Tag Archives: Christianity

Trauma Changes You

No one can go through something life altering & not change in some ways.  Whether the experience is losing someone you love, a divorce, abuse or something that threatened your life, that experience will change you somehow.

While sometimes the changes aren’t positive ones, like developing PTSD or C-PTSD (which are unavoidable, unfortunately!!),  sometimes the changes can be good.  That can take a deliberate choice to make the changes good, but it’s worth it.  Some examples are:

  • Losing a loved one, which causes you to realize how suddenly life can end.  You can either become terrified or you can decide to enjoy life more.  Also, you can decide that it’s time to start showing those you love just how much you love & appreciate them more often.
  • Going through a divorce can make you give up on love, or you can think of it as a stepping stone to find the person God meant you to be with.
  • Abuse can make you bitter & afraid, or you can learn from it.  You can learn how to identify abusive people, how to be compassionate with & help other victims of abuse & learn ways to heal. Also, surviving abuse gives you a different perspective than others who haven’t been abused.  You can appreciate the fact that you’re strong & don’t get flustered easily over the little things.

What have you been through that has changed you?  Are you trying to learn from your experiences?  If not, I encourage you to do so.  If you’re at a loss as to what good could come from your pain, ask God to show you.  Romans 8:28 says,  “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” (KJV)  Although it may not feel like it, there is some  good that can be gleaned in your painful situation, & God will show it to you, gladly.

I mentioned a while back how I went through a potentially life-ending experience with carbon monoxide poisoning.  Aside from the fact I survived, I wasn’t sure if any good could come of it, but it did.  God showed me through that event that I had a big problem with toxic shame, which was causing me a great deal of pain & suffering.  He also showed me what I needed to do to cooperate with Him to set me free of that, & I’m making progress!  I also grew up with narcissistic parents, & also have narcissistic in-laws.  In the last few years, I have learned a great deal about narcissism, which has enabled me to help others in similar situations.  Although I’m not grateful for the painful experiences, I am grateful that God has been able to make something good from them.  That is my wish for you too, Dear Reader- that you too can see something good that has come from your awful experiences & appreciate those good things.

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health, Narcissism

God Wants To Bless You!

I want to share this story to encourage you today, Dear Readers.  God does care about infinitely about you, & what you care about!  He also still does miracles today- miracles weren’t reserved only for Biblical times!  I know it can be hard to believe such things, especially when you’re dealing with a narcissistic mother, but they’re very true!

As I mentioned in this post, hubby & I had to take one of our cats into the vet for his annual checkup on Monday.  I was to call the vet yesterday for the results of his bloodwork, & wow, did I get a surprise!  The vet’s exact words were, “His bloodwork was PERFECT.”  I was stunned, & even asked the vet if he was sure.  He was!  I asked about the liver carcinoma that Pretty Boy had been diagnosed with in October, 2013.  The vet was obviously confused, & said there’s no sign of it- maybe the other vet who saw him mistook a benign mass for carcinoma.  Normally, I respect anything this man says- he’s been our vet for 20 years, & is among the best in the Baltimore area.  However, the other vet who diagnosed Pretty Boy with the liver carcinoma didn’t make a mistake.  She was almost as good as he is, plus she did a blood test & an ultrasound, so there was no doubt as to her diagnosis.  It obviously also difficult for her to tell me there was nothing that could be done for him, & she didn’t expect him to be around much longer.  I began to pray for him regularly as soon as we got this news, & God truly answered my prayers!

God truly hears our prayers, even when we feel like He doesn’t.  He also truly cares about what we care about.  When you pray, please be encouraged that God is listening!  He may not answer your prayer as you think He should, but still trust Him!  He knows best, & is worthy of your faith!

And, for those of you pet parents reading this, please never doubt that God loves your furkids even more than you do.  I know, many in the Christian community doubt this, believing animals have no souls, or are only here for people to use (or eat) as they see fit.  I must disagree with this however!  Ecclesiastes 3:19 says, “For that which befalls the sons of men befalls beasts; even [in the end] one thing befalls them both. As the one dies, so dies the other. Yes, they all have one breath and spirit, so that a [a]man has no preeminence over a beast; for all is vanity (emptiness, falsity, and futility)!” (AMP)  Here it is in the Message translation, too “19-22 Humans and animals come to the same end—humans die, animals die. We all breathe the same air. So there’s really no advantage in being human. None. Everything’s smoke. We all end up in the same place—we all came from dust, we all end up as dust. Nobody knows for sure that the human spirit rises to heaven or that the animal spirit sinks into the earth. So I made up my mind that there’s nothing better for us men and women than to have a good time in whatever we do—that’s our lot. Who knows if there’s anything else to life?”  This tells me that God loves animals just as much as people.  So, I encourage you to pray for your pets!  They are entrusted to us to care for them, to feed & shelter them, to love them.. what better way to care for them than to pray for them?

For further information about what the Bible says about animals, I have written a book on the topic.  You can find it at this link: Pawprints On Our Hearts paperback or Pawprints On Our Hearts ebook

Also, here is a picture of my handsome little miracle kitty, Pretty Boy…

pretty boy's best diabetes day ever 01272014

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A Grateful Attitude Can Help Reduce Symptoms Of C-PTSD

Yesterday was an eventful day.  One of my cats, Pretty Boy, needed his annual checkup, which was late.  A little background: Pretty Boy was diagnosed with diabetes since 2011, a condition called Somongyi where his body responds oddly to glucose in 2012, & then with a liver carcinoma in 2013.  That is when the vet said he may not be around much longer, & chances are his glucose wouldn’t be regulated ever again.  In spite of it all, he’s been doing GREAT!  Mostly his glucose has been regulated, & he’s obviously feeling good.  However, I was still nervous (as always) about his checkup.  Turned out the vet said he is doing extremely well, I’m happy to say.  Two vets saw him, one who specializes in diabetes, & she told me she thinks he’s starting to go into diabetic remission!!  It’s very unusual- cats often go into diabetic remission, but usually within about the first 3 months after their diagnosis.  The longer they have diabetes, the lower the chances of remission are.  Leave it to my little guy to be unique.. lol  It’s truly an answer to prayer!  I’m so excited!

This all got me to thinking last night how much I have to thank God for.

Lately, the C-PTSD has been especially bad, leaving me extremely depressed, tired, anxious, having a hard time concentrating & really unable & unwilling to be around people.  It’s been hard to think of anything to be thankful for, but this vet visit was the kick in the butt I needed to change my attitude.  OK, I’m still having some trouble feeling grateful, but I am doing better at it today.  I’m grateful my special little kitty is much healthier than anyone could’ve expected.  I’m grateful too that he’s such a sweet baby- he knows every emotion I have, & if I’m upset, he is right there, offering lots of love to try to make it all better.  I’m grateful for another one of my cats, Punkin, who also has PTSD & how we can help each other when symptoms flare up.  I’m grateful God has blessed me with the many wonderful cats I have & had in my life.   I’m grateful that even during the worst of times with C-PTSD, God still cares & helps me to get through it all.  I’m grateful I survived all of the traumas that caused the C-PTSD, & still have a pretty decent attitude about life most days.  I’m grateful I have people in my life who care about me.  I’m even grateful for the classic car I drive, because it was once my grandfather’s car (my favorite car he ever had) & God found a miraculous way to send it back into my life after not even seeing it in 26 years. (I wrote that story in ebook form- it’s a fascinating story even if you aren’t a classic car fan like me.  Here’s the link: http://www.lulu.com/shop/cynthia-bailey-rug/my-life-the-story-of-a-1969-plymouth/ebook/product-18462742.html )

As a result of thinking about these things & more that I am grateful to God for, for the first time in a couple of weeks, I feel the C-PTSD starting to improve some.  I’m not expecting grateful thoughts to make all of the symptoms magically disappear of course- that would be very naive- but, I have noticed a grateful attitude does help to reduce the severity of C-PTSD symptoms.  I think because it makes me feel closer to God as well as more appreciative of the good things He has blessed me with.  Thinking about such things also increases my faith in God.  Really focusing on the blessings He gives you can’t help but to increase your faith!

I know sometimes when symptoms are raging, it feels like there is absolutely nothing to be thankful for.  I’ve felt that way many times myself.  However, if you can try to think of the good in your life, or ask God to show you the ways He’s blessed you, it may help to reduce your symptoms.  Even if it only helps a little bit, isn’t it worth it?

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Avoiding Regrets In Relationships

Last night, I got a message from one of my cousins saying her father, my uncle, had just passed away earlier in  the day. I had to call my father to tell him the bad news about his brother.  It wasn’t a good conversation at all.  See, my father & uncle were once very close.  However, they hadn’t spoken in a long time, I think 2001 or 2002 was the last time they spoke, & prior to that, they hadn’t spoken many times since 1996 when they had a big disagreement.  So, now my father has to cope not only with losing his brother, but also with regrets over how their relationship ended up.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot since last night when we spoke.  It seems to me this is a very common scenario- someone dies, & the ones left behind have regrets.  Regretting letting some trivial argument come between them, maybe simply not calling/visiting as much as they wish they would have or failing to say, “I love you” more often. It’s a very sad situation.  Also it’s a situation people don’t want to think about.

I know thinking about the possibility of losing someone you love isn’t pleasant.  However, it is bound to happen at some point.  Death is a natural part of life.

I would just like to take a moment today to encourage you to be sure you don’t have regrets in relationships.  Tell those you love how much they mean to you.  End your phone calls, emails or visits by telling them, “I love you.”  (I always did this with my granddad, & it brings me some comfort that our last words to each other were, “I love you.”)  If they do something for you or say something kind to you, tell them how much you appreciate it.  Call them often.  Go out for a cup of coffee or to lunch often. Give them little gifts that show them how much you love them when it isn’t their birthday or another gift-giving occasion without expecting anything in return.  An unexpected gift with no strings attached at an unexpected time is a wonderful thing!  Use complements & praise often. Pray with & for those you love. Encourage them when they are down.  Listen quietly without offering advice.

Since I know many of you reading my blog also have a narcissistic mother, some also have narcissistic fathers, you may be wondering how this applies to you.  More or less the same.  If your narcissistic mother does something kind (I know, rare, but it does happen once in a while!), thank her for thinking of you & doing whatever it was she did.  If you can give her a genuine complement, give it.  If you see a little something she would like, buy it for her without expecting anything in return.  Pray for her.  Basically, bless her as you feel you are able to for your narcissistic mother.  I’m certainly not saying to tolerate abuse from her, or kiss up to her by any means.  I am saying to respect whatever boundaries you have with her, while blessing her as you are able to do so.  It isn’t easy, I know, but if you treat her as well as you are able, & as she deserves, you won’t have regrets about your part of your relationship.

