Tag Archives: daughter of narcissistic mother

Why Not Tolerating Abuse Is A Godly, Loving Behavior

One thing it seems like all adult children of narcissists share is the large amount of people who  think that we should continue to tolerate anything & everything our narcissistic parents dish out, because of such logic as, “That’s the only mother you’ll ever have!”, “She’s doing her best!”  or, “She won’t be around forever yanno!”  So many people think tolerating abuse is loving, Godly, martyr-like behavior.  How people can think this is utterly beyond me.

Consider Mark 12:32-33, & notice the last part of verse 33…

Mark 12:32-33   “Well said, teacher,” the man replied. “You are right in saying that God is one and there is no other but him. 33 To love him with all your heart, with all your understanding and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices.”  (NIV)

What exactly does it mean to love?  Here is how love is defined in the Bible..

1 Corinthians 13 “If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”  (NIV)

I see nothing in there that states how tolerating abuse is a good thing for anyone.  Basically, I see 1 Corinthians 13 this way- love wants what is best, & tolerating abuse is hardly best for anyone.  The victim certainly doesn’t get what’s best- instead they end up hurt & angry at best, or possibly even doubting their sanity at worst.  Depending on the type of abuse the narcissist dishes out, they may also end up in financial straights or with physical injuries.  The abuser doesn’t end up with what’s best when abuse is tolerated either, because being allowed to get away with bad behavior certainly isn’t loving!  Getting away with bad behavior only encourages that bad behavior to continue, & probably even to escalate.  Narcissists in particular, when not confronted with boundaries or consequences for their behavior, will continue to push the limits to see just how far they can go.

People who try to tell you that you need to let your narcissistic parent abuse  you truly have no inkling of God’s definition of love.  Sadly, many of them are very convicted in their beliefs, so trying to explain this to many of them will be a waste of your time.  However, if this is someone you know well, you will know if this person will be open or not to hearing you explain what God’s definition of love really is.  If they are, then hopefully your relationship will survive this bump in the road unscathed.

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

Not A Good Day

Apparently the hospital where my father is staying is confused.  Great thing for a hospital, no?  *sigh*

 

They want to do a small procedure on my father to repair the compression fracture in his spine, & now that the nasty meds are out of his system, he agrees to get it done.  It was supposed to be done Thursday & he was going to come home last night.  Then no, he wasn’t coming home last night, but today after the procedure.  Just a little while ago a nurse told him it’ll be done Thursday& he can come  home then.  *pulling out hair*  I really wish someone would get their act together..

 

On the good side however, he feels great.  Pain is well controlled with much milder meds.  He’s in good spirits too.

 

Aside from the frustration with the hospital, it hasn’t been a good day for me because my mother really hurt me this morning.  I think I’m as hurt as I am because I’m overly tired & this past week has been an emotional roller coaster.  Plus, as I mentioned in my last post, she’d been pleasant & nice to me.

 

This morning when we spoke on the phone, she asked if my back was bothering me at all today.  Odd question for her, what with her showing some concern.  I should’ve expected it was a setup.  Unfortunately I didn’t.  I said it’s been kinda bothering me all week (I feel stress in my back very easily).  She said, “You just wait until you have back problems for 18 years!”  What the..?!?!  I couldn’t help it & started crying.  Thankfully, the narcissism was in full force & she had no idea.  I really wouldn’t have wanted to explain why I was hurt, as she would’ve only invalidated me further.

 

I guess the niceness is done now.  Kinda sucks- the last few days were very pleasant when I had to deal with her.  Not like I didn’t see it coming though.  It’s just very disappointing.  The good times are always very good, & I think that’s why it always hurts as bad as it does when they end.  Plus, it sure would be nice to have a normal, non-narcissistic mother.

 

So, I decided to get in some well needed self-care today.  I was thinking of staying home since I am about dying for some introvert time, just hanging out with the furkids.  But, instead I’m heading out to lunch with a dear friend.  The laughs will do us both some good.

 

I realize I’m very blessed with wonderful fans, so I’m hoping you will pray for me.  I really need the prayer right now.  I’ve been in survival mode all week, just getting through each crisis as it arose, & now that there is light at the end of the tunnel, I am not only exhuasted beyond belief, but overly emotional.  Thank you for the prayers!  I love you & am praying for you too!  xoxo

 

 

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

Loving Your Enemy- How It Relates To Narcissists

As I was falling asleep last night, hubby was watching TV.  He had some Christian program on, & I heard Matthew 5:44 as I was dozing.. “But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;” (KJV)  I quickly made a mental note & asked God to remind me to look up this verse & how it relates to narcissism.   Thankfully, He reminded me this morning so here I am, having looked it up.

 

I checked this verse in the Message translation of the Bible, & it was quite eye opening:

 

Matthew 5:43-47:  “You’re familiar with the old written law, ‘Love your friend,’ and its unwritten companion, ‘Hate your enemy.’ I’m challenging that. I’m telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that.”

 

That right there is one of the reasons I love the Message translation so much!  It spells things out super clearly!

 

I think many people think loving your enemies means allowing them to hurt & abuse you.  Clearly this isn’t what God means.  Not even close.

 

The best way to handle a relationship with a narcissist is to pray about it- ask God how you should handle yourself with this person & do as He says.  Learn from your experiences, too.  Being in a relationship with a narcissist can teach you plenty of things, such as learning what boundaries to set & enforce.  You also can love this person without tolerating their abuse by setting boundaries & giving them consequences for their actions.  Both are very loving behaviors, as they teach how to be a better person.  (Whether or not the narcissist learns from your boundaries & consequences is up to her, but you can rest assured you have done the right thing).

