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Tag Archives: author
Since I recently wrote a post for those who are considering writing a blog, I though it’d be a good idea to write another post focused on those who are considering writing a book since I hear from quite a few people who have thought of doing just that.
Quite a few people who have experienced narcissistic abuse want to tell their stories to the world. They are tired of the secrecy, of hiding things that they never should have had to hide. They also want the world to know about narcissistic abuse so other people don’t suffer like they have. I understand how that feels, but still, writing a book isn’t for everyone.
You need to be absolutely positive you can handle your story being able to be read by anyone in the world. This includes your narcissistic parents & their flying monkeys. Is this something you think you can handle? If they find out what you wrote, it could be a very ugly situation, so you need to be emotionally & mentally prepared to handle this possible scenario. I always prayed my parents & their flying monkeys wouldn’t find out what I wrote about, & thank God, they didn’t until after no contact.
Like with writing a blog, you also need to be aware of the slander & libel laws in your state. The last thing you need is a legal battle with a narcissist. Do your best to protect your abuser’s identity. Use fake names. Or, use a pen name for yourself that is nothing like your real name so no one knows it’s you.
There is a lot involved with writing a book. Not only is it a lot of work to write, there are a lot of details involved. How good are you with handling details? How are your writing skills? If they could use some work, a writing class may help you. Read work by authors whose style of writing you like. It may help you find your writing voice.
There are different ways to publish books, too. Many authors like using a traditional publisher. The author writes a book, & hands over the manuscript to the publisher. From there, the publisher edits it, designs the cover & takes care of marketing. The author is under a contract (terms vary from author to author) & usually has an agent to help negotiate the contract terms.
There are also print on demand publishers, sometimes also called self publishers or vanity publishers. There are no contracts or agents involved. In addition to writing the book, the author also edits it, designs the cover & takes care of marketing. Or, the author can pay someone to edit, design the cover & market it.
Which route you opt to take depends on your goals & personality, I think. I use print on demand, because I have physical & mental limitations. Not only do I not do well under pressure, but thanks to brain damage, there are days that I can’t write at all. I need to be able to write on my own schedule, not on someone else’s. I also edit my books which means some editor isn’t going to change my book around. Some editors make such drastic changes, a book is barely recognizable to its author. That would bother me to no end! I had to learn to format my books to look good in various print formats, which took some trial & error. As far as the covers, I have a ridiculously talented cousin who designs some of my covers. Marketing is my weakness, but even so, I take care of it the best I can.
What I do may not work for you at all, & that’s fine. You need to do whatever works for you!
There are also ebooks. I create them along with print because so many people like reading on their kindle or nook. I really recommend doing the same. Ebooks are a great way to get your work out there.
You also need to figure out what is best- to create your writing as a business or not. Look into it to decide if you wish to incorporate or not. I haven’t, & one plus is it keeps my income taxes are very simple.
Whatever you opt to do, I wish you success in your endeavors! Writing a book isn’t easy, but especially when the topic is such a difficult & painful one. You’re brave for doing it & should be proud of yourself for taking this step! xoxo
I never, ever want to come across as someone who trashes other authors, especially those who write about the same topics I do. I realize we all have our different views even on the same topic, & honestly, I think that’s pretty cool! Different people can have different ideas & views, so I think it’s great when a person finds an author they can relate to, even if it’s not me. The most important thing is that people find the help they need.
That being said..
Recently I was scrolling Facebook & saw a meme from one blogger with whom I’ve had issues. We were friends on Facebook several years ago, & followed each other’s blogs. A couple of months into our new friendship, I began to see some signs of narcissism. I hoped I was just being paranoid, but I kept looking for whatever the truth was. Then one day, her mask came off. She disagreed with something I said in a blog post & proceeded to tell me how wrong I was. Some of my regular readers disagreed with her & told her that. She then blocked & unfriended me. Mind you, I wasn’t even online at the time & didn’t know this was happening until hours later.. yet, she still was mad at & blamed me.
This, Dear Readers, is why I try to remind you fairly often not to blindly follow or believe in anyone, not even me. Not that I don’t appreciate having fans. I really do appreciate every single one of you. The truth is though that we all are imperfect. We may share something we honestly think is true only to find out later it isn’t. Or, we may share some advice that helped us but it may not help you simply because of the differences in our personalities.
