Valuing Yourself In Relationships

Relationships of all types, romantic, friendships & familial, are an essential part of life, & it’s crucial to nurture them with love, respect, & understanding.  However, sometimes, we tend to compromise our self-worth in relationships, which can lead to mistreatment & abuse.  Today, I hope to shed some light on the importance of valuing yourself in relationships.

Many people believe that valuing oneself in a relationship is selfish or narcissistic.  However, it’s essential to understand that it’s not about putting oneself above others; it’s about recognizing one’s worth & treating oneself with love & respect.  When you value yourself, you can set healthy boundaries that communicate your needs & expectations, which creates a balanced, healthy relationship.

One of the most significant benefits of valuing yourself in relationships is recognizing your worth.  When you value yourself, you understand that you deserve to be treated with love, respect, & care.  This awareness makes it easier for you to identify when your partner is mistreating or disrespecting you.  Many people find themselves in abusive relationships because they don’t recognize their worth.  They tolerate abuse because they think that it’s what they deserve. However, when you value yourself, you understand that you deserve better & won’t tolerate such mistreatment.

A crucial aspect of valuing yourself in relationships is the ability to communicate your needs.  When you value yourself, you understand your needs & expectations from your partner. This awareness makes it easier for you to communicate your needs respectfully.  When you value yourself, you understand that your needs are essential, you have the right to communicate them & you can communicate them respectfully without feeling guilty or ashamed.

Valuing yourself in relationships also means setting healthy boundaries.  Boundaries are essential in relationships because they help define the limits of what is acceptable & what is not.  They also help create a respectful & loving relationship.  When you value yourself, you understand your limits & what you will & won’t tolerate from your partner.  You can set boundaries without feeling guilty or ashamed.

Valuing yourself in relationships also helps you avoid abusive, manipulative, or unhealthy relationships.  When you value yourself, you understand that you deserve a healthy & loving relationship.  You won’t tolerate any unhealthy behavior from your partner, & you will walk away from toxic relationships.

Valuing yourself in relationships also can help you build self-confidence.  When you value yourself, you understand your worth, & you treat yourself with love & respect.  Self-confidence is essential in creating a happy & healthy life.  It can help you achieve your goals & dreams & can help you build healthy relationships.  

Valuing yourself in relationships can also help you avoid expecting your partner to make you happy.  That expectation creates an unhealthy & unbalanced relationship.  When you value yourself, you understand that you don’t need a partner to feel happy & fulfilled.

Valuing yourself in relationships is essential in creating happy & healthy relationships.  It doesn’t mean that you’re selfish or narcissistic; it means that you understand your worth & treat yourself with love & respect.  So, take some time to reflect on your self-worth & how you can value yourself in your relationships.  Remember that you deserve to be treated with love, respect, & care, & don’t settle for anything less.

Music Can Be Healing

My life has not had a lot of positive constants to say the least.  This is typical for any victim of narcissistic abuse.  One of the few positive constant things has been music, & I thought it would be a good idea to discuss that today.

Growing up with narcissistic parents, I learned early on that my job was to take care of & please them no matter any personal cost.  I also learned that any needs, wants, feelings, thoughts I had were unimportant.  While experiencing this, books became a wonderful escape for me.  When reading, I could be transported somewhere that this sort of abuse wasn’t happening.  Eventually though I had to put the book down & rejoin reality.  Thankfully, I discovered music when I was in the sixth grade.

Music didn’t offer quite the same escape as books did, but possibly it was even more helpful & powerful.  Reading, as wonderful as it can be, forces you to focus on it a lot so you don’t miss the details or lose your place.   Music is different. You can listen to music while you do pretty much anything, & still reap its benefits.  It also was the one thing that my narcissistic mother couldn’t ruin or take away from me, although she certainly tried to.  I simply listened to other artists or genres until I found something that spoke to me. 

As I got older, I clung to music, & still do.  I have certain genres & artists whose music is especially powerful & even healing to me.  My hope in sharing this with you is that you will discover the same for yourself.

Everyone’s taste in music is different, so please understand that whatever music helps you, that is ok!  There is no right or wrong.  What I am sharing today is just some information for you to consider when choosing your own music preferences.

As a new Christian in my mid 20’s, I thought the only acceptable music for Christians was gospel or worship music.  For some reason, these aren’t my favorite genres.  However, “Testify To Love” by Wynonna Judd & Bob Carlisle’s “Shades Of Grace” album never fail to touch my heart, & make me feel closer to God than usual.

As time went on, I got back into music I had loved prior to becoming a Christian.  Being a teenager in the 1980’s, I have a fondness for 80’s music.  Back then, I listened to anything from pop to heavy metal.  Even now, I still listen to it often.  This music takes me back to a time when although my life was very difficult, I still had one thing that was all mine, & it was something no one could ruin for me.  It feels good to remember that feeling.

I also like some country music.  My father was a big fan of outlaw country, like Waylon Jennings & Johnny Cash, & I remember him playing it when I was a little girl riding in his car.  That was fun, & now that car is mine.  Listening to it in that car reminds me of some good memories I have.  As an adult, I also discovered some country artists I love whose music reminds me to be proud of my roots, as my granddad instilled in me.  Loving the sound of their music is just a bonus.

There are other certain songs of random genres that I adore which also remind me of my roots.  Celtic & Native American Indian music often speak to me on a deep level, thanks to my Irish & Native American Indian heritage.  They make me feel a connection to ancestors I wasn’t fortunate enough to meet, & considering how interesting many of them were, this is a very good thing.  I also periodically enjoy some opera, classical, & instrumental nature music.  A song I enjoy from such genres isn’t common for me, but it always will create a sensation of peace & serenity. 

Lastly, I am a huge fan of a lot of heavy metal music.  I know, this is hardly everyone’s preferred genre, but it still inspires me.  It empowers me too.  There is so much passion that goes into songs of this genre & it seems to pass along to me when I listen to it.  I can’t not enjoy that especially considering how much time in my life has been spent feeling powerless.

I realize my taste in music could best be described as “don’t judge me”, & isn’t for everyone.  I hope in spite of that, you will consider what I have said & find what music has a powerful affect on you as my choices do on me.

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Some Common Signs Of Disrespect In Families

Most people have had to deal with disrespect in our families at some point.  Whether it’s gossiping & sharing private information, a fear of saying no, belittling & criticizing, blaming others for our problems, ridiculing someone for making a mistake, taking advantage of others, clique-like behavior where some are excluded, or giving the silent treatment, disrespect in families obviously can take many forms. It’s not only emotionally damaging to the victims of this abuse, but it can also have long-term effects that may not be immediately apparent.

Today, we’ll explore the various types of disrespect in families & how to handle them.

Note that these behaviors can be signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but even people without the disorder can behave in these ways sometimes.  If you’re unsure if your relatives are narcissists, how you deal with their disrespect will show you.  Narcissists get angry or act like a victim when confronted on their bad behavior.  Healthy people offer genuine apologies & change their behavior.

One of the most common forms of disrespect in families is when one member is too afraid to say no to the requests of another.  This fear of saying no can be rooted in fear of punishment or fear of being rejected, but it can also be a sign of a lack of respect for the person’s autonomy.

Making unreasonable demands is another hallmark of disrespect in families.  When people like this are told no, they become angry, accusatory or use guilt in an attempt to manipulate the other person into doing their will.  The demanding person clearly shows they don’t respect their family member’s time or their other relationships when they behave in this way.

Disrespectful relatives also will take advantage of each other at any opportunity. Not only with unreasonable demands, but with anything. Worse yet is when many do this, they act like they are being good to their relative.

Another common form of disrespect in families is belittling & criticizing.  This can be anything from making snide comments about someone’s appearance or abilities to outright insults.  This type of behavior is often rooted in a lack of self-esteem, but it can also be a sign of a lack of respect for the other person or even narcissism.

Blaming others for their problems is yet another common form of disrespect in families.  This can be anything from blaming someone for not doing something right to blaming them for something they had no control over.  This type of behavior is often rooted in a lack of accountability & is an obvious sign of a lack of respect for the other person.

Ridiculing someone for making a mistake is another form of disrespect in families. This type of behavior is often rooted in a desire to be seen as superior or to put someone else down in order to make one’s self feel better.  It’s a sign of a lack of respect for the other person & can be damaging to their self-esteem.