Also, when you do something  for your narcissistic mother, do only what you feel you genuinely don’t mind doing. If it appears at all forced on your end, she’ll pick up on that, & you could be facing a narcissistic rage.

I have practiced what I am writing about today with my mother.  I honestly can say now that I have no regrets with her.  I have done my best by my mother (in spite of what some people may think, ie her flying monkeys) while protecting myself at the same time.

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health, Narcissism

Why Not Tolerating Abuse Is A Godly, Loving Behavior

One thing it seems like all adult children of narcissists share is the large amount of people who  think that we should continue to tolerate anything & everything our narcissistic parents dish out, because of such logic as, “That’s the only mother you’ll ever have!”, “She’s doing her best!”  or, “She won’t be around forever yanno!”  So many people think tolerating abuse is loving, Godly, martyr-like behavior.  How people can think this is utterly beyond me.

Consider Mark 12:32-33, & notice the last part of verse 33…

Mark 12:32-33   “Well said, teacher,” the man replied. “You are right in saying that God is one and there is no other but him. 33 To love him with all your heart, with all your understanding and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices.”  (NIV)

What exactly does it mean to love?  Here is how love is defined in the Bible..

1 Corinthians 13 “If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”  (NIV)

I see nothing in there that states how tolerating abuse is a good thing for anyone.  Basically, I see 1 Corinthians 13 this way- love wants what is best, & tolerating abuse is hardly best for anyone.  The victim certainly doesn’t get what’s best- instead they end up hurt & angry at best, or possibly even doubting their sanity at worst.  Depending on the type of abuse the narcissist dishes out, they may also end up in financial straights or with physical injuries.  The abuser doesn’t end up with what’s best when abuse is tolerated either, because being allowed to get away with bad behavior certainly isn’t loving!  Getting away with bad behavior only encourages that bad behavior to continue, & probably even to escalate.  Narcissists in particular, when not confronted with boundaries or consequences for their behavior, will continue to push the limits to see just how far they can go.

People who try to tell you that you need to let your narcissistic parent abuse  you truly have no inkling of God’s definition of love.  Sadly, many of them are very convicted in their beliefs, so trying to explain this to many of them will be a waste of your time.  However, if this is someone you know well, you will know if this person will be open or not to hearing you explain what God’s definition of love really is.  If they are, then hopefully your relationship will survive this bump in the road unscathed.

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The Civil Connection With Narcissistic Mothers

One of my readers made an interesting point. She read my post about The Silent Treatment that I wrote a couple of days ago, & mentioned how she gives her mother what she calls the silent treatment.  Hers is a bit different than her narcissistic mother’s silent treatment- she doesn’t try to punish her narcissistic mother with it (as narcissists do).  Instead she only speaks to her mother on her terms (when she is able to talk with her), & is very careful with the limited information she shares.  This is also what Dr. Karyl McBride, author of “Will I Ever Be Good Enough?” calls the civil connection.

I’ve done this with my mother & mother in-law.  Both are narcissists, my mother being the overt type, mother in-law the covert.  Both have responded very differently to it.  My mother used to get very frustrated, but it didn’t take her long to get to the point where she gives up quickly on me.  I’m more stubborn than her, & she knows that, so I assume she realizes there’s no point in trying to get something “juicy” from me once I’ve made up my mind not to give anything up.  My mother in-law, however, was a different story.  She would become visibly flustered, & try any tactic she could to force me to talk.  It became just plain funny to me after a while!  Watching her get angrier & angrier, yet unable to say or do anything about it for fear of looking bad, became very entertaining to me.

Have you tried this with your narcissistic mother?  If not, you have to try it!!  If nothing else, it’ll amuse you!

I like to give one word (or close to it) answers.  For example…

Mother: “How are you?”

Me: “Fine.”

Mother: “What have you been up to lately?”

Me: “Not much.” (she already thinks I’m lazy, so she’ll believe I haven’t done much)

See how that works?  It’s really easy.

Chances are, your narcissistic mother will start to push for more information from you when you give her such curt responses.  She will hint around, trying to get you to talk, as she won’t ask outright for fear of looking unreasonable, bad, or whatever.  Refuse to respond!  Ignore the hints.  I’m telling you, it will fluster her, & if you’re lucky, she’ll give up trying to get news from you.

Once, I had a doctor’s appointment on a day when my mother in-law thought I should do something for her (which is amazing in itself- she’s hated me from the day we met, so why would she think I would be willing to help her in any way?!).  I told her I couldn’t do it- I had a doctor’s appointment that afternoon.  I should have said “prior obligation” instead of admitting what I was doing, but it slipped out.  It turned out to be hilarious for me though!  She said things like,  “Well, if you’re seeing the doctor, it must be serious.  I understand why you can’t do this for me…” (I simply said “Thanks” in response), “If you can’t reschedule it, that isn’t a good sign.  I’m so worried about you!” (yea, right!  She didn’t care- she just wanted information, so I simply told her I was fine.), “Why are you seeing the doctor?” (the only direct question she asked, & I ignored her question, as I was listening to my husband & his father talk- I pretended I didn’t hear her over them), or “I guess you can’t do this for me since you HAVE to see the doctor on that day & no other…I don’t understand why it has to be THAT day..” (to which I responded with, “Nope, I can’t do it.”)  By the time my husband & I left her home shortly after, I was surprised her head didn’t explode!  I barely made it to the car before I started laughing!

If you haven’t tried this type of interaction with your narcissistic mother, please consider doing so!  Not only will it entertain you, it will give her less opportunities to hurt you.  You will speak to her only as you are able to do so, & by limiting your conversation as well as your exposure to her, you will give her less to criticize about you.  It really will make your interactions with her much easier for you!  Also, it’s not disrespectful, so if you are concerned about not honoring your mother, as many Christian daughters of narcissistic mothers are, please don’t worry!

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Do You Accept False Blame & Guilt?

Last night was a rough one.. I had a flashback while reading an article online.  The flashback was about something that happened with the ex boyfriend of mine who I mentioned in this post.  It was strange, because I wasn’t even thinking of him, nor had I thought of him in a few days.  I also never had a flashback about him before, nor had I remembered the incident until last night- I must have forgotten about it shortly after it happened (repressed memory).  The whole thing was just so odd!  I had some thoughts about it though, that I thought I should share.  I’m hoping this will make sense- I still feel weird this morning as I’m still recovering from the flashback, & can’t think very straight.  Please bear with me…

As I’d mentioned in the post I’d linked to above, I’d felt guilty since I broke up with that man in 1990.  Guilty for hurting him, guilty for letting myself get involved with someone I wasn’t interested in in the first place, guilty for dashing his hopes for marriage & a family.  That is all I ever thought of regarding him.  It wasn’t until his death last January that when I thought about our relationship, I realized how dysfunctional & abusive it was.

I’ve done similar things with friendships I’ve ended- felt guilty for hurting the other person, only to realize years later that the other person was using me & really a terrible friend,& I had to end that relationship.

I would bet that this is pretty common with daughters of narcissistic mothers.  I know that I grew up feeling so overly responsible for my mother that I carried that overdeveloped sense of responsibility into other relationships.  I still fight with that to this day sometimes.  As a result, people who use & abuse have sought me out, & if I ended the relationship, I ended up feeling guilty for not doing enough, or letting them down somehow.  I take on blame that isn’t necessarily mine.  The result is a lot of wasted time beating myself up & feeling guilty for things I shouldn’t feel guilty about.

Does any of this sound familiar to you??  I’m guessing it does.

If you’re in this position of berating yourself for failed relationships, I would like to encourage you today.  Think objectively about those relationships, & if you have a hard time with being objective, pretend a good friend is telling you about it rather than you having experienced it.  What would you tell her?  Would you blame her completely for the relationship failing?  Would you tell her that she was stupid for becoming involved with the person  in the first place or for allowing that person to use or abuse her?  Then what makes telling yourself these things OK?

I’m not saying you’re never at fault or never make mistakes in relationships.  We all do those things.  It’s part of being human.  However, I’m talking about not accepting 100% of the blame 100% of the time.  Accept blame when it’s yours & make amends where you can, but also keep the other person’s blame on them.  It isn’t yours to take.  if you are unsure about what blame is & is not yours, I encourage you to ask God.  Pray about it, & God will show you what you need to know in a loving, gentle way.

Don’t beat yourself up!  Feeling guilty & berating yourself for things that aren’t your fault only continue the abuse your narcissistic mother did to you.  You deserve so much better than that!!  xoxo

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How To Avoid Accepting Blame From A Narcissist

The topic of defending oneself to a narcissist & its futility came up in my facebook group this morning.  It was also mentioned how narcissists can turn anything back around onto you.  True, isn’t it?  They could beat you bloody, steal all your money, or call you horrible names for something so silly as reading a book, yet according to them, you are the problem.  And, if you aren’t careful, you can end up accepting that lie as truth. I’ve done this many times myself.

How can you avoid falling into that awful trap?  It’s easier than you may think..

First of all, I have found that a good relationship with God is vital.  When you are blamed, ask God if this is true, are you really at fault?  Ask Him to help you see things clearly so you don’t accept blame that isn’t yours.

Focus on improving your self-esteem.  The more secure you are, the harder it is for anyone to push false blame on you.

Learn all you can about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  Knowledge truly is power, & knowledge of NPD will help you to remember that they are the ones with a problem, not you.  This is something you need to be very aware of in order to stop accepting the blame for problems a narcissist blames you for.

Another thing I’ve learned to be very helpful is to journal about the events.  Seeing them written out factually, without emotions, helps bring you clarity.  That is partly why I discuss my experiences with my narcissistic mother.  It helps me to keep a proper perspective while also helping others.  It also helps me tremendously when people say things like, “I read in your blog about what your mother did.  She was so wrong for doing that!”  It’s an additional validation.  I’m not saying you have to make what you write public as I have, of course, but if you opt to do so, it may help you as it helps me.  You can use false names if you want to remain anonymous.

Talk to those who understand.  Close friends or relatives who know the situation, & support you can be tremendously helpful.  Often those with narcissistic mothers don’t have many friends or relatives who do support them, as narcissistic mothers love turning people against her daughter, but there is still hope.  There are facebook groups & forums like mine that are full of safe people who understand your plight because they have been in your situation.

