Don’t Let Anyone Shame You For Expressing Your Feelings

Does someone you know make you feel ashamed for expressing how you feel?  Have people told you that you are trying to start trouble, being “too much” or “over the top”, oversensitive or overreacting?  This is a form of gaslighting that is designed to make you feel wrong for complaining about the abuse.  The truth is, you have the right to express your feelings, & no one should make you feel ashamed for doing so.

Narcissists often use shame to control their victims.  One way they do this is by making their victims feel wrong for complaining about the abuse.  They do this to make sure that their victims don’t speak up again.  This type of behavior is a way for narcissists to control their victims, & ensure they can continue to do as they please without any repercussions.

It is important to note that narcissists are not the only ones who use this tactic.  People who are dysfunctional & don’t want to change also use it as a way to remain in their dysfunction.  If they can make someone feel wrong & ashamed for expressing their feelings, chances are that person won’t speak up again if the dysfunctional person repeats that behavior or does something else hurtful.  This means that the dysfunctional person won’t have to face their own bad behavior or make any changes.

No matter who treats you this way & their reasoning behind it, remember that you have the right to express your feelings.  Your feelings are valid, & no one should make you feel ashamed for expressing them, especially if someone has treated you badly.  

The best way to protect yourself when faced with this sort of toxic behavior in your average dysfunctional person is to stand your ground, & not let them make you feel ashamed of your feelings.  Speak up & refuse to be silenced.  Your feelings are valid, & you should never let anyone make you feel wrong for expressing them.

When faced with a narcissist, speaking up & talking things out reasonably almost never works.  In those cases, you need to exercise wisdom & lean on God to show you how you can best handle the situation.  Be forewarned, sometimes He may guide you into doing something difficult that you would rather not do.  Sometimes, the best thing you can do is to stay quiet & remind yourself what the narcissist is doing to you so you don’t believe their lies.  Other times, He may guide you to let it all out.  Since narcissists often use emotional outbursts against their victims, that is rarely wise, but I have experienced some times when God has told me that the other person needed to see me behave that way because of something they have done.  If God truly guides you to do that, you can trust it is for very valid reasons, even if you don’t know just what they are.

It is never okay for someone to make you feel wrong for expressing your feelings. You have the right to speak up & express how you feel.  If someone is trying to shame you, it is likely because they don’t want to face their own behavior or they want to abuse you.  Remember that you are not alone, & there is support available if you need it.  You have people who love you & will support you.  There are plenty of online forums out there available, too.  My Facebook group is a safe place for people from all walks of life to find comfort & support.  Feel fee to check it out.

Music Can Be Healing

My life has not had a lot of positive constants to say the least.  This is typical for any victim of narcissistic abuse.  One of the few positive constant things has been music, & I thought it would be a good idea to discuss that today.

Growing up with narcissistic parents, I learned early on that my job was to take care of & please them no matter any personal cost.  I also learned that any needs, wants, feelings, thoughts I had were unimportant.  While experiencing this, books became a wonderful escape for me.  When reading, I could be transported somewhere that this sort of abuse wasn’t happening.  Eventually though I had to put the book down & rejoin reality.  Thankfully, I discovered music when I was in the sixth grade.

Music didn’t offer quite the same escape as books did, but possibly it was even more helpful & powerful.  Reading, as wonderful as it can be, forces you to focus on it a lot so you don’t miss the details or lose your place.   Music is different. You can listen to music while you do pretty much anything, & still reap its benefits.  It also was the one thing that my narcissistic mother couldn’t ruin or take away from me, although she certainly tried to.  I simply listened to other artists or genres until I found something that spoke to me. 

As I got older, I clung to music, & still do.  I have certain genres & artists whose music is especially powerful & even healing to me.  My hope in sharing this with you is that you will discover the same for yourself.

Everyone’s taste in music is different, so please understand that whatever music helps you, that is ok!  There is no right or wrong.  What I am sharing today is just some information for you to consider when choosing your own music preferences.

As a new Christian in my mid 20’s, I thought the only acceptable music for Christians was gospel or worship music.  For some reason, these aren’t my favorite genres.  However, “Testify To Love” by Wynonna Judd & Bob Carlisle’s “Shades Of Grace” album never fail to touch my heart, & make me feel closer to God than usual.

As time went on, I got back into music I had loved prior to becoming a Christian.  Being a teenager in the 1980’s, I have a fondness for 80’s music.  Back then, I listened to anything from pop to heavy metal.  Even now, I still listen to it often.  This music takes me back to a time when although my life was very difficult, I still had one thing that was all mine, & it was something no one could ruin for me.  It feels good to remember that feeling.

I also like some country music.  My father was a big fan of outlaw country, like Waylon Jennings & Johnny Cash, & I remember him playing it when I was a little girl riding in his car.  That was fun, & now that car is mine.  Listening to it in that car reminds me of some good memories I have.  As an adult, I also discovered some country artists I love whose music reminds me to be proud of my roots, as my granddad instilled in me.  Loving the sound of their music is just a bonus.

There are other certain songs of random genres that I adore which also remind me of my roots.  Celtic & Native American Indian music often speak to me on a deep level, thanks to my Irish & Native American Indian heritage.  They make me feel a connection to ancestors I wasn’t fortunate enough to meet, & considering how interesting many of them were, this is a very good thing.  I also periodically enjoy some opera, classical, & instrumental nature music.  A song I enjoy from such genres isn’t common for me, but it always will create a sensation of peace & serenity. 

Lastly, I am a huge fan of a lot of heavy metal music.  I know, this is hardly everyone’s preferred genre, but it still inspires me.  It empowers me too.  There is so much passion that goes into songs of this genre & it seems to pass along to me when I listen to it.  I can’t not enjoy that especially considering how much time in my life has been spent feeling powerless.

I realize my taste in music could best be described as “don’t judge me”, & isn’t for everyone.  I hope in spite of that, you will consider what I have said & find what music has a powerful affect on you as my choices do on me.

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Some Common Signs Of Disrespect In Families

Most people have had to deal with disrespect in our families at some point.  Whether it’s gossiping & sharing private information, a fear of saying no, belittling & criticizing, blaming others for our problems, ridiculing someone for making a mistake, taking advantage of others, clique-like behavior where some are excluded, or giving the silent treatment, disrespect in families obviously can take many forms. It’s not only emotionally damaging to the victims of this abuse, but it can also have long-term effects that may not be immediately apparent.

Today, we’ll explore the various types of disrespect in families & how to handle them.

Note that these behaviors can be signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but even people without the disorder can behave in these ways sometimes.  If you’re unsure if your relatives are narcissists, how you deal with their disrespect will show you.  Narcissists get angry or act like a victim when confronted on their bad behavior.  Healthy people offer genuine apologies & change their behavior.

One of the most common forms of disrespect in families is when one member is too afraid to say no to the requests of another.  This fear of saying no can be rooted in fear of punishment or fear of being rejected, but it can also be a sign of a lack of respect for the person’s autonomy.

Making unreasonable demands is another hallmark of disrespect in families.  When people like this are told no, they become angry, accusatory or use guilt in an attempt to manipulate the other person into doing their will.  The demanding person clearly shows they don’t respect their family member’s time or their other relationships when they behave in this way.

Disrespectful relatives also will take advantage of each other at any opportunity. Not only with unreasonable demands, but with anything. Worse yet is when many do this, they act like they are being good to their relative.

Another common form of disrespect in families is belittling & criticizing.  This can be anything from making snide comments about someone’s appearance or abilities to outright insults.  This type of behavior is often rooted in a lack of self-esteem, but it can also be a sign of a lack of respect for the other person or even narcissism.

Blaming others for their problems is yet another common form of disrespect in families.  This can be anything from blaming someone for not doing something right to blaming them for something they had no control over.  This type of behavior is often rooted in a lack of accountability & is an obvious sign of a lack of respect for the other person.

Ridiculing someone for making a mistake is another form of disrespect in families. This type of behavior is often rooted in a desire to be seen as superior or to put someone else down in order to make one’s self feel better.  It’s a sign of a lack of respect for the other person & can be damaging to their self-esteem.

If you are the victim of disrespect in your family, it is important to know that there are steps that you can take to address the situation. Here are some tips for dealing with disrespect in families:

• Pray.  Ask God to give you insight into your situation, wisdom on ways to cope & strength & courage to do whatever you need to do.
• Take Care Of Yourself: Before confronting the situation, take care of yourself by finding healthy ways to cope with the situation.  This may include talking to a trusted friend or counselor, practicing self-care activities, or engaging in activities that nurture your mental & physical health.
• Set Boundaries: It is important to set boundaries & make clear what kind of behavior is & is not acceptable.  Communicate these boundaries to those involved & make sure that they are respected.  If they aren’t respected, be prepared to give consequences, such as creating some distance between you & the other person.
• Focus On Solutions: Work together as a family to come up with strategies for addressing the situation & for improving communication & relationships within the family.  If your relative in question is a narcissist, clearly this won’t work since they don’t want solutions.  In that case, focus on finding ways to protect yourself from this toxic individual.

Dealing with disrespect in families can be a difficult & traumatic experience, but it can be done.  You can handle this situation!

The Unfortunate Reality Of Trying To Please Narcissistic Parents

Children of narcissistic parents often struggle to please their parents & make them think they are good, & not the terrible person their parents say they are.  Sadly, no one ever can be good enough for their narcissistic parents.  Eventually, they realize this, & a desperate attempt to gain the approval of their parents can manifest in self-sabotaging behaviors.

One way they try to obtain their parents’ approval is by trying activities they are not qualified for, such as taking on high-level jobs or starting businesses they don’t have the skills to manage.  This can lead to failure, which they may use as evidence to prove their parents’ belief that they are inadequate.

In an effort to gain their parents’ approval, children of narcissistic parents may marry people they are not compatible with, but their parents like.  They may think that by marrying someone their parents like, they will be able to gain their parent’s approval, even if the relationship is not a healthy one.  They prioritize their parents’ approval over their own happiness.

Another way they attempt to gain their parents’ approval is when children of narcissistic parents get into a lot of debt & then rely on their parents to help them pay it off.  This can be a way for them to prove their parents right by showing that they are unable to manage their finances & need their parents’ help.

In order to stop this destructive cycle, it’s vitally important to recognize that you deserve better than this.  You are a child of God!  Galatians 3:26 in the Amplified Bible says, “For you [who are born-again have been reborn from above—spiritually transformed, renewed, sanctified and] are all children of God [set apart for His purpose with full rights & privileges] through faith in Christ Jesus.”  God is the only parent whose approval you should seek!  Seek Him & nurture that relationship.  He will give you that love & approval you want & more.

It’s also very important to focus on building self-esteem.  Study what the Bible says about you.  God has very definite & wonderful opinions of His children, & learning those things will help build your self-esteem.

It also will help you to learn how to have realistic expectations of not only yourself but your parents as well.  If you view yourself & them realistically, you won’t be disappointed when you make mistakes or hurt when they’re so critical because you know that is just what they do.

And, while the Bible says we are to honor our parents, that doesn’t mean we are to allow them to determine how we feel about ourselves.  Your self worth doesn’t need to depend on how they see you.  It needs to come from learning what God says about you & from within.  Honoring them also doesn’t mean that you have to tolerate anything they say or do to you, no matter how cruel.  You can have healthy boundaries & honor your parents, although I’m sure narcissistic parents will disagree with that statement.  I wrote a small book on the topic called “How To Honor Abusive Parents”, & it’s available on my website at www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com or at this link.

Learn to release the hope of ever gaining your narcissistic parents’ approval.  Also get to know God as your Father, learn to love & accept yourself & have realistic expectations of your parents.  You will be much happier for it!

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Some People Who Want To Help Others May Appear Kind But Their Motives Are Purely Selfish

It’s not uncommon for people to want to help others, whether it’s lending a hand or a shoulder to cry on.  Unfortunately, some individuals take on this role for purely selfish reasons, & covert narcissists are people who do exactly that.  

Covert narcissists often behave in this way.  They act like they are doing something to help other people, but in reality, they are only doing what they are doing as a way to benefit themselves.  They often easily manipulate or control their victims by appearing meek & helpful when the truth is that they are anything but.  Today, we will discuss this particular behavior of the covert narcissist & how to recognize them.

Covert narcissists often try to help people for all the wrong reasons.  They want to make themselves look good or feel better about themselves by helping others.  It’s important to recognize the subtle signs of covert narcissists so you can protect yourself from their toxic behavior.

Some of the most common signs of a covert narcissist include but are not limited to always talking about themselves in a humble way, a complete lack of genuine empathy, being very self centered, expecting others to be grateful for their help even when it isn’t truly helpful or needed, subtly manipulating conversations such as frequently interrupting, & always trying to be the hero.  

I’ve been around quite a few covert narcissists in my life.  My ex husband & my late mother in-law were covert narcissists, as was my father.  One thing they all had in common was saying that they wanted to help me, but their motives were anything less than unselfish.  They wanted to be the hero in an attempt to make me dependent on them.  My father in particular always wanted to be the one to fix things for me, & he clearly didn’t care if I could solve the problem or not.

It was difficult to recognize this behavior at the time, but looking back, I can see how manipulative this behavior was.  My father & ex often tried to control the situation & make me reliant on them.  Their actions were clearly selfish, & they didn’t care about helping me, but only about how it would make them look or feel about themselves.

It’s important to recognize these signs of a covert narcissist & protect yourself from their manipulation.  If you suspect that someone is a covert narcissist, be wary of their intentions when they try to help you, & don’t let them control the situation by “rescuing” you.  If you recognize that they constantly are trying to help you when it is unnecessary & unasked for, thank them for their effort, remind them that you can handle the situation, & don’t allow them to participate in solving your problem.  Any small access they have to your situation, they will use to their advantage, & they will use it to hurt or control you.  They probably will be offended that you don’t want their help, but it is better than allowing such toxic people into your personal life where they can hurt & control you.

Covert narcissists are cruel, heartless people who try to appear as good, caring people by helping others.  They will manipulate or control their victims at any opportunity, & don’t truly care about helping them.  It’s important to recognize the signs of covert narcissists & protect yourself from their toxic behavior.  It’s also important to recognize that not everyone who helps others is a covert narcissist, & to be open to genuine acts of kindness.

If you’re a victim of narcissistic abuse, remember that you are not alone.  Reach out to supportive people in your life, such as family or friends.  I also have a group on Facebook full of supportive, kind, caring people who have experienced all matters of narcissistic abuse.  It’s a safe place to communicate with others who have experienced similar situations to yours.  Feel free to connect with it if you like!

Identifying Your Feelings For Better Mental Health

Have you ever heard of the emotions wheel?  If not, it is pretty much as it’s described- a wheel labeled with emotions.  The emotions wheel was developed to help people to articulate their feelings clearly, & this wheel helps people to do just that.  It looks much like an old spoked wheel. The center of the wheel has basic feelings labeled such as anger, afraid & happy.  Going towards the outer edge are some more specific feelings that relate to each emotion & the last round at the edge has even more specific feelings.  For example, the center may say “anger”, the next round above it will say things like “hostile, hateful, hurt, angry” then the next round above that could say “jealous, irritated, frustrated, critical”.  There are variations on this wheel, but all share the same basic format.

Emotions wheels are a very useful tool, I believe.  Sometimes it can be hard to put feelings into words.  If you already struggle with words maybe due to aphasia from a brain injury or simply aren’t good with words, emotions wheels can be very helpful in finding a way to describe your emotions.

Or, maybe you are someone who isn’t really in touch with their emotions.  You know you feel things but are unsure of what those emotions are.  That can happen after narcissistic abuse because of the gaslighting.  When you’re told over & over that what you feel is wrong or you don’t feel that way but this way instead, it can be hard to recognize your emotions.  My mother always criticized my “Bailey temper”, making me sound like I had a serious anger problem.  Eventually I learned that my supposed terrible temper was sometimes just frustration, not anger.  In the midst of the situation though, I had no idea of that.  I thought I was an angry person.

There are also times it can be very hard to pinpoint exactly why you feel the way you do about something.  For example, I sometimes feel extremely angry when people get mad at me for something that isn’t my fault.  The sillier the issue, the more angry I’m likely to get.  Like, if I was outside without my phone & missed an unexpected call, & the caller was mad I didn’t answer, that would infuriate me.  Thanks to the emotions wheel, I have learned feeling shame & humiliation are at the root of it.  Those feelings are there because growing up, I felt such intense pressure to do everything right, & when I didn’t, I was harshly criticized.  Recognizing that has helped me to deal with my old wounds so I don’t immediately get angry if that type of situation arises.    

Whether you are in therapy or not, no matter how far along on your healing journey you are, or even if you haven’t been abused, I highly recommend getting an emotions wheel.  You can search for them online- there are many free variations out there.  When you’re struggling with your emotions, look at the wheel & figure out what you’re feeling.  You may be surprised what you learn.

Make sure you don’t forget to pray, too.  Let God show you whatever it is you need to learn.  He will show you things that help you tremendously.  The wheel will help you but not nearly as much as God will!

Siblings In Narcissistic Families

Although I’m an only child, I’ve talked to many people who have siblings & narcissistic parents.  Their stories are often quite similar.  Following is some of what I have seen in these situations.

There is that one child who is the “good” one who can do no wrong, also known as the golden child.  There is also a scapegoat who receives all the blame for the problems in the family.  There are also some other possible roles for children in this family.  The lost child is the one whose parents mostly ignore them.  The family screw up is similar to the scapegoat in that he or she can do nothing right but they also aren’t necessarily to blame for all problems.  Lastly is the family joker who constantly tries to lighten the mood of the dysfunction with humor. 

Whatever the child’s role, they are all simply trying to survive their environment however works best for them.  The golden child tries to please their narcissistic parents, often by making them look good or even imitating them.  The scapegoat tries to please them until they realize they can’t no matter what they do, & then they usually begin to rebel.  The lost child fades quietly into the background.  The family screw up tries pleasing their parents, even if it means failing to prove the parents are right about how awful they are.  The joker says or does anything, even inappropriate things, when things get too tense in an attempt to diffuse bad situations.  Sometimes, children follow in their narcissistic parents’ footsteps, & become narcissists themselves.  At the very least, they often display some narcissistic tendencies until they realize they dislike that behavior in themselves & make healthy changes.

These children continue their roles into adulthood, unless they understand the truth of their situation.  Usually the first one to recognize the dysfunction is the scapegoat.  Often, they try to get their siblings to see the truth, but are met with shaming, mocking &/or denial.  Scapegoats are also usually the first ones who sever ties with their family members because once they have seen the truth, they can’t return to the toxicity.  The other children bond even closer to their abusive parents & talk badly about the scapegoat when this happens. 

The remaining children, even as adults often with their own children & even grandchildren, remain blindly loyal to their parents.  They won’t hesitate to hurt their spouse, children or grandchildren by keeping their narcissistic parents as their top priority.  Of course, they don’t think they are doing anything wrong.  After all, they’re just helping out their parents & that certainly can’t be wrong, according to them.  They often are sanctimonious about how much they do for their parents, & judge other siblings for not doing enough.  In their minds, this relationship with their parents proves they are good people & part of a loving, close family. 

Once the narcissistic parents are gone & only their adult children remain, things can get interesting.  Sometimes, they simply go their own ways, losing contact with each other.  Other times, they continue their dysfunctional relationships with each other.  In some ways, it’s almost as if their parents are still alive.  They still see each other as their parents saw them.  Even after their parents have died, they still treat each other as their parents taught them to, basically carrying out their parents’ tradition of abuse.

If this is your situation, please know you’re not alone!  There are so many people with similar stories.  Find some support.  There are online forums that can help.  My Facebook group is full of caring, kind, supportive people with all kinds of experience with narcissistic abuse.  Talking with others with similar stories will help you so much.  Learn all you can about Narcissistic Personality Disorder & healing from narcissistic abuse, too.  Read books & blogs, watch YouTube videos, listen to podcasts.  There is a great deal of information out there.  Most of all, never forget to pray.  God wants to help you!  Tell him whatever you’re experiencing & ask for His help to heal & cope.  He will be more than happy to help you!

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The Truth Versus Your Truth

A fairly common saying among people today is about speaking “your truth.”  It sounds empowering on the surface, doesn’t it?  But if you look a bit deeper than just at the surface, you see it is far from empowering. 

“Your truth” can be anything.  Your truth could be that grass is purple, as an example.  You could believe that with every single fiber of your being.  You could post it all over social media, wear clothing that says grass is purple & even message or call everyone you know daily to remind them that you believe that grass is purple.  Your conviction, however strong it may be, doesn’t mean that grass is indeed purple.  The truth is that grass is green, not purple.  And, encouraging someone to believe that the grass is purple instead of all evidence that proves it’s green is enabling some belief that isn’t true.  That is never a good thing!

Abuse survivors frequently are told to speak “their truth.”  This often seems very condescending to me, as if the person saying this is telling the victim “you weren’t really abused, but if it makes you feel better saying that you were, then go for it!”  If someone is abused, that abuse isn’t simply “their truth.”  If someone was abused in any way – verbally, emotionally, mentally, physically, sexually, financially or spiritually – that is the truth.  It isn’t subjective.  It’s a fact.  To tell a person that “their truth” is that someone abused them rather than recognizing it as a fact is very minimizing of the real truth.

I firmly believe people who use the phrase “your truth” often are being manipulative.  Not always, since some people innocently use the phrase in trying to help others of course, but I don’t see that happening all that often.  Much more frequently, when this phrase is used, manipulation is involved.  People who use this phrase may be trying to make someone feel stupid & themselves superior by patronizing them when they use the phrase, “your truth” instead of “the truth.”  They also may be trying to stop the person they are speaking with from discussing abuse by making them feel badly or doubt that they were abused when they say comments about “your truth.”  Such a snarky, condescending comment can make most people doubt what they say is truly accurate.  Whatever the reason, when a person says something about you discussing “your truth,” it often is a big red flag, & should not be ignored.

When someone says something about you speaking “your truth”, it can be hard not to submit to their belittling, minimizing attitude, especially if you have been abused.  Abusers minimize their victims’ complaints & concerns, which can make them doubt themselves with or without their abusers’ input.  It simply becomes a very bad habit.  I want to encourage you today not to doubt yourself though!  Remind yourself that there is no such thing as “your truth.”  There is only “the truth.”  If you have any doubts about what the truth is in your situation, then research what the Bible has to say about the topic at hand.  The Bible can prove or disprove any topic, & is full of the real truth.  After all, God is the God of truth, according to Psalm 31:5.  In the Amplified Bible, it says, “Into Your hand I commit my spirit; You have redeemed me, O Lord, the God of truth and faithfulness.” 

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I hope you’ll check it out at the link below. It’s a universal link, & will show you all the places the book can be purchased so you can purchase it from your favorite ebook retailer. If you don’t see your favorite retailer, feel free to email me (CynthiaBaileyRug@aol.com). I can sell it to you directly after I convert the book into your desired format.

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Why Narcissists Are Quick To Judge Their Victims’ Mental Health

A very common tactic of narcissists is to make their victim look mentally or emotionally damaged somehow.  Doing this works out very well for narcissists, & equally badly for their victims.

If a narcissist can make the victim believe that they are damaged, the victim naturally will look elsewhere for information like what they should feel in situations, what they should do, & even just how to live.  Naturally they look to the person closest to them, which usually is the narcissist.  A victim who believes they are inferior to the narcissist will trust that narcissist to help them navigate life, & become a very well controlled victim. 

A victim who has been humiliated in this manner & doesn’t understand what is happening also will be anxious to do anything to prove this isn’t true, which also gives the narcissist control over him or her.  Since the narcissist is the one who started this lie, the victim may think they can get the narcissist to change his or her mind.  The victim may try to get the narcissist to see they aren’t crazy or whatever the narcissist claims they are by behaving however the narcissist wants them to behave as an attempt to regain their favor.  I felt this way growing up when my mother told me that I “needed help” as she often did.  I failed to realize at the time if she was so convinced I was mentally ill, she should have taken me to a doctor.

Convincing victims that they are seriously flawed damages their self-esteem at best, & destroys it at worst.  Either way works for the narcissist, because he or she will feel superior to their horribly flawed victim.  Feeling superior adds to the illusion that the narcissist is a wonderful person, which is tremendous narcissistic supply.

If a narcissist can get other people to see the victim as clearly inferior, those people won’t believe the victim if the victim speaks up about the narcissist’s abusive behavior.  They will chalk these stories up to the victim being unstable, over sensitive, neurotic, crazy or whatever the narcissist has said the victim is.  This means people won’t help the victim escape the narcissist.  In fact, they may even encourage that victim to change their behavior & listen to the narcissist, & maintain the relationship.  Victims in this situation are left without support, & may resign to maintaining this abusive relationship.

If a victim does escape the narcissist, their reputation that the narcissist created will do them plenty of harm.  People who believe the narcissist’s lies will flock to the narcissist’s side to offer comfort & support, while (often very cruelly) rejecting the victim.  They assume the victim really is as bad as the narcissist has said because he or she left the narcissist.  Victims in this situation are often left with little or even no support at the time they need it most.

There is another reason narcissists behave this way.  Doing so convinces them that their victim is the problem, not them or their abusive ways.  Claiming the victim is mentally or emotionally unbalanced makes that victim the narcissist’s scapegoat.  Having a scapegoat opens the door for narcissists to blame the scapegoat for anything & everything they want.  This means they can justify their abusive ways in their mind.  Narcissists with scapegoats can function without worry that there is anything wrong with them, because they have convinced themselves that the scapegoats are to blame for every single problem they have. 

If you are faced with a narcissist claiming that you are deeply flawed mentally or emotionally, remember, this isn’t about your mental health.  This is about the narcissist having an ulterior motive, & that motive is going to hurt you!  Protect yourself & don’t believe the lies!  Remember, narcissists attack what they feel threatened by.  They tell beautiful people they’re ugly, they tell smart people they’re stupid, & they tell sane people they’re crazy. 

Damage Caused By Chronic Invalidation

Have you been in a relationship with someone who constantly mocks & judges you?  Has this person told you often how wrong, stupid or even crazy you are?  As a result, do you struggle with relationships & mental health?  If so, you are a victim of chronic invalidation.

Invalidation is an utterly sinister form of mental abuse.  It’s when people reject, mock or judge another person’s feelings.  Invalidation implies or sometimes says outright that the person being invalidated is wrong, stupid, abnormal or even crazy for feeling the way they do.

Invalidation is a common tool of abusers, in particular narcissists.  Chronic invalidation destroys a person’s ability to trust themselves, & victims turn to their abusers for information.  This makes the invalidated person easy to control, which of course is the goal for abusers.

Toxic shame is another natural result of chronic invalidation.  Constantly feeling that there is something deeply wrong with you normally makes you feel ashamed of yourself.  After all, if you believe you are wrong about everything, stupid, abnormal or crazy, why would you feel anything other than toxic shame!?

Another natural result of chronic invalidation is secrecy.  You are reminded often of how awful you are, you learn that your thoughts, feelings & experiences aren’t worth sharing with anyone, not only the person who made you feel this way.  Why would you talk about anything when clearly, at least in your mind, nothing about you is worth discussing?

Some mental health problems can be a direct result to chronic invalidation too.  Being angry is certainly natural & understandable.  No one likes the feeling of being put down constantly, no matter how much they may believe they deserve it.  Many victims turn their anger inward & become self harming or even go as far as to having suicidal thoughts.  Others turn that anger outward & become as abusive as their own abusers were.

Depression is another natural result of chronic invalidation.  Not only does it make a person angry but also sad.  Believing you are too awful, stupid, etc. for words is extremely depressing!  Plus depression sometimes can be anger turned inward & ignored rather than dealt with, so depression in these situations is completely normal.

Relationships are affected drastically when someone experiences chronic invalidation.  Victims may continually end up in abusive relationships, either romantic or friendships.  This is because it can impossible for a victim of chronic invalidation to feel worthy of healthy relationships over toxic ones. 

Victims also tolerate way too much because they believe abuse is normal.  Or, if their abuser throws them the occasional bread crumb of love among the abuse, they believe the relationship is good, because they feel like wanting more is asking too much or being demanding.

Along these lines, victims also may sabotage or end healthy relationships because they feel so foreign, & too good to be true. 

Victims also often find themselves taking on too much responsibility in relationships.  If their partner isn’t happy, they assume it’s their fault & they must make this person happy.  If the partner is happy, that is a form of validation to victims, so they try to make this happen at about any cost to themselves.

If you recognize yourself, please know there is hope!  You can heal!  Learn about boundaries & start setting them.  Start small if you need to, because that will help you gain confidence which helps you to set bigger ones then bigger & bigger until you have healthy boundaries. 

Question things.  If someone makes you feel invalidated, ask yourself are they right or wrong?  If it helps, imagine this scenario happened with someone else who feels as you do.  Would you feel comfortable telling them the same things said to you?  If not, why not?

And always ask God for help!  Ask Him to show you the truth, to help you to heal & anything else you can think of that you need.  With His help, you can heal & have healthier, loving relationships!

When Healing, Question Everything

Recently I’ve been struggling quite a bit.  The holiday season is always a big challenge for me thanks to so many awful holidays during my adult life, but 2022, it was worse than usual.  I was really depressed & couldn’t figure out why.  I tried to ignore it since I couldn’t figure it out, & just chalked it up to this happens sometimes. 

Just after the first of the year though, I remembered something.  Many years ago, I read that in some people, repressed anger is at the root of their depression.  I’m all about getting to the root of things so I thought about this.  Suddenly things started to click in my mind.  I have been abused so much & have plenty of reasons to be angry.  Yet, expressing anger always has been an issue for me.  I learned early from my parents that my anger wasn’t acceptable, even though they were allowed to express theirs at any time.  There have been so many other people in my life who continued this treatment of me.  As a result, I learned it was easier to ignore my anger.  But, apparently now is the time to deal with it, so I’ve been learning how to do that.

I started by asking God what to do.  He brought to mind many things done to me that made me angry, yet I didn’t express that anger.  I identified the anger, then thought about specifically why I was angry.  If you have seen the Wheel Of Emotions, you’ll know what I mean.  Emotions funnel down to a precise facet.  In my case, I felt angry because I was mad for being betrayed, disrespected, violated &/or treated as if I didn’t matter as much as other people.  Then, I thought of questions about my situations that made me look at the situations differently.

One example that came to mind was when my mother threw me into a wall when I was 19.  She was upset that although she picked a fight with me that night, I not only fought back, but then I wanted to get away, as any normal human would. That is why she threw me into the wall, to prevent me from leaving.  My father was upset that when he walked out a few minutes before this happened, she “locked him out”, even though his keys were in his pocket.   My ex husband/then fiancée was upset because, according to him, it was hard on him when Mom abused me.  I stayed with a friend’s parents that night & they were upset I didn’t come straight to their house immediately after it happened.  For the first time, I recently realized how horrible this was.  I was the one assaulted, yet no one cared how I felt!  I wondered why didn’t it matter to anyone that I was physically hurt & in a state of shock?  All that mattered is how THEY felt, not me, & I was the victim!  How does this make sense?  How can they honestly be ok with being so selfish?

By asking these questions, it got me madder than I was, which turned out to be a very good thing.  It enabled me to get rid of so much anger inside by finally feeling it.  It also made me realize I deserved to be treated so much better, which helped me realize I never would tolerate this again.

For a long time now, I’ve realized using logic helps when dealing with narcissists.  Calmly asking them logical questions like, “Why should I tolerate you treating me like that?  How does this benefit either of us?” often makes them back off, even if only temporarily.  Until this happened though, I had no idea how useful this could be in emotional healing after abuse.  It really is helpful though, & I hope you will try this as well!

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“You Should Just Leave”

Being in a relationship with an abusive person is incredibly hard.  The routine changes daily, so what was good yesterday is suddenly bad today.  There is also constant belittling, invalidating, crazy-making, & so much more.  Seeing someone suffering like this, many people’s first thought is, “you should just leave.”  When someone doesn’t “just leave” in a timely manner or doesn’t want to leave at all, people often become disgusted with this person.  They either lose patience with the person & end the relationship or they think this is a sign the abuse isn’t so bad.  They may even doubt the person really is being abused at all, since they won’t leave. 

What these people fail to realize is that there are many very valid reasons a person stays in an abusive relationship for too long.  Today we are going to discuss some of them.

Victims are often terrified of their abusers & for good reasons.  Their abuser may be physically violent, or has threatened violence.  Or, he or she may not have threatened violence specifically, but instead has done things like punch walls, break things or hurt the victim’s pets.  Such behaviors show that this person is capable of violence, & no threats need to be spoken to instill fear in someone witnessing these behaviors.

Abusers annihilate their victims’ self esteem, which convinces them they need their abuser.  A person with no self esteem doesn’t believe in themselves in any capacity, which means they don’t know that they don’t need to depend on another person.  In fact, the thought of living without their abuser telling them what to do, think & feel often instills blind panic in a victim.

Abusers convince their victims that can change, & this won’t happen again.  Everyone has heard a story of a woman whose husband beats her, she leaves, he promises it’ll never happen again & she goes back to him over & over.  This is a common scenario.  Abusers panic when their victims leave.  They shower their victims with love & affection, & they make all kinds of promises to lure their victims back, including the promise to treat them better.  Abusers can appear very believable at this point, which is partly why their victims give them another chance.

Victims rarely have any real support to help them leave.  Abusers isolate their victims from friends & family so they can abuse their victims without interference.  Victims are often completely alone by the time they are ready to leave.  Leaving is hard enough with support, but without?  It’s so much harder.

Victims also rarely have any money.  Abusers take their victims’ paychecks or make sure they can’t work so they are financially dependent on the abuser.  It takes money to move out so without it, they are stuck.

Victims stay to protect their children.  Many victims will tolerate the abuse as a way to protect their children.  Their abuser won’t hurt the children as long as he has the victim to hurt.  Or, maybe the abuser said if the victim leaves, he or she will hurt or kill the children.  Staying seems like the safer alternative.

Victims are shamed & chastised by so called “religious” people.  So many people twist Scripture around to make the victim look like the problem for ending an abusive marriage.  These people also refuse to acknowledge the seriousness of abuse, help the victim in any way & abandon the victim in their time of need.

The law isn’t always on the side of victims, & is no help.  If you have proof of physical abuse, your chances of help are pretty good.  However, not all abusers abuse physically.  Other types of abuse are either legal or hard to prove.  Emotional, sexual, financial & spiritual abuse all fall into those categories.

As you can see, leaving an abusive person isn’t easy.  If you ever think of saying, “You should just leave” to someone in an abusive relationship, I hope you will consider these reasons why it’s not so easy to “just leave.”  Or, if you are the one in an abusive relationship & someone tells you that you should just leave, I hope you will fill them in on why that is not possible at the moment.

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Having Lots Of Stuff Can Be Bad For Your Mental Health

As someone with C-PTSD who has suffered with anxiety my entire life, I have had to learn ways to manage the anxiety.  One way to do this I have found is to avoid having too much “stuff”.  Clutter adds to anxiety as does the pressure of having a lot of items that need care and maintenance.  This has caused me to seriously consider items I have, what to do with them & the best ways to declutter.  I want to share what I learned with you today.

I have learned the value of stuff thanks to moving many times in my adult life as well as being in charge of my late parents’ estates.  Some things are absolutely priceless to me, such as my Pfaltzgraff Tea Rose dishes given to me by my lovely grandmother in 1990.  They aren’t prized antiques worth thousands of dollars, but they’re very special to me anyway.  Other items are worthless, & have no real value or use to me.  Most items are somewhere in between.  Each time I have moved as well as when cleaning out my parents’ home, I had to decide the value of each item to help me decide if I should keep it or not. 

To help me decide what is worth keeping & what is not, I ask myself some questions about the items.  First, does this item serve me?  In other words, does it have a use for me?  If yes, then fine, it stays.  If not, is it in good condition?  Then it can be sold given away or donated to charity.  If it isn’t in good condition, then it needs to go in the trash. 

Second, I ask do I love this item?  Sentimental items often fit into this category.  If I love the item, even if it doesn’t serve a useful purpose, most likely it will stay.  That isn’t always possible though, so rather than keep it, I take a picture of it then sell, donate or give it away.

If I am unsure about an item, I consider this question: if I was to move tomorrow, would this item be worth the trouble of packing up, unpacking at the new place & finding a place to store it?  After moving many times, I have learned what a horrid chore moving is, so this question helps me to put items in perspective.

Another thing I have found helpful is to have a box available at all times for items that are to be donated to charity.  This simple act makes giving away decent items much easier since all you have to do is put them in the box, & when the box is full, drop it off at your favorite charity. 

While this information hardly sounds like my usual topics for helping your mental health, this information actually is helpful for your mental health!  The less stuff you have cluttering your home, the less stuff you have to worry about maintaining.  That is really important!  Too much stuff can all too easily clutter your mind & home.  It is much healthier & also freeing to have less stuff that has more value to you than lots of stuff.  This doesn’t mean you need to get rid of 99% of your possessions & live in a tiny house with virtually nothing.  It does mean that it is wise to exercise wisdom regarding your possessions.  Don’t hoard stuff just to have it.  Keep what serves you well & that you love, & get rid of the rest.  I think Matthew 6:19-21 in the Amplified Bible shares a great deal of wisdom on this topic: “Do not store up for yourselves [material] treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. ²⁰ But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in and steal; ²¹ for where your treasure is, there your heart [your wishes, your desires; that on which your life centers] will be also.”

Dealing With People Who Minimize Or Invalidate Your Trauma

I have lost track of how many people I have spoken with who have been faced with cruel people minimizing & invalidating their trauma.  Like these people, I’ve faced it myself.  Mostly from family but also from total strangers who have commented on my work.  This behavior absolutely infuriates me whether it’s aimed at me or someone else, because it is so far beyond WRONG!

People who behave this way have no idea that although the trauma may have happened in the past, it still affects the present.  When you have C-PTSD or PTSD, the past is constantly a part of the present, whether or not you want it to be.  Even if you have tried hard to heal & cope, some things are simply too odious to heal from in a lifetime.  That doesn’t make you flawed or broken.  It makes you human.

Also, what makes anyone think they have the right to judge another person for how they have handled trauma?  Do they honestly think they could have handled the situation better?  Or maybe to them, your trauma doesn’t sound so bad.  So what?  They aren’t you.  Things that devastate you may not affect them & things that devastate them may not affect you.  People are different.  That doesn’t make one person right & the other wrong in these situations.  It makes them different.  Contrary to what many people seem to think, different isn’t a bad thing!

Even people with good intentions can be invalidating.  Comments like, “I’m sure it wasn’t all that bad”, “You’ll be ok!” are just as invalidating & damaging as when someone’s intentions are deliberate & malicious.  When I was in high school, I spoke to my guidance counselor about the abuse at home.  One thing I told her was how my mother would scream at me every day, telling me how horrible I was.  She actually told me, “That doesn’t sound so bad.”  That was in 1989 & thinking about that still makes me angry!  It really was bad, I can assure you of that.

When this sort of thing happens to you, there are some things you can do.  Rather than accept the invalidation as fact, question it.  Ask God to tell you the truth about the situation & listen to what He has to say.  And, question the person saying what they did.  You can ask them why would they say that about something that clearly traumatized you, or why do they think it’s ok to be so heartless.  Questions like that can stop a person in their tracks.  Someone who didn’t intend to hurt you will be upset you said that but realize why you did.  They will apologize & be more sensitive to you.  Someone who did intend to hurt you will make excuses for what they said or blame you for being over sensitive or overreacting.

Another tactic that can help is repeating what the person said back to them.  As an example, let’s say you were robbed at knife point, & someone says that happened last year, so you shouldn’t be upset about it anymore.  You could respond with, “You know what?  You’re absolutely right!  I don’t know what I was thinking!  I shouldn’t be so sensitive.  I should just forget that someone robbed me & easily could have killed me.  That makes perfect sense doesn’t it?!”

You also need to have good boundaries.  If someone repeatedly invalidates you, you don’t have to tolerate it.  Let them know this isn’t something you will tolerate, & if they continue, you will have to hang up the phone or leave, then follow through if they continue. 

If this person continues to treat you this way in spite of knowing how much they are hurting you, you may need to end the relationship.  Naturally, that is your decision of course, but it should be a possibility in your mind, because you don’t deserve this sort of cruel treatment.

I hope you feel better equipped to deal with invalidating people now, because you deserve to be treated so much better than that!

A Message For Trauma Survivors

Those who survive trauma suffer a great deal beyond the traumatic events they endured.  They also struggle with anxiety, depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder & more.  Experiencing trauma changes how your brain works & how you think.  Because of this, today I want to remind those of you who survived trauma of some important things.

You are strong.  I know, you don’t feel that way but you are.  Even if you have some serious struggles with your mental health, you’re strong.  You survived what easily could have killed another person.  Yes, you have some damage from that but you still survived.  That is proof that you are strong!

You are valuable.  Abusers do love to convince their victims that they are useless wastes of space don’t they?  The fact is though that they only say this because it keeps their victims down & easier to control, not because they believe it.  In fact, if they work hard to convince you that you have no value, it only goes to show that they know you are valuable.  If they believed you truly to be worthless, why would they work so hard to convince you that you are worthless?

You are not to blame for the abuse.  I don’t care what your abuser said, you are not to blame for anything they did.  You never made that person hurt you.  Nothing anyone says or does can force another person to abuse them.  Get mad, sure.  Maybe even hit someone in extreme cases.  But, ongoing abuse is the result of the decision to abuse someone over & over again.  That decision is the sole responsibility of abusers.

You didn’t deserve the abuse.  Again, I don’t care what your abuser said.  Nothing you did means you deserved whatever your abuser did to you.  They chose to abuse because of something very fundamentally wrong with them, not because of anything you did.

If your abuser was someone you fell in love with, that isn’t a reason for you to feel stupid or be ashamed of yourself.  Abusers aren’t horrible all of the time.  If they were, they’d be easy to spot & avoid.  Abusers often portray themselves as just what their victim wants in a mate, which is why good people fall in love with them every day.

You are allowed to talk about what he or she did to you.  Abusers love their victims to stay quiet & will not hesitate to use anything in their power to make that happen.  They don’t want anyone to know what they have done or are doing because that might mean someone would think badly of them, give them consequences for their behavior or even stop them from abusing their victims.  The truth though is that this isn’t just their story.  It’s yours too, which means you have every right to discuss it as much or as little as you want.  If they want you to talk about them in a good way, they shouldn’t have abused you!  Don’t forget too that discussing it isn’t trying to ruin their reputation.  It’s simply telling what happened to you.

Your wants & needs are valid.  Your desire to be treated with basic common decency is valid.  Normal, even.  Your wants & needs don’t mean you’re “high maintenance”, needy or impossible to please.

Your emotions are also valid.  Just because your abuser said you are over sensitive, overreacting or can’t take a joke doesn’t mean these things are true.  Your anger & hurt over their behavior are valid, & perfectly normal under the circumstances.

It’s perfectly ok to take days off.  So many abusers convince their victims that they’re lazy, & that often sticks around long after the abuse is over.  I struggle with this myself, so I want to tell you what I tell myself.  There is nothing wrong with taking days off.  It doesn’t mean you’re lazy.  It means you’re human & need some rest.  Healing from abuse & living with the mental & emotional struggles are a lot of work!  Rest is essential anyway but especially when you’re trying to heal.

I hope this post helps you to remember these important points.  I wish you the best!

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Validation & Praise

Growing up with abusive parents is a truly horrific experience.  The abuse takes a deep root inside of you & does a tremendous amount of damage.  One common way that damage manifests is the need for validation from other people.  If you think this doesn’t describe you, then please read on anyway.  You just might learn something about yourself.

External validation is great.  It’s always nice when other people praise you or say that something that was done to you was wrong.  However, adult children of abusive parents often take the desire for such things to an extreme.  It is quite clear that is what is happening when a person displays certain behaviors.

Someone who drops hints about something good they have done or a good quality they have may be seeking external validation.  The praise that other people give them in such situations is very welcomed since it tells this person that they really are OK, good, smart, attractive, valuable, etc.

Similarly, exaggerating a person’s good deeds or qualities is another cry for external validation.  As the saying goes, you don’t see commercials for Rolls Royce cars because they know their worth & value.  They don’t need to convince others they are great.  Anyone who feels they must magnify their good qualities is doing so in the hopes of gaining praise & external validation.

Excessive posting on social media can be a sign of someone looking for external validation.  Someone who shares a lot about their life on social media may be seeking “likes” & positive comments as a way to gain some external validation.

Please don’t get me wrong.  I’m not saying a person who mentions something positive they have done, a positive quality they have or who shares on social media is completely dysfunctional.  Not at all!  I’m simply saying these things when done in excess can be a sign of someone who is seeking external validation & that is unhealthy.

External validation is great, but it truly shouldn’t be extremely, over the top important to anyone.  If it is, this is a sign of something wrong, such as low self esteem or envy.  It also can be a sign of a personality disorder.  Narcissists clearly take this to an extreme since they demand approval & praise from others, but those with Borderline Personality Disorder may also seek external validation frequently.

Being hyper-focused on external validation can be truly disruptive to a person’s life.  It can damage or ruin relationships with its neediness.  Even the most patient people get tired of feeling as if they constantly must reassure someone at some point. 

If you feel a strong need for external validation, you can fix this problem!  I know, because I once felt that need but no longer do.  I hope what I did helps you too!

The first step for me was to turn to God.  I asked Him for help, to show me what I needed to do to be healthier & to help me understand who He says I am.  I also studied what the Bible says about believers.  There are a lot of Scriptures about what God thinks of His children!  It’s very eye opening!

I watched my behavior, too.  If I realized I was starting to seek validation from other people, I stopped myself.  I asked myself why I felt this was necessary.  I also asked myself why I felt I needed the approval of this particular person.  If that person was dysfunctional, I realized that their approval truly wasn’t important.  They naturally would only praise dysfunctional behaviors so why would I want their validation?!  I also realized that those who are functional won’t make me feel I have to beg for validation.  They offer it freely.

Rather than turning to people for validation, I turned inward.  I acknowledged my feelings & thoughts.  If I felt that I did something well, I praised myself.  If I recognized something I’ve been through was wrong or bad, I told myself that.  My validation became good enough for me.  That took some time but it did happen & was well worth the wait!

I hope if you are seeking external validation in excess, you can change your ways.  People are fallible human beings, which means they will fail you sometimes.  Constantly looking to them for validation is setting yourself up for disappointment.  Instead, turning to God for it & learning to validate yourself will be much more fulfilling for you!

You Deserve Compassion & Kindness!

Once someone has been abused, often they quietly & obliviously develop the misguided belief that they are unworthy of compassion & kindness. 

Most likely this comes from their abusers constantly telling them that they are a burden, they’re stupid, do nothing but cause problems & other things that instill a deep root of toxic shame in victims.  That toxic shame tells people that their feelings, needs, wants, pains & every other thing about them aren’t valid. 

Add into this the phrase “victim mentality” & the shame society often inflicts on anyone who says they were a victim.  Clueless & often heartless people say victims should’ve just walked away, pulled themselves up by their bootstraps, they should stop living in the past & being so negative.  It makes people feel that they deserved the abuse, & are weak for being abused or even having PTSD or C-PTSD as a result of the abuse, which only adds to the toxic shame.

Even worse than the toxic shame is the fact that being on the receiving end of such treatment makes people doubt the validity of their pain over their experiences.  They may think they weren’t abused so badly since their parent didn’t beat them, or their abusive husband “only” forced her to have sex a few times.  Other people have it so much worse, so their experiences couldn’t be all that bad, right?  WRONG!  They were bad!  In fact, they were worse than bad.  They were atrocious!  Being abused is horrible, no matter how frequently one is abused or whether it was verbal, physical, sexual, spiritual or financial. 

After being on the receiving end of such treatment, is it common for people to think they’re awful people, whining about trivial matters, so they don’t deserve any compassion or kindness.  Today, I want to tell anyone who feels this way that they are ABSOLUTELY WRONG!  I don’t care what your abusers said you were or that other people maybe had it “worse” than you.  Your pain is valid.  Your experiences were terrible.  You did NOT deserve any of it.  And, you deserve compassion and kindness! 

Whether you are comfortable admitting this or not, the truth is you have been through some pretty horrific things.  Those things weren’t your fault.  You did nothing whatsoever to deserve them.  You aren’t a bad person because others said you were & treated you terribly.  Their behavior speaks much more about them than it does you.  And, it doesn’t mean you are undeserving of compassion & kindness.  You are as worthy of compassion & kindness just as much as any other person.  In fact, you are just as worthy as any other person in every possible way, period.

If you haven’t begun to focus on your healing, maybe today is the day to start.  It will benefit you so much to do so!  Admitting the abuse was wrong & painful is an excellent place to start.  Also recognizing that the way your abuser treated you truly had nothing to do with you but with your abusers is powerful for healing.  Get angry about the unfairness & cruelty of what was done to you!  That will help you to see that you didn’t deserve it, & you deserve to be treated so much better.  Pray, write in a journal, seek a counselor that specializes in trauma or whatever helps you to heal.  The more you heal, the more you’ll recognize that you are valuable.  The more you recognize your own value, the less poor treatment from other people you will tolerate.  You also will recognize what you deserve, & that includes to be loved, respected & treated compassionately & kindly. 

Blaming Abusive Parents Versus Holding Them Accountable

Life isn’t easy for adults who were abused by their parents.  The judgment of other people, often those who don’t know much if anything about the situation can be particularly painful.

Society as a whole says things like blood is thicker than water, forgive & forget, you only get one mother or father, they tried their best, & other such drivel.  Basically, this makes victims feel like holding their abusive parents accountable for their behavior is unfairly blaming them.  This is so wrong!

Blaming someone & holding them accountable are very different things!

Blame assigns responsibility for something done.  It is very critical & basically, the exact opposite of praise.  Blame is accusatory, & unwilling to listen to or consider anything other than the perception of the person doing the blaming.  It also implies shame, saying someone who did something is intrinsically bad.  Consider how narcissists speak as an example.  They blame others for making them act badly, for upsetting them & pretty much anything.  It also puts the person doing the blaming in a superior position, even if only in their mind.  Suddenly they become “good” & the other person becomes “bad.”

Holding someone accountable is different.  It states responsibility without the shame factor that is implied in blame.  It also means that you are responsible for your actions & you also are liable for them.  The person being held accountable is responsible for their actions, & can give satisfactory reasons for them.  Both people in this equation are equal, no one is “good or bad,” “superior or inferior”, unlike when blame is present.

I have spoken with a LOT of victims of child abuse as well as being one myself, which has taught me a tremendous amount about how adult victims of child abuse think.  One constant I have noticed is the lack of blame most victims have for their parents.  They don’t hate them, or feel superior to them somehow.  They would like to know why their parents treated them as they did. 

They also grew up believing that they were responsible for their parents somehow.  Abusive parents, in particular narcissistic ones, often engage in parentalizing behaviors, expecting their children to care for their needs instead of them caring for their children’s needs.  Or, the abusive parents looked to their children to fix some problems in their lives, such as their failing marriage.  These abusive behaviors led these children to feel as if they were betraying their parents if they blamed them for anything.  They excused the abuse or assumed responsibility for it themselves.

Once these children grew up & recognized their parents were abusive, they often still have trouble blaming their parents.  Instead, they hold their parents accountable, which is much more rational than blame anyway. 

Holding one’s abusive parents accountable for the abuse is perfectly reasonable.  It allows someone to have empathy for the struggles the abusive parent had that fueled their abusive ways while also allows this person to realize that setting boundaries or even removing such a parent from their life is sensible & reasonable.  This is what I did with my parents.  I recognized their dysfunction & why they were as they were.  My heart went out to them but since they weren’t willing to change their toxic ways, I had to set boundaries to protect my mental health. 

Narcissists clearly don’t handle blame or even holding them accountable well, in particular when this comes from their child, but their response isn’t your responsibility.  By holding them accountable in a reasonable way rather than angrily blaming them, any emotional reaction they have is their responsibility, not yours. 

Why Narcissists Feel They Must Know All About Their Victims After The Relationship Is Over

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Finding Healing From Narcissistic Abuse With Other Survivors

My Facebook group is full of some really wonderful people.  Godly, kind, caring, & very intelligent.  I’ve made some great friends through this group.  One of which & I were talking not long ago about where we have found the most help in understanding narcissists.  She told me that I can quote her, so this is what she said.  She has been to 14 counselors including psychologists, a psychiatrist, pastors, church counselors & an EDMR specialist but none of them gave her the kind of help that I have.  Me, with no formal education in the mental health field, no LCSW or PHD or anything behind my name!

I’m not saying this to brag.  I’m saying this because what my friend said next made a very good point.  She said I have helped her more than those counselors because I’ve been through so much with narcissists.  I have no formal training, but I have plenty of experience, & sometimes that is just what you need to help you in certain situations.  Narcissistic abuse recovery is one of those situations. 

While I mean no disrespect to mental health professionals, they usually don’t know much about Narcissistic Personality Disorder or any of the Cluster B disorders.  I have two counselor friends who told me something very interesting.  They don’t know each other, so naturally they never have spoken.  They are about 15-20 years apart in age & studied at different colleges in different parts of the country.  Yet, both said the exact same thing, that they had only one afternoon’s study about all of the Cluster B personality disorders.  That’s it for FOUR very complex personality disorders!  If both of the counselors I have spoken to have the exact same experience in this area of their education, I would guess it’s common if not the norm. 

Don’t take this as seeing a professional to heal from narcissistic abuse is a waste of time.  It isn’t, so long as you choose the right counselor.  You can’t pick just any counselor to help you with abuse recovery.  You will need to find a counselor that specializes in abuse recovery or trauma focused therapy. 

If you can’t find a counselor with these specialties or can’t or would prefer not to see a counselor, the good thing is healing is still possible!  The friend who inspired me to discuss this topic has made leaps & bounds in her healing journey because she found knowledge & help from others who also have been through a lot at the hands of narcissists.  Their knowledge & experiences have helped her tremendously, & their understanding & compassion validated her, which has enabled her to help other victims as she was helped.  She likened it to a relationship between a recovering alcoholic & an active alcoholic.  No one can understand the struggles of the active one like someone who has been in the same situation.  Would you expect a person who has never drank so much as one beer to understand the struggles of someone who can’t go a day without drinking a fifth of whiskey?  Absolutely not!  So why would narcissistic abuse recovery be any different?

If you are looking for help in your healing journey, & won’t see a counselor for whatever reason, you can heal!  I haven’t seen a counselor in many years either due to my lack of trust after seeing some less than caring ones.  Like my friend though, have learned a great deal from others who have experiences similar to mine as well as studying narcissism.  Consider looking for help elsewhere as she & I have.  Connecting with people who share similar experiences is invaluable!  Many online forums are available.  As I mentioned, I have a wonderful group on Facebook, but there are many others too on Facebook or other websites.  A quick internet search will point you to many of these forums. 

Dysfunctional Families And The Holidays

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