Music Can Be Healing

My life has not had a lot of positive constants to say the least.  This is typical for any victim of narcissistic abuse.  One of the few positive constant things has been music, & I thought it would be a good idea to discuss that today.

Growing up with narcissistic parents, I learned early on that my job was to take care of & please them no matter any personal cost.  I also learned that any needs, wants, feelings, thoughts I had were unimportant.  While experiencing this, books became a wonderful escape for me.  When reading, I could be transported somewhere that this sort of abuse wasn’t happening.  Eventually though I had to put the book down & rejoin reality.  Thankfully, I discovered music when I was in the sixth grade.

Music didn’t offer quite the same escape as books did, but possibly it was even more helpful & powerful.  Reading, as wonderful as it can be, forces you to focus on it a lot so you don’t miss the details or lose your place.   Music is different. You can listen to music while you do pretty much anything, & still reap its benefits.  It also was the one thing that my narcissistic mother couldn’t ruin or take away from me, although she certainly tried to.  I simply listened to other artists or genres until I found something that spoke to me. 

As I got older, I clung to music, & still do.  I have certain genres & artists whose music is especially powerful & even healing to me.  My hope in sharing this with you is that you will discover the same for yourself.

Everyone’s taste in music is different, so please understand that whatever music helps you, that is ok!  There is no right or wrong.  What I am sharing today is just some information for you to consider when choosing your own music preferences.

As a new Christian in my mid 20’s, I thought the only acceptable music for Christians was gospel or worship music.  For some reason, these aren’t my favorite genres.  However, “Testify To Love” by Wynonna Judd & Bob Carlisle’s “Shades Of Grace” album never fail to touch my heart, & make me feel closer to God than usual.

As time went on, I got back into music I had loved prior to becoming a Christian.  Being a teenager in the 1980’s, I have a fondness for 80’s music.  Back then, I listened to anything from pop to heavy metal.  Even now, I still listen to it often.  This music takes me back to a time when although my life was very difficult, I still had one thing that was all mine, & it was something no one could ruin for me.  It feels good to remember that feeling.

I also like some country music.  My father was a big fan of outlaw country, like Waylon Jennings & Johnny Cash, & I remember him playing it when I was a little girl riding in his car.  That was fun, & now that car is mine.  Listening to it in that car reminds me of some good memories I have.  As an adult, I also discovered some country artists I love whose music reminds me to be proud of my roots, as my granddad instilled in me.  Loving the sound of their music is just a bonus.

There are other certain songs of random genres that I adore which also remind me of my roots.  Celtic & Native American Indian music often speak to me on a deep level, thanks to my Irish & Native American Indian heritage.  They make me feel a connection to ancestors I wasn’t fortunate enough to meet, & considering how interesting many of them were, this is a very good thing.  I also periodically enjoy some opera, classical, & instrumental nature music.  A song I enjoy from such genres isn’t common for me, but it always will create a sensation of peace & serenity. 

Lastly, I am a huge fan of a lot of heavy metal music.  I know, this is hardly everyone’s preferred genre, but it still inspires me.  It empowers me too.  There is so much passion that goes into songs of this genre & it seems to pass along to me when I listen to it.  I can’t not enjoy that especially considering how much time in my life has been spent feeling powerless.

I realize my taste in music could best be described as “don’t judge me”, & isn’t for everyone.  I hope in spite of that, you will consider what I have said & find what music has a powerful affect on you as my choices do on me.

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Some Common Signs Of Disrespect In Families

Most people have had to deal with disrespect in our families at some point.  Whether it’s gossiping & sharing private information, a fear of saying no, belittling & criticizing, blaming others for our problems, ridiculing someone for making a mistake, taking advantage of others, clique-like behavior where some are excluded, or giving the silent treatment, disrespect in families obviously can take many forms. It’s not only emotionally damaging to the victims of this abuse, but it can also have long-term effects that may not be immediately apparent.

Today, we’ll explore the various types of disrespect in families & how to handle them.

Note that these behaviors can be signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but even people without the disorder can behave in these ways sometimes.  If you’re unsure if your relatives are narcissists, how you deal with their disrespect will show you.  Narcissists get angry or act like a victim when confronted on their bad behavior.  Healthy people offer genuine apologies & change their behavior.

One of the most common forms of disrespect in families is when one member is too afraid to say no to the requests of another.  This fear of saying no can be rooted in fear of punishment or fear of being rejected, but it can also be a sign of a lack of respect for the person’s autonomy.

Making unreasonable demands is another hallmark of disrespect in families.  When people like this are told no, they become angry, accusatory or use guilt in an attempt to manipulate the other person into doing their will.  The demanding person clearly shows they don’t respect their family member’s time or their other relationships when they behave in this way.

Disrespectful relatives also will take advantage of each other at any opportunity. Not only with unreasonable demands, but with anything. Worse yet is when many do this, they act like they are being good to their relative.

Another common form of disrespect in families is belittling & criticizing.  This can be anything from making snide comments about someone’s appearance or abilities to outright insults.  This type of behavior is often rooted in a lack of self-esteem, but it can also be a sign of a lack of respect for the other person or even narcissism.

Blaming others for their problems is yet another common form of disrespect in families.  This can be anything from blaming someone for not doing something right to blaming them for something they had no control over.  This type of behavior is often rooted in a lack of accountability & is an obvious sign of a lack of respect for the other person.

Ridiculing someone for making a mistake is another form of disrespect in families. This type of behavior is often rooted in a desire to be seen as superior or to put someone else down in order to make one’s self feel better.  It’s a sign of a lack of respect for the other person & can be damaging to their self-esteem.

If you are the victim of disrespect in your family, it is important to know that there are steps that you can take to address the situation. Here are some tips for dealing with disrespect in families:

• Pray.  Ask God to give you insight into your situation, wisdom on ways to cope & strength & courage to do whatever you need to do.
• Take Care Of Yourself: Before confronting the situation, take care of yourself by finding healthy ways to cope with the situation.  This may include talking to a trusted friend or counselor, practicing self-care activities, or engaging in activities that nurture your mental & physical health.
• Set Boundaries: It is important to set boundaries & make clear what kind of behavior is & is not acceptable.  Communicate these boundaries to those involved & make sure that they are respected.  If they aren’t respected, be prepared to give consequences, such as creating some distance between you & the other person.
• Focus On Solutions: Work together as a family to come up with strategies for addressing the situation & for improving communication & relationships within the family.  If your relative in question is a narcissist, clearly this won’t work since they don’t want solutions.  In that case, focus on finding ways to protect yourself from this toxic individual.

Dealing with disrespect in families can be a difficult & traumatic experience, but it can be done.  You can handle this situation!

The Unfortunate Reality Of Trying To Please Narcissistic Parents

Children of narcissistic parents often struggle to please their parents & make them think they are good, & not the terrible person their parents say they are.  Sadly, no one ever can be good enough for their narcissistic parents.  Eventually, they realize this, & a desperate attempt to gain the approval of their parents can manifest in self-sabotaging behaviors.

One way they try to obtain their parents’ approval is by trying activities they are not qualified for, such as taking on high-level jobs or starting businesses they don’t have the skills to manage.  This can lead to failure, which they may use as evidence to prove their parents’ belief that they are inadequate.

In an effort to gain their parents’ approval, children of narcissistic parents may marry people they are not compatible with, but their parents like.  They may think that by marrying someone their parents like, they will be able to gain their parent’s approval, even if the relationship is not a healthy one.  They prioritize their parents’ approval over their own happiness.

Another way they attempt to gain their parents’ approval is when children of narcissistic parents get into a lot of debt & then rely on their parents to help them pay it off.  This can be a way for them to prove their parents right by showing that they are unable to manage their finances & need their parents’ help.

In order to stop this destructive cycle, it’s vitally important to recognize that you deserve better than this.  You are a child of God!  Galatians 3:26 in the Amplified Bible says, “For you [who are born-again have been reborn from above—spiritually transformed, renewed, sanctified and] are all children of God [set apart for His purpose with full rights & privileges] through faith in Christ Jesus.”  God is the only parent whose approval you should seek!  Seek Him & nurture that relationship.  He will give you that love & approval you want & more.

It’s also very important to focus on building self-esteem.  Study what the Bible says about you.  God has very definite & wonderful opinions of His children, & learning those things will help build your self-esteem.

It also will help you to learn how to have realistic expectations of not only yourself but your parents as well.  If you view yourself & them realistically, you won’t be disappointed when you make mistakes or hurt when they’re so critical because you know that is just what they do.

And, while the Bible says we are to honor our parents, that doesn’t mean we are to allow them to determine how we feel about ourselves.  Your self worth doesn’t need to depend on how they see you.  It needs to come from learning what God says about you & from within.  Honoring them also doesn’t mean that you have to tolerate anything they say or do to you, no matter how cruel.  You can have healthy boundaries & honor your parents, although I’m sure narcissistic parents will disagree with that statement.  I wrote a small book on the topic called “How To Honor Abusive Parents”, & it’s available on my website at www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com or at this link.

Learn to release the hope of ever gaining your narcissistic parents’ approval.  Also get to know God as your Father, learn to love & accept yourself & have realistic expectations of your parents.  You will be much happier for it!

Narcissists Can Fake Empathy

Narcissists are without a doubt the best actors & actresses.  They deserve awards for their incredible ability to convince people of whatever they want to convince people of at any given time.  That is why they are able to convince so many people that they are wonderful, talented, loving & kind. 

One of the ways that showcase their acting skills the best is their ability to fake empathy.

Before I go any further, you need to understand what empathy really is.  True empathy is the ability not only to understand what other people feel but why they feel as they do.  Even if you haven’t been in their specific situation, you are able to understand how they feel.  You care about other people & feel consideration for them.  Your behavior reflects this.

