My publisher is having yet another sale on print books. 10% off until November 20, 2020. Use code SELFPUBLISH10 at checkout
My books can be found at this link:
My publisher is having yet another sale on print books. 10% off until November 20, 2020. Use code SELFPUBLISH10 at checkout
My books can be found at this link:
My publisher is offering another sale on my print books. This one is good for 10% off all print products until November 13, 2020. Use code READ10 at checkout.
Here is the link where you can find my print books:
My publisher is offering 10% off on my print books until October 30, 2020. Just use code SPOOKY10 at checkout.
Here is the link to my author spotlight on my publisher’s site:
It seems to be a common false believe that giving someone everything they want, enabling them to do anything they want without consequences is loving & even Godly behavior.
So many people I spoke with in my family were downright cruel to me because I wouldn’t see my father at the end of his life in 2017. The barrage of phone calls, social media messages & emails was intense. I barely read any of the messages, because after reading a couple, I knew how incredibly toxic the rest would be. I thought it wiser to protect my mental health by saving the messages without reading them as evidence for police if I opted to take that route. Anyway after my father’s death, I learned that because I refused to say goodbye, he finally turned to God! In spite of my fears it wouldn’t happen, my father gave his heart to Jesus at the end of his life, & is now in Heaven. (That story is on my website at: http://www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com if you’d like to read it)
While none of us knew it at the time, me not saying good bye to my father was for his benefit. My family clearly thought I was a cold hearted witch who stayed away out of spite. I knew in my heart God wanted me to stay away & going would have had terrible consequences, but I didn’t know any further details. Me not going made him reach out to God for the first time in I don’t know how long. If I had gone, I firmly believe he wouldn’t have turned to God. So as strange as it may sound, not saying my final good byes to my father was the most loving thing I could do in that situation.
Although many situations are different, the basics are similar. Someone wants you to do something that you know is not in their best interest. It may even cause you pain or problems to do that thing, yet it is expected of you to do it. If you do it, your actions are applauded & if it caused you problems, those problems ignored. If you don’t do it, you’re criticized & even shamed for being selfish or unreasonable.
This is utterly WRONG!
Yes, it’s good to do for other people. Some people genuinely need help & sometimes you are exactly the right person to give that help. But doing anything a person wants isn’t always a good thing. Look what 1 Corinthians 10:23 says:
All things are lawful [that is, morally legitimate, permissible], but not all things are beneficial or advantageous. All things are lawful, but not all things are constructive [to character] and edifying [to spiritual life]. (AMP)
1 Corinthians 6:12 is similar & just as informative:
Everything is permissible for me, but not all things are beneficial. Everything is permissible for me, but I will not be enslaved by anything [and brought under its power, allowing it to control me]. (AMP)
Just because you can do something doesn’t mean it’s for the best that you do it, either for you or for someone else. People who are accustomed to getting everything they want are spoiled, entitled, selfish & often feel that they don’t need God. By saying no sometimes, it actually benefits people. They learn to be more self sufficient, they don’t become entitled, selfish jerks. And yes, they may recognize everyone’s need for God in themselves.
Maybe situations in your life aren’t as dire, but still, if you know that doing something for someone isn’t in their best interest or yours, don’t do it! The good will far outweigh the bad!
I decided to do one other thing.. I have made available on my website (www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com) my notes that I used in my podcasts & YouTube videos. Since some folks have issues with sensory processing or just prefer to read rather than watch a video or listen to a podcast, I thought I would do this for them. The notes are all on this link. Feel free to download as many as you like for your personal reference. As I add new podcasts in the future, I’ll naturally add the notes to this page. If you lose the link, simply visit www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com & look at the list of links at the top of the page. You’ll see it there.
Also, I added a search bar to my website, so you can find information on there easier now. Rather than read through lots of pages, you can simply type in your search critera & it will bring up results. Enjoy!
Thank you to everyone who has been so encouraging about the changes I’ve decided to make. I truly value your input. 💖
Just a friendly reminder that all of my ebooks are still 25% off until July 31, 2020. They can be found at this link:
My publisher is offering a 15% discount on all print books until July 3, 2020. You can find my books at the following link: https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug
My ebook publisher is offering a sale on all of my ebooks from July 1-31, 2020. They will be 25% off. They’re available on my website or use this link to go to the site directly: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/CynthiaBaileyRug
My ebooks are currently on sale until May 31, 2020. Check them out at the following link:
From March 20-April 20, 2020, all my ebooks are 30% off. They can be found at this link:
My publisher is offering a 25% off sale on my ebooks from March 1-7. Find them at the link below:
Tomorrow marks the five year anniversary (if you can call it that.. anniversary sounds too positive) of the day I nearly died from carbon monoxide poisoning. Not really the happiest day of the year for me obviously, but at least it does make me think. Yes, I remember the awfulness of that day but it also makes me think of the good that’s come from it all.
