Another Tool Narcissists Use To Abuse: Making Victims Feel Invisible

As anyone who’s been abused by a narcissist knows they have many tools at their disposal that they use to abuse.  One of those awful tools is by making their victims feel like they are invisible.

Making a person feel invisible destroys their self-esteem and makes them very easy to control and manipulate. That is why narcissists do this.  Well, that & the joy they get from destroying their victims of course..

To accomplish this goal, narcissists use a few creative tactics.  They ignore their victims’ accomplishments, they downplay anything that is going on with the victim whether the thing is good or bad, & they often will act like the victim does not exist. The silent treatment is a very good example of acting like a victim doesn’t exist.  It’s an extremely effective way to make someone feel invisible, because the person using it acts like their victim does not even exist & that person isn’t worth even their time or energy to speak to.

Narcissists usually treat their victims this way when they have done something the narcissist does not approve of, such as failing to provide narcissistic supply or setting healthy boundaries.  

Narcissistic parents use this tool from day one of their child’s life to keep that child down & easily controllable.  Most children of narcissistic parents can’t remember their parents giving them compliments more than maybe once or twice in their life if at all, but they can recall their parents saying terrible and cruel things to them repeatedly throughout their entire lives, ignoring any accomplishments or acting as if anything happening in their lives was unimportant.  Narcissistic romantic partners often start out full of flattery but evolve into cruel insults as the relationship progresses.  They also have nothing but time for their romantic partner when the relationship is new but as time passes, suddenly have less time to devote to their partners.

While these tactics may not sound so bad they truly are.  When they are done over & over for an extended period of time, they erode a person’s self-esteem until that self-esteem has been destroyed.  That, of course, is the goal of any narcissist.

If you have been or are currently in this situation with a narcissist, my heart goes out to you.  I have been there myself, & I know just how painful it can be.  

I want you to remember something.  Anyone who does this sort of thing to another person clearly is the one with the problem.  The reason you need to remember this is so you know with every fiber of your being that you are truly not the problem, & that the other person is the problem.  I know that sounds like common sense but when you were in the midst of the situation or recently removed from it, it can be difficult to remember that.

Also, just because someone thinks you are unworthy of their time, attention, or love, does not mean that is true.  In fact, I believe that when a person treats another this way it shows the type of character that person has rather than the type of character their victim has. 

The next time this happens to you, I want you to ask yourself something.  Ask yourself why is this person treating me this way, what have I done that makes them believe this type of egregious behavior is justifiable?  Chances are that you can’t come up with anything that would justify this awful behavior.  Doing this simple exercise can help you to counteract the damage done by a narcissist trying to make you feel invisible.

You Make Me Feel…

So many people say that no one can make you feel a certain way, & imply that you are weak if you “allow” someone to hurt you.  While saying no one can make you feel anything sounds empowering, I find it to be ridiculous, & often a form of victim blaming.

While it is certainly true in some cases, in many cases, people definitely can make you feel certain emotions.  If someone you love tells you that you look beautiful, they will make you feel good.  If that same someone tells you that you look horrible, they will make you feel bad.  If a total stranger said the exact same things, it wouldn’t mean so much to you because you won’t care nearly as much what a stranger thinks of you as you care about what someone you love thinks of you.  In fact, if a stranger said either thing, you may not even care at all.

So often when you have a narcissistic parent, other people don’t understand how, as an adult with your own life, their cruel words can hurt you.  They may say you should just ignore her, stop letting her get to you, you’re letting her make you feel that way, or similar invalidating things.  If it was only so easy!  It’s much easier to ignore a nasty stranger than it is your own mother, the woman you know beyond a shadow of a doubt is saying these things for the sole purpose of hurting you.  How can someone, especially your own mother, wanting to hurt you not affect you?  You would have to have a heart of stone not to be at least a little hurt by such a thing!

I want to encourage you today to have some balance.  Don’t let the ignorance, rudeness or even nastiness of some people bother you when you are able, & deal with the upset feelings when you aren’t able to disregard bad behavior directed at you. If you care even a little about another person, they absolutely can make you feel things, & that is totally normal!  There is nothing wrong with you or abnormal about you for being hurt by your narcissistic mother.  She is your mother- that role gives her a unique position no one else ever had or ever will have in your life, so don’t you think it’s only natural that she has the ability to hurt you or anger you when she is hateful to you??

Telling the victim of narcissistic abuse that no one, including her narcissistic mother, can make her feel a certain way to me is a type of victim blaming, which is sadly very common in today’s society.

Give Yourself Permission To Feel Your Feelings

Being raised by narcissistic parents, you learn early in life that your feelings have no value.  No one cares if you are angry or sad, so you need to ignore those feelings.  Keep that to yourself & don’t go bothering Mom or Dad with them!

Unfortunately this dysfunctional, unhealthy habit often continues into adulthood.  I admit it, I’m guilty of the same thing.  I will be 44 years old in April, & still automatically stifle my feelings.  Not good!

Stifling your feelings is unhealthy both mentally & physically.  Mentally, stifling our feelings can make us very angry &/or depressed.  Physically, health problems such as heart disease, kidney disease, high blood pressure & ulcers can happen.  Feeling them, the good, bad & indifferent, however, leads to less physical problems & more peace & joy.  My husband & I were friends with the realtor who helped us to find our home.  He was very open about the fact he had bipolar disorder.  He explained he lived with it since his teens, but went undiagnosed for a long time. Eventually, he was diagnosed & found the right combination of medications that helped him stay stable.  He was also very in touch with his emotions, probably as a result of living with the awful disorder, which I thought was so cool!  (Honestly, I was a bit jealous since I’ve always had problems in that area)

God gave us feelings to let us know when something is good or bad.  They are the reason we can enjoy a lovely day with our spouses or we know when someone is mistreating us.  Feelings are a wonderful thing, so long as we don’t live life guided only by them.  If we did, then we would do only the things we want to do.  Not good since we wouldn’t do the less fun things in life such as- going to the grocery store, doing laundry, visiting a sick friend or relative in the hospital or other necessary things.

I just wanted to encourage you today to give yourself permission to feel your feelings.  In spite of what you probably heard as a child, you *are* allowed to feel things.  You are allowed to be angry, sad, or happy.  If God gave you these feelings, then you certainly are allowed to feel them in spite of what anyone else tells you!  Choose today to listen to Him, & silence the voice of others who want to control you!  They only want what is best for them, not what is best for you.  God wants what is best for you!