Plus, there are some who write about narcissism that are narcissists. I admit, I haven’t seen that often, but I have seen it, such as in the story I told earlier. Narcissists are attracted to helping professions such as police, teachers, pastors, therapists & more. It makes sense they would want to write to reach others & manipulate them that way. There’s also the admiration factor. If someone has been helped by something you wrote, that person is going to admire you. That is a nice ego boost to anyone, but it’s huge narcissistic supply to a narcissist.
If you start to follow someone on social media or a blog who writes about narcissism, there are some red flags to narcissism to look for.
How does the person interact with his or her readers? The blogger I mentioned? Her followers had almost a cult/cult leader relationship with her. Regulars never disagreed with her. If a new follower dared to disagree, the regular followers got angry with the one who disagreed. She would diffuse the situation eventually, but came across smug when she did, saying things like that person just doesn’t know any better because they haven’t been through what she (the blogger) has. The person who disagreed would disappear quickly.
Another red flag is does the person constantly brag, even in a subtle way. The blogger I mentioned did that constantly. She mentioned on a regular basis how many people looked to her for advice, including mental health professionals (she wasn’t one, just FYI).
An attitude of superiority with readers is not good either. Granted, most of us who have been writing about NPD have been doing so for a long time & know a lot. That being said though, we don’t know everything, & if we’re smart, we’re well aware of that! Also, watch how this person answers questions. A narcissist will act like the question is stupid, or she is too good to have time to respond to such a question, whereas the average person won’t act that way.
This blogger also only shared memes that she made of things she has said or articles she has written. That was a big red flag, because I’ve never seen that with any other blogger or author. Most want to help people, & will share helpful memes & articles often, no matter who has written them.
Unfortunately, it’s impossible to avoid narcissists entirely. At least you can be aware of the subtle signs of narcissism people exhibit online so you know who you need to avoid.
There is one thing I’ve noticed that sometimes happens with people who write about narcissistic abuse. They become smug.
As an example, I’ve seen conversations online where someone has recently learned their mother is a narcissist. She’s naturally overwhelmed & relieved, as all of us in that position have been. She finds someone who writes on the topic & follows them on social media. This author responds to her comments by telling her “Just go no contact. I don’t know why you’re dragging your feet about it. I did 8 years ago & it worked fine for me.”
Thankfully, I haven’t seen this scenario often, but I have seen it. No one in this position needs shaming, especially at this time. She needs understanding, compassion & information! She also needs time to let this newfound knowledge sink in before she can even think about making such a huge decision as no contact. Learning your mother is the abuser & you’re the victim rather than the other way around is a shock. It takes time to accept, & that is the first step in healing from narcissistic abuse.
If you write about narcissistic abuse, there are times it can be frustrating when you’re speaking with someone in an abusive situation who isn’t making moves to protect themselves. Once you’ve been there, done that & found freedom from your abuser, you often can see what would be the best course of action for other people in similar situations to take. It can be very frustrating that they either can’t or won’t see it too.
If you get angry or smug in those situations, you may be dealing with burnout or compassion fatigue. When you write about narcissistic abuse, you pretty much live & breathe narcissism. People tell you their stories, you do research, & you work on your own emotional healing. Chances are good you also have C-PTSD. Narcissism is a huge part of your life & you get tired of it. Although you want to help people, sometimes you want to never think of this topic again. When people tell you their stories, you can feel indifferent to their suffering & their need for good information. That is a big sign of compassion fatigue. It isn’t that you don’t care. You do. You’re simply burned out & need a break.
Compassion fatigue is common in helping professions such as those in the medical field, caregivers, counselors/therapists, or law enforcement. It’s very evident by how they interact with people. Have you been to a doctor who acts like you’re bothering him with your health concern or seen a caregiver in a nursing home who is testy with the patients? That is compassion fatigue. Thankfully, it’s fixable.
When you realize that you feel burned out & even indifferent to people’s problems, it’s time to take action immediately. Take a break. I don’t mean 15 minutes away from what you do. I mean as much time as you can. If you run an online forum, find someone who you know you can trust who can watch it for a few days. If you write a blog, I highly recommend writing many blog posts that you can schedule to publish so if you need a break, your blog continues on as normal in your absence. If you’re working on a book, stop. Take time away from it.