Lastly, never engage a narcissist.  Ever. If she wants to blame you for something, don’t defend yourself.  Respond to her with calmness & logic. If she continues raging, walk away.  Let her look like a fool while you protect yourself.  If she recruits others to her side, & those flying monkeys wish to talk to you on her behalf, refuse to discuss that topic with them.

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When Bad Times Happen With A Narcissistic Parent

Since I’ve said I’ll keep this blog real & not sugarcoat things, I thought I should share this.

As I’ve said, lately I’ve been feeling like I need to write for those who either can’t or won’t go no contact with their narcissistic mothers. I’ve been trying to be encouraging to those of you in that situation, & I firmly believe in what I’ve been saying.  But, this doesn’t mean bad times don’t happen sometimes.

Although things have been going quite well with my parents, Monday I was hurt by both of them.  It was my father’s birthday, so I wanted to call to wish him a happy birthday.  My mother answered the phone, & we talked for a while.  She seems to be trying to be nicer to me, I think because she realizes I’m pulling away as I always do when she gets nasty.  Even so, she still hurt me by talking with compassion & concern about a problem someone she knows has. Sadly, I’ve had the same problem for years now, & she doesn’t even care.  In fact, she obviously didn’t remember I have this problem.

Then, I spoke with my father.  He can be very pessimistic.  In fact, if you saw the movie, “Kindergarten Cop”, you may remember the little boy who, when his teacher said he had a headache, replied with, “It could be a tumor.”  That is who my father reminds me of sometimes- he can find a possible negative in most any situation.  He reminded me of my first car that is sitting in my backyard, waiting on restoration, & getting rustier by the day.  *sigh*  He told me I should sell her, which isn’t happening.  She’ll be restored somehow, & frankly, what business is this of his, anyway??

Unfortunately when you’re in a relationship with your narcissistic parents, times like this happen.  While the things I’ve written about definitely will help you, they won’t make everything perfect.  Bad times still will happen.  Please don’t be discouraged by these times.  They are going to happen.  They can’t be avoided 100%, unfortunately.

And, if you think about it, you’ll realize you are handling those bad times better.  I did.  I was hurt, of course, but I wasn’t devastated by Monday’s call.  The suggestions I’ve been making & putting into practice for myself- boundaries, looking for the positive, improving self-esteem & leaning on God most of all- have helped me a LOT.  I have no doubt they’ll help you as well.

I know being in a relationship with a narcissist isn’t easy, especially when everyone tells you to just walk away.  But, if this is where you feel you need to be at least for now, or you are unable to walk away, please be encouraged.  God will enable you to do what you need to do to protect your mental health!

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Maintaining Healthy Boundaries

It’s not easy for any adult child of a narcissistic parent to maintain good, healthy boundaries.  Some of us are too lax while others become too strict.  There needs to be balance, & below I want to offer some thoughts on maintaining healthy, balanced boundaries..

To have & enforce healthy boundaries, first off, I believe you must believe that you are entitled to have needs.  It is perfectly fine that you have needs. Your needs are just as important as anyone else’s!  If you don’t believe this, I encourage you to pray.  Ask God to tell you what He thinks of your needs, & if you are allowed to have them.  Then, just listen for His response.

Be firm & fair with your boundaries.  Realize what your narcissistic mother is & is not capable of, & keep your boundaries realistic. For example, if she cannot respect the fact that you need to leave her at a certain time, remind her of the fact you need to leave by a specific time.  When the time is approaching yet she wants you to stay, there is nothing wrong with saying, “I have to go in 10 minutes.”  Then, when 10 minutes comes, get up, say good bye, & leave.

Have realistic expectations.  Remember, your narcissistic mother won’t like your boundaries.  Prepare yourself for that by having effective, creative ways in mind to enforce them.

Remember, it’s ok to distance yourself.  Either temporarily or permanently, sometimes distance is the best solution for you when dealing with someone who has no respect for your boundaries.  Hanging up on or leaving the presence of someone who ignores your boundaries is acceptable!  It’s not unreasonable at all- you are taking care of yourself which means you need to do what is necessary to do so.  And, sometimes, severing ties is a viable solution.  However, you need to decide what type of distancing yourself is best for you- do NOT let anyone else tell you what you should do!  The decision is yours & yours alone to make, & nobody but God & you know what is best for you!

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“And We Know That All Things Work Together For Good To Them That Love God”

Good morning, Dear Readers!

I read a lovely quote yesterday by Budda.  It says, “Every experience, no matter how bad it seems, holds within it a blessing of some kind.  The goal is to find it.”  I thought it was a very true & lovely quote, & it reminded me of Romans 8:28 which says, “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” (KJV)

I am not of the delusional mindset that if you are just positive enough, all the pain from the painful experiences will magically disappear.  I also will never, ever say I am grateful for the abuse & traumas I’ve experienced in my life, or that they were a blessing.  And honestly, I have yet to find any blessing in some situations even years later.  However, I am happy to say that some good has come from them.  My horrible first marriage taught me it’s better to be alone than with an abuser, to recognize certain warning signs in a man that show he isn’t good for me, & to recognize signs of abuse in a romantic relationship.  The narcissistic abuse from my mother taught me so much about what makes her act the way she does, how it has affected me, setting & enforcing healthy boundaries & more, plus it’s enabled me to help others in similar situations.

By saying these things, I’m not saying abuse or trauma is a good thing, or is necessary for building character or anything so ludicrous.  I’m also not trying to trivialize trauma.  I’m just saying I think it can be a good & healthy thing to find the little bit of positive in a sea of pure crap.  For years, I thought my pain had no purpose at all & nothing good could ever come from it.  Realizing it has, has helped me be more at peace with the traumatic events.  By that I mean that I’ve been able to accept that they did happen & cope to the best of my ability, which is so much better than how I used to handle my pain- by stuffing it down inside & trying to ignore it.

It just amazes me how God can pull some good out of so many terrible situations.  Regarding Romans 8:28, when I thought about that Scripture this morning, I thought about my gorgeous snowshoe Siamese cat, Jasmine. Jasmine was a lovely cat, but her first 7 years of life, she had irresponsible owners who passed her from home to home.  Her last owner before me was good to her, but she passed away in 2003, which is when I inherited Jasmine.  I learned early Jas had a wall up- she was obviously tired of getting close to someone only to have them abandon her.

On Christmas day, 2009, my husband found her barely responsive.  We couldn’t see the vet until the following day, but we immediately got her in that day.  The vet had taken such good care of Danya, my husky/wolf, when he had diabetes, that I was positive he’d be equally as great with Jasmine.  Not only did he misdiagnose her as having cancer or pancreatic issues, he coldly told me I should “just put her down.”  I don’t believe in doing that, plus Jasmine’s pleading eyes told me it would’ve been a mistake.  I took her home, expecting my beautiful girl to die in 1-2 days.  Instead, she started to improve.  She moved a little, then ate & drank a little.  Five days later, she sat upright!  In looking online for answers for her symptoms, I met a good friend who is a vet tech, who diagnosed Jasmine as having had a stroke!  Once she said that, i was able to take care of Jasmine & she recovered with only a little sway to her rear end as a sign she had a stroke.

During following 2 years, Jasmine had 3 more strokes, only her final one giving her any problems.  She fully recovered from the other 2.  We became even closer as I cared for her.  That wall she had built crumbled, & she became not only dependent on me for her care, but also for comfort & love.  She also fought so hard after each stroke to recover fully until she no longer could do so after her last stroke.  And even then, she fought so hard to stay alive.  Her blue eyes stared into mine for her last few hours with such love.. it was beautiful, the love she showed me.

While I can’t say her strokes were a good thing by any means, I still am grateful that she let them change her.  We became so close, much closer during her last 2 years than during the previous 6 years when she was in better health.  She also became very close to the other cats & dogs, rather than ignoring them.  She even became more clear in her communications with me, which struck me funny since one of our dogs at the time was very good at communicating with me, & she always had looked down on him for that.

Out of such a tragic event as a stroke, something beautiful happened.  Jasmine was able finally to accept the fact she had a loving family, & to accept happily the gestures of love we all gave her.  It even seemed to give her strength & a strong desire to fight with every fiber of her being to heal after the strokes.  It really amazed me, & still does, that something so positive came out of such a horrible situation.  Her courageous love (as a good friend of mine describes it so perfectly) was an inspiration to me, & I thank God for blessing me with that amazing, lovely creature.

If you think about the bad situations in your life, what good has come from them?

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Adult Child Of A Narcissistic Mother, Be Compassionate With Yourself!

Tomorrow, Christmas eve, would’ve been my 24th wedding anniversary, if I had stayed married to my ex husband.

The day always brings some conflicting feelings.  Mostly, I am grateful I was able to get away from him, as he was a narcissist who treated me much like my narcissistic mother used to treat me.  I can’t imagine how bad things would’ve been for me if I had stayed with him.  Chances are good that I would have killed myself if we had stayed together.  I was that depressed with him.

It also makes me sad though, when I think of how damaged I was back then.  I knew marrying him was a mistake, which is why I had broken up with him a few months prior.  Yet I still allowed him to talk me into marrying him anyway.  I married him instead of continuing to date someone who I really enjoyed being with, because I believed my ex when he made me feel guilty for leaving him, & like I owed it to him to marry him for hurting him so badly.

It’s amazing the things that a child of a narcissist will do, isn’t it?

I’m sharing this embarrassing bit of information about myself with you today for a reason.  I’m sure you too have things in your past that you regret.  Bad choices made out of dysfunction, pain or even desperation to be loved.  I want you to know that you’re not alone!  You have nothing to be ashamed of! Mistakes like mine are a normal part of being raised by a narcissistic mother.  You grow up so dysfunctional because all of your growing up years, you were told you were a horrible, stupid, ugly, selfish, etc. etc. person.  You were blamed for things that weren’t your fault, & made to be responsible for things no child should be responsible for, such as her mother’s emotions.  Things like this cause a tremendous amount of damage that permeates your innermost being well into adulthood.  It is completely normal!

Please don’t do like I did for many years.  I beat myself up for being so stupid & marrying someone I didn’t love, for falling for all of his manipulations, for being so starved for love that I believed him when he said he loved me, for ignoring my instincts that told me to stay far from him & for passing up a good man for a narcissistic one.  I asked myself so many times how I could be so stupid, basically continuing the beating up of my self-esteem that both my mother & ex-husband started.  It was wrong & cruel, & I showed myself no understanding or compassion.  Don’t make that same mistake!  You deserve so much better than that!

