Narcissists are angry people. They believe they are entitled to say, receive & do anything they want. This includes demanding the blind obedience of their child. Any time their child dares to set a boundary or say no, narcissistic rage will follow.
Rather than own their anger like your average mature adult, narcissists project it onto their child. They accuse their child of having a bad temper. I can’t begin to count the times my mother would see me anywhere from slightly frustrated about something to angry, & in a shaming tone, say, “There’s that Bailey temper!” I heard it enough that I grew up assuming I had a terrible temper. This sort of scenario is very common for children of narcissistic parents.
A narcissistic parent also has no tolerance for any of their child’s emotions, good or bad. In fact, any emotions of the child’s are met with mocking, shaming or even being ignored. The child learns very early in life not to display any emotions because of this.
This type of environment results in a child who grows up full of anger & toxic shame.
Adult children of narcissistic parents need to know that their feelings of anger & shame are normal under the circumstances. There is nothing whatsoever wrong with them for their feelings. They are a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.
That being said, however, it doesn’t mean it’s your lot in life to suffer through life with these feelings. They can be dealt with & healed from with prayer, hard work & time.
My best friend has a saying that I just love, “You have to feel your feels.” In other words, you have to feel your emotions to process them effectively. It’s very true. You do have to feel your feels! It’s ok to get angry about the things you are dealing with. In fact, that is the only way I know of to truly heal. Face those ugly emotions. Talk about them, with someone safe such as a trusted friend & with God. Cry. Write in a journal. The more you do this, the less power they have over you. I don’t know if you’re familiar with the old legends of vampires, but part of the legend is that in darkness, a vampire can do anything. They possess super natural strength & abilities. Yet, that same vampire in the sunlight will turn to dust. Emotional issues are much the same way. If you keep them in the dark by not facing them, they possess a great deal of power. If you bring them into the sunlight by discussing them, that power dissolves.
Another very helpful thing I have learned is to question things. Let’s use the example of my mother accusing me of “that Bailey temper.” When I first started facing this issue, I asked myself why she would say that? What times did I show I had a bad temper? When she’d accuse me of being angry, was I really angry or just frustrated? If I was really angry, why? Was I truly overreacting like my mother said I was? I realized I wasn’t overreacting. When I was frustrated or angry, it was justifiable. In fact, I didn’t get angry easily at all. Later, when I learned about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I also learned about gaslighting & projection, which showed me why my mother said what she did to me.
Doing these things lifted a HUGE weight off my shoulders! I learned the truth about this particular issue, & was set free of being ashamed of my terrible “Bailey temper”.
I encourage you to do the same things I did, Dear Reader. You don’t deserve to suffer any longer with the anger & toxic shame. Use what I did as an example of how to get started, & change things or add to it to help you to heal. You deserve to experience freedom from such toxicity in your life! xoxo