It’s Still Abuse If..

Many victims of abuse are quick to deny that they are actually being abused or have been abused.  A woman may defend her husband who beat her up saying she deserved it because she didn’t do something he wanted her to do, or he had too much to drink before he hit her.  A man is even more likely to deny being abused, thanks to the ridiculous attitude society has that women can’t abuse men.  Many men would rather convince themselves it wasn’t abuse than to deal with the disrespect & disdain they will receive if they admit it was. 

Unfortunately such denials are normal for many victims of abuse.  I did it myself.  Growing up, I told myself & others my mother was simply overprotective of me, & my father needed me to take care of him rather than him take care of me.  I was in my late teens when I realized my mother wasn’t simply overprotective, & about thirty years old when I realized my father was abusive.

I thought today it would be a good idea to spell out some facts about abuse that are commonly ignored, minimized or denied to help people to face the truth about abuse in their life.  I know this is a painful thing to face, but it truly is better to face it!  Once you face it, you can start to heal.  The pain you feel at facing the truth is absolutely going to be worth it when you can heal.

It’s still abuse if it wasn’t physical.  Abuse comes in many forms.  Someone can abuse you even if he or she never hit you.  Harsh words, criticisms, intimidation, invalidation, mind games, forcing you to perform sexual acts in spite of you not wanting to, isolating you from friends & family, controlling your money, & twisting Scripture to claim God is angry with you are all examples of abusive behavior that is not physical.

It’s still abuse if your abuser apologized.  Abusers often apologize, claiming they won’t do what they did ever again.  For a while, they don’t.  Things are good.  Suddenly though, once they believe that you are comfortable again, they go back into old patterns.  An apology without genuine efforts to change bad behavior long term is still abuse.

It’s still abuse if your abuser told you they love you.  Abusers claim to love their victim.  Maybe some do on some level, but that doesn’t mean that abusing you is acceptable just because you think this person may love you.

It’s still abuse if your abuser was abused as a child.  The phrase, “hurting people hurt people” is often a lie said by abusers & their enablers as a way to excuse abusive behavior.  Countless children have been abused, yet grew up to become kind, compassionate people who would rather do anything but hurt another person.

It’s still abuse if your abuser has a mental illness.  There are relatively few people with a mental illness who truly don’t know right from wrong.  Unless your abuser is one of those few people, he or she is using mental illness as an excuse to abuse.

It’s still abuse if there were good times in your relationship with your abuser.  No relationship is completely abusive.  If so, abusers would be much easier to identify.  Good times are natural in a relationship with an abuser, but they don’t nullify the abusive behavior.

It’s still abuse if your abuser is your elderly parent.  People often are under the delusion that all older folks are sweet & kind, especially to their own family.  Nothing could be further from the truth!  There are plenty of lovely older folks, but not all of them are.  Many of them are as cruel to their adult children as they were when they were younger, they just changed their tactics a bit to adjust with their age.

It’s still abuse if your abuser is a relative.  Many people put family on a pedestal, as if it’s impossible for family members to abuse other.  I can tell you that this is a complete lie, because I have been abused by several of my family members.  Family members can be the worst abusers of all.

If you recognize some of these behaviors in someone that you are in a bad relationship with, then the relationship is abusive.  You have the right to protect yourself from this behavior.  Exercise that right!  Do what you have to in order to protect yourself from this person, even if it means ending the relationship.  If you don’t know what to do, pray.  Ask God to help you.  Learn all you can about toxic relationships.  Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline, join online forums, read books.  Do whatever you have to do to learn about your toxic situation so you can formulate a plan on how to deal with the situation. 

Narcissistic Grandparents

Narcissistic Grandparents

My maternal grandmother was a narcissist.  She neglected & abused my mother until she died.  However, my grandmother didn’t limit her abuse to only my mother.  She continued it with the next generation.

This scenario is very typical.  I’m sure it happens with male narcissists too, but it seems to be more common with female ones, so we will discuss female narcissists in this post.

Rather than narcissistic mothers becoming loving grandmothers, they simply become narcissistic grandmothers.  Sadly, many children of narcissistic mothers think the abuse they endured won’t happen to their children, but they couldn’t be more wrong.

Many people say that narcissists never change, but I disagree.  The  methods they use to abuse change & they often get even more vicious with their manipulation & criticisms.  If they have grandchildren, they are simply new targets for their abuse rather than happy additions to the family.

