Today, my lower back began to hurt after a long time of no pain.
I hadn’t pay attention to the date. This time of year in 1990 was turbulent for me. I was 19 & had moved out of my parents house immediately following my first nervous breakdown that May. I had been engaged to my now ex husband, but broke up with him shortly after. I dated two other men over the next few months, one of which I moved in with. We were very ill suited for each other, & on our third month anniversary, November 23, I told him I was moving out. He spent most of that night screaming at me. (Sadly, I was so used to my mother screaming at me, I fell asleep during his ranting- he wasn’t nearly as volatile as she was). I moved back in with my parents the next day. That arrangement lasted until the 28th (yes, 4 days) before I had to leave my parents’ house again. That was the evening my mother threw me into a wall & hurt my back during an argument.
Over the years, I’ve tried not to think much about that time in my life. The man I lived with has since committed suicide, & after 10 years of back pain, God healed me. It all seemed over & done with. Apparently not, though since my body is acting up.
This is what a body memory is like.
Your mind may not remember a traumatic incident, but your body remembers everything.
I think body memories can be a good thing, although they certainly don’t feel good at the time. They make you question what is happening, which can reveal a repressed memory. Once a repressed memory is revealed, you must deal with it or continue to repress it. The best thing I have found to do is deal with it. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it’s painful. However, I believe memories come back to the conscious mind at a time when you are most able to deal with them. I think God allows things to be hidden when you simply cannot deal with them, then brings them back to your remembrance when you can.
If you experience sudden pain, anxiety or depression with no known cause, you too may be experiencing a body memory. Often, body memories are physical but they can be emotional too. Today before my back began to hurt, I realized I’ve been extremely emotional, mostly anxious. If such things happen to you, you aren’t crazy. You are simply experiencing a body memory!
I would urge you to ask God what is happening, then listen for His answer. That’s what I finally did, this afternoon when my back began to hurt. I am glad He showed me what was going on! Now I know I haven’t physically injured my back & I’m not crazy for being so emotional!
Once He shows you what is happening, then it is time to work with Him on your healing. Ask God to show you what you need to do. He truly will!
Also, you need to get your feelings out. If you can, tell God how you feel. Sometimes, talking out loud can be too difficult when the subject matter is especially painful. During those times, you can pray silently, write in your journal or write a letter to the person who abused you. I urge you never to send that letter- chances are, it’d only cause a great deal of trouble- but writing it then throwing it out, burning it or even keeping it hidden where it can’t be found can be surprisingly helpful.
Rest assured, Dear Reader, if you experience body memories like I do, you really aren’t crazy! What you are is someone who has experienced trauma, & that is nothing for you to be ashamed of.