Once you’ve decided to take a break, spend your time doing things that nurture you. Pray, spend time in nature, snuggle your furkids, watch funny movies or listen to music. And, do NOT think about narcissism! If you have flashbacks, nightmares or intrusive thoughts, I know this is a challenge since those things have a mind of their own. If they happen, deal with them as usual & once that is done, resume not thinking about narcissism.
Also, reevaluate your boundaries. You can’t help everyone- you aren’t God! That’s ok! Instead of trying to help everyone, pray with or for them. Remind them that they need to pray as well as read their Bible.
Reevaluate how you spend your time. Find where you can cut back on obligations, & do it. This will give you more free time which is so vital to your mental health.
Pray. Ask God to show you what changes you should make & how to make them. Ask Him to weed out the people in your life that aren’t good for you & that you’re not good for, so you have more time for those that are good for you.
Writing about narcissistic abuse can be incredibly difficult, I know. It is possible though when you don’t neglect yourself. Good self care will make you a better writer as well as a happier person.
I saw a meme on Facebook earlier today. It said, “Write as though your mother will never read it.” Considering what I write about, I liked it. I also realize many of you who read my blog either currently write about the narcissistic abuse you’ve been through or are considering doing it. This meme made me think of sharing a bit of encouragement for you today.
I know writing about the worst, most painful experiences in your life isn’t easy. It’s hard writing out your experiences. Seeing them in black & white makes them more real & can make the pain of them even worse. There is something good about this pain though. It’s also validating, seeing your traumatic experiences in writing. You get the validation you never got. You can’t minimize your suffering or deny that the experiences were horrific when you see them in writing. Writing also can help you to process the trauma in a way speaking about it doesn’t. While you’re writing to help others, you’re also helping yourself.
Writing about the abuse inflicted on you also can be intimidating. What if your abuser reads it? That thought can be utterly terrifying. It was for me at first. I worried what would happen if my parents learned I was writing about the abuse inflicted on me as a child?! How would they respond? Could I cope with it? How? Would they try to sue me for libel? Would the flying monkeys attack me? A million awful questions ran through my mind. After time & prayer, I finally was able to ignore those questions. I began to trust that God would not only allow me to write about whatever He wanted me to, but He also would enable me to deal with any fallout from my parents or flying monkeys.
You can trust Him to help you too. You also can use some common sense ways to protect yourself.
- You can use a pen name. Many authors have written books under a pseudonym to protect their identity. If you’re writing a blog rather than books, you can avoid using your name entirely. You can name your blog something like, “Daughter Of A Narcissistic Mother” or, “My Ex Is A Narcissist”. Many bloggers use this method of protecting their identity, & it seems to be quite effective.
- You can change the names of people in your writing. As an example, don’t refer to your narcissistic brother Steve by his real name. Call him Paul instead. You also could change the relationship. You could say he’s your cousin rather than your brother.
- Never give specifics in your writing. Don’t mention your abuser’s address obviously, but also don’t mention the name of the town they live in.
- Always remember what libel is & write accordingly. According to the Cornell Law School, libel is defined as follows: “Libel is a method of defamation expressed by print, writing, pictures, signs, effigies, or any communication embodied in physical form that is injurious to a person’s reputation, exposes a person to public hatred, contempt or ridicule, or injures a person in his/her business or profession.”
- Stick to the facts only. Tell your stories in a matter of fact way, leaving emotion out of it wherever possible. When your emotions are vital to the story, you can say comments like, “When my abuser did _____, it made me feel _____.” If you come across angry in your writing or calling your abuser names, your writing could come across as libelous. Sticking to a matter of fact way of telling your story avoids that.
- If you’re considering writing your autobiography, you also can write it as a fictional story rather than non fiction. Change some details around to make your fictional story a bit different than your real story.
Regarding your abuser & possibly flying monkeys reading your work, with any luck, they won’t. I was fortunate in that my parents didn’t care to read my writing. In fact, my mother told me it was nothing but a waste of time. Not everyone is that fortunate, however. If this happens, remember what I’ve said before about protecting yourself from these attacks. Block the narcissist’s & flying monkeys’ access to you in every possible way. Document their abuse in case you need it in the future. Save screen shots, emails & texts to some type of cloud storage or email it to yourself rather than simply on your phone or computer so it’s protected against failing electronics. If they create a smear campaign against you, don’t react to it. Your reaction won’t change the minds of anyone who wants to believe it & the narcissist & flying monkeys will claim your reaction is proof that you are what they say you are.