If you are the victim of disrespect in your family, it is important to know that there are steps that you can take to address the situation. Here are some tips for dealing with disrespect in families:

• Pray.  Ask God to give you insight into your situation, wisdom on ways to cope & strength & courage to do whatever you need to do.
• Take Care Of Yourself: Before confronting the situation, take care of yourself by finding healthy ways to cope with the situation.  This may include talking to a trusted friend or counselor, practicing self-care activities, or engaging in activities that nurture your mental & physical health.
• Set Boundaries: It is important to set boundaries & make clear what kind of behavior is & is not acceptable.  Communicate these boundaries to those involved & make sure that they are respected.  If they aren’t respected, be prepared to give consequences, such as creating some distance between you & the other person.
• Focus On Solutions: Work together as a family to come up with strategies for addressing the situation & for improving communication & relationships within the family.  If your relative in question is a narcissist, clearly this won’t work since they don’t want solutions.  In that case, focus on finding ways to protect yourself from this toxic individual.

Dealing with disrespect in families can be a difficult & traumatic experience, but it can be done.  You can handle this situation!

Betrayal Is More Than Infidelity

Betrayal is an extremely painful & confusing experience.  The worst part is that it doesn’t come from strangers or acquaintances.  It comes from those closest to you.

Betrayal takes many forms.  Betrayal can mean being unfaithful to your partner or course, but it also can mean lying, hiding information that you need to know, prioritizing someone else over you when it should be the other way around or using or taking advantage of you.  It even can mean defending someone who has wronged you instead of supporting you.  Betrayal is incredibly painful,& no matter what form it takes, it can leave you feeling hurt & confused. That being said, you can heal from the pain of betrayal.

The most important step in healing from betrayal is to seek help from God.  When it comes to betrayal, it can be easy to feel like no one can understand what you are going through.  It is important to remember that God knows & understands every emotion that you are feeling.  He will not judge you for feeling hurt & betrayed, & He will be there to listen & provide comfort when you need it.  You can talk to God about your feelings, & He will provide you with the strength to cope with the betrayal.

It can also help to read God’s Word to receive comfort & guidance. His Word is full of stories of people who have gone through betrayal & have been able to find strength & solace in God. Reading these stories can help you to feel less alone & to understand that God is with you on this journey.

God is the ultimate healer & comforter, & He will be glad to help you to find the strength & courage to heal & to move forward.  Pray & ask God to help you to forgive, to heal, & to find the peace & strength you need to move on when necessary.

When you’ve been betrayed, it’s important to take the time to recognize & process your emotions.  It can be tempting to ignore your feelings or try to rush through them, but that is counter-productive.  Instead, allow yourself to really sit with your emotions, whatever they may be.  Don’t judge or criticize how you feel.  Just accept how you’re feeling & give yourself whatever time you need to fully process your emotions.  If you need to, write about your feelings in a journal, or talk to a trusted friend.

When it comes to processing your emotions, it also can be helpful to remember that it’s ok to be angry.  Anger is a valid emotion & it’s ok to express it in a healthy way.  It’s also ok to cry.  Crying can help to release some of the built-up emotion & tension, & is incredibly healing.

Another important step in healing from betrayal is to re-evaluate the relationship with the person who has betrayed you.  If someone has betrayed you, & then repeated that behavior even after knowing that it has hurt you or betrayed you in a different way, then it’s time to re-evaluate that relationship.  This can be hard, especially if it’s a close family member or friend, but it’s important to remember that your own wellbeing should always come first.  Always remember – someone who knowingly hurts you, especially repeatedly, doesn’t deserve your love & loyalty.

No matter what form betrayal has taken, it can be incredibly painful & confusing. But, with God’s help & by taking the time to recognize & process your emotions, you can heal & move forward.

Siblings In Narcissistic Families

Although I’m an only child, I’ve talked to many people who have siblings & narcissistic parents.  Their stories are often quite similar.  Following is some of what I have seen in these situations.

There is that one child who is the “good” one who can do no wrong, also known as the golden child.  There is also a scapegoat who receives all the blame for the problems in the family.  There are also some other possible roles for children in this family.  The lost child is the one whose parents mostly ignore them.  The family screw up is similar to the scapegoat in that he or she can do nothing right but they also aren’t necessarily to blame for all problems.  Lastly is the family joker who constantly tries to lighten the mood of the dysfunction with humor. 

Whatever the child’s role, they are all simply trying to survive their environment however works best for them.  The golden child tries to please their narcissistic parents, often by making them look good or even imitating them.  The scapegoat tries to please them until they realize they can’t no matter what they do, & then they usually begin to rebel.  The lost child fades quietly into the background.  The family screw up tries pleasing their parents, even if it means failing to prove the parents are right about how awful they are.  The joker says or does anything, even inappropriate things, when things get too tense in an attempt to diffuse bad situations.  Sometimes, children follow in their narcissistic parents’ footsteps, & become narcissists themselves.  At the very least, they often display some narcissistic tendencies until they realize they dislike that behavior in themselves & make healthy changes.

These children continue their roles into adulthood, unless they understand the truth of their situation.  Usually the first one to recognize the dysfunction is the scapegoat.  Often, they try to get their siblings to see the truth, but are met with shaming, mocking &/or denial.  Scapegoats are also usually the first ones who sever ties with their family members because once they have seen the truth, they can’t return to the toxicity.  The other children bond even closer to their abusive parents & talk badly about the scapegoat when this happens. 

The remaining children, even as adults often with their own children & even grandchildren, remain blindly loyal to their parents.  They won’t hesitate to hurt their spouse, children or grandchildren by keeping their narcissistic parents as their top priority.  Of course, they don’t think they are doing anything wrong.  After all, they’re just helping out their parents & that certainly can’t be wrong, according to them.  They often are sanctimonious about how much they do for their parents, & judge other siblings for not doing enough.  In their minds, this relationship with their parents proves they are good people & part of a loving, close family. 

Once the narcissistic parents are gone & only their adult children remain, things can get interesting.  Sometimes, they simply go their own ways, losing contact with each other.  Other times, they continue their dysfunctional relationships with each other.  In some ways, it’s almost as if their parents are still alive.  They still see each other as their parents saw them.  Even after their parents have died, they still treat each other as their parents taught them to, basically carrying out their parents’ tradition of abuse.

If this is your situation, please know you’re not alone!  There are so many people with similar stories.  Find some support.  There are online forums that can help.  My Facebook group is full of caring, kind, supportive people with all kinds of experience with narcissistic abuse.  Talking with others with similar stories will help you so much.  Learn all you can about Narcissistic Personality Disorder & healing from narcissistic abuse, too.  Read books & blogs, watch YouTube videos, listen to podcasts.  There is a great deal of information out there.  Most of all, never forget to pray.  God wants to help you!  Tell him whatever you’re experiencing & ask for His help to heal & cope.  He will be more than happy to help you!

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The Day After Christmas

Even if I didn’t look at the calender, I still would know when Christmas & Mother’s Day are. The days surrounding both holidays are when my blog & site are the busiest. This year has been no different.

I am no exception to struggling this time of year. You can count on less than two hands how many decent Christmases I’ve had in my entire adult life. Making matters worse is the judgmental things people have said to me because I’m not happy about Christmas like most people. They say things like I just need to get over it & be happy, I need to celebrate the birth of Jesus since I’m supposed to be a Christian & more. <sigh> Got a bit of that nonsense this Christmas too, which is what made me think of writing to those of you who also have been on the receiving end of such treatment simply because of your lack of Christmas spirit.

When a person who has survived narcissistic abuse gets to this point of not wanting to celebrate Christmas, there is almost always a plethora of valid reasons for it. Narcissists love ruining things for their victims, & holidays are no exception. After all, the focus MUST be on them, & if it isn’t, they will make their victims’ life a living hell.

I think my situation was quite normal like this. My narcissistic mother in-law had to have Christmas her way. There was no excuse not to do things her way. Only her traditions were allowed & they had to be done only on Christmas day. Not Christmas eve, not the day after. Christmas day, period. This meant those of us who married into this family weren’t to consider spending the day any other way. Even mentioning the possibility was met with anger, disdain & comments like, “You will be here, right?”. This left me with two yukky options. Spend a miserable day with people who hated me or spend it alone while my husband spent it with them. As a result, I stopped celebrating Christmas many years ago. I did try to find ways to celebrate that I enjoyed or do things for my husband the few times he stayed home, but nothing made me like Christmas as I once did. People criticizing me for not being happy about Christmas just added insult to injury.

If you can relate, I just want to let you know it’s not just you! There are plenty of us out there who have lost interest in Christmas thanks to the narcissists in our lives. If you’re beating yourself up for your feelings, please just stop. Feelings show us when something is wrong, but the feelings themselves aren’t wrong. They just are. Honor your feelings. Feel them & process them how you need to.

Also remember, how you feel doesn’t mean you aren’t a “good Christian.” People created negative feelings in you because of their behavior. That has nothing to do with your faith. Your faith is there, whether or not you have or participate in a huge, fancy Christmas celebration. In fact, something I’ve noticed is many people who do have those huge & fancy Christmas celebrations have no real faith in God. They have the celebrations to keep up appearances or simply because that’s what they’ve always done.

