Much like my last post, this one was inspired by some random ponderings related to my first marriage.
Let me set the stage for our third wedding anniversary. My ex & I were living with his parents, which was his idea & not something I wanted to do. About 2 months prior, I spontaneously severed ties with my mother. I don’t even remember why anymore, but I was angry at her. My ex also pressured me about kicking her out of my life for years. I pretty much just snapped. I hadn’t felt right about severing ties with my mother since doing it, because it wasn’t well thought out.
On the day of our anniversary, both of his parents were home, & planning to drive to my ex father in-law’s sister’s home in PA for Christmas, as they always did. My ex mother in-law & I were in the kitchen talking when the phone rang. She answered it, & suddenly darted around the corner. It was unusual, but I didn’t think much more of it. Later after my ex got home from work, I looked at the caller ID in our room & saw my parents’ number. Immediately it clicked- that was why his mom hid from me while on the phone. I mentioned it to him & said maybe I should call her back (obviously this was well before learning about NPD). He got furious with me & I got furious back. I got in my car & left to cool off for a bit.
When I got home an hour or two later, my ex mother in-law was waiting for me. She took me aside & told me I had to make things right. I upset my ex so badly, he was punching walls after I left.
I ended up being the bad guy in this whole situation. For upsetting my ex & also upsetting his parents by “storming out of the house without telling anyone i was leaving” (I was 22- didn’t realize I had to check in with anyone at this point in my life..).
You know something though? If my mother hadn’t called, none of this would have happened. She knew my ex hated her as much as she hated him. She had to know her calling would start a fight between us. Yet, she called anyway, & on our wedding anniversary of all days!
There’s also my ex. Another narcissist, he had to make my painful situation with my mother all about him & what he wanted & what he thought I should do. He also had to make sure his parents knew just how upset he was & how that was all my fault, knowing his mother would intervene.
This is typical narcissist behavior!! They just had to ruin what should have been a special & happy day. They use anything they can to destroy any joy in their victim’s life.
My point in sharing this with you, Dear Reader, is this. If you have a narcissist in your life in any way – parent, spouse, cousin, anything – be prepared for your special days to be ruined. This is one of their favorite tactics. My third anniversary with my ex is hardly the only special day that has been ruined by narcissists in my life. Countless birthday have been miserable. So many Thanksgivings & Christmases have been ruined by narcissists like my pushy, demanding in-laws & my ex & current husbands opting to spend those days with them over me that now I absolutely dread those two holidays. I used to thoroughly enjoy Christmas (not Thanksgiving so much), & now once November 1 arrives, I start dreading the pending holidays & am pretty angry until they’re done.
Narcissists love to destroy any joy in their victims. Probably because they want their victims to be as miserable as they are. It also makes them feel powerful if they can have some control over a person’s emotions. Feeling powerful is great narcissistic supply, after all, so it’s no wonder they enjoy this scenario so much.
Obviously, there is no way to stop a narcissist from ruining your special days. The best advice I have is to keep in mind that they are going to try ruining them at some point so you aren’t shocked when it happens. It will help you to be prepared.
Your best bet is if at all possible, avoid the narcissist completely on special days. If you can’t, try to keep in mind they aren’t happy until those around them are totally miserable like they are. Deprive them of that narcissistic supply. Don’t let them see that what they do & say bothers you.