How Narcissists use Gossip To Achieve Their Goals

Gossiping is one of the worst things you can do to someone.  Whether it’s intentional or not, spreading rumors, lies, & other confidential information can have a devastating effect on relationships.  Proverbs 17:9 in the Amplified Bible says, “He who covers & forgives an offense seeks love, But he who repeats or gossips about a matter separates intimate friends.”  Unfortunately, gossiping is a common tactic used by narcissists to achieve their goals.

Narcissists want their victims to be isolated because it helps them to manipulate & control their victims when there is no outside interference.  They know that if their victims are surrounded by people who know the truth, their lies & manipulations will be exposed.  To avoid this, they use gossip to turn people against each other & create division.  This isolation helps to keep their victims in a state of powerlessness & confusion.  Today, we’ll look at how narcissists use gossip to achieve their goals of separation & control.

Narcissists use gossip to spread lies & rumors about their victims.  They may tell one person one thing about their victim & then another person something completely different.  This creates confusion & misunderstanding between the people who have been gossiped about.  It also serves to further isolate the victim from their friends & family.

The lies & rumors that narcissists spread about their victims are hurtful & damaging.  They may accuse their victims of things they didn’t do or spread rumors about their personal lives.  This can make it difficult for the victim to be taken seriously or even believed by people who believe the gossip.

Narcissists also use gossip to discredit their victims or make them look bad.  They may spread rumors about their victims’ shortcomings or flaws in order to make them look bad.  This can make it extremely difficult for the victim to get the help & support they need which can make it difficult for victims to trust others or form meaningful relationships.

Narcissists may also use gossip to discredit people who could potentially challenge their power or control.  They spread rumors about these people in order to make them look bad & ruin their reputation.  This allows the narcissist to maintain their power & control in the situation.

Finally, narcissists also use gossip to gain attention & power.  They may spread rumors & lies about their victims in an attempt to gain the attention & admiration of others.  They may also use gossip to manipulate & control their victims.  They may use gossip to turn people against each other or even to manipulate their victims into doing what they want.

Narcissists are experts at using gossip to get what they want, & sadly this tactic often works & has devastating effects on their victims.

Gossip is a powerful tool.  It’s important to be aware of how gossip can be used negatively & to protect yourself & those you love from its damaging effects.

No matter how tempting it may be to gossip, it’s important to remember that it can have serious consequences.  Be mindful of what you say & keep Proverbs 17:9 in mind.  By doing so, it will help you not to participate in such a harmful activity & it will help you not to assist a narcissist in their cruel games.

Regarding Snooping Narcissists

Years ago, much like many other authors, I had a Facebook page dedicated to my writing.  It was a typical page.  I shared updates of new books I wrote, links to blog posts, helpful memes & the like.  A good friend of mine has admin privileges on that page.  I had a lot of folks blocked that I didn’t want to unblock anyone to see if they followed my page, so this seemed like a good solution.

Then in 2013, I was on the receiving end of harassment from one of my narcissistic relatives.  Although I blocked this person, somehow she still followed my page as I learned from my fellow admin.  My friend blocked my relative from the page, but somehow she still showed up as someone who liked the page.  She deleted & banned my relative several times with the same results.  I finally unblocked her temporarily then deleted & banned her myself from my page in the hopes that would solve the problem somehow.  Since I had unblocked this relative, I thought it might be wise to unblock others to make sure they too weren’t following my page, & was shocked.  One of my sisters in-law that I hadn’t spoken to since 2002 was following it.  I decided to re-block those I had unblocked, shut down my page & focus on my private group instead since I could control who I allowed in my group easier than page followers.

My relative was determined to follow my page as one more way to harass me, I believe.  I read through & found no comments or “likes” from my sister in-law though.  It was baffling at first, but eventually I think I figured out why she followed my page.  She wanted to snoop. I believe her motive is similar to many other narcissists, so I thought I’d discuss this with you today.

Narcissists will snoop on their victims in the hopes of seeing the person who severed ties with them failing &/or miserable without them.  Nothing would make them happier than to see that person they tried to destroy utterly despondent without them. 