Clearly, this isn’t something narcissists are capable of doing.  They can’t relate to other people like this, nor do they want to care how they feel or why they feel as they do.  They may recognize a person feels happy, sad or angry, but they have no idea exactly why they feel that way.  The closest they come to real empathy is being able to understand that certain things upset people, but rather than using this knowledge to be kind, they use it to control, manipulate or hurt people.

Narcissists never start off any relationship by showing their true colors.  If they did, no one would involve themselves with any narcissist.  Instead, they use deceptive tactics to lure victims in, such as mirroring their likes, dislikes, morals, & beliefs.  When they meet someone who is kind, they fake empathy.  They show their new love interest how understanding they are.  The victim feels so validated & understood.  Once their victim feels secure & has fallen in love with this narcissist, the mask comes off & that empathy that drew them in vanishes, leaving the victim wondering how to get it to come back.

Narcissists also will display empathy in the midst of a relationship once in a while as a means to keep their victim feeling mentally off balance, make them willing to do anything to please the narcissist to bring it back, & basically just to torture them.  It gives a victim such hope that there is some decency in the narcissist when they see them display some empathy, which is why they are willing to do anything to help the narcissist see it needs to stay permanently.  When the narcissist returns to their cruelty, it is devastating.  At one point before I learned about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I thought my mother was finally seeing the truth about how badly her behavior hurt me.  One day, she said she realized she made mistakes raising me.  She seemed sincere & genuinely sad about it.  I can’t describe the hope I felt when I thought she finally recognized how much pain & suffering she caused me!  I said, “Really?”  She replied by saying, “Of course I did.  Just look how you turned out.”  It felt like she drove a knife straight into my heart.

If someone you know treats you with a constant lack of genuine empathy, chances are very good that you are dealing with a narcissist.  If you can, ending the relationship is certainly in your best interest.  If you are unable or unwilling to do so at this time, then you need to pray a lot!  Ask God to help you to find ways to deal with this person.  Also remember that no matter what this person may say or do, they truly have no genuine empathy for you or anyone else.  Remembering that will help you not to be disappointed or devastated by their constant lack of empathy, because you know this is simply how this person is.  

Betrayal Is More Than Infidelity

Betrayal is an extremely painful & confusing experience.  The worst part is that it doesn’t come from strangers or acquaintances.  It comes from those closest to you.

Betrayal takes many forms.  Betrayal can mean being unfaithful to your partner or course, but it also can mean lying, hiding information that you need to know, prioritizing someone else over you when it should be the other way around or using or taking advantage of you.  It even can mean defending someone who has wronged you instead of supporting you.  Betrayal is incredibly painful,& no matter what form it takes, it can leave you feeling hurt & confused. That being said, you can heal from the pain of betrayal.

The most important step in healing from betrayal is to seek help from God.  When it comes to betrayal, it can be easy to feel like no one can understand what you are going through.  It is important to remember that God knows & understands every emotion that you are feeling.  He will not judge you for feeling hurt & betrayed, & He will be there to listen & provide comfort when you need it.  You can talk to God about your feelings, & He will provide you with the strength to cope with the betrayal.

It can also help to read God’s Word to receive comfort & guidance. His Word is full of stories of people who have gone through betrayal & have been able to find strength & solace in God. Reading these stories can help you to feel less alone & to understand that God is with you on this journey.

God is the ultimate healer & comforter, & He will be glad to help you to find the strength & courage to heal & to move forward.  Pray & ask God to help you to forgive, to heal, & to find the peace & strength you need to move on when necessary.

When you’ve been betrayed, it’s important to take the time to recognize & process your emotions.  It can be tempting to ignore your feelings or try to rush through them, but that is counter-productive.  Instead, allow yourself to really sit with your emotions, whatever they may be.  Don’t judge or criticize how you feel.  Just accept how you’re feeling & give yourself whatever time you need to fully process your emotions.  If you need to, write about your feelings in a journal, or talk to a trusted friend.

When it comes to processing your emotions, it also can be helpful to remember that it’s ok to be angry.  Anger is a valid emotion & it’s ok to express it in a healthy way.  It’s also ok to cry.  Crying can help to release some of the built-up emotion & tension, & is incredibly healing.

Another important step in healing from betrayal is to re-evaluate the relationship with the person who has betrayed you.  If someone has betrayed you, & then repeated that behavior even after knowing that it has hurt you or betrayed you in a different way, then it’s time to re-evaluate that relationship.  This can be hard, especially if it’s a close family member or friend, but it’s important to remember that your own wellbeing should always come first.  Always remember – someone who knowingly hurts you, especially repeatedly, doesn’t deserve your love & loyalty.

No matter what form betrayal has taken, it can be incredibly painful & confusing. But, with God’s help & by taking the time to recognize & process your emotions, you can heal & move forward.

Siblings In Narcissistic Families

Although I’m an only child, I’ve talked to many people who have siblings & narcissistic parents.  Their stories are often quite similar.  Following is some of what I have seen in these situations.

There is that one child who is the “good” one who can do no wrong, also known as the golden child.  There is also a scapegoat who receives all the blame for the problems in the family.  There are also some other possible roles for children in this family.  The lost child is the one whose parents mostly ignore them.  The family screw up is similar to the scapegoat in that he or she can do nothing right but they also aren’t necessarily to blame for all problems.  Lastly is the family joker who constantly tries to lighten the mood of the dysfunction with humor. 

Whatever the child’s role, they are all simply trying to survive their environment however works best for them.  The golden child tries to please their narcissistic parents, often by making them look good or even imitating them.  The scapegoat tries to please them until they realize they can’t no matter what they do, & then they usually begin to rebel.  The lost child fades quietly into the background.  The family screw up tries pleasing their parents, even if it means failing to prove the parents are right about how awful they are.  The joker says or does anything, even inappropriate things, when things get too tense in an attempt to diffuse bad situations.  Sometimes, children follow in their narcissistic parents’ footsteps, & become narcissists themselves.  At the very least, they often display some narcissistic tendencies until they realize they dislike that behavior in themselves & make healthy changes.

These children continue their roles into adulthood, unless they understand the truth of their situation.  Usually the first one to recognize the dysfunction is the scapegoat.  Often, they try to get their siblings to see the truth, but are met with shaming, mocking &/or denial.  Scapegoats are also usually the first ones who sever ties with their family members because once they have seen the truth, they can’t return to the toxicity.  The other children bond even closer to their abusive parents & talk badly about the scapegoat when this happens. 

The remaining children, even as adults often with their own children & even grandchildren, remain blindly loyal to their parents.  They won’t hesitate to hurt their spouse, children or grandchildren by keeping their narcissistic parents as their top priority.  Of course, they don’t think they are doing anything wrong.  After all, they’re just helping out their parents & that certainly can’t be wrong, according to them.  They often are sanctimonious about how much they do for their parents, & judge other siblings for not doing enough.  In their minds, this relationship with their parents proves they are good people & part of a loving, close family. 

Once the narcissistic parents are gone & only their adult children remain, things can get interesting.  Sometimes, they simply go their own ways, losing contact with each other.  Other times, they continue their dysfunctional relationships with each other.  In some ways, it’s almost as if their parents are still alive.  They still see each other as their parents saw them.  Even after their parents have died, they still treat each other as their parents taught them to, basically carrying out their parents’ tradition of abuse.

If this is your situation, please know you’re not alone!  There are so many people with similar stories.  Find some support.  There are online forums that can help.  My Facebook group is full of caring, kind, supportive people with all kinds of experience with narcissistic abuse.  Talking with others with similar stories will help you so much.  Learn all you can about Narcissistic Personality Disorder & healing from narcissistic abuse, too.  Read books & blogs, watch YouTube videos, listen to podcasts.  There is a great deal of information out there.  Most of all, never forget to pray.  God wants to help you!  Tell him whatever you’re experiencing & ask for His help to heal & cope.  He will be more than happy to help you!

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I hope you’ll check it out at the link below. It’s a universal link, & will show you all the places the book can be purchased so you can purchase it from your favorite ebook retailer. If you don’t see your favorite retailer, feel free to email me (CynthiaBaileyRug@aol.com). I can sell it to you directly after I convert the book into your desired format.

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Using The Term “Narcissist” Appropriately

Seeing the term Narcissistic Personality Disorder or narcissist happens all the time.  Flip through magazines or social media, & you’ll come across articles with titles like, “Is Your Partner A Narcissist?”  You also may notice people who talk about someone selfish, & they describe that person as a narcissist.  Unfortunately, the terms get used quite easily, & that can do a lot of damage. 

Experiences of victims of narcissistic abuse are minimized when a person who can be selfish is labeled as a narcissist.  When someone has suffered some of the most mind altering & damaging abuse possible at the hands of a narcissist hears someone call another person who had a selfish moment a narcissist, it diminishes the severity of narcissistic abuse.  It makes narcissism sound like it’s nothing more than simple thoughtless behavior.  This can make a victim feel like they’re oversensitive, exaggerating the severity of their experiences, are weak or foolish for developing C-PTSD after the abuse & more.  This mirrors what narcissists do to their victims.  One very common tactic they use is making their victims feel like something is very wrong with them for being traumatized by the abuse.  If they can accomplish this, it creates shame in the victims, which means they are more willing to tolerate more abuse which means they will be easier to manipulate & control.  Even if this is not the goal of someone calling the average selfish person narcissistic, shame is still the result.  Shame was already there, & this person is adding to it.  It’s a cruel thing to do to victims!

When the word narcissist is used too easily, it also minimizes narcissistic abuse in general.  If someone claims a narcissist hurt them by some basic selfish act such as standing them up on a date, this basically compares that experience to soul destroying narcissistic abuse.  Someone’s thoughtless or selfish behavior that isn’t their norm (as it is for narcissists) isn’t soul destroying.  Narcissistic abuse is.  Narcissists rarely act out of sheer thoughtlessness.  Yes, they do sometimes because they are so self centered they simply don’t deem others as worthy of their consideration.  However, the majority of the behavior of narcissists isn’t thoughtless.  They plan out everything they do for the purpose of using others to benefit themselves, manipulating or controlling others, & inflicting as much pain as they can possibly cause.  There is no comparison between someone who is selfish sometimes & a narcissist.  The damage they inflict is entirely different.

