Tag Archives: hurt

Is It Good To Understand Those Who Hurt & Abuse?

I recently read something on Facebook.   It said, “A mark of maturity is when someone hurts you, trying to understand the person rather than get them back.”  I thought it was an interesting quote, but others commented differently.  They said things like you shouldn’t waste time thinking about such things.  People who hurt you are evil & you don’t need them in your life.  The Bible says not to be in relationship with evil people, so when someone hurts you, you need to get them out of your life.

 

While the Bible does say we shouldn’t be in relationship with evildoers, not everyone who hurts you is evil.  When my husband comes home from work after a bad day & snaps at me, does that make him evil?  No!  That makes him someone who is very frustrated & not thinking clearly at that moment.  If I didn’t understand that, on the rare occasion it happens, I’d be filing for divorce rather than giving him some space & forgiving his mistake.  Many times when someone hurts you, it is for a simple reason like that.  They just aren’t thinking, that’s all.  They aren’t necessarily trying to hurt you.  It’s no reason to end a relationship!  We all make mistakes & accidentally hurt those we love at some point.

 

What about those who deliberately hurt & abuse you?  I think it is beneficial to understand them as well.  Not to excuse their actions, but because it helps you.

 

I have learned to understand my narcissistic parents pretty well, & it has helped me a great deal.  Understanding why they act the way they do helps me to keep a good perspective, to realize as personal as their hurtful actions feel, they aren’t personal- they are a result of their dysfunctional thinking.  Yes, they are deliberately trying to hurt me but it’s not because I’m a bad person, deserve it or have “asked for it” in some way.  It’s because they are incredibly dysfunctional.

 

Understanding them also helps me to remember that they are the ones with the problems.  Growing up with narcissistic parents, you learn that you are the problem.  Whatever goes wrong, it’s your fault, not your parents’ fault.  Once you understand narcissism & your narcissistic parents in particular, you realize it is NOT your fault!  It’s not you, it’s them!

 

If it is impossible for you to go no contact the narcissists in your life, then understanding them will help you to figure out creative ways to deal with them.  Granted, when dealing with narcissists, dealing with them in a healthy way is impossible.  However, you can figure out ways to deal with them that are healthy for you.  Understanding them & leaning on God for help in this area will help you tremendously!

 

Remember, understanding abusers does NOT excuse away their actions or make abuse acceptable.  Nothing does that.  It does, however, benefit you a great deal.

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health, Narcissism

The Fear Of Hurting Other People

Many adult children of narcissistic parents have an issue with being overly concerned with hurting the feelings of other people.  I wonder if it’s because early on, we learned that we were not to make any waves.  Just silently serve our narcissistic mothers when needed, & otherwise we were to blend silently into the background.  Speaking up & hurting someone’s feelings would make us more human & less “tool like”, which would make using us wrong.  And we all know, narcissists can’t be wrong!

As a grown woman, I still have a problem in this area.  I would rather do something I am unwilling to do than say no & potentially hurt someone’s feelings.  I would rather ignore my own hurt at someone’s thoughtlessness & tell them that it’s ok rather than speak up about how wrong what they did is, even knowing that they need to realize their actions were unacceptable.

This sort of behavior is unhealthy.  Keeping things inside rather than speaking up isn’t good for your physical or mental health at all.  High blood pressure, heart disease, kidney disease & diabetes can result as well as depression, anxiety, bitterness & self-destructive behaviors.

I’m not saying you have to spew forth every bad thought that comes to mind or even be harsh with your words.  However, there are times you need to say something, & there is nothing wrong with that.  You need to have a healthy discernment of when to speak up & when to stay quiet, as well as the courage to speak up when necessary & wisdom on what words to use.

I know it sounds difficult (or even impossible), but it can be done.  I’m working on improving in this area myself.

Prayer is of the utmost importance.  Asking God to help you in this area, giving you what you need to accomplish what must be done.  He will do it!  Just follow the promptings He places in your heart.

Also, the more you heal, the more dysfunctional you realize this behavior is, & the more willing you are to change it to get away from the dysfunction.  That willingness helps to give you courage to make the appropriate changes.

Work on your self esteem.  The better you feel about yourself, the more willing you are to make yourself a priority, & to take care of yourself.  You will realize you do have the right to have reasonable boundaries, & if someone hurts you either deliberately or accidentally, it’s perfectly fine to speak up to them about their actions.

You also need to know that there is a difference between hurting & harming.  Hurting someone is temporary.  They’ll get over that pain quickly.  Harming however, the damage goes much deeper. Hurting comes from facing painful truths (such as admitting that something you did hurt someone else).  Even so, it can make a person learn & grow.  Harming, however, causes damage.  So, if you tell someone what they did hurt you or set a boundary, there is nothing harming in either of those things.

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

Rejection

Being rejected hurts, & if you too have a narcissistic mother, you know this all too well. They seem to live to let their children know that they constantly disappointed in us, & this doesn’t end with childhood. It carries over into adulthood. Your mother hates your job, the way you dress, your home, your spouse or countless other things about you & reminds you of that constantly. It hurts! No matter how accustomed to this you are, it still hurts.

There is one good thing that can come from rejection though. Rejection causes a hunger for God you may not get any other way. Psalm 119:71 says,  “It was good for me that I have been afflicted; that I might learn Thy statutes.”. While rejection certainly isn’t pleasant, it can make you want answers, & can turn you to God as nothing else can.

I’ve been a Christian since 1996, & in that time, I can’t even count how many times I’ve cried out to God when my mother has hurt me. Not only has He comforted me in those painful times, He has shown me how He sees me. Knowing God sees me as valuable, precious & someone He is proud of has helped me not to be devastated when my mother is cruel to me.

God can do the same for you. When you’re rejected or hurt in any way by your narcissistic mother, get alone as soon as you can. Then, ask your Heavenly Father to comfort you & to tell you what He thinks of you. You will be amazed! He loves you so much! He also will heal your pain. While your mother’s cruelty certainly always will sting, (she is your mother after all, so her opinion naturally matters!,) God fills you with His healing words, most of the pain will vanish. It’s an amazing, wonderful thing!

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health, Narcissism