Why Complements Are So Hard For Victims Of Narcissistic Abuse

When you grow up with a narcissistic parent, you can’t help but to have a root of shame.  This is because shame is a very powerful weapon to help a person control another, & narcissists are incredibly talented at using it to their best advantage.

One of the many problems that shame causes is the lack of ability to accept a complement in a normal, healthy way.  I admit to struggling with this to this day, although much less than I have in years prior.  In my younger years both as a child & younger adult, if someone paid me a complement, I would tell them why what they said was wrong.  Anyone could have done that thing I did, so it’s nothing special & I’m not smart.  Or, I’m not pretty because I’m fat & ugly.  You get the picture.  I’m guessing that if you’re reading this, you have behaved in much the same way.

While this may not appear be the biggest problem shame causes or even a huge interruption in life, it can be an incredibly annoying problem.  It also can compound the shame that is already there.  When you don’t know how to do something so simple as accepting a complement, it makes you feel stupid.  Most of us have been told by the narcissists in our lives how stupid we are, so feeling stupid validates their cruel criticism & adds to the shame they have made us feel.

So why do people do this?  Is it really that hard simply to say “Thank you” & go on with your day?  Honestly?  Yes.  Yes it is that hard for some people.  The reason is that complements go against our sense of self that we learned from the abusive people in our lives.  Parents in particular have a great deal of power over their children’s sense of self because they are there during their children’s formative years.  Anyway when a complement goes against that sense of self, & it triggers shame.  It goes against that sense of self, & causes a person to feel as if they have tricked someone into believing they are much better than they really are.

This is a very difficult habit to overcome, especially after a lifetime of functioning this way.  It is possible though.

As always, pray.  Ask God to tell you the truth about yourself & listen to what He has to say.  Let Him help build up your self esteem & to help you to see that the narcissist in your life lied to you.

Remember too, when people say something genuinely complementary, they aren’t doing so from a place of selfishness.  They are saying something they truly believe, something that comes from their heart.  You can trust what they say.

Consider what the person has said too.  Why do you think what they said is wrong?  Is that something you honestly believe yourself or is it because you were told to believe it by the narcissist in your life?  If it’s because of the narcissist, ask yourself why you would continue to believe something told to you by this person.  Narcissists lie & try to destroy their victims.  They don’t do constructive criticism, so what they said was clearly NOT meant to help you!

If you’re still struggling, ask God to tell you the truth about this complement.  Is it really true or are you whatever bad thing you’re thinking you are, then listen for His answer.  You are going to be very pleasantly surprised by what He has to say to you.

I know it can be hard, but please try to remember simply to say “Thank you” the next time someone complements you.  Countering their complement makes them feel uncomfortable & adds to your shame, so why do it?  Instead, simply thank the person who was kind enough to complement you.  The more you do that, the easier it gets to do.  And, the more you argue in favor of the complement & against the criticisms of the narcissist, the more accurately you will see yourself.  You might even start to like what you see!

Dealing With Critical People

Most people have little patience for the obviously foolish people, such as those people who repeatedly make poor decisions & are shocked when those poor decisions don’t turn out well for them.  The older we get & the emotionally healthier we get, it seems that tolerance gets lower & lower.  It certainly has for me.  It doesn’t take much for me to become very irritated at the obviously foolish.  One particular feature of foolishness especially irritates me though: people who are only interested in sharing their opinions while not wanting to listen to those of other people. 

The Bible even addresses this behavior specifically.  Proverbs 18:2 in the Amplified Bible says,  “A [closed-minded] fool does not delight in understanding, But only in revealing his personal opinions [unwittingly displaying his self-indulgence and his stupidity].” 

This behavior is so common in society isn’t it?  It’s all over social media but also people behave this way in person.  If you have any doubts, mention your thoughts on politics.  I don’t care what your thoughts are, there will be people who tell you that not only are you wrong, but you’re foolish for thinking as you do.  If you site evidence that supports your thoughts, then your evidence will be criticized as well as where you obtained said evidence.

One very bad thing about this behavior is it can be excessively triggering for those of us who have survived narcissistic abuse.  Whether you grew up with a narcissistic parent or two, were once married to a narcissist or have had narcissistic friends, you know first hand just how critical narcissists are.  They love to pick apart every single little thing about their victims because it makes them so easy to control & manipulate.  This is clearly very traumatic for victims.  So traumatic that even years after the last episode of abuse, when someone is critical, even when that person isn’t a narcissist, it can trigger intense rage, anxiety & even flashbacks. 

Unfortunately, people like this are impossible to avoid, so you need to learn how to cope with them because at some point, you will be forced to interact with them.

The first step I have found to take is to accept that this is going to happen & ask God not only to help you accept that, but handle it when it does.  If you think you can avoid people like this, you are sadly mistaken.  That is impossible because these people truly are everywhere!  The smartest thing you can do is accept that you won’t have a choice but to encounter people like this sometimes.

This can be hard to do in the situation due to the triggering of old emotions, but if at all possible, remind yourself of what is happening.  The reason this is so upsetting is simply because this person reminds you of the abusive narcissist you have experienced.  Nothing more.  Although this situation makes you feel awful, the truth is that this person can’t hurt you or control you because you know what is happening.  You are safe!