Using the term narcissist too loosely also minimizes just how bad narcissists truly are.  These people are evil.  They can use & abuse anyone without one iota of shame or remorse.  They can watch someone crying because of things they have done, & not feel one smidgen of concern or regret for hurting someone.  Things like this show they are NOT simply a person having a fleeting moment of being selfish or even the average selfish person.  These behaviors are evil!

I strongly recommend not using the term narcissist lightly.  It does so much disservice to their victims & the understanding of Narcissistic Personality Disorder that most people have.  The term needs to be used appropriately & when someone has displayed more than simple selfish or thoughtless behavior.  Consistently showing selfishness, constantly looking for praise either by bragging openly or slyly about themselves, lacking empathy, being manipulative, envious, entitled & unwilling to change their behavior in spite of knowing how much pain it causes others are some of the hallmark signs true narcissists show.  People who exhibit these behaviors are the true narcissists, & they need to be called out for what they are, not the average thoughtless person.

When Romantic Relationships Suddenly Turn Bad

The early days in a romantic relationship are so exciting.  You’re starting to get to know each other, & everything is new.  There is so much to learn too, which means you’re never bored.  You often have that butterflies feeling when you see your new partner.  You feel a deep loss when you aren’t together & count the moments until you’re together again.  These are totally normal.  What isn’t normal is when you start to feel that the relationship is extremely intense & it is moving much faster than you expected.  Intense & fast moving are potentially signs of something known as love bombing.

Love bombing is a technique used by abusers to lure their victims into a relationship.  It makes victims feel swept off their feet, & bonds them to an abuser quickly & powerfully.

Love bombers do much as the name suggests.  They use loving gestures to constantly shower extreme praise, attention & affection on their victims.  They tell victims things like they believe they are soul mates, no one has ever made the victim feel like this before, they have waited for someone like this victim their whole life or they never thought they would meet someone like the victim.  They often mention marriage shortly after meeting the victim, making them feel like this person is madly in love with them to consider such a serious commitment so early on.  Victims in this situation feel flattered, secure & even obligated to the love bomber because of this behavior.

In time however, the love bombing stops & the abuse begins.  Practically overnight, the love bomber goes from lavishing excessive praise & love on their victim to being manipulative, controlling & demanding.  They become upset when the victim sets boundaries or the victim is not available to them for even a sure period of time.  They may become disproportionately jealous, accusing their victim of being unfaithful even if the victim simply spoke someone of the opposite gender in passing.  They also insist on being in control of who their victim spends time with & how their victim spends their time.  In fact, these abusive people also limit who they allow in their victims’ lives.  They often isolate their victims from their friends & family members.  The fewer supportive, caring people in a person’s life, the easier that person is to control, which is why abusers are so quick to isolate victims.  They may even sabotage their partners’ job & render them unable to work.  This works well for abusers because not only are they eliminating their victims’ potential friends who might point out the abuser’s actions are wrong, they are creating a scenario where the victims must depend on them financially.  This leaves them unable to escape the abuse.  Abuses in these situations also are excessively critical to the point of being cruel to their victims as a way to make them feel badly about themselves.  The lower a person’s self esteem, the less likely that person is to protest the abuse & the more likely they are to tolerate anything done to them.  Abusers are also excessively volatile & unpredictable when relating to their victims while presenting an entirely different & better image to anyone outside the home.

If you are in this type of relationship, you can escape!  First of all, pray & ask God to show you what to do.  Follow what He suggests. 

You also can discuss your feelings with your partner.  Not everyone who love bombs is toxic.  Sometimes they are merely very dysfunctional.  Someone like this may be open to changing their behavior.  If they are, this is a very good sign!  However, if they aren’t & respond to what you say with anger or excuses, this is a huge red flag that you are dealing with a toxic person.  If at all possible, ending the relationship quickly is your best move!  Protect yourself!  You have every right to do so!

Why Narcissists Keep Victims Focused On Fixing Relationships

Narcissists simply must be in control of their victims at all times.  That power gives them a tremendous amount of narcissistic supply, basically a “high” to them.  That “high” is so addictive, they will do anything to attain it.  One of the ways they accomplish this is by making their victims focus on fixing the relationship.

A very effective way to do this is to blame their victims for everything that is wrong in the relationship to keep their victims focused on trying to fix the problems in this relationship.  In typical narcissist style, they are allowed to do anything they want, say anything they want, spend all the money in the relationship including money they didn’t earn, ruin outside relationships to the point of isolating victims & anything else they can possible conceive.  Yet they say victims are completely unreasonable if such things bother them.  They often deny doing anything wrong, but on the off chance they do, they quickly will spin the situation around to where the victim appears to be the problem.  If only the victim hadn’t said or done that thing, then the narcissist wouldn’t have needed to do what they did.  It’s all the victim’s fault for making the narcissist so upset that they acted that way. 

I remember my mother saying what she did to me in my teen years was for my own good.  It wasn’t abuse, she was “trying to save me from myself by using tough love.”   Sometimes she would give me the silent treatment.  I’d beg her to tell me what’s wrong & she either wouldn’t answer or say, “If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you.”  My first marriage was much the same way.  If only I would’ve agreed to the long laundry list of unreasonable things my ex husband wanted from me, our marriage would’ve been just fine, according to him.  I’ve had so called “friends” who were the same way.  If I didn’t do what they wanted, when they wanted it & how they wanted it done, I was to blame for their anger.  Like typical narcissists, their bad behavior was all my fault according to them.  I was the one to blame for problems in these relationships & I needed to fix the relationships.  They didn’t see the need to make any changes whatsoever.  As a result of them saying such things, I honestly believed that I was the problem in these relationships for a long time. 

I hope none of you reading this are in this relationship right now.  If you are, my heart truly goes out to you.  It’s such a dreadful place to be!  You can survive it though & without doing whatever unreasonable things the narcissist wants from you. 

Prayer is always the best place to start in any situation, but I think in particular when it comes to dealing with narcissists.  Ask God to give you wisdom, discernment, creative ways to deal with them, courage, strength & anything else you can think of.

When they tell you what’s is “wrong” with you, don’t blindly take that as truth.  Stop for a moment & consider what they say.  Ask yourself, does it make sense?  Is this truly something wrong with me or is it something the narcissist wants from me & is trying to manipulate me into doing?  It can be a challenge at first to lose that knee jerk reaction to accept anything they have to say without question, but the more you do it, the easier it gets.  Keep doing this & don’t beat yourself up when you slip up sometimes. 

Get to know yourself.  This is a great thing to do for so many reasons.  One being the more you know yourself, the easier it’ll be to identify truth from the narcissist’s accusations & manipulations.  Pay attention to what you really believe & how you really feel about everything.  It’ll help you get to know the real you, not who the narcissist says you are.

Learn about boundaries.  Figure out what you are willing & not willing to tolerate.  Then start small when you set them.  That will build your confidence to set bigger & bigger boundaries.

Never ever forget – it takes TWO people to make a relationship work, not ONE.  No matter how wonderful you may be, you alone are incapable of fixing any relationship.  Two people must work together to fix it, or it’ll never be fixed.

Encouragement For Those Still Married To A Narcissist

On my father’s first birthday after his death, I was thinking about him. God spoke to my heart & said my father asked Him to give me a message. “Encourage the weak, like me.” Immediately I knew what this meant. I learned after he died he stayed with my mother because he felt too weak to leave. (He & my mother were both narcissists, & they were each other’s victim as well as each other’s abuser.) When God said to encourage the weak, I knew I needed to encourage people who feel that same way my father did, who felt too weak to leave their narcissistic spouse.

I decided to make an annual tradition of this, so each January around my father’s birthday, I write a blog post on this topic.

For those of you reading who are in this situation, please know you really aren’t weak. I know you feel that way, but that doesn’t mean you truly are. It takes a lot of strength & courage to deal with a narcissist in any capacity, in particular when you live together.

It takes incredible tenacity to be able to maintain your sanity in the midst of narcissistic abuse. The intense gaslighting is so horrible. It can be nearly impossible to keep track of what is truth & what is the narcissist’s lies. Doing so speaks well of you! You have guts & strength! You aren’t even close to weak!

You also are strong because you haven’t committed suicide. Many victims of narcissistic abuse do this, & it certainly is understandable. It takes such an intense physical & mental toll on a person. But here you are, surviving! There’s that strength & tenacity again!

If you feel weak because you are still with the narcissist, don’t. I understand feeling that way, but it’s not a sign of weakness. Escaping a narcissist takes an incredible amount of work. They often destroy their victims’ finances by creating vast amounts of debt in their names. They prevent them from finding or holding down jobs. They keep them from reliable transportation so even if they can hold a job, they can’t get to & from that job. They destroy their victims’ self esteem to the point they don’t feel they can hold down any job, no matter how simple it is. They also isolate victims to remove their support system, & without that, they often lack the encouragement needed to get away. Not to mention it takes time to build up the inner strength to leave them. Often a lot of time. So many things can stop a person from escaping a narcissist, & not one of them makes the person weak.

If you feel weak for falling in love with the narcissist in the first place, don’t. They can be excessively charming & hard to resist. That’s how they lure their victims in. Anyone can fall for this! Narcissists are great actors & can fool even the most intelligent people. They also can convince their victims that they are exactly what the victim wants in a mate. That is no bad reflection on you at all! It only shows what a talented actor the narcissist can be.

I hope you realize by now that even if you’re still with your narcissistic spouse, you’re not weak. You’re human. Be proud of who you are, & don’t accept anything the narcissist says in an attempt to make you feel that you are anything less than the wonderful person you are!