It may help you to create new traditions, even ones that don’t celebrate Christmas per se, like going to dinner or watching your favorite movies. Sometimes those new traditions can help break the bad feelings. Sometimes, they don’t though, & you know something? That’s ok too. Not pleasant of course, but it’s ok. You can’t always help how you feel. Sometimes there was too much damage done, & you can’t fix it. Don’t beat yourself up for that & don’t let anyone else do it either! They aren’t you, & they have no right to criticize you for how you feel! Just take good care of yourself! ❤️

If you have read this & disagree with what I have said, please keep your opinions to yourself. Criticizing the feelings & views of those of us in this situation won’t fill us with Christmas spirit. In fact, it only adds to the negative feelings. I’d just as soon spare my readers from that. Also, I’d like to suggest you take a moment to realize how very blessed you are that you weren’t made to feel this way. That truly is a wonderful thing, & I sincerely hope you appreciate that!

When Scapegoats Are Abused

The entire psychology around scapegoats fascinates me.  Having been one myself, I found it so hard to understand at first why it seems so many people have thought it perfectly acceptable to treat me badly, in particular those I’m related to.  Over the years, God has shown me quite a bit about that.

Scapegoats are often easy going & gentle people.  It takes a lot to get the average scapegoat to fight back against being abused.  That is partly why many scapegoats are targeted- they will tolerate more than the average person.  Narcissists love how much they are willing to tolerate.  It provides them a great deal of narcissistic supply, being able to abuse someone for long periods of time.

When scapegoats do fight back, they are often beyond furious.  Narcissists love this too.  They use their victims’ righteous anger to prove just how crazy & unreasonable they are.  Bonus for narcissists – they get the joy of calling the scapegoat mentally unstable for reacting to the abuse.

Narcissists also love making their flying monkeys abuse the scapegoat.  Not only does this mean that their scapegoat is being abused, but it also means that they have enough power over their flying monkeys to make them do their bidding.  That’s a pretty big power trip!

When my father was dying & our family attacking me for not breaking no contact to say good bye to him, God showed me some of their motivations.  I think they fit with those who abuse scapegoats in many situations, not only when a narcissistic parent is dying.

When scapegoats get healthy & are loyal to their new boundaries & beliefs, it upsets the dysfunctional people by proving that there is a problem with the family system.  Many dysfunctional people are too cowardly to face truth, & prefer to utilize denial.  The scapegoat’s actions showing there is a problem threatens that denial.  People in denial can’t tolerate that, so rather than deal with the threats, they do their best to shut down the person who faces the truth. 

Many flying monkeys are also narcissists, so they enjoy abusing just for the sake of abusing. 

Many of those narcissistic flying monkeys are covert narcissists, so in addition to abusing an innocent person, they also enjoy the whole image of looking like they’re just trying to help when they try to convince the scapegoat to tolerate further abuse by the original narcissist.

By abusing the scapegoat, they somehow prove to themselves that it’s ok to abuse that person.  If they can just get that scapegoat to accept the abuse without complaint, all will be right in their world.  The reason being, if abusing this person is normalized, then there is no need to be upset that they did nothing to stop the narcissist from abusing the scapegoat.  It proves to them that this person deserves whatever they have coming to them.  There would be no need to try to stop the abuse if the person deserves it.

If you are a scapegoat & either have been or are currently in such situations, please know that whatever the narcissist & their flying monkeys do or say to you is not about you.  You are not whatever they say you are!  You are simply on the receiving end of their dysfunction.  They are treating you badly because of their own issues, not because of anything you have done or anything you are.  I know that can be hard to remember sometimes, but please try to do so!  It truly can help you when these awful people attack!

Dealing With People Who Minimize Or Invalidate Your Trauma

I have lost track of how many people I have spoken with who have been faced with cruel people minimizing & invalidating their trauma.  Like these people, I’ve faced it myself.  Mostly from family but also from total strangers who have commented on my work.  This behavior absolutely infuriates me whether it’s aimed at me or someone else, because it is so far beyond WRONG!

People who behave this way have no idea that although the trauma may have happened in the past, it still affects the present.  When you have C-PTSD or PTSD, the past is constantly a part of the present, whether or not you want it to be.  Even if you have tried hard to heal & cope, some things are simply too odious to heal from in a lifetime.  That doesn’t make you flawed or broken.  It makes you human.

Also, what makes anyone think they have the right to judge another person for how they have handled trauma?  Do they honestly think they could have handled the situation better?  Or maybe to them, your trauma doesn’t sound so bad.  So what?  They aren’t you.  Things that devastate you may not affect them & things that devastate them may not affect you.  People are different.  That doesn’t make one person right & the other wrong in these situations.  It makes them different.  Contrary to what many people seem to think, different isn’t a bad thing!

Even people with good intentions can be invalidating.  Comments like, “I’m sure it wasn’t all that bad”, “You’ll be ok!” are just as invalidating & damaging as when someone’s intentions are deliberate & malicious.  When I was in high school, I spoke to my guidance counselor about the abuse at home.  One thing I told her was how my mother would scream at me every day, telling me how horrible I was.  She actually told me, “That doesn’t sound so bad.”  That was in 1989 & thinking about that still makes me angry!  It really was bad, I can assure you of that.

When this sort of thing happens to you, there are some things you can do.  Rather than accept the invalidation as fact, question it.  Ask God to tell you the truth about the situation & listen to what He has to say.  And, question the person saying what they did.  You can ask them why would they say that about something that clearly traumatized you, or why do they think it’s ok to be so heartless.  Questions like that can stop a person in their tracks.  Someone who didn’t intend to hurt you will be upset you said that but realize why you did.  They will apologize & be more sensitive to you.  Someone who did intend to hurt you will make excuses for what they said or blame you for being over sensitive or overreacting.

Another tactic that can help is repeating what the person said back to them.  As an example, let’s say you were robbed at knife point, & someone says that happened last year, so you shouldn’t be upset about it anymore.  You could respond with, “You know what?  You’re absolutely right!  I don’t know what I was thinking!  I shouldn’t be so sensitive.  I should just forget that someone robbed me & easily could have killed me.  That makes perfect sense doesn’t it?!”

You also need to have good boundaries.  If someone repeatedly invalidates you, you don’t have to tolerate it.  Let them know this isn’t something you will tolerate, & if they continue, you will have to hang up the phone or leave, then follow through if they continue. 

If this person continues to treat you this way in spite of knowing how much they are hurting you, you may need to end the relationship.  Naturally, that is your decision of course, but it should be a possibility in your mind, because you don’t deserve this sort of cruel treatment.

I hope you feel better equipped to deal with invalidating people now, because you deserve to be treated so much better than that!

Is It Really The Most Wonderful Time Of Year?

The Christmas season is a very difficult time of year for many people with narcissistic families & in-laws.  They make it an over the top, incredibly stressful time with their unrealistic demands & expectations, so it’s no wonder so many people dread this supposed “most wonderful time of year.”  I plan to offer some survival tips today to help you survive a dysfunctional family gathering if you can’t get out of it.

First & foremost, pray.  Ask God to give you strength, wisdom, courage & anything else you can think of that you may need.  Ask Him to guide your words, too.  I can’t stress enough how important prayer is at any time but in particular regarding dealing with narcissists.

Remember you aren’t dealing with normal, functional people.  You’re dealing with people who have unrealistic expectations that no one can possibly meet.  When you let them down, & you will, remind yourself of this.  The inevitable guilt trips & shaming will follow, but if you remember that their expectations are designed so others will fail as a way to hurt & control, it helps you reject the guilt & shaming.

Also remember why this get together is so important.  It’s not about enjoying time together with loved ones & celebrating a special day.  It’s about appearances, & portraying the family as a happy, functional family.  When you see family members getting along well, remember that it’s just an illusion to create narcissistic supply.  Don’t let it suck you in.

Another important thing to remember is narcissists use gifts as one more tool to manipulate & control others.  They may give expensive, extravagant gifts as a way to make the receiver feel indebted to them or make the narcissist appear overly generous, even martyr-like to other people.  They may “forget” to give someone a gift or give an obviously thoughtless gift as a way to make receivers feel that they aren’t worthy of the narcissist’s affections.  Another popular narcissistic motivation is trying to change the receiver.  Rather than give the receiver what they truly want or need, they give that person what they think they should have.  They give clothes in their taste, not the receivers.  They give supplies for a hobby or interest that the receiver has no interest in, but they do.  This happened to me.  I foolishly told my mother in-law I hated to cook a couple of months before Christmas one year.  I knew she & her daughters loved to cook, but naively thought it wasn’t important I didn’t share this quality with them.  For Christmas, my mother in-law & both sisters in-law gave me all kinds of cooking items like food, cookbooks, dishes & utensils.  Clearly this was supposed to spark a newfound love of cooking in me.  It failed, & I threw away or gave away everything.