While some people who are very firm in their beliefs periodically are open minded about listening to other input, not all are.  A person who isn’t that open minded is someone that God refers to as a fool.  There is no reasoning with a fool.  Instead, go your separate way from this person as soon as possible.  The Bible says in Proverbs 14:7, “Leave the presence of a [shortsighted] fool, For you will not find knowledge or hear godly wisdom from his lips.”  There is no point in wasting your precious time on someone like this.

An Effective & Wise Way To Deal With A Narcissist’s Criticisms

There are plenty of people in life who will judge & criticize you harshly for no good reason & often with no valid reason for their negative opinions.  If you’re naturally rather quiet, for example, chances are someone has thought you were a snob.  They assumed you being quiet meant you thought you were better than them, when the truth is you simply aren’t the chatty type.  When this happens, their words might sting a bit, but it’s easy to see their opinions are totally unfounded, even foolish, & not worth paying attention to.

Then there are judgments & criticisms from narcissists.

While their criticisms are equally inane, they don’t come from a place of sheer ignorance & foolish assumptions.  They project, in other words, they accuse others of doing the same things they do even knowing that other person never does such things.  This is a way they try to deflect attention off of their abusive & horrible behavior.  However, at the time it is happening, it can be extremely painful & hard to remember that.

Narcissists also criticize as a way to destroy their victims’ self esteem.  To control & manipulate, they must first obliterate their chosen victim’s self esteem as a way to make their victim pliable.  To do this, they get to know their victim & figure out what makes that person tick, what they love, what their fears are & more.  Then, they say the most insulting, scathing criticisms they can come up with that are designed to cut that victim to the quick.  Over time, that person’s self esteem is going to be severely damaged, if not totally annihilated.  As this is happening, most victims don’t realize the motivation behind the words.  In all fairness, it’s very hard to focus on such things when someone is speaking things to you that hurt so deeply.

Narcissists also are notorious for creating smear campaigns after their victim ends the relationship with them.  In other words, they tell anyone who will listen terrible things about their victim.  Those things are often at the very least exaggerated negative things but even more often, they’re bold lies created to paint the victim in the worst possible light.  Sadly, many victims lose most if not all of their friends & family at this point, because those people believe the narcissist’s lies over the truth.

Proverbs 12:16 in the Good News Translation of the Bible says, “When a fool is annoyed, he quickly lets it be known. Smart people will ignore an insult.”  These are such wise words!!  They also can & should be applied to narcissists.

It always helps to keep in mind what the motives behind the narcissist’s criticisms are.  They want to project their abusive ways onto you, control you or make you look so bad people you love will abandon you.  This doesn’t mean what they say is true.  Quite the opposite, really.  Their negative words are all about them & what they can get out of hurting you.  In all reality, they have absolutely nothing to do with you & absolutely everything to do with the narcissist.  Nothing you can say will make this situation any less dysfunctional.

There’s also the fact that narcissists use any sign of emotion, good or bad, to cause further pain in victims.  If you speak up to the narcissist to tell them that their words have hurt you, this will provide them with narcissistic supply.  They will get a high of sorts from causing you pain.  This means they will do it over & over.

Also, if you’re experiencing or have experienced a smear campaign, you know that saying the narcissist is lying about you only causes others to believe the narcissist even more.  Why speaking the truth proves their case is beyond me, but it happens.

Keeping these factors in mind, doesn’t it seem the only smart thing to do is say nothing?  Speaking up only causes a person in any of the above scenarios frustration.  It’s in your best interest to ignore the insult.  I’m not saying you can’t feel hurt or anger, because naturally you will feel it to some degree even when you know the narcissist’s selfish motives behind the words.  Deal with your feelings however works best for you of course!  However, ignore the insult as in don’t show the narcissist you are upset & don’t try to defend yourself.  It simply isn’t worth it.  And, as a bonus – when narcissists believe a particular insult doesn’t affect a victim, they abandon using it since it doesn’t get them what they want.  So ignore the insults & go enjoy your life!

People Who Believe Their Opinions Are The Only Right Ones

Recently I saw something on facebook.  The post was about how single women without children rank highest in happiness according to some study.  I didn’t read the article to know who did the study or any details of it, but I did notice the comments on the article.  They were shocking to say the least.

Some people said of course they are, because single, childless women aren’t tied down to lazy husbands & bratty kids or similar, very negative comments.  Other people said it’s impossible for a single, childless woman to be happy because God made human beings to be married & make a family together.   People on both sides of the argument were extremely adamant that they were completely right, & the other side was completely wrong.

I’ve noticed this same scenario with other topics, such as eating meat versus being vegetarian.  Frankly, I find it utterly disturbing!  There are many issues like this that aren’t black & white, right or wrong.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with people’s beliefs on either side of many issues.  What is wrong is the fact that some people think it is their right to push their views onto other people as if their views are the only right ones.  It’s controlling, very disrespectful & even typical of many narcissists.  This behavior becomes even more disturbing to me when the pushy person claims to be a Christian.

The Bible states that Christians aren’t to judge other people, according to Romans 2:1 & Matthew 7:1 just to site a couple of examples.  We are only to judge things in a discerning way.  We are to judge if someone or something is good or bad for us.  We are to judge our own words & behavior, doing & saying what is Godly & avoiding things that aren’t.  Judging for the purpose of criticism or as an attempt to change someone however is a big problem.