If you feel led to write about your experiences with narcissistic abuse, it may not be easy but I can promise you that it will be very rewarding! I wish you only the best! xoxo
I’ve noticed something about some people who write blogs or facebook pages. Not all of course, but quite a few seem to think they have all the answers. Many of these authors do have a great deal of wisdom, don’t misunderstand me. They offer plenty of helpful insight. However, being human, they can be wrong sometimes, too. I have seen some provide information I am 100% sure is wrong while stating that information as fact.
Don’t get me wrong- I’m not trying to trash other authors in the hopes you will follow me only, or say that I have all the answers. I hope I don’t sound that way, because that isn’t the case. I’m learning as I go just like you are, & share what I learn as I learn it & as I believe God leads me.
I’m telling you this because when you read blogs, facebook pages, books & websites like mine, you need to be aware that sometimes, the authors may make mistakes (yes, me too, even though I try not to!). It’s never wise to blindly assume everything someone writes is 100% accurate, even if the person is an expert. Besides, even your personal beliefs may clash with an author’s, & that is fine too. You can follow an author’s writing without agreeing with 100% of everything he or she says.
Also, unfortunately some who write about narcissists are narcissists themselves. I know it is hard to believe, but I have seen it first hand. I used to follow someone who from pretty early on, I noticed a few signs of narcissism. I thought I was just over sensitive. As time wore on, she read something I wrote & commented how wrong I was. Another fan defended me, & they got into a rather heated disagreement online. This happened after I got off my computer for the night, so I didn’t know about it until the following morning. I was shocked that morning to discover what happened, & to discover the other author blocked me.
This was a learning experience though.
I learned that if your instincts are telling you someone is a narcissist, even if she teaches on the topic, don’t ignore that gut feeling! It’s there for a reason! Watch her carefully, as what she says & how she treats her readers will reveal the truth eventually.
Also, watch how a person states information. If they brag about how much they know or are admired, those are narcissistic red flags.
Someone who discusses her experiences in a manner as if to say no one can have a different experience is most likely a narcissist.
Be aware of someone who is not open to others having different beliefs or handling things in a way that isn’t as if the author would handle it. There are so many gray areas when it comes to topics like narcissistic abuse or C-PTSD. Some authors only believe in no contact, for example, & can be shaming to those of us who aren’t no contact. (The one I mentioned above talked to me as if I was a fool for going low contact with my narcissistic mother instead of no contact.) This type of person fails to realize that there is no one size fits all way to handle narcissists.
Mostly though, rely on God. Ask Him to help you know who to read & what information of those authors is applicable to you. Matthew 10:16 says, “Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves.” (KJV) That is exactly how you need to be in every area in life, including your own healing from narcissistic abuse!
Recently I was talking with someone who made sure I know she believes my writing isn’t important, even knowing that I believe writing is one of my purposes in life.
This sort of thing happens a lot more often than I like. My writing as well as what I write about are often trivialized. I also know it happens to so many others who have been abused & share their story, which breaks my heart. I’ve been dealing with invalidation for so long, that I’m used to it. It makes me angry, but I know that what I said is valid, & people who invalidate others have issues. Normal, healthy people respect other people enough not to trivialize their painful experiences, even if they don’t understand them or agree with them. Many others who experience this painful type of invalidation haven’t reached that place yet, & are discouraged or deeply hurt by such cruel words. This makes me so angry, which is partly why I write about this topic so often.
I read something that explained beautifully why those of us who have been through abuse should continue to tell our story, & I wanted to share it with you today…
“There is nothing safe in sharing your story. There is nothing safe about turning your own soul inside out with the details that come slowly or quickly, from shallow breaths or deep within, from the light or from the shadows. There is nothing safe about sharing the images painted within your memories, the language that proves a life has been lived, the details scratched into paper from blood, from skin, from love, & fear. Nothing protects what is spoken, read or heard. There are no shields against bitter misunderstanding, jealousy or prejudice- yet we speak. We sing. We write in the hopes of changing the world. We share the truth we have lived & the characters we have loved. In moments of courage, we give it all away.” – Mardra Sikora
Please remember this wonderful quote when someone tries to keep you quiet! You have every right to share your story & to help others by doing so. In fact, you should celebrate yourself by being brave enough to share your story & caring enough to do it in spite of your own fears!