In many cases, some snooping people are narcissists & are flying monkeys for another narcissist.  The reason they snoop is to find out any information that the other narcissist may find useful.  They get something from “helping” out that narcissist.  It may be money, favor or in the case of covert narcissists, simply enjoying what they are doing while looking like a good person just trying to help.

Narcissists are also nosy.  They simply want to know what their former victim is up to just because they think they have the right to know these things.  I suppose that is part of their sense of entitlement – they believe that no matter what they have done to someone, they still have the right to know everything about that person. They couldn’t be more wrong!

I don’t know about the rest of you, but for me, that last reason is the worst.  It just ticks me off to no end that some person who treated me like dirt & trashed me behind my back would think that they somehow are entitled to know anything about my life.  It astounds me that anyone can think it’s acceptable behavior to want to know things about my life while not having any relationship with me or trying to work on having a relationship with me.  That is seriously messed up!

Unfortunately in this age of technology, completely hiding isn’t an option.  You can block someone from calling or texting you, but they can use another phone.  You can block their email address, but they can reach you by using a different one.  The same goes for social media – they can use or create a different profile to see you after you blocked their original one. 

I figured out some ways to handle the situation that may help you too.

I don’t answer calls from phone numbers I don’t recognize.  If I know someone will call from a number I don’t know, such as a repairman, I’ll ask for their number or at least what time they will call so I can answer the call without worry.

I keep all social media posts not related to my writing private, so only trusted friends can see them. 

I have blocked all narcissists’ phone numbers, emails & on social media, & continue to block them when they find alternative ways to contact me or snoop.  Eventually they do get tired of constantly finding new ways to reach you, although it may take a long time to do so.  My relative I mentioned earlier?  She bothered me for four years, & the last time was only to hurt me because she knew my father was dying at that time. Narcissists do love to kick a person when they’re down.

I stumbled across an alternative to blocking on social media I find to be entertaining. Rather than simply blocking, I share things on public just for the nosy people.  It’s usually educational things about being nosy narcissists or flying monkeys because I honestly hope they recognize how dysfunctional they are. But, I also have some fun & share periodic memes about online stalkers or how people need to mind their own business.  Doing this probably means the in-laws have plenty to say about what an awful person I am, but since their opinions are irrelevant to me, it doesn’t bother me at all. If you feel that same way, you might find this tactic as entertaining as I have. 

Believing & Spreading Lies

I have a major pet peeve that has developed as I’ve gotten older.  When people blindly accept whatever they are told as truth.  Even worse is when they repeat it to others.  It simply makes no sense to believe everything you see or hear!  It’s just not wise!  The Bible states in Matthew 10:16 “I am sending you out as sheep among wolves. Be as wary as serpents and harmless as doves.”  (TLB)  I firmly believe that is a very smart way to live your life, wary as serpents & harmless as doves.

This may be the most bothersome to me in the perspective of people believing what narcissists tell them.  So many blindly accept anything their narcissist says as if it’s written in stone, especially their lies about their victims.  When I was growing up,  my mother’s friends liked me.  In my late teens when my mother got more & more abusive, suddenly, they no longer liked me.  In fact, they wouldn’t even make eye contact with me.  It wasn’t hard to figure out she was lying to them like she did to everyone else about me.  It really made me wonder two things… 1- What on Earth did she tell these people about me?!  2- They knew me pretty well.. why on Earth did they believe her lies?!

I still wonder these same things today about anyone who blindly believes things they are told about other people & spread such stories.

Rather than doing those things,  there are some things you really should consider…

When someone accuses another of bad behavior, remember that Revelations 12:10 says Satan is “the accuser of the brethren.”  It’s possible that the person being accused didn’t even do what you’re being told that person did.  The accuser simply could be doing Satan’s work by attempting to make this person look bad or ruin that person’s friendships.

Ask yourself not only if this person really did something, but if they indeed did the act, why would they do it.  Look at my situation as an example.  I have no contact with my elderly, widowed mother.  That looks pretty bad.  However, if you know my reasons, it makes sense.  There is always more than one side to every story.  Sometimes someone’s actions that look bad actually have a very good reason behind them.

If you are told something bad about another person, try taking it as a sign you need to pray for that person.  Even if you don’t know exactly what to pray for, you can ask God to meet that person’s needs, save them if they aren’t saved, & let His will be done in the person’s life.

The Bible also clearly speaks against gossip & slander, so don’t participate it.  The following Scriptures also could be an excellent reminder to a person who wants to talk badly about another person.:

• Jeremiah 9:8 “Their tongue is a deadly arrow; it speaks deceitfully; with his mouth each speaks peace to his neighbor, but in his heart he plans an ambush for him.”  (ESV)
• Proverbs 11:13  “A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret.”  (NIV)
• 2 Corinthians 12:20  “For I am afraid that when I come I may not find you as I want you to be, and you may not find me as you want me to be. I fear that there may be discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, slander, gossip, arrogance and disorder.” (NIV)
• Romans 16:17-18 ^“17 I appeal to you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacles contrary to the doctrine that you have been taught; avoid them. ¹⁸ For such persons do not serve our Lord Christ, but their own appetites, and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naive.”  (ESV)

Narcissists Love Discrediting Victims

One of the main things all narcissists, be they overt or covert, have in common is that they discredit their victims to anyone who will listen.

 

Discrediting may be done under the guise of concern.  A narcissist may claim to be worried about their daughter because she has serious mental problems- she’s depressed, anxious, or bipolar.  Or, it may be more direct, a smear campaign, where a narcissist claims the victim is a drug addict, juvenile delinquent, promiscuous or other awful things.

 

Discrediting often starts early with narcissistic parents, sowing seeds of disdain & discord among family members & friends, who come to believe this innocent child to be anything but.  Instead, they believe the child to be whatever the parent said, & the parent to be completely innocent when nothing could be further from the truth.  My mother did this to me in my childhood.  When her abuse peaked in my late teens, her friends, who once liked me, suddenly wouldn’t even speak to me.

 

Discrediting also may be done as a preemptive strike.  Narcissists know sometimes when they go too far with a victim, & reach out to others before the victim can.  This is an attempt to look like the good guy, so others won’t believe the victim when she shares what happened.  My father has done this.  Once when I wouldn’t take his call because he called too late (he repeatedly called late, in spite of repeatedly telling him I won’t answer the phone after 9pm), he called my in-laws & one of my cousins.  He told them he was extremely worried about me because I didn’t answer the phone when he called at 10 that night.  He even asked them to tell me to call him immediately.  Both were concerned, & somewhat angry with me for being so “mean” to my father.

 

It also may be done as revenge.  If a narcissist thinks that she has a chance of someone the victim knows well believing her, she may reach out in an attempt to hurt the victim.  Again, my mother has done this.  Many years ago, my husband’s work downsized, so he lost his job.  My father took money from his & my mother’s savings account, & gave it to me, even though I didn’t ask him to.  My mother was extremely angry with me about this.  She called my in-laws.  A few days later, my husband visited his parents, & his father told him about the call.  He said my mother said I was doing something terrible, so he told her never to call back.  Whatever it was, it was so terrible, he refused to repeat it to my husband.

 

If these types of things are happening to you, it’s typical narcissist behavior.  Unfortunately, there really isn’t anything you can do about it.  If you defend yourself, chances are, people will see you as the crazy, irrational, awful person the narcissist said you are, no matter how calm & collected you are when you speak.  People in these situations often look for any tiny piece of evidence that the narcissist is right, so no matter how justified your anger or upset, it will be taken as the narcissist being right.

 

Rather than actively defend yourself when these situations arise, it’s best to let your character shine.  The truth has a way of coming out no matter what, so if you are consistently a good, caring, loving, rational person, sooner or later, people will realize that.  I know it can be frustrating doing nothing to defend yourself, but truly, it’s your best course of action.  Pray- ask God to help you through this hard time & for the truth to be made clear.  You will need God’s help during this hard time, so never hesitate to ask for it.  He’ll be more than glad to help you!