Clearly it is wrong to judge a person for doing something that isn’t wrong.  For example, if someone prefers to remain single then as a Christian, it isn’t your place to tell this person how wrong & evil they are for their choice!  Their choice is hurting no one, it works well for them, & God isn’t going to condemn this person to Hell for not wanting to get married.  If God doesn’t have a problem with the behavior, people shouldn’t either. 

Romans 14:1-4 in the Amplified Bible explains the best way to handle differing opinions.  It says, “¹As for the one whose faith is weak, accept him [into your fellowship], but not for [the purpose of] quarreling over his opinions. ² One man’s faith permits him to eat everything, while the weak believer eats only vegetables [to avoid eating ritually unclean meat or something previously considered unclean]. ³ The one who eats [everything] is not to look down on the one who does not eat, and the one who does not eat must not criticize or pass judgment on the one who eats [everything], for God has accepted him. ⁴ Who are you to judge the servant of another? Before his own master he stands [approved] or falls [out of favor]. And he [who serves the Master—the Lord] will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand.” 

I know there are times it can be extremely difficult when someone’s thinking is much different than yours.  Rather than get into a disagreement though, keep in mind what Romans 14:1-4 says.  Let that person have their beliefs without your criticism.  If they opt to criticize you or try to change your thinking, don’t get drawn into a disagreement.  Each of you is entitled to your own opinion.

Being Over Sensitive To Criticism

I’ve noticed recently that I am way more sensitive to criticism than I used to be.  It’s not that I care what people think, but I care that people feel they must share their negative opinions with me when I didn’t ask for their opinions.

When I first realized this, I chalked it up to getting older & crankier.  In time though, I realized it’s not only those things.  I firmly believe it is because of having experienced narcissistic abuse.

Narcissists are most likely the most judgmental & critical of all people.  They must share any & all opinions of their victims they have at all times.  They favor negative ones in particular as a way to chip away at their victims’ self esteem since low self esteem makes a person easy to control & abuse. 

If by some chance narcissists think something positive about their victims, they won’t offer any praise.  They prefer to do much crueler things.  The best option is they simply withhold praise, but that seldom happens.  Instead, they prefer to claim responsibility for that good thing such as by claiming if they hadn’t pushed the victim, he or she never would have gotten that promotion at work.  Narcissistic parents also claim that their victim/child got whatever talent they have from that parent.  This means that when their child gets praise for something, the parent often says something along the lines of, “She got that talent from me.”

Another common scenario with narcissists is to twist the good thing in their victim around so it looks bad, thus ruining that good thing.  For example, many years back, before I decided to focus only on writing, I did some editing work.  I was blessed to work with one amazing client & mentioned the work to my mother.  That was a huge mistake, but at that time, I didn’t know anything about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  I mentioned my client & the work I was enjoying doing for her because I naively thought my mother would be happy for me.  She always fancied herself a skilled writer, & she was, but she never worked in the field.  I thought she might be happy that I was working in the field & enjoying myself.  Well, not only did she not share my joy, but a few days later she ruined mine.  She did this by saying she was thinking of getting into editing work because (& this is her wording), “it’s such easy money.  Obviously anyone can do it.” 

Narcissists also beat their victims down with criticism.  When my husband & I got together, his mother repeatedly told me how much she hated my car.  For years, I heard constant hateful comments.  Many times I wanted to tell her, “I know.  You hate my car.  You think it’s the worst car in the whole world.  There’s no need to keep telling me.  I figured out how you feel after the first 50,000 times you mentioned it!”

After going through these things for years at the hands of narcissists, I really think that no matter how much we may have healed, criticism is still a very tough thing for us to handle, even when we don’t care about someone else’s opinions.  We are burned out on criticism, negativity & cruelty.  We also had it drilled into us how awful we are or something about us is.  After years of this, we get to the point where criticism, unless it’s clearly well meaning & meant to help, is incredibly irritating.  So many times I have wanted to tell someone, “Your opinion wasn’t asked for & truly means nothing.  Why must you share it?  And, why do you think it’s ok to be such a disrespectful jerk?”

If this describes you, I so relate!  It’s frustrating!  I have learned the best way to handle criticism that is unasked for & unfair is to stop for a moment.  Inhale deeply then exhale to calm your mind & body.  Remind yourself that you are having a reaction to the narcissistic abuse, nothing more.  Also remind yourself that not all people have good social skills.  Some are very critical simply because they haven’t learned any better.  That doesn’t mean they are narcissists or are out to hurt you.  They are simply oblivious.  And, remember that just because someone is criticizing you doesn’t mean what they said is true.  Consider what they have to say, & if it’s wrong, disregard it.  If they are right, although it was a painful way to learn, you still learned something.  That is a good thing.

If you know the person who is critical, then you know if you can talk openly to them or not.  If you can, gently let them know how you feel.  They may have simply not realized how what they said sounded.  Or they may be struggling with something & took their frustrations out on you. 

And as always, remember to pray.  Ask God for wisdom & help in your situation, & He will provide you whatever you need!

On Insulting & Critical People

My husband & I were watching a true crime TV show not long ago, as we often do.  On it, a man shot & killed another.  At the time, he was very high on drugs & paranoid.  He mistook a simple comment made by the victim as insulting & disrespectful, which infuriated him enough to shoot this man.

I thought about how ridiculous this is.  Even if the man had been insulting, who cares?!  That was no reason to kill the guy!

Growing up with narcissistic parents, people often go one way or another.  Some turn out like what the comedian Christopher Titus referred to as an insult Navy seal.  After your parent has said unimaginably cruel things to you & called you dreadful names, no one else’s insults can hurt you.  You’ve built up a high tolerance to insults, & it takes a LOT to upset you.  Then there are many other people who have gone the other direction.  They have a thin skin when it comes to insults, & are easily devastated.  You are the folks I am writing this post for.

Nobody likes to be insulted.  Pretty sure that is just a given.  That doesn’t mean insults need to be devastating though.  For one thing, no one can please everyone.  You can be a beautiful person, inside & out, highly intelligent, successful in every area of your life, & someone still will have something negative to say no matter how perfect you are simply because no one can please every single person.

For another thing, emotionally healthy people aren’t judgmental or critical.  They are usually way too focused on managing themselves, learning, growing & being good people to worry about picking someone else apart.  This tells me that the majority of critical people aren’t emotionally healthy, like critical narcissists.  Do you really care about the opinion of someone like that?

Many insults are said out of jealousy.  For an example, a person struggling in college may be very critical of their friend who appears to be sailing through without any problems.

There is also something called morbid envy.  Narcissists are quite prone to this.  They envy someone so much that they are excessively cruel to that person.  They can be extremely nit picky towards the subject of their envy too, such as criticizing small things like a woman having a broken nail or a man’s hair being slightly disheveled.  Another common sign of morbid envy is when a person receives a complement & the narcissist immediately insults either the receiver or giver of the complement or even both.  In any case, morbid envy makes a person very insulting towards others!

And don’t forget.. there is a big difference in someone being insulting & offering constructive criticism.  Constructive criticism is worded to offer help & be as not offensive as possible.  Insults aren’t said to help, but only to hurt.

My point in sharing these thoughts with you is to help you realize that when someone is insulting to you, Dear Reader, it’s not about you.  It’s truly about that person.

What they say also has no basis in reality, only in that person’s dysfunction.  An insulting person is trying to hurt or control you by any means possible.  That doesn’t mean that what they say is true.  In fact, most likely it isn’t even close.

If you can remember these points when you come across someone who is insulting & mean to you, it really will help you to avoid being upset by that person’s nastiness.  A different perspective can be a truly helpful thing sometimes, in particular when it comes to dealing with very dysfunctional, hateful people.

Tactics Used By Narcissists: Nit Picking & Changing The Goals

Nit Picking & Changing Goals- Abuse Tactics Used By Narcissists

Narcissists all love to control their victims.  Many use two tactics simultaneously to get what they want.  Those tactics are nit picking & changing goals.

These evil tactics work very well together to make a victim feel not good enough, & willing to work harder & harder to please the narcissist.  As an example, at the time my ex husband & I were together, I felt I was morbidly obese & disgusting.  Looking back though at old pictures now, I see I was a normal weight.  Not skinny, not fat.. normal.  However, he constantly hinted that I needed to lose weight so I could look better.  Our marriage was a nightmare, & I thought that if I just could lose weight, I could fix it.  I know, this was very naive on my part but I was young & unaware of the kind of person I was dealing with at that time.

Anyway I lost weight.. 23 pounds to be precise.  I fit into a size 6 comfortably & some size 4’s as well.  Considering my frame & height, I was too thin, I think, but it still wasn’t good enough for my ex.

During my weight loss journey, my ex did not complement me or encourage me.  The closest thing he said to a complement was, “Well your butt finally looks better.”  He also made me feel like I needed to lose more & more weight in order to please him.  As thin as I was at that time, I still felt that I was disgustingly fat & like if I didn’t lose some more weight, my marriage would fail because of it.

My ex husband’s nitpicking & changing the goals in that area gave me a very skewed view of not only my appearance which damaged my already fragile self esteem, but also my responsibility in our failing marriage.  I felt as if I was completely to blame for the problems in our marriage, even though now I know I was not.  This is basically the goal of a narcissist who employs nitpicking & changing the rules.  If the narcissist can make their victim feel badly about themselves, they are easy to control, which of course is a great thing to a narcissist.  And, if the narcissist can convince the victim that something is their fault, they will work hard to please the narcissist.  The victim also will be so focused on trying to please the narcissist, they won’t realize that the narcissist is to blame, so the narcissist gets away with their abusive tactics.  And, this builds up a tolerance to abuse in a victim, so a narcissist can do more awful things & get away with them.

No matter the relationship, all narcissists seem to use nitpicking & changing the goals as a way to abuse their victims.  Parents use this tactic on their children even into adulthood, spouses use it, co workers & friends use it as well.  It is wise to learn to recognize this abusive tactic, understand it & find ways to cope with it.

Recognizing it is pretty easy.  When someone is excessively critical, even when said with feigned concern, & if the person also changes what they want from you often, these are big red flags.

You also need to keep in mind that this is not about you, it’s about the narcissist’s need to abuse & control you.  The things they criticize aren’t necessarily flaws.  Probably they are things you’re insecure about, so the narcissist uses your insecurities as a means to abuse you.

As for ways to cope, recognizing what is happening & remembering what the reasoning behind it is will help you tremendously.  Stick to your boundaries, too.  If you give a narcissist an inch, they’ll take 100 miles, so don’t give them what they want.  Also, I firmly believe in praying, asking God to give you creative ideas to deal with a narcissist is always a very good move.  He will give you effective ideas that you never would’ve thought of on your own.  Let Him help you!

How To Cope With Smear Campaigns

When something happens with a narcissist, either an argument or you go no contact with them, they almost always start a smear campaign against you.

 

A smear campaign is when the narcissist tells anyone who will listen how cruel & unreasonable you were to her, how she doesn’t understand how you can treat her this way after all she did for you & other similar nonsense.  She may even add in lies, such as you’re mentally unstable or an addict to discredit you to the listener.

 

It’s only normal to want to defend yourself against such nonsense.  It hurts when people believe these lies, especially when those people are close to you.  Any normal person would want to convince those people that what the narcissist said about you was nothing but lies.  However, this is not a good idea!

 

By speaking out against the narcissist’s lies, it only serves to convince those who believe the lies that the narcissist is right.  They think you are crazy, jealous, bitter, unreasonable or other awful things that the narcissist said you are.  It’s not fair, but it’s how this situation works almost every single time.

 

The only way to defend yourself successfully against a narcissist’s smear campaign is not to defend yourself.  Although it sounds counterproductive, please hear me out.

 

Everything narcissists do boils down to them trying to gain narcissistic supply.  Any strong reaction from you, whether it’s positive or negative provides them with supply.  By creating this smear campaign, they are hoping to provoke anger & even hatred from you since that would provide supply.

 

The smear campaign is also done to discredit you in case you start speaking about the things the narcissist did to you.  If they can make people think you’re crazy, unreasonable, etc., people won’t believe what you say about the narcissist.  The narcissist’s reputation will be protected while yours is ruined, if the campaign goes as well as they expect it to.

 

By living your life as if nothing is happening, you’re depriving the narcissist of her precious narcissistic supply, which means she will get bored with you & leave you alone at some point.  You also are creating doubt in those who believe the smear campaign.  They will see that you act as a normal person, & start to wonder if the narcissist is really right about what she said.  You sure don’t seem crazy, unstable, etc. like the narcissist said.  Maybe what she said about you isn’t true after all.  In fact, the narcissist’s mask may fall off entirely, & others will see the monster under the mask.

 

So remember, Dear Reader, when this happens to you (& it will at some point if you’ve had a narcissist in your life), ignore the smear campaign!  Although it bothers you, never let that show.  Vent to safe people close to you, journal about your feelings & as always, pray, but do not let your hurt, anger or frustration show to anyone involved in the smear campaign!

Narcissistic Parents Don’t Want Their Children To Grow Up

When the child of a narcissistic parent is very young, the narcissistic parent is often at her happiest in her role as a parent.  Young children are easier to control & manipulate.  They also don’t want independence.

 

Unfortunately for the narcissistic parent, children don’t stay little forever.

 

As children grow up, many narcissists feel threatened or even betrayed.  The reason being, I believe, is that the harder the child is to control, the worse this is for the narcissistic parent. They want that young child to make them look good by behaving properly, being interested in what the parent wants them interested in, etc.  The younger a child, the easier the child is to control.  This is why the teen years can be extremely hard for narcissistic parents & their children.  Teens are growing up & naturally want more independence.  This is unacceptable to the narcissist, so they use whatever means they can to keep their teenager a young child.  Some weapons they use are:

 

• Disapproval.  This can be either in the forms of disapproving looks or questioning your choices.
• Criticism.  Insulting your choices or tastes, usually done under the guise of helping.  The narcissistic parent is trying to make you believe she knows what’s best for you, you don’t.
• Interfering.  Telling you what you should do, who you should date or not allowing you to date, even sabotaging relationships with people the narcissistic parent doesn’t approve of.

 

Unfortunately, these behaviors don’t end when the child turns into an adult.  Often, they continue well into adulthood.  They certainly did with my parents.  My parents had very strong opinions on what I should do & who I should do it with.

 

There are no ways to get a narcissist to stop trying to infantilize their child, no matter the child’s age.  But, there are some ways you can handle this maddening behavior.

 

You’ll need to limit the amount of information you reveal to your narcissistic parent.  Any information they have can be turned into ammunition used to hurt you.

 

Use good boundary setting phrases, such as, “Thanks, but the situation is under control.”  “I’ve made my decision, & there is nothing more to discuss.”  “I didn’t ask for your opinion on this matter.”

 

Changing the subject may work too.  Often with narcissists, you can’t simply change the subject & expect them to respect that the first time.  It may take doing this a few times or doing it over & over in a short span of time, but it usually works- they get tired of fighting to talk about the topic.  The often short attention span of many narcissists can work in your favor.

Can You & Your Friends Agree To Disagree?

I was thinking today of something…

 

Right after Christmas of 2014, I shared a blog post about some thoughts regarding going no contact with narcissistic parents.  I said in my experience, I was glad I didn’t do it. My father had some health problems which meant I spent a great deal of time with my parents, & things had improved a lot during that time in our relationship.  In the post, I encouraged others to consider my story if they are thinking of going no contact, not to change their minds, but just to give them another topic to consider.  (there was more to it but that’s the basics anyway).  A well known blogger followed me at the time & we were also facebook friends.  She read my post & apparently read a lot into it that I didn’t put in the post.  She & another of my followers got into a rather heated disagreement when I was away from the computer, & it was done by the time I saw it.  Not that I could’ve done anything anyway- I can’t stop people from posting in my blog comments sections.  Anyway shortly after, the other blogger unfollowed my blog, removed my book recommendation from her site & blocked me on facebook.

 

At first this hurt, I won’t lie.  I was stunned plus wondering what did I do to warrant this behavior from her?  It was another follower she got into a disagreement over, not me!  I wasn’t even there!  I realized not long before this that she has some pretty narcissistic tendencies (I’d seen a few glimpses of them before but had brushed them off as me being oversensitive), one of which was she didn’t handle people disagreeing with her well.  This was a touchy topic with her as she believes everyone should be no contact with every narcissist, period.

 

I also realized that many people are this way.  They are of the “if you’re not for me, you’re against me” mentality.  Oddly, it seems very common today.  Not a lot of people can agree to disagree.  Just look at politics.  Many people (both liberal & conservative alike) act as if you’re a fool for your views if you don’t agree with theirs.

 

People who respect you enough to allow you to have your own opinion are a gem.  Truly!  I have friends who share different views on all kinds of things or are of different religious beliefs, & you know what?  It’s fine!  We don’t try to push our views on each other.  If we have questions about whatever the other person believes, we ask respectfully.  And you know something?  Those friendships have lasted much longer than the ones with people who are always trying to change your mind or belittle you for disagreeing with them.

 

Those friendships are also deeper, more comfortable as well, because each of us knows that the other person won’t judge us.

 

Another bonus is knowing people who are different than you expands your horizons.  For example, I have a friend who was a part of the Pagan religion for a long time.  She taught me quite a bit about herbal remedies.  This is interesting information to me!  Not to mention helpful.  I’ll run for something herbal before I’ll run for the pharmacy if I need healing since usually herbal works as well or better, & with less potential side effects).  If it wasn’t for her, I don’t know if I would’ve even been interested in herbal remedies.

 

How do you fit into this?  Are you able to disagree respectfully with others or do you believe your friends must agree with you fully?  If you only surround yourself with those who believe & think as you do, I encourage you today to expand your horizons.  Get to know people of different religions, races or cultures.  It’ll bless you as well as them.

Inner Faultfinder

Everyone has an inner voice.  That sense of pride when you do a job well is a part of it, as is that other voice that criticizes you when you make a mistake.  For most of us who suffered narcissistic abuse, that inner voice turns into the harshest, cruelest critic you can imagine.

Have you ever done something simple, like spill your drink, & then tell yourself how clumsy you are for doing so?  Or, did you show up late due to circumstances beyond your control such as a flat tire then berate yourself for being so unreliable?  Did your company let you go due to cutbacks, no fault of your own, yet you still told yourself you were a failure?  That is your inner voice turned inner faultfinder.

That voice isn’t naturally cruel.  It turns cruel because of your narcissistic mother.  Her constant put downs & judgments eventually turn inward, & you began to tell yourself the same things she did.  Maybe you use her words, or maybe not, but you become as abusive towards yourself as she is towards you.

Unfortunately, this seems to be a natural event for children of narcissistic mothers.  I wonder if it is because that inner voice stays stuck as a child.  It doesn’t grow up, but instead stays an abused child, wanting to please the impossible to please narcissistic mother.  When you fail  to please her (by making a mistake, spilling something, doing something she wouldn’t approve of, etc.), that inner voice simply repeats what your mother has said (or implied).  I’ve heard that some people who experience trauma at an early age never emotionally grow past that point.  They get stuck at the age of their traumatic experience.  Maybe for some of us who didn’t do that, our inner voice did instead.  It just got stuck in an abusive childhood, & wants so desperately to please the narcissistic mother, it will imitate her actions in an attempt to make it happen.

I have been this way my entire life- extremely critical of myself.  If I forget something, I tell myself how stupid I am.  If I’m feeling under the weather & my husband helps me with or worse yet, does all of the housework, I’m useless & a burden.  If I stub my toe, I’m stupid, clumsy & should’ve known better.  It’s not a pretty inner dialog.  Frankly, it’s gotten old.  I’ve heard enough unfair criticisms in my life to last ten lifetimes, & not only from the narcissists- from myself as well.  I’ve decided it’s time to change.  God has shown me some ways to change this, & I’ll share with you in the hopes they help you as well..

• Ask for God’s help on the matter.  He will show you creative ways to handle it as He has me.
• Tell that critic to shut up.  I’m going to say “shut up!” to that awful faultfinding, hyper-critical voice inside every time it says something hateful, then switch my thinking to something else.  Anything to take my mind off what it said.
• Remind yourself the critic is only an echo of your narcissistic mother, & it’s wrong.  Just like your narcissistic mother, this voice has her best interests at heart, not yours.  Its opinions won’t benefit you.  Ignore it as you do your narcissistic mother’s useless opinions on your life.
• Years ago, I saw Robb Thompson, a preacher on TV, give a wonderful visual for controlling bad thoughts.  He said they were from the devil, so when bad thoughts came to you, imagine taking the devil by the hand, walking him over to God & saying to the devil, “Ok, now tell Him what you just told me.”  Naturally the devil would be too afraid to say anything so cruel to one of His children in front of God & would back down.

I believe it will take time to make that cruel inner voice less cruel but I think it can be done.  After all, it was trained to be so negative- why can’t it be retrained to be less abusive?

Do People Tell You That You’re Crazy, Stupid Or Other Bad Things?

Narcissists love to accuse their victims of awful things.  Crazy, stupid, selfish & more- there is no end to the hateful things a narcissist will call you.  And, like everything else they do, there is a motive behind doing this.

Calling you these awful names doesn’t mean they actually believe you are crazy, stupid or selfish- instead, it gives them power & control.

How, you ask?  Because if you are told you are selfish, for example, you are going to work hard to prove that you are not selfish.  This gives the narcissist power over you because by saying what she did, she made you work harder for her.  She feels better about herself at this point because you working hard to please her shows she has power.  Plus, when she sees that she is able to make you do things, that makes her feel better about herself.

When someone tells you awful things about yourself, you need to think about it.  Constructive criticism is said gently & to help you.  Narcissists however, don’t say things nicely or to help.   They say things cruelly or they imply things rather than say them outright, so if you confront them, they can say something like “I never said you were *fill in the blank*”  “You read too much into things!”  “You have such a vivid imagination!”

The person saying these things.. do they often criticize you?  Do they often try to control you?

If you are having trouble determining what is really happening, ask God for discernment on the matter.

You do not deserve to be mistreated!  If someone is telling you terrible things about yourself that you know are untrue, always remember that it says more about her than you.  Normal people don’t tear down other people, but encourage & empower them instead.

Judging Others

Matthew 7:1-3 states,  “Judge not, that ye be not judged.  For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.  And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?” (KJV)  Yet, it seems to me not many people really take this Scripture to heart.

I’ve been noticing this on facebook lately, regarding two popular issues in particular.  As many of you know, Cecil the lion was killed in a protected area illegally by a trophy hunter.  Also, Planned Parenthood has been accused of selling parts of the babies they aborted for profit.  (sorry- I haven’t read much about either so I can’t provide better details).  Granted, both are terrible issues.  Neither situation should have happened.  Naturally, people are very passionate about both issues.  People also are very judgmental about people’s feelings on these issues.

I’ve seen many posts from folks upset about Planned Parenthood criticizing those upset about Cecil the lion.  “It’s just a lion!”  “Who cares?  It’s just a man eating beast!”  “Children being slaughtered & their parts sold is more important!”

This has been bothering me because it happens every day with all kinds of issues, not only these two.  They are simply a recent example I’m using.  People aren’t tolerant of the simple fact that people have different passions.  It’s how God made us.  Someone like me with a lot of pets is naturally be more upset over trophy hunting an innocent, majestic lion than the horrible practices of Planned Parenthood, whereas a mother with seven children naturally will be more upset over Planned Parenthood’s actions than the lion’s death.  This does NOT mean one of us is wrong!  It simply means we are different people with different priorities & passions.

Not everyone is going to feel the same way, & that is fine!  People need to accept that about you just as you need to accept that about them.  You don’t have to agree with someone 100% to be in a relationship with them.  I have friends who are very interested in politics while I couldn’t care less about it.  We may discuss politics slightly but that’s all, & we’re fine with that because we have other common interests.  I have other friends who like animals but aren’t as obsessed with them as I am.  The same thing happens- we may discuss animals slightly but that is fine because we too have other common interests.  My political friends aren’t offended that I don’t share their passion & I’m not offended other friends don’t share my animal passion.  We accept each other’s differences without judgment.

I’d like to encourage you, Dear Reader, to do the same.  Accept the fact no one shares your same passions.  Even if you do, chances are you’ll both handle it a bit differently anyway.  Instead of judging, just accept the fact that God made you both differently.  If your friend feels strongly about an issue, maybe try to learn some about it.  You may discover a new interest or at least learn a little.

Toxic Shame Resulting From Narcissistic Abuse- There Is A Way Out!

As of yesterday, it’s been one month since I got sick with carbon monoxide poisoning & a concussion.  It’s been quite an interesting month, too.

My recovery is a slow one, but at least it is giving me a much needed break from life.  It’s also given me more time to think & pray.  

Shortly after returning home from the hospital, God showed me that I had a big problem with toxic shame, which stems from emotional neglect & criticisms in childhood.  (it’s why I felt I didn’t deserve any help from the ER staff, even though that is their job, & my husband shouldn’t help me recover- I should do it all on my own.  That’s pretty bad, especially considering the severity of my illnesses!)  I believe this is a very common problem for adult children of narcissistic parents, so I thought I would share a bit about this past month’s journey with you.

When God first revealed this to me, I was happy & sad.  Happy because I finally understood what was wrong, why I felt I deserved nothing.  Also sad because, well, let’s face it- this is pretty depressing realizing I was made to feel so poorly about myself.  I also had no idea how to cope with this problem, & had to ask God to show me.  He gave me some really good  ideas, which I shared in the post I originally wrote on this topic.  Please read that post at this link.  I’ve been trying to do the things I mentioned in that post. I also have been doing other things, such as paying more attention to my dreams, which have been revealing a great deal to me about how much I need to take care of myself.  (Almost nightly, I’m having dreams that show me that, so obviously God thinks it’s important!)