My current book, “It’s All About ME! The Facts About Maternal Narcissism” is almost ready for publishing in print & ebook forms! I am hopeful to have this done in the very near future. I’d like to say within a few days, but since I never know how I’m going to feel (thank you, C-PTSD), I’ll say within a couple of weeks instead just to be safe. I will post when it is published, & share links of where the books can be purchased.
Thank you everyone for your support & encouragement while writing this difficult book!
I read a wonderful article on writing this morning. It consists of advice from the Master of Horror himself, Stephen King!!
Whether you like his writing or not, if you wish to be an author of any genre, I strongly advise reading this article. The advice just makes sense! These tips are from his book, “On Writing- A Memoir Of The Craft,” which I also highly recommend. I love that book-it’s written very to the point, & it’s easy to understand, too. It’s also entertaining to read- it feels as if Mr. King is talking to you over a cup of coffee- & is chock full of wonderful advice.
And speaking of writing….
My current book about maternal narcissism is getting very close to completion. I hope you readers won’t be disappointed. It’s a bit shorter than I’d anticipated, but I believe it is full of tons of good information for daughters and sons of a narcissistic mother. I also believe the information is good for adult children of a narcissistic father as well.
Good afternoon, Dear Readers! I thought you might like to see this…
With some very valuable input from the hubby, I created the cover for my new book. I’m not entirely sure this is going to be the title, but probably about 85% sure of it. (I’m toying with changing it from “The Facts About Maternal Narcissism” to “Parental Narcissism. Not sure though!) The wording will be the only thing that changes if I decide to change the title. I like the simplicity yet boldness of the cover.
Here is the front cover…
And, here is the back cover…
Now that the cover is complete, I’ll be getting back to work on completing the book! It’s getting close!
Good news! My publisher is offering 40% off all print versions of my books until November 4th!! Just enter code FALLSALE40 at checkout. All of my books are available for sale in print & ebook forms at the link below..
To me, one of the most frustrating parts of Complex PTSD is the lack of ability to find the right words. Either in conversation or when writing, this can make me want to scream!
I’ve been trying to work on my newest book today, I have an idea where I want this part of the story to go, yet somehow I can’t get it from out of my mind, into the book.
I know this problem is because the trauma I have experienced in my life was so extreme, it actually caused physical damage to some parts of my brain. I also know that lately I have been stressed. Having a sick kid, whether human or animal, will do that. But my word, it still gets frustrating sometimes!
I struggle with not “beating myself up” during these times. I want to tell myself to get with it. To stop fiddling around & get to work. Yet, that only makes things worse.
Sometimes, when things get this way, I think the best thing we can do for ourselves is to relax. Whether for five minutes of five hours- whatever we need. Watch a good movie, read a good book, go for a walk, play a game, snuggle your furkids, meditate, (best idea yet) pray, or some combination of all of the above.
So I guess I will be relaxing today with my chamomile tea instead of writing. It’s my husband’s birthday today, & when he gets home from work, he doesn’t need a frazzled wife. He needs to be able to enjoy his special day as much as possible.
What can you do to take care of yourself today?
Good afternoon, Dear Readers. I hope this post finds you well today!
I just wanted to let you know that I created a facebook group for my fans. Here is the link:
Hope to see you there! 🙂
Good morning! Hope everyone is doing well today!
I know some of you lovely fans are also aspiring writers. Because of that, I wanted to let you know that there is a fantastic movie out there that is really inspiring. “Finding Forrester” with Sean Connery. In the movie, he is a prize winning author of one published book who went into hiding. A young man meets him, & they end up friends. The
I just watched this movie Sunday for about the thousandth time.. lol I thought I should share it with you. Even if you aren’t an aspiring writer, it is a wonderful movie. I happen to love Sean Connery- never seen him in a role yet that I didn’t think he gave an amazing performance, & this was no exception. So check it out if you have a chance- you won’t be disappointed, I’m sure!
Have a wonderful day! 🙂
Good morning, Dear Readers!
