At the time of writing this, my mother hasn’t spoken to me in just under 10 months, my father in 2 months. They both used to call me constantly, so the silence is something I’m still getting used to.
Prior to them stopping speaking to me, I had decided I wanted to go no contact with them. The odd thing was I felt God didn’t want me to say it to them. He wanted me to continue to get healthier, enforce my boundaries & stay low contact. When we had an argument last May 5, I lost my temper, & God told me He wanted that to happen. He said it’d make my parents want to stay away from me when they realized I’m not so easy to push around anymore. Has it ever!
Although I’m grateful, it still hurts that my parents clearly have decided that I’m not worth speaking to because I defended myself to them. Since it happened, I’ve done a lot of praying & researching on the topic. I’ve learned there is virtually no information out there for those whose parents have cut them off. Almost all the no contact information I could find was for adult children who have gone no contact with their parents.
The last few days, I’ve been especially depressed & anxious in spite of some good stuff happening in my life. It really hurts that my parents cut me off, even though I know it’s for the best. So, I started praying more about it & God showed me some things. I thought I’d share them here since there are plenty of us whose parents have cut us off, & there is so little information available for people in this position.
When normal people implement no contact, it isn’t to punish anyone- it is to protect themselves from further abuse. When narcissists do it, there is much more to it. After all, whatever you did to “deserve” them going no contact (at least in their warped minds), caused a grievous narcissistic injury. Anything causing a narcissistic injury is going to be met with some type of narcissistic rage.
Narcissists use no contact to cause their victim pain. Basically, it’s a version of the silent treatment. It’s to let the victim know that they are irrelevant. The victim’s side of the argument is also so irrelevant that the narcissist doesn’t want to waste time listening to it. The victim isn’t even worth the narcissist acknowledging. It’s a cruel rejection, especially coming from a parent. Narcissistic parents reject their children their entire lives. This is just one more rejection added onto the pile. It really hurts, & that is normal!
It’s shaming. Narcissists love to shame their children, no matter the child’s age. By going no contact with you, they aim to make you feel that you are so bad, even your own mother &/or father can’t tolerate you.
Their version of no contact is also an attempt at control. The narcissist’s goal is to make you run to the narcissist, apologize for whatever you said or did, or didn’t say or do, & give the narcissist whatever she wants to make up for your “cruelty”.
Narcissists can’t deal with conflict. If the no contact came about after an argument like mine did, it’s not surprising. The cold, hard, & painful truth is a narcissist would prefer to cut off their own child rather than work through conflict, admit that they were wrong or even simply to try to see the situation from their child’s perspective. That’s what’s happening with my parents, & many other narcissists are the same way.
By going no contact, the narcissistic parents can look like the victim. They can tell people that you were so cruel, so abusive, that they had no other choice. Often narcissists would prefer to avoid going no contact since it also potentially could make them look bad, but when they are in the position, they’ll work it to the best of their ability. They’ll gain pity from their flying monkeys or anyone who will listen with their tales of how mean & unreasonable you were. Devoted flying monkeys may come out of the woodwork & go after you, doing the narcissist’s dirty work for them by telling you what a horrible person you are for doing whatever you did. That way, the narcissist can still hurt you without having to be in contact with you. Narcissists love this- they get to hurt you & manipulate another person into doing it for them while they look innocent. It’s really a perfect trifecta for narcissists.
I realized something else… even knowing such things, it really hurts when your parents don’t speak to you no matter how cruel they are! I know beyond a doubt this is for the best for me, & that God wants my parents out of my life. I know they would hate the successes I’m having with my writing lately- not only the material I write about but the fact I’m having success. (My parents clearly hate when things go well for me.) I don’t even miss my parents & am enjoying the lack of their drama. I’m enjoying the peace & lack of criticisms, nastiness, & manipulation. So what is my problem?!
I’m grieving. Not the loss of my parents but the fact that they prefer to be “right” & have me out of their lives rather than talk about our problems. Also the fact that my mother’s & my birthdays are coming up next month. There will be no celebrating together. My parents might send a card like they did at Christmas, but I know it won’t mean they want to work things out- it’s only to make them look good. Mother’s day is coming in May, Father’s day in June & I have no need to get cards. Yes it was hard to find rather generic, “have a nice day” kind of cards, but at least it meant I still had parents. Now? I feel like an orphan.
Dear Reader, if your narcissistic parents have stopped speaking to you, please know you’re not alone. I’ve spoken with a few people recently who have experienced the same thing, even those who are in similar situations to mine, feeling they wanted to go no contact, but felt God wanted them to refrain from telling their parents that. Why God asks that of some of us, I don’t know, but I do know He has a very good reason for it. That you can be absolutely certain of.
Also, remember how much God loves you. He is there during this difficult time. He will comfort you when it hurts. He will give you wisdom on what you should do. Trust in Him to help you get through. Unlike your earthly parents, God truly is a loving, kind, caring, generous parent.