I’ve discussed why people side with abusers many times over the years since I began speaking out against narcissistic abuse. It seems like there are countless reasons for this despicable behavior & God shows me more & more reasons for it as time goes on. He has shown me yet another reason, & that is what I plan to discuss today.
I know many people think there is no point in understanding this type of behavior. It’s terrible & that is the end of it in their minds. If that works for you, then feel free to skip this post. Some of us have learned that understanding the motives of others helps us to recognize we aren’t to blame & that the abuse perpetrated on us isn’t personal. It’s about the incredible dysfunction of other people. Being this type of person, I want to share my discoveries when I learn about what makes people behave so badly.
I was thinking about something. My in-laws tend to side with people who treat their family members badly & reject others who are good to them. That has baffled me for years. At first, I thought it was simply about their dysfunction. Maybe they just couldn’t recognize healthy behavior. They also hate what is different from them. Getting out of one’s comfort zone can be painful, after all. Something else occurred to me though, & I think it is a very common way people think.
People can succeed in making abuse seem normal or even acceptable by siding with abusers & shaming victims. If they can do that, they can make the victim seem wrong for being traumatized. If abuse is normal, & the victim is traumatized by something normal that proves the victim is the problem, not the abuser. This works well for both abusers & their enablers.
This works well for abusers because that means they don’t need to have any remorse for their abusive deeds. If abuse is normal, there is no reason to feel badly about doing something normal. That would be like feeling badly for buying a loaf of bread. There also is no reason to stop the abuse if it is normalized. Abusers can keep on doing whatever they want to do to their victims when that happens, because it is simply normal.
Siding with abusers also works well for abuse enablers, because when the abuse is normalized & acceptable, it means they don’t have to feel guilt for failing to help or protect the victim. Siding with abusers by acting as if victims are wrong helps abuse enablers feel like they are ok, they are normal, while also making them feel that victims are the wrong & awful ones by being upset for no good reason. In this mindset, victims are wrong so these enablers have no reason to feel badly for how they have treated victims.
The next time someone betrays you by siding with the narcissist in your life, please remember that their behavior is more about their own shortcomings & dysfunction than it is about you. Don’t allow them to make you feel badly for being abused. The only people who should feel badly about your situation are your abuser & the cowardly people who enable the abuser. Don’t carry their shame! Be proud of yourself for surviving what you have survived!