I just wanted to let you know that my latest book is really coming along well. I reached my goal as far as pages yesterday- in fact, surpassed it by three. I should have it published very soon- I have to edit it, then design the front & back covers. That shouldn’t take long. Today, I am taking off to go to lunch with a dear friend, but I’ll be back to work shortly..
Have a great day, & a blessed weekend!
Good afternoon, Dear Readers! I realized since my last post that I have something else to add to my last post of advice for writers.. when working on an emotional project, it is best to take some time off as needed. I have burned out a bit. This current book is very difficult for me, & very freeing at the same time. I have been very tired the last few days, & feeling rather empty. My husband made a good point- he said that since I’ve been putting so much into this book, that I am empty. I’m purging the bad, but not replacing it with anything good. Make sense? So, I am trying to think of ways to do just that. I’ve taken a few days off, for the purpose of goofing off & focusing on other things. I will get back at it soon, though. Might even do a little writing today- we’ll see! Have a blessed day!
It has been a very busy week around my home…
As if yesterday, the book is now at 162 pages! I don’t expect it to be a terribly long book- I’m aiming for at least about 180 pages. But, it should be a very good one nonetheless. Quality of the pages over quanity, yanno?
Writing this book has become quite an education. I would like to share some of what I learned with you, Dear Readers, in case any of you also are writers, or are considering becoming a writer:
- Writing is work- never underestimate that. Just because you aren’t digging ditches for 80 hours per week doesn’t mean you aren’t working. Take care of yourself, & don’t work too hard. Learn your limits. Take breaks as needed to regroup- it will enable you to be more productive when you do write.
- Take you writing seriously. If you don’t, no one else will. It doesn’t matter if you have published 70 books or none- if you want to be a writer, it is a valid career choice.
- Set reasonable goals. I read somewhere once that Stephen King writes 2,000 words per day, every single day of the year. That is a very reasonable goal.. for him. I’ve learned that I don’t want to write every single day- some days, I want to goof off & go shopping with a friend or knit or just watch scary old movies. Some days, I have other things to do, like work on my car or clean my house or take care of a sick pet. Rather than beat myself up over that, I use his 2,000 words as a basic goal- on the days that I do write, I make myself have a limit of 2,000 words minimum. Some days, I write just that, & others, I write 7,000. Depends on the mood. If I’m only editing my work, there’s no goal for a word count.
- I also set reasonable goals for completing a book. When I first started writing my current book last year, I thought I could finish it fast. I had trouble with it, & became discouraged very fast. I couldn’t write for several months, & discouragement was partly why. When I started the book over again, & got a feel for how it was going this time, I set a goal to finish it by the end of this year. Realistically, I think it will be done much sooner, but if it isn’t, I’m still at my reasonable goal.
- Be patient & understanding with yourself. Don’t beat yourself up when writer’s block happens. It happens to everyone, even the greatest authors.
- Remember, quality over quanity. Better to write 2 great books in your career than 1,000 mediocre ones! Or, better to write books of 150 pages that are amazing, than 900 pages of trash.
- Be true to yourself- write what you are comfortable with writing. Fiction or non-fiction, if you are comfortable with the topic of your book or article, it comes through, & makes people interested in your work.
- Inspire yourself. Whatever inspires you to want to write, focus on it as much as possible.
- Lastly but most importantly, I pray before I write every time. I ask God to help me create this book for His glory & to help many, many people. I also invite Him to help me write. Doing that helps me write easier & better.
I hope these tips help enable you to become the great writer you can be. 🙂
Welcome to my new blog! Apparently my last blogger deleted the old one without notifying me. Imagine my surprise..lol
I also want to apologize to everyone for not keeping up with blogging. I’m not particularly good at it, plus lately, I have been experiencing many personal and family problems that have kept me from working. Long story short, I believe I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. (I say believe because I have not been to a counselor) Finally I know what is wrong! It gives me hope- after all, you can’t fix a problem if you don’t know what it is!
I am hoping and praying to get back to work soon on my current book that I have been neglecting for way to long. I still do not feel up to working just yet, but I am sure God has a reason for this break. One thing of which I am absolutely certain- God has a reason for absolutely everything! He is absolutely worthy of our trust and love. 🙂
God bless you, Dear Reader. Thank you for always being there!