While yes, you have made mistakes & done dumb things, everyone has!  No one is immune from making mistakes in their life, especially someone raised by a narcissistic mother.  Show yourself some compassion & realize that you have been through some damaging things- it’s only natural you have made mistakes.

Also remember, God loves you & forgives you.  If He forgives you, how can you not forgive yourself?

Be gentle & understanding with yourself, Dear Reader.  You deserve it.  xoxo

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Aging & Narcissists

This morning, I read an interesting article about the final years of Jim Jones.  He was a notorious cult leader who led over 900 of his followers to commit suicide in 1978.  Like all cult leaders, Jones was a narcissist.  His final years were full of more bizarre & controlling behaviors, & the article I read discussed why he was this way.

For years, I’ve wondered why so many narcissists get meaner as they get older, while your average person becomes gentler & kinder.  It began to make some sense to me as I applied what I read in the article to my own narcissistic mother.

As we age, we lose some qualities of youth, such as good looks, health & physical strength.  While most people accept this, narcissists don’t.  At the root of narcissism is an extreme insecurity.  They count on such things to always be there for them, yet those things aren’t.  When they aren’t, this makes the narcissist more insecure & they will lash out at those around them out.  Anything that makes a narcissist feel more insecure or that threatens their illusion of their perfect, false self angers them, & the aging process is no different.

Also, losing such qualities can mean losing control over those the narcissist once controlled easily.  A narcissist who was big, strong & healthy could physically intimidate another person when young, but once that person is older, not so strong or healthy, that ability is gone.  The narcissist must change how she controls her victim.  I have seen the changes with my mother.  When I was a child, it didn’t take much effort for her to control me- the vicious looks & cruel words always scared me easily.  In my late teens, I wasn’t so easily controlled, however.  She began screaming at me, sometimes inches from my face, calling me terrible names & saying horribly cruel things.  Once I moved out of my parents’ home at 19, my mother often said cruel things, but without screaming at me.  She also did other nasty little things.  For example, after she threw me into a wall & hurt my back when I was 19, she would constantly hand me something heavy or slap me on the back where it was injured when I saw her.  Now that she is older & frailer than she once was, her method of attack has changed yet again.  She loves to say cruel things to me quietly while we’re in a public place, such as a restaurant.  That way, either I have to take it quietly, or if I speak up, I’ll draw attention to my “awful” behavior & look like the crazy one.

If they continue to feel they are losing control, narcissistic tactics will get more vicious, as I have shown with my mother’s behavior.  I personally don’t believe this means you have to cater to the narcissist or tolerate the abuse.  Instead, I believe there are 2 options- either sever ties with the narcissist, or if you can’t or are unwilling to do so, strengthen yourself to withstand the abuse.  There are several ways to do this…

First, pray.  A strong relationship with God is vital.  You need to be secure in knowing He loves you, supports you & will show you ways to cope.

Second, you also will need to have strong boundaries.  You need to know what you can & can’t tolerate.  You’ll need to have good, effective ways to enforce those boundaries.  If a topic comes up that you don’t want to discuss with your narcissistic mother, then change the subject, for example.  Change it over & over as necessary- eventually she will get tired of this.

Third, keep your conversations superficial.  Don’t divulge information about your personal life to your narcissistic mother.  That information only becomes ammunition for her to use to hurt you later.

Fourth, remember- you do NOT have to be available 24/7.  Don’t answer the phone every time she calls  Don’t spend a lot of time with her.  Keeping some distance will help you to preserve your mental health.

Lastly, don’t neglect yourself.  Spend time with God & with empathic, caring people who understand what you are going through & won’t judge or criticize you when you get angry.  Get good at being good to yourself.  Get yourself little gifts periodically, treat yourself to bubble baths or manicures regularly, or whatever nourishes your soul.  Taking good care of yourself will help to strengthen you when you have to deal with your narcissistic mother.

Below is a link to the article I read about Jim Jones that inspired this blog post.

http://jonestown.sdsu.edu/?page_id=40230

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If You Think You’re Alone, You’re Wrong!

Good morning, Dear Readers!

I wanted to thank every single one of you who has contacted me over the last few days with encouragement, compassion & concern.  Your kindness truly has meant the world to me, & I can’t thank you enough.  I never expected such a response from my posts- it was a wonderful surprise.  When I felt God wanted me to post what I did, I assumed it was for someone else’s benefit, not my own.

This truly goes to show that when you are rejected by your own family, God gives you a new one.  Psalm 68:6 says, “He gives families to the lonely, and releases prisoners from jail, singing with joy! But for rebels there is famine and distress.”  (TLB)  This Scripture is so true, & you lovely people have proven it.  Thank you!

Being raised by a narcissistic mother makes you feel completely alone like nothing else can, I think.  That lonely feeling is there even when you are surrounded by others.  It even goes with you into adulthood.  The good thing is if you allow God to, He will send others into your life who understand & offer you unconditional love & support.

If you are on facebook, I have a group on there full of lovely, wise, caring people, many of whom have narcissistic mothers.  I would love to see you join us!  Here is the link:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/FansOfCynthiaBaileyRug/

If you aren’t on facebook, I also have a forum that I am trying to get started.  Feel free to join in the conversation!

http://cynthiasforum.boards.net

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Ranting & Raving.. (revised)

Good morning, Dear Readers!

Well, it isn’t really a good morning for me.  I really do want to keep my posts as encouraging & as positive as I can, but I also promised you readers that I would also be real.  That means some posts won’t be all happy & positive.  This post is going to be one of those.  In fact, I was going to write it only in my journal, but I felt I should write it in here.  Maybe someone needs to read this today.  It’ll probably be pretty long, longer than normal at least, so get yourself comfortable if you want to read this.. lol

The last few days have been really rough, & the C-PTSD is flaring up badly as of yesterday.  My head is simply swimming.  To start with, our little American Eskimo dog, Dixie, has been sick.  Thankfully, she is well on her way to recovery now, but not recognizing her symptoms at first terrified me.  My pets are like my children, so  when they are sick, I get extremely concerned.  Then my husband’s mother went into the hospital a couple of days ago.  I’m not sure she didn’t put herself there for attention, to be completely honest about it.  It wouldn’t be the first time she’s done that.  I think it was last year just before Christmas my husband told me she said that she quit taking her meds for a few days prior to going into the hospital.  Yep, I love narcissists.. NOT.  *sigh*

And, as the icing on this crappy cake, my husband & I saw my parents yesterday.

Recently, my parents bought a new chair.  Once it was delivered, my mother decided she didn’t like it, & wanted to exchange it for another one.  She called to ask if my husband would mind picking it up with his truck, as she didn’t want to pay another $80 delivery charge.  He said he’d be fine with doing it Saturday (yesterday).  So Friday, I said I should call her to be sure of what time to meet my parents at the furniture store.  He volunteered to make the call instead, which was fine with me at the time.  Now, I’m not happy he did this at all & that will not be happening again as I have learned a painful lesson.  Although I have told him many times, do NOT say anything about our furkids or his parents to my parents other than everyone is “fine”, he told my mother Dixie was sick & probably needed to see the vet in the morning, & also that his mother was in the hospital so we couldn’t make it a long visit.  If my mother hears anything other than FINE about any of them, I will end up very angry with either her nasty comments about my furkids, or fake concern over my in-laws.  The fake concern hurts me very badly, because she knows perfectly well I haven’t spoken to my in-laws since 2002 because of how cruelly my narcissistic mother in-law has treated me.  And a side note here- I asked God once why my mother does this.  He showed me that my mother thinks my in-laws have a perfect life- been married 60+ years, financially comfortable, nice home in a nice area, their children, grandchildren & great-grandchildren visit them often.  She fails to see the mountains of dysfunction in their family, only what looks good on the outside.  My mother, being a narcissist & naturally overly concerned with appearances, wants to impress them. By me refusing to tolerate my mother in-law’s abusive ways, I’ve embarrassed my mother.  In return, she wants to hurt me as much as possible by showing concern for them, as well as showing them even though I’m a “terrible person,” at least she isn’t bad like me.  She is good enough to care about them even if I don’t.  This is also why she has sent them Christmas cards since I first told her how cruel the mother in-law is.  Amazing what goes on  in the mind of a narcissist..

Back to the original topic..

The visit started at the furniture store.  My mother sat in the car, & my father approached us in hubby’s truck.  He handed hubby a booklet about county services for seniors I’d given my parents a couple of months ago.  He said it was because hubby’s parents probably needed it.  Really?  Hubby told my father no, they’re fine- my parents need it.  My father said my mother thought they needed it more, so they should have it. Hubby grabbed the booklet & spoke to my mother, telling her SHE needs this, his parents are taken care of.  I heard snippets of their conversation- she kept changing the subject, showing concern for his mother being in the hospital.  ARGH!  So while this happened, my father & I walked into the customer service area & gave them the receipt.  We waited a few minutes for him to bring the chair outside for us, & chatted.  Finally we were loaded up & ready to go.  I moved the truck over to beside my mother’s car to get it out of the way.  My mother said hi to me, I ignored her & waited for hubby.

At my parents’ house, my mother asked me how Dixie was.  i said fine.  She said “Oh?  Your dad said she was really sick.”  I said nothing further.  (I feel somewhat bad about that, because knowing her, she’ll jump on my father for lying to her even though he wasn’t lying.  But, not trying to be vengeful here, he has no problems throwing me under the bus with my mother.  Why should I feel bad that I inadvertently did the same to him once, yanno?)  So she then talked to hubby about his mother.  I continued ignoring her, but was stewing inside.  How dare she?!  Plus i was also angry hubby told her about Dixie when I have said many times mention NOTHING about her or the cats to my mother.

My husband, father & I assembled the chair.  While working on it, my mother brought out a plate of cookies & demanded we all eat one.  I refused.  All my life, my mother has insulted what I eat, how much I do or don’t eat, demanded I eat what she wants when she wants me to & ridiculed me for being fat no matter how little I may weigh.  When she tells me to eat something now, I refuse in order to set a boundary.  Plus, the emotional flashbacks I get make me feel like I did at around 10 years old when her abuse regarding food was so bad that I became anorexic then later bulimic: terrified of her anger if I didn’t do as was told or take her criticisms with a smile, angry, like I am too hideous & disgusting to live.  This feels HORRIBLE & it makes me angry that at 43 years old, I quickly can revert to feeling like I did as a child.