The Victim Act

Both overt & covert narcissists share a fondness for portraying themselves as victims, although often covert narcissists are much quicker to use this tactic.  Overt narcissists prefer other people to see them as superior, but in a pinch, they will pull this victim act if necessary.

Narcissists use the victim act as a way to convince people that their victim is the real problem in the relationship.  It takes the focus off of the narcissist & places it on the victim.  This scenario is especially common when an overt narcissist marries a covert narcissist.  The covert calls attention to the overt narcissist’s behavior, which allows the covert narcissist to continue being abusive in the background.  The victim act also can be used when a narcissist is losing control of their victim as a way to manipulate other people into telling the victim they need to treat the narcissist better or to abandon the victim so he or she has no support.  Portraying themselves as a victim also can be a way for a narcissist to manipulate their victim.  The goal is to convince the victim that he or she is being cruel & needs to change their behavior to whatever the narcissist wants.  If the narcissist is convincing enough & the victim lacks knowledge of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the victim may believe that they are being unreasonable for wanting the narcissist to treat them with respect or that having boundaries with the narcissist are cruel. 

The victim act also gets narcissists plenty of attention, which is something they all crave.  They are seen in a good way, certainly much better than the person that they claim is their abuser.  They also have control over how other people see them by lying & creating a story to show them in their best possible light, the victim in the worst..  People who are unaware of the victim act often fall for it, & blindly support the narcissist while shunning whoever they claim to be their abuser.

Covertly narcissistic parents also portray themselves as victims to their children.  Often, they are able to convince their child that they need protection & coddling, so this draws the child into a sick emotionally incestuous relationship.  The child’s focus is so much on taking care of their parent, that often even as adults, they don’t recognize or acknowledge that this behavior is sick & abusive.

Victimized narcissists also have extreme double standards.  They are allowed to say & do anything to you, no matter how hurtful.  Yet, if you say or do the same thing to them, they claim you are abusive, bad, & the real problem in the relationship.

There are ways to differentiate someone who is playing the victim compared to someone who is a true victim.  True victims don’t talk badly about other people non stop.  They talk some about their abuser & what they did, but primarily they focus on their healing.  They also are guarded, not talking very openly with just anyone about their experience.  Narcissistic victims will tell anyone who will listen all about their pain.  And, narcissistic victims don’t take any responsibility in their situation.  A true victim will admit anything they did wrong, sometimes even accepting blame for the abuser’s behavior, especially in the early days of their healing.

If you have been on the receiving end of a narcissist’s victim act, my heart goes out to you.  I have many times & I know it’s not an easy place to be.  I learned from the experiences though.  I learned there always will be people who believe the narcissist’s outrageous lies over the truth, & nothing will convince them otherwise.  Let them go.  Their dysfunction is way more important to them than the truth, & nothing you can say or do will change their mind.  In fact, the more you try to change their minds, the more convinced they become that the narcissist is right about you.  Leave them & the narcissist to their toxicity & get away from it as fast as you can.  What people like that think about you isn’t important.  Your sanity is.

I also learned that this experience is great for teaching you who is safe & who isn’t.  Unsafe people blindly believe the lies.  Safe people don’t, they defend you & they abandon anyone who speaks or believes the lies.  Unsafe people will abandon you over the lies, & this is a good thing even when it hurts at first. 

I also learned just how much God loves His children.  During such times in my life, He comforted me, helped me to heal & let me know He would deal with these toxic people on my behalf.  These painful times brought me closer to Him, & that made it all worth it.

“You Should Just Leave”

Being in a relationship with an abusive person is incredibly hard.  The routine changes daily, so what was good yesterday is suddenly bad today.  There is also constant belittling, invalidating, crazy-making, & so much more.  Seeing someone suffering like this, many people’s first thought is, “you should just leave.”  When someone doesn’t “just leave” in a timely manner or doesn’t want to leave at all, people often become disgusted with this person.  They either lose patience with the person & end the relationship or they think this is a sign the abuse isn’t so bad.  They may even doubt the person really is being abused at all, since they won’t leave. 

What these people fail to realize is that there are many very valid reasons a person stays in an abusive relationship for too long.  Today we are going to discuss some of them.

Victims are often terrified of their abusers & for good reasons.  Their abuser may be physically violent, or has threatened violence.  Or, he or she may not have threatened violence specifically, but instead has done things like punch walls, break things or hurt the victim’s pets.  Such behaviors show that this person is capable of violence, & no threats need to be spoken to instill fear in someone witnessing these behaviors.

Abusers annihilate their victims’ self esteem, which convinces them they need their abuser.  A person with no self esteem doesn’t believe in themselves in any capacity, which means they don’t know that they don’t need to depend on another person.  In fact, the thought of living without their abuser telling them what to do, think & feel often instills blind panic in a victim.

Abusers convince their victims that can change, & this won’t happen again.  Everyone has heard a story of a woman whose husband beats her, she leaves, he promises it’ll never happen again & she goes back to him over & over.  This is a common scenario.  Abusers panic when their victims leave.  They shower their victims with love & affection, & they make all kinds of promises to lure their victims back, including the promise to treat them better.  Abusers can appear very believable at this point, which is partly why their victims give them another chance.

Victims rarely have any real support to help them leave.  Abusers isolate their victims from friends & family so they can abuse their victims without interference.  Victims are often completely alone by the time they are ready to leave.  Leaving is hard enough with support, but without?  It’s so much harder.

Victims also rarely have any money.  Abusers take their victims’ paychecks or make sure they can’t work so they are financially dependent on the abuser.  It takes money to move out so without it, they are stuck.

Victims stay to protect their children.  Many victims will tolerate the abuse as a way to protect their children.  Their abuser won’t hurt the children as long as he has the victim to hurt.  Or, maybe the abuser said if the victim leaves, he or she will hurt or kill the children.  Staying seems like the safer alternative.

Victims are shamed & chastised by so called “religious” people.  So many people twist Scripture around to make the victim look like the problem for ending an abusive marriage.  These people also refuse to acknowledge the seriousness of abuse, help the victim in any way & abandon the victim in their time of need.

The law isn’t always on the side of victims, & is no help.  If you have proof of physical abuse, your chances of help are pretty good.  However, not all abusers abuse physically.  Other types of abuse are either legal or hard to prove.  Emotional, sexual, financial & spiritual abuse all fall into those categories.

As you can see, leaving an abusive person isn’t easy.  If you ever think of saying, “You should just leave” to someone in an abusive relationship, I hope you will consider these reasons why it’s not so easy to “just leave.”  Or, if you are the one in an abusive relationship & someone tells you that you should just leave, I hope you will fill them in on why that is not possible at the moment.

The Day After Christmas

Even if I didn’t look at the calender, I still would know when Christmas & Mother’s Day are. The days surrounding both holidays are when my blog & site are the busiest. This year has been no different.

I am no exception to struggling this time of year. You can count on less than two hands how many decent Christmases I’ve had in my entire adult life. Making matters worse is the judgmental things people have said to me because I’m not happy about Christmas like most people. They say things like I just need to get over it & be happy, I need to celebrate the birth of Jesus since I’m supposed to be a Christian & more. <sigh> Got a bit of that nonsense this Christmas too, which is what made me think of writing to those of you who also have been on the receiving end of such treatment simply because of your lack of Christmas spirit.

When a person who has survived narcissistic abuse gets to this point of not wanting to celebrate Christmas, there is almost always a plethora of valid reasons for it. Narcissists love ruining things for their victims, & holidays are no exception. After all, the focus MUST be on them, & if it isn’t, they will make their victims’ life a living hell.

I think my situation was quite normal like this. My narcissistic mother in-law had to have Christmas her way. There was no excuse not to do things her way. Only her traditions were allowed & they had to be done only on Christmas day. Not Christmas eve, not the day after. Christmas day, period. This meant those of us who married into this family weren’t to consider spending the day any other way. Even mentioning the possibility was met with anger, disdain & comments like, “You will be here, right?”. This left me with two yukky options. Spend a miserable day with people who hated me or spend it alone while my husband spent it with them. As a result, I stopped celebrating Christmas many years ago. I did try to find ways to celebrate that I enjoyed or do things for my husband the few times he stayed home, but nothing made me like Christmas as I once did. People criticizing me for not being happy about Christmas just added insult to injury.

If you can relate, I just want to let you know it’s not just you! There are plenty of us out there who have lost interest in Christmas thanks to the narcissists in our lives. If you’re beating yourself up for your feelings, please just stop. Feelings show us when something is wrong, but the feelings themselves aren’t wrong. They just are. Honor your feelings. Feel them & process them how you need to.

Also remember, how you feel doesn’t mean you aren’t a “good Christian.” People created negative feelings in you because of their behavior. That has nothing to do with your faith. Your faith is there, whether or not you have or participate in a huge, fancy Christmas celebration. In fact, something I’ve noticed is many people who do have those huge & fancy Christmas celebrations have no real faith in God. They have the celebrations to keep up appearances or simply because that’s what they’ve always done.

It may help you to create new traditions, even ones that don’t celebrate Christmas per se, like going to dinner or watching your favorite movies. Sometimes those new traditions can help break the bad feelings. Sometimes, they don’t though, & you know something? That’s ok too. Not pleasant of course, but it’s ok. You can’t always help how you feel. Sometimes there was too much damage done, & you can’t fix it. Don’t beat yourself up for that & don’t let anyone else do it either! They aren’t you, & they have no right to criticize you for how you feel! Just take good care of yourself! ❤️

If you have read this & disagree with what I have said, please keep your opinions to yourself. Criticizing the feelings & views of those of us in this situation won’t fill us with Christmas spirit. In fact, it only adds to the negative feelings. I’d just as soon spare my readers from that. Also, I’d like to suggest you take a moment to realize how very blessed you are that you weren’t made to feel this way. That truly is a wonderful thing, & I sincerely hope you appreciate that!