When a narcissist gives you a gift, you can be sure that one of the motives I just mentioned is in play.  If you can remember that, it helps make receiving their awful gifts a bit easier.  You won’t feel guilty for giving away or throwing out what they gave you when you know the motives behind that gift were bad.

If you are in the unenviable position of being forced to deal with a narcissist around Christmas, prioritize yourself.  Set boundaries & stick to them.  Only spend a couple of hours with the narcissist instead of all day.  Remember the Gray Rock Method.  Keep all conversation superficial & divulge nothing personal.  Change the subject back to the narcissist instead.  They love to talk about themselves, so use this to your advantage!  If you get a terrible gift, show no emotion.  Simply say thank you, then once you have the opportunity, get rid of the terrible gift. 

It won’t be fun but you can survive this situation with your sanity in tact! You can do it!

A Message For Trauma Survivors

Those who survive trauma suffer a great deal beyond the traumatic events they endured.  They also struggle with anxiety, depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder & more.  Experiencing trauma changes how your brain works & how you think.  Because of this, today I want to remind those of you who survived trauma of some important things.

You are strong.  I know, you don’t feel that way but you are.  Even if you have some serious struggles with your mental health, you’re strong.  You survived what easily could have killed another person.  Yes, you have some damage from that but you still survived.  That is proof that you are strong!

You are valuable.  Abusers do love to convince their victims that they are useless wastes of space don’t they?  The fact is though that they only say this because it keeps their victims down & easier to control, not because they believe it.  In fact, if they work hard to convince you that you have no value, it only goes to show that they know you are valuable.  If they believed you truly to be worthless, why would they work so hard to convince you that you are worthless?

You are not to blame for the abuse.  I don’t care what your abuser said, you are not to blame for anything they did.  You never made that person hurt you.  Nothing anyone says or does can force another person to abuse them.  Get mad, sure.  Maybe even hit someone in extreme cases.  But, ongoing abuse is the result of the decision to abuse someone over & over again.  That decision is the sole responsibility of abusers.

You didn’t deserve the abuse.  Again, I don’t care what your abuser said.  Nothing you did means you deserved whatever your abuser did to you.  They chose to abuse because of something very fundamentally wrong with them, not because of anything you did.

If your abuser was someone you fell in love with, that isn’t a reason for you to feel stupid or be ashamed of yourself.  Abusers aren’t horrible all of the time.  If they were, they’d be easy to spot & avoid.  Abusers often portray themselves as just what their victim wants in a mate, which is why good people fall in love with them every day.

You are allowed to talk about what he or she did to you.  Abusers love their victims to stay quiet & will not hesitate to use anything in their power to make that happen.  They don’t want anyone to know what they have done or are doing because that might mean someone would think badly of them, give them consequences for their behavior or even stop them from abusing their victims.  The truth though is that this isn’t just their story.  It’s yours too, which means you have every right to discuss it as much or as little as you want.  If they want you to talk about them in a good way, they shouldn’t have abused you!  Don’t forget too that discussing it isn’t trying to ruin their reputation.  It’s simply telling what happened to you.

Your wants & needs are valid.  Your desire to be treated with basic common decency is valid.  Normal, even.  Your wants & needs don’t mean you’re “high maintenance”, needy or impossible to please.

Your emotions are also valid.  Just because your abuser said you are over sensitive, overreacting or can’t take a joke doesn’t mean these things are true.  Your anger & hurt over their behavior are valid, & perfectly normal under the circumstances.

It’s perfectly ok to take days off.  So many abusers convince their victims that they’re lazy, & that often sticks around long after the abuse is over.  I struggle with this myself, so I want to tell you what I tell myself.  There is nothing wrong with taking days off.  It doesn’t mean you’re lazy.  It means you’re human & need some rest.  Healing from abuse & living with the mental & emotional struggles are a lot of work!  Rest is essential anyway but especially when you’re trying to heal.

I hope this post helps you to remember these important points.  I wish you the best!

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Signs Of Trauma Bonding

Trauma bonding, also known as Stockholm Syndrome, happens in abusive relationships.  It is when a person has an unnatural attachment to someone who abuses them.  It sounds far fetched to many people, but it can happen.  When a person suffers abuse yet that abuser periodically does acts of kindness for them, that can create a trauma bond.  An example could be someone whose narcissistic parents were abusive his entire life, yet also bought him his first car, put him through college & gave him money without question any time he asked.  Their generosity caused him to feel a bond to his parents in spite of the fact they abused him during childhood then continued to abuse not only him but also his wife & children.

Just because a person does something nice for you periodically doesn’t negate their abusive ways!  Abuse is abuse, no matter what perks may come along with it, & anyone in an abusive relationship needs to keep this in mind. 

There are some signs of trauma bonding that can help you to recognize if this is happening or has happened to you.

When in a relationship with someone you are trauma bonded to, that person comes first, period.  If the abuser is a romantic partner, you feel addicted to them.  If the abuser is a parent, they come first in your life, even above your friends, spouse, children, yourself & yes, even God.  The trauma bond keeps that person the top focus of your life.

On those rare occasions they do something good or nice for you, you doubt yourself.  You think you are just overreacting to the abuse.  After all, they did this great thing, so they’re not all bad, right?!

When the abuser hurts you, you make excuses for their behavior rather than confront them.  He had a bad day at work, or she just didn’t realize that saying that would be upsetting.

The abuser hurts you over & over, yet you continually try to please this person.  No sacrifice is too great on your part, either.  You will do anything for this person, no matter the personal cost or the cost to those who love you.

You become very self destructive.  The abuser has trained you to think you’re a failure & you don’t deserve anything good, so you sabotage yourself in every way imaginable to meet their expectations.  An example is you take jobs that you aren’t qualified for so when you get fired, the abuser can say, “I told you so.”  Or, you become romantically involved with someone the abuser doesn’t approve of, so they tell you that person is awful, unfaithful, dragging you down, after your money, or other nonsense. 

You have very damaged or even no self esteem because of this person’s abuse.  You don’t believe you deserve respect or love.  You believe you don’t have any value, & therefore will tolerate any manner of abuse & depravity this person wants to inflict on you.  You are willing to compromise your morals & standards to please them.

If you see yourself in these signs, chances are you are in a trauma bond with an abuser.  No matter who the abuser is, if at all possible, end the relationship immediately.  You don’t deserve to be treated this way by anyone.  You DO have worth & value!  You matter!  Protect yourself & end this relationship.  Break the trauma bond, focus on your healing & live the good life that you deserve!

You Deserve Compassion & Kindness!

Once someone has been abused, often they quietly & obliviously develop the misguided belief that they are unworthy of compassion & kindness. 

Most likely this comes from their abusers constantly telling them that they are a burden, they’re stupid, do nothing but cause problems & other things that instill a deep root of toxic shame in victims.  That toxic shame tells people that their feelings, needs, wants, pains & every other thing about them aren’t valid. 

Add into this the phrase “victim mentality” & the shame society often inflicts on anyone who says they were a victim.  Clueless & often heartless people say victims should’ve just walked away, pulled themselves up by their bootstraps, they should stop living in the past & being so negative.  It makes people feel that they deserved the abuse, & are weak for being abused or even having PTSD or C-PTSD as a result of the abuse, which only adds to the toxic shame.

Even worse than the toxic shame is the fact that being on the receiving end of such treatment makes people doubt the validity of their pain over their experiences.  They may think they weren’t abused so badly since their parent didn’t beat them, or their abusive husband “only” forced her to have sex a few times.  Other people have it so much worse, so their experiences couldn’t be all that bad, right?  WRONG!  They were bad!  In fact, they were worse than bad.  They were atrocious!  Being abused is horrible, no matter how frequently one is abused or whether it was verbal, physical, sexual, spiritual or financial. 

After being on the receiving end of such treatment, is it common for people to think they’re awful people, whining about trivial matters, so they don’t deserve any compassion or kindness.  Today, I want to tell anyone who feels this way that they are ABSOLUTELY WRONG!  I don’t care what your abusers said you were or that other people maybe had it “worse” than you.  Your pain is valid.  Your experiences were terrible.  You did NOT deserve any of it.  And, you deserve compassion and kindness! 