Finally, the chair was done, & we were ready to leave.  As I said goodbye to my father, my mother spoke to my husband about his parents again, feigning such great concern for their well-being.  I could feel the anger inside me bubbling by this point.  Then, as I moved to say goodbye to her before my head exploded, she said “Wait a minute.”  My mother went into another room & came back with a plate of cookies & a get well card for my mother in-law!!  She handed them to hubby.  I was in shock at this point.  She then hugged us both & told me she loved me as we left.  I practically ran to the truck.  I also realized when she has been especially cruel to me recently, she always says she loves me.  No other times.  In fact, I could probably count on one hand how many times she has said that in the last 30 years until this behavior began recently.

I cannot put into words how hurt I am by this whole episode.  I know my mother is extremely angry with me because I set boundaries with her early last month.  (See this blog entry)  I’ve been expecting a narcissistic rage because of that as I mentioned in that post, which meant I was expecting her to say excessively cruel, hurtful things to me in a public place.  But this betrayal & flaunting it?  And to top it off, my husband basically handed her the weapon on a  silver platter & doesn’t understand why I’m upset?

I am just depressed, hurt & angry today.  I feel so alone in this situation, & am so tired of feeling that way. I can’t talk to my husband about it since he doesn’t really understand.  I can’t talk to my father- he’s got his own concerns with how cruel she is to him, & those concerns are very valid.  He also won’t speak on my behalf to my mother.  I also feel like I don’t matter.  Again. I am so tired of this feeling!  My mother made me feel this way growing up.  Being a typical malignant narcissist, I was only there to be an extension of her, meet her needs & please her.  I wasn’t to “bother” her with having needs or feelings. Growing up, things haven’t really improved with her in that area.  My husband’s invalidating “I wouldn’t give it any credence” comment about my mother’s actions yesterday have made me feel the same “I don’t matter” feeling.  I’m so tired of it!!!

I’m also incredibly frustrated.  Something must be done with my mother, but I am too frazzled at this moment to figure out what.  If I speak up about her “Caring” about my mother in-law, it’ll feed her- she will be sure to show more concern for her just because she knows exactly how much it hurts me.  If I remain quiet, she will show more concern to be sure she is getting to me.  Damned if I do, damned if I don’t… So, I need to pray about how to handle this after I feel better.

Right now, I’m wallowing in the self-pity place.  I know  this all too well, & I don’t like it at all.  But, I have learned some things since I’ve been here so many times in my life: this place is necessary, & it doesn’t last forever.

So many people will tell you things like “pick yourself up by your bootstraps” but sometimes you need to wallow for a bit, to feel sorry for yourself because you have been through something very painful.  I think of it as feeling compassion for yourself.  If someone told me what I just told you, my heart would break for them.  I would want to tell them everything will be fine & somehow make it better if I could.  So why not have that same compassion for myself?

I also think that the self-pity times allow us to process painful things, & we need to process painful things!  Sweeping things under the rug or ignoring the pain they cause do no good at all!  In fact, ignoring things can cause a great deal of harm.  I never really dealt with the abuse I endured until I was around 30 years old.  By the time I was 41, I developed full blown C-PTSD after living with many of the symptoms my whole life.  I wonder if I had been able to deal with things earlier, if I would have C-PTSD now.  Not dealing with things also can cause physical problems such as arthritis, heart problems, ulcers, high blood pressure, & much more.

If you made it this far, God bless you!  Thank you for listening to me rant & rave.  I hope somehow you were able to glean something helpful from this post.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I’m revising  this post only slightly…..

 

I saw yesterday that the card my mother gave my husband for his mother wasn’t in a sealed envelope- the flap was just pushed in.  Seemed odd to me, but I figured that meant my mother wanted me to read it.  Knowing her, that just made sense in her dysfunctional little world.  So, I finally gave in a few minutes ago.  This is the card- nothing has been altered at all. This shows just how hell bent my mother is to hurt me- she is sending a nicer card to someone she can’t stand than she has ever sent to me.  I honestly don’t even know if she’s ever given me a get well card…

 

This is the outside of the card...

This is the outside of the card…

& here is the inside... lovely wording, isn't it?

& here is the inside… lovely wording, isn’t it?

 

 

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

You Are Not Alone!

Good afternoon, Dear Readers!

Every morning, I receive an email with a Scripture in it from a Christian website.  It’s a nice way to start my day.  Today’s Scripture was 1 Peter 5:8-9:

Be clearheaded. Keep alert. Your accuser, the devil, is on the prowl like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.Resist him, standing firm in the faith. Do so in the knowledge that your fellow believers are enduring the same suffering throughout the world.” (CEB)

The last sentence is exactly why i write about some of the topics I write about- to let people know thy aren’t alone.

Growing up with a narcissistic mother, although I knew nothing of narcissism until a few years ago, I knew something was different.  My experiences were vastly different than my friends’.  I didn’t know anyone else who acted like her or treated their children like my mother treated me.  Once I started talking to a school counselor then a couple of therapists when my mother’s abuse peaked when I was 17, I was invalidated.  The school counselor said “That doesn’t sound so bad to me” when I told her my mother would scream at me, lecturing me about what a terrible person I was.  One therapist, after meeting my mother said she could no longer see me because I was such a “terrible daughter.”  My friends couldn’t understand my suffering, obviously, as narcissistic abuse is nearly impossible to understand even when you have experienced it firsthand.

Then in 2012, I developed all of the symptoms of C-PTSD.  Suddenly, I became a different person.  I was no longer able to hide depression & anxiety as I had previously.  I started with flashbacks & more frequent nightmares.  My sleep became worse than ever- trouble falling asleep & staying asleep.  In discussing some of my symptoms, i learned a lot of people simply don’t care about them.  People close to me, not strangers.  One person even said I used C-PTSD as a “poor me” card.  I told my father that I have this awful disorder twice, & twice he changed the subject.

All of these things have meant I have felt completely alone my entire life.  it’s a terrible feeling.

Once I started writing about my experiences though, I learned that I’m not alone.  There are many, many other victims of a narcissistic mother out there!  The funny part is we all grew up thinking it was just us, that no one understood or experienced the same things.

Many of these people also have C-PTSD as a result of the narcissistic abuse, & many of them feel alone as well due to people close to them not caring.

it is truly tragic how many people feel as if they are completely alone!  While I know I can’t change the world, I want to use my writing as a way to reach people, to let them know they aren’t alone. I pray this blog, my website & books do just that, because the truth is, you are not alone!  So many other people understand your pain & have been through similar experiences!

I also have 2 forums available.  Both are safe places where you can talk about anything you like, gain support, be prayed for or pray for others, learn valuable information & make new friends.

Below is a link to the first forum.  It requires registration to read or post.  If you’re worried about privacy, create a fake user name rather than using your real name. I only recently started this one, so it is a bit slow as it is just starting.  Feel free to start talking though- I will respond, & I believe if a few people start talking, others will join & there will be a snowball effect.

http://cynthiasforum.boards.net/

This link is a link to my fan group on facebook.  I gave up my fan page for two reasons: one person used it as a means to harass me & privacy for my fans.  This group is a closed group, which means that only other members can see what you posted in the group.  No one else.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/FansOfCynthiaBaileyRug/

I want to stress, both groups are private & safe. I hope to see you there soon!

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Changes

Happy Saturday, Dear Readers!

This has been a somewhat sad day for me.  I shut down my facebook page.  Kept my personal one, but shut down my writing one.  Due to someone harassing me for just over a year now & using that page to contact me, I felt it was best to shut it down.  This has made me a bit sad.  But, in a way, I’m thinking this may be a good thing in a way.  I have a group on facebook where my fans & I can interact.  We talk about all kinds of topics including animals, abuse & related issues, Christianity & naturally narcissism, & share some laughs.  It’s a nice little place, so if you’re on facebook, I’d love it if you’d come check it out.  If you aren’t on facebook or don’t care to join groups, then please check out my forum.  It’s very quiet as it is just starting, but I hope it will pick up the pace quickly.

Both the group & forum are going to be very safe places.  I will police them to be sure troublemakers are removed as soon as they join.  Both also offer some privacy- on facebook, the group is closed, which means although others can see you’re in the group, no one but members can see what you post.  And, the forum?  Only other members can see your posts. I strongly suggest creating a false name as your user name so others who do read your posts won’t know it is you posting if you want annonymity.

I hope to see you soon!  🙂

Here is the facebook group link.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/FansOfCynthiaBaileyRug/

And, the forum link.

http://cynthiasforum.boards.net/

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Animals, Caregiving, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Links, Mental Health, Narcissism, Writing

You Matter!

Good afternoon, Dear Readers!

The other night, I had a very strange dream.  I was with a small group of people.  I got my wallet out of my purse, & found a nice little amount of money in there I didn’t know I had- I think it was around $65.  I quickly stuffed it back in my wallet.  I then went to get something from my car’s glove compartment, & found an envelope with more money in it.  I think around the same amount but I’m not sure.  I quickly hid it back in the glove compartment, nervous the other people around me would know I had it, then woke up.  The dream was baffling, so naturally I prayed about it as well as looked up the symbolism of money on that dream interpretation site I like so much.  It said money represents self worth, values & self confidence.  Finding it symbolizes your quest for love or power.  This didn’t clarify anything for me.  lol

This morning as I was waking up, immediately God showed me what the dream meant.  I have been accepting the opinions of others that I don’t matter lately, & I need to stop allowing their false beliefs into my heart.  I need to guard my heart & my self-esteem as I hid the money in that dream.   As an example, as I’ve mentioned here, I told my parents my bad knees don’t like me going up & down their basement steps to do their laundry.  Either we need to move their washer & dryer upstairs (as my mother said she’s wanted to do for years) or get some help.  My father agreed with me.  My mother however?  Ignored every word I said.  This gave me the message what I want & feel isn’t important- I don’t matter.  Unfortunately I am so accustomed to this kind of thing happening I reacted automatically as I always have- by assuming I’m not important.  In fact, I was considering dropping the topic with her, & putting up with my own pain rather than pushing the issue.  Not now, though!  Thanks to God revealing what this dream meant, I realized what was happening & just how bad it’s gotten.  I usually try to take care of my skin, hair & nails often as these things make me feel pretty.  I haven’t been doing anything really good for me.  As a result, my skin & hair are dry & nails are short.  Not feeling so pretty right now!  I haven’t done well with self-care this week either, & it shows.  The C-PTSD is flaring up big time- my anxiety levels have been crazy high, depression terrible, my concentration is almost non-existent & sleep problems are even worse than usual.

Anyway, I think this is a common problem for adult children of narcissistic parents, feeling as if we don’t matter.  Everyone else is more important, because we were raised from day 1 to take care of the needs of the narcissist.  Your job is to make sure that your narcissistic mother is happy, that you are doing whatever you are told, that you don’t make any waves or else you may face a dreaded narcissistic rage.

Sound familiar??  I bet it does if you were raised by a narcissistic mother like I was.

So what to do about this?  It’s time to study what God has to say about His children.  Years ago, I did just this, then put what I found in one of my books.  I since put it in another couple of books & on my website.  Here is the link:

Affirmations

I strongly recommend you read over this page, & let what God says about you get deep into your heart.  This is all what He said, I only put these things together.  Let God’s word heal your heart.  There is truly healing power when He speaks, whether it is in the form of the written word (such as in the Bible) or if you are fortunate enough to hear His voice speaking to you.  God’s word always heals.

If you’re reading this & suffering with this same problem of feeling as if you don’t matter, I’m praying for you.  No one should feel this way!  You matter!  God loves you, & made you for a purpose.  ❤

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health

Yesterday’s Epiphany..

Yesterday, I thought was going to be an average Monday.  Chores, laundry, nothing exciting.  I needed the quiet & routine after Saturday’s panic attack & was sort of looking forward to it (well, other than chores & laundry..lol).  Instead, my phone rang about ten times before noon.  ACK!!!  Not that all the calls were bad by any stretch- it’s just I need my introvert/alone time.  I was feeling really overwhelmed, especially since a few calls were from my mother.
Then, my mother called back a bit after noon to let me know how my father’s doctor appointment went.  I was frustrated because I was trying to get a load of laundry folded, & her new phone service keeps fading out at random, so  I miss some of the conversation.  Then she said it- the thing that lit a fire in me.  She’s been seeing a chiropractor for back problems, & said, “You just can’t understand how hard it is seeing a chiropractor every day.”  *sigh*  Yes, in fact, I can, because I did this when I was 19-20 because of my mother slamming me into a wall & hurting my back.  I told her I could understand it.  She said, “Oh?  What did you ever see a chiropractor for?”  (I considered just banging my head into a wall at this point, but didn’t want to mess up my wall..lol).  I snapped “The back problems I had for 10 years!”  She said, “I didn’t mean to upset you by asking.  I’m sorry.”  I froze- instead of saying something about how could she forget since she is the reason my back was so messed up I had to quit working, I said “I’m just frazzled- I’m trying to do a lot of things at once.”  Shortly after, we got off the phone.
That’s when I began crying out of sheer frustration.  Why didn’t I say what I wanted to?  Why did I chicken out?  I called my husband in tears, & told him what happened.  His response helped me a lot.  He said, “Maybe this was God’s way of stopping you from getting into something you can’t handle right now.  You know you hate arguing with her & her pissing contests.”  I thought about it, & yea, this made sense.  Besides, I barely slept last night, which means I’m even less able to handle things than normal.  Also, in telling a friend about this, she said it may not be that I can’t handle it, it’s that I don’t need to handle it right now.  Another valid point.  I think what happened was God intervening & a combination of me not needing the drama or being able to handle it well right now.  So as a result, I stopped beating myself up.  
I think in cases like this, we need to stop beating ourselves up & try to look at things differently.  What I thought was a failure actually wasn’t so bad.  I should have prayed first, but for some reason, I didn’t, & God still was there for me in the form of my husband & friend.  He gave me the answers & comfort I needed.  🙂

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

Do You Pray For Your Leaders, Pastors, etc.?

Good morning, Dear Readers!

Do you pray for those in a position of authority, such as your boss, pastor, or even the president of the United States?  It is a very good idea to do so!  So many people believe that leaders have it all together, when the truth is, leaders are mere humans just like everyone else.  They need prayer as much as anyone, if not more so.

Along those lines, I would like to ask a favor of you today.  Would you pray for me?  Please pray that I have wisdom, discernment & hear God’s voice clearly.  I get emails often from people who have suffered some type of abuse, & are looking for answers.  Because of my website, many think I have a lot of answers & wisdom, & they look to me for help.  I appreciate that, however, I am very aware that these people are vulnerable.  I remember Joyce Meyer saying God once told her that however many people she can help, is the same as the number she can hurt.  I realize I am in that same position as she is.  I never want to hurt people, only help them.  So I come to you today, humbly asking you pray with me that I am able to do just that.  And, I know because of having C-PTSD, I also need to become better at taking care of myself, so these requests for help don’t overwhelm me- please pray with me in that area as well.  Thank you!!

When I first started writing, I thought then that God would enable me to write books that could help people, plus many fiction books for fun.  I’ve only written two fiction books to date, & am stumbling through a third.  It appears that at least at this point in my life, God wants me to help others who have survived being abused.  This is a very intimidating thing for me, but also enjoyable.  There is no feeling as good as knowing you have helped another.  It isn’t something I take lightly by any means, however.  

If you contact me for help or advice, then please know I will do my best to help you, & will be praying for you.  

With much love to you,

Cynthia.

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Filed under Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health, Welcome To My Blog!, Writing

Who Are You?

Yesterday, I had another flashback.  I remembered being in my late teens, & my mother screaming at me because (her words here), “You only care about the underdog!  You just want to help them!” as if this is a bad thing.  Usually when these flashbacks happen, I come out of it in or near tears.  Not this time though- I was absolutely LIVID.  How dare my own mother scream at me so much!  How dare she scream at me for being a good person!  & besides, she groomed me to take care of others & ignore myself- she was screaming at me for being how she made me to be!  HOW DARE SHE!

This anger set off an interesting train of thought.. time for me to make some changes!

If you too have been around a narcissist, whether raised by one or in a relationship with one, you know that they want you to be what THEY want you to be, not what you want to be or the person that God made you to be.  You carry this “I have to change to please you” mindset into other relationships, like it or not, & often without even realizing it.  I have done this.  Not only did I become the person I thought my mother wanted me to be as a child, as an adult, I tried to become the wife I thought my husband wanted me to be.  As a result, I lost myself somewhere along the way.  In fact, an old friend of mine once scolded me, saying I had become “Eric’s wife” instead of “Cynthia.”  Yes, he was right, much as I hate to admit that!  Since that friend opened my eyes about six years ago, I have been trying to get myself back, but with very little luck.  I had all but given up until yesterday. 

Oddly, the anger I felt after that flashback gave me quite a kick in the butt to get myself back. I got angry not only at my mother for screaming at me so much as a child, but for trying to destroy the person God made me to be.  I also got angry at others in my life who have tried so hard to change me into someone I’m not.  God made everyone the way we are for a reason!  Every single person has a purpose!  No one has the right to destroy your personhood, to destroy what God has made!  I decided it’s time to get that person I lost back, & started to think of ways to accomplish this.  I hope these ideas help you, too!

  • God will tell you who He made you to be- so ask Him.  Not only the things you are to accomplish in life, but also He will tell you about your personality.  Ask Him!  I have done this, & God gave me an interesting answer.  He told me to look up the personality traits of the wolf- they are like who He created me to be.  Do you know something?  I learned they are fascinating animals!  They are highly intelligent, gentle, devoted, loving, confident, non-violent personalities & will do much to avoid conflict, yet won’t back down when it is necessary.  That is what God sees when He sees me!  I believe He used wolves because He knows I love animals so much, including the husky/wolf dog I had who I was so close to.  God will speak to you in a way that speaks the clearest to you, too.  Why don’t you ask God to tell you who He made you to be?  
  • Realize, really have a firm grasp on the fact that you are valuable.  You are just as valuable as any other person.  In spite of what you have been taught, you have a purpose & value.  And treat yourself accordingly!  Do nice gestures for yourself, not just other people- it will help you see yourself as valuable.  I started last night by pampering myself some.  I make my own beauty products, but I don’t use them as often as I should.  I decided heck with that last night!  I exfoliated my skin, head to toe, then used a wonderful moisturizer I make after so my skin felt like silk. I also gave myself a manicure & pedicure.  I relaxed for the evening- watching tv, playing Tetris on my tablet, & talking to the hubby.  
  • Do things that make you feel good.  Do you have a hobby you enjoy yet have abandoned?  Get back at it!  Try drawing, painting, writing poetry, cross stitching, knitting or whatever you have done again.  If you never really had a hobby, find one.  Try something you have always wanted to try.  You can learn how to do about anything online!  Indulging in something other than things that are necessary (work, caring for your kids or elderly parents, etc) is very healthy- it helps you to relax & have a clear focus.  It also helps you to feel pampered & loved.  Everyone needs loving gestures, especially from themselves.
  • Get angry!  I know, as a Christian, that can feel very awkward, especially if you were raised with a narcissistic parent who didn’t allow you to express any negative emotions.  However anger does have a purpose- it motivates change.  And, remember, Jesus got angry, too.  Remember him overturning the tables of the money changers?  (Matthew 21:12-13).  While anger can be dangerous, & forgiveness is absolutely vital to having peace with God, our fellow man & ourselves, that doesn’t mean anger can’t be used as a tool sometimes.  Ephesians 4:26 says we can be angry, but do not sin in that anger.  Using that anger to motivate chance isn’t a sin- in fact, that is a good thing!  And I have learned when doing this that once you forgive, the motivation to change is still there.
  • Stop listening to other people when they try to change you, no matter who it is!  Admittedly, this is difficult if it’s something you have been doing your whole life, or if the person is someone close to you such as a spouse or parent.  But remember- if someone wants to change you, it says they have the problem, not you.  Normal, healthy people want what is best for other people, not to change them into someone they aren’t.  

And please always remember- just because someone didn’t appreciate the person you are doesn’t mean they are right.  You are special because God made you to be!  Deuteronomy 14:2 says, “For you are a holy people [set apart] to the Lord your God; and the Lord has chosen you to be a peculiar people to Himself, above all the nations on the earth.” (AMP)  God loves you & made you perfectly!  

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

If You Have A Mental Illness, Does That Mean You Aren’t A Christian?

Have you read this??

 http://www.alternet.org/belief/why-right-wing-evangelicals-claim-good-christians-cant-get-ptsd

If not, I’ll summarize this for you- a couple of evangelists say that you can pray away PTSD, & if you live life God’s way, you won’t get PTSD in the first place.  I’m sure this kind of thinking can induce a LOT of guilt & shame for many Christians who suffer with PTSD, C-PTSD or other mental illness.  I know I have certainly felt something was wrong with me for having C-PTSD.  I’m a Christian- why do I still suffer because of things done to me so long ago?  When I was born again, didn’t I become a new creature in Christ, according to 2 Corinthians 5:17?  Didn’t I have enough faith?  Does this mean I’m really NOT born again like I thought I was??

While I firmly believe that God can & does deliver some people supernaturally from mental illness, I think the majority of people have to walk things out.  A supernatural deliverance is great, but it doesn’t teach you much.  Living through your experiences, however, will teach you plenty!  If you battle depression, you may need to learn new ways to think, focusing on more positive things, & to cope when troubles come your way, such as leaning more on God than yourself to fix problems.  If you battle anxiety, you may need to learn to lean on God & go to Him more often.  These are things that can’t be learned through a deliverance.  Also, let’s not forget the apostle Paul. God didn’t remove his “thorn in the flesh” (2 Corinthians 12:7). Even that great man of God had something to deal with that he would rather not have had. Sometimes God would rather walk with us through a dark place than let us live in the sunny, happy places all of the time.

I also believe that having C-PTSD or PTSD doesn’t mean you aren’t a Christian.  I have been a Christian since 1996, & my C-PTSD didn’t develop fully until 2012.  It wasn’t because I was distant from God at that time.  It was because a lot of damage has been done to me in my life.  I have forgiven my abusers, but even that didn’t heal the damage.  I think of it like this- if someone drops a gallon of paint on your foot, you can forgive them the moment it happens.  But, you’ll  still have a broken foot to deal with, no matter what your religious views are.  That is what C-PTSD is like.  

There is absolutely nothing wrong  with asking God to heal you of your mental illness.  However, He may have plans to use it to bless others & even you, so you may not be delivered.  As much as I dislike living with the forgetfulness, nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety, depression & agoraphobia, sometimes I count C-PTSD as a blessing, because it has enabled me to help others who live with it, or who survived narcissistic abuse as I have.  There is no greater feeling than helping others!

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

December 22, 2013

Good morning, Dear Readers!

December is a rather challenging month for me.  I have lost 5 kitties during the month of December since 2001, & my kitty Jasmine had a stroke on Christmas day, 2009.   Naturally, they’ve been on my mind a lot lately.  Not only missing them, but thinking about the good times, & the things they taught me.  I’d like to share some valuable lessons they taught me before their passing. 

December 11, 2001- I lost Bubba to feline AIDS & emphysema.

Bubba was a very laid back, gentle soul.  We met when he was only about 4 weeks old.  From that moment we met, he purred loudly every time he saw me.  Needless to say, he had my heart immediately.. 🙂

During Bubba’s short 9 years of life, he taught me the value of being patient & understanding with others.  Even when he was sick during his last few months of life, he showed patience with me giving him his medicine (which he hated!), & with his best buddy, Squeaky, who still wanted to be by his side every moment.  He understood we loved him deeply, & wanted to do what we believed was in his best interest.  His sweetness was very inspiring to try to understand why people do what they do, even when it isn’t what I would like.  It helps me not to be angry or frustrated, but instead appreciate that they are trying.

December 13, 2003- I lost Bob to cancer.

Ahh, Bob.. named after Bob Dylan the singer, due to his odd meows.  He was truly a character- loved to play fetch with tiny jingle bells, would put his paw on your mouth if you blew on him, & was always a chatterbox.  Such a sweet, fun boy!

Bob taught me to fully enjoy comfort.  Granted, most cats love to be comfortable, but Bob seemed to take comfort to a new level.  Once comfy, you could NOT get that boy to move!  It made sense to me, so I’ve learned to appreciate comfort more.  A comfy pair of jammmies, my cozy, warm bed on a cold winter’s night, an afghan made from especially soft yarn- these little things are heaven to me!  They help me feel good & relax.

December 16, 2009- I lost Doofus to causes unknown.

Doofus was such a fun kitty.  A very big, loving, gentle, laid back tuxedo kitty.  He rolled with the punches, never getting upset.  He helped me to realize that in life, one thing never changes- change happens!  Might as well accept it & go with the flow.  I have trouble doing that sometimes, but I try to remember, if Doofus could handle going from the king of the cats in our old neighborhood to a content housecat once we moved into our house, I can handle less drastic changes.

December 21, 2010- I lost Vincent to causes unknown.

Vincent was a very special member of the Bailey family.  He was my Granddad’s best friend until he passed in 2003.  Vincent even shared his personality.  Strong, stubborn, loving, loyal, intelligent & dignified. 

I was blessed to have Vincent his last 2 years of life, & in that short time, he stole my heart.  He obviously missed Granddad, but in spite of it, he was happy living with me.  In the fall before he passed away, I took him outside one brisk day.  Since he had been an outdoor/indoor cat with Granddad, I tried to indulge him in outdoor time periodically.  (It was too dangerous to allow him to roam unsupervised around my yard, what with the wildlife & living on a major highway.)  This one day, Vincent taught me about how to appreciate the little things.  He stood perfectly still, allowing the cool autumn breeze to caress his face gently.  Once it died down, he grabbed my hand & covered it in kisses.  That moment inspired me to write my book, “Lessons From The Heart: What Animals Have Taught Me About Life & Love.”

December 22. 2006- I lost Delta to unknown causes.  

Delta was a very special little girl- she was born with only 3 legs.  Her left rear leg stopped just below the knee.  Upon adopting her, I noticed she did her best to hide that leg, always wrapping her long, fluffy tail around it when she sat, so as to cover up the “stump.”  It didn’t take her long to notice that no one in the house thought of her as different.  She was just one of the family.  She began to make her feelings known with said stump after a while- sitting & tapping it when irritated, or standing then tapping it when she wanted her favorite treat (whipped cream in a can).  She taught me that something others see as a handicap doesn’t need to be.  It can be used in a positive way.

Last but certainly not least, Jasmine’s story…

Christmas morning, 2009, my husband woke up before I did.  He found Jasmine unresponsive, but alive.  Being Christmas day, no  vets were open, so we had to wait until the following day to take her in.  The vet said further testing would reveal for sure, but he believed she had cancer or pancreatic issues.  He said she would live 1-2 days, tops, & it would be best “just to put her down.”  I don’t believe in euthanasia, however, if I knew that Jasmine would have wanted that, I would have done it for her.  However, the look she gave me when the vet said this was one of sheer terror.  She obviously did not want that, & besides, my gut feeling said don’t do it!.  I told the vet no, I’ll take her home.  The vet scolded me, telling me I was doing the wrong thing, putting her down was the only humane thing to do, etc.  I walked out on him.  I am so glad I did.  Jasmine started to improve once we got her home.  During her recovery, I was searching online trying to figure out what was going on, & met a vet tech.  She correctly diagnosed Jasmine as having had a stroke. Within about a week, Jasmine was walking again, although with a small swagger to her rear half.  Until her death 2 years later, Jasmine had a total of 4 strokes, & after each one (except the final one), she fought so hard to regain her faculties.  She barely allowed me to help her recover from her strokes, as she wanted to do it all herself!  She was a fighter with a never give up attitude.  Jasmine was a true inspiration!  She was strong & passionate, until her final breath in August, 2011.   

God uses animals to teach us humans, if we are only pay attention!  Job 12:7 says, “ But ask now the beasts, and they shall teach thee; and the fowls of the air, and they shall tell thee:”  I encourage you today to pay attention to the animals in your life.  You’ll be surprised with what you can learn! 

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Filed under Animals, Christian Topics and Prayers

November 24, 2013

I thought I’d take a little side trip today onto a light, happy topic.  A story of God’s blessings.

Yesterday was a special day.. it’s the day that eight years ago, I was able to buy my Granddad’s 1969 Plymouth Fury.  It may not sound like a big deal to you, but when you hear the story & realize I am a classic car fanatic, you’ll understand my excitement.

Granddad had the Fury when I was born in 1971.  In 1975, Dad’s car was stolen.  My mother’s sister & her husband gave him a car, but it was in bad shape, & didn’t last.  Dad told his mother the car was dying, & he didn’t know what he’d do.  She told him come on down (they lived about 75 miles away) & he could have “Pop’s” car, the ’69 Fury.  Granddad gave Dad the keys.  Dad drove that car until 1979, when the rear end & transmission were dying.  Rather than pour a lot of money into it, he sold the car to a junkyard & got another car.

In 2005, my dad was in the hospital.  Hubby & I were going to see him, but had some time to kill before visiting hours started.  We stopped at a local flea market.  I saw this gorgeous green 1969 Plymouth Fury in the parking lot, & ran to it.  It looked just like Granddad’s!  Eric suggested I leave a note, asking if the owner wanted to sell.  Two days later, he called, saying he did!  November 23, two months later & after much trouble with the mortgage refinance we were doing that tied up all of our money at the time, I got the car.  The gentleman who owned it said no way it could be Granddad’s car, but still liked my enthusiasm for her.  Probably why he sold me the car instead of another person who was interested.  

A few days later, Dad stopped by to see the car.  He was sure it was his car.  I figured that was impossible, but after he went home, he found his old maintenance manual.  In it was his Plymouth’s VIN number where he wrote it down in the 1970’s.  It matched mine.  It was the same car!

Pretty cool, eh?  I have a piece of Bailey history & every time I drive the car, I am in awe.  I named her “Christina” after Stephen King’s famous Fury, Christine.  She has her quirks, like the one day when the horn beeped at me when no one was in the car.  I can’t help but think that is Granddad’s way of saying “hi.” 

Christina is truly a gift from God.  Not only was she my favorite car that my Granddad owned, but I have a thing for big old cars.  She is so fun to drive!  Also, since God gave her to me, He protects her.  In the last 8 years she’s been mine, there have been many severe storms.  During one of them in 2010, our house & the next door neighbor’s chimney were struck by lightning while we were out.  We drove home to find the whole area in shambles- power lines down, trees down, leaves & limbs everywhere.  When we got home, we were horrified to see their chimney’s bricks all over our driveway!  Yet, not one hit my car!  A couple landed under the car, but the car was unscathed.  Also, the tree beside where Christina was parked?  It’d been struck too- it was split in half!  Yet the only thing on my car was a few leaves & tiny splinters of wood.  Another time, we lost a huge branch off of one of our trees- it landed in the 8″ of space between my car & the fence, not touching the car.  And, yet another time, another very large limb, about 4″ in diameter & 10′ long landed on my hood during an especially wicked late night storm.  I saw it happen, & was terrified at the damage, but since it was dark, & the rain wasn’t stopping, I couldn’t see until morning.  That was when I discovered absolutely no damage to my car- not so much as a scratch.  A friend of mine has said repeatedly that “God’s got my back with this car.”  She tells the truth, that’s for sure!

My car is very special to my family & I.  She’s truly a blessing from God, & I give Him all the credit for sending me this lovely gift.  I wrote the car’s story from her perspective as a free ebook.  It’s available on my website, along with other free ebooks.  Just go to the following link:

http://www.cynthiabaileyrug.com/Free%20Ebooks.htm

Here is Christina, not long after I bought her, after my dad spent the afternoon waxing her, like he had 30 years before.

Image

 

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Filed under Christian Topics and Prayers, Miscellaneous

November 21, 2013

Good morning, Dear Readers!

The other day, I was talking to someone about having C-PTSD.  She is a very nice Christian lady who I like a great deal.  Unfortunately, the conversation didn’t go very well.  She said some things that really bothered me that showed me she doesn’t understand trauma & its effects on the brain.  She said don’t I understand my mother has a sinful nature & doesn’t realize what she is doing?  Yes, I do understand that, but I disagree- many times I can assure you, she knows exactly what she is doing when she hurts me.  And she also said God can heal me- I just need to pray.  As if that thought never crossed my mind…

I’ve been thinking about this conversation, & while listening to Bishop T.D. Jakes preach this morning, something occurred to me.  The bishop was speaking about the apostle Paul, a great man of God.  He wrote most of the New Testament, in fact.  Brilliant & devoted to God.  Yet, he had what he described as “a thorn in the flesh” that God would not remove from his life.  Here are the verses from the Amplified Bible.

 2 Corinthians 12:7-9

7 And to keep me from being puffed up and too much elated by the exceeding greatness (preeminence) of these revelations, there was given me a thorn ([a]a splinter) in the flesh, a messenger of Satan, to rack and buffet and harass me, to keep me from being excessively exalted.

8 Three times I called upon the Lord and besought [Him] about this and begged that it might depart from me;

9 But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and [b]show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may [c]pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!”

 

I don’t know what Paul’s “thorn in the flesh” was, as it is never mentioned in detail.  However, I believe C-PTSD can be described the same way.  (Most times, it’s more like an entire sticker bush.. lol)  I have become aware that during times when I have flashbacks or anxiety or depression are threatening to overwhelm me, I can feel the gentle presence of God comforting me.  When I get frustrated with the fact my short term memory isn’t what it used to be, or I can’t sleep well, God always sends something to let me know all is ok.  Like today for example.  As I mentioned, I’ve been thinking a lot about the conversation I had with that lady a few days ago.  I started wondering if there is something wrong with me for having this disorder.  I mean, I haven’t been in a war zone like so many soldiers who have PTSD.  It’s so understandable that they have it!  Instead, I went through mostly psychological abuse.  Now as an adult, I know what I was told about myself isn’t true, & I understand  manipulation so I don’t fall for it.  So why do I have C-PTSD?  This morning, I got on facebook to find one C-PTSD page posting about how it’s immature Christians who think we can just pray & “get over it.”  Then later, I turn on the tv to watch Bishop Jakes preach & he discusses the apostle Paul, & how God used him greatly in spite of his “thorn in the flesh” that God wouldn’t remove.  God showed me through these things that I’m ok!  In fact, I know He uses me, C-PTSD & all.  People tell me often how something I have done, said or written has helped them.

I’m not saying don’t pray about your illness, or God doesn’t care.  He cares a great deal, & wants to help you.  Lean on Him.  He will help you!  But, you have to do your part too!  You have to work on your healing & manage your triggers & stressors.  He can’t do that for you.  You do your part, & trust God with the rest.  Hopefully, you will receive a complete healing.  But, if you don’t, God’s grace is sufficient for you.  He will help you to accomplish whatever you need to do.  

Don’t let people make you feel guilty or ashamed or even useless just because you have C-PTSD or any mental disorder.  You have done nothing wrong to have this problem!  God can still use you to be a productive member of society & a blessing to anyone.  If you have any doubts about it, remember the apostle Paul- remember, he was killing Christians when God called him to be an apostle!  He was a murderer, & he had that thorn in the flesh, yet God used to him to bring the Gospel to countless people, & to write the bulk of the New Testament!  If He could do that with Paul, what makes you think you are so messed up, He can’t use you??

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health

September 10, 2013

Good afternoon!  I have a very urgent prayer request for you today.. please pray in agreement with me that my friend’s cat, Magick, will come home soon, safe & sound.  He was stolen 1 week ago.  (Definitely stolen- he isn’t the running away type…he’s a homebody).  Also, please pray God will give her wisdom when dealing with insensitive & cruel people.  She has come across many in this past week who make snide comments like, “It’s just a cat.”  “Get over it.”  Maybe Magick is “just a cat” to them, but he is her heart.  He is a very special boy, who my friend lovingly named after my cat, Magic, who passed on in 2007.  Both are black shorthairs with very distinct personalities- highly intelligent, loving, devoted, caring & amazing fathers to the other animals in the house.  Although my Magic died & her Magick was stolen, I still feel her pain of losing such a special creature.  It leaves a huge hole in the heart only a Magic can fill!  I’m sure you fellow animal lovers will understand this completely.. 

Thank you for your prayers, Dear Readers!!  I’d love to share a picture of Magick, (I always like to have a face to put with names yanno?), but I didn’t ask my friend if she would mind if I shared his picture.  So, instead, here is a picture of my Magic with Georgie in 2002.  Both Magic & Magick look identical, so now you know what the kitty you’re praying for looks like..

 

Image

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September 3, 2013

Hello, Dear Readers! I just wanted to let you know that my latest book, “You Are Not Alone!” (for adult daughters of abusive/dysfunctional mothers) is now available in paperback on amazon!

http://www.amazon.com/You-Are-Alone-Cynthia-Bailey-Rug/dp/1304304841/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1378232378&sr=8-1&keywords=cynthia+bailey-rug

And, it is available on smashwords if you prefer an ebook version..

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/347669

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August 31, 2013

Happy Saturday!! Wishing everyone a great weekend!

I know it’s been a while since my last post- I apologize.  I’ve been having a rough time lately.  The C-PTSD has been bad, plus my kitty, Pretty Boy, has been having issues with the diabetes.  Hoping we have things more straightened out, & a slight change in his insulin dose will fix him right up.  Waiting on the vet for more info though.  

In case you haven’t seen it yet, come check out the new group I created here on facebook.. I look forward to seeing you there. 🙂

https://www.facebook.com/groups/FansOfCynthiaBaileyRug/

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May 19, 2013

The last week or so have been over the top negative & stressful to me.  As a result, I’ve had many panic attacks, haven’t slept much lately, had nightmares, etc etc.. 

Today, while my husband is out, I decided to relax & have some “me” time.  I sent prayer requests to a few Christian websites.  I then cranked up a folder of music on my mp3 player that I have titled “Songs That Make Me Happy.”  Yes, I listen to the same tunes over & over, but well, they make me happy!  I also took a nice, warm, relaxing shower followed by exfoliating my skin & applying a yummy lavender scented lotion.  The entire time, I prayed.  

No, it wasn’t an expensive or elaborate afternoon, but it made me feel better.  MUCH better.  

Partly why it made me feel better is the music.  I am not a fan of Christian or gospel music. I have nothing against it- just for some odd reason, it seldom “speaks” to me.  The cool part of that?  God still speaks to me through my taste in music.  Today, one of the songs I listened to was “That’s How They Do It In Dixie” by Hank Williams, Jr.  Listening to the song reminded me how I have lost myself & need to get back in touch with that Southern gal that lives inside me.  She is my true self- kinda rebellious, but a lady who while feminine will fight for what is right.  Another song was “455 Rocket”- about a gal with an Oldsmobile with a 455 cubic inch engine in it.  I happen to have one of those!  She raced hers, & I raced mine many times too (much to the dismay of the other guy!  lol).  It felt good remembering that.  I also am listening to several songs from the 80’s (when I was a teen) that remind me of when I was 19 in 1990 & had just moved out on my own for the first time.  It was the one time in my life I was actually able to be who I truly am- living my life on my own terms, not others’ terms.  

I’ve been “scolded” many times for not listening to more Christian music, but truth be told, I’m fine NOT listening to it.  God still speaks to me.  We’re still close.  Honestly.. if He was upset by this, I think He would have let me know it by now.  I just want those of you reading this now to know that God loves you & will relate to you however works.  He isn’t critical of that!  He invented all music (not just gospel & Christian songs), movies, books.. He will meet you where you are & loves you so much!

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April 17, 2013

I recently read something that disturbed me.  It was written by a Christian, & many other Christians claimed their support.  Some even attacked those who disagreed with the original post.

The post was on the topic of animals, saying something like “Humans are humans, but animals are dinner.”  Many fellow Christians were in support of this.  Another Christian lady said that animals should be treated with love and respect.  She was attacked for her beliefs.  “They’re just animals.”  “They’re here for us to eat!” & other similar comments were made.  

This absolutely broke my heart.

God loves animals.  He made them the same way He made human beings!  (See Genesis 2:7, 19).  Ecclesiastes 3:18-20 states that mankind “hath no preeminence over a beast.”  Luke 3:6 says that all flesh shall see the salvation of the Lord.

I do not understand how a Christian can see these Scriptures, yet fail to love & respect animals!!  I’m not saying we all need to be vegetarians- the Bible does not say that.  (For one believeth that he may eat all things: another, who is weak, eateth herbs. Let not him that eateth despise him that eateth not; and let not him which eateth not judge him that eateth: for God hath received him.”  Romans 14:2-3)  I am, however, saying that we should love & treat animals well.  Proverbs 12:10 says, “A righteous man regardeth the life of his beast, but the tender mercies of the wicked are cruel.”  

What are your views on animals after reading what the Bible has to say about them?

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Filed under Animals, Christian Topics and Prayers, Miscellaneous