Narcissistic grandmothers have zero trouble criticizing their children to their grandchildren.   This not only can affect how your child sees you, but it also can affect your relationship with your child negatively & hurt your child.  When I was quite young, my grandmother would tell me how lazy my mother was as a child & what a terrible person she was.  It really hurt to hear her say those things, but she wouldn’t stop.

Not only will narcissistic grandmothers criticize their children to their grandchildren, but they also will criticize their children in front of their grandchildren. This hurts both the parent & child, & teaches the child that it’s perfectly acceptable to treat Mom &/or Dad like dirt.  After all, Grannie Dearest does it, so it must be ok.

Since narcissists believe they always know best & boundaries aren’t for them, a narcissistic mother will run roughshod over her child’s rules with her grandchildren.  If you don’t want your child to have a cookie nearer than an hour before dinner, you can guarantee that Grannie Dearest will give your child 18 cookies 10 minutes before dinner if she has the chance!  As if this isn’t frustrating enough in & of itself to have your own mother break your rules, this also teaches your child that it’s ok to disobey Mom & her rules mean nothing.

Much of the dysfunction you grew up with at the hand of your narcissistic mother will continue with your children.  If you had siblings, & all of you have children, your children will be treated much like you & your siblings were growing up.  There will be a golden child & a scapegoat, & whichever you were, you can count on your child being in that role.  In my mother’s family, her sister was the golden child & she was the scapegoat.  While my grandmother was abusive to all of her grandchildren to some degree, I believe she saved the worst of her abuse for me.

If you have children & a narcissistic grandmother, it is your job as their parent to protect the children.  Obviously, you don’t want her hurting your children like she’s hurt you!  I believe the best place to start protecting them is to pray.  Ask God for wisdom on how to handle the situation & how to best protect your children.

Also limit your children’s contact with your narcissistic mother as well as yours.  The less contact anyone has with a narcissist, the better.  Limited contact may evolve into no contact at some point.  The less time spent around a narcissist, the clearer your thinking becomes concerning that person.  You may realize no contact is best for you & your children when you hadn’t considered it an option before.

Make sure your children know that they can talk to you about anything & you won’t get mad.  Help them to feel safe knowing that if Grannie Dearest says or does something that upsets them, they can tell you about it, you won’t be upset with them, & you will handle the situation.

Do not leave your children alone with their narcissistic grandmother.  Make sure that you or your spouse or both of you are with them at all times in her presence.  Not only will this help your children feel safer, chances are good that your narcissistic mother will behave better.  Narcissists don’t like witnesses to their abuse, after all.

If you’re in this situation, I believe these tips can help you & your children.  I wish you the absolute best!  xoxo

Don’t Take The Elderly For Granted! They Can Be A Treasure!

Enjoy the company of your elders.  If you still have grandparents, visit them, & visit them often.  Listen to their stories.  Write them down or record them.  You will learn so much wisdom from them while enjoying yourself at the same time.  You will treasure their stories one day when they are gone.  Some of my best memories involve my great grandmother when I was little or my granddad as an adult.  As a very little girl, my great grandmother & I had fun drawing, playing her favorite card game (Gin Rummy) or even snuggling up while watching the fire works on July 4th.  My granddad taught me a great deal about our family, including many fascinating stories of his & my grandmom’s early days of marriage & raising their family.

Grandparents & others in the elder generation can be such a blessing.  They have seen a lot in their lifetime, & have learned a lot.  They can teach you so much about life &, if they are relatives, about your family history as well.  Not to mention, they can be a lot of fun.  I always got some laughs when I spent time with Granddad.  He had a wonderful sense of humor.

Before Grandmom died in 1996, she & my aunt wrote a small book together that wasn’t published.  It included family history & some fun stories.  She wanted our family to expand on it, but no one did.  So a few years ago, I nagged my relatives for stories they wanted to include in the book.  I added some pictures as well, & ended up with a wonderful finished product with the help of my publisher.  If you feel creative, then I would suggest doing something similar.  It’s a fun project, & with the help of self-publishers, even an amateur can create a lovely finished product that can be passed down & treasured  through the generations.

If, like many of my readers, your elders are narcissists, this can be more complicated.  Don’t feel guilty if your parents are old & you don’t want to spend time with them.  How can you want to spend time with people who abuse you?!  It’s normal to feel that way.  People reap what they sow, & if they sow bad seeds into your life, you normally won’t want to spend time with them.  It took me a long time to realize this & stop feeling so guilty for not wanting to spend more time with my parents.  What you do regarding these people is between you & God only.  Don’t be guilt tripped into spending more time with abusive narcissists just because they’re old.  Being old doesn’t give a person the right to be abusive, & many narcissists only get more abusive as they get older.  You follow your heart & the promptings of God regarding the relationship, not what people have to say.