Whether you are comfortable admitting this or not, the truth is you have been through some pretty horrific things.  Those things weren’t your fault.  You did nothing whatsoever to deserve them.  You aren’t a bad person because others said you were & treated you terribly.  Their behavior speaks much more about them than it does you.  And, it doesn’t mean you are undeserving of compassion & kindness.  You are as worthy of compassion & kindness just as much as any other person.  In fact, you are just as worthy as any other person in every possible way, period.

If you haven’t begun to focus on your healing, maybe today is the day to start.  It will benefit you so much to do so!  Admitting the abuse was wrong & painful is an excellent place to start.  Also recognizing that the way your abuser treated you truly had nothing to do with you but with your abusers is powerful for healing.  Get angry about the unfairness & cruelty of what was done to you!  That will help you to see that you didn’t deserve it, & you deserve to be treated so much better.  Pray, write in a journal, seek a counselor that specializes in trauma or whatever helps you to heal.  The more you heal, the more you’ll recognize that you are valuable.  The more you recognize your own value, the less poor treatment from other people you will tolerate.  You also will recognize what you deserve, & that includes to be loved, respected & treated compassionately & kindly. 

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It’s Still Abuse If..

Many victims of abuse are quick to deny that they are actually being abused or have been abused.  A woman may defend her husband who beat her up saying she deserved it because she didn’t do something he wanted her to do, or he had too much to drink before he hit her.  A man is even more likely to deny being abused, thanks to the ridiculous attitude society has that women can’t abuse men.  Many men would rather convince themselves it wasn’t abuse than to deal with the disrespect & disdain they will receive if they admit it was. 

Unfortunately such denials are normal for many victims of abuse.  I did it myself.  Growing up, I told myself & others my mother was simply overprotective of me, & my father needed me to take care of him rather than him take care of me.  I was in my late teens when I realized my mother wasn’t simply overprotective, & about thirty years old when I realized my father was abusive.

I thought today it would be a good idea to spell out some facts about abuse that are commonly ignored, minimized or denied to help people to face the truth about abuse in their life.  I know this is a painful thing to face, but it truly is better to face it!  Once you face it, you can start to heal.  The pain you feel at facing the truth is absolutely going to be worth it when you can heal.

It’s still abuse if it wasn’t physical.  Abuse comes in many forms.  Someone can abuse you even if he or she never hit you.  Harsh words, criticisms, intimidation, invalidation, mind games, forcing you to perform sexual acts in spite of you not wanting to, isolating you from friends & family, controlling your money, & twisting Scripture to claim God is angry with you are all examples of abusive behavior that is not physical.

It’s still abuse if your abuser apologized.  Abusers often apologize, claiming they won’t do what they did ever again.  For a while, they don’t.  Things are good.  Suddenly though, once they believe that you are comfortable again, they go back into old patterns.  An apology without genuine efforts to change bad behavior long term is still abuse.

It’s still abuse if your abuser told you they love you.  Abusers claim to love their victim.  Maybe some do on some level, but that doesn’t mean that abusing you is acceptable just because you think this person may love you.

It’s still abuse if your abuser was abused as a child.  The phrase, “hurting people hurt people” is often a lie said by abusers & their enablers as a way to excuse abusive behavior.  Countless children have been abused, yet grew up to become kind, compassionate people who would rather do anything but hurt another person.

It’s still abuse if your abuser has a mental illness.  There are relatively few people with a mental illness who truly don’t know right from wrong.  Unless your abuser is one of those few people, he or she is using mental illness as an excuse to abuse.

It’s still abuse if there were good times in your relationship with your abuser.  No relationship is completely abusive.  If so, abusers would be much easier to identify.  Good times are natural in a relationship with an abuser, but they don’t nullify the abusive behavior.

It’s still abuse if your abuser is your elderly parent.  People often are under the delusion that all older folks are sweet & kind, especially to their own family.  Nothing could be further from the truth!  There are plenty of lovely older folks, but not all of them are.  Many of them are as cruel to their adult children as they were when they were younger, they just changed their tactics a bit to adjust with their age.

It’s still abuse if your abuser is a relative.  Many people put family on a pedestal, as if it’s impossible for family members to abuse other.  I can tell you that this is a complete lie, because I have been abused by several of my family members.  Family members can be the worst abusers of all.

If you recognize some of these behaviors in someone that you are in a bad relationship with, then the relationship is abusive.  You have the right to protect yourself from this behavior.  Exercise that right!  Do what you have to in order to protect yourself from this person, even if it means ending the relationship.  If you don’t know what to do, pray.  Ask God to help you.  Learn all you can about toxic relationships.  Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline, join online forums, read books.  Do whatever you have to do to learn about your toxic situation so you can formulate a plan on how to deal with the situation. 

How Surviving An Abusive Childhood Manifests In Relationships

When you come from an abusive childhood, that can create a lot of dysfunction in your life, but in particular in your relationships.  Today, I want to discuss some of the ways that dysfunction plays out.  Recognizing the dysfunctional behaviors may be painful at first, but it will help you by showing where you need healing.  That is valuable knowledge!

Many abused children struggle with having relationships with any genuine intimacy.  Even with those they are closest to, they aren’t comfortable sharing their innermost thoughts, feelings. desires & dreams.   They may listen to the innermost thoughts, feelings, desires & dreams of those they love, but they still won’t share their own.  They also may change the subject or deny any negative feelings they have if questioned because they are terrified of being this vulnerable with anyone.  This behavior comes from having a parent or two who ignored, mocked or rejected their emotional feelings.  When the most important person in your life who is supposed to love you unconditionally ignores, mocks or rejects something about you, it’s only natural to be afraid other people will do the same.  It takes time, prayer & good, loving, safe people in your life to overcome this behavior.  It also helps to remember that any parent who would do this to their own child clearly was the problem, not the child!

Many abused children have an intense fear of abandonment.  When a child grows up with parents whose behavior was inconsistent & unpredictable, they become afraid they would be abandoned at any moment.  They also assume other people are the same way as their parent.  This fear manifests as a person being clingy with the people in their life, even to the level of being co-dependent.  It also can manifest as being controlling of others with whom they are in a relationship.  My mother was like this.  Her parents divorced when she was very young, & her mother was a narcissist who kept her from her father.  I believe that left her with a deep fear of abandonment that manifested as being very controlling of my father & I.  Conquering this fear of abandonment isn’t easy but it is possible.  The more a person heals & becomes more functional, the healthier their self esteem becomes naturally.  As a result, a part of that is a person becomes more willing to end toxic relationships even if that means they are lonely for a season.  They also begin to attract healthier people who won’t hurt or abandon them, which helps to heal that fear of abandonment.

When parents show their children that their love is conditional, based on the child’s behavior & accomplishments, those children become people pleasers.  Children in this situation assume that unconditional love doesn’t exist, & to be loved, they must earn love.  It’s as if it doesn’t occur to them that the other person in the relationship should earn love though – only they must be the one to earn love.  Unlearning people pleasing behavior is TOUGH!  I’ve been there.  I did find that the more I healed, the less prone to it I was.  I’ve also found that slowing down & asking yourself why you are saying “yes” when you want to say no, or volunteering to do something you want no parts of to be helpful. 

Most abused children have dysfunctional relationships with abusers.  Friends, coworkers & even romantic interests often use & abuse these children until they reach a point in their lives where they start to focus on their own healing.  Possibly the most difficult part of breaking this pattern of behavior is to stop beating yourself up for getting involved with such toxic people, in particular, if you married one of them.  Just remember, you did the best you could with what you knew at that time.  If you didn’t know to do better, how could you expect yourself to do better?  That would make as much sense as expecting a toddler to know how to replace a car’s engine! 

If you find yourself in these situations I have described, it’s ok!  There is hope for you!  Focus on your healing, & the healthier you get, the healthier your relationships naturally will get as well.  I have found God to be vital to my healing.  Psalm 23:4 says that God walks with us through “the valley of the shadow of death” & I firmly believe that to be true!  He will be there for you during the hard, painful times of healing as He was with me. You’re not alone.  Lean on Him & let Him help you to heal!

When One Parent Is Abusive & The Other A Bystander

So many times over the years, I’ve gotten comments on my blog or by email from people who recognize they had an abusive parent.  They discuss how cruel that parent was, often explaining terrible tales of brutality that no child should have to face.  At some point, they mention their other parent.  From their description, you would think that parent borders on sainthood.  They say things like, “Mom knew Dad was a monster, but she gave me pointers on how to stay out of his way & not make him angry.”  “Dad was such a good guy.  He wouldn’t see the bad in anyone, even Mom.  He dealt with things by telling me that’s just how Mom is, she can’t help it, & encouraged me to forgive & forget what she did to me.”

Stories like this just break my heart.  These people truly believe what they say, & don’t realize that a passive parent is just as bad as an abusive parent.  Long ago, I was one of these people.

