When a person cuts a narcissist out of their life, no matter if the relationship is romantic, a relative, a parent or a friend, many times, that narcissist will harass or stalk that victim for months or even years. They relentlessly call, text, email, drive past the victim’s house, stalk the victim online, & send flying monkeys to pressure the victim into resuming the relationship. While this may not sound all that bad, I can tell you from personal experience, it is REALLY bad.
When you are constantly bombarded by someone who is trying to get you to talk to them & you don’t want to, or told how horrible you are for not talking to them, it’s painful. It’s also scary because you don’t know where the person will come from next. This creates a state of hyper vigilance. Each day when you wake up, you wonder what the person has planned for you on that day. Will this person fill your inbox with angry emails? Will you have to change your phone number yet again? Will that person kill you? That may sound like a big leap, but I can tell you that when someone inundates you with abuse, you really wonder how far away that person is from killing you.
And, when the abuse stops, you don’t trust it. You wonder how long before it starts up again? When will the other shoe drop? Did that person hear about something that happened in your life & will they resume harassing you because of it? To date, I’ve been harassed since 2013 by a narcissist. I haven’t heard anything from her since October, 2017 when she used the opportunity of my father dying as an excuse to email me to tell me I was a narcissist. Yet, even though here we are, over four months later & I don’t believe that was the last I’ll hear of this person. She may read this post, realize I’m talking about her & start up again for all I know. It’s happened before.
I am far from the only person that this sort of thing has happened to. Many others have experienced long term stalking & harassment by their narcissist after they initiated no contact. One thing we all have in common is wondering why has this happened?
I firmly believe the reason that narcissists react this way boils down to narcissistic injury. It’s painful for anyone when another person ends a relationship with them, but that pain is greatly intensified when the person is a narcissist. Narcissists rely on others to make them feel good about themselves so they can gain narcissistic supply. Any little thing can make them feel smart, strong or attractive. If someone says, “That’s a good idea” to a narcissist, they take that as they are exceptionally smart whereas the average person would thank the person for saying it & simply go on with their day.
On the opposite side of the same coin though, any little thing can make them feel badly about themselves, or cause a narcissistic injury. If a narcissist’s friend was recently dumped by a new love interest, & while upset, is short with the narcissist, the narcissist takes it personally. The narcissist may even end that friendship. Most people wouldn’t respond that way. They would realize the friend isn’t attacking or being abusive- the friend is upset & spoke out of that upset. If a small thing like that can cause a narcissistic injury, then doesn’t it just make sense that ending a relationship would cause a much greater injury & naturally much greater reaction to it?
Also, narcissists want to be the ones in control, including being the ones who end relationships. If you end the relationship, this takes away their control. Now you have someone who has lost control AND a relationship that they weren’t ready to end.
In addition, most victims have been in the relationship for at least a little while. Narcissists expect their victims to continue tolerating abuse indefinitely. It seems to shock them when that doesn’t happen, & a victim stands up for him or her self.
All of these things combine for a perfect storm of rage inside the narcissist. Once that rage kicks in, nothing can stop it & whoever they feel is to blame for that rage must pay.
If you find yourself in the unenviable position of being on the receiving end of a narcissist’s stalking & harassment, you must protect yourself! Never, ever underestimate one of these raging narcissists. Don’t make the mistake of brushing off their awful behavior & thinking it’s no big deal. Maybe it isn’t a big deal & maybe they’ll leave you alone soon, but maybe it’ll become a bigger deal & they won’t leave you alone.
Look into the stalking & harassment laws in your state. Get familiar with them, so you know when you can get the police involved if need be.
Document EVERYTHING. Hopefully, you won’t need it, but if you do, you’ll be glad you saved it. Even if the narcissist’s behavior wasn’t always illegal, just mean spirited, that still can work in your favor with law enforcement, because it shows a history of bad behavior. Save screen shots, texts, emails, etc on cloud storage or email them to yourself, saving them on your email provider. Phones & computers die, so saving things elsewhere means they are there forever.
Do NOT interact with the narcissist. This is tough, because you want to just rip that person apart & tell them exactly what you think of them for all they have done to you. That would be a horrible mistake though! Do you realize how much narcissistic supply that would give this person? The narcissist would then be the victim, in her mind, & you the abuser. She could tell people how mean you were & for no good reason. Or, if you said anything to the narcissist in front of others, it would just prove her case that you are the real problem, the abuser, or even crazy. Plus, since the narcissist could get this reaction out of you, she would do whatever she could to get it again & again, to gain more supply. As difficult as it is, deprive them of the supply. Give them absolutely NO reaction or response unless it is through the police. If you decide to get the police involved, pray & seriously consider it before you do.
I know it’s hard, Dear Reader but you will get through this! xoxo