Demanding Partners

Being romantically involved with a demanding partner is a miserable experience.  It’s not something I could do ever again!  If you are wondering what is happening with your partner, I hope to help you understand him or her better today & find ways to cope.

Demanding partners expect their partners’ lives to revolve around theirs.  If the partner makes plans or buys something without checking first with the demanding partner, the demanding partner is clearly offended & angry.

Demanding partners are entitled, & expect the world to revolve around them.  If both partners have a need, the demanding partner’s needs always come first even if the other partner’s need is equally or even more important. 

Demanding partners expect to be in charge.  They have final say in what friends they have, what cars the couple buys, where they live & even what they do for holidays.  What their partners say is irrelevant, because clearly a demanding partner is the only one who is allowed to make decisions.

Demanding partners who don’t get their way act like spoiled, pouting children.  They get angry & accuse others of being thoughtless, insensitive, selfish & more.  Or, they use passive/aggressive tactics such as the silent treatment, deliberately forgetting to do things for their partner or doing those things badly.

Demanding partners don’t like to be inconvenienced in any way.  If they have to wait on their partner, they get angry.  If their partner asks a favor of them, they may do it, but clearly resent being burdened by the request even when the favor is a small one.

Demanding partners have bad tempers.  The slightest thing can make them disproportionately angry, & not only with their partners.  Being cut off in traffic, someone accidentally butting in line in front of them at the grocery store or a co worker getting a raise can trigger their rage just as easily as their partner forgetting to do something for them.

Demanding partners are exhausting!  Being with someone like this means you have to work hard constantly if you want to keep them happy.  You have to do for them & anticipate their needs & wants.  You have to expect no gratitude for your efforts, only more demands.  You also may have to hear about how you never do anything for this person, you can’t do anything right, you should try harder, & for them to change their minds about what they want on a constant basis. 

If this describes your partner, then my heart truly goes out to you!  It is a miserable way to live! 

If you have tried speaking to your partner about this behavior, how does he or she react?  If your partner is upset by the fact their behavior has hurt you, this is a good sign!  Sometimes people are so caught up in the busyness of their life or some emotional pain that they behave in very selfish & insensitive ways.  People like that can change if they want to, & seeing someone they love hurting because of their actions is a great motivator for them. 

If your partner responds by being defensive or trying to deflect the conversation onto your faults, this is a huge red flag.  That is a sign of seriously dysfunctional, if not narcissistic, behavior.  You are going to need to decide whether or not this relationship is worth continuing.

Authoritarian Parents

Many narcissistic parents fall into the category of being authoritarian parents.  In other words, they demand strict obedience to their authority from their children.

Authoritarian parents accept no excuses for disobedience.  Their children are to ignore anything that might go against obeying their parents.  If the parent wants their child to do something, it doesn’t matter if that child is sick or otherwise physically unable to do that task.  The child must do it or face serious consequences for their perceived disobedience.

They also do not have any interest in their children’s feelings or needs.  So what if the child wants to join the drama club in school?  The authoritarian parent wants that child to play football.  This means that child will be playing football, & not be allowed to participate in the drama club.

As children of authoritarian parents get older & want to begin dating, this is a real problem for these parents.  A boyfriend or girlfriend could interfere with the control the parent has over the child.  I experienced this myself.  When I told my mother I’d asked a boy to a school dance, she told me no man would ever want me because I was so pushy.  A few years later when I wanted to date, she would rage at me daily for this, calling me terrible names, accusing me of terrible things I hadn’t done & telling me how awful he was even though she knew nothing about him at that time.  This is pretty typical behavior of authoritarian parents in this situation.

They also want their children to remain children indefinitely.  While their bodies don’t stop maturing, they hope to stunt the growth of their minds.  This happens by various devious means, such as treating the child as if she or he is incapable of doing things to the parent must do them instead, talking to the child as if he or she is much younger & reminding the child of all of the things the parent has done for that child because the child couldn’t do those things.

Growing up in this way is obviously very damaging to a child.  Children of authoritarian parents don’t have a balanced view of authority.  How could they considering they grew up with the main authority figure in their life being so demanding & cruel?

Some children grow up & rebel against any authority.  They don’t tolerate anyone telling them what to do & sometimes even asking them to do things.  Often someone like this is a spouse that is incredibly procrastinating of things their spouse nicely asks them to do.  These people became fed up with being ordered about, & are simply done with it.  Any hint of someone else bossing them around & they shut down.  They may exhibit passive/aggressive behaviors to avoid doing what they are told, such as doing the task badly or doing it only on their schedule, ignoring when the task needs to be done.