My mother was an overt narcissist.  Her abuse was undeniable.  It was loud, obvious & cruel, especially when I was in my late teen years.  I cried on my father’s shoulder about it many times.  The majority of those times, he turned the situation around to how painful it was for him & how helpless he was to stop the abuse.  Those times ended with me trying to comfort him.  Other times, he simply didn’t care.  I remember one time he gave me a pat on the knee & walked off.  He didn’t say anything but his attitude was one of “Wow.. glad I’m not you!”

For years, I thought this behavior was ok.  Normal even.  He was a great guy, & simply a victim of my mother like me, which is why he couldn’t (well, wouldn’t) help me.  In fact, I felt it was my duty to care for & protect him.  Yes, I am serious.  I honestly believed that it was my duty, as his child, to take care of & protect my father while not expecting him to care for & protect me.  Disturbing, isn’t it?

Sadly, many other adult children with abusive parents grew up believing the same things I did, which explains the many comments I’ve heard from adults who believe the same faulty way I once did.

The problem is this thinking is incredibly dysfunctional.  It’s not facing the truth, & the truth really will set us free!

Believing that one parent is good while the other abusive in these situations creates distrust & confusion about love & loyalty in children.  They think love & loyalty involve sacrificing not only your identity & beliefs, but even your children if need be.  If you’re unwilling to do that, you must not love that person.  This sets the stage for very dysfunctional & even abusive relationships in that child’s life. 

It also makes a child question themselves.  It’s normal for that child to grow up excessively angry at the overtly abusive parent because they simply don’t have the courage to be angry with the passively abusive parent.  One day when they realize this, they wonder what is wrong with them for not being able to accept both parents were abusive.

This type of thinking also happens a lot with people who can accept that their fathers were abusive, but not their mothers.  Admitting a father is abusive is easier than a mother.  Many mothers in such situations play up the appearance of being helpless victims who need their children to protect & coddle them.  Their children get so caught up in taking care of them, they seem to forget that it isn’t their job.  It’s their mother’s job to protect & care for them instead.

The first step to healthier thinking is to recognize both the good & bad aspects of both of your parents.  Writing these things out may be especially beneficial since written words have the ability to bring clarity that the spoken word often lacks.  Seeing your parents realistically is a healthy thing to do, & sets the stage for your healing.  This isn’t “wallowing in the past” or “blaming parents for everything.”  It is a legitimate & healthy step to take towards healing.

Dysfunctional Families And The Holidays

Since the holiday season is officially upon us, I thought it would be a good time to talk about dysfunctional families & the holidays.

The holiday season is supposed to be a joyful time of year, & spent with those you love the most.  Instead, for people with dysfunctional families & in-laws, it is the most dreaded time of year. 

These families make unreasonable demands, have their own traditions that allow no room for change & have no tolerance for anyone who doesn’t go along with their traditions & demands.  They turn a joyful time of year into one full of stress, anxiety, hurt feelings, & anger for anyone who doesn’t go along with their “one big happy family” charade. 

Clearly this is very common with narcissists, but those who are simply dysfunctional can behave in the same way.  Their motivations are different than their narcissistic counterparts.  It is usually done to make them feel as if their family isn’t dysfunctional.  After all, they always get together at the holidays, so they must be a close, happy family, right?

Whichever is your situation, you are in a frustrating, difficult & exasperating position.  I understand it all too well since I have been there more years than I care to remember with both dysfunctional people & narcissists.  I’ve learned some things that I think can help those of you who are currently in this situation.

Remember, as an adult, you aren’t obligated to do what your family or in-laws tell you to do.  Just because they think you need to obey their wishes & celebrate their way doesn’t mean that you need to do as they say.  Not doing as they want will upset them, & they will hurt you.  Think about this… is it worth wasting your time being miserable to appease them to avoid them basically pouting like a spoiled child?  Hopefully you feel you can handle their temper tantrum & spend the holidays as you want.  If you do, chances are you are going to feel guilty & hurt when they are mad at you, since that is normal.  When that happens, just remind yourself that you are a grown adult, & no one has the right to dictate how you spend your holidays.

If you opt not to spend your holidays with these people, then be sure to do something you enjoy doing.  Spend the day with friends instead of family.  Go on a trip.  Start your own traditions that don’t involve them. 

If you don’t feel you can avoid doing what your dysfunctional family & in-laws want you to do though, hope is not lost!  Rather than do everything they want, set some boundaries.  If they want you to spend all of Christmas day with them, say you only have a couple of hours to spend with them.  Or, offer to spend Christmas Eve or the day after Christmas with them.

I know setting boundaries with narcissists & very dysfunctional people can be hard, but you can do it!  If the suggestions I just made feel like too much, start small.  If this person wants you to be at their house at 11, say you will be there at noon.  If they want you to bring three dishes for dinner, offer to bring two instead.  Moves like this are small, but significant.  They help you take back some of your power.  Often, those small steps lead the way to setting bigger boundaries with confidence.

I also learned that after years of ridiculous holiday expectations of demanding dysfunctional people, I absolutely detest holidays no matter what I try to do to enjoy them.  The narcissists & dysfunctional people in my life ruined almost all of the holidays in my adult life.  Even though they are all gone from my life now, I still hate holidays.  I’ve spoken with other people who have been in similar situations who feel the same as me, so I am left to assume this is normal.  If this happens to you, don’t beat yourself up over it.  You can’t help how you feel.  Dysfunctional people made you feel this way, & there is nothing wrong with you for that.  Many people can’t understand feeling this way & can be quite hurtful with their judgments.  Don’t pay any attention to what they say.  Their opinion isn’t important.  Your feelings aren’t damaging their life in any way so you just be yourself & don’t worry about them!

When Narcissists Criticize You It Is About Them Not You

One of the cruelest things narcissists do to their victims is either saying or implying the most heartless, cruel things to their victims until their victims believe what the narcissist says about them is true.

What victims who are either currently being subjected to this or have recently escaped it don’t realize that the narcissist is lying.  They don’t believe a single word of what they say about their victims.  In fact, chances are that they find those things they criticize about their victims to be very good or enviable qualities.  If you think about what a narcissist has told you, you’ll probably see that this is what happened with you.

Did the narcissist tell you that you’re stupid?  Clearly you aren’t & others have admired your intelligence.  The narcissist had to beat you down by making you think you aren’t intelligent so that way you won’t realize what he or she is doing to you.

The same goes with your looks.  If a narcissist tells you that you’re too fat or thin, that’s a sign you have a great figure.  If they criticize your looks in general, they clearly have noticed other people either noticing how attractive you are or flirting with you.  Narcissists can’t handle their significant other thinking they are attractive.  That person might actually gain some self esteem & realize that they really can do much better than the narcissist if that were to happen.

If a narcissist criticizes some talent you have, that isn’t because you are doing something poorly or possess a talent that has no worth & value.  They may envy your talent, & since they can’t do it, they want to stop you from doing it too.

When a narcissist hates someone you love, that also isn’t because that person is a bad person.  Quite the opposite.  The narcissist recognizes that he or she loves you & is a good person.  My narcissistic ex husband hated my best friend & did his best to ruin our friendship.  I firmly believe it’s because he knew she saw the kind of person he really was, & was afraid she would talk me into leaving him.  This scenario happens all the time with narcissists.

This cruelty goes for any criticism the narcissist says.  They have various reasons for doing this beyond what I mentioned already.

Mostly when narcissists are critical, narcissists are trying to gain control over their victim.  If a person is beaten down enough by someone, they will relinquish control to that person because they feel they are incapable of doing much of anything.  Narcissists are extremely skilled at gaining control over people in this way.

Also, when a narcissist’s victim outshines them in any capacity, it threatens the narcissist’s ego.  They can’t handle such threats so they try to tear that victim down as a way to eliminate the threat.  I experienced this so much with my mother.  Anytime I received a complement in her presence, she would punish me for it.  Often, she would be angry with me, & become especially cruel with her criticisms.  Other times, she would tell me that the person who said that was stupid or had poor judgment.  Either way, the message was clear- I didn’t deserve the complement.  I needed to be put back in my place, which was definitely beneath her.

If you have been or are currently being subjected to the cruel, scathing criticisms of a narcissist, I hope you will remember what I have said.  Please don’t take what they say to heart, because what they say isn’t true!  It’s a lie said for the sole purpose of benefitting them somehow.

For Those Who Blindly Support Parents Whose Children Severed Ties With Them

Severing ties with one’s parents is becoming a more common activity.  Sadly, many people abuse do this because of very valid reasons such as their parents are abusive.  Even more sadly though is it seems the parents in these situations get so much more love & support than their children.

