When Narcissists Befriend Your Friends & Family

One of the many ways narcissists are incredibly dangerous is how they want to win over the friends & families of their victims.   While this may not sound particularly dangerous, it truly can be.  It also can be destructive to a person’s life.

When a narcissist befriends those close to their victim, the narcissist learns a lot about that victim.  Naturally the narcissist & the victim’s loved one will discuss the victim at some point, & the victim’s loved one will mention something about them that will benefit the narcissist.  Maybe the victim started a new job or moved.  This person telling the narcissist information has provided the narcissist important information.  If the narcissist is the stalking type, now he or she knows new locations to find the victim.  If the narcissist doesn’t stalk, he or she still can cause problems.  The narcissist can make anonymous phone calls to get the victim in trouble with their boss or landlord.

Or, the victim’s loved one may mention something just in passing that infuriates the narcissist, such as the victim has started dating someone new.  If the narcissist hasn’t moved on, this will be a huge narcissistic injury.  Some especially malignant narcissists may be so evil, this news makes them decide to kill the victim.  If the narcissist isn’t that malignant, he or she still can cause problems for the victim & their new love interest in countless ways.  The narcissist might show the new love interest pictures of the victim & narcissist together claiming they never broke up.  The narcissist may even show provocative pictures taken of the victim during their time together.  The possibilities are endless.

There is also the likelihood that the victim’s relationships will be damaged, often beyond repair, by this new “friendship” with the narcissist.  When someone you’re close to suddenly becomes friends with your ex, it can be hurtful.  It’s also very suspicious if they never were friends while you were together.  When they know that your ex was abusive & are unapologetically on good terms with that person, that is a thousand times more hurtful.  It’s an obvious betrayal & proof that this person isn’t loyal to you.  That alone can end a relationship with a friend or relative, but if that person becomes the narcissist’s flying monkey, it’s pretty much a guarantee the victim will end that relationship. 

The narcissist doesn’t have to be an ex significant other for this to happen either.  It happens often in families when one relative is abused by their narcissistic parent.  People take sides, & usually they side with the narcissist.  It seems that every culture has this unspoken belief that parents can do no wrong & children should love them no matter what.  Plus, narcissists are very convincing actors, which helps them win people over to their side. 

In either scenario, once the narcissist befriends their victim’s friends or family, that victim will end up losing relationships.

Narcissists are aware of such things happening which is why they try to befriend their victim’s friends & family.  They stand to gain a great deal by doing this.  They also know they are stealing their victim’s support system, which hurts the victim.  They enjoy being able to hurt that person without so much saying a word to them. If you are in this situation where the narcissist in your life has befriended those close to you, my heart goes out to you.  Not only were you hurt by the narcissist, but by people you never thought would hurt you.  If you are still in a relationship with those people, chances are excellent that it’s in your best interest to end those relationships immediately.  Anyone who can befriend someone who abused you is NOT your friend.  They are too cowardly to stand up for what is right by telling the narcissist to get lost. 

Narcissistic Friends

Many of us who have been raised by narcissistic parents seem to end up with many other narcissists in our lives.  We often end up romantically involved with them or friends with them.  Like many others, I have experienced both, mostly narcissistic friends.  I’ve also found precious little information available about narcissistic friendships, so I decided to tackle the topic myself.

People who come on too strong when first meeting you can be narcissists.  That new friend who you just met yet who wants to spend lots of time with you or claims you’re their best friend may be a narcissist.  Some folks who act in this way are simply insecure, but even so, you should be aware that there is a possible a sign of narcissism.

Friends who talk down to you are often narcissists.  Narcissists seem to think they are superior to their victims, & don’t mind showing it.  They act smug & talk to victims as if they are much less intelligent than the narcissist.

Your friend who can’t be bothered with your problems is probably a narcissist.  Remember, narcissists all lack empathy.  If you tell your friend you have a problem & they act bored, act as if they can’t be bothered, trivialize your problem or change the subject, these are all red flags of a lack of empathy.

If your friendship is one sided, that’s a big red flag of narcissism.  A good friendship is balanced.  Sure, sometimes your friend will need more from you than usual, but there are also times you will need more from your friend than usual.  It balances out.  When the bulk of your friendship is your friend taking from you while giving nothing in return, chances are your friend is a narcissist.

Narcissists expect their friends to be available to them 24/7, & believe there are no excuses for not being available.  Narcissistic friends have no problems calling at 11:00 at night even knowing you need to be up for work at 5 a.m.  If you don’t take their call, they say you’re a terrible friend, accuse you of not caring  & more. If they need a ride somewhere, that is what you are for, to provide it.  In fact, if they need anything, you are supposed to meet that need.

If your friend talks non stop about himself or herself, while never or almost never asking about you, that is another sign of narcissism.  Narcissists almost never stop talking about themselves.  Overt narcissists may brag about their fantastic accomplishments or covert ones may be subtle in discussing the things they do for others.  They may discuss their problems or interests non stop.

Once you realize your friend is a narcissist, it’s usually best to end the friendship if at all possible, as is often the solution with any narcissistic relationship.  Most often I believe the Gray Rock method is the best way to end a relationship with a narcissistic friend.  In other words, become boring to your friend.  Take their calls, spend time with them & do things for them less & less.  When they get mad at you, pretend it doesn’t bother you in the slightest.  Show them no reaction or emotion.  If they demand to know why you weren’t available, give no excuses.  Just say you were busy, & change the subject.  When they talk about themselves, act disinterested.  The more boring a narcissist finds a person, the less time they want to spend with that person.  Often, they get bored enough to discard their victim.

Having a narcissistic friend isn’t easy, but you can protect yourself & handle the situation!  Remember the kind of person you are dealing with, keep your emotions under control around them & conduct yourself accordingly.

