Tag Archives: Christianity

Encouragement For Those Who Pray For The Narcissists In Their Lives

Praying for people you love is easy & comes naturally as a Christian.  Praying for people who have done bad things to you is much harder.  Praying for a narcissistic parent who tried to destroy you is about a hundred times harder.  If you have taken it upon yourself to pray for your narcissistic parent, I want you to know that I truly get how hard it is.  I want to offer you some encouragement today to keep doing it, even when you don’t want to.

For many years after I became a Christian, I prayed for the salvation of my narcissistic parents.  Matthew 5:44 says we are to pray for our enemies, so I started praying for them out of obedience to God.  Honestly, my heart wasn’t really in it though.  Even before learning about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I realized their behavior was that of people who didn’t think they needed God in their lives in spite of saying they prayed & loved God.  Praying for them seemed pointless.  Not because God was unable to reach them, but because they clearly turned their backs on Him.  No matter what He did, if they didn’t want to hear or acknowledge His voice, they wouldn’t.  I got more lax in my prayers for them for a while.

As they got older & their health began failing, I stepped up my prayers more.  It was obvious they weren’t going to be around for a long time, so in spite of my lack of hope, I prayed for them daily.

The day my father died, a former friend of mine got a vision from God about my father.  The story is readily available on a link on the menu at the top of my website at http://www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com if you would like to read it.  Rather than repeat it here, suffice it to say that my father turned to God at the very end of his life.

Almost exactly eighteen months later, my mother died.  During the conversation with the funeral director, he asked my husband & I about our religious views.  Turned out he too was a Christian.  As we were discussing the final arrangements, he suddenly stopped.  He said God told him to tell me that my mother was with Him in Heaven!  A short time later, I found a tiny Bible in my mother’s house.  Apparently it was a gift to her when she was only 9 years old.  Printed towards the end was the Sinner’s prayer.  My mother signed it!  I believe that was proof that the funeral director was correct with the message he told me!

The reason I’m sharing these stories with you today is to encourage anyone who struggles with praying for the narcissist in their life.  I know it’s hard.  I also know that if you can do it, often you feel like a hypocrite because your heart isn’t in it.  There were plenty of times when I prayed for my parents I told God, “I don’t want to do this.  I don’t even care anymore what happens to them.  I’m only doing this because You want me to.”  Terrible, isn’t it?  Yet, not once did He make me ashamed of how I felt.  In fact, He understood that & was glad that I was praying for them in spite of not wanting to.  Clearly, He honored even those awful sounding prayers!

I also realize that it can be so disheartening to pray & see no improvement or hope that things will change.  Even so, please keep praying anyway!  All things truly are possible with God.  Just look at what happened with my parents.  And, just because you haven’t seen any change yet doesn’t mean that change won’t happen.

Please remember too, that you may never see the results of your prayers.  I didn’t.  When my father died, I hadn’t spoken to him in months.  When my mother died, it was just under 3 years since we spoke.  Just because I didn’t get to see the results of the prayers in this lifetime didn’t mean they didn’t happen!  Clearly, they did!

Lastly, if it seems as if God is taking too long answering your prayers, I know that can be frustrating!  Please don’t give up though!  Some people are very stubborn & close their hearts to God.  It can take a long time or something drastic to happen to break through that.  An answer delayed doesn’t necessarily mean an answer is denied.  2 Peter 3:9 in the Amplified Bible says,  “The Lord does not delay [as though He were unable to act] and is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is [extraordinarily] patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance.”

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Print Book Sale!!

From now until October 22, 2021, my publisher is offering a sale on all print books. Simply use code SPOOKY15 at checkout & get 15% off your purchase.

Visit the link below to see my print books:

https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

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Ways The Spirit Of Fear Can Manifest

No matter how deep a person’s faith, we all make mistakes sometimes.  But, when a person’s actions don’t match their proclamation of faith more than they do match, it can be very hard to believe they are truly Christians.  In praying about this topic, God showed me some very interesting things.

A person truly can be born again, yet not act the part sometimes.  They can trust in the Gospel message, yet not trust that God wants to help them in their day to day life.

This can happen with someone who has serious health issues.  I once belonged to a traumatic brain injury support group online.  I wasn’t in the group long, because I noticed many members were intensely selfish, even ones who claimed to be Christians.  They weren’t obviously out to use & abuse other people like narcissists are, but clearly if something wasn’t about them, they weren’t interested. 

Christians also may not behave like Christians if they have a distrust of parent figures.  When a person was raised by at least one narcissistic parent, they most likely have a deep fear of all parental figures.  When you grew up with parents who were not only unsafe, but blatantly cruel & had no concern for your own needs, you will not trust God to be the loving father He claims to be in the Bible. 

Both of these issues can make even a Christian behave badly, & they both boil down to fear. 

Whether someone is sick, handicapped or raised by abusive parents, their core issue with God is they don’t trust Him.  When a person has serious health problems, they become self absorbed.  They suddenly have to consider their needs often & have to rely on other people to meet certain needs for the first time.  It can be very easy to become afraid of these needs not being met.

Or, they may feel that their earthly mother or father didn’t care about their needs, so why would anyone, even their Heavenly Father?  After all, He’s a parent & parents are selfish & don’t care about their children.  They fear others not being there for them or loving them, & often don’t even realize they feel this way.

When not confronted, fear can open the door for the spirit of fear.  2 Timothy 1:7 in the Amplified Bible states, “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity or cowardice or fear, but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of sound judgment and personal discipline [abilities that result in a calm, well-balanced mind and self-control].”  Considering this verse gave me some insight into why some professing Christians don’t act like Christians.  They function with a spirit of fear.

I noticed after surviving carbon monoxide poisoning I was heading in this direction.  I had no idea what to expect from my health, thanks to the doctors giving me no information.  I also realized quickly that I had brain damage.  I had to learn quickly what was happening.  The more I learned, the more afraid I got.  The more afraid I got, the more selfish I got & the more afraid I got & the cycle continued.  Thankfully joining the TBI support group I mentioned previously made me realize how I felt, & how that was not how I wanted to be.  I spent more time in prayer, got closer to God & changed my ways.  I also learned to accept & work with my health issues.

Maybe you know someone in a similar position.  Someone operating with a spirit of fear can be incredibly painful to deal with, I know, but before you end the relationship, please consider what I have said.  Talk to the person.  Maybe they will see the problem & make appropriate changes.  If not, they may be too consumed with this spirit of fear.  Pray for them, asking God to free them from this spirit.  Reassure the person you love them & are there for them.  Granted, some people are too comfortable in their dysfunction to want change.  Some folks are also narcissists who refuse to change.  But, the average Christian person who is gripped by fear may respond very well.  Give it a try!  You can help them & also your relationship with that person.

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Narcissists Won’t Hesitate To Attempt To Destroy Anyone Who Tries To Correct Them

I wish I could take credit for this post, but I can’t. It’s from the blog, Biblical Perspectives On Narcissism. I highly recommend following it! It’s very informative & everything is backed up by Scripture.

That being said, please read this post. If you are debating confronting the narcissist in your life, then you especially need to read it!

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God Meets Us Where We Are

A phrase came to mind recently.  God meets us where we are.

What I mean is that God has ways to connect with us however & whenever reach us best at any particular time.  For example, when I turned my life over to Him, I was dabbling in the occult & witchcraft.  I was told the witchcraft I was interested in was based on the Bible, so since I wanted to be good at it, I figured I should read the Bible & learn.  What I learned first was God did NOT approve of witchcraft.  Then I learned about the love & saving power of Jesus.  Until that time, I had never opened a Bible or knew anything about Jesus.  I was taught that if you’re good you go to Heaven, bad you go to Hell, without even a real definition of what good & bad were.  I didn’t believe in God or if by some chance He did exist, I certainly wanted nothing to do with Him.  That was until I started reading the Bible for the first time.  That was the first time God met me where I was, even though it was a terrible, dark place.

There have been other times too, that He has reached me in some awful place.  During times of intense darkness & despair, He has given me signs that all would be fine by sending butterflies, a specific song began to play or I’d see a message by the side of the road that says something that felt as if He was speaking directly to me.  Every single time, those times have offered incredible comfort.  They strengthened me to keep pressing on, no matter how bleak things looked or how impossible things seemed.

I want to encourage you to know that God can do the same for you.  He will meet you where you are as He has done with me.  All you have to do is be aware. 

I realize there are people who don’t believe God speaks to people, that it only happened during Biblical times.  I can tell you from personal experience that isn’t the case!  He may or may not speak audibly, but He still speaks to His children all the time.  He may speak in the still, small voice spoken of in Kings 19:12.  He may speak in other ways, too & there are plenty of examples of that in the Bible.  God spoke to Moses in the form of a burning bush in Exodus 3:2, & to Job in the form of a whirlwind in Job 38:1.  He speaks often in dreams, visions & in the form of the Holy Spirit to the hearts of those who want to hear Him.  He used a dove to communicate to Noah & a donkey to Balaam.  He even sent a dove to the baptism of Jesus.  He speaks in whatever way the person He is speaking to will best recognize His voice.

God also gives signs as I mentioned.  Remember the story of Gideon in Judges 6?  He asked God to give him two signs that he had heard God’s voice correctly, & God did so.  For Gideon, that sign involved a fleece.  For me, as I mentioned, butterflies are a sign God uses to speak to me often.  Dragonflies are too. 

If you are currently struggling & unsure if you are hearing from God, then why not ask Him to help you?  Ask Him to help you to hear His voice better, to give you clarity & yes, even send you signs if you want.  He answered Gideon’s prayer when he asked for a sign, & since God is no respecter of persons according to Acts 10:34, He will answer your prayer.  Then, just wait for something special to happen!  When He speaks to you or sends you a sign, you will have no doubt it’s Him!

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10% Off All My Print Books Until October 1, 2021

My publisher is having another sale. 10% off ALL print products, which naturally includes my books. Simply use code BUY10 at checkout. You can see my books at the link below:

lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

If you’re interested in checking out the other great selection of print products my publisher sells, simply visit lulu.com & use code BUY10 at checkout

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When Narcissists Say You Should Just Turn The Other Cheek

Narcissists with any knowledge of the Bible whatsoever, no matter how minimal, often portray themselves as all knowing on the topic.  They use their so called wisdom to help them abuse their victims.  One way they do this is by convincing their victims that if they are truly Christians, they will forgive & forget anything the abuser says & does to them.  They may mention how “real” Christians always turn the other cheek.  They refer to Matthew 5:38-39 to prove their point. In the English Standard Version, these verses say, “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ 39 But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.” As usual, they take this completely out of context.  When these verses are said alone, without reading the rest of the chapter or at the very least, the surrounding verses, they do sound like you should simply forgive & forget, & tolerate abuse.  Nothing could be further from the truth, however!

Matthew 7:6 also in the English Standard Version says, “Do not give dogs what is holy, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you.”  There are a couple of interesting points about this Scripture .  First, dogs & pigs are used to represent those who detest holy, sacred things in the Bible.  Second, giving these unholy ones things that are valuable & holy means they will turn on you & attack you. 

Doesn’t this sound like a narcissist when you forgive & forget?  When you forgive & forget, they don’t change their ways.  If anything, they get worse. They know they can do whatever they like without having to face any consequences. 

If a narcissist tells you that you need to forgive & forget or else you’re not a good Christian (whatever that means to them), then please remember this!  They are only saying such things to try to force you to tolerate their abuse.  It’s not true!  There is absolutely nothing good, holy or Godly about tolerating abuse, period!

What is good, holy & Godly is exercising wisdom when you must deal with narcissists.  Have & enforce good, healthy boundaries.  No, the narcissist won’t like that, but that doesn’t mean you’re wrong or bad or whatever else they say you are.  By limiting or even eliminating their chance to abuse you, you are not only protecting yourself, but you’re also helping them.  They need to know there are consequences for their behavior, & they can’t always treat people any old way they want to & get away with that forever.  Boundaries also remove the opportunity for the narcissist to sin.  That is always a good thing!

It also is good, holy & Godly to remember what the narcissist has done.  Knowledge truly is power.  Whether you allow the narcissist in your life or cast them out of it, never forget what they have done!  Remembering it keeps you on guard against them & other people who behave the same way.  It also helps you to spot toxic people easily, so you won’t end up in other abusive relationships.  You also have knowledge that can help someone who doesn’t have that same knowledge.  You can give them such a gift by sharing that knowledge with them. 

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15% Off My Print Books Until Friday, August 13

My publisher has been having some really good sales this year. Here’s another one. Just use code CREATOR15 at checkout when you buy any of my print books from now until August 13, 2021

Here is the link to my books:

https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

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25% Off My Ebooks Until July 31, 2021 & 10% Off My Print Books Until July 23, 2021

The month long sale on my ebooks is still going, but will be ending at the end of this month. Don’t forget to check it out. Click the link below to see all of my ebooks..

https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/CynthiaBaileyRug

Or, if you prefer print books, you can use code CREATOR10 at checkout until July 23, 2021. Click the link below to see my print books…

https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

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15% Off Sale On My Print Books!

My publisher is offering 15% off all of my print books until July 16, 2021. Simply use code SUMMER15 at checkout.

Click the link below to see all of my print books..

https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

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Inspiring Story!

I read this yesterday & thought it was worth sharing with you, Dear Readers. I hope you enjoy it! It’s the story of an atheist who turned to God after a near death experience. It is a long read, but worth every moment. I hope you enjoy it!

https://anewlife256599767.wordpress.com/2021/07/04/hey-yall-2/comment-page-1/#comment-9683

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Biggest Sale Of The Year On My Ebooks & Great Sale On Print Books!

From July 1-31, 2021, my publisher is offering 25% off all of my ebooks.  It’s a great time to buy any of them you have been thinking about getting for a low price!

You can find all of my ebooks at the link below:

https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/CynthiaBaileyRug

If you prefer print, there is a sale going on now until July 2, 2021 for 15% off! Use code SHELFCARE15 at checkout. They can be found at the link below:

https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

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Love Isn’t Always Warm & Fuzzy

When most people hear the word love, they think of how they feel around someone they love dearly.  Whether that person is a love interest, parent, child, other relative or friend, the person thinking of them will feel warm, affectionate, caring feelings.  But, love isn’t always about those nice feelings.

Sometimes, love feels nothing like the nice feelings I described earlier.  Sometimes love is not enabling behavior the other person enjoys but is unhealthy.  Sometimes love is not allowing the other person to use you.  Sometimes love involves arguments.  Sometimes, love even involves ending relationships.  Unfortunately, many people don’t realize these things, & think love is only about the good feelings, giving in, & even tolerating abuse.

The last few months of my father’s life, I learned that is exactly what my family thought.   They clearly thought I hated him & my mother because I hadn’t spoken to them for several months at that time.  They obviously believed that I was living my life with no thought of them whatsoever.

What my family didn’t know & never would believe anyway is no contact with my parents was incredibly hard on me.  Reaching the decision to end those relationships was gut wrenching.  I took a lot of time to consider it, & said a lot of prayers.  I prayed daily for wisdom for probably a couple of years before going no contact with them, & after, I prayed daily for God to take care of them & to save them.

In John 15:17 in the Amplified translation, the Bible states, “This [is what] I command you: that you love and unselfishly seek the best for one another.”  There is no mention in there about the warm, fuzzy feelings, because sometimes, there simply aren’t any.  Consider what I just told you about my situation with my parents.  There wasn’t a single warm fuzzy feeling for them for many years, & many less at the end of their lives.  But, that didn’t mean I didn’t love them.  The difference is I loved them God’s way, by doing what it says in John 15:17, seeking the best for them.  It was incredibly hard severing ties with them, but I knew in my heart it was necessary for my mental health & for them.  And, as it turns out, my father finally turned to God at the very end of his life because I wouldn’t go see him.  I’m not sure if my mother’s motivations were the same or not, but she also turned to God at the very end of her life.  When you love people as God wants, it’s not always easy but it is for the best.

If you have been told that you aren’t loving abusive people right because you have started to set boundaries or even gone no contact, or even if not but you feel like you’re being unloving for such things, this post is for you today.   You need to know that there is nothing good or Godly about letting people use & abuse you.  In fact, it goes against God’s wishes!

Remember, if you truly love someone, you may not feel all the warm, fuzzy feelings for them.  Sometimes love is best done from a distance, & praying quietly behind the scenes.  And sometimes those prayers include saying things like, “Father God, I’m sorry my heart isn’t in this.  I’m only praying for her because I know You want me to!”  If that is all you can manage to do, there is nothing wrong with that!  God truly honors those prayers, the ones you’re only praying because you know He wants you to pray.  He applauds your effort & obedience while also dealing with that other person in ways you may not know about.

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About Anger After Trauma

Often people who are very forgiveness centered seem to think that to forgive someone means that whatever they did to you no longer triggers any negative feelings. You will be completely immune to any upset on that topic.  For example, if your narcissistic mother constantly told you that you were fat, & someone else calls you fat, if you have truly forgiven your mother, some people think that means that this other person’s words won’t bother you in the slightest. 

I really don’t believe that is true.  You can forgive someone yet still be angered by certain behaviors.

Forgiving someone doesn’t always mean you have forgiven & forgotten what they did, & everything is now unicorns & rainbows.  Forgiveness can mean that you release any expectations on them of apologizing & trying to make it up to you for wronging you.  While doing this is a good thing, it doesn’t automatically release the anger or hurt you feel that their actions caused.

Even if you have managed to release all anger & hurt you feel at the person who has hurt or even abused you, their actions still can be very upsetting.  Let’s say for example you were robbed at knifepoint.  You have recovered from any physical injuries & have forgiven the robber.  Maybe you even learned he was out of work at the time & trying to get money to feed his starving children, so you felt some compassion for him with his plight.  Do you really think that all of this would make you ok with anyone robbing anyone at knifepoint?  No!  It definitely wouldn’t, because you know this behavior is wrong, no matter what the story behind it is.  You also know how it feels to be in that position, the terror & anger it stirs up in you, & wouldn’t wish that on anyone.  If you were in this situation & heard of someone else being through what you have, you naturally would be upset, no matter how much or little anger you feel towards the person who hurt you.

Honestly, I think it is not only normal to be upset by reminders but healthy.

Not being bothered by reminders of your trauma would mean you are desensitized to it.  How is being desensitized to trauma good?  It doesn’t help you, & may in fact hurt you.  If you’re numb to the trauma you experienced, that probably means that you have ignored it for a very long time rather than process it.  That is not even close to mentally healthy!   

Being desensitized to trauma doesn’t help others who have experienced trauma either.  If you think what they say was a traumatic experience wasn’t a big deal, & you tell them that, it will instill shame in them.  They will become ashamed of being so affected by something so “trivial”.  They will wonder what is wrong with them, why they were so traumatized by something that other people wouldn’t be bothered by.  They could begin to shut down & ignore their pain rather than deal with it.  Doing this could lead to a plethora of problems such as physical problems like high blood pressure, heart problems or digestive disorders.  It also could make them turn to substance abuse, shopping addiction or promiscuity rather than face the fact that they are hurting.

Dear Reader, please know that no matter how much you have forgiven your abuser, things that they have done will continue to upset & even anger you, & that is totally normal!  In fact, let the emotions motivate you!  Become an advocate against the type of abuse or trauma you experienced.  Talk about it, so people know that these things are wrong.  If you feel bold, write a blog or a book.  See what you can to do get laws changed so other abusers like yours will go to jail.  Good truly can come from those feelings, & remember, they aren’t proof that you are unforgiving or bitter.  Far from it.  They prove you’re a person with a wise & compassionate heart. 

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10% Off All My Print Books!

My publisher is offering 10% off all print books until May 28. Simply use code SELLDIRECT10 at checkout.

My books can be found at the following link:

https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

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Simple Ways To Improve Relationships

Recently, I thought of a conversation my husband & I had a long time back. I told him how my dear friend & one of my aunts had similar bouts with cancer. They both suffered with it I think a total of 5 times each, & each time, when it went to their brain is when they died a fairly short time after.

Both my friend & aunt handled their similar situations very differently.

My friend was always a very loving & compassionate lady with a deep faith in God, but she those traits became even more pronounced as her health became frailer. A few months before she died, she mentioned via an email how Jesus carried her through it all & how grateful she was for everything in her life. She truly was an inspiration! She was also always happy to talk to me & encourage me no matter what was happening in her own life.

My aunt, however, was a different story.

While she said she was a Christian, I have doubts. During one conversation,, she mentioned how no one should be so “arrogant” as to assume God only allows certain people into Heaven & not every single person, no matter their personal beliefs. She also was extremely judgmental. If someone didn’t have cancer, according to her, they had no real problems & she didn’t want to hear them whine. Several times, she was very critical & invalidating to me of my problems, whether they were serious or trivial.

For the record, these changes happened in both of them well before any diagnosis of the cancer in their brains.

Although both ladies have been gone for several years, I still remember very well how each woman made me feel. My friend made me feel very loved & like time spent with me was valuable to her. My aunt? Not even close to the same. She made me feel as if all I did was whine about petty problems & was too stupid to recognize the only problem of the world was cancer.

This got me thinking about how people should make others they talk with feel. No functional person wants to cause other people to feel unloved, unheard, invalidated or other awful things. Yet, this happens every day. With or without intention, people say & do things that make others feel unloved, unheard & more. Following are some things I learned from my dear friend that I think are extremely important.

When spending time with someone, it is so important that they know you are present. What I mean is don’t listen to them talk while scrolling through your phone, looking at the television or the clock. Make eye contact. Respond to things they say. Show genuine empathy & care if they are telling you about a problem.

If someone is talking, don’t try to make the conversation all about you. Even if you understand what they feel or have been in an identical situation, it’s not always necessary to say that.

If someone is telling you about a problem in their life, even if you don’t understand why they’re upset, don’t be an unfeeling jerk by shaming them for their feelings. Ask if you can help somehow. Say things like, “I’m sorry to hear that!” or, “That is so unfair!”

Don’t give unasked for advice either. Many times when people confide in others, they simply want to vent. They will ask for advice if they need it. If they don’t, it’s safe to assume they have a solution in mind, so why try to give them one? Wait for the person to ask before giving advice.

When a person leaves a conversation, they should feel as my friend always made me feel – loved & valued. Small actions like I mentioned can make that happen, so please remember to do them.

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15% Off My Print Books Until May 7, 2021

If you have been interested in getting the print version of any of my books, now is a good time! My publisher is offering 15% off when using code SPRING15 at checkout until May 7, 2021.

My print books can be found at the link below…

https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

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Forgiveness & How It Relates To Victims Of Narcissistic Abuse

The Bible has many wonderful verses about forgiveness.  They are scattered throughout both the Old & New Testaments

There is a slight problem with these verses though.  It isn’t even the verses, but how verses are quoted by some people.  I’ll give you an example from my own life.  Years ago, my father was in the hospital briefly.  I did most of the communicating with the medical staff.  Some of the care he received was terrible & I was angry about it.  I was also frustrated because as his daughter, there wasn’t much I could do on his behalf.  That was my mother’s job & she didn’t seem to want to do anything.  One of my father’s sisters called me one day after an especially frustrating time at the hospital.  Upon realizing I was angry, she scolded me for being angry.  Said I need to let this go & forgive the people who caused my anger & do it NOW.  While I did that eventually, that was the lowest priority in my life at that time.  My anger helped motivate me to push the staff to treat him better & to push my mother to do what she needed to do as well.  It was also reasonable to be angry in that situation, contrary to what my aunt seemed to think.  Scolding me for responding appropriately didn’t help & in fact, made the situation worse in a way because then I was also angry with her.

This sort of scenario happens often with people who have been abused when they tell Christians about it.  I heard early in my Christian walk that I needed to focus on forgiving my parents & ex husband.  In fact, one woman told me, “I don’t know what your problem is.  God says forgive so I just do it.”  Talk about shame inducing!

It also doesn’t help that many people think to forgive someone always means you “forgive & forget.”  That is often the worst thing a person can do!

Forgiveness Scriptures are a wonderful thing, but unfortunately many people misunderstand & misapply them.

For one thing, to forgive someone doesn’t necessarily mean “forgive & forget”.  It can, of course, but for small things only.  Your best friend forgets your birthday should be one of those, especially if that person has a lot going on in their life & this is the first time it’s happened.  Applied to those of us who have been abused however?  Forgiving & forgetting is a terrible mistake!  Doing so only sets yourself up for further abuse.  It also doesn’t give the other person consequences for their actions, so they continue with their bad behavior not only with you but with others as well.  This is obviously NOT a good thing!

Forgiveness also doesn’t necessarily equal reconciliation.  It can, but it doesn’t have to mean that.  Regarding the narcissists in my life, I thought of forgiving them more like forgiving a debt.  When someone forgives a debt, that means they no longer expect the borrower to repay them what they owe.  In abusive relationships, the abuser does owe the victim at the very least an apology.  When you release the abuser from owing you that apology & whatever else they owe you, you have forgiven them.  You may still feel some anger towards them, but that doesn’t mean you haven’t forgiven them.  It means you released them from owing you anything for the suffering they caused.  In time, the anger will lessen, but it may not go away entirely.  I don’t think that’s a bad thing, because abuse should be something that stirs up anger in everyone!

Also, to truly forgive someone, you have to feel & process your emotions first.  Forgiveness can’t truly happen until you do that, I believe.  That process can take a long time sometimes, especially when a person has been abused.

Dear Reader, don’t let anyone shame you for not forgiving your abuser quickly enough.  I firmly believe that as long as you want to do that & are working on it, God isn’t angry with you.  He understands that you simply aren’t able to do it right this moment.  He will help you get there too.  All you need to do is ask for that help!

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About Praying For Abusers

Mathew 5:44 says that we are to love our enemies & pray for those who persecute us.  This really is a wonderful thing to do.  It helps you to release your anger at those people who hurt & even abuse you, which of course is a wonderful thing.  Anger is an awful burden to carry.  Plus, those who behave so terribly obviously need prayer because something is wrong with them. 

The problem is how some folks apply this verse.  Victims of abuse are often told they need to pray for the person who hurt them.  While that is true, telling someone that immediately after they have divulged their situation is probably the worst timing imaginable!

Someone who has suffered abuse really has a lot of issues to contend with.  Shame is usually one of those issues, since abusers often blame their victims.  Telling someone about it takes a lot of courage because of this, especially if the abuser & this other person know each other.  When someone does this & is immediately told that they should pray for the person who caused them such pain only adds to their shame.  Praying for that person isn’t what a person in that situation wants to do just yet, even if it is Scripture.  That can add to their shame because they are often told they’re “disobeying” God.

Telling someone in that situation to pray for their abuser is also very invalidating.  The victim’s pain is ignored & they are told to pray for the person who inflicted that pain on them.  It makes the victim feel as if they have no right to their pain, because praying for their abuser is so much more important.  A bit skewed true, but that is how that situation makes a person feel.

It also makes a victim feel like they are the problem, especially when they are still in the place of not wanting to pray for their abuser just yet.  It makes a victim feel like they are wrong & even un-Godly for not being able to pray for the abusive person.

Suggesting someone pray for their abuser too soon also can make a person turn away from God.  When you’ve been through an abusive experience & then tell someone, if that someone puts much more value on praying for the abuser than your pain, it can make you think God is that way.  He’s more interested in getting his way than your suffering or doesn’t even care about your pain at all.  No one should be made to feel this way, but it does happen, sadly.

Another potential problem this suggestion can create is anger.  Anger at God for wanting something that seems impossible.  Anger at people for preaching rather than offering gentleness & understanding.  Anger about the unfairness of feeling like the victim being assaulted while the abuser gets prayer.

Suggesting a victim pray for their abuser right away can cause that victim to be stuck in a painful, shame filled place.  Rather than push victims to pray for their abusers, they need compassion, validation & understanding.  They need love & security too.  Most of all, victims need time

If you look at Matthew 5:44 again though, while it does say we should pray for those who persecute us, it does NOT say we should do it right away.  I fail to see how there is anything wrong with focusing on healing for as long as it takes before praying for an abusive person.  In fact, I don’t think that should even be mentioned for a while to a victim.  They need to heal enough where they can hear such a message without anger or shame.  That sort of healing doesn’t happen quickly.  It takes time, & there is nothing wrong with that.  God truly understands these things & won’t be angry at a victim who can’t pray for their abuser quickly.

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My Print Books Are 15% Off For A Limited Time

My publisher is having another sale on all of my print books. Use code SELL15 at checkout & get 15% off until April 23 , 2021

Books are available at the link below:

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Living With A Spirit Of Fear

2 Timothy 1:7 in the Amplified Bible says, For God did not give us a spirit of timidity or cowardice or fear, but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of sound judgment and personal discipline [abilities that result in a calm, well-balanced mind and self-control].”  It can be so hard to remember that God has given us a healthy mind sometimes!  Having lived with many symptoms of C-PTSD for as far back as I can remember then almost all since 2012, there have been more times than not that I have doubted that very Scripture.  Clearly I’m not proud of that but it’s true.  Waking up during panic & anxiety attacks, the way sometimes anxiety runs roughshod over logic & the crippling agoraphobia I lived with for well over 20 years can make that happen.

If you can relate, then you too may be controlled by a spirit of fear as I have been.  There are ways you can identify if this is indeed the problem or not.

Do you have the urge to hide from everyone, even God?  Fear can become a self made prison, creating the urge to avoid everyone.  Most introverts are fine with plenty of alone time but even so, fear can make even the most die hard introvert spend too much time away from other people & become lonely.  It also can make even the most devoted Christian pray less & less.

Is your faith becoming weak?  If so, you may be living with a spirit of fear.  Fear can create a hindrance for believing in what God has to say.  It can make you think irrational thoughts such as all of those promises in the Bible aren’t for you, that God meant them for other people.  It can make you doubt the call on your life to the point of not following through with it.  It also can make you forget what you know the Bible says or what God has spoken to you.

Fear can consume your thoughts.  When fear takes over, all you can think about is the issue that makes you afraid.  You neglect relationships, doing a good job at work, caring for children & pets & more. 

Fear can skew your judgment.  Because fear is so tormenting & miserable, you can become desperate for a way out.  This means you may listen to people you normally wouldn’t listen to for advice. You may consider or actually do things you know you shouldn’t do.

If you can relate to these, then you may be operating under the control of a spirit of fear.  Don’t lose hope though!  You don’t have to live this way any longer!

To start, refocus on God.  Read your Bible more often.  Subscribe to a daily devotional or Bible in a year email.  Listen to Christian music that makes you feel close to God & do it often.  Ask Him for help whenever you feel fear.  And when you don’t, thank Him & ask Him to help you to live with this type of peace more often.

Consider your situation logically.  Ask yourself why this situation makes you so afraid.  Is there a valid reason to feel fear?  Can harm come to you or someone else?  Doing this can help you refocus & accept that there is no real reason to be scared.

Force yourself out of your comfort zone sometimes.  It really will help you to have more self confidence which will in turn reduce the amount of fear you feel.  When my mother died & I learned I was her personal representative, I didn’t think I could do it.  I had no choice though.  I legally couldn’t pawn the duties off on anyone else.  I literally had to force myself to do things that were miles out of my comfort zone.  I did them though.  I tried to reward myself almost every time I did something, too.  It didn’t have to be anything big.  I like driving while listening to good music so I would take a long route home & just enjoy the music.  Sometimes I picked up dinner rather than cook.  Pushing myself out of my comfort zone helped me to gain more & more confidence, & the rewards helped to cement good feelings in my mind.  Try to do the same!  Start small & do bigger, scarier things as you feel able, & don’t forget to reward yourself after for a job well done!

In time, you can stop living with that spirit of fear & start living with the sound mind that God has given you!

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When You Hate Someone

Those of you close to me know that my husband & I have bought his late parents’ home from his two sisters.  Our situation has been challenging & rather different though in many ways from a typical home purchase.  For one thing, I haven’t spoken to them since 2002, & haven’t broken that even during this process.

They haven’t been good to my husband during this process, & it’s made me so angry, I realized I went from feeling nothing for them to hating them

As a Christian, this isn’t somewhere I wanted to be but I wasn’t sure how not to feel that way.  I asked God to help me not hate them a couple of times, but mostly just tried not to think about it.  Anything that is ignored doesn’t just disappear, so I have no idea why I thought that was smart.

While I was ignoring this hate in my heart, I had a dream one night.  In it, the only part I could remember was seeing a large flock of white doves.  I looked up the symbolism.  One possible meaning of doves in a dream is that you need to release any hatred you feel.  So much for ignoring it!

I got serious about asking God to help me get rid of this hate.  Matthew 5:44 came to mind.  In the Amplified translation, it says, “But I say to you, love [that is, unselfishly seek the best or higher good for] your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,”  This really isn’t my favorite Scripture, to be honest.  It might be my least favorite in fact.  Even so, that doesn’t mean it can be ignored.  I started praying for them.  Not just as my in-laws or my husband’s sisters.  By name.  I forced myself to think of each one of them specifically as I prayed for them.  Somehow it felt like the right thing to do & I am so glad I did it!

The first two or three times I did this, it was hard.  I wasn’t sincere.  I was only praying for them because I knew that is what God wanted me to do.  Then little by little, the hatred started to disappear.  It didn’t just vanish all at once.  It took lots of praying for them, & with each prayer, a bit of hate would disappear.

Once I’d decided to pray for them, I noticed that often, I’d think of them out of the blue, & get really angry.  Rather than sit with that anger, I’d pray for them.  Even if it was just a simple prayer, asking God to turn their hearts to Him or to bless them, I’d still pray it.  And you know something?  The more I did that, the less the anger reared its ugly head.

I don’t want you to misunderstand me.  I’m not saying that all is forgiven & forgotten, we’re going to be best friends now.  I am still angry about the terrible behavior they have exhibited towards my husband.  That is reasonable, I believe, because we should always be angry about someone we love being mistreated, but especially when the abusive person shows no signs of remorse.  I also will continue not to have a relationship with them for the rest of our lives. 

Praying for them took me to a much more reasonable & even Godly place.  God doesn’t want His children hating others, but He does want us hating what is evil, according to Romans 12:9.  Abusing someone without remorse or changing behavior is evil, so there is nothing wrong with hating such things.  There is also nothing bad with having healthy boundaries in place.  Examples of setting healthy boundaries are sprinkled all throughout the Bible.

If you have gotten to a place that I was where you hate someone, then please consider praying for that person as I did.  It really is worth the effort.  It truly helps!  It’ll help the person you’re praying for & it’ll help you by allowing you to release that hatred in your heart.   

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Another Good Sale On My Print Books!

This time, my publisher is offering 15% off all print books. Simply use code READER15 at checkout until March 26, 2021 to take advantage of the sale. Visit the link below to see my books…

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Another Sale On My Print Books!

This time, my publisher is offering 10% off all print books until March 19, 2021 when you use code SELL10 at checkout.

Check out my print books at the link below…

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Sale On My Print Books!

My publisher is offering a sale on all of my print books. Use code ORDER15 at checkout.

My books can be found at the link below:

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25% Off Sale On My Ebooks Starts Tomorrow!

Don’t forget…

My publish is having their “Read An Ebook Week” sale from March 7 until March 13. This means that all of my ebooks will be 25% off!

Ebooks are the most affordable way to buy my books. Why not take advantage of the extra 25% off?

Come check them out!

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Ebook Sale!

My publish is having their “Read An Ebook Week” sale from March 7 until March 13. This means that all of my ebooks will be 25% off! Come check them out!

https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/CynthiaBaileyRug

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Blessings Are Possible In Spite Of Narcissistic Abuse

Those of us who have suffered through narcissistic abuse know trauma, depression, misery & even what it feels like to consider suicide.  We have gone through such horrific events that it can feel nearly impossible to find any good in life.  Yet we are still blessed!  Not because of the abuse, of course, but in spite of it.

Victims of narcissistic abuse always feel weak in the midst of their suffering because they are powerless, but truly, they are strong.  It takes an incredible amount of strength to escape the abuse against all efforts of the narcissist to keep you in the relationship.  It also takes a great deal of strength to escape with no self esteem, & when you believe you aren’t able to survive without the narcissist in your life.  Having such strength, especially in spite of the narcissist’s efforts to destroy it, is a huge blessing! 

Victims of narcissistic abuse are also incredibly brave.  Narcissists aren’t always physically abusive.  They don’t have to be.  They can terrify victims with a simple look that can make a victim fear or their life.  Going against someone that appears to be incredibly powerful & capable of causing you great pain & suffering is extremely brave!  Being so brave is another huge blessing.

Victims of narcissistic abuse are very appreciative.  After surviving horrific abuse, victims have a different mentality than the average person.  Victims know how bad things can be & how cruel people can be.  They have learned to greatly value all of the good things in life.  Living life with an appreciative spirit is a wonderful thing that can bring a great deal of joy, & is another blessing.

Victims of narcissistic abuse are loyal.  When someone who claimed to love you abuses you to the point of destroying your personhood, it’s hard to trust other people.  Once a victim trusts someone & that someone is good to them, however, they are incredibly loyal.  Good people are exceptionally precious to those who have suffered narcissistic abuse.  Victims will adore & protect these people fiercely, which is why they often make wonderful friends & romantic partners.  Friend & romantic partners appreciate such loyalty, so again, this is another blessing.

Victims of narcissistic abuse who turn to God have an extremely close relationship with Him.  Of all of the things I have mentioned so far, this is the most wonderful one, in my opinion.  I saved the best for last.  In typical narcissist fashion, narcissists do their best to convince their victims to believe as they believe.  The narcissistic atheist expects their victim to share their beliefs.  There are also narcissists who know enough about the Bible to be able to twist Scripture around to the point of justifying their abuse.  Such behaviors often convolute a victim’s view of God.  For someone to survive this yet come away with faith on any level is impressive, but many have an extremely intimate relationship with God.  He blesses these people greatly, too.  Isaiah 9: 2-3 says, “The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned.  3 You have enlarged the nation and increased their joy; they rejoice before you as people rejoice at the harvest, as warriors rejoice when dividing the plunder.” (NIV)  I can’t help but think God has a special place in His heart for those who have been abused, which is why He blesses victims in this way.

By sharing these thoughts, I’m not saying that any victim of abuse should be grateful for their traumatic experiences.  I am saying though that it’s good to look at these blessings in your life & be so grateful for them.  Be grateful that in spite of the narcissist’s best efforts, he or she couldn’t take these gifts from you.  And, be proud of yourself for surviving all that you have!  That, as you well know, is no easy feat!

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When People Don’t Agree With Removing Family From Your Life

It’s a simple fact of life that some family members abuse other family members.  Every single person I have spoken with who reads my work has been abused by at least one relative.  I have been too.  And one thing the majority of us have in common is that we have severed ties with these monsters to protect ourselves.

So many people have experienced the same thing I have, people coming out of the woodwork to tell us we have done something terrible by severing ties.  They seem to think since you’re related, that relationship is somehow sacred, & there is never any reason to end it.  Many people even bring God into their warped views, saying you have to “forgive & forget” or “honor your parent” by tolerating whatever they do to you.

I want you to know today that is completely wrong!

Titus 3:10 says, “As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him,” (ESV)  And, 2 Timothy 3:1-5 says,“3 But understand this, that in the last days dangerous times [of great stress and trouble] will come [difficult days that will be hard to bear]. 2 For people will be lovers of self [narcissistic, self-focused], lovers of money [impelled by greed], boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy and profane, 3 [and they will be] unloving [devoid of natural human affection, calloused and inhumane], irreconcilable, malicious gossips, devoid of self-control [intemperate, immoral], brutal, haters of good, 4 traitors, reckless, conceited, lovers of [sensual] pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 holding to a form of [outward] godliness (religion), although they have denied its power [for their conduct nullifies their claim of faith]. Avoid such people and keep far away from them.” (AMP) (Emphasis added)

Did you notice something in there about how this applies to anyone but family?  Me neither.  Probably because it’s not there!

So many of you reading this post today have ended relationships with your abusive family members, & are struggling with guilt & doubt.  I totally understand.  I’ve been in this same position.  After I stopped speaking to my parents, I had a LOT of both guilt & doubt.  Shortly after, I learned my father had leukemia, which added even more guilt & doubt.  I also had relatives constantly telling me how awful I was & doing their best to shame & even bully me into resuming the relationship with my parents.  The only reason I survived all of that with my sanity in tact is God.

When times got tough & people were being so cruel to me about being no contact, I depended on God to help me get through.  Help me He did too!  God would remind me that I did what was right, at the time it was right, & I did nothing wrong.  They didn’t see that because of their own issues, not because I had done something bad.  He even stopped me from making things worse by enabling me not to respond to their vicious attacks.  He kept reminding me that if I responded, things would get worse, so ignore them.  Save their emails, messages, etc. in case I need them one day, but don’t read them or respond to them. 

Everything God did for me during the flying monkey attacks was exactly what I needed in my situation.  He will do the same for you!  

If you have come to the point of having no contact with some of your family, please rest assured God understands!  Contrary to what some people think, He is ok with you removing toxic, abusive people from your life, even if they are family.  When you’re struggling with your decision, talk to Him & ask His help.  He won’t let you down!  Let Him help!  He can get you through anything, even this!

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Turning The Other Cheek

I noticed some interesting things when reading Matthew 5:38-39 in the Amplified translation of the Bible recently.  The verses say, “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth [punishment that fits the offense].’ 39 But I say to you, do not resist an evil person [who insults you or violates your rights]; but whoever slaps you on the right cheek, turn the other toward him also [simply ignore insignificant insults or trivial losses and do not bother to retaliate—maintain your dignity, your self-respect, your poise].”  The first interesting part was the definition of evil person.  It says someone “who insults you or violates your rights.”  That sounds like a narcissist to me.  After all, they live to be insulting & violate the rights of others.  It’s what they do & do so well.

I also like the next part of that verse that describes what turning the other cheek really means.  That was the second interesting thing I noticed.  That part of verse 39 says,  “Simply ignore insignificant insults or trivial losses, & do not bother to retaliate – maintain your dignity, your self-respect, your poise.”  That perfectly describes the Gray Rock Method!  It provides no narcissistic supply while you maintain your composure.  Narcissists can’t stand that!  They absolutely hate it, but there is nothing they can do about it without looking foolish.  This means they will leave you alone.

Like I’ve said many times in my work, it’s impossible to avoid narcissists.  They’re everywhere.  Even when we remove them from our lives, chances are excellent that others will pop up.  Hopefully only in passing, like maybe a cashier or repairman.  But, sometimes they pop up in other, closer relationships no matter how hard we try to avoid them.  A close friend starts dating a narcissist, or that new coworker is a narcissist.  In such situations, there is no escape.  The best that you can do is find ways to deal with that person.  The healthier you get, the more narcissists hate you, which may make the situation even more challenging for a while.  They see you as a threat because you can see what’s behind their masks & you don’t fall for their manipulation.  At some point though they will get bored with you & avoid you as much as possible.

In those situations, the best thing you can do is remember what the Bible says.  People who insult you & ignore your rights are evil in God’s eyes.  That is very clear in the verses from Matthew!  That means you need to protect youself from these people. 

Also, don’t forget the rest of the verse gives excellent advice in dealing with such people.  Ignore them.  Act like you didn’t even notice their cruel words or actions.  Don’t allow them to manipulate you or give them any praise.  Become boring to them, in other words.  This deprives people like this of narcissistic supply.  The more you deprive a narcissist of supply, the less that narcissist will want to do with you.  You are a waste of their time at this point.  They prefer to focus on people that will provide them with that narcissistic supply they crave so desperately.  Be as boring as possible to the narcissists in your life.  Doing so will keep you safe from their abuse.

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