Some covert narcissists are perpetually a victim. They are the ones who are always wronged, always the victim of mean people, & never at fault for anything. Here are some examples.
A narcissist says something cruel, which naturally makes you angry. She claims she never meant to hurt you, was just trying to help & had no idea that would upset you. She may even stop speaking to you for a while after this, even if you apologized for being upset with her.
Or, the narcissist tries to manipulate you into doing something you don’t want to do. When you refuse, he claims you don’t love him. He asks how could you refuse to do this one little thing for him, especially after all he’s done for you?!
Maybe the narcissist is your elderly parent who expects you to come at their beck & call. You tell your parent you only are available on Tuesdays & Saturdays to do what she needs. She tells your family how you refused to help, & they attack you for being ungrateful, a spoiled brat & more.
Narcissists who behave this way, those who claim life is unfair to them, that they are mistreated when people confront them on their abusive behavior, those who blame their victims for their abusive behavior & those who complain about their problems yet have no real interest in change are also the perpetual, consummate victims.
My late father & late mother in-law were both covert narcissists & consummate victims. I repeatedly asked my father not to call after 9 at night. I refused to take his call when he called at 10 one evening. His response was to call my in-laws & a cousin who lives almost 500 miles away. He told both he was so worried about me because I didn’t answer the phone, & asked them to have me call him immediately. Regarding my mother in-law, I was angry with my mother in-law once because she had snooped through my purse yet again. She asked my husband why I was angry. I listened to their conversation. He told her why I was angry, & she claimed not to know what she did would be upsetting to me.
Both situations are almost identical. As a result of my father’s & mother in-law’s actions, my husband & I argued yet again about his mother, & my cousin & I argued about my father. In typical forever victim fashion, their behavior caused problems for the real victim (me) & made them look good.
When you must deal with this dreadful behavior, there are some things you can do. I firmly believe that relying on God is the first & best step you can make. He will help you to understand what they are doing & come up with ways to most effectively deal with this toxic behavior.
Never ever forget the type of person you’re facing. No matter what you do or don’t do, they will make the situation look as if you’re being cruel to them. Expect nothing else because that won’t happen.
Remember there is nothing wrong with you setting boundaries & confronting this person. Both show you have self respect. However, also know they may backfire in a sense & make your situation worse. These narcissists are very talented at recruiting flying monkeys to protect them & also chastise the victim. When faced with those flying monkeys, ignore what they say. Don’t discuss the narcissist with them at all.
Lastly never forget that no one is truly a victim who is angry about anyone setting healthy boundaries with them such as refusing to be manipulated or abused. Anyone who is angry that someone won’t tolerate their abusive behavior is toxic, period, & not a true victim.