As the adult child of a narcissist, I can’t count how many times I have felt overly responsible for other people in so many ways. One of those ways was how people feel about me.
If I met someone who didn’t like me, I felt it was my responsibility to change so they could like me. If someone felt envious of something about me, I had to downplay that thing they viewed that way. If they felt I was a snob, I had to prove to them that isn’t the case, & I am just quiet. If they thought something was wrong with me because I love my cats & old cars, that too had to be trivialized around them to make them feel better about me. And honestly, it got old.
As I healed more & learned more about people, not only narcissists, I realized something. How someone feels about me isn’t my responsibility.
People are often quick to judge others they have just met. I do it myself. Upon first meeting someone new, I pick up on someone’s energy & the subtle cues they display quickly & that determines if I am willing to speak to them more or not. Unfortunately mistakes can be made with snap judgments. As I mentioned earlier, people have thought I’m a snob because I’m quiet. My one sister in-law told my husband this many years ago, & she was far from the first one to make such a foolish assumption about me. And interestingly, she also wasn’t the only one who behaved in the manner in which she accused me of behaving.
When people make judgments about other people, often they can do as my sister in-law did, & project their flaws onto another person. Narcissists haven’t cornered the market on projection, although they definitely do it more often than the general public. The average person will do it too sometimes, & their projection makes them feel negatively about the victim of their projection.
Insecurity is also a reason people may feel negatively towards a person. Their insecurity makes them feel threatened or badly about themselves. If you are someone in a minimum wage job who dropped out of high school, for example, imagine how you would feel around a biochemist. Clearly they make a lot more money than you & have a much more advanced education. You easily could feel inferior. Most people would be uncomfortable in this situation but wouldn’t act out on their feelings. Some insecure people however, wouldn’t hesitate to let the biochemist know they dislike him or her, are unimpressed with their intelligence, etc.
Along the lines of insecurity is envy. Envy can make a person feel badly about themselves, & wish to make the person who made them envious feel just as badly. Women in particular are known for doing this. Some women see another woman that they believe is much prettier than them, & they will talk negatively about her behind her back. Their envy makes them behave badly.
No matter what someone’s reasoning for their negative perceptions of you, their perceptions are just that – theirs! They chose to see you a certain way & not learn the truth. A person who is unwilling to learn the truth about another clearly has issues, & those issues have nothing to do with you. So the next time you find out someone thinks badly about you, just remember that you are NOT responsible for how other people feel about you.
Being Over Sensitive To Criticism
I’ve noticed recently that I am way more sensitive to criticism than I used to be. It’s not that I care what people think, but I care that people feel they must share their negative opinions with me when I didn’t ask for their opinions.
When I first realized this, I chalked it up to getting older & crankier. In time though, I realized it’s not only those things. I firmly believe it is because of having experienced narcissistic abuse.
Narcissists are most likely the most judgmental & critical of all people. They must share any & all opinions of their victims they have at all times. They favor negative ones in particular as a way to chip away at their victims’ self esteem since low self esteem makes a person easy to control & abuse.
If by some chance narcissists think something positive about their victims, they won’t offer any praise. They prefer to do much crueler things. The best option is they simply withhold praise, but that seldom happens. Instead, they prefer to claim responsibility for that good thing such as by claiming if they hadn’t pushed the victim, he or she never would have gotten that promotion at work. Narcissistic parents also claim that their victim/child got whatever talent they have from that parent. This means that when their child gets praise for something, the parent often says something along the lines of, “She got that talent from me.”
Another common scenario with narcissists is to twist the good thing in their victim around so it looks bad, thus ruining that good thing. For example, many years back, before I decided to focus only on writing, I did some editing work. I was blessed to work with one amazing client & mentioned the work to my mother. That was a huge mistake, but at that time, I didn’t know anything about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I mentioned my client & the work I was enjoying doing for her because I naively thought my mother would be happy for me. She always fancied herself a skilled writer, & she was, but she never worked in the field. I thought she might be happy that I was working in the field & enjoying myself. Well, not only did she not share my joy, but a few days later she ruined mine. She did this by saying she was thinking of getting into editing work because (& this is her wording), “it’s such easy money. Obviously anyone can do it.”
Narcissists also beat their victims down with criticism. When my husband & I got together, his mother repeatedly told me how much she hated my car. For years, I heard constant hateful comments. Many times I wanted to tell her, “I know. You hate my car. You think it’s the worst car in the whole world. There’s no need to keep telling me. I figured out how you feel after the first 50,000 times you mentioned it!”
After going through these things for years at the hands of narcissists, I really think that no matter how much we may have healed, criticism is still a very tough thing for us to handle, even when we don’t care about someone else’s opinions. We are burned out on criticism, negativity & cruelty. We also had it drilled into us how awful we are or something about us is. After years of this, we get to the point where criticism, unless it’s clearly well meaning & meant to help, is incredibly irritating. So many times I have wanted to tell someone, “Your opinion wasn’t asked for & truly means nothing. Why must you share it? And, why do you think it’s ok to be such a disrespectful jerk?”
If this describes you, I so relate! It’s frustrating! I have learned the best way to handle criticism that is unasked for & unfair is to stop for a moment. Inhale deeply then exhale to calm your mind & body. Remind yourself that you are having a reaction to the narcissistic abuse, nothing more. Also remind yourself that not all people have good social skills. Some are very critical simply because they haven’t learned any better. That doesn’t mean they are narcissists or are out to hurt you. They are simply oblivious. And, remember that just because someone is criticizing you doesn’t mean what they said is true. Consider what they have to say, & if it’s wrong, disregard it. If they are right, although it was a painful way to learn, you still learned something. That is a good thing.
If you know the person who is critical, then you know if you can talk openly to them or not. If you can, gently let them know how you feel. They may have simply not realized how what they said sounded. Or they may be struggling with something & took their frustrations out on you.
And as always, remember to pray. Ask God for wisdom & help in your situation, & He will provide you whatever you need!
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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism
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