When I realized I couldn’t tell my parents what happened to me because they would invalidate my near death experience &/or spin it around to how it affected them, that was a big wake-up call. I realized I needed them out of my life & began to actively pray about making that happen. I also realized there were other toxic people in my life that needed to go as well. Those who trivialized my experience or tried to make me think positively about it had to go. My circle of those close to me has become very small, but they are absolutely wonderful people. Quality over quantity, as the saying goes, & that is how I like it. Better to have only a few very close, good friends than a wide circle of acquaintances.
What happened also caused me to realize just how quickly your life can change & change drastically. The morning of February 27, 2015 appeared to be any other day. By the end of that day however, I was an entirely different person. Not only because of the brain damage & other health problems the carbon monoxide caused, but because coming close to death will shake a person up! Yes, I knew if I died, I would’ve gone to Heaven, so that wasn’t a problem. What was a problem is that I didn’t expect to die that day! Coming close when it was unexpected was traumatic, even though I did survive. Even now, thinking about it still shakes me up!
Coming close also showed me how quickly & unexpectedly a person’s life can end. That made me realize how important it is to enjoy your life as much as you possibly can. There are unenjoyable things that we can’t avoid of course, like getting stuck in traffic. But, there are ways we can sneak enjoyment even into those situations. Use that stuck in traffic time to listen to some good music or an audio book, for example.
Part of enjoying life for me is I also use my time in the evenings to indulge in hobbies I like. I’ve come to realize that when I don’t get creative time in, I get irritable & don’t enjoy anything like I normally do. Creative time is very important for most people, not only me. It gives freedom to use your imagination. It also gives down time that we all need in this often overly busy & chaotic life. If you don’t have a creative outlet, it may be time for you to find one. Wandering around a craft store can be a great place to start. They carry items for almost every hobby imaginable! And guys reading this, they even carry “guy stuff”, not just things for knitting & cross stitch. Many carry model car & airplane kits, stuff for electric trains, wood working & more.
I hope this post doesn’t sound like I’m looking for pity because of what happened. I’m not. I just believe I learned some valuable things from my experience & wanted to share them. Although I can’t say I’m grateful for what happened on that fateful day, I am grateful for the good that came from it. The things I shared here definitely changed my life & my attitude for the better! I hope they can help you too! ❤
When you grow up with narcissistic parents, you’re trained from birth to do for them. Do what? Whatever they want. It’s your job to please them in every way, to listen to them, to serve them… naturally this isn’t reciprocated because you aren’t important- only they are!
Once you’re an adult, this “you’re here to do for others” mentality sticks with you. And, other people pick up on it. Users & abusers can sniff this mentality out a mile away. Other Christians can even pick up on it & use Scripture to back up why you should do for them or other people.
The truth is that no one can help everyone who crosses their path. It’s too much! You could ruin your physical & mental health, & even ruin yourself financially if you helped every single person who claims to have a need. You truly need discernment & wisdom to know who God wants you to help, who He doesn’t, & who he simply wants you to pray for.
When you come across someone in need, the smartest thing you can do is pray. Ask God for guidance, & to show you what this person’s position in your life is going to be. Maybe it is to help that person in some way, but maybe it isn’t. Maybe your position is simply to pray for that person or to guide them to someone who can help them. Maybe you need to lead that person to Jesus. Or, maybe you need to set boundaries & refuse to help this person because he or she tends to use people & needs a lesson in the fact not everyone is here to do for them. Until & unless you ask God, you won’t know for sure. So ask! He will guide & help you!
So many people I have spoken with were abused under the guise of Christianity. Parents abuse their children because they think Proverbs 13:24 basically saying, “Spare the rod, spoil the child” means parents have the right to beat their children. They are also often the same parents who claim their children aren’t honoring them by refusing to tolerate their abuse. There are also husbands who demand blind obedience from their wives because Ephesians 5:22 says wives should submit to their husbands. There are even those active in their church who abuse other church members. Some sexually abuse children, others ostracize other members for not fitting their ideal of what they should be & more.
