When People Refuse To Acknowledge Your Growth

One common thing that many victims of narcissistic abuse struggle with is how so many people treat them as if they are forever the same person they were during the height of their time as victims of the narcissist in their life.  It can be incredibly frustrating!!  I understand this as I went through it too.  I felt like during my entire adult life, my family & in particular my mother though I never grew up.  It was as if they thought I was perpetually 15 years old, no matter my real age. 

For years, I wondered why this is.  I think I have the answer to this dilemma.  Not just in my situation, but in general.

Obviously narcissists aren’t the only dysfunctional people in the world.  Their flying monkeys & scouts are at least as dysfunctional if not more so.  As a result, they don’t face reality the way healthy people do.  Instead, they try to keep reality as they want it to be.  A part of their so called reality is keeping certain people in a box. 

Doing this means that these people can convince themselves that they are truly the smart, sane, functional people who have their lives all together.  Clearly that must be the case, they think, because just look at how amazing they are compared to that person that they have decided is so weak, stupid, dysfunctional, mean, selfish, horrible, etc.  If they can convince themselves that their person of choice is terrible, by default, they also convince themselves that they are pretty spectacular by comparison.  By pushing another person down, they build themselves up at the same time.

Another reason dysfunctional people try to keep certain people down is so they have power over that person.  While not all dysfunctional people are narcissists, they do want things a certain way in their lives.  If they have control over someone, that can help them to maintain their status quo.  They can push this person around until that person does whatever they want so they can convince themselves that nothing has changed.  This comes in especially handy if their victim has been learning, growing & healing.  Clearly such things threaten the delusions of someone who wants to remain dysfunctional.  If a person like this can be subdued enough to reject their new growth, learning & healing, they will return to the old, dysfunctional patterns & that will help the dysfunctional person maintain their comfort level.  People who are comfortable in their dysfunction have zero desire to move past that place, & they have plenty of desire to return formerly dysfunctional people to their previous unhealthy lifestyle.

Another motivation for such toxic people being able to control others is the high that having that power over others provides.  Whether the person in question is a narcissist or not, chances are they will enjoy feeling that they are powerful enough to control another person

If you are in the position of dealing with someone who wants to keep you as the dysfunctional person you once were, know that you are NOT alone, & this is a typical problem for many victims of narcissistic abuse.

Naturally, the best thing you can do when faced with this situation is to pray.  Ask God to keep you from sliding back into old, toxic habits & to be aware of why people are treating you as they are so you don’t do that.  Praying for those dysfunctional people as well certainly is an excellent idea!  They clearly need prayer, whether or not they realize it.

Also remember, their behavior is absolutely no reflection on you.  It is a reflection on them.  They are comfortable in their dysfunction.  That is their right, of course.  However, you have rights, too & one of those rights is to protect yourself from toxic people.  Keep your distance from such people.  You may need to sever ties with them, & there is nothing wrong with doing that no matter who those people are!  Protect your mental health however is best for you!

February 17, 2013

Good afternoon, Dear Readers!  I hope this post finds you enjoying your Sunday!

A little while ago, I was reading some posts in a facebook group for adult daughters of narcissistic mothers.  One stood out to me.  One lady spoke of feeling so guilty for not loving her mother.  It was very sad.  It reminded me of some things I’ve been pondering lately so I put the thoughts together & shared them with the group.  I thought I would share what I wrote here, too.  I hope it helps you!  I know growing up with an abusive parent or parents is a horrible, horrible thing.  It’s so painful well past childhood.  If you haven’t read it yet on my website, I grew up with a narcissistic mother, & to this day, at 41 years old, still have problems from my childhood, such as flashbacks.  When I have to deal with her, my anxiety levels go through the roof. You can read some of my story here:

http://www.cynthiabaileyrug.com/My_Personal_Experience.htm

 

For more detailed information, I wrote “Emerging From The Chrysalis” a few months ago.  It’s the story of my life.  It is available for sale on my website at:

http://www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com

Below is the post I mentioned that I wanted to share with you.  I pray it blesses you!

 

I was thinking after reading the post about feeling guilty for not loving her mother. Something that’s been in my mind for a little while now came to the surface & I wanted to share.

It seems like we all question ourselves so much. What’s wrong with me for not loving my mother? Am I crazy? Why do I cry so much? What’s wrong with me? <– just a few examples. Truthfully, we are a bit different, let’s admit it. Not saying that as a bad thing at all, it’s just we grew up in very abnormal situations instead of healthy ones. A child’s formative years are so very important, & when you have poison constantly pumped into you during that time, you’re going to grow up a bit skewed! Why not accept that fact? It doesn’t mean we’re crazy/wrong/etc. It just means we survived very bad circumstances. At least we’re trying to improve ourselves & not abuse others like our mothers did. Why can’t we just accept ourselves as we are, while continuing to try to heal? Beating ourselves up doesn’t do any good, & besides, our mothers did enough of that to last a lifetime!

Also, let’s keep the blame where it belongs- ON THEM!!! NOT on us!! Not saying anything that goes wrong in life is Mom’s fault of course, but if you’re angry with your mother or you battle depression or anxiety, instead of being frustrated with yourself, why not admit that the root cause of it is Mom?? It’s ok! She caused it, she should be blamed for it! You also shouldn’t carry the shame for her actions! Just because she feels nothing for hurting you doesn’t mean you should carry the emotions she should be feeling!

Remember too that your reaction was normal considering what an abnormal situation you were in! Shoot, I have anxiety in public places sometimes, flashbacks & more thanks to my mother- I was ashamed of it until I realized I have nothing to be ashamed of! I’m not crazy! I am someone who survived head games & gaslighting & all kinds of abuse. Who WOULDN’T have problems after surviving that mess?!

I guess the point of all this is please STOP beating yourselves up ladies. No, you’re not perfect, but who is? If you think something in you is so deeply flawed for whatever problem you’re facing as a result of the abuse you suffered, think about something- if a friend came to you with this exact problem, what would you tell her? She’s messed up/stupid/crazy/wrong?? If you wouldn’t say that to a friend, why would you tell it to yourself??

Ok, getting off the soapbox now.. sorry this turned out to be so long. I just felt I should share this with you.