Romantic Relationships With A Covert Narcissist

Relationships with covert narcissists aren’t always easy to recognize.  That is why today we are going to address signs that you are in a relationship with a covert narcissist.

Unlike their loud, boorish overt counterparts, covert narcissists come across as quiet & unassuming, often times even a bit naïve in the early days of a relationship.  They tend to be the type of person that can blend into the background, & doesn’t need to be the center of everyone’s attention.  They may not share much about their feelings early on, & they tend to mirror back to their victim by claiming they like similar things or share similar feelings.  It can seem a bit insincere, but that easily can be attributed to timidity, inexperience with dating or maybe social awkwardness.  In any case, it gets overlooked because they obviously want to know everything about their partner.  Being the focus of this undivided attention makes a person feel very special, so many flaws will go unnoticed.

Covert narcissists also want the relationship to move quickly.  They claim their new partner is their soul mate, they never met anyone so wonderful or they have looked for someone just like their partner for their entire life.  They quietly make their victim feel swept off their feet.  Even if this person is not the usual type the partner is interested in, they quickly ignore any doubts.  After all, the narcissist seems so sincere.

Once the victim is in this place, they begin to notice small changes in the narcissist.  Maybe he no longer calls his victim during his lunch break at work every day, or maybe she answers his texts hours later instead of only minutes.  In any case, something feels a bit off which makes the victim try harder to please the narcissist.  The relationship becomes consuming, & the victim’s other relationships may disappear.  The covert narcissist often says this is proof that those people really didn’t care about the victim, not like the narcissist does. 

The criticisms often start at this point.  Suddenly the victim is no longer the most beautiful woman the male narcissist has ever seen but instead could stand to lose a few pounds.  Or maybe the female narcissist stops complementing her victim’s handsomeness & makes comments about co workers or celebrities she finds handsome.  The criticisms always will be subtle & indirect.  He won’t say she’s fat, but imply she might feel better about herself if she lost some weight, for example.

The narcissist does other things that are off putting to their victim as well.  They may suddenly not be affected by the victim’s complaints or flustered state.  They may opt to watch television, scroll through their phone or continue to eat dinner as their victim pours out their heart.  If the victim says the narcissist isn’t listening, he or she gets offended, claiming that isn’t true, sometimes without even looking away from the distraction.  Even worse, they say this in such a way that the victim feels guilty for being critical. 

This type of behavior only gets worse.  They respond to victims by claiming they only have their victim’s best interests at heart, & don’t understand how their victim could think otherwise.  Victims in these relationships explain things that should not need explaining about the narcissist’s cruel behavior, yet always seem to end up apologizing to the narcissist for what the narcissist did to them. 

Sex is loveless.  They have no desire to make love with their partner.  They often either want boring sex that doesn’t please their victim, they prefer time alone with pornography or they want their partner to act out things they have seen in porn.  Either way, their victim is left feeling rejected, undesirable or even repulsive to the narcissist.

Somehow in spite of all of this, the victim ends up feeling as if they owe the narcissist.  If the victim broke up with the narcissist then later returned, the narcissist won’t have a problem bringing this up as a way to make the victim feel guilty & as if they owe that narcissist to make his or her life better from now on.  If the narcissist pays the bills or at least the majority of them, he or she never hesitates to remind the victim of this. 

If this sounds like someone you are romantically involved with, please do yourself a favor & get away from this person immediately!  You deserve so much better!  Stop making excuses or denying this behavior is abusive.  It is inexcusable & very abusive!   I can tell you this from experience because I was once married to someone like this.  No one has any right or reason to treat you this way, no matter what you may have done or didn’t do.  Get away from this person.  Heal.  Find someone who truly loves you & appreciates you for the wonderful person that you are!

When Scapegoats Are Abused

The entire psychology around scapegoats fascinates me.  Having been one myself, I found it so hard to understand at first why it seems so many people have thought it perfectly acceptable to treat me badly, in particular those I’m related to.  Over the years, God has shown me quite a bit about that.

Scapegoats are often easy going & gentle people.  It takes a lot to get the average scapegoat to fight back against being abused.  That is partly why many scapegoats are targeted- they will tolerate more than the average person.  Narcissists love how much they are willing to tolerate.  It provides them a great deal of narcissistic supply, being able to abuse someone for long periods of time.

When scapegoats do fight back, they are often beyond furious.  Narcissists love this too.  They use their victims’ righteous anger to prove just how crazy & unreasonable they are.  Bonus for narcissists – they get the joy of calling the scapegoat mentally unstable for reacting to the abuse.

Narcissists also love making their flying monkeys abuse the scapegoat.  Not only does this mean that their scapegoat is being abused, but it also means that they have enough power over their flying monkeys to make them do their bidding.  That’s a pretty big power trip!

When my father was dying & our family attacking me for not breaking no contact to say good bye to him, God showed me some of their motivations.  I think they fit with those who abuse scapegoats in many situations, not only when a narcissistic parent is dying.

When scapegoats get healthy & are loyal to their new boundaries & beliefs, it upsets the dysfunctional people by proving that there is a problem with the family system.  Many dysfunctional people are too cowardly to face truth, & prefer to utilize denial.  The scapegoat’s actions showing there is a problem threatens that denial.  People in denial can’t tolerate that, so rather than deal with the threats, they do their best to shut down the person who faces the truth. 

Many flying monkeys are also narcissists, so they enjoy abusing just for the sake of abusing. 

Many of those narcissistic flying monkeys are covert narcissists, so in addition to abusing an innocent person, they also enjoy the whole image of looking like they’re just trying to help when they try to convince the scapegoat to tolerate further abuse by the original narcissist.

By abusing the scapegoat, they somehow prove to themselves that it’s ok to abuse that person.  If they can just get that scapegoat to accept the abuse without complaint, all will be right in their world.  The reason being, if abusing this person is normalized, then there is no need to be upset that they did nothing to stop the narcissist from abusing the scapegoat.  It proves to them that this person deserves whatever they have coming to them.  There would be no need to try to stop the abuse if the person deserves it.

If you are a scapegoat & either have been or are currently in such situations, please know that whatever the narcissist & their flying monkeys do or say to you is not about you.  You are not whatever they say you are!  You are simply on the receiving end of their dysfunction.  They are treating you badly because of their own issues, not because of anything you have done or anything you are.  I know that can be hard to remember sometimes, but please try to do so!  It truly can help you when these awful people attack!

Dealing With People Who Minimize Or Invalidate Your Trauma

I have lost track of how many people I have spoken with who have been faced with cruel people minimizing & invalidating their trauma.  Like these people, I’ve faced it myself.  Mostly from family but also from total strangers who have commented on my work.  This behavior absolutely infuriates me whether it’s aimed at me or someone else, because it is so far beyond WRONG!

People who behave this way have no idea that although the trauma may have happened in the past, it still affects the present.  When you have C-PTSD or PTSD, the past is constantly a part of the present, whether or not you want it to be.  Even if you have tried hard to heal & cope, some things are simply too odious to heal from in a lifetime.  That doesn’t make you flawed or broken.  It makes you human.

Also, what makes anyone think they have the right to judge another person for how they have handled trauma?  Do they honestly think they could have handled the situation better?  Or maybe to them, your trauma doesn’t sound so bad.  So what?  They aren’t you.  Things that devastate you may not affect them & things that devastate them may not affect you.  People are different.  That doesn’t make one person right & the other wrong in these situations.  It makes them different.  Contrary to what many people seem to think, different isn’t a bad thing!

Even people with good intentions can be invalidating.  Comments like, “I’m sure it wasn’t all that bad”, “You’ll be ok!” are just as invalidating & damaging as when someone’s intentions are deliberate & malicious.  When I was in high school, I spoke to my guidance counselor about the abuse at home.  One thing I told her was how my mother would scream at me every day, telling me how horrible I was.  She actually told me, “That doesn’t sound so bad.”  That was in 1989 & thinking about that still makes me angry!  It really was bad, I can assure you of that.

When this sort of thing happens to you, there are some things you can do.  Rather than accept the invalidation as fact, question it.  Ask God to tell you the truth about the situation & listen to what He has to say.  And, question the person saying what they did.  You can ask them why would they say that about something that clearly traumatized you, or why do they think it’s ok to be so heartless.  Questions like that can stop a person in their tracks.  Someone who didn’t intend to hurt you will be upset you said that but realize why you did.  They will apologize & be more sensitive to you.  Someone who did intend to hurt you will make excuses for what they said or blame you for being over sensitive or overreacting.

Another tactic that can help is repeating what the person said back to them.  As an example, let’s say you were robbed at knife point, & someone says that happened last year, so you shouldn’t be upset about it anymore.  You could respond with, “You know what?  You’re absolutely right!  I don’t know what I was thinking!  I shouldn’t be so sensitive.  I should just forget that someone robbed me & easily could have killed me.  That makes perfect sense doesn’t it?!”

You also need to have good boundaries.  If someone repeatedly invalidates you, you don’t have to tolerate it.  Let them know this isn’t something you will tolerate, & if they continue, you will have to hang up the phone or leave, then follow through if they continue. 

If this person continues to treat you this way in spite of knowing how much they are hurting you, you may need to end the relationship.  Naturally, that is your decision of course, but it should be a possibility in your mind, because you don’t deserve this sort of cruel treatment.

I hope you feel better equipped to deal with invalidating people now, because you deserve to be treated so much better than that!

Is It Really The Most Wonderful Time Of Year?

The Christmas season is a very difficult time of year for many people with narcissistic families & in-laws.  They make it an over the top, incredibly stressful time with their unrealistic demands & expectations, so it’s no wonder so many people dread this supposed “most wonderful time of year.”  I plan to offer some survival tips today to help you survive a dysfunctional family gathering if you can’t get out of it.

First & foremost, pray.  Ask God to give you strength, wisdom, courage & anything else you can think of that you may need.  Ask Him to guide your words, too.  I can’t stress enough how important prayer is at any time but in particular regarding dealing with narcissists.

Remember you aren’t dealing with normal, functional people.  You’re dealing with people who have unrealistic expectations that no one can possibly meet.  When you let them down, & you will, remind yourself of this.  The inevitable guilt trips & shaming will follow, but if you remember that their expectations are designed so others will fail as a way to hurt & control, it helps you reject the guilt & shaming.

Also remember why this get together is so important.  It’s not about enjoying time together with loved ones & celebrating a special day.  It’s about appearances, & portraying the family as a happy, functional family.  When you see family members getting along well, remember that it’s just an illusion to create narcissistic supply.  Don’t let it suck you in.

Another important thing to remember is narcissists use gifts as one more tool to manipulate & control others.  They may give expensive, extravagant gifts as a way to make the receiver feel indebted to them or make the narcissist appear overly generous, even martyr-like to other people.  They may “forget” to give someone a gift or give an obviously thoughtless gift as a way to make receivers feel that they aren’t worthy of the narcissist’s affections.  Another popular narcissistic motivation is trying to change the receiver.  Rather than give the receiver what they truly want or need, they give that person what they think they should have.  They give clothes in their taste, not the receivers.  They give supplies for a hobby or interest that the receiver has no interest in, but they do.  This happened to me.  I foolishly told my mother in-law I hated to cook a couple of months before Christmas one year.  I knew she & her daughters loved to cook, but naively thought it wasn’t important I didn’t share this quality with them.  For Christmas, my mother in-law & both sisters in-law gave me all kinds of cooking items like food, cookbooks, dishes & utensils.  Clearly this was supposed to spark a newfound love of cooking in me.  It failed, & I threw away or gave away everything.

When a narcissist gives you a gift, you can be sure that one of the motives I just mentioned is in play.  If you can remember that, it helps make receiving their awful gifts a bit easier.  You won’t feel guilty for giving away or throwing out what they gave you when you know the motives behind that gift were bad.

If you are in the unenviable position of being forced to deal with a narcissist around Christmas, prioritize yourself.  Set boundaries & stick to them.  Only spend a couple of hours with the narcissist instead of all day.  Remember the Gray Rock Method.  Keep all conversation superficial & divulge nothing personal.  Change the subject back to the narcissist instead.  They love to talk about themselves, so use this to your advantage!  If you get a terrible gift, show no emotion.  Simply say thank you, then once you have the opportunity, get rid of the terrible gift. 

It won’t be fun but you can survive this situation with your sanity in tact! You can do it!

A Message For Trauma Survivors

Those who survive trauma suffer a great deal beyond the traumatic events they endured.  They also struggle with anxiety, depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder & more.  Experiencing trauma changes how your brain works & how you think.  Because of this, today I want to remind those of you who survived trauma of some important things.

You are strong.  I know, you don’t feel that way but you are.  Even if you have some serious struggles with your mental health, you’re strong.  You survived what easily could have killed another person.  Yes, you have some damage from that but you still survived.  That is proof that you are strong!

You are valuable.  Abusers do love to convince their victims that they are useless wastes of space don’t they?  The fact is though that they only say this because it keeps their victims down & easier to control, not because they believe it.  In fact, if they work hard to convince you that you have no value, it only goes to show that they know you are valuable.  If they believed you truly to be worthless, why would they work so hard to convince you that you are worthless?

You are not to blame for the abuse.  I don’t care what your abuser said, you are not to blame for anything they did.  You never made that person hurt you.  Nothing anyone says or does can force another person to abuse them.  Get mad, sure.  Maybe even hit someone in extreme cases.  But, ongoing abuse is the result of the decision to abuse someone over & over again.  That decision is the sole responsibility of abusers.

You didn’t deserve the abuse.  Again, I don’t care what your abuser said.  Nothing you did means you deserved whatever your abuser did to you.  They chose to abuse because of something very fundamentally wrong with them, not because of anything you did.

If your abuser was someone you fell in love with, that isn’t a reason for you to feel stupid or be ashamed of yourself.  Abusers aren’t horrible all of the time.  If they were, they’d be easy to spot & avoid.  Abusers often portray themselves as just what their victim wants in a mate, which is why good people fall in love with them every day.

You are allowed to talk about what he or she did to you.  Abusers love their victims to stay quiet & will not hesitate to use anything in their power to make that happen.  They don’t want anyone to know what they have done or are doing because that might mean someone would think badly of them, give them consequences for their behavior or even stop them from abusing their victims.  The truth though is that this isn’t just their story.  It’s yours too, which means you have every right to discuss it as much or as little as you want.  If they want you to talk about them in a good way, they shouldn’t have abused you!  Don’t forget too that discussing it isn’t trying to ruin their reputation.  It’s simply telling what happened to you.

Your wants & needs are valid.  Your desire to be treated with basic common decency is valid.  Normal, even.  Your wants & needs don’t mean you’re “high maintenance”, needy or impossible to please.

Your emotions are also valid.  Just because your abuser said you are over sensitive, overreacting or can’t take a joke doesn’t mean these things are true.  Your anger & hurt over their behavior are valid, & perfectly normal under the circumstances.

It’s perfectly ok to take days off.  So many abusers convince their victims that they’re lazy, & that often sticks around long after the abuse is over.  I struggle with this myself, so I want to tell you what I tell myself.  There is nothing wrong with taking days off.  It doesn’t mean you’re lazy.  It means you’re human & need some rest.  Healing from abuse & living with the mental & emotional struggles are a lot of work!  Rest is essential anyway but especially when you’re trying to heal.

I hope this post helps you to remember these important points.  I wish you the best!

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Signs Of Trauma Bonding

Trauma bonding, also known as Stockholm Syndrome, happens in abusive relationships.  It is when a person has an unnatural attachment to someone who abuses them.  It sounds far fetched to many people, but it can happen.  When a person suffers abuse yet that abuser periodically does acts of kindness for them, that can create a trauma bond.  An example could be someone whose narcissistic parents were abusive his entire life, yet also bought him his first car, put him through college & gave him money without question any time he asked.  Their generosity caused him to feel a bond to his parents in spite of the fact they abused him during childhood then continued to abuse not only him but also his wife & children.

Just because a person does something nice for you periodically doesn’t negate their abusive ways!  Abuse is abuse, no matter what perks may come along with it, & anyone in an abusive relationship needs to keep this in mind. 

There are some signs of trauma bonding that can help you to recognize if this is happening or has happened to you.

When in a relationship with someone you are trauma bonded to, that person comes first, period.  If the abuser is a romantic partner, you feel addicted to them.  If the abuser is a parent, they come first in your life, even above your friends, spouse, children, yourself & yes, even God.  The trauma bond keeps that person the top focus of your life.

On those rare occasions they do something good or nice for you, you doubt yourself.  You think you are just overreacting to the abuse.  After all, they did this great thing, so they’re not all bad, right?!

When the abuser hurts you, you make excuses for their behavior rather than confront them.  He had a bad day at work, or she just didn’t realize that saying that would be upsetting.

The abuser hurts you over & over, yet you continually try to please this person.  No sacrifice is too great on your part, either.  You will do anything for this person, no matter the personal cost or the cost to those who love you.

You become very self destructive.  The abuser has trained you to think you’re a failure & you don’t deserve anything good, so you sabotage yourself in every way imaginable to meet their expectations.  An example is you take jobs that you aren’t qualified for so when you get fired, the abuser can say, “I told you so.”  Or, you become romantically involved with someone the abuser doesn’t approve of, so they tell you that person is awful, unfaithful, dragging you down, after your money, or other nonsense. 

You have very damaged or even no self esteem because of this person’s abuse.  You don’t believe you deserve respect or love.  You believe you don’t have any value, & therefore will tolerate any manner of abuse & depravity this person wants to inflict on you.  You are willing to compromise your morals & standards to please them.

If you see yourself in these signs, chances are you are in a trauma bond with an abuser.  No matter who the abuser is, if at all possible, end the relationship immediately.  You don’t deserve to be treated this way by anyone.  You DO have worth & value!  You matter!  Protect yourself & end this relationship.  Break the trauma bond, focus on your healing & live the good life that you deserve!

You Deserve Compassion & Kindness!

Once someone has been abused, often they quietly & obliviously develop the misguided belief that they are unworthy of compassion & kindness. 

Most likely this comes from their abusers constantly telling them that they are a burden, they’re stupid, do nothing but cause problems & other things that instill a deep root of toxic shame in victims.  That toxic shame tells people that their feelings, needs, wants, pains & every other thing about them aren’t valid. 

Add into this the phrase “victim mentality” & the shame society often inflicts on anyone who says they were a victim.  Clueless & often heartless people say victims should’ve just walked away, pulled themselves up by their bootstraps, they should stop living in the past & being so negative.  It makes people feel that they deserved the abuse, & are weak for being abused or even having PTSD or C-PTSD as a result of the abuse, which only adds to the toxic shame.

Even worse than the toxic shame is the fact that being on the receiving end of such treatment makes people doubt the validity of their pain over their experiences.  They may think they weren’t abused so badly since their parent didn’t beat them, or their abusive husband “only” forced her to have sex a few times.  Other people have it so much worse, so their experiences couldn’t be all that bad, right?  WRONG!  They were bad!  In fact, they were worse than bad.  They were atrocious!  Being abused is horrible, no matter how frequently one is abused or whether it was verbal, physical, sexual, spiritual or financial. 

After being on the receiving end of such treatment, is it common for people to think they’re awful people, whining about trivial matters, so they don’t deserve any compassion or kindness.  Today, I want to tell anyone who feels this way that they are ABSOLUTELY WRONG!  I don’t care what your abusers said you were or that other people maybe had it “worse” than you.  Your pain is valid.  Your experiences were terrible.  You did NOT deserve any of it.  And, you deserve compassion and kindness! 

Whether you are comfortable admitting this or not, the truth is you have been through some pretty horrific things.  Those things weren’t your fault.  You did nothing whatsoever to deserve them.  You aren’t a bad person because others said you were & treated you terribly.  Their behavior speaks much more about them than it does you.  And, it doesn’t mean you are undeserving of compassion & kindness.  You are as worthy of compassion & kindness just as much as any other person.  In fact, you are just as worthy as any other person in every possible way, period.

If you haven’t begun to focus on your healing, maybe today is the day to start.  It will benefit you so much to do so!  Admitting the abuse was wrong & painful is an excellent place to start.  Also recognizing that the way your abuser treated you truly had nothing to do with you but with your abusers is powerful for healing.  Get angry about the unfairness & cruelty of what was done to you!  That will help you to see that you didn’t deserve it, & you deserve to be treated so much better.  Pray, write in a journal, seek a counselor that specializes in trauma or whatever helps you to heal.  The more you heal, the more you’ll recognize that you are valuable.  The more you recognize your own value, the less poor treatment from other people you will tolerate.  You also will recognize what you deserve, & that includes to be loved, respected & treated compassionately & kindly. 

Blaming Abusive Parents Versus Holding Them Accountable

Life isn’t easy for adults who were abused by their parents.  The judgment of other people, often those who don’t know much if anything about the situation can be particularly painful.

Society as a whole says things like blood is thicker than water, forgive & forget, you only get one mother or father, they tried their best, & other such drivel.  Basically, this makes victims feel like holding their abusive parents accountable for their behavior is unfairly blaming them.  This is so wrong!

Blaming someone & holding them accountable are very different things!

Blame assigns responsibility for something done.  It is very critical & basically, the exact opposite of praise.  Blame is accusatory, & unwilling to listen to or consider anything other than the perception of the person doing the blaming.  It also implies shame, saying someone who did something is intrinsically bad.  Consider how narcissists speak as an example.  They blame others for making them act badly, for upsetting them & pretty much anything.  It also puts the person doing the blaming in a superior position, even if only in their mind.  Suddenly they become “good” & the other person becomes “bad.”

Holding someone accountable is different.  It states responsibility without the shame factor that is implied in blame.  It also means that you are responsible for your actions & you also are liable for them.  The person being held accountable is responsible for their actions, & can give satisfactory reasons for them.  Both people in this equation are equal, no one is “good or bad,” “superior or inferior”, unlike when blame is present.

I have spoken with a LOT of victims of child abuse as well as being one myself, which has taught me a tremendous amount about how adult victims of child abuse think.  One constant I have noticed is the lack of blame most victims have for their parents.  They don’t hate them, or feel superior to them somehow.  They would like to know why their parents treated them as they did. 

They also grew up believing that they were responsible for their parents somehow.  Abusive parents, in particular narcissistic ones, often engage in parentalizing behaviors, expecting their children to care for their needs instead of them caring for their children’s needs.  Or, the abusive parents looked to their children to fix some problems in their lives, such as their failing marriage.  These abusive behaviors led these children to feel as if they were betraying their parents if they blamed them for anything.  They excused the abuse or assumed responsibility for it themselves.

Once these children grew up & recognized their parents were abusive, they often still have trouble blaming their parents.  Instead, they hold their parents accountable, which is much more rational than blame anyway. 

Holding one’s abusive parents accountable for the abuse is perfectly reasonable.  It allows someone to have empathy for the struggles the abusive parent had that fueled their abusive ways while also allows this person to realize that setting boundaries or even removing such a parent from their life is sensible & reasonable.  This is what I did with my parents.  I recognized their dysfunction & why they were as they were.  My heart went out to them but since they weren’t willing to change their toxic ways, I had to set boundaries to protect my mental health. 

Narcissists clearly don’t handle blame or even holding them accountable well, in particular when this comes from their child, but their response isn’t your responsibility.  By holding them accountable in a reasonable way rather than angrily blaming them, any emotional reaction they have is their responsibility, not yours. 

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A Way Dysfunctional Families Try To Keep Everyone Close

Most everyone has had a few moments of feeling paranoid, feeling like other people are out to get them.  Sadly, there are those who feel this way due to mental illness.  Schizophrenia is known to make people feel this way, for example.  Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can do it as well.  Some folks, however, behave in this manner while having no mental illness. 

Consider cases of couples with a child who are getting divorced.  One parent tells the child the other parent is terrible, doesn’t love them & other awful things.  This parent is vilifying the other to turn the child against him or her, which also naturally draws the child closer to the accusatory parent.  This also sets the child up to have what is known as persecutory delusions.

Another common scenario where persecutory delusions happen involves narcissistic families.  They often want their children to stay close to them forever.  One of the ways they try to accomplish this is by using persecutory delusions.  They tell each other that other people are bad, don’t really care about them, no one loves you like family & other untrue things.  This doesn’t stop in adulthood.  When children of narcissistic families marry, often their parents & siblings have no problem showing their disapproval of their new in-law.  They not only treat this person terribly, they let their feelings be known to their adult child.  These narcissists either insinuate or say clearly that this person isn’t good enough to be in their family.  They find ways to convince the adult child of their feelings, even to the point of blatantly lying about the spouse.  Their lies are often completely outrageous.  As one example from my life, one of my sisters in-law once told my husband I “stole” him & keep him from their family.  Nothing could have been further from the truth, yet she was very convicted when she told him this.  Clearly she was trying to convince my husband that her lies were the truth in an attempt to cause us problems or even get us to split up. 

When one person in a marriage has been subjected to this treatment by their family members that facilitates persecutory delusions, it can be incredibly difficult for both parties in the marriage.  One doesn’t want to believe that their family would lie to them, & may believe their family rather than face the fact they are lying.  The one being lied about is going to be hurt not only by the in-laws, but by their spouse who believes the lies.  Couples in this situation can end up divorced because of such toxic behavior.

If you are in this situation, there is hope!  The best thing I know to do is ask God to reveal the truth.  Whether you are the relative being abused or the spouse, the truth is vital to your situation.

If you are the one in this situation, question everything.  Don’t blindly believe what your family tells you.  Just because they are your family doesn’t mean they know everything or have your best interests at heart.  Often family can be the cruelest to their own.  When they say things to you that make you feel others are out to get you somehow, look for the truth & keep an open mind.  Ask yourself what evidence is there that what this person says is happening?  Look for information that either supports or disproves what they say.  If it helps, write things down.  Make two columns, one for things that prove what they say is accurate & the other for things that prove what they say is inaccurate.  Talk to someone you know who is safe, logical & can be objective.  Sometimes an objective third party can give a new perspective on your situation.  

If you are the spouse, then the best piece of advice I can offer is to love your spouse & live in such a way that they can’t help but know that what their narcissistic family says about you makes absolutely no sense.  This will make them question things their family members say, or ideally not believe them at all.  If they somehow don’t question things, ask your spouse to give examples of when you behaved as the narcissists say you did.  When they can’t come up with anything, that will plant doubt in their mind about the validity of their family’s comments.  Also when discussing this topic, remain as calm as possible.  If you show your anger, your spouse naturally will feel they must defend their family.

You can handle this situation, & you will come out of it stronger & wiser.

Finding Healing From Narcissistic Abuse With Other Survivors

My Facebook group is full of some really wonderful people.  Godly, kind, caring, & very intelligent.  I’ve made some great friends through this group.  One of which & I were talking not long ago about where we have found the most help in understanding narcissists.  She told me that I can quote her, so this is what she said.  She has been to 14 counselors including psychologists, a psychiatrist, pastors, church counselors & an EDMR specialist but none of them gave her the kind of help that I have.  Me, with no formal education in the mental health field, no LCSW or PHD or anything behind my name!

I’m not saying this to brag.  I’m saying this because what my friend said next made a very good point.  She said I have helped her more than those counselors because I’ve been through so much with narcissists.  I have no formal training, but I have plenty of experience, & sometimes that is just what you need to help you in certain situations.  Narcissistic abuse recovery is one of those situations. 

While I mean no disrespect to mental health professionals, they usually don’t know much about Narcissistic Personality Disorder or any of the Cluster B disorders.  I have two counselor friends who told me something very interesting.  They don’t know each other, so naturally they never have spoken.  They are about 15-20 years apart in age & studied at different colleges in different parts of the country.  Yet, both said the exact same thing, that they had only one afternoon’s study about all of the Cluster B personality disorders.  That’s it for FOUR very complex personality disorders!  If both of the counselors I have spoken to have the exact same experience in this area of their education, I would guess it’s common if not the norm. 

Don’t take this as seeing a professional to heal from narcissistic abuse is a waste of time.  It isn’t, so long as you choose the right counselor.  You can’t pick just any counselor to help you with abuse recovery.  You will need to find a counselor that specializes in abuse recovery or trauma focused therapy. 

If you can’t find a counselor with these specialties or can’t or would prefer not to see a counselor, the good thing is healing is still possible!  The friend who inspired me to discuss this topic has made leaps & bounds in her healing journey because she found knowledge & help from others who also have been through a lot at the hands of narcissists.  Their knowledge & experiences have helped her tremendously, & their understanding & compassion validated her, which has enabled her to help other victims as she was helped.  She likened it to a relationship between a recovering alcoholic & an active alcoholic.  No one can understand the struggles of the active one like someone who has been in the same situation.  Would you expect a person who has never drank so much as one beer to understand the struggles of someone who can’t go a day without drinking a fifth of whiskey?  Absolutely not!  So why would narcissistic abuse recovery be any different?

If you are looking for help in your healing journey, & won’t see a counselor for whatever reason, you can heal!  I haven’t seen a counselor in many years either due to my lack of trust after seeing some less than caring ones.  Like my friend though, have learned a great deal from others who have experiences similar to mine as well as studying narcissism.  Consider looking for help elsewhere as she & I have.  Connecting with people who share similar experiences is invaluable!  Many online forums are available.  As I mentioned, I have a wonderful group on Facebook, but there are many others too on Facebook or other websites.  A quick internet search will point you to many of these forums. 