There are so many things wrong with such situations!!
Personally I believe that as wrong as abuse is, when it is done using God as a justification or as a way to lure victims in, that somehow makes the abuse even worse. The person in this situation not only has the fallout of the abuse to deal with, but also is going to have a lot of spiritual damage as well. They may believe God doesn’t care about them or maybe that He simply doesn’t exist at all because what happened to them was so horrific. I felt the same way. My mother went through a phase when I was a teenager of telling me that she knew she was going to Heaven when she died because she was such a good person. I, however, was terrible to her so I was destined for Hell. I thought no God could exist & let me go through what I was going through, but if He did, I clearly wanted no part of Him if that was truly how He was.
Also, it seems to me when people twist Scripture around, if you look at the Bible, somewhere there is at least one nearby verse that clearly proves their interpretation is wrong. Look at Ephesians 5:22 for a second. Yes, it does say that wives should submit to their husbands. It also says in the verse immediately before that a couple should submit to each other. It clearly isn’t one sided, but you won’t hear an abusive husband mention Ephesians 5:21. The same goes for abusive parents who claim their children aren’t honoring them. The Bible also mentions in Ephesians 6:4 & Colossians 3:21 that parents shouldn’t provoke their children.
Truly toxic, abusive, narcissistic people will use the Bible or the label of “Christian” to justify their wicked behavior. To combat this, you have to know the Bible at least a bit. Nowhere in there does it justify any form of abuse! If you have any doubts, do your research with a good concordance or the internet. It won’t take you long to see how wrong the abuser is.
People also claim they are Christian to be underestimated, so people will feel safe with them or if they’re on the fence about something, they will think it’s OK because this person said they’re a Christian. Most people hear someone say they’re a Christian & somehow think those people are impervious to mistakes or bad behavior. Nothing could be further from the truth! EVERYONE makes mistakes for one thing. If we didn’t, we wouldn’t need Jesus. And for another thing, no true believer is going to be deliberately abusive towards someone else.
Rather than take someone on their word, observe a person’s behavior. Any true Christian’s behavior should show that they are doing their best to live a good, Godly life. Sure, they make mistakes, but they quickly try to fix them. If they hurt someone, it isn’t done intentionally, they are fast to apologize & change their behavior so it never happens again.
There are plenty of wolves in sheep’s clothing out there, looking for innocent victims. Remembering the points in this article can help you to avoid them.
From March 3-9, 2019, my publisher is having a sale! All of my ebooks will be 25% off.
Come check it out at: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/CynthiaBaileyRug
Recently, hubby & I have been looking into changing our car & homeowner’s insurance company to a place where we can get a fairer rate. We found it, I’m very happy to say! It also got me thinking of something I haven’t shared in a while…
Some of you know, my beautiful ’69 Fury once belonged to my wonderful granddad. He gave the car to my father in 1976 when his car was stolen. In 1979, the transmission & rear end were going out, & he didn’t want the expense of replacing them both. My father sold the car to a local junkyard instead. I was only 8, & still remember the day this happened. My mother followed him in her car to the junkyard. He talked with the guy there briefly, & gave him the keys. Then he got into my mother’s car & we drove off to pick up his next car from the dealer. I remember staring out the window, watching the Fury get smaller & smaller in the distance. I’ve always loved cars, & for some reason, that one in particular, so it made me sad. My father even gave me a spare set of keys that I kept for years.. possibly they’re still in my parents’ house, I don’t know.
Anyway in 2005, my husband & I went to a local flea market. After parking, as we crossed the parking area, we saw this gorgeous green 1969 Fury! I was excited & told him it looked just like my father’s & granddad’s! My husband said, “Why don’t you leave a note on the car? Maybe the owner wants to sell.” On a whim, I did. A couple of days later, the owner called me & said he was considering selling the car for about 2 weeks. He sold me this beautiful car.
Shortly after, my father came by my house. He looked at the car & said, “This is my car! I remember this bit of silicone on the windshield trim.. I never could get rid of that. There’s that dent in the back bumper where a guy on a motorcycle rear ended me!” I thought that is impossible. His car had to be crushed years ago. Still, it’s very interesting…the same exact dent in the bumper? Silicone on the chrome in the same place? And, come to think of it, the keys the seller gave me said “Taylor” on them like my father’s keys did. They weren’t the original Plymouth keys, but copies. It got him & I both thinking.
