Everyone with any experience with narcissists knows one of their favorite pastimes is insulting people. If they dislike a person’s new hair style, car, home, career, personality or anything about someone, that someone will know all about it!
That being said though, not all narcissists directly say what they are thinking. They often phrase their insults in such a way as to seem innocuous. For example, my ex husband never said I was fat, but I had no doubt he thought I was disgustingly obese even when I was too thin. I always had my own issues about my weight, so if I said anything about being overweight, he quickly agreed with me. He would give me tips on losing weight, even though he never had been on a diet in his life. If I said anything about him thinking I was fat, he would say that he never said that. Which was true – he never said the word “fat.” That doesn’t mean he wasn’t insulting me, however.
This is typical narcissistic behavior. Not only do they love to insult their victims, but to do so in a way as to create plausible deniability. This means if the victim confronts the narcissist about the insult, the narcissist can deny being insulting, just as my ex did with me. This makes the victim doubt their perceptions, which is gaslighting behavior. It also makes the victim tolerate more humiliation, because they believe that the narcissist didn’t mean what they said to be hurtful.
Sneaky insults come in various forms. One form is moving the goal line. The narcissist wants something from their victim, & the victim does it. Rather than being pleased, the narcissist immediately wants something else without even saying “Thank you,” or says that the thing that was done wasn’t what they really wanted. They wanted something more difficult.
Another sneaky insult is bringing the attention back to them when the victim has done something well. Let’s say the victim just got a promotion at work. Rather than simply congratulate the victim, a narcissist could say something like, “I did that job for a while a few years ago. It was boring though so I found another job.”
Being unimpressed is another way narcissists sneakily insult their victims. If a victim just published their first book, for example, a narcissist might respond with, “Oh. Well I guess that’s a big deal if you care about that sort of thing. Good for you.”
Minimizing another’s accomplishments is another sneaky insult tactic narcissists often use. Years ago, I did some editing work for a local author before I became an author myself. I enjoyed the work & the lady was a pleasure to work with. I mentioned the job to my mother, naively thinking she would be happy for me. She barely said anything when I told her about the job. However, a few days later, she mentioned she was thinking of getting into editing books. She said, “It’s such easy money! Obviously anyone can do it!”
Another sneaky insult tactic is finding the down side no matter how good something is. If the victim experiences or accomplishes something good, a narcissist will find something negative about it. Getting married? A narcissist will tell the victim that now they’ll have no freedom. Having a baby? A narcissist will regale the victim with pregnancy & birth horror stories. Graduating college? A narcissist will remind the victim of the thousands & thousands of dollars in college loans the victim owes.
When these things happen, remind yourself of what is happening. This is simply a narcissist being a narcissist. If they deny being insulting, make no mistake, they were being insulting! And, even though it feels personal, it truly isn’t. It’s their dysfunction coming out. It doesn’t mean they believe what they say. Probably they don’t, in fact. They’re only saying such things as an attempt to hurt & gaslight you.
Being Over Sensitive To Criticism
I’ve noticed recently that I am way more sensitive to criticism than I used to be. It’s not that I care what people think, but I care that people feel they must share their negative opinions with me when I didn’t ask for their opinions.
When I first realized this, I chalked it up to getting older & crankier. In time though, I realized it’s not only those things. I firmly believe it is because of having experienced narcissistic abuse.
Narcissists are most likely the most judgmental & critical of all people. They must share any & all opinions of their victims they have at all times. They favor negative ones in particular as a way to chip away at their victims’ self esteem since low self esteem makes a person easy to control & abuse.
If by some chance narcissists think something positive about their victims, they won’t offer any praise. They prefer to do much crueler things. The best option is they simply withhold praise, but that seldom happens. Instead, they prefer to claim responsibility for that good thing such as by claiming if they hadn’t pushed the victim, he or she never would have gotten that promotion at work. Narcissistic parents also claim that their victim/child got whatever talent they have from that parent. This means that when their child gets praise for something, the parent often says something along the lines of, “She got that talent from me.”
Another common scenario with narcissists is to twist the good thing in their victim around so it looks bad, thus ruining that good thing. For example, many years back, before I decided to focus only on writing, I did some editing work. I was blessed to work with one amazing client & mentioned the work to my mother. That was a huge mistake, but at that time, I didn’t know anything about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I mentioned my client & the work I was enjoying doing for her because I naively thought my mother would be happy for me. She always fancied herself a skilled writer, & she was, but she never worked in the field. I thought she might be happy that I was working in the field & enjoying myself. Well, not only did she not share my joy, but a few days later she ruined mine. She did this by saying she was thinking of getting into editing work because (& this is her wording), “it’s such easy money. Obviously anyone can do it.”
Narcissists also beat their victims down with criticism. When my husband & I got together, his mother repeatedly told me how much she hated my car. For years, I heard constant hateful comments. Many times I wanted to tell her, “I know. You hate my car. You think it’s the worst car in the whole world. There’s no need to keep telling me. I figured out how you feel after the first 50,000 times you mentioned it!”
After going through these things for years at the hands of narcissists, I really think that no matter how much we may have healed, criticism is still a very tough thing for us to handle, even when we don’t care about someone else’s opinions. We are burned out on criticism, negativity & cruelty. We also had it drilled into us how awful we are or something about us is. After years of this, we get to the point where criticism, unless it’s clearly well meaning & meant to help, is incredibly irritating. So many times I have wanted to tell someone, “Your opinion wasn’t asked for & truly means nothing. Why must you share it? And, why do you think it’s ok to be such a disrespectful jerk?”
If this describes you, I so relate! It’s frustrating! I have learned the best way to handle criticism that is unasked for & unfair is to stop for a moment. Inhale deeply then exhale to calm your mind & body. Remind yourself that you are having a reaction to the narcissistic abuse, nothing more. Also remind yourself that not all people have good social skills. Some are very critical simply because they haven’t learned any better. That doesn’t mean they are narcissists or are out to hurt you. They are simply oblivious. And, remember that just because someone is criticizing you doesn’t mean what they said is true. Consider what they have to say, & if it’s wrong, disregard it. If they are right, although it was a painful way to learn, you still learned something. That is a good thing.
If you know the person who is critical, then you know if you can talk openly to them or not. If you can, gently let them know how you feel. They may have simply not realized how what they said sounded. Or they may be struggling with something & took their frustrations out on you.
And as always, remember to pray. Ask God for wisdom & help in your situation, & He will provide you whatever you need!
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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism
Tagged as abuse, comments, critical, criticism, criticize, disorder, emotional, judgemental, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic, negative, negativity, personality, verbal