 

So many people say that you should cut ties with any narcissist, no matter who he or she is, or where this person is on the NPD spectrum.  While often that is necessary to protect yourself, sometimes it isn’t feasible to sever those ties for various reasons.  In cases like that, then you need to make the best of it for you.  Why not use the opportunity to learn & grow?

 

In 2001, I cut ties with my mother.  I didn’t speak to her until she called me in 2007 because she was having heart surgery.  I  almost didn’t allow her back into my life at that point as she showed no repentance for her past awful behaviors.  She isn’t one to accept responsibility, so this wasn’t exactly a surprise.  However, I allowed her back in anyway.  Since that time, it hasn’t been easy, as any of you who read my blog or books know.  But, I’m still glad I did it.  There have been a few good times, more than ever before, & I have learned a lot.  During our time apart, I was able to heal from much of the abuse she put me through, but it’s during  the time together that I’ve been able to grow & learn so much about myself as well as my mother.  I also have a peace now I didn’t back in 2001, because I have given the relationship with my mother my best.  If one of us opts to end it now, so be it- I have the satisfaction of knowing I’ve done all I can do.

 

Whether you are currently in a relationship or not with your narcissistic mother, you still can follow the command Jesus gave us, & “love your enemy.”  You can pray for her- pray for her healing, her Salvation & anything else you know she needs.  You also can pray for yourself- ask God what you were to learn from your experiences, & how to put this knowledge into practice.

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Maternal Narcissism

I am looking for information on if one generation is more prone to narcissism than another. Please respond in my poll below, or if you prefer, email me at CynthiaBaileyRug@aol.com

Thank you!

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

Complex PTSD Bill Of Rights

I think I am pretty typical of a daughter raised by a narcissistic mother.  Like many children of narcissists, I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which means I fight depression, anxiety, insomnia & agoraphobia every day.  I am constantly over-aware of the emotions of people around me, on the guard against potentially being hurt (hypervigilance) & have flashbacks & nightmares.  I also have a list of insecurities a mile long, I don’t trust people easily, & I expect nothing less than perfection from myself, partly so as not to be a burden anyone.  

Because of that feeling of I should be perfect, it has made the C-PTSD even more difficult than it already is.  My own husband doesn’t even know how hard it is sometimes, because I don’t tell him much.  I can’t burden him with my petty problems, after all.  *sighs*  I also never have had anyone take care of me, so I have become so accustomed to taking care of myself & my own problems.  Leaning on him is almost completely impossible for me.  This also means I even have trouble talking to God about it, & asking for His help.  

Anyway, I was thinking recently about this & I have no doubt I’m not the only person with C-PTSD like this.  I decided to write up a 
C-PTSD Bill Of Rights- something I could look at to remind myself I don’t have to be perfect all the time.  I thought I would share it here.. I hope it helps you too!  ❤

 

C-PTSD Bill Of Rights

 

  1. I have the right to talk to God about my struggles and my pain.  He understands, and will help me as no one else can.  He is not angry with me or disappointed in me for having C-PTSD.  He loves me no matter what.
  2. I have the right to have a bad day sometimes.  When living with this disorder and working on healing, there will be very good and very bad days- that is completely normal.
  3. I have the right to talk about my pain and frustrations with supportive, loving, caring people.
  4. I have the right to accept my limits.  Sometimes my best may not be very good no matter how hard I try.  (Remember- PTSD causes physical changes in your brain.  You are going to forget things sometimes or have difficulty regulating your moods or even finding the right words.  This doesn’t mean you are crazy or stupid- it means you have C-PTSD.)
  5. I have the right to say no.
  6. I have the right to ask for help.
  7. I have the right to walk my own individual walk with this disorder.  My journey will not be like everyone else’s.  That does not make me right or wrong- it makes me an individual.
  8. I have the right to remember painful events from the past.  I can learn from the past, and it has made me who I am today.  (Remembering the past is NOT the same as dwelling on the past, not letting things go, etc.!)
  9. I have the right to give myself the gift of forgiveness.  Not to erase the horrible things done to me, but because I deserve better than carrying around anger and bitterness inside of me.  I also need to understand that forgiving my abuser(s) does not mean I will be healed completely- there is some damage that must be worked on, even when complete forgiveness has happened.  I also must forgive myself for any wrongs I have committed.
  10. I have the right to take care of myself.  I must not only take care of my body but my mind as well.  That may mean reducing daily activities or taking more time off.  Self-care is vital to my mental health.  I must do this for myself as well as those who love me.  They deserve the best me I can give them.
  11. I have the right to reject unnecessary negativity and drama in my life, in all its forms, as much as possible to protect my mental health.
  12. I have the right to be who I am, the person God created me to be, no matter who approves or disapproves of me.  Just because I have a mental health issue does not mean I am not still a valuable member of society.
  13. Other people have the right not to understand what I am experiencing.  That does not give them the right to mistreat me, however, and I have the right not to tolerate their mistreatment of me.
  14. Other people have the right to ask me questions about C-PTSD.  I have the right to answer those questions or not, depending on my ability to answer them, and depending on how I feel God wants me to respond. 
  15. I have the obligation to make my pain count for something.  God is not into waste, and I am not either!  I have the obligation to ask God how to use this pain for His glory.  He may call me to raise awareness of C-PTSD, help create stricter laws against child abusers, write books or something entirely different.  Whatever He asks of me, I always have the right to say no to- He will not love me any less.  However, doing what God asks of me will not only bless others, but me as well.  God will reward my faithfulness.

 

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