After going home, my father called me. He found the maintenance records he had for his cars. Although he got rid of the ones for his Fury, he still had the VIN that he wrote down when he had the car during the latter part of the 1970’s. I compared it to the VIN on my car. It was an exact match!!! I was the proud owner not of a twin to my father & granddad’s car as I expected, but their exact car! Check this out.. the above VIN is what my father wrote down in the 1970’s. The bottom is the VIN off my car that I wrote down…
I know a lot of people who read my work probably aren’t car buffs like I am. But, I do believe many of you can appreciate this story anyway. This amazing car is such a wonderful display of God’s kindness & love! Getting this beautiful car is not something I ever expected to happen. It never even crossed my mind. It crossed God’s though. He was working on this back in 1979 apparently. The guy at the junkyard easily could have simply crushed the car, but he didn’t. He repaired the transmission & rear end. In fact, in 1990 I remember seeing the car at a traffic light, & wondering if that was the same car I had known. Apparently one former owner also had engine work done, so the engine is in fantastic shape. The car was also painted & the interior reupholstered. I not only got the same car, I got the same car in great condition!
If God could orchestrate all of this just to get this car to me & in such great shape, I think that is proof of how incredible He is! I mean, this plan was in place for 26 years, & all just because I always loved this car. Isn’t that mind blowing?! And, the Bible says in Acts 10:34 that God doesn’t show partiality, so this means if He can do something so amazing for me, He can do something amazing for you, too. xoxo
Narcissists abuse their victims in many ways – emotionally, mentally, financially, physically & sexually. Some also abuse their victims spiritually.
Spiritual abusers aren’t only those who are preachers, deacons or others who are active in their church. Anyone can be a spiritual abuser. When my mother’s abuse peaked when I was in my late teens, she became very spiritually abusive. She frequently told me that I was going to hell for the terrible way I treated her. She never was active in a church or taught me anything about God. In fact, she always said she hated Christians.
If you’re wondering if the narcissist in your life is abusing you spiritually, there are some signs to look for.
Coping with spiritual abuse isn’t easy, but it can be done.
Have you ever noticed sometimes that the more your relationship with God improves, the more bad things seem to come your way? Suddenly it seems like everything is going wrong, & the things that are going wrong are big challenges. If only they were simple ones like having a flat tire.
This is because the closer you get to God, the more the devil hates you & wants to steal your peace & joy.
I have seen this in my own life recently. A couple of weeks ago, I spent a good part of my day in tears & praying about a big problem happening in my life. That afternoon, one of my wonderful, Godly friends texted me. She reminded me that with God, all things are possible & that He loves me. The amazing part of this is that I didn’t tell her anything that was happening until after she sent me the text & I explained why this meant so much to me that she did that. This incident caused my faith in God to grow by leaps & bounds. Since then, I’ve been experiencing more nightmares & flashbacks than usual which causes my health to be worse, my husband & I have been getting along worse & even my cats have been fussing with each other a lot which is highly unusual for them.
If things are suddenly going badly in your life, this may be why. Did you have some sort of spiritual breakthrough recently? Are you feeling closer to God than usual due to an answered prayer or display of His favor & love? That may be why things suddenly took a turn for the worse in your life.
During these trying times, I’ve learned that as hard as they are, there can still be peace. On the outside, nothing has really changed in my life at all. Things are still challenging. However, I know beyond any doubt that God is still in control. He still loves me, He still has my back. Even during the bad times, He is still with me.
That goes for you too, Dear Reader. Even when it doesn’t feel like it, & it seems like God is a million miles away, He’s still with you & taking care of you. And, the only reason things are going badly at the moment is the devil is mad that you’re closer to God. He’s trying to destroy your faith, to make you think things like, “If this is what happens when I get close to God, I’m done believing in Him!” Don’t give him what he wants! Stick even closer to God! It makes a big difference! Maybe not in your circumstances immediately, but you’ll be better able to handle the bad things, you’ll have more peace & less anxiety & depression. One thing that helps me too, is to remember Psalm 23:4
“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.” (NKJV)
I have found these Scriptures to be comforting & helpful as well…
Psalm 33:8 “Let all the earth fear the Lord; Let all the inhabitants of the world stand in awe of Him.” (NKJV)
Psalm 33:18 “Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him, On those who hope in His mercy, ” (NKJV)
Proverbs 8:13 “The fear of the Lord is to hate evil; Pride and arrogance and the evil way And the perverse mouth I hate.” (NKJV)
Remember, you are NOT alone, Dear Reader! God is in your corner with you, no matter what. xoxo
One of the things I love so much about the Bible is it never gets old. Even if you’ve read it countless times, you still will see something new.