Isolation

Narcissists love keeping victims to themselves, & will go to any means necessary to accomplish it.  Isolating a victim gives an abuser plenty of advantages…

The victim with no support system without caring friends & family, which often makes a victim easier to control.  Supportive friends & family give a person strength & help to raise their self-esteem, which are two qualities no abuser wants in a victim.

If a victim doesn’t even realize the situation he or she is in is abusive, caring people in his or her life will recognize it.  They will call the victim’s attention to it & convince the victim that he or she deserves better.  They also will do their level best to help the victim to escape.  Certainly no narcissist wants this scenario!

Lacking that support system also can lead to depression.  Depressed people are much easier to control than happy people.  They simply don’t care as much about anything, including themselves, so they may go along with all kinds of things.  They also won’t talk back or question an abuser like a healthy person would.  They don’t think they deserve any better, so they are easy to manipulate which works out very well for abusers.

Also with isolation, this severely limits the information available to a victim.  This means a victim is less likely to realize how wrong the abuse is & more likely to tolerate the abuse without question.  Isolation also means an abuser can control what information the victim is privy to, which is extremely advantageous to abusers.

Isolation can be accomplished by several different means, & abusers will use any or all of these tactics to get their way.

If a victim already has friends &/or relatives they are close to when the abusive relationship begins, most abusers will sow seeds of doubt in their victims’ minds about those relationships.  My ex husband did this.  We met just before I turned 17, & even then, he was starting to work on isolating me.  It got worse after we were married, though.  He began telling me that my best friend wasn’t really a good friend.  At the time, her now ex husband was doing the same thing regarding me.  As a result, our friendship ended.  (Thankfully we got back in touch after our divorces & are now inseparable.)  My ex also told me that my grandparents, who I adored, hated me & didn’t believe me that my mother was abusive, so I shouldn’t talk to them anymore.  He did it enough that I did sever ties with them for years.

If an abuser isn’t successful at making a victim doubt a person, they have other ways to destroy the relationship.  If their victim is with someone, they can call  constantly, interrupting that time together & generally being highly annoying.  Before getting together with someone, the abuser can create some crisis, forcing the victim to cancel their plans.  Bonus for them is if they can make the victim not tell the person they had plans with, to just stand them up, because certainly that person will be angry.  Abusers also may keep victims so busy, they simply have no time to spend with anyone but the abuser.

Another way to isolate victims is for an abuser to show their disgust with the victim’s friends or family.  Constantly talking about how bad the people the victim cares about are can erode the love the victim feels for them.  The victim may begin to see these people as the narcissist does, & the victim ends those relationships voluntarily.

If the victim grows up with an abusive parent, that abuser has a big advantage that a romantic partner lacks.  The abusive parent can control the child from birth, & refuse to allow that child to befriend anyone of whom the parent doesn’t approve.  The parent can keep the child so close that the child has no opportunity to make friends.  A parent can even home school the child or refuse to allow the child to spend time with extended family, & the child must do as he or she is told.

If you’re involved with someone, anyone, who undermines your relationships or tries to separate you from others, it’s a HUGE red flag!  If at all possible, don’t let this person isolate you!  Maintain your healthy relationships!  They are truly invaluable!

Changes

Happy Saturday, Dear Readers!

This has been a somewhat sad day for me.  I shut down my facebook page.  Kept my personal one, but shut down my writing one.  Due to someone harassing me for just over a year now & using that page to contact me, I felt it was best to shut it down.  This has made me a bit sad.  But, in a way, I’m thinking this may be a good thing in a way.  I have a group on facebook where my fans & I can interact.  We talk about all kinds of topics including animals, abuse & related issues, Christianity & naturally narcissism, & share some laughs.  It’s a nice little place, so if you’re on facebook, I’d love it if you’d come check it out.  If you aren’t on facebook or don’t care to join groups, then please check out my forum.  It’s very quiet as it is just starting, but I hope it will pick up the pace quickly.

Both the group & forum are going to be very safe places.  I will police them to be sure troublemakers are removed as soon as they join.  Both also offer some privacy- on facebook, the group is closed, which means although others can see you’re in the group, no one but members can see what you post.  And, the forum?  Only other members can see your posts. I strongly suggest creating a false name as your user name so others who do read your posts won’t know it is you posting if you want annonymity.

I hope to see you soon!  🙂

Here is the facebook group link.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/FansOfCynthiaBaileyRug/

And, the forum link.

http://cynthiasforum.boards.net/

New Feature On My Website

Good afternoon , Dear Readers.  🙂

I had an idea…

I added something to my website this morning.  A chat room.  I thought it might be a cool idea- a safe place where people can get together & talk or meet new friends, whether I’m there or not.  I was even thinking about having a monthly (or more frequent) chat.  We could discuss whatever is on your mind pertaining to topics I write about- abuse & recovery, Christian living, animals, & more.

What do you think?

There is one thing  you should know- I’m not familiar with chat rooms & how they work.  So please bear with me as I learn!  I’ll try to learn quickly!

The chat room link is on my website:  http://www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com   Go check it out!  I hope to see you there!

August 31, 2013

Happy Saturday!! Wishing everyone a great weekend!

I know it’s been a while since my last post- I apologize.  I’ve been having a rough time lately.  The C-PTSD has been bad, plus my kitty, Pretty Boy, has been having issues with the diabetes.  Hoping we have things more straightened out, & a slight change in his insulin dose will fix him right up.  Waiting on the vet for more info though.  

In case you haven’t seen it yet, come check out the new group I created here on facebook.. I look forward to seeing you there. 🙂

https://www.facebook.com/groups/FansOfCynthiaBaileyRug/