Tactics Of Overt Narcissists

Since it’s impossible to avoid all narcissists, I thought I would write a post to help people easily recognize their abusive actions.  This post will be about the actions of overt narcissists, the next, about covert.

Overt narcissists are the most commonly discussed type of narcissist.  They are known to be very loud, brash & bold in their abuse.  They are the easiest narcissists to identify simply because of how obvious they usually are.

Overt narcissists rage.  Loudly.  When their victim causes them a narcissistic injury by failing to provide them with their narcissistic supply, overt narcissists will be furious & let their victim know it.  If the victim fails to complement the narcissist, disobeys the narcissist or commits some other supposed horrific sin, that victim can count on the narcissist punishing them harshly for it.

Overt narcissists like to brag.  When dealing with an overt narcissist, it won’t take long before this person regales you with stories of their great accomplishments, their unique talents or the masses of people who admire them.

If an overt narcissist isn’t the center of attention, he or she will find a way to return to the center of attention.   An overt narcissist will do whatever it takes to gain attention, good or bad.  They will start to discuss highly inappropriate topics such as the details of a recent murder or even body functions.  They will make noises such as clapping their hands or even a loud burp.  I remember my mother once breaking into song when my father & I were talking & she wasn’t interested in our conversation.

Overt narcissists also have no problem interrupting other people.  If a person is talking about something that doesn’t interest the overt narcissist, they have no problem interrupting or talking over that person to change the conversation back to them.

All narcissists lack empathy, & overt ones are very obvious about it.  If you have a problem, an overt narcissist will be sure to let you know that your problem isn’t important to them.  They will change the subject or say invalidating things to make you feel so badly for being upset, that you don’t discuss this topic again.

Overt narcissists must be in charge of every area of the relationship, period.  Overt narcissists are like dictators in a relationship.  They will use shame & fear primarily to keep their victim under their control.  Many also have a thing for using cars to help them dominate.  They must drive, because that way they have their victim trapped where they can’t escape & they are in control of where they go.

Overt narcissists are incredibly opinionated.  Whatever the topic is, overt narcissists will have an opinion on it & believe that everyone must hear said opinion.  If the opinion is something about the victim, you can guarantee it will be a negative opinion.

All narcissists are envious, but overts are very obvious about it.  Anyone an overt narcissist believes to be more talented, successful or attractive than they are is going to be judged & criticized VERY harshly, & usually behind their back in an attempt to turn other people against the person they envy.

Overt narcissists have double standards.  Whatever an overt narcissist does is great, but if anyone else does that same thing, it’s bad.  For example, if an overt narcissist lied to you, that would be ok because, according to them, something about you made them lie.  Yet, if you lie to the overt narcissist, that is completely unacceptable & there is no reason whatsoever for you to lie to them, ever!

Obviously this isn’t a complete list of the behaviors of the overt narcissist, but it should be enough to help you see such behaviors as a red flag.  Recognizing those red flags will help you to protect yourself from such toxic people.

Are Introverts Normal?

One thing I have learned about adult children of narcissistic parents is the majority of us are introverts.  Introverts keep to themselves, like quiet activities, are focused & intelligent, prefer deep to superficial relationships & conversation, often have only a few interests but explore those interests deeply, & gain energy from alone time rather than from other people.

Extroverts are the exact opposite, & much more common.  As a result, the life of an introvert can come with challenges.  Some people think there is something very wrong with introverts, & will try to change them.  They may believe the introvert is depressed, & constantly say things like, “Cheer up!” or “You’ll feel better if you come to the party with me.”  Society in general seems to push people to be extroverts- you are told you must go to Christmas parties, have a big Thanksgiving dinner or have the whole family come by for your birthday.

These things can make us introverts feel uncomfortable, even flawed, & wondering what is wrong with us.  The truth is that there is NOTHING wrong with us!  Being an introvert isn’t a disease, some terrible character flaw or a mental disorder.  Introversion is simply a personality trait.  You would have just as good of luck “curing” yourself of introversion as you would changing your eye color.  You were born with your specific eye color just like you were born being an introvert.

I also can’t help but to think that being raised by a narcissistic parent may contribute to introversion.  The fact is narcissistic parents are very mentally & emotionally draining.  After growing up with that, it seems natural to me to seek out quiet & peace, especially if you naturally are introverted & long for that anyway.

If you’re an introvert, then please don’t think there is something flawed or wrong with you for being this way.  You’re in great company. Besides, being an introvert, you’re in great company.  Some known introverts are Abraham Lincoln, Elenor Roosevelt, Albert Einstein, Mahatma Ghandi, Laura Bush, Rosa Parks & Warren Buffet.