I also told God I want to change this problem- I want to be rid of this toxic shame once & for all, & I want to learn to take care of myself too instead of only everyone else.  Was that a powerful prayer!  He has been helping me tremendously!!

About a week after I got sick, I got an email from a jewelry company.  They had a lovely ring on sale that reminded me of one my paternal grandmother had when I was a kid.  This wasn’t a real diamond like hers, but it was still beautiful.  I felt that instead of thinking it’s pretty & ignoring it, I should ask hubby if we could get it.  That took a lot of guts for me- I hate asking him for anything, let alone something frivolous.  He said sure, go ahead & get  it.  When I got on the website to order it, I saw they had an identical ring with a much larger stone that I liked even more.  I ordered it, even though it cost a bit more.  For once, probably the first time in my life, I realized I deserved something special & felt no guilt about it.   Getting myself that prize was a big step towards shedding the “I don’t deserve…” mindset of toxic shame.  Now the company has failed to fulfill my order, but I’m not giving up- I will just get that ring from another company .  🙂

Also, I’ve had trouble with my recovery.  I need to relax, avoid any strenuous physical activity & stress until I am healthy again.  This means hubby gets to do the bulk of housework.  It’s been hard just laying around while he works, then comes home & does laundry & cleans.  Every time the guilt comes up, God reminds me to relax.  I need to recover- I’ve been poisoned by carbon monoxide & have a nasty head injury.  Anyone in that situation would need to relax & recover so stop beating myself up!  Besides, hubby has never really had to take care of anyone before, so this is good for him, having to prioritize another person’s needs.

Although I haven’t told my parents about my illnesses, I’ve spoken with them a few times during my recovery.  Instead of the usual feelings of guilt, hurt or anger when they play their head games, God has reminded that they have problems.  For example, my father recently said I should call if I need anything or just want to talk.  I felt guilty for not calling more often, like a bad daughter, but only for  a second.  Almost immediately, I realized he only wants more contact with me to receive his narcissistic supply, not to spend time with me.  The guilt was alleviated immediately.  I realized I’m not a bad daughter, but instead am someone who doesn’t wish to be used.  Life is too short to be someone’s narcissistic supply!

Something else interesting just happened that made me realize what progress I’m making. I just had a good, long cry.  You see, when some of my pets have died, God has comforted me by telling me shortly after their death that a certain song reminds my recently departed of me- the song then becomes our song.  Aerosmith’s 1988 hit “Angel” just came on. That’s my lovely snowshoe Siamese cat Jasmine’s & my song.  When I heard the song, I started to cry.  I miss Jasmine so badly, & maybe because I’m very sensitive due to my illnesses, the magnitude of missing her hit me very hard.  As the tears finally came to a stop, I realized something- I felt no shame for them!  As much as I love my animals, because my grief at losing them has been so severely invalidated repeatedly, I’ve often felt shame for crying because of them & did my best to ignore my pain.  Especially years later, when I “should be over it”, according to many people. Today was different.  It was the first time I can say I honestly felt no shame, & was able to cry without holding back.  It was actually a very good feeling.  Jasmine was a very brave, amazing & special cat. She survived 4 strokes before she passed away in 2011 & fought hard to come back from each one.  She deserved the love & respect of being grieved properly, yanno?

I’m sharing these things with you today in the hopes of encouraging you.  If you too suffer with toxic shame, God can help you to heal as He is helping me.  He is breaking the hold of toxic shame in my life & will do the same thing for you!  Living with toxic shame is no way to live!  You deserve so much better than that, as do I.  God wants us to be happy & healthy- two things no one living with toxic shame can be.

Emotional Neglect & Critical Words

Lately, I’ve been reading some about emotional neglect & criticism, & their detrimental effects, especially on children.  They can cause anxiety & toxic shame, both of which are absolutely horrible to live with.

I’ve been seeing lately how much anxiety & shame I carry, & as I mentioned in this post, now I understand why I have them.  When a parent doesn’t care about their child’s feelings, acts as if the child is a bother &/or is overly critical, seeds get sown in the child.  The child becomes fearful.  She learns early that people will hurt her with their words or actions (or both), & no one will protect her, not even her parents.  She also internalizes the fact no one cares enough to protect her, & becomes deeply ashamed of who she is. After all, if her own parents don’t love her enough to care about & for her, she must be deeply flawed, unlovable, a terrible person.  Or so she believes.

These dysfunctional beliefs carry into adulthood.  It means she settles for dysfunctional or abusive relationships (friendships or romantic relationships), lives with extreme anxiety especially when dealing with other people, has a hard time asking for assistance, & doesn’t believe she is worthy.  Worthy of what?  Pretty much anything!  Anything from setting healthy boundaries to taking care of her health to getting new clothes because her old ones are worn out & more.

It is a miserable way to live, & no one should have to live like this!  If you recognize yourself in this post, then please read my other post I mentioned above.  In it, I offer some ways I think can help you overcome toxic shame.  As it diminishes, the anxiety should follow.  It has for me.

I’m praying for you, Dear Reader.  May God bless you, & help you to overcome the pain of toxic shame & anxiety!  xoxo