Many children go in the exact opposite direction, & become very submissive.  Nothing is too much to ask of this person.  There isn’t even a need to ask nicely.  That person is always willing to do as told, no matter who is telling them to do what.  They can become extreme people pleasers.  It is likely that eventually as an adult, this child will become fed up with being such a people pleaser.  Sometimes they even go too far in the opposite direction for a while, refusing to do anything they are told to do or getting disproportionately angry when someone asks them to do something.  That behavior often doesn’t last terribly long though & they become more balanced in time.

If this post describes you, then please know you’re not alone & all is not lost!  Ask God to help you however you need.  Consider the authority figures in your life from an objective & logical point of view.  Are you respecting their authority or not?  If you give in too much, how can you set healthy boundaries with people?  If someone asks you to do something & your natural reaction is to rebel, how can you improve your attitude?  Study boundaries, too.  Learning more about where you end & others begin can be very helpful in learning balance in this area.

How Close Is Too Close In Families?

Most people want to be a part of a close knit family.  That can be a wonderful thing, but there is also such a thing as being too close.

Some examples of being too close are as follows:

• When boundaries aren’t respected or are non existent in a family.
• Parents not allowing their children privacy, no matter the age.  Parents that look through their children’s diary, bedroom, wallets, purses, cars, etc.
• Parents relying on their children for emotional support, which is parentification.
• When parents discourage their children from growing up & becoming independent.
• When adult children’s lives center around their parents.
• When married adult children prioritize their parents over their spouse.
• When adult children will tolerate anything because they are afraid to deal with the fallout of saying no.
• When someone marries into the family, & is treated like an outsider while frequently being reminded they aren’t good enough & never will be.

Families that display this type of behavior are known as enmeshed families.

Enmeshment is an extremely dysfunctional family dynamic.  It may be passed down through generations, it can be brought about by a family experiencing trauma, abuse, illness or it can be due to engulfing narcissistic parents.

Children who grow up in this type of environment suffer for it.  They are often burdened with trying to care for their parents when they aren’t prepared to do so, which leaves them feeling overly responsible for the feelings of them as well as others.  These children also lack a connection to their wants, needs & feelings due to prioritizing their parents’ over theirs.  They grow up not nearly as independent as they should be, often expecting their parents to tell them what to do with their lives in every area including things only they should decide like when to move out or who to marry.

This treatment also leaves children in a confused state.  In one way, they are child like, yet in another they are supposed to be wise & mature enough to handle their parent treating them like a friend or substitute spouse.  They also lack the ability to self sooth in tough times, are very disconnected from their emotions & often suffer with anxiety.  Relationships are a challenge & healthy one are impossible because the parents are always their top priority.

Once the child of an enmeshed family realizes what is happening, he or she is rarely supported.  Outsiders see the family’s facade of being close & happy, & believe that is true.  When this usually adult child begins to speak about the problem, people often minimize or invalidate his or her concerns because they have seen only the close, happy family facade.  They believe this person’s concerns to be unsubstantiated, & he or she should just be glad to have a close family.  Whether intentions are good or bad when saying this, it still is very upsetting & invalidating when you are in this situation!

If you are in this situation, there is hope!  To heal, you need to lean on God first.  He will help you to see what you need to do & how to do it.

You also need to start learning about & setting boundaries.  This is tough, but it can be done.  Start very small, such as not answering the phone every time your parent calls or if they want you to come visit a certain day, try to do it another day.  Tiny steps like this give you some power.  That power enables you to set more boundaries & more yet.  Before you know it, you’ll have this boundaries thing down pat!

Get to know yourself.  The real you, not the you your parents say you are.  Learn about your likes, dislikes, goals, morals, beliefs, strengths, weaknesses & everything you can possibly think of.  Accept your feelings on everything without judgment or criticism, & question if these feelings are truly yours or your parents’.

Recognize you have no valid reasons to feel guilty for doing this.  You aren’t harming anyone & you are helping yourself.  Your parents are going to hurt at first, but that isn’t a bad thing.  You need your independence & are entitled to it, & they need to learn a healthier way to live.

Remember, you can do this & be so much stronger, healthier & happier than ever before!