This Scripture came to my attention a few minutes ago…
Titus 3:10 “After a first and second warning reject a divisive man [who promotes heresy and causes dissension—ban him from your fellowship and have nothing more to do with him],” (AMP)
I thought about how this relates to no contact.
Many people think those of us who have gone no contact did so on a whim. The truth is that we struggle a great deal with no contact. It’s a VERY big & difficult decision! Some people go no contact but then later resume the relationship when the narcissist gets word to them that they need help, are sick or maybe even they simply wear down the victim by constant stalking & harassment. Many people who have considered or gone no contact also think it’s not Godly. You can’t be a Christian & sever ties with an abusive family member or divorce an abusive spouse. This thinking is completely wrong though, & Titus 3:10 proves that!
If you’re in this situation, then I urge you to consider your situation. Have you prayed about it? Chances are, if you share my faith then you have. A LOT! Yet, you still are leaning towards no contact or you have followed through with it… doesn’t that tell you that it’s ok? I mean, if it wasn’t, God would find some way to let you know it’s a bad idea. At the very least, you’d have a feeling inside that it’s not a good solution. God’s voice may not always boom loudly in our ears, but He does have the Holy Spirit quietly let us know if there is something we should or shouldn’t do.
Also, have you done as this Scripture said? Have you spoken with the narcissist in your life, explaining that their abusive behavior has hurt you? Again, chances are you have. Every single person I’ve spoken with who has survived narcissistic abuse whether it was at the hands of a parent, spouse or relative tried talking things out with that narcissist many times. They didn’t simply end the relationship, & I’m sure you are the same way.
Everyone has their limits, & there is nothing wrong with reaching the limits & eliminating toxic, abusive people from your life. The above Scripture from Titus is only one of many that say this in the Bible. Here are other Scriptures that show God wants us to be in good, healthy relationships.:
Psalm 1:1 “Blessed [fortunate, prosperous, and favored by God] is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked [following their advice and example],Nor stand in the path of sinners,Nor sit [down to rest] in the seat of [b]scoffers (ridiculers).” (AMP)
Proverbs 13:20 “He who walks [as a companion] with wise men will be wise,But the companions of [conceited, dull-witted] fools [are fools themselves and] will experience harm.” (AMP)
Luke 9:5 “And as for all those who do not welcome you, when you leave that city, shake the dust off your feet [breaking all ties with them] as a testimony against them [that they rejected My message].” ” (AMP)
Luke 17:3 “ Pay attention and always be on guard[looking out for one another]! If your brother sins and disregards God’s precepts, solemnly warn him; and if he repents and changes, forgive him.” (AMP, emphasis added)
1 Corinthians 15:33 “Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good morals.” (AMP)
2 Corinthians 6:14 “Do not be unequally bound together with unbelievers [do not make mismatched alliances with them, inconsistent with your faith]. For what partnership can righteousness have with lawlessness? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” (AMP)
2 Corinthians 6:17 “So come out from among unbelievers and be separate,” says the Lord, “And do not touch what is unclean; And I will graciously receive you and welcome you [with favor],” (AMP)
As some of you may remember, my late mother in-law was a covert narcissist. She also was exceptionally good at what she did. My own husband didn’t believe me when I told him of many of the things she said & did to me. Like everyone else, he was fooled by her innocent act. I can’t blame him entirely for that. Like I said, she was VERY good.
During the time she was in my life, I knew something was wrong, even though I had no understanding about Narcissistic Personality Disorder at the time. It blew my mind how, like my mother, she could appear one way to other people, but the moment we were alone, the fangs came out. That just isn’t normal & you don’t have to have a degree in psychology to know that.
Then one day when my husband & I were at his parents’ home, visiting his parents. My mother in-law said something, & my father in-law said, “Shut your stupid mouth. Nobody wants to hear what you have to say!” I’d never seen that side of him before, only heard about it. He & my husband went outside shortly after. My mother in-law & I were left alone. I don’t remember exactly what she said, it was probably over 20 years ago by now, but I do remember that she was especially mean to me that evening. I figured she was just upset by how her husband spoke to her & taking it out on me.
