Receiving God’s Comfort

God created people to need relationships not only with Him but with each other.  A part of that is the need for consolation & comfort during the tough times.

There were many times shortly after the death of my mother that I received God’s comfort.  It was such a horrific time, undoubtedly the hardest of my life.  I was overwhelmed with everything I had to do as well as processing her death & the fact she chose me to be her personal representative after her & my father saying otherwise years prior.  His comfort & strength enabled me to do the impossible at that time & come out on the other side even stronger than I went into the situation.  It gave me a new appreciation for His comfort.  It also showed me that people, even the most well meaning ones, can’t offer the kind of comfort that God can.

People can’t understand your pain exactly.  Even if they have experienced similar situations to yours, you are different people, which means you feel pain & process it differently.  God created you, so naturally He knows you better than any human can.  This also means He understands your pain better than anyone else.  He has experienced things that humans have such as rejection, betrayal, being taken for granted & more.  His comfort comes from the place of truly understanding how you feel, which is something no human being can manage.

God’s comfort is truly something special.  His comfort creates a deep intimacy with Him, a feeling of truly meshing with Him, because you know He truly understands.  He also gently gives words of encouragement in ways no human can, such as by calling your attention to song lyrics or a Scripture that you never thought of quite this way before.  There is also comfort in knowing that He is working in your situation on your behalf.  This deep intimacy with God comes from no means other than allowing Him to comfort you.  It is one good thing that comes from a pain that causes you to run to Him for comfort. 

Another good thing that comes from that is once you have received His comfort, you become more able to offer comfort to other hurting people.  Your empathy has increased & naturally you want to help others.  You also have experience in receiving God’s comfort & can help other people to do the same.  2 Corinthians 1:3-5 in the New International Bible says, “³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. ⁵ For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.”

If you haven’t asked God to comfort you before, why not try it now?  There are plenty of verses in the Bible that show He is willing to do it.  In the New International Translation, Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”  And, Matthew 5:4 says, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”  Clearly, God wants to comfort you.  Let Him!  You won’t be sorry!

How Best To Help Victims Of Narcissistic Abuse

Having experienced narcissistic abuse, I have learned that when you first tell people about it, they seldom know what to say.  Rather than admit that, they say some things that come across as invalidating or uncaring.  To help people avoid coming across the wrong way with victims, I thought I would share some things to say instead.  If you are a victim of narcissistic abuse & struggling to ask those close to you for what you need, feel free to share this post with them.

If you have no experience with narcissistic abuse, it’s understandable you can’t comprehend the bizarre things narcissists do.  Even when a person has experienced it first hand, the abuse is still hard for them to understand.  That being said, don’t assume the person you’re speaking with is exaggerating or even making up everything.  Most people aren’t creative enough to make up such things.  Even if you struggle to believe what this person is telling you, if you know the person is honest, then trust what they say!  Your validation will help!

Unless the person asks you for advice, don’t give it.  For many victims of narcissistic abuse, we need to talk about it.  A lot.  It doesn’t necessarily mean we are looking for advice.  Talking about it helps us to process what happened & come up with ways to cope. 

Don’t assume that the narcissist is just your average jerk or is just selfish.  Narcissists are so much more than that!  They have absolutely no empathy & enjoy inflicting pain on their victims.  Normal ways that a person deals with the average jerk don’t work with narcissists.

Don’t say things like, “You need to let this go.”  All victims of narcissistic abuse know that.  The problem is that it can cause PTSD or Complex PTSD, & once you have one of those disorders, there is no letting go no matter how much a person wants to do so.  The disorders make letting go of trauma impossible.  Managing the symptoms is the best a person with PTSD or C-PTSD can hope for.

Don’t push forgiveness.  Yes, forgiveness is a wonderful thing.  Yes, it’s in the Bible.  However, to really & truly forgive takes time when horrific & traumatic acts were committed against a person.  Shaming a person for continuing to feel anger towards their abuser does no good, & only adds to their problems. 

Don’t say things like, “It takes two to tango” or, “There are two sides to every story.”  By doing this, you’re telling the victim that they are equally responsible for the abuse as their abuser.  That is wrong, unfair & nothing but victim blaming!  While no one is perfect, no one can force another to abuse them.  All responsibility for abuse lies squarely on the shoulders of abusers.  Period!

Don’t trivialize the abusive & traumatic events.  One of my aunts referred to the abuse I endured from my parents as “childhood hurts”.  That may have been the most hurtful thing anyone ever told me.  Trivializing trauma stirs up hurt & anger like you won’t believe.  If you love this person, don’t do it!  Even if events they describe as traumatic sound pretty harmless to you, remember that everyone experiences things differently.  Just because that might not have been traumatic to you doesn’t mean it wasn’t traumatic to them.  Don’t judge their definition of trauma. 

Ask the victim what you can do to help.  Chances are, there really isn’t much but knowing that someone cares & is willing to help means so much! 

Offer to pray with & for the victim.  Prayer is so comforting & knowing that someone is willing to take the time to pray for them will comfort the victim greatly. 

Remind the victim how strong he or she is to have survived the abuse.  Victims often feel weak & the reminder of their true strength is incredibly encouraging!

Always be non-judgmental, supportive & kind.  These three traits can go a very long way with anyone who has endured narcissistic abuse.

What Comforts You?

The older I get, the more I value comfort.  The cozy feel of freshly washed bed linens, the warmth of raspberry or lemon herbal tea on a cold day, the look of a fresh manicure & pedicure are some things that come to my mind that bring me comfort.  I spend a lot of time in my bedroom because it’s very comfortable & cozy, which always feels good to me.

 

Indulging in comforting things is one way to care for yourself.  It makes you feel safe & secure- something most of us raised by narcissistic parents are very unfamiliar with feeling, & we need to become familiar with.

 

It also helps you to feel loved, when you are shown love.  Even when that act of love comes from yourself, it still feels good.

 

What makes you feel comforted?  Below are some possibilities if you need help coming up with ideas.

 

• gardening
• going for a walk in the woods
• doing something creative- draw, paint, crochet, make something with clay, etc.
• listening to music
• watching reruns of an old TV show or movie
• reading
• writing
• baking
• drinking herbal teas
• getting a manicure &/or pedicure

When You Lose Someone You Love

On the day I’m writing this post, it’s been 3 years since losing my precious kitty baby, Georgie.  Naturally, he’s been on my mind a lot today.  He was quite the character- feisty, liked to tease other kitties mercilessly, highly intelligent, loving, caring & protective of his brother, Pretty Boy, especially after Pretty Boy’s diagnosis of diabetes in 2011.

 

Georgie died suddenly on April 16, 2014.  I still have no clue why.. he obviously passed in his sleep, thankfully, so it was peaceful at least.  Yet, no warning anything was wrong made losing him especially hard.

 

Shortly after his passing, I was still in shock & grieving terribly.  As usual when grieving, I talked to God about how badly it hurt.  He told me to listen to a certain song & said, “Georgie wants you to know he thinks of you when he hears this song.  It’s your & Georgie’s song now.”  The song was Steelheart’s “Angel Eyes” from 1990.  A song I’ve always loved, but thanks to Georgie love even more since his passing.

 

I know, this sounds odd.. yet, this type of thing has happened after losing several of my kitties over the years.  When Bubba died in 2001, I was sure I was going to die too, when  Lynyrd Skynryd’s “Freebird” became our song.  Magic’s & my song is  Wynonna’s “You Were Loved.”  “When Jasmine passed, it was Aerosmith’s “Angel.”  Vincent’s & my song is “Someday We’ll Be Together.”

 

You get the idea.

 

Since so many of you who read my work are also avid animal lovers, I’m hoping this post offers you comfort.  I never knew this type of thing would help me survive losing my precious furkids, but God did.  Asking Him for comfort turned into receiving the only thing that could help me, aside from having my furbaby back.

If God did it for me, He can do it for you as well.

 

Dear Reader, if you’re missing a precious loved one, be they furry or human, I would like to urge you to cry out to God.  Ask Him for comfort.  He will not disappoint!  He may give you songs like He has me, or maybe not.  It depends on what comforts you most,  I believe.  In any case, trust that He wants to help you & then wait for the blessing to come your way.  It will greatly surpass your expectations, that I promise you!

 

This is Georgie (left) & his brother, Pretty Boy in around 2005.  My two handsome, wonderful brothers.  🙂  Georgie’s & my song lyrics are below the picture if you’d like to read them.

Angel Eyes, by Steelheart

“Angel eyes, you have angel eyes, such a smile that lights up my life
You’re a dream come true, now I’m holding you
And I’ll never, never let you go, I will never let you go!

First time I laid my eyes upon you, all my dreams were answered
First time I kissed your tender lips, my love to you I surrendered

I’ll never let you go, you’re always on my mind
You’re the only one for me, you’re all I need
And I’ll never, never let you go

Angel eyes, my heart relies on the love you give to me
You never let me down, you’re always by my side
And I’ll never, never let you go, I will never let you go!

When my heart starts to crumble and the tears start to fall
You hold me close with tender lovin’, and give me strength to carry on

I’ll never let you go, you’re always on my mind
You’re the only one for me, you’re all I need
And I’ll never, never let you go

I’ll never let you go, you’re always on my mind
You’re the only one for me, you’re all I need
And I’ll never, never let you go

And I’ll never, never let you go.”

For My Fellow Animal Lovers Who Have Lost Furbabies

Tomorrow is a day I can’t forget.  On January 21, 2007, I lost my sweet cat, Magic.  He died quietly in my arms after over three years of dealing with heart problems, which was twice as long as vets expected him to live.

 

Magic was very special.  Not only was he my first cat, but he was also my soul mate.  He was extremely in tune with me.  He defended me when people were cruel to me.  He comforted me when I was sad & snuggled me when I was happy.  He was extremely intuitive, intelligent, fun, caring & a wonderful surrogate daddy to the other cats & dogs.  It’s hardly a surprise that after his death, he was still special..

 

One day not long after losing Magic, I was listening to the soundtrack from the TV show, “Touched By An Angel.”  Wynonna’s song “You Were Loved” came on.  God spoke to my heart & said, “This is your & Magic’s song.  He wanted you to know that.”  Even now, I cry when I hear the song, remembering that precious moment.

 

That wasn’t even the first time something like this happened.  In December 2001, I experienced my first kitty death.  My sweet boy, Bubba died from FIV & emphysema at only age 9.  God gave me Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Freebird” two days later.  In 2002 after Sugar died suddenly & completely unexpectedly, God told me the same thing about Lonestar’s “Not A Day Goes By”  There have been other songs too.  In December 2010 when Vincent died, on my way back from burying him, the song “Someday We’ll Be Together” started going through my mind.    God told me that was Vincent’s & my song.  A similar thing happened the following year when Jasmine passed, except the song was Aerosmith’s “Angel” & in 2014 when Georgie passed with Steelheart’s “I’ll Never Let You Go.”

 

My point in sharing all of this with you, Dear Reader, is to reassure you.  Not only people go to Heaven or Hell.  Animals do as well!  Mark 16:15 says to preach the Gospel to all creation or to every creature in every single translation I’ve seen.  This tells me that animals also can accept Jesus as their savior.  This means they can go to Heaven & we will see them again one day!

 

I also firmly believe that death doesn’t mean that they no longer think of their humans once they are gone.  I have no doubt they think of us & miss us as we think of & miss them.  Otherwise, why would God have told me they wanted me to know that these songs are ours?

 

If you have lost lost a precious pet, please be reassured that your baby still loves you & thinks fondly of you.  And best of all, you’ll see him or her again one day.  I know it hurts more than you can describe when you lose a furbaby, but knowing you’ll see them again one day is very comforting.

 

The songs I’ve gotten are also quite comforting.  Granted, not every single furbaby & I have a song, & I don’t know why that is, but the ones I do share a song with?  That song comforts me & helped me to get through the initial, devastating pain of losing them.  If you haven’t experienced this, it may be a good idea to ask God about it.  He certainly won’t object to it!  And, who knows?  Maybe you were too caught up in your grief to notice God gently trying to tell you about a song.  It’s certainly possible to be grieving so hard, you don’t listen to God.  I’ve done that myself.

 

If you have experienced the pain of losing a furbaby, please know I understand.  It’s devastating!

My Favorite Story Of God’s Tremendous Love

God keeps encouraging me to be open, which is a real challenge for me.  I’m so introverted it’s tough to talk about private things. But, I’m trying..

One very private thing I felt like I should share has nothing to do with the usual topic of narcissism, but we all need a break from that negative topic anyway.  I wanted to share a story with you that shows how gentle & loving God is during our times of greatest need.

When I was growing up, my narcissistic mother did her best to keep me distant from my father’s family.  I wasn’t allowed to play much with my cousins or spend the summer with my grandparents.  When my parents & I visited family, I had to stay at my mother’s side most of the time.  As a result, I was never very close to my paternal grandparents, although I loved them dearly.  Then at age 17, when the abuse was at its peak, my mother told me how they were deeply ashamed of me for how terribly I was acting.  I knew better, or so I thought, but even so, when my ex husband later agreed with my mother, I thought I was wrong.  After all, he hated my mother as much as she hated him- if he is agreeing with her, she must be right.  As a result, in my early 20’s, I drifted out of their lives.

Several years later in 2000, I wrote a letter to my granddad.  (Grandmom had passed in 1996).  Shortly after, I went to visit him at his home.  I was nervous, but that faded immediately.  As soon as he opened the door & gave me one of his bear hugs, I knew all was fine.  We ended up being very close by the time he died on May 31, 2003.  He was not just my grandfather- he was my friend, confidant & cheerleader.

His death hit me very hard.  I could barely function for the first month after.  I asked hubby to drive me to Bristow, VA to his grave about one month after his death.  I hoped maybe it’d help. Besides, the drive was beautiful- Bristow is a peaceful, country town.  The cemetery there is among the prettiest places I’ve ever seen.

Off to Bristow we went.  For the first time, I saw his headstone, & it tore me up.  It made his death final.

Hubby left me alone for a while, & sat in the car. I prayed, telling God how painful this was & how much I missed Granddad.  Suddenly the most bizarre thing happened.  I heard my granddad’s voice speaking to me as if he was standing beside me.  He said, “I’m always with you- in your heart.  I love you.  Whenever you see a butterfly, I want you to remember that.”  at  this point, I looked up & there were 2 pale yellow butterflies fluttering together about 5′ from me.  “You tell Eric to take good care of you.  I love you.”

This incident shook me up at first.  I wondered was I crazy?  But no, I wasn’t crazy.  Hearing his voice one last time helped me to start healing.

Some people have told me I only heard what I wanted to hear, or God doesn’t do things like that, but I disagree.  God knew what I needed when I didn’t, & provided that.  Plus, since then, a few times when I’ve seen butterflies, God has spoken to my heart & said things like “Your granddad is thinking of you & wants you to know he loves you.”

Since that day at the cemetery, I’ve seen butterflies.  Lots of them!  I even saw one during the winter once, in my car.  I was particularly stressed at the time since hubby was sick, & on my way home from the hospital, a little moth appeared in my car!  There was no earthly reason for that, as butterflies & moths only survive in the warm weather.  When I work on my car (which was once Granddad’s car), butterflies often appear. If I’m upset, I can guarantee I’ll see butterflies in the oddest places.  Once in a store, I saw butterflies on t-shirts, dishes, stuffed animals, dishes & books.  That was the day that God told me Granddad had been thinking of me.

If you’re in a painful place, please know  God still loves you.  He will comfort you if you allow Him to.  It may be in a completely unexpected way like what happened to me, but it will be just what you need.  And, if you’ve lost someone you love, don’t doubt their love for you has vanished or even changed just because they’ve passed away.  They still love you & think of you often.  Nothing, not even death, will change that.  Take comfort in that.  It truly helps.

As for me, I’ll continue to smile every time I see butterflies, because I know it means my favorite person is sending me his love.. 🙂

Going Outside Your Comfort Zone Is Good For You

As is common with adult children of narcissists, I have a lot of anxiety. It got worse once the C-PTSD developed fully in 2012.  This anxiety has caused my comfort zone to shrink into a little tiny place. So many things can make me uncomfortable if not downright terrified.  One of my biggest problems has been routine.  I need a strict routine & if something interrupts that routine, I panic.

At the end of February,I suddenly became very sick with carbon monoxide poisoning.  During the worst of it, I passed out & hit my head pretty badly.  While recovering, it’s caused me to think a lot about things.  Mostly the fact that life can change in a flash, & we should enjoy whatever time we have on this earth.  It caused me to rethink some things.  I also felt God was dealing with me about stepping out of my comfort zone.  Granted, He had been dealing with me for a while about it, but I had somewhat ignored that (not proud of this, mind you!).  When laid up with a concussion & recovering from what could have been a life ending illness, there’s really no excuse to ignore God anymore.  Not like I’ve been too busy to talk with Him!

He showed me that during last December when my father was in the hospital, I was constantly outside of my comfort zone.  I had to leave home constantly, deal with complete strangers (doctors, nurses, etc) & spend a lot of time with my narcissistic mother.  In a period of two weeks, I was so stressed, I lost eight pounds & my hair suddenly became brittle & fragile.  However, good came from this awful time. While I still have agoraphobia, it’s improved quite a bit.  I have gone from absolutely terrified of leaving home to able to do it much easier.  Spending a full day alone at the hospital waiting on my father to have surgery helped me in that area.  It was hard, but I got through it, & it wasn’t as hard as I’d thought it’d be.

That particular situation forced me well outside of my comfort zone.  I wanted no parts of it, but it turned into a good thing anyway.  So, I started doing so on a smaller, voluntary scale.  I have a schedule for cleaning my home.  I’ve changed the schedule recently (which I was quite nervous about doing since I’ve had this schedule for 20+ years) so there is more flexibility in it, & it’s been a good thing.  By having a more flexible schedule, I’ve been able to spend time with friends, write or just relax when normally I’d be too busy to do so.  And, this flexibility has helped reduce my anxiety levels.  If something comes up on a day I need to do housework, it no longer completely flusters me.

I know stepping outside of a comfort zone has the potential to make you extremely anxious, but it really can be worth it!  Start by doing small things outside of your comfort zone as you feel able to do them, & work up from there.  If you truly are afraid, don’t discount what you wanted to do- merely postpone it for a day where you feel stronger.  Those days happen sometimes, & it’s ok!  But, if you feel able, push yourself, & ask God to help & strengthen you.  You will be rewarded when you find yourself comfortable doing something that once terrified you!

Prayer, Please..

Good afternoon, Dear Readers.

I would like to take a moment & ask for your prayers today. Not many of you know this, but this past January, I learned an ex-boyfriend of mine shot & killed his boyfriend, then himself. I would like to ask you to pray for everyone affected by this tragedy. No doubt his family are still trying to come to terms with what happened. And, I can only imagine the anger & shock his boyfriend’s family must still be feeling.

This has come to mind because it was this day in 1990 that I met my ex. I wonder what happened in his life since I last saw him that brought him to such a dark place. He had been arrested a week before his death, & the mug shot that was online & in the local papers showed someone who has been through a very hard life. Someone who looked at least 20 years older than he really was, & I didn’t even recognize.

So anyway prayers for those affected by this senseless tragedy that has affected these 2 families would be greatly appreciated. Thank you very much!!

Comfort Yourself

Have you ever heard of a comfort box or bag? I only heard of them recently. A comfort box is a decorative box containing items that bring you some comfort. You bring out the comfort box during difficult time, enjoying its contents.

I think this is a wonderful idea, & am in the process of creating my own comfort bag. So far, I am including a soft pretty pink afghan I knitted, a little stuffed blue rabbit I had in my first car, a Bible, & tissues. I’m thinking of also including a lavender scented candle or incense with a lighter, some mints, chocolates or tea bags, some valerian root pills that I take for anxiety, & my tablet computer which contains some of my favorite music, ebooks, movies, family movies & pictures of my family (furry members & humans both). Each item has the ability to give me comfort in some way or makes me smile. I think this will prove very helpful to me during hard times, such as when I’m depressed, anxious or when the C-PTSD is flaring up.

Have you considered creating your own comfort bag?? If not, I encourage you to do so. If you are unsure what to put in it, think of things that exercise your senses in how they bring you comfort. Some examples are:

– Touch: a soft sweater, blanket, afghan or even a pair of socks
– Sight: pictures of those you love, movies you enjoy. – Sound: cd’s or an mp3 player of soft, relaxing music. (I love Native American Indian & some Celtic music as well as nature sounds)
– Scent: a bottle of perfume you like, incense, a scented candle. (Don’t forget a lighter or book of matches if you use incense or scented candles!)
– Taste: tea bags, chocolates, mints, hard candy.
– Scent: a bottle of perfume you like, incense, a scented candle. (Don’t forget a lighter or book of matches if you use incense or scented candles!)

Also, don’t forget a Bible, some tissues, pens, & paper in case you want to write about your feelings.

Yesterday’s Epiphany..

Yesterday, I thought was going to be an average Monday.  Chores, laundry, nothing exciting.  I needed the quiet & routine after Saturday’s panic attack & was sort of looking forward to it (well, other than chores & laundry..lol).  Instead, my phone rang about ten times before noon.  ACK!!!  Not that all the calls were bad by any stretch- it’s just I need my introvert/alone time.  I was feeling really overwhelmed, especially since a few calls were from my mother.
Then, my mother called back a bit after noon to let me know how my father’s doctor appointment went.  I was frustrated because I was trying to get a load of laundry folded, & her new phone service keeps fading out at random, so  I miss some of the conversation.  Then she said it- the thing that lit a fire in me.  She’s been seeing a chiropractor for back problems, & said, “You just can’t understand how hard it is seeing a chiropractor every day.”  *sigh*  Yes, in fact, I can, because I did this when I was 19-20 because of my mother slamming me into a wall & hurting my back.  I told her I could understand it.  She said, “Oh?  What did you ever see a chiropractor for?”  (I considered just banging my head into a wall at this point, but didn’t want to mess up my wall..lol).  I snapped “The back problems I had for 10 years!”  She said, “I didn’t mean to upset you by asking.  I’m sorry.”  I froze- instead of saying something about how could she forget since she is the reason my back was so messed up I had to quit working, I said “I’m just frazzled- I’m trying to do a lot of things at once.”  Shortly after, we got off the phone.
That’s when I began crying out of sheer frustration.  Why didn’t I say what I wanted to?  Why did I chicken out?  I called my husband in tears, & told him what happened.  His response helped me a lot.  He said, “Maybe this was God’s way of stopping you from getting into something you can’t handle right now.  You know you hate arguing with her & her pissing contests.”  I thought about it, & yea, this made sense.  Besides, I barely slept last night, which means I’m even less able to handle things than normal.  Also, in telling a friend about this, she said it may not be that I can’t handle it, it’s that I don’t need to handle it right now.  Another valid point.  I think what happened was God intervening & a combination of me not needing the drama or being able to handle it well right now.  So as a result, I stopped beating myself up.  
I think in cases like this, we need to stop beating ourselves up & try to look at things differently.  What I thought was a failure actually wasn’t so bad.  I should have prayed first, but for some reason, I didn’t, & God still was there for me in the form of my husband & friend.  He gave me the answers & comfort I needed.  🙂