse, their parent won’t  even believe they were abused.

Narcissists believe they are the only ones worthy of attention, so when another person, in particular their “lowly” child gets attention, they get angry.  With narcissists, any attention is good attention.  All they see is someone got attention that they didn’t get, & that makes that person bad.

Narcissists don’t want to accept that abuse is wrong, because then they would be wrong.  Rather than face truth, it’s better in a narcissist’s mind to normalize abuse & make the victim bad.

If the abuser was the other parent, making the abuse ok means it was  also ok that they didn’t protect their child.  Remember, with narcissists, everything is about them.  If they can spin your trauma around to how hard it was on them, denying knowing it happened, or denying it happened at all, it makes their lack of protecting their child acceptable.

The abuser is someone a narcissist admires & they’re afraid the victim will make them look bad.  Narcissists care what people other than their victim think of them & certain people’s opinions they value above all else.  If that person hurts their child, their primary concern is still how that person sees them.  As an example, my mother believed my in-laws’ were a big happy family.  When I told my parents my mother in-law was abusive, even siting examples, my mother didn’t believe me.  Until our relationship ended, my mother asked my husband often how his mother was, sent his parents Christmas cards, then bragged to me about sending them cards.

Jealousy is another reason narcissistic parents side with abusers.  In cases where a narcissist’s adult child is being stalked &/or harassed, most narcissists act like the abuser really must love their child rather than realizing the abuser has serious control issues.  This makes them jealous.

Narcissistic parents are often lazy.  Just because they have a child doesn’t mean they want to parent.  They get angry if they have to care for their child, & take the focus off of them for any length of time.

Covert narcissistic parents like to rescue their child.  Coverts gain narcissistic supply from appearing good & kind, so if they can wait until their child is terribly abused, then rescue him or her in some way, it’s  supply to them.

Whatever the reasoning, remember when your narcissistic parent sides with someone who has hurt or abused you, it is just more evidence that your parent is the one with the problem, NOT you!  Normal people don’t side with abusers over victims!  xoxo

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Narcissistic Mothers Abuse Their Daughters About Their Weight

Many narcissistic mothers have issues with food & weight, & in typical narcissistic parent fashion, they pass those issues on to their daughters.

My mother told me how fat & ugly I was so often in my childhood that I went through anorexia at age 10, & later bulimia in my teens.  She continued to insult my weight very harshly until we stopped speaking when I was 45 years old.  Many other daughters of narcissistic mothers I have spoken to have similar stories with their mothers.  Even if they didn’t develop a full blown eating disorder, their mothers convinced them that they were ugly because they are too fat or too thin.

I think this is often because insecurity the reason many people became narcissists.  Insecurity is at the root of their behavior, so everything they do is an attempt to make them feel better about themselves.  The more a narcissist can beat someone down, the more this builds up the narcissist.  They love having the power to destroy another person’s self esteem.  It’s a “high” to them.

Narcissists also like to project their issues & insecurities on others.  In other words, they accuse other people of thinking or acting like they do, even when it’s very obvious that the victim is doing nothing of the sort.  Projection allows them to be angry about their own issues while at the same time not admitting their flaws, accepting any responsibility for them or making appropriate changes in their thoughts, beliefs & behavior.

Also, narcissistic mothers look at their daughters as competition.  If the mother is overweight or underweight, but her daughter has a good figure, it is a guarantee that she will do her level best to make her daughter feel badly about her figure & her appearance in general.  The narcissistic mother can’t handle thinking her daughter is better than her in any area, so in her mind, her daughter must be punished for this.

Narcissistic mothers also want to control their daughters, & one way for them to accomplish this task is to obliterate her daughter’s self esteem.  A person who thinks poorly of herself is easy to manipulate & control.  That person doesn’t believe she is smart enough to know what is right, so she’ll rely on someone else to tell her these things.  She also doesn’t believe she deserves to be treated well & will tolerate some pretty terrible abuse.

If this describes your situation with your narcissistic mother, please remember these things! The things she has said to you are a lie! She is only saying those things to hurt you so she can feel better about herself. DO NOT LISTEN TO HER!!!

Never forget to run to God with your problems.  Ask Him to tell you the truth. Ask Him if what your mother said is accurate or not, then listen for His response.  It may be an audible voice, or it may be a knowing in your heart.  Or, you may hear nothing at the time, but at a later time, you hear a song or read a passage in a book or your Bible that somehow speaks to you, & you know beyond a doubt it is God sending you a message.

I know it can be hard to do these things, but you need to!  You don’t deserve to feel badly about yourself or have eating disorders, especially because of someone else cruelly putting their own issues on you.  You are fearfully & wonderfully made, according to God’s word in Psalms 139:14.  You deserve to love your body, not hate it, especially because of someone else has issues.

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism