Recently, I was watching an episode of “The Walking Dead.” I’m not sure if any of you who follow my work are also fans, but if not, you still might find this interesting.
In this particular episode, Neegan was talking to the daughter of a woman he had killed. Alpha was a horrible woman & was basically a cult leader in my opinion. Anyway, the daughter was calm at first, realizing he killed her because it was necessary. He kept saying she needed to get her feelings out though. It wasn’t healthy to hold them in. The girl insisted she was ok. Eventually, the young woman broke down though. When she did, she said something interesting. “I want to hate her but I can’t!”
This really hit home with me. I think many of us with narcissistic mothers feel the same way. I realize not everyone does. Some dislike or even hate their narcissistic mother. I truly hope this post doesn’t make you feel something is wrong with you. Everyone is different! I’m simply writing this to help those who feel like I do.
It’s a very strange feeling when you know your mother did the most horrific & unspeakable things to you, destroyed your self esteem, destroyed your identity even, yet on some level, you still love her. It makes no sense at all to the logical mind to feel that way. If anyone else did these things to you, chances are excellent you wouldn’t feel any love for this person at all. Why feel differently towards your mother? She’s the one person in the world that never should intentionally hurt you, yet she did. Over & over again in fact.
The one year anniversary of my mother’s death is fast approaching & I’m realizing I feel the same way. I want to hate my mother, but I can’t. I’ve been thinking about this & this episode of “The Walking Dead” got me thinking about it more. I thought I’d share some thoughts as to why this happens sometimes.
Many children of narcissistic parents are naturally loving & kind. They aren’t people who hate easily & often not at all.
Many narcissistic mothers were the engulfing type. Children grow up feeling as if she is the only safe place for them because their mothers make them feel that way. Hating that safety net of sorts feels impossible.
Often, there were some good times, too, not only bad. Very few abusers are abusive 100% of the time. They are nice & loving periodically to bond their victim to them. This trauma bond can be extremely confusing! You want to hate the abuser, but you also know that they can be very kind & loving at the same time. It feels impossible to hate someone kind & loving even when you know that they are capable of unimaginable cruelty.
The nature of relationship is another factor. You only get one mother. You shared her body with her for nine months. This can’t be said of any other human being on the planet. This naturally makes a child share a unique & exceptionally close bond with her mother, no matter what kind of mother she was. Hating one’s mother is unnatural. Of course it is possible & many people do feel that way, but not everyone is capable of hating their mother.
If you feel like there is something wrong with you because in spite of it all, you still love your narcissistic mother, please know there is nothing wrong with you. When it comes to surviving narcissistic abuse, there are no one size fits all solutions. Everyone is different. Everyone processes emotions differently. Everyone also had different experiences. I really don’t think there is anything wrong with how anyone feels who survived a narcissistic mother. The only wrong that I’m aware of is when someone repeats the pattern with their own children, & continues the cycle.