Highly Functional Versus Highly Dysfunctional

Many people have heard the term “highly functional.”  Highly functional can happen in all kinds of ways.  Someone with high functioning anxiety or depression battles their disorder, yet is also able to hold down a job & have relationships.  Someone who is high functioning with a physical condition similarly performs at a higher level than others with the exact same condition.

Interestingly, recently when I was praying, God taught me the term “highly dysfunctional.”  I assumed this would mean someone who is very dysfunctional, but it isn’t exactly what He meant.  Highly dysfunctional means someone who is intensely dysfunctional, continues to avoid facing their own issues, hurts others & himself or herself because of it, yet lives a rather normal life.

An example of a highly dysfunctional person can be that coworker who everyone likes because she is always willing to go over & above, take on extra shifts, & cover for coworkers who need last minute time off while rarely taking time off for herself.  Another example can be the guy whose family treats him poorly, yet he defends them fanatically to his wife when she objects to their treatment of him. 

People like this aren’t the type to cause other people pain deliberately, yet they hurt themselves & other people all the time.  That coworker I used as an example can spend so much time focusing on her job that she has no time or energy left for herself or those who love her.  She ends up resentful & exhausted, possibly also with physical & mental health problems because she hasn’t achieved balance between work & her personal life.  The other example?  That man causes his wife tremendous pain because although it isn’t intentional, his behavior continually proves to her that his family is much more important to him than their marriage. 

Highly dysfunctional people usually have no idea that what they are doing is such a problem until they are faced with undeniable proof of the problem, such as her health problems or his divorce.  And sadly, by then, the damage is often irreparable. 

They also usually don’t understand why anyone complains about their behavior since usually, it doesn’t look bad.  Consider my examples again.  The woman in the example could be seen has having a good work ethic & the man could be seen as a loving son to his aging parents.  The highly dysfunctional don’t recognize that the truth is that the woman was raised to be a doormat by her abusive parents, or that the man in the example is a grown man who is still trying to gain the approval of his narcissistic parents that have made him believe he is only worthy of their love when he does what they want him to do.

If you are a highly dysfunctional person, there is truly hope for you!  You are going to have to face the truth about your life & what has made you dysfunctional.  I know this is hard, but it really is possible!  I believe a close relationship with God to be vital in all areas, but in particular with emotional healing.  Ask Him to help you to be strong & courageous enough to face whatever you must, to show you what areas you need healing & how to work on that healing.  Also look to Him for validation, not other people, & ask Him to help you to learn to validate yourself.  Doing these things will help you to become so much healthier & happier!

People in relationships with highly dysfunctional people also need to take care of themselves, especially if the highly dysfunctional person doesn’t recognize their dysfunction.  Highly dysfunctional people may not do it intentionally, but they still gaslight their loved ones by normalizing their behavior & criticizing healthy behavior.  You need to have a firm grip on what you know is healthy, right & true so as not to fall for their gaslighting.  They are very convicted in what they think, & it can be hard not to believe what they say, especially if that person is someone close to you like a spouse.  

It’s also important to remind yourself often that it is their right to function out of their dysfunction.  You can’t force them to get healthier.  That being said, you don’t have to validate it or tolerate what hurts you.  Have healthy boundaries & cling to the truth.  Give this person consequences rather than excuse their dysfunctional behavior.  Excuses won’t help anyone.  Consequences encourage change without being controlling.  And never forget to pray about how best to handle your situation & ask God for any help you need.  He will be glad to help you.

Living With High Functioning Mental Illness

Living as someone with mental illness yet is high functioning, I can tell you it’s utterly exhausting.  Doing things takes more energy than it would for someone without mental illness because I have to focus harder.  I also do my best to put the problems in a box when necessary so they don’t affect other people.  It takes energy to keep that box closed & on a shelf!!  Add in having a brain injury & I spend a lot of time exhausted.

If you too are high functioning with mental illness, I’m sure you can relate to what I said, even if you don’t also have the brain injury.  You truly are not alone!  This post is to help you to understand that.

It feels like you’re being fake a lot of the time, doesn’t it?  The truth is you aren’t being fake.  You’re just hiding a part of yourself from others you don’t want to know about that part of you.  There is nothing wrong with not being 1000% open with everyone.  Sometimes it’s best to keep some information private from some people.

It also feels like people don’t believe you have any illness at all.  People seem to think if you have mental illness, you need to be incoherent, hearing voices, attempting suicide, or even not taking care of your basic needs such as showering & changing clothes regularly.  If you’re clean, your home is in order, you’re working & maintain relationships, many people don’t think you’re struggling with your mental health.  They miss the small, subtle signs such as an increased or decreased appetite, sleeping more or less than usual, difficulty focusing, or feeling tired.

Your good & bad days look very similar to most people.  They truly have no idea that on bad days, it took every ounce of willpower to pry yourself out of bed, to bathe, to do whatever you need to do on that day.  Chances are, most wouldn’t believe you if you told them because they see no real differences between this bad day & your good days.

Sometimes people may say you’re gloomy or a “Debbie Downer” because sometimes your sadness or negative views show.  They don’t realize that is depression talking.  Or, maybe sometimes you jump at the slightest move from someone or sound & it irritates people.  It happens because you have an anxiety disorder, PTSD or C-PTSD.

Although you may not look like it, you feel you are struggling so much.  Mental illness consumes so much energy!  Focusing on a simple conversation can take a lot out of you.  People don’t often understand why you’re tired, but this is exactly why.

Do you recognize yourself in any of these situations?  If so, I hope it comforts you some to know that you’re not alone.  Many of us understand because we’re on the same boat.

And please remember, just because you can function & function well, don’t think that means you don’t have a real problem.  I know, sometimes it’s easy to think this way when you have a few good days in a row.  That being said though, mental illness is just as serious as physical illness & should be treated as such.  Sometimes it can be more serious in the sense that some mental disorders can be life threatening by making a person suicidal.  Don’t neglect to rest when you need to, take your medication as directed, talk to safe people & let them love & encourage you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking care of yourself or asking for help.  If you broke your leg, you would do those things, wouldn’t you?  Then why not do the same thing to take care of your mental health?