A Sad Legacy – The Death Of A Narcissist

Good afternoon, Dear Readers!

I’m sorry for being missing in action. It’s been a crazy week, but I think all is settling down now & I can get back to writing. At least I sure hope so!

My husband & I were out this past Saturday, & at the last minute decided to stop by a local cemetery. His brother is buried there, as are a former classmate of mine & my mother’s mother. We visited his brother first. It was a painful few minutes- my husband was close to his brother, & his death from AIDS was a painful thing to witness. Then we visited my former classmate, Scott, who died only 4 years after graduation in a car accident. Scott & I weren’t close, but even so, his death was very sad. He was a good person, & died so young. Then we went over to my grandmother’s grave. I felt nothing as I stood there, looking at her bare gravestone- a basic metal plaque with only her name & dates on it. She had no flowers on her grave, nor did I have any desire to put any on there, although I did wish I’d taken some to my late brother in-law & classmate.

I got to thinking after we left. Hubby’s brother has a basic marker- his parents are the very no frills type, so this makes sense. Yet even so, it says “beloved son” on the marker along with his name & dates, & flowers were put on his grave recently. Scott’s family went above & beyond- they got him a huge marble plaque that covers his grave. A lovely poem is on it, Scripture & a picture taken not long before his death along with his name & dates. There are always flowers on his grave, even though he’s been gone since 1993. I even thought about my paternal grandparents. Grandmom died in 1996, Granddad in 2003, yet there is always evidence of someone having been at their graves. They also have a lovely, ornate joint headstone.

And then, there is my mother’s mother.

A basic plaque with only name & dates on it marks my grandmother’s grave. No “beloved mother” or any Scriptures. She didn’t even have flowers in the vase. It made me a bit sad thinking that no one showed love for my grandmother, including me, which made me feel rather guilty. Then I got to thinking about some of the things she did to me. My grandmother was a narcissist, which is obviously where my mother learned her narcissistic ways. She was an evil, cruel woman who cared nothing for anyone, not even her own family, other than what they could do for her. I also remembered how she once saw one of my cousins crying, saying how much our grandmother hurt he, & she turned away from my cousin, indifferent to her suffering. Countless times, I saw my grandmother hurt my mother with her cruel words & try to start trouble between my mother & father. When my grandmother died, I was upset, but not because I missed her. It was because our relationship was such a waste- she hated me & didn’t mind letting me know that. I was actually relieved when she died, not sad. She had stopped speaking to me a year before, never telling me why. I always waited thinking she would suddenly call, acting like nothing happened, & wanting something from me. When she died, I felt relief knowing that couldn’t happen.

Thinking about all of those things, it makes sense that there is no love shown to my grandmother by putting pretty flowers on her grave. It also looked as if no one has been to her grave in a while as the grass around her grave marker was somewhat overgrown. I didn’t go to her funeral, but from what I heard, there weren’t a lot of people there, nor was there a get together after.

How very sad that few people can be affected by someone’s death. What a legacy to leave! It also reminded me of the Scripture in the Bible that says, “what a man sows, that also shall he reap.” My grandmother sowed a life of discord & heartache, & she is still reaping a harvest of indifference.

I decided to write this out for those of you whose narcissistic mothers have already passed on, are elderly, or if you are thinking about what may happen when your narcissistic mother passes away. My prayer is when that time comes, you don’t feel guilty for not wanting to take flowers to their grave weekly or even for being relieved they are gone. You reap what you sow in life. No one is immune to that law, including narcissistic mothers. After years of abuse at her hand, do you really think you will feel sad for losing her? It is truly a sad legacy, leaving behind a child or grandchild that is glad you’re gone, but it is also a natural occurrence in abuse cases such as with narcissistic mothers.

Also remember when that time comes, you aren’t alone. I dare say most adult children of narcissists feel the same way, but are afraid to admit it to anyone for fear of being judged. If you have someone safe to talk to, then by all means, please talk to them about how you feel. If not, then write it out. I wrote my grandmother a letter after she died, & left it under her grave marker. No one knew I did it at the time. It helped me tremendously, getting out my feelings, even though I knew she obviously never would read it.

Pray about what you’re experiencing too. God can handle hearing it, & knows what you’re feeling & thinking anyway. You can’t shock Him. And, He will comfort you & heal your pain. ❤