Tag Archives: fake

Non Apologies

Non apologies are common among narcissists & their enabling flying monkeys, so you need to be aware of them.

 

A non apology means someone says they are sorry but it isn’t a genuine apology.  Some examples are:

 

  • I’m sorry you feel that way.
  • I’m sorry for whatever you think I did.
  • I’m sorry if I did something that upset you.
  • I’m sorry I said/did that, but if you wouldn’t have said/done what you did, I wouldn’t have said/done what I did.
  • I was just upset when I said that.

 

While these apologies do contain the words “I’m sorry”, they certainly aren’t real apologies.  They accept no responsibility for the bad behavior or make any promises this will not happen again or of better behavior in the future.

 

They also imply something is wrong with the person on the receiving end of the apology.  If someone tells you they were just upset when they did something bad, the average person with empathy will feel badly for being upset in the first place because the abuser was upset for what they did & can’t be held accountable for their actions.  If the abuser blames you for upsetting them enough to do something bad, the average person will feel badly for doing what they did that “made” the abuser do what they did.

 

A genuine apology is very different.  Even if the person making the apology doesn’t understand why the person offended feels as they do, the offender will promise not to do whatever they did again.  They will admit they were being insensitive or thoughtless.  They promise to amend their behavior & do it.  There isn’t judgment or criticism because someone is upset.  There isn’t blame.  There is simply love, concern & a desire not to hurt a person again.

 

When a narcissist or flying monkey gives you a non apology, look out.  They are going to resent you for “making” them apologize & you will be punished.  They may do the behavior again or do something worse.  They may act like nothing happened, which can invalidate your feelings or make you wonder if you imagined what happened or exaggerated how bad it was.  When this happens, focus on the truth & what you remember.  Keeping a journal can help you, because you can look back on the events which helps you focus on the truth rather than the narcissist’s version of it.  And as always, pray.  Ask God to help you to stay focused on the truth & to help you act accordingly.

Advertisements

6 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

Mirroring And Narcissists

One common tool narcissists use is mirroring.

Mirroring is when a person pretends to share similar interests to you, or to feel & respond to things as you do, when the truth is they don’t share your interests, feelings or responses.  They also can mimic your non-verbal acts, such as smiling when you smile, crossing their legs when you cross yours.  Some even try to mimic personality traits, like empathy.  Since they have no empathy of their own, they watch how you display empathy, & then try to act like you in order to make you or others think they have empathy.

Pretending they are like you gives them a way to bond with you.  It makes you feel comfortable with them, because you believe you two are so much alike.  After all, most people prefer to be with other people who are similar to them.

Narcissists use mirroring in order to lure new victims into a relationship with them or to patch ones they have damaged.  The bonding that mirroring can form is a powerful tool, & narcissists know this all too well.  When you are close with someone, you want to believe the best of them, & you don’t want to confront them if they have hurt you.  You are more likely to let things slide if you love a person, whereas if an acquaintance did such things to you, you wouldn’t have a problem speaking up to them.

Although sometimes people naturally act like each other, mirroring is different.  In some cases, such as very close friends or couples who have been married for a long time, the closeness of their relationship means they automatically adapt some of each other’s traits & mannerisms over time.  It just happens without even trying.  Mirroring however, happens immediately, & being in a close relationship has nothing to do with it.

1 Comment

Filed under Mental Health, Narcissism