The anger I usually felt at her because of her nastiness softened a lot. I felt bad for her for what just happened. And, for some time after that, I put up with her nastiness without complaint. I figured she obviously has no real coping skills, so maybe being mean to me is the only way she can deal with the hurt & anger she felt inside. I didn’t like it but I figured if it helped her somehow, fine. If I could live through the horrible things my mother said to me, I could handle the mother in-law.
This didn’t last long, a couple of months tops. I realized it wasn’t helping her, it was really hurting me & frankly, it wasn’t fair.
Situations like this are no doubt why so many people say you should never pity a narcissist. It means you will tolerate a LOT of abuse. Well, that is a very valid point. I tolerated so much more than I should have because I felt pity for my mother in-law.
However, that being said, I still don’t regret feeling that pity for her at that time or at any point. Probably that makes me sound crazy, but hear me out…
I realized some time later that the ability to feel pity for someone who was so cruel to me showed that in spite of all of the narcissistic abuse I’ve been through in my life, it didn’t destroy my ability to feel compassion for others. It can be so easy to turn bitter & angry when you’ve been through narcissistic abuse. I also didn’t turn into a narcissist like a few victims of narcissistic abuse do. I am grateful that neither happened to me.
Feeling pity for my mother in-law motivated me to pray for her, & all Christians know God wants us to pray for others, including our enemies:
“43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor (fellow man) and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I say to you, [a]love [that is, unselfishly seek the best or higher good for] your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 so that you may [show yourselves to] be the children of your Father who is in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on those who are evil and on those who are good, and makes the rain fall on the righteous [those who are morally upright] and the unrighteous [the unrepentant, those who oppose Him]. 46 For if you love [only] those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do that? 47 And if you greet only your brothers [wishing them God’s blessing and peace], what more [than others] are you doing? Do not even the Gentiles [who do not know the Lord] do that? 48 You, therefore, will be perfect [growing into spiritual maturity both in mind and character, actively integrating godly values into your daily life], as your heavenly Father is perfect.” (AMP)
I prayed for her quite a bit over the years, albeit not as much as I should have. All of my prayers for her were answered. My mother in-law did come to know Jesus, so she is in Heaven now instead of Hell. She also died in her home rather than a nursing home, as she wanted. She even died in her sleep, peacefully.
Praying for her also was good for me. It helped me to release the anger I’d felt at her for so long. I eventually got to the point of feeling nothing for her beyond wanting her to come to the Lord & not to suffer at the end of her life. Sorta sad, I admit, but it sure beats hating her like I once did!
My point in telling you this story is this.. some people find it easy to feel pity for people, even narcissists. When you know that the narcissistic person in your life has suffered, in spite of how awfully they treat you, there’s probably a little part of you that pities that person. It’s natural to want to shut that part of you down when the object of your pity is so abusive. Instead, why not acknowledge it? Accept that feeling as it is- just a feeling. Also, you can take the feeling as a sign that person needs prayer & you need to be the one to pray.
However, please, PLEASE do not get all crazy like I did & let the pity you feel be a reason to tolerate abuse from the narcissist. It’s very possible to feel pity for someone while still maintaining healthy boundaries & distance. I did with my mother in-law & still do with my mother. Please learn from my mistake in this area!
Lastly, if you don’t feel pity for the narcissist in your life, that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or a bad Christian. Many people don’t feel it & there is nothing wrong with that! Even good, loving, faithful people don’t always feel pity towards narcissists. It happens, & it’s ok. This post is simply directed at those who may feel differently than you. 🙂
So over the last couple of weeks, on top of dealing with my husband’s father’s sudden passing, one of our beautiful kitties, Zippy, got sick with a urinary tract issue plus a reaction to his medication. On our way to the vet’s offie, we hit an unusual amount of green lights & little traffic. We were only there a short time. And, as usual, there was no emergency fee (I think it’s $65) because our vet is more concerned with caring for animals than making huge profits. I truly have the most awesome, wonderful vet in the universe 🙂
On the good side, as I’m writing this, Zippy is doing well. It’ll take him a few days to get back to normal, but praise God, he’ll be normal again!
Also as I was writing this, my husband called after his dad’s funeral service was done. Naturally it was tough, but the good thing is our neighbor showed up to be there for him. How sweet is that?! As if him & his wife baking a couple of cakes for the wake wasn’t kind enough.
The past week has been incredibly rough but while I was thinking about it, I realized yet again how true Psalm 23:4 is….
“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.” (KJV)
The reason I’m telling you about this is to encourage you. I know during hard times it can feel like God is nowhere around. It sure can feel like you’re walking alone in, “the valley of the shadow of death!” I’ve felt the same way myself the last few days. But, whether or not you feel His presence, God is there, listening to your prayers & working out your situation. Somehow, some way, God will help you get through even the hardest of times.
This was hardly the first time God has helped us & no doubt it won’t be the last, so I feel assured in telling you that if you’re going through hard times, even if you feel totally alone, you really aren’t. God is there with you, in your corner, working things out somehow for the best solution to the situation. You’re never alone in those dark valleys of the shadow of death! Keep praying, keep believing & He will show up in ways you never expected. xoxo
The past two weeks has been quite overwhelming.
Tuesday, June 12, my husband’s father fell in his home. Hubby took him to the hospital, & they decided to keep him. Upsetting of course, but not entirely unusual considering his age. Saturday, June 16, my husband was told his father only had a couple of days left to live. Friday, June 22, his father died.
Out of protecting my husband’s & his father’s privacy, I don’t want to reveal more details than that about the situation, so pardon me for being vague.
The situation got me thinking & I decided to share those thoughts.
First & foremost, this situation was just another reminder of how quickly life can change. When hubby took his father to the emergency room, he had no clue that only 11 days later, his father would die. Never take anyone you love for granted! Enjoy every moment you can with them. Never forget that things can change quickly, so tell them & show them often that you love them. I make it a point to tell people I love them as the last thing before hanging up the phone or leaving their company.
Don’t forget to enjoy your life as much as possible. Don’t settle for working a job you hate longer than absolutely necessary or continuing a relationship that is making you miserable. Do things that make you happy & avoid things that don’t as much as humanly possible. Travel, dance, write poetry, paint or participate in hobbies you love. Do whatever benefits your peace & joy. No one knows how long we have to live so why not enjoy every moment possible?
If you’re an animal lover, rely on your furbabies to help you in tough times. Animals do love us & want to help if they can. Just before my husband called to tell me about his dad, I saw two of my cats looking rather adorable & decided to take their pictures. He called just as I took the last picture. Later when I put the pictures on my computer, I noticed how sad my cats looked in those pictures, which is highly unusual for them. I really believe they knew what was going on. And, when my husband got home, they proved it. The cats haven’t left him alone since he got home that night. They’re doing their best to make him feel loved & comforted, & it’s a great help to him!
I also realized that once you’ve lost a narcissistic parent, death can be triggering. This is the first person we’ve lost since my father died last October. I feel like emotionally speaking, this situation has sent me back to last year. It’s an emotional flashback of sorts, I think. I assume this is happening because my father died not all that long ago & I haven’t been able to heal from that awful time yet. I’m not telling my husband about this because he doesn’t need any further burdens right now of course, but my word, this is a challenge & one I never expected.
If you too have experienced the death of a narcissistic parent, Dear Reader, I think you need to know this kind of thing can happen to you too. Even if the person who passes on is someone you aren’t particularly close to or not a person in a parental type role, I think it’s possible it can happen to you too, so just be prepared.
So, that’s what has been happening recently. I figured I’d let everyone know & I hope the thoughts I had help you. xoxo
Some very naive people think that being a Christian means some pretty awful things. One of those awful things is that as a Christian, you are to tolerate any & all abuse because calling people out on it is “un-Christian” or unloving. These ingenuous people actually think that removing yourself from an abuser’s life isn’t Godly behavior, especially if that abuser is a parent. It’s much better to allow that person to abuse you indefinitely! After all, the Bible says you should honor your parents, & it’s honorable to tolerate anything they dish out!
I am certainly not claiming to have all the answers to all things Christian. I am well aware that I don’t. But, I have been a Christian for 22 years now & have learned a few things.
Being a Christian doesn’t mean you are better than other people or that you’re perfect. Far from it. If we were perfect, we wouldn’t need Jesus. And, just because we have Him in our lives & hearts doesn’t mean we’re perfect. No matter how perfect an artist may be, if the canvas is flawed, even the greatest artist can’t paint a perfect picture on a flawed canvas.
Another important thing I have learned is that being a Christian also means we need to love God’s way, which is very different from loving people’s way. God’s love wants what is best, not what is easiest. Confronting abusers is best because it encourages them to make appropriate changes in their behavior. Granted with narcissists, the chances of them making positive changes is very slim. However, it is not your place to force them to change. It is your place to encourage them to change, which is much different than forcing someone to change.
But it’s certainly NOT easy! Tolerating bad behavior & even abuse is much easier than standing up to someone about their behavior. As painful as tolerating abuse is, at least you won’t lose your friends & family so long as you tolerate it. Once you stand up to an abuser, chances are excellent that you will lose people you love. They will call you unreasonable, unloving, cruel, abusive, a bad son/daughter/friend/etc. & yes, even attack your faith by saying you aren’t a real Christian or are a bad one. People who stand up to abusers find out quickly who really loves them & who doesn’t.
I believe many people, Christian or not, have misinterpreted the Bible when it comes to love. Yes, love is patient & kind & other wonderful things. However, love also must be tough sometimes. God proves that! He doesn’t let His people get away with any old kind of behavior. He lets us suffer consequences of bad actions or be blessed with good actions. As His children, we are supposed to behave like God- Matthew 5:48 “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.” (KJV)
Dear Reader, if your faith has been judged & criticized because you have removed an abuser from your life, you are most certainly not alone. Many people have been, including me. When this happens, I try to remember Matthew 5:11-12: “Blessed [morally courageous and spiritually alive with life-joy in God’s goodness] are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil things against you because of [your association with] Me. 12 Be glad and exceedingly joyful, for your reward in heaven is great [absolutely inexhaustible]; for in this same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.” (AMP) As painful as it is when people side with your abuser over you, & even shame you for no longer tolerating abuse, it can bring comfort when you remember God is all too aware of what is being said to & about you. He will reward you one day! Those who said such cruel things however?? Well, let’s just say I wouldn’t want to be in their shoes…
2 Thessalonians 1:8 “dealing out [full and complete] vengeance to those who do not [seek to] know God and to those who ignore and refuse to obey the gospel of our Lord Jesus [by choosing not to respond to Him].” (AMP)
Romans 12:19 “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave the way open for God’s wrath [and His judicial righteousness]; for it is written [in Scripture], “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord.” (AMP)
I get a wonderful daily email from Bible Gateway- Psalms in a month. This was in today’s email, & I couldn’t help but think of narcissists.
Psalm 101:5 (AMP)
“Whoever secretly slanders his neighbor, him I will silence;
The one who has a haughty look and a proud (arrogant) heart I will not tolerate.”
Soooooo… if God Himself has absolutely no tolerance for this type of behavior, why do people think victims should tolerate it? How is it being a “good Christian” to tolerate this sort of abuse?
It seems to me that people who believe those of us who have gone no contact or at the very least refuse to tolerate a narcissist’s abuse by giving them boundaries & consequences are putting people & their wishes above God. What they think should happen is obviously more important to them than what the Bible says. If the narcissist in question is family, they’re also putting the institution of family above God.
If you think that I’m just overreacting, consider the following from the Gospel of Matthew…
Matthew 10:34-37 (MSG) (emphasis added)
“Don’t think I’ve come to make life cozy. I’ve come to cut—make a sharp knife-cut between son and father, daughter and mother, bride and mother-in-law—cut through these cozy domestic arrangements and free you for God. Well-meaning family members can be your worst enemies. If you prefer father or mother over me, you don’t deserve me. If you prefer son or daughter over me, you don’t deserve me.”
Reread the part I underlined. “Well-meaning family members can be your worst enemies. If you prefer father or mother over me, you don’t deserve me. If you prefer son or daughter over me, you don’t deserve me.” That’s pretty clear, don’t you think? God should come first in your life, NOT other people, no matter who those people are!
For those of you who have been on the same boat as me with being condemned for being a bad person &/or bad Christian for not tolerating abuse from the narcissist in your life, please remember what the Bible has to say. God doesn’t think you’re a terrible person because you refuse to allow some horrible person to abuse you. He has called you to be like Him, not to please people, & if other people have a problem with that, well, that isn’t your problem- it’s theirs.
Ephesians 5:1-2 (AMP)
“Therefore become imitators of God [copy Him and follow His example], as well-beloved children [imitate their father]; 2 and walk continually in love [that is, value one another—practice empathy and compassion, unselfishly seeking the best for others], just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and sacrifice to God [slain for you, so that it became] a sweet fragrance.”
1 Thessalonians 2:4 (AMP)
“But just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel [that tells the good news of salvation through faith in Christ], so we speak, not as [if we were trying] to please people [to gain power and popularity], but to please God who examines our hearts [expecting our best].”