Tag Archives: growing

February 17, 2013

Good afternoon, Dear Readers!  I hope this post finds you enjoying your Sunday!

A little while ago, I was reading some posts in a facebook group for adult daughters of narcissistic mothers.  One stood out to me.  One lady spoke of feeling so guilty for not loving her mother.  It was very sad.  It reminded me of some things I’ve been pondering lately so I put the thoughts together & shared them with the group.  I thought I would share what I wrote here, too.  I hope it helps you!  I know growing up with an abusive parent or parents is a horrible, horrible thing.  It’s so painful well past childhood.  If you haven’t read it yet on my website, I grew up with a narcissistic mother, & to this day, at 41 years old, still have problems from my childhood, such as flashbacks.  When I have to deal with her, my anxiety levels go through the roof. You can read some of my story here:

http://www.cynthiabaileyrug.com/My_Personal_Experience.htm

 

For more detailed information, I wrote “Emerging From The Chrysalis” a few months ago.  It’s the story of my life.  It is available for sale on my website at:

http://www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com

Below is the post I mentioned that I wanted to share with you.  I pray it blesses you!

 

I was thinking after reading the post about feeling guilty for not loving her mother. Something that’s been in my mind for a little while now came to the surface & I wanted to share.

It seems like we all question ourselves so much. What’s wrong with me for not loving my mother? Am I crazy? Why do I cry so much? What’s wrong with me? <– just a few examples. Truthfully, we are a bit different, let’s admit it. Not saying that as a bad thing at all, it’s just we grew up in very abnormal situations instead of healthy ones. A child’s formative years are so very important, & when you have poison constantly pumped into you during that time, you’re going to grow up a bit skewed! Why not accept that fact? It doesn’t mean we’re crazy/wrong/etc. It just means we survived very bad circumstances. At least we’re trying to improve ourselves & not abuse others like our mothers did. Why can’t we just accept ourselves as we are, while continuing to try to heal? Beating ourselves up doesn’t do any good, & besides, our mothers did enough of that to last a lifetime!

Also, let’s keep the blame where it belongs- ON THEM!!! NOT on us!! Not saying anything that goes wrong in life is Mom’s fault of course, but if you’re angry with your mother or you battle depression or anxiety, instead of being frustrated with yourself, why not admit that the root cause of it is Mom?? It’s ok! She caused it, she should be blamed for it! You also shouldn’t carry the shame for her actions! Just because she feels nothing for hurting you doesn’t mean you should carry the emotions she should be feeling!

Remember too that your reaction was normal considering what an abnormal situation you were in! Shoot, I have anxiety in public places sometimes, flashbacks & more thanks to my mother- I was ashamed of it until I realized I have nothing to be ashamed of! I’m not crazy! I am someone who survived head games & gaslighting & all kinds of abuse. Who WOULDN’T have problems after surviving that mess?!

I guess the point of all this is please STOP beating yourselves up ladies. No, you’re not perfect, but who is? If you think something in you is so deeply flawed for whatever problem you’re facing as a result of the abuse you suffered, think about something- if a friend came to you with this exact problem, what would you tell her? She’s messed up/stupid/crazy/wrong?? If you wouldn’t say that to a friend, why would you tell it to yourself??

Ok, getting off the soapbox now.. sorry this turned out to be so long. I just felt I should share this with you.

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey

December 31, 2012

Good morning, Dear Readers! Happy new year to everyone!!!

It’s been an interesting morning around here for me..

To start with, I was watching Bishop T.D. Jakes preach this morning. I just love him- he is so inspiring! Today he was talking about how we have to see the big picture, not just the uncomfortable situation we’re currently in. He said it’s like trying to figure out what the puzzle is by looking at one piece instead of all the pieces put together. Cool, huh? I thought about it, & something popped into my mind. For the first eight years of my relationship with my husband, I went through hell with his mother & two sisters, but mostly his mother. She’s hated me from the day we met. At the time, I was miserable- coming from a dysfunctional background, I thought I could win her over if I would just do the right things. I wasn’t sure what they were, but I was determined to find out. Eventually, I realized that nothing could win her over, & that was fine. It didn’t mean, however, that I would continue to put up with hearing how disappointed she was her son married me, how terrible my family was, how I drove the wrong car, how I shouldn’t have cats, etc. I learned to set boundaries, & when they weren’t respected, I eventually severed ties with her. The whole experience actually turned into a good thing- I learned a lot about setting boundaries, & that I don’t deserve to be treated that way from my experience with my mother in-law & the two sisters in-law. Learning these things helped me to deal with other mean or even abusive people in my life, in particular my mother. That was a very big blessing for me- I always thought I deserved whatever abuse I received. Learning I didn’t deserve it, & learning how to stop tolerating it have blessed me more than I can say!

Secondly, I belong to a facebook group for daughters of narcissistic mothers. Every so often, they have “parties.” These are online chats run by a wonderful therapist/author. She offers prizes sometimes for what she believes is the best answer to her questions. I have only participated twice, today being the second time. The first time I won an autographed copy of her book, then I won a really cute totebag today! I also got a lot of comments on the few posts I made, saying things like, “Great advice!” This just made my day.. a few days ago, I was frustrated with some financial problems hubby & I are facing, & I was praying, asking God if I should go get a “real” job since so far, my writing hasn’t been overly profitable. Clearly He spoke to me saying I am where He wants me- home where I can take care of my furkids & write, & where I am available to help people. Today’s experience with that facebook party just confirmed that to me- I wouldn’t have been able to participate if I had a “real” job, because I would’ve been at work. It feels good, getting those confirmations, because then I know I am hearing from God as clearly as I think I am. He is so good!!!

I hope yall have a wonderful new year. My prayer for my fans is that 2013 will be full of peace, joy & blessings. God bless you!!

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health