Abusive parents in these situations are often very loud with their feelings, anger, lies, justifications but not the truth.  The closest they come to the truth is stating half truths, such as their child severing ties with them.  They fail to share the reasons why their adult child severed ties, only that they did.  That half truth combined with their lies & false accusations mean people listen to them & support them, often blindly.  They pity these poor people who are now getting older, & their own children won’t even help them out.  How selfish & entitled their adult children are, they say.

These same devoted supporters offer not one iota of concern or care for the adult children in these situations.  In a way that makes sense since they believe that the adult children in question are such horrid people as to abandon their own parents for no reason whatsoever.  It makes you wonder if these people have any desire to know the truth about what really has happened.

I want to ask these devoted supporters some questions today.

Did it ever occur to you that there are other sides to this story beyond the side you heard from the abandoned parent?  You have heard ONE side to this story only.  Why is that acceptable to you? 

Do you realize that abusive people create a false persona that they show to other people & only their victims see their abusive, evil side?  It’s true.  Look at well known serial killers.  Ted Bundy was described as charming, Jeffrey Dahmer as quiet & John Wayne Gacy as a pillar of the community. 

Did you ever take two seconds to question why any child, no matter their age, would abandon their parent?  While it’s true, some people abandon people in their lives for no valid reason, they are in the vast minority.  The majority of people have valid reasons for ending relationships, in particular those closest to them.

Did it ever occur to you that someone ending a relationship, in particular such a close one as the parent/child relationship, almost never does so on a whim?  When people end relationships of any sort, thought goes into it.  The closer the relationship, the more thought is going to go into ending that relationship.  The adult child who goes no contact with a parent may have done so in a way that appears sudden, but rest assured, PLENTY of thought went into that action prior to following through with it.  Sometimes what triggers no contact isn’t the worst act the abusive parent has done.  Instead, it’s the straw that broke the camel’s back.

If the parent in this situation is so upset about their child “abandoning” them, why did they not treat that child better in the first place in the hopes of preventing this from happening one day?

Do you realize that no contact is different than the silent treatment?  Someone who gives the silent treatment will speak to that person they swore never to speak to again, then stop speaking to them, then start speaking to them, & stop, & the cycle repeats.  No contact is as its name states – no contact.  When someone truly goes no contact, they block all access to someone & refuse to interact with them on a permanent basis.  This is done to protect themselves.  The silent treatment is so wishy washy because it is all about manipulation.  It is done to punish someone, & when they have begged & pleaded enough, they will be allowed to return to the person’s life until their next transgression.  If you look at the person’s behavior that has stopped speaking to their parent, you can tell the difference very easily.  No contact is a healthy & even Godly option, unlike the silent treatment.

Where is your concern for real victims?  Do you have any?  It would do you well to spent less time trying to shame victims into returning to an abusive situation & more time showing them compassion & love.

When Narcissistic In-Laws Say “You Stole My Son Or Daughter!”

In the years I’ve been writing about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I’ve talked to lots of people.  As if my own experience didn’t teach me enough, I’ve learned a lot more from the wonderful people who shared their stories with me.

One of the things I’ve learned about people with narcissistic in-laws is what I want to talk to you about today.

Narcissistic in-laws often are cruel to the spouse of their adult child in countless ways.  One of them is shaming that person for having complete control over their adult child.  This often manifests for others in the same way it did for me.  Like many others with narcissistic in-laws, I was accused of “stealing” my husband & keeping him from his family. 

For the sake of simplicity & also because it’s just fun to say it this way, I will refer to the accusers as “in-laws” & those of us who supposedly steal someone from their family as “outlaws.” 

Narcissistic in-laws must have things their way in every area, including in their children’s lives.  Many would prefer that child not marry, so that way, there is no interference in the control they have over their adult children.  If he or she does marry however, they need to marry someone of which the in-laws approve.  Marrying someone who doesn’t meet up to the in-laws’ standards means things will get ugly, in particular for the outlaw. 

In addition to the frequent scathing criticisms, excluding & shunning the outlaw, & a thousand other ways they let the outlaw know they are not good enough for this family. One thing almost all narcissistic parent in-laws or narcissistic siblings will say is that the outlaw stole the victim from his or her family.  Outlaws like me who are accused of this are almost always shocked since they are hardly controlling people, let alone manipulative enough to control their spouse.  Yet, the accusation is said anyway.

Chances are, when this outlaw talks to their spouse, the victim of the in-laws, he or she will defend the in-laws, minimize their behavior or even deny it entirely.  Naturally this causes a lot of problems in the marriage.

If you are in this situation of being an outlaw as I have been, I know it’s hard.  You definitely will need some ways to cope while minimizing the chances of the in-laws getting their way & destroying your marriage.

When you & your spouse discuss the in-laws, maintain a calm demeanor as much as you possibly can.  Showing your anger will make your spouse feel he or she must defend & protect the in-laws.  Staying calm minimizes the possibility of that happening so you can have an actual discussion about the problem.

Use logic & ask questions when your spouse defends the in-laws.  It is totally reasonable to ask why your spouse thinks it’s acceptable for your in-laws to do what they do to you both.  Ask why he or she doesn’t consider their behavior disrespectful to you, your spouse & your marriage.  Ask for examples of the bad behavior they accuse you of doing.  Expect answers, & don’t let your spouse avoid giving them.  Being forced to think about these things will hurt, so he or she most likely won’t want to give them, but it is vital.  He or she needs to see the truth of the situation in order to deal with it correctly.

If your spouse refuses to see the truth, you may be forced to sever all ties with the in-laws.  It won’t make your spouse happy, but you must protect your mental health & avoid these toxic people.  If you must do this, stick to your convictions & refuse to talk to them at all while not telling your spouse that they must choose you or their family.  The person who gives the ultimatum on these situations almost always ends up abandonded, which is why I say that. 

Most of all, pray, pray, pray!  In such a delicate situation, you need God’s wisdom & for Him to guide your timing & words.  Leaning on Him is the smartest thing you can do in this situation.

I truly wish you all the best in your situation, & am praying for you!

When Your Family Refuses To See You As Anything But A Dysfunctional Child

When you grew up in a dysfunctional family, one of the most frustrating parts of it is that your family never sees you as a mature, independent adult.  If you have done your best to escape the dysfunction & live in a healthier way &/or have decided to live your life for Jesus, this is especially common & frustrating.  The dysfunctional family never will see you as a healthy, God fearing adult.  Instead they only see you as the dysfunctional child you once were.

This is so incredibly frustrating!  Even when you know that they’re content remaining in their dysfunction, it seems like they could at least acknowledge that you have changed.  Even if they disagree with your changes, that doesn’t seem like to much to ask, yet sadly it really is for the most dysfunctional of people. 

People who are content living their dysfunctional lives hate those who are a threat to it in any way.  Anyone who doesn’t condone or enable the dysfunction obviously is a problem.  Anyone who is a part of this toxic family & doesn’t condone or enable the dysfunction is especially problematic for such people.

A member of such a family who dares to live their life in such a way as to be different from the family or the family’s expectations for them is absolutely a problem for these people.  That behavior is seen as being rebellious or even betraying the family.  It’s as if they think, how dare someone be so arrogant & think that they’re so much better than the family as to live life on their own terms rather than fit onto the mold the family has made for them!

Even Jesus faced this problem.  His own family didn’t take Him or His work seriously.  Imagine that.  The family of Jesus didn’t take Him seriously!  Isn’t that amazing?!  In Matthew 13:57-58 in the Amplified Bible, Jesus says, “And they took offense at Him [refusing to believe in Him]. But Jesus said to them, “A prophet is not without honor except in his hometown and in his own household.” ⁵⁸And He did not do many miracles there [in Nazareth] because of their unbelief.”

If you’re from a dysfunctional family & they treat you as they always have in spite of you growing up, getting healthier & even turning to God, then you are truly not alone!  Even Jesus experienced this.

I know it hurts when your own family treats you so poorly.  It can seem like the best choice would be to return to your old, dysfunctional ways so they stop mistreating you, but I promise you, that isn’t best!  I have been in this position since my family never saw me as anyone but the dysfunctional, blindly obedient & foolish child I once was.  Returning to those behaviors may have made them tolerate me, but I would have been miserable!  What is best is to keep walking the path that you know God has for you.

It also helps to remember that when people treat you in such a manner, it isn’t personal.  It literally has nothing to do with you, even though it certainly feels personal.  It has everything to do with the person behaving this way, their toxicity & their desire to avoid becoming healthier at all costs.  They are so truly toxic that they have zero problem with hurting another person if that will protect their dysfunctional ways & help them to avoid facing what made them this way.  That is pretty terrible!  There is no shame in being dysfunctional of course, so long as you are willing to work on it & improve yourself!  Being determined to live that way forever, no matter how much pain it causes other people, however, is absolutely toxic.