Also, there are many positive traits that introverts often have over extroverts.  Introverts are often very good listeners, they often maintain long lasting friendships, they are responsible, analytical, intelligent & creative.

There is one down side to being an introvert that I have found.  Naturally, as a die-hard introvert myself, I prefer alone time. Although there is nothing wrong with that, it can be a problem when it comes to hard times.  Most people, I think, tend to isolate themselves to a degree when going through a really tough time, but introverts do it on a grander scale. And, if like me you’re an introvert with C-PTSD, it can be really bad.  One of the traits of C-PTSD is wanting to isolate.  Throw in the introvert trait & when I’m going through a hard time, it’s a miracle if anyone other than hubby & the furkids see me or talk to me for weeks.  While isolation isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it needs to be balanced. God made people to need Him as well as other people.  I have learned with myself when I isolate myself for too long, it contributes to the depression that accompanies C-PTSD.  I just want to encourage you to have balance.  Isolate yourself when you need to, but if it goes on too long, realize you need to spend time with people you love & who love you.  Go & do something fun!  It really can make you feel better.

Being An Introvert

Good morning, Dear Reader!  Today, I thought we would talk about being an introvert.

 

Introverts are often very quiet people,  people who gain strength from being alone rather than being around others,  become mentally & physically drained after being around other people, hate being the center of attention, focused, introspective, highly intelligent, explore their few interests deeply, become irritable without sufficient alone time & prefer having only a few very close friends rather than many acquaintances.

 

This describes me very well.  I absolutely cannot tolerate much time around other people, even those I love dearly.  In fact, a lifelong friend of mine is also an introvert, & when we get together, it doesn’t take us long & one of us will say, “You ready for some introvert time?”  Neither of us is offended by this, since we both understand the strong need for alone time.  Instead, we both laugh about it & go home.

 

It seems to me that most people are extroverts.  They need to be around other people often as it energizes & strengthens them.  They are highly energetic people & often bubbly & excited in the ways they express themselves.  If they are alone for any length of time, they become depressed.  They have many friends & many interests.  Being the center of attention is a positive thing for them.

 

The large amount of extroverts compared to introverts can make being an introvert rather challenging.  Introverts often think there is something wrong with them for not being like most other people.  We feel like we are weird or  flawed. We also feel like there isn’t anyone else who prefers the company of a good book over people.

 

Also, extroverts can’t understand us introverts any better than we can understand them.  Often, they try to “help” us by making us more social, such as wanting us to go places with them when we would prefer the solitude of our own home with a good book.  They also may think we are depressed rather than introverted, & try to “cheer us up” by wanting us to do things that cheer them up.  If you are fortunate, the extroverts in your life understand that you are simply different than they are.  They quickly learn not to try to change you, & that there is nothing wrong with you for being introverted- it is simply a personality trait rather than a flaw or illness.

 

If you are not as fortunate with the extroverts you know, life can be a bit more challenging.  I had a friend years ago who I cared a great deal about, but he was very extroverted.  He constantly wanted to go places & hang out with me.  We always had fun together & I enjoyed it when we went spent time together, but due to my introverted nature, there were many times I would have preferred to stay home alone.  I ended up hurting his feelings quite a few times for turning down an invitation to go to a bookstore (our favorite activity) or out to lunch.  I didn’t mean to- I just needed my introvert time, & he didn’t understand that as he didn’t like to be alone for very long or stay home.  He did accept my boundaries, & usually with only a little trying to convince me to change my mind.

 

Unfortunately, this is unavoidable when an introvert is friends with an extrovert.  The good friend, like mine was, may have his feelings hurt, but will accept that you don’t want to hang out together 3 times a week (or however often he wants to).  Some extroverts aren’t as nice as my friend was.  Some may get pushy or use guilt to try to manipulate you into doing their will.  They may push you hard to try to become more extroverted as they are.  Don’t give in if you are uncomfortable doing so!  You have every right to be as introverted as you would like to be, just as others have the right to be as extroverted as they would like to be!  Set your boundaries & stick to them.  You have that right!

 

Also try to explain to your friend that it is nothing personal or wrong with him- you just need some alone time.  As he gets energy from being around others, you have that exact same reaction to being alone.  Maybe explain it this way- “You know how good you feel after you spend an afternoon with friends (or at a party or whatever social activity your friend enjoys)?  That’s how I feel after some time to myself.”

 

Most extroverted people will understand & respect your boundaries.  As for those who don’t, or those who continually try to change you into an extrovert?  You may want to reconsider your friendship.  Normal healthy people don’t try to change other people.

 

If you are an introvert reading this, just remember- you’re not alone, you’re not weird & there is nothing wrong with you for being an introvert.  There are plenty of us out there, but you may not know it as we’re most likely spending time alone in our own homes… lol