Tag Archives: borderline personality disorder

Keeping Blame In Perspective

Many people who have survived an abusive situation are told you can’t blame your abuser.  He or she didn’t know what he or she was doing.  Or, that person is mentally ill.  Or, he/she was abused as a child.  Or a plethora of other reasons a person can’t be mad at their abuser.  This invalidates the pain the victim feels!  It immediately makes you feel guilty because you have problems stemming from being abused.  I know- I have been in this position myself.

While I’m not saying we need to blame every problem in life on being abused, I am saying we need to keep a healthy perspective on it.  In my case as an example, my mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder & Borderline Personality Disorder.  When I first learned of her disorders, I felt guilty for having problems that stem from her abuse when I was growing up.  I didn’t think I should hold her responsible- after all, these are disorders!  She must not be responsible for how she acts!  Then I can’t be angry or hurt or have problems that stem from things she did to me.  Besides, that was a long time ago..

Then I learned that personality disorders describe a way someone behaves, rather than physical brain damage, such as Schizophrenia or PTSD.  And, many of the things my mother did to me were hidden, even from my father.  That tells me she knew what she was doing was wrong.  After all, if one is proud of one’s actions, they aren’t hidden.  

I have since learned to have a healthy perspective.  While I do blame my mother for me having C-PTSD, I take responsibility for how I cope with it.  I blame her for my lifetime of low self-esteem, yet I try to find ways to keep a healthy self-esteem.  While she is to blame for the damage done to me, it is my responsibility to heal as best I can.  Part of that healing, I believe, is knowing that the damage done is NOT my fault!  I did nothing to deserve the horrible things that were done to me!

You did nothing to deserve the abuse you endured either!  Keep the blame for what was done where it belongs- squarely on the abuser.  You have absolutely NO responsibility for what was done to you.  However, you DO have a responsibility to heal.  Ask God to show you how- what steps you need to take.  And, as you heal, you may find out that God wants to use your story to help others heal, & inspire others.  That may help you heal even more than you know!  Blessing & inspiring others is a beautiful feeling!  

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

Borderline Personality Disorder In Relationships

Recently I learned that a man I dated in 1990 committed suicide after killing his male lover.  And, the previous week, he was arrested on drunkenly pulling a gun on a woman in his neighborhood.  This was a complete shock to me, & I’ve thought so much about it lately.  I wondered if I could’ve done something different, or if somehow I set him on this downward spiral, playing things over & over again in my mind…

Today something else came to mind- Borderline Personality Disorder.  Some symptoms are:

  • unstable personal relationships, going between idealizing & devaluing the other person.
  • intense fear of abandonment.
  • intense anger- a bad temper.
  • clingy in relationships.
  • seldom see themselves as the problem.

In my case, this man I dated was very possessive & jealous.  He went from treating me like a queen to screaming at me, often in a very short span of time.  The night I told him I wanted to end our relationship he screamed at me for several hours.  He also wanted to marry me within the first week of our relationship.  We ended up engaged, but not because he proposed or gave me a ring- he simply stated that we WOULD get married.  He also told me we WOULD have a lot of kids, even though he knew I never wanted to have children.  He even wanted me to get rid of my car & drive the car that he thought I should drive.  Thankfully, he didn’t hit me, but there were times I was sure he wanted to.  I spent our relationship feeling as if I was walking on eggshells.  Interestingly, the cat I had just adopted not long before I broke up with this man would NOT leave my side while we were together.  I think Magic knew something was very wrong from the beginning- he was a very intuitive cat & very protective of me.  

If you are involved with someone who acts like this, do yourself a favor- RUN!  It won’t take long & you will begin to wonder if you’re crazy.  You will feel guilty constantly, even when you have no reason to.  You will feel like you must watch every word you say & everything you do, so you don’t upset him.  People with BPD can be dangerous to themselves and/or others.  After all, look what happened to my ex boyfriend & his lover.  

If this describes you, you aren’t alone!  Many of us have been in this situation!  May God strengthen you & keep you safe!

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Miscellaneous

October 31, 2013

Good morning, Dear Readers…

I was thinking of something yesterday regarding narcissistic mothers.  As you know, my mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder & Borderline Personality Disorder.  For some unknown reason this past June, she changed- she stopped deliberately trying to hurt me every single time we speak.  We’ve even had many pleasant conversations in the last 4 months.  It’s been so nice in many ways.  

In other ways, though, it’s not so great.  Although my mother doesn’t deliberately try to hurt me most times, she still does hurt me almost every time we speak.  Why?  Because she is simply oblivious to what kind of person I am, & doesn’t even listen to most things I say.  She didn’t care that I was upset yesterday when we spoke on the phone.  I also mentioned my in-laws in passing, & immediately she jumped to their defense, even though I have told her our relationship was so bad, I haven’t spoken to them since 2002.  Ever since I first mentioned having in-law issues, my mother has been their number one supporter, as she always does when someone hurts me.  

I know most people say that narcissists never change.  I believe that isn’t entirely true.  My mother has proven that by changing for the better & not being so cruel as she once was.  However, although she has improved, all is not well now.  I still have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder- nothing she can do will fix that.  I also still have to be prepared for pain.  Like I said, my mother doesn’t often deliberately set out to hurt me, but she still does hurt me often.  Also, like I mentioned earlier, it’s because she doesn’t know me or listen to me, but it is also because she has developed a very dysfunctional coping skill.  When she remembers unpleasant things, she convinces herself the unpleasant events happened some other way.  My mother has convinced herself she was a fantastic mother, always there for me, supportive, & loving.  All of the psychological abuse- emotional, mental & verbal abuses- are forgotten, & replaced with words of encouragement in her mind.  Throwing me into a wall & hurting my back when I was 19?  Forgotten.. I’ve been told I’m lucky I’ve never had back pain.  

I’m telling you this because if you too are the child of a narcissistic mother, don’t give up hope.  Your mother may change for the better at some point like my mother did, contrary to popular opinion.  However, if your mother does change, there still may be pain for you, just in different ways.   The best way I have found to cope is to enjoy the good times as much as you can.  Have some laughs if possible, & enjoy the moment, however long it lasts.  Then when the bad times come, deal with them however you can in a healthy way.  Talk to caring, supportive people- friends, relatives or a counselor.  Pray- God always wants to listen & offer you comfort.  Be gentle with yourself during those hard times- don’t berate yourself for being hurt or angry.  Keep your expectations low of your mother- everyone messes up sometimes.  No matter how hard she may be trying, she will make mistakes simply because no one is perfect.  Set & enforce healthy boundaries for yourself.  If you feel unable to spend time with your mother, then don’t spend time with her.  In my book, “You Are Not Alone!” (available in ebook form & print here:  http://www.cynthiabaileyrug.com/Books%20For%20Sale.htm  ), I offer advice on ways to deal with abusive mothers.  There is also information available on my website that may help you here:  http://www.cynthiabaileyrug.com/Problem_Mothers.htm

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health