Tag Archives: cheat

What Happens After A Relationship With A Narcissist

After ending a romantic relationship with a narcissist, they are often quick to get back into dating.  They seem to think this makes them look like they weren’t the one with the problem in the relationship.  Or, maybe it is an attempt to make the one who left them believe they were the problem in the relationship.  After all, in their opinion, if the narcissist was really the problem, how could he or she find someone else so quickly? 

What most people don’t know is behind the scenes, the narcissist is acting out of a narcissistic injury.  Narcissists seem to think their victims will tolerate their abuse indefinitely without complaint.  It’s just assumed that the dysfunctional status quo will continue to be the dysfunctional status quo forever.  When a victim finally says enough is enough, & ends the relationship, they are genuinely stunned.  I have yet to know of one narcissist who wasn’t stunned when their victim ended the relationship with them, no matter the nature of the relationship. 

When a relationship is ended against their will, narcissists seem to think something along the lines of this:  “This wasn’t how this was supposed to happen!  What is wrong with this person?  I’ve been nothing but good to them!  After all, I put up with them for so long!  I just don’t understand why this person would leave me!  It makes no sense!  I financially supported them &/or put up with their trivial needs &/or listened to their whining (in other words, confrontations about the abusive behavior.  Never mind the narcissist didn’t change it).”

Ending a relationship with a narcissist creates a huge blow to their ego!  While any normal person receives a narcissistic injury to some degree when another ends a relationship with them, it is a great deal more devastating to a narcissist. 

Also, when this narcissistic injury happens, narcissists don’t respond to it as a normal person would in this situation.  A functional person would take time to mourn the loss of the relationship & figure out how to be a better significant other in their next relationship, if they want one.  Narcissists instead plot their revenge against the person who broke up with them.

Maybe the narcissist had another relationship on the side, so it looks to those who don’t know about this person that they found someone very quickly.  Only the ones closest to the narcissist know the truth in this situation.  No narcissist wants to be seen as a cheater, since many people look down on such behavior.  However, that won’t stop a narcissist from having a “back up” boyfriend or girlfriend.  Even if they don’t expect anyone to break up with them, having another (or several) romantic partner makes them feel more desirable & builds up their ego.  Either way, having someone else on the side is a win/win for narcissists.

In this situation, if the narcissist doesn’t have someone else on the side, they may want to get into another serious relationship quickly.  They seem to think that if someone falls in love with them, it proves they are good people.  They fail to realize that it’s all too easy to fall for the good person act narcissists put on, but in time, there will be times they slip up in their act & let their true colors show.

Other narcissists prefer not to get into a serious relationship, but date a lot of people.  Maybe in their mind it proves that they are desirable because they can attract many people.  Attracting one person may not be a big deal to them, but attracting many makes a good case in their minds for them being very desirable.

It can be easy for victims who see this to think maybe they really were the problem all along.  Maybe they’re not worthy of love.  After all, the narcissist has moved on quickly.  It must be them.

Nothing could be further from the truth!!  If you are or have been in this situation, please know that whatever the narcissist has tried to make you think is wrong.  Sure, you’re imperfect.  All humans are!  But that doesn’t mean you are unlovable or bad or whatever the narcissist said you were.  If that person is moving on quickly, that isn’t a good sign!  It’s a sign that the person most likely is a narcissist trying to make you look & feel badly.  That is no reflection on you!  It is, however, a reflection on them.

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

Avoiding Infidelity

I read recently that 30-60% of all married couples are affected by infidelity at some point in their marriage.  That is a staggering statistic!  Infidelity is possibly the most painful thing a couple can go through, so why are so many people cheating?

 

I firmly believe one reason, possibly the main reason, is because when a couple is going through difficulties, it is easy to look at someone else & think they are so much better than that man or woman you’re married to.  Temptation can easily become too much at that point.  I admit, I fell into that trap myself before I was a Christian.  Before I married my ex husband, I broke our engagement & told him I wanted to see other people.  I did just that, but for a few months later we were married,  I continued seeing one other man for several months until the guilt of what I was doing was too much for me to handle.  I did this because I was unhappy with my ex husband from very early in our relationship.  I had married my ex out of guilt (he was very manipulative & I was easily manipulated back then), not love, & was unhappy.  The man I was seeing was much different than my ex.  He was fun, kind & smart.  He made me feel desirable, witty, smart & more.  I had a hard time letting that go, especially when I compared him to my ex.

 

Another reason for infidelity is selfishness, often to the point of narcissism.  So many people are only concerned with themselves, that they don’t even care that what they do may hurt other people, even to the point they will cheat on their spouse.  You can identify these people easily- they are the ones that don’t want to quit their porn addiction because they claim that isn’t cheating.  They fail to realize that Matthew 5:27-8 say otherwise (27 “You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’28 But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. (NLT)).  They also ignore the fact that their addiction is destroying their spouse.

 

How do you avoid this awful pitfall?  By treating your spouse like the most important person in your world.  Remind him constantly how proud you are of him, & mean it.  Tell her often how beautiful she is, & mean that.  Say please & thank you on a regular basis.  Never take that wonderful person you married for granted, because there are no guarantees in life- your situation can change in an instant.  Play together- whether it is video games, board games, ping pong or sports, have fun together & do it often.  Arrange dates often, & spend  time talking, without the TV, without your cell phones.  Refuse to talk about the fact you don’t have the money to make the car payment or your son is failing algebra, & just talk about each other- your hopes & dreams, what you want from each other (& pledge to do it!).  Most importantly, don’t forget to pray together.  It is truly a bonding experience!

 

Marriage isn’t always easy.  It’ll never be perfect either, but it can be a happy, comfortable safe haven with your best friend & lover.  If you & your spouse decide to make it that way, & both of you work on it, then chances of infidelity destroying your marriage can virtually disappear.

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Filed under Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health, Miscellaneous