Tag Archives: beliefs

Spiritual Bypassing

I recently read about a term called spiritual bypassing.  It was coined by a psychologist named John Welwood in the 1980’s.  The term is used to describe when a person uses their religious beliefs to avoid dealing with uncomfortable things, healing old wounds & meeting important psychological needs.

 

While the term applies to all religions, I thought of it as to how it relates to Christianity since I’m not overly familiar with most other religions & most of my readers are also Christians.

 

Also, please know that I’m not trying to judge anyone.  I’ve been guilty of doing some of these things myself.

 

Becoming very active in church activities.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with being active in your church, but when you spend more time at church than with your family, something is wrong.  It needs to be done in balance.  Otherwise, resentments can build & trouble starts in your relationships.  You may even develop a superior attitude because you participate so much in your church.

 

Judging people for being angry or hurt.  The Bible says we shouldn’t let the sun go down on our anger.  Jesus said we are to forgive those who trespass against us in the Lord’s prayer.  Seems obvious to me that we’re going to feel angry or hurt sometimes, otherwise the need to forgive wouldn’t be mentioned in the Bible.  Remember, there is nothing wrong with anger or hurt.  They are God-given emotions that tell us when something isn’t right.  It’s what we do with the emotions that can be wrong.

 

Ignoring your own anger or hurt in favor of saying you forgive that person.  Maybe you think it makes you holy to claim forgiveness rather than facing your negative emotions, but it only sets you up for problems.  Emotions demand to be heard, especially the strong ones like anger.  If you ignore them, they will find another way to be heard, & most likely, not such a good way.

 

Being too positive.  So many people in the world emphasize the importance of thinking positively.  Positive confessions are stressed as very important.  People are criticized for “being too negative” if they admit they are struggling or hurting.  In fact, people can be downright shamed for discussing abuse since it’s so “negative”.  I’ve been told I need to “get over my childhood hurts” for example, which at the time, was extremely painful to hear.  I felt ashamed.  I felt like I was making too big of a deal out of being abused.  I felt like a bad Christian for not just forgiving & forgetting.  The truth is though, that when I tried to be positive, not talk or think about what I’ve gone through, & to “forgive & forget,” I was miserable.  Now that I’m open with my experiences, & facing things head on, I’m not so miserable.  I started using good boundaries.  I’ve gotten a more balanced view of my situation- bad things happened to me.  Horrible things, really, but God brought me through them & is helping me to heal.  He’s also helping me to write about my experiences to help others which I love doing.  I can’t honestly say I’m grateful for my bad experiences, but I’m grateful good has come from them.

 

Claiming to be happy 100% of the time.  Yes, in God’s presence is fullness of joy, according to the Psalms.  Yes, Jesus told us to “be of good cheer.”  However, no one is above feeling bad sometimes.  It’s not a sin to feel sad, scared, hurt or angry.  They are natural reactions to abnormal circumstances. Jesus wasn’t exactly happy in the Garden of Gethsemane now was He?  Or, when He flipped over the vendors’ tables in the church.  He also got frustrated with the apostles & their lack of faith.  Even Jesus wasn’t above feeling emotions other than joy.

 

Trying to be perfect all of the time.  People are NOT perfect!  If we were, we wouldn’t need Jesus now would we?  ’nuff said!

 

Seeing the best in people.  I have given up looking for the best in people, & instead, look for the real in people.  If you only see the best, you can set yourself up to be taken advantage of or victimized in some way, because you’d feel guilty for being negative or judgmental.  It just makes sense to be realistic about people.  There is nothing wrong with that!  Jesus basically told His apostles the same thing.  Matthew 10:16 says, “Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves.” (KJV)  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health

Self Doubt As You Heal From Narcissistic Abuse

Recently I had a dream.  After praying about it, God showed me its meaning.  I have a great deal of self doubt.  I knew I did, but didn’t realize just how bad it was until this dream.  As I heal from narcissistic abuse & learn & grow, it takes me further & further from the abuse & dysfunction I’ve always known.  While it’s certainly a good thing, it’s also awkward.  I have a lot of times wondering if I’m doing what’s right.  Am I wrong?  Worse yet, am I crazy like my mother has said I was so many times?

I think this must be a common thing for adult children of narcissistic parents.  We grow up hearing how wrong we are about everything.  Whatever we think & feel is wrong.  Having needs & wants is wrong.  Likes & dislikes are wrong, too.  We know whatever it is, we are wrong, period, & this dysfunctional belief carries over into adulthood.  Plus, narcissistic parents speak as if whatever they say is the gospel truth.  If your narcissistic mother says something, no matter how ludicrous, no matter what truth you see yourself, it is right & you need to accept that!  Don’t believe what you see or know- believe your narcissistic mother instead!

These two things lay the groundwork for you to grow up having a great deal of doubts about yourself, especially as you heal.

While I believe this is totally normal, that doesn’t mean it is comfortable or right.

As you heal & have so many doubts, I think this is a sign to lean on God more & more.  Ask Him to help you to heal, & to have the wisdom to know what is truly right.  Ask Him to help you see if you’re heading down the wrong path & to get back on the right one.  Ask Him to help you to have the confidence to follow Him rather than the dysfunctional beliefs of your childhood.

Learn to listen to your heart, your instincts.  I believe instincts are actually the Holy Spirit guiding us, which is why they are so accurate.  Listen to them, & you will know what is right for you.

Never forget- just because your mother says something doesn’t mean it is right.  Narcissistic mothers only care about themselves & what benefits them.  They will lie to you if it benefits them to do so.  In fact, narcissists are notorious liars.  Chances are your mother lied to you a great deal & regularly practiced gaslighting on you.  You need to form your own beliefs & opinions, especially when it comes to your healing, disregarding the things she has told you.

1 Comment

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism