Narcissists love to hurt their victims. It gives them a feeling of power, control & superiority to be able to affect victims as profoundly as they do, so it’s no wonder they do it so often.
Narcissists have a vast collection of ways to cause their victims pain. Following is a list of some of their favorite methods used to accomplish this. Some of these methods are quite subtle, & may not even seem abusive at first, but they absolutely are.
If you want validation, count on the narcissist to withhold it from you. Narcissists won’t tell you that you did a good job or that you’re right about something. Withholding validation is a form of invalidation, & is done to let you know how unimportant everything about you is.
If something important is going on with you, whether it is good or bad, you can expect a narcissist to steal the spotlight somehow. They may invent a crisis or pick a fight with you. If something bad is happening to you, they may steal the spotlight by talking about how the event affects them. My ex husband & father did this constantly. I ended up comforting them rather than them comforting me.
If you need help with something, you can expect the narcissist to resist. Either he or she will disappear completely or will help but do things in a lazy, sloppy way. If this person does help you, the help most likely accompanied by a great deal of complaining or letting you know what a huge sacrifice he or she is making & how you should appreciate it.
If you’re sick or injured, you can count on a narcissist to disappear or act annoyed with your suffering. Since they lack empathy, they won’t care about how awful you feel. They most likely will trivialize your suffering on the off chance they acknowledge it. And, if the narcissist in question is your romantic partner, don’t think your illness or injury will have any affect on your sex life. You still will be expected to perform as normal, no matter the state of your health.
If you want sex from your narcissistic partner, you can count on the narcissistic partner to claim to be too tired. They must be in control in every area, & that includes your sex life. They also don’t care what their victims want in any area.
If you’re talking, chances of the narcissist interrupting you are excellent. It keeps the focus on them because a person who is interrupted naturally stops talking to let the interrupting person talk.
If you’re lonely, you can expect the narcissist suddenly to be too busy to spend time with you. The same goes if you need to talk to him or her about something. If you decide to spend time with someone else, the narcissist will become angry that you didn’t just wait to spend time with him or her. You will be called unreasonable, impossible to please or something similar.
If you want to drive somewhere when you & the narcissist go out together, count on your driving being criticized either actively or passively, no matter how safely you drive. Actively criticizing it is easy to spot. They tell you that you’re driving too fast, tailgating or other similar comments. Passive criticizing isn’t so easy to spot. It’s quieter & more covert, such as bracing themselves as you approach a red light or stop sign or cringing as you drive. I believe the passive criticism is even worse, because if you say something, the narcissist has plausible deniability. He or she can say things like, “I never complained about your driving!” “I never said you were speeding!” Before you know it, you easily can end up apologizing to the narcissist.
When you witness these behaviors from the narcissist in your life, remind yourself that they are abusive! You aren’t unreasonable or wrong or impossible to please. The narcissist is trying to hurt you. Don’t let that happen! Remind yourself what is happening so you aren’t hurt by their ridiculous & abusive behavior.