If at all possible, your best bet it to avoid such people.  If that isn’t possible, then do your best to minimize contact with them, stay true to yourself & your beliefs, & never forget to ask God to help you find creative & effective ways of dealing with such people.

I’d Love Your Thoughts On A New Idea I Have

I’ve been toying with the idea of creating some digital ebook type courses, maybe printables. Nothing overly expensive of course. I always try to minimize costs of everything I write & these would be no exception to that. (Kinda weird to do, by the way.. I want costs to be cheap but not so cheap people see them & think “This can’t be any good.. it’s too cheap!” lol)

I need your thoughts on this idea.

First of all, is this something you would be interested in? I know written type courses aren’t as popular as audio or video, so I wonder if this would be appealing.

Second, if you like the idea, got any ideas on topic matter? I have a few but still would love to hear your thoughts to see if I’m on the right page (so to speak) with my readers.

If you’d like to answer my questions, feel free to comment or email me at CynthiaBaileyRug@aol.com

Thank you for your help, everyone!! I love & appreciate you! 😘❤️

Subtle Signs Of Dysfunctional, Abusive Families

No family is perfect, but some families are less perfect than others.  Many of those “less perfect” families are downright dysfunctional & even abusive.  Today I’m sharing signs of the dysfunctional & abusive family.

Parentification is a big indicator of a dysfunctional & abusive family situation.  This is when the parent & child roles are reversed, & the child is supposed to care for the parent.  Children in this position are supposed to do things no child should have to do, such as being their parent’s emotional caregiver including such inappropriate things as listening to their parent’s woes about their marital problems or sex life, nurse them back to health after a hangover or overdose, or even care for younger siblings as a parent should do.  Parentified children are often described as growing up so fast because their role has forced them to behave as adults rather than allowing them to be children.  They also lack healthy boundaries, tolerate one sided relationships & continue to keep their parents as their top priority over their spouse, children & even themselves.  When they are growing up, people on the outside often think these children & their parents are close, & praise this relationship.  This leads the child to feel confused & even ashamed that they are unhappy with this role.

Unmet needs are another sign of a dysfunctional, abusive family situation.  Children have a lot of needs that go beyond the basic food, clothing & shelter such as nurturing, teaching & caring for their emotional health.  Many abusive parents meet those basic needs, yet neglect those other important needs.  Children who grow up this way have trouble with being inappropriately clingy in relationships & overly dependent or they go the opposite way & become very cold & aloof.  Either way causes problems in their relationships.

Unrealistic expectations definitely point to a dysfunctional & abusive family.  Some parents hold their children to higher standards than adults.  Those children are never allowed to be in a bad mood or fail a test, yet their parents are allowed to yell or even hit the child just because they had a bad day at work or someone cut them off in traffic.  This puts incredible stress on the child who feels they must be perfect as a way to earn their parent’s love.

Parents who often fight in front of their child are creating a very dysfunctional & abusive situation.  I grew up this way, & can tell you from experience it is a horrible way to grow up!  I felt so insecure when my parents fought & also like I should do something to help them stop fighting.  This is so typical of how children in this situation feel.  It leads to these children feeling intense anxiety at any hint of conflict & also feeling overly responsible for the other people in their lives, as if they must take care of those people.

People who grow up in such environments grow into dysfunctional adults with a lot of relationship troubles.  They may become controlling people who will do anything or hurt anyone they deem necessary to avoid further pain.  More commonly though, they also may go the exact opposite way & become extremely submissive.  They become people pleasers who will do anything for anyone even at the expense of themselves. 

If any of this describes you, please remember some things.

You are only responsible for yourself.  You are not responsible for meeting the needs of other people.  Yes, you can help them, but doing so to the extent of harming yourself is dysfunctional. 

There is nothing wrong or bad about caring for yourself & having reasonable boundaries.  You need to take care of yourself just as much as & even more than you are willing to do for other people.

Family shouldn’t demand all of your time, energy, finances, etc.

Healthy relationships are a two way street.  Toxic relationships are not.  They take while giving nothing or almost nothing back.

Love should be unconditional, never conditional.  In other words, someone should love you based on who you are, not what you do for them.  Conditional love is one of the hallmarks of abusers.

15% Off My Print Books Until October 7, 2022

My publisher is having yet another sale! 15% off all print books when you use code PUMPKIN15 at checkout.

My print books can be found at the following link:

https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

Doing Another New Thing

Recently as I’ve mentioned before, I’ve decided to get into doing podcasts. I just decided to add them to Instagram. They are the same as my podcasts on YouTube- a picture of my logo with a podcast audio attached, just on a different platform. Lots of people like Instagram, so I figured it’s a good outlet for them.

Not sure what else, if anything I’ll do with Instagram. I may add the memes about NPD I’ve made & any future ones I make. I don’t know just yet. God will show me what to do though, of that I have no doubt.

If you’re on Instagram, & want to check them out, then follow the link below. I only have uploaded 1 so far, but hubby is on vacation so I simply haven’t had the time yet to do more. I will after he goes back to work.

https://www.instagram.com/cynthia_bailey_rug/

Feeling Burdened By Others After Growing Up With An Emotionally Incestuous/Enmeshed/Parentalizing Parent

Growing up with a parent who treats you more as their romantic partner rather than their child is extremely traumatic.  It is referred to as emotional incest, enmeshment, covert incest, parentalizing & parentification, & it’s a form of sexual abuse whether or not sexual contact is a part of this abuse.  It creates a LOT of serious problems in the lives of victims.  Today, we will focus on only one of those problems – feeling burdened by other people.

The person who grows up with an emotionally incestuous parent has spent their entire life focused on their parent.  Their parent is their top priority in childhood, & even into adulthood until they recognize this is a problem.  They listen to their parent’s woes (in particular about their marriage or relationship), they try to cheer them up when they are sad, fix their problems, protect them if the other parent is abusive, & basically anything else their parent wants them to do no matter the personal cost.  After a lifetime of this dysfunctional caregiving, it is natural to feel burned out on doing for other people.  The problem is that natural or not, it is damaging to other relationships.

No one wants to be in a relationship with another person that is totally one sided.  Whatever type of relationship this is, whether it is romantic, family or friendship, this type of relationship is miserable & dysfunctional.  Doing with receiving nothing in return is fine once in a while, but when it is the norm, it is depressing, will lead to a lot of resentment & most likely the relationship will end.

Similarly, no one wants to be married to someone knowing that their parent always will be more important to them, that the demanding parent’s needs always come first, that they are looked at as an intruder & feeling like anything they want from their spouse is a huge burden while anything the parent wants is done without complaint.  It is a miserable way to live, & the majority of people will divorce a spouse like this.

If you are a victim of emotional incest, please know that by continuing to tolerate this abuse from your parent, this is what you are doing to those people in relationships with you.  I am not telling you this to hurt you, only to open your eyes of the damage being done & the unfairness of it all.  People who love you don’t deserve to feel this way.  It’s not fair to them.  It also is not fair to you for your parent to treat you so badly & for that parent to do so much harm to you that you are damaging relationships with people you love. 

And, if you are still in this situation with your parent, please do your best to put an end to it.  Start setting limits & boundaries on what you will & won’t tolerate from your parent.  It can be intimidating to do this at first so start small.  Don’t take their call or reply to their text right away.  It’s a baby step that helps you to take back some of your power.  Do more & bigger things as you feel able to do them.  It may take some time, but you will become able to stop tolerating their behavior.  The more you do this, the less burdened you will feel in general, which means the more you will be able to give back in your relationships.

Get to know yourself better.  Chances are, you didn’t have much time for that because caring for your parent took up too much of your time.  It’s long overdue.  Get to know the real you, not the person your parent wants you to be.  It’ll help you in many ways, including learning what you are willing & unwilling to tolerate in the relationship with your parent.

Get angry about what your parent has done to you.  You have every reason to be angry, because treating anyone this way is simply cruel & wrong!  You never deserved it!  Allow yourself to feel that anger & vent it in healthy ways like prayer, talking to someone close to you, journaling, or even talking to a therapist.

And never forget that you do have one loving parent.  God is the most loving parent you could hope to have.  Talk to Him about what is going on.  Lean on him to help you heal, figure out the best way to handle this relationship with your abusive parent, & to help heal damaged relationships.  He absolutely will do it.

Save 10% On All My Print Books Until Sept. 2, 2022!

My publisher is having another sale. 10% off all print books until September 2, 2022 when you use code INNOVATION10 at checkout.

My print books can be found at this link:

https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug