When people discover that what they have experienced is narcissistic abuse, they look for answers. Some make the mistake of thinking there are obvious answers, but unfortunately, there isn’t any such thing.
Every narcissist is different. Every victim is different. There are also many gray areas when it comes to dealing with narcissists- very little is black & white. As a result, what works for someone else may not work for you & vice versa. You aren’t going to find anything that maps out your perfect way to healing yourself of ways to cope with a narcissists. You have to try different things to figure out what works best in your situation.
An online friend & I were discussing this topic recently. For her, understanding that her narcissistic mother was abused as a child didn’t help her in the least. In fact, it seemed to make her angrier that her mother would take her issues out on her daughter. While I get that, for me, learning my narcissistic mother was abused helped me to be more understanding & compassionate with her while still maintaining my healthy boundaries. I was able to stay calmer than I once had around my mother. I realized she was wounded & acting out of those wounds because she has no healthy coping skills. Neither my friend nor I are wrong- we’re doing what works for us.
As an author who writes primarily about the topics of narcissism & narcissistic abuse, I have come to realize that as much as I want to help everyone who reads my work, I can’t. The best I can do is explain what I have learned, talk about what works & doesn’t work for me, & discuss my experiences. It’s up to each reader to glean from the books & articles what works for them. Unfortunately, some will be disappointed that what I suggest doesn’t work for their situation.
And, ignore those who say things like, “*fill in the blank* will work for you”. It may work for you. Hopefully it will. But, it also may not work for you. People who say they have the answers may, in fact, be narcissists themselves. I realized that after reading a blog about healing from narcissistic abuse some time ago. The blogger wasn’t open to opinions other than her own. She seemed to think what worked for her would work for everyone, & if you disagreed, you were wrong. For example, no contact. It was the only solution this blogger supported, & there were no excuses for not going no contact. While that makes sense to a degree, not everyone is willing or able to go no contact. What if the narcissist is low on the spectrum? They may be hard to deal with but also tolerable. Plus, going no contact is very hard, especially with your own parents. Not everyone feels capable of going no contact. Low contact may be a better option. Still others live with their narcissistic parent & can’t afford to move out so again, no contact isn’t an option.
That is just one example. There are other authors that are the same way- they believe they have all the answers & you need to listen to them. Be careful whose advice you take when reading about narcissism! If something seems off, trust that feeling. Pray & ask God to show you who you can trust & who you can’t, & help you to get the information that will help you the most.