It’s Still Abuse If..

Many victims of abuse are quick to deny that they are actually being abused or have been abused.  A woman may defend her husband who beat her up saying she deserved it because she didn’t do something he wanted her to do, or he had too much to drink before he hit her.  A man is even more likely to deny being abused, thanks to the ridiculous attitude society has that women can’t abuse men.  Many men would rather convince themselves it wasn’t abuse than to deal with the disrespect & disdain they will receive if they admit it was. 

Unfortunately such denials are normal for many victims of abuse.  I did it myself.  Growing up, I told myself & others my mother was simply overprotective of me, & my father needed me to take care of him rather than him take care of me.  I was in my late teens when I realized my mother wasn’t simply overprotective, & about thirty years old when I realized my father was abusive.

I thought today it would be a good idea to spell out some facts about abuse that are commonly ignored, minimized or denied to help people to face the truth about abuse in their life.  I know this is a painful thing to face, but it truly is better to face it!  Once you face it, you can start to heal.  The pain you feel at facing the truth is absolutely going to be worth it when you can heal.

It’s still abuse if it wasn’t physical.  Abuse comes in many forms.  Someone can abuse you even if he or she never hit you.  Harsh words, criticisms, intimidation, invalidation, mind games, forcing you to perform sexual acts in spite of you not wanting to, isolating you from friends & family, controlling your money, & twisting Scripture to claim God is angry with you are all examples of abusive behavior that is not physical.

It’s still abuse if your abuser apologized.  Abusers often apologize, claiming they won’t do what they did ever again.  For a while, they don’t.  Things are good.  Suddenly though, once they believe that you are comfortable again, they go back into old patterns.  An apology without genuine efforts to change bad behavior long term is still abuse.

It’s still abuse if your abuser told you they love you.  Abusers claim to love their victim.  Maybe some do on some level, but that doesn’t mean that abusing you is acceptable just because you think this person may love you.

It’s still abuse if your abuser was abused as a child.  The phrase, “hurting people hurt people” is often a lie said by abusers & their enablers as a way to excuse abusive behavior.  Countless children have been abused, yet grew up to become kind, compassionate people who would rather do anything but hurt another person.

It’s still abuse if your abuser has a mental illness.  There are relatively few people with a mental illness who truly don’t know right from wrong.  Unless your abuser is one of those few people, he or she is using mental illness as an excuse to abuse.

It’s still abuse if there were good times in your relationship with your abuser.  No relationship is completely abusive.  If so, abusers would be much easier to identify.  Good times are natural in a relationship with an abuser, but they don’t nullify the abusive behavior.

It’s still abuse if your abuser is your elderly parent.  People often are under the delusion that all older folks are sweet & kind, especially to their own family.  Nothing could be further from the truth!  There are plenty of lovely older folks, but not all of them are.  Many of them are as cruel to their adult children as they were when they were younger, they just changed their tactics a bit to adjust with their age.

It’s still abuse if your abuser is a relative.  Many people put family on a pedestal, as if it’s impossible for family members to abuse other.  I can tell you that this is a complete lie, because I have been abused by several of my family members.  Family members can be the worst abusers of all.

If you recognize some of these behaviors in someone that you are in a bad relationship with, then the relationship is abusive.  You have the right to protect yourself from this behavior.  Exercise that right!  Do what you have to in order to protect yourself from this person, even if it means ending the relationship.  If you don’t know what to do, pray.  Ask God to help you.  Learn all you can about toxic relationships.  Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline, join online forums, read books.  Do whatever you have to do to learn about your toxic situation so you can formulate a plan on how to deal with the situation. 

The Toxic Love Languages Of Narcissists

Many people are aware of the wonderful book by Gary Chapman called, “The Five Love Languages.”  It’s all about helping the reader identify what makes him or her feel the most loved, & also identify those acts in others. 

The love languages in the book are as follows: words of affirmation (encouragement, complements, etc), quality time (when someone prioritizes uninterrupted time with you), acts of service (when someone goes out of their way to do nice gestures for you), gifts (when receiving gifts makes you feel loved) & physical touch (holding hands, kissing, cuddling & sex). 

Did you know there are toxic versions of these love languages?  There are!  And narcissists use them every day.  Being aware of them can help you to avoid people who behave this way.

Words of invalidation & criticism is a toxic love language.  Narcissists use their words as a way to tear down their victims & make them easier to control.  Naturally they don’t begin a relationship behaving like this.  They lavish praise on their victims.  Over time however, little negative comments suddenly appear.  Over time, more are added & more.  Suddenly their victim can do nothing right & is criticized for being upset that the narcissist says & does such cruel things to them.

Quality time isn’t a real thing with a narcissist.  One way narcissists make their victims feel inferior is to be distracted during their time together.  They may scroll endlessly through their phone, flip through the channels, or act bored.  This behavior lets their victims know they aren’t worth the narcissist’s time.  If the victim says something, the narcissist gets angry.  They say they care & the victim should know this or they can listen to the victim & do something else at the same time.  They become indignant that the victim doesn’t appreciate the fact the narcissist is spending time with them, even though that time is hardly good quality time.

Acts of service is a toxic love language in the hands of narcissists.  Narcissists have motives for every single thing they do & say.  If they do something for their victim, it will come with strings attached to it.  They won’t hesitate to remind their victim of the great sacrifices they have made for their victim.  Or, they demand their victim do anything they want, claiming if the victim really cares for them, they will do this.  When the victim does this thing, they claim that isn’t what they really wanted or the victim didn’t do it right.

Gifts are also used in toxic ways by narcissists.  Gifts are often used by narcissists early in a relationship as a way to lure victims in, & to make them feel obligated to the narcissist.  Also, if a victim gives a narcissist a gift, that gift won’t be good enough.  The victim will be shamed for their terrible gift & not loving the narcissist enough to give them something they really want.

Physical touch is only used for manipulation.  Narcissists love to use sex as a weapon.  Often early in their relationships, they are very passionate with their victims.  Then suddenly, that stops, leaving the victim confused.  They deny any problem, often claiming the victim is imagining things.  The victim knows that something is indeed wrong, so he or she tries harder to please & woo the narcissist.  Narcissists love this because it gives them a feeling of power & control.  They often use this time to get their victims to perform sexual acts that degrade the victim.  Victims in this place are vulnerable & willing to do about anything, so often narcissists get their way.

Being aware of these toxic versions of the five love languages can be very helpful in recognizing narcissists, so please remember them.

How Surviving An Abusive Childhood Manifests In Relationships

When you come from an abusive childhood, that can create a lot of dysfunction in your life, but in particular in your relationships.  Today, I want to discuss some of the ways that dysfunction plays out.  Recognizing the dysfunctional behaviors may be painful at first, but it will help you by showing where you need healing.  That is valuable knowledge!

Many abused children struggle with having relationships with any genuine intimacy.  Even with those they are closest to, they aren’t comfortable sharing their innermost thoughts, feelings. desires & dreams.   They may listen to the innermost thoughts, feelings, desires & dreams of those they love, but they still won’t share their own.  They also may change the subject or deny any negative feelings they have if questioned because they are terrified of being this vulnerable with anyone.  This behavior comes from having a parent or two who ignored, mocked or rejected their emotional feelings.  When the most important person in your life who is supposed to love you unconditionally ignores, mocks or rejects something about you, it’s only natural to be afraid other people will do the same.  It takes time, prayer & good, loving, safe people in your life to overcome this behavior.  It also helps to remember that any parent who would do this to their own child clearly was the problem, not the child!

Many abused children have an intense fear of abandonment.  When a child grows up with parents whose behavior was inconsistent & unpredictable, they become afraid they would be abandoned at any moment.  They also assume other people are the same way as their parent.  This fear manifests as a person being clingy with the people in their life, even to the level of being co-dependent.  It also can manifest as being controlling of others with whom they are in a relationship.  My mother was like this.  Her parents divorced when she was very young, & her mother was a narcissist who kept her from her father.  I believe that left her with a deep fear of abandonment that manifested as being very controlling of my father & I.  Conquering this fear of abandonment isn’t easy but it is possible.  The more a person heals & becomes more functional, the healthier their self esteem becomes naturally.  As a result, a part of that is a person becomes more willing to end toxic relationships even if that means they are lonely for a season.  They also begin to attract healthier people who won’t hurt or abandon them, which helps to heal that fear of abandonment.

When parents show their children that their love is conditional, based on the child’s behavior & accomplishments, those children become people pleasers.  Children in this situation assume that unconditional love doesn’t exist, & to be loved, they must earn love.  It’s as if it doesn’t occur to them that the other person in the relationship should earn love though – only they must be the one to earn love.  Unlearning people pleasing behavior is TOUGH!  I’ve been there.  I did find that the more I healed, the less prone to it I was.  I’ve also found that slowing down & asking yourself why you are saying “yes” when you want to say no, or volunteering to do something you want no parts of to be helpful. 

Most abused children have dysfunctional relationships with abusers.  Friends, coworkers & even romantic interests often use & abuse these children until they reach a point in their lives where they start to focus on their own healing.  Possibly the most difficult part of breaking this pattern of behavior is to stop beating yourself up for getting involved with such toxic people, in particular, if you married one of them.  Just remember, you did the best you could with what you knew at that time.  If you didn’t know to do better, how could you expect yourself to do better?  That would make as much sense as expecting a toddler to know how to replace a car’s engine! 

If you find yourself in these situations I have described, it’s ok!  There is hope for you!  Focus on your healing, & the healthier you get, the healthier your relationships naturally will get as well.  I have found God to be vital to my healing.  Psalm 23:4 says that God walks with us through “the valley of the shadow of death” & I firmly believe that to be true!  He will be there for you during the hard, painful times of healing as He was with me. You’re not alone.